Original subtitles

(audience applauding)

(music playing)

(audience applauds)

(applauding, cheering)

He once called me--

Someone said, "Quick-- your impression of Dick."

And he said, "Spectacularly gentile."

-(laughter) -It's true.

You know what I feel?

I hate to say this in front of him,

but I feel

somewhat like a panther or a leopard

on an overhanging limb of a tree.

And I feel

there's, like, a rabbit that walks underneath...

-(laughter) -...the tree.

Every time I work with him,

I feel like he's absolutely prey.

You know? I mean, I just--

It's such a pleasure to be with him.

I-- I'm-- I'm not threatened at all.

You know what I mean?

(laughter)

What happened backstage-- Bob Hope?

See, I-I met Bob Hope in the place anybody would--

Lincoln, Nebraska.

When-- when I was a little kid

and a Bob Hope one-night show came to town, I saw it.

There was a juggler and a dancer and a this and a that,

and then the curtain went down and my friend and I said,

"What a gyp. The ad said Bob Hope was gonna be here."

The curtain went up for the second act,

"And now the star of our show: Bob Hope!"

(vocalizes tune)

And he came on with that great, gliding walk.

And my friend said, "Jesus, there he is."

-Brooks: Yeah. -And it was the first time

I saw a giant star

with nothing between us but air,

as in the old song lyric.

-But what Mel's telling you-- -Say it, say it.

Okay.

Another time he played golf in Lincoln--

Always with the richest Republicans in town.

-Yeah. -You know.

And a snotty little kid said, "Hey!"

Oh, he had on a Hawaiian flowing shirt--

-Garish thing it was. -Yeah.

And a kid said, "Hey, Bob, your slip is showing."

(audience laughs)

And Hope said, "So is your father's."

(laughter)

Wow. That is brilliant.

It was a year before I got it.

(laughter)

Did you know Jack Benny at all?

I knew Jack. I loved Jack.

He-- I was there at Ben's truck at NBC

with George Burns eating a tuna fish on whole wheat

and Jack Benny was doing a sketch somewhere.

And he passed wearing a full Indian costume--

Full regalia with feathers and everything--

Walking past our table.

And George Burns said, "Hi, Jack. Working?"

(laughter)

-Cavett: Oh, that's wonderful. -True. It's a true story.

-Oh, that is wonderful. -"Working?"

So Jack Benny-- I mean, well, Jack was about the sweetest guy

you could ever-- ever meet in your life.

Benny, in the elevator after the Jack Parr Show --

and I'm a writer and I hang around Benny as I did around Hope.

And I got in the elevator and so did about six tourists.

And I promise you in the seven floors down

one said, "Are you really cheap?"

Another one said, "Do you really play the violin?"

-(Brooks sighs) -What else?

Somebody said, "Are you married to Mary Livingston?"

Somebody said, "Do you really have a man under the house

in a vault with your money?"

And you know he's a clean-- the nicest man

and he would nod, "Mm-hmm."

Got down, they ran to tell their friends

and I said, "Does that bother you after decades?"

And he said-- he put his hand on my shoulder.

-Yeah. -He said,

(mimicking) "You know, kid..."

-(audience laughs) -"sometimes you--

You just wanna tell 'em to go fuck themselves."

(laughter)

(normal voice) Oh God.

-He really say that? -Yes!

The voi-- that voice that came out of my radio as a kid.

-Oh my god. -Oh boy.

-So what are you gonna say? -So you worked the Borscht Belt

in those--when I was a kid in Nebraska,

I used to hear about the Borscht Belt

and I thought it was a garment

or a bit of wearing apparel of some sort.

Well, you know, Jews used to leave

the hot, sweltering summer heat

in New York City--

between the subway and the buildings, it was intolerable--

and they would find refuge in the Catskills,

in these little mountain resorts.

It was replete with, you know, with thousands of Jews.

Everywhere you went, there were, like, Jews

in the mountains, you know?

-Yeah. -And, you know, I mean, I'm sure that

the deer would look at each other and say,

"I've never seen so many Jews."

(laughter)

You know, I mean...

It was amazing. Anyway, I worked there.

I tended rowboats.

-One time... -Yeah?

One of the actors got sick

and he was-- they were doing a play.

Uh, the Joe Dolphin Players

at the Butler Lodge,

they were doing a play called Uncle Harry.

I think it was a British play.

Anyway, the district attorney who questions Uncle Harry

fell ill, so, you know, and I--

You know, here I am like Buster Keaton, just sweeping up,

you know, just hoping--

You know, looking and hoping, you know.

And they said, "Mel,

do you think you could play the district attorney?"

"There there, Harry.

"Don't be nervous.

Have some water and tell it to me in your own words."

(gasps) "He knows the words!"

I knew the words of everybody in the cast.

I wanted to be an actor.

"He knows the words!" "Yeah, but he's just a kid."

"He knows the words!" "All right."

So they made me up.

They gave me a big wig.

They gave me a beard. They gave me a beard.

They gave me lines and wrinkles

and they actually put something--

A hump in my back like Igor so I would look--

You know, just look a little, you know, more like a DA should look.

(laughter)

These are stupid people!

(laughter)

All right, it comes time for my scene,

it's like-- it's like a skeleton on Halloween.

I'm just... (mimics rattling)

Finally, I make my way out on stage.

He's sitting in a chair

"There-- I'm glad you were early, Harry.

"There there. I know you're nervous.

"Relax, just have a glass of water

and tell me in your own"-- crash!

(chuckles)

I dropped the glass, the water.

-(laughter) -I mean spilled!

Water, glass, shards, everything.

Shock. Shock. The whole-- the theater, Harry,

me-- shock.

Everything stopped in time.

I walked down to the footlights.

I take my hump out.

I take my wig off. I take my beard--

I said, "I'm 14. I've never done this."

(laughter)

-Oh God. -That was my first stage appearance.

I got-- I got a lot better.

That was it. That was the Borscht-- that was the Borscht Belt.

That's as good as anything I've ever heard.

There is this "2,000 Year Old Man"...

-(applause) -...CD out

and it is dangerous.

And I'm-- I don't want to shock anyone,

but I'm publicly stating that it is not safe

to play it on your car--

(laughter)

In your car while driving.

I had to pull over on the LIE...

(laughter)

with tears in my eyes

laughing at Carl and Mel

-and Mel and Carl. -It's not my fault.

It's all Carl's fault. Carl, are you there?

Cavett: Oh yeah, he's there.

Where--have you got a mic near Carl?

(applause)

Carl, tell us how it all began, because I--

It wasn't my fault at all.

-It was all his doing. -No kidding?

He was-- really.

I had nothing to do with it.

Reiner: Are we interested in the genesis

of the 2,000 year old man?

-Brooks: Yes. -Okay.

-Cavett: At last. -I met Mel in 1950 in the writers' room

of the Show of Shows.

This guy I had never seen before,

-he stood up and started-- -(laughter)

And started to talk about

his problems as a Jewish pirate.

(laughter)

And I'll never forget-- I'll never forget the first line,

and this is over 50, 60 years ago.

He said, "You know how difficult it is

"to get cloth-- sailcloth today?

"It's $3.29 a yard.

"I can't afford to set sail

and pillage and rape anymore!"

(laughter)

There was a show called We The People Speak with Dan Seymour.

(deep voice): We The People Speak!

(normal voice): They recreated the news and I heard it one Sunday.

(newscaster voice): "Here's a man who was actually in Stalin's toilet,

"and he heard Stalin say,

(gruffly) 'Going to blow up the world Thursday.'"

(normal voice): I said, "Oh, what a good idea for a sketch."

I came and presented it to Max Liebman and Sid.

And they thought it was all right, but they didn't do it

and I was so sure it was a great idea.

Mel was sitting just as we're sitting--

you're sitting on a-- on a couch.

I was sitting on his left and I said,

"Here's a man who was actually at the scene of the crucifixion

"2,000 years ago.

Is that not true, sir?"

And he said, "Oh boy."

-That's all he said. -(laughter)

And I said, "You knew Jesus?"

He says, "Thin lad, right? Thin lad?"

And he says, "Wore sandals, walked around with 12 other guys?

"They always came into the store.

-They never bought anything." -(laughter)

He says, "They asked for water. They asked for water."

Those are the very first words.

Well, from those-- and I remember those very first words.

For the next 10 years,

between 1950 and 1960,

when there was a lull in the room or we had nothing to do,

I would just get up and throw him some straight lines

and he would-- he had us on the floor.

He would not only be the 2,000 year old man,

I made him a submarine captain.

Whatever I made him, he became and words came out of him.

I'll never forget one night-- at a party once I said--

There was a submarine captain who actually walked in

and I said, "I understand you were a submarine captain."

"Yes." I says, "Is it true in the submarine forces

that when there's trouble, the captain stays down with the ship?"

He says, "No, that's the regular. The captain--

"Everybody goes down with the ship.

The submarine captain goes up."

-(laughter) -The first--

Anyway, I remember that. But what I was saying--

From 19-- from 1950 to 1960,

we did it every party we went to.

Somebody said, "Get up and do the 2,000 year old man."

For 10 years we did it and this is the thinking--

Remember, it's 1950 when we did this.

Four years earlier,

the Jews were in terrible shape throughout the world.

They were maligned by somebody who didn't know how good they were

-and... -(laughter)

And Mel was using a middle-European accent.

And we figured that the 2,000 year old man

was only for Jews and non-anti-Semitic gentiles like you, sir.

-And... -(laughter)

We came out to California.

Mel came to visit one day and this is the way it happened.

We said we cannot ever do it but for friends.

At this party, there were many many

what they call Class-A- Number-One guests.

And we killed them. Mel was never funnier.

And after-- after the thing was over,

the first man who came up to us was George Burns.

And he says, "Is there"-- with a cigar--

(imitating George Burns): He says, "Is there-- is there an album on this?"

And we said, "No." He says, "Well, put it on an album

because if you don't, I'm going to steal it."

(laughter)

And-- and the second one who came up

was Edward G. Robinson who said,

(mimicking): "Write a play about that.

"I want to do the 1,000 year old man.

"I want to play the 1,000 year old man on Broadway.

Write a play about it."

And the third guy who came up

was Steve Allen, who said to us,

"You've got to put that on a record. You must."

Well, we said, "No, it's not for"--

He says, "Look," he says, "You go into a studio. I'll get"--

World Pacific Jazz, he had some-- he used to record there.

And he says, "Use the studio, do whatever you want.

If you like it," he says,

"Keep it, burn it, do anything you want with it,

but you've gotta-- you've gotta try."

So Mel and I got in the studio

and we-- two hours we wailed with people,

just friends, coming.

And we cut it down from two hours to 47 minutes.

And we still weren't sure.

We still weren't sure that it was for everybody.

And this is a true story.

Mel and I both had an experience with Cary Grant.

I was working at Universal at the time writing movies.

And he was next door and I handed him one of these.

He came and I said, "Would you like to hear this?"

He came back a week later and he says,

(mimicking): "Can I have a dozen?"

(in normal voice): I said, "A dozen?"

He said, "I'm going to England."

I says, "You're gonna take this to England?"

He says, "They speak English there."

(laughter)

So I gave it to him and he came back and he said,

"She loved it." I said, "Who?"

-He says, "The Queen Mother." -(laughter)

I says, "You took this to Buckingham Palace?"

He says, "Yes." And that's-- we talked about that.

-We said, "Listen, the biggest shiksa in the world... -(laughter)

...accepted this."

And from then on, we--

we-- we knew we had-- we had a hit.

What Carl doesn't tell you is that he's relentless.

He doesn't believe anything I tell him. He traps me.

He makes-- he forces me

into weird--

weird convolutions of-- of lies.

"Well, do you have a birth certificate? You know!

You're 2,000 years old. Do you have a birth certificate?"

-And I said, "Well, we didn't"-- -Reiner: Sir? Sir?

-Yeah? -Do you remember your first girlfriend?

Who was your favorite of all the girlfriends, wives you've had?

Who was your favorite of all time?

-(as 2,000 Year Old Man): Shirley. -(audience laughs)

What was so special about Shirley?

Her friend Laila.

(laughter, applause)

Um...

On that...

I--I hate to bring the subject back to me,

but when I finally--

(laughter)

When I played-- no, when I played--

When I played their great CD set

all the way through, I heard my own voice suddenly.

I had turned the volume up. I was driving.

And they included some of our Ballantine commercials.

-You're kidding. -Yeah. Right. And...

-Mel and I, years ago... -We were good. We were good.

We did a Ballantine commercial together.

Ballantine Beer was looking for somebody--

because Carl wasn't available I guess--

to work with Mel

as the 2,500 year old brewmaster...

-Brooks: Yeah. -...who sounded very much like the 2,000 year old man.

Yeah, he sounded very much like that guy, right.

I never had any more fun in my life at anything.

We didn't--I don't think we sold a bottle of beer.

No. Well, there was a problem, because--

Well, first of all, I just got to sit at a table with Mel,

across from him, and they said, "Say anything you want to him.

"He can do anything, as you know.

Ask anything, be hurt, be personal-- whatever."

For the next three hours Mel went comic mad

in a genius way that--

If that raw tape is not preserved somewhere,

it's on a par with the burning of the library at Alexandria...

-(laughter) -...to put it mildly.

I remember at one point I just suddenly said,

"I'll bet you've never tasted this beer that you're selling, sir."

And I said, "Okay, taste it."

And he said, "Okay, I'll put it in my svizzle ," or mouth.

And I went, "What do you think?"

And he said,

"My tongue just threw a party for my mouth."

(laughter)

-I don't remember that one. -Oh God.

But the problem was

the commercials were quite funny

and they got fan mail.

But much of it said, "We love these.

"We hope these letters will keep them on,

-but the beer is like piss." -Brooks: Yeah.

What are we going to do?

-Brooks: It was. -Or words to that effect.

You remember that?

For some reason, the beer never sold.

-Oh lord, that was-- -But it was a pleasure to work--

Always great to work with you on your...

I did your talk show a couple of times and...

-Yes, you did. -And then I did a revival of your talk show

about a year ago or so--

-14 months. -Oh yeah yeah.

We--that's when Turner Classic Movies

took about nine of the shows of my old one-person shows mostly.

And they played Bette Davis on Bette Davis night

and they just did Alfred Hitchcock a week ago.

Who, by the way--

Is this the place to say this, I wonder?

-Sure. Say it. Say it! -(clears throat)

During a break, Hitchcock sitting there quietly,

looking straight ahead, said out of nowhere,

(mimics) "Grace Kelly--

The most promiscuous woman I've ever known."

-(audience laughs) -Brooks: Is this-- is this true?

-He said that? -You told me to say it.

-Yeah. -Yes, he--he did.

But was it-- was it true? I mean why did he say it?

Well, you're older than I am. I wasn't around then.

(laughter)

I don't--I couldn't--

Well, let's remind ourselves you can't slander the dead--

-A thing always good to know, legally. -Sure you can.

-Well, you can, but-- -Sure. Who-- who gives a shit?

-Let's slander. -(laughter)

Don't you love it when people say,

"Oh, you said something nasty about someone who's departed"?

-Yeah. Yeah. -Does dying make you perfect?

I mean, do you have to say something nice

-about Hitler because he passed on? -Right right right.

-Right, yeah. -I never understood that.

I did a show with a bunch of great songwriters--

Sammy Cahn, and Alan Jay Lerner,

Howard Dietz, Arthur Schwartz--

whichever one was living at the time, one of them--

and Paul Simon.

And to show I had read a little, I said,

"I know a songwriter's greatest gift was

"to have Frank Sinatra record their song--

obviously the greatest pop singer of all time."

-Yes. -"Indubitably." And they all nodded.

He wouldn't sing "Springtime for Hitler." I begged him.

(laughter)

And he eschewed this great opportunity

of singing "Springtime for Hitler."

-And I know it would've been... -He could've.

(applause)

(in Sinatra style): ♪ Springtime ♪

♪ For Hitler ♪

♪ And Germany ♪

-I mean it would've-- it would've--you know. -(applauding)

It would've-- it would've been Heaven.

That's funny. He sang it for me.

(laughter)

-No. No, I didn't. -You made that up.

No, but I'll just tell you this thing,

'cause it's interesting but not funny.

My band was the best band any studio ever had.

-Bobby--you had Bobby. -This is a fact, not an opinion.

-You had Bobby Rosengarden. -Bobby Rosengarden, yeah.

Every singer that came on the show

either said on camera, not wanting to offend Doc and his great band,

-Yeah. -"This is the greatest band of my career.

I wish I could take"--

Everybody said it, from Ella to Bob Hope to whoever.

-But-- -Listen.

(tapping rhythmically)

-"Jungle Telegraph." -Yeah, right.

Bobby Rosengarden taught me that.

-That's Bobby Rosengarden. -Wow.

I was a drummer. I was a drummer all my life.

You are a hell of a drummer.

What you just did there is not, as Jews say, chopped-up liver.

(laughter)

-I'm sorry. -You know what's amazing?

How can a gentile top-- I mean, how can he come up with that?

He's an amazing gentile.

Carl backstage-- Carl Reiner--

-You know, the famous-- -Right.

--was talking about Chico Marx.

Hanging around Groucho, I knew that he pronounced it "chick-oh."

You're the only one who-- you're the only one who says "chick-oh."

-Everybody says "cheek-oh." -Yeah, it's "chick-oh."

-It's "chick-oh," right. -(single applause)

And it had to do with his--

There's a man who will verify it.

There's a man who--

And he may not have been

because he was always chasing chicks,

but Groucho said you could apply that if you wanted.

But I'll tell you a story that will... shock

at least three rows of people.

-Back up. -(chuckles) "Back up."

Yeah. Wait till we do Blazing Saddles on Broadway.

-We do the-- we do the beans-- -(applause)

When we do the beans and black coffee scene,

-back up. Okay! -(laughter)

When the great Tallulah Bankhead first came to New York--

she came from the south,

her father was Speaker of the House of Representatives,

family high in society and politics--

and there was a party

and Chico wanted to meet her.

And she had just taken New York by storm onstage

and every other way.

And a witty woman.

And they said, "Chico, you know, you're famous as a ladykiller."

Groucho said, "We were at a party

"and we said, 'Chico, this is a great lady,'

"and I emphasized that word.

"And Chico said, 'For Christ's sake, I can be a gentleman.

"You know that. I'm an idiot on screen, on stage, but'--

"'Okay.' They were brought together.

"'Miss Bankhead, this is my brother Chico.

"Chico, this is Miss Tallulah Bankhead.'

"Chico said,

'I want to fuck you, Miss Bankhead.'"

(laughter)

That was--

"And Tallulah said,

"'And so you shall, you old-fashioned boy.'"

(laughter)

That was great.

-That's a great story. -Isn't that wonderful?

Is there any truth in it? It's a great story.

Yeah, it's gotta be true, doesn't it?

-It's too good not to be true. -It's too good.

It belongs in Bartlett's Quotations,

-if you ask me. -That is such a--

(laughter)

That's such a-- Before we were talking about--

You mentioned promiscuousness with--

I mean that Hitchcock mentioned that Grace Kelly,

-you know. -Yeah yeah.

I knew Hitchcock.

I wrote High Anxiety

and I took a rough draft of it--

-(scattered applause) -Please please.

-No. -Either a lot or nothing.

(laughter)

-(cheering loudly) -Oh, for...

Thank you, thank you. So I went over to Universal.

I showed him--settle down, settle down. Behave.

So anyway, Hitchcock-- I bring him the rough draft

and he--

You know, he looks through it.

And you know, he read it, he read it,

and he read it and he said--

He underlined one thing.

(mumbles)

Then he said, "It's good. It's a good idea.

"Get me more drafts. Come--

Come every Friday at, uh, 12:45."

(scattered laughter)

12:45. And then I came back every Friday

and then, then I really got a little,

um, unruly.

He would, like-- he had bad knees.

They hurt him. He had arthritis

and he'd take his way through the door--

You know, the food was on the other side

and he'd be, like, stuck at the door.

And one-- one time I actually gave him

a shot in the ass. I did.

I said, "Come on, Al. We're hungry here."

-You know? -(laughter)

I mean-- I mean that's taking a chance, you know.

He collapsed in lau--

He was just-- he was so, so delighted.

He was so delighted, you know.

And anyway, we got to be fairly good friends

and he took me to dinner at Chasen's.

It's a true story. We go to Chasen's.

He orders a shrimp cocktail to begin with--

I think there were six, and they're big.

They're big shrimp, you know,

and they're filled with cocktail sauce

and horseradish or something.

And then-- and then after that,

there's a salad--

I don't know what kind of salad, just mixed lettuce

with some-- some green dressing--

Green and white. Okay. Green and white.

And after that a pretty large sirloin steak,

a baked potato cut in the middle

with chives and sour cream...

(scattered laughter)

uh, asparagus on the side in a narrow plate by itself.

He finished everything.

He had a parfait,

two bowls--

two bowls of yellow ice cream

with chocolate, with some sprinkles

and a cup of coffee.

I mean, I had filet of sole. Enough.

(laughter)

And this is true. This is true.

Finishes, "Thank you, George."

-You know. (mumbling) -(snaps)

He takes out--he takes out a leather cigar--

Beautiful kind of light leather--

Opens it up, takes out a cigar, puts it back.

Takes out from his vest a guillotine,

a little guillotine.

Clips-- clips the cigar,

puts it in his mouth, pauses.

Okay, never know what you're gonna get from this guy.

Never. Pauses.

I said, "He's thinking of a movie. He's thinking of an idea.

Maybe I'm in the presence of something historic here."

He takes out the cigar and says, "George!"

The guy, Maitre D' comes running over again.

"Do it again."

(scattered laughter)

He--he couldn't mean--

(laughter)

He couldn't mean--

And sure enough, five minutes later--

shrimp cocktail.

(laughter)

I mean, the salad, the asparagus,

the steak, the parfait,

two bowls of-- coffee.

Guillotine. No, no, it's cut already.

And then he smoked. He did the whole--

I don't believe it.

It was impossible. I mean, you know, it was impo--

Nobody--you couldn't do-- you couldn't.

And he sighed--

It's a sweet sigh of relief.

-Jesus Christ. -(mimics sigh)

Then he lit the cigar.

He ate the--

-Now-- -This--you are the recipients

of secret and incredible information.

(applauding)

I think people are leaving now

to go tell that story to their friends.

-Alfred Hitchcock. -Mel, I hate to ask you this--

And by the way, he saw the movie-- just let me finish.

-Yeah. -He just saw the movie.

I finished it. I showed it to him.

He didn't say a word. He got up.

He went behind me like this.

-(laughter) -Took an hour.

(laughter)

All right, all right, he went--he went by me.

He went out the door in the back at Universal.

And I'm standing there, "Did he like it?

"Did he hate it? Was he embarrassed?

It was dedicated to himself, to the master of suspense."

The next day, my office at FOX--

wooden case,

Chateau Haut-Brion,

magnums.

Six bottles of Chateau Haut-Brion, 1961.

A priceless case of wine with a note--

"No need to have any anxiety.

It's a wonderful film. Love, Hitch."

-Wow. -Yeah.

(applauding)

Alfred Hitchcock.

This'll strike some as insensitive, I'm sure,

but is there any truth to the rumor

that you once said to him,

"When you get on a scale, does a card come out saying

'Please, one at a time'?"

(laughter)

You forced me to do that.

-That was good. -What an amazing man, though.

That's among the three damnedest stories I've ever heard.

Could you clear up something for me once?

Or now even?

-Um... -(laughter)

-David Begelman. -David Begelman, yeah.

What was ever resolved about that, if anything?

I met Begelman-- I was looking at the--

I guess I must've been looking down

and I heard a voice-- this was in New York,

near the Sherry-Netherland-- I heard a voice say,

"Hi, Mel. Looking for change?"

I looked up and it was David Begelman.

I hadn't worked. My wife was pregnant.

I had just finished The Twelve Chairs and--

(applauding)

I had gotten $50,000 to do The Producers,

write it-- to write it, direct it,

edit it, pray over it,

to do whatever publicity an unknown can do

-with it, you know. -Right.

Then I got another $50,000 to go to Yugoslavia--

and to shoot for 90 days for $50,000--

to do The Twelve Chairs.

So I was... kind of out of money

and Begelman said,

"Can you join me for lunch?"

I said, "Yeah, where? When?"

He said, "Now." He took me to the Sherry-Netherland.

We went down. I had scrambled eggs. I had bacon.

-Yes, I had bacon. -(laughter)

He said, "Read this." and he shows me-- Andy Bergman--

Andrew Bergman, who became, you know quite a wonderful director--

an outline for a movie called "Tex X."

-"Tex X." -Yeah. He said, "How do you"--

I said, "It's good, it's good."

These people are talking Harlem 1974 talk--

Hip talk in 1874 in the west.

I said, "I love the juxtaposition.

I love it. It's really good."

He said, "If you do it,

I will give you-- I will get you $100,000."

I said, "David, I only do my own stuff.

"I have-- I have pride,

I believe in my own art. I'll do it..."

-(laughter) -"...immediately. Immediately."

So I said, "Let me do it like the Show of Shows.

Let me get a gang of writers that I love and respect."

And I got--

The first writer I got was Richard Pryor, because--

to be a writer.

Richard was a pal of mine.

And I said, "I can't say the 'n' word.

"I need him. He has to--

"He has to bless it, you know.

I need a black guy to bless that word."

So at first I wanted to call it "Black Bart,"

because he's black and Bart and it's a western cliche.

And...

John Calley-- we were gonna do it at--

at Warner Brothers-- he said, "No, it sounds like a blaxploitation."

Blaxploitation. He said, "No good, 'Black Bart.'"

Then I waited a couple of weeks

and I came back to him and I said, "I want to call it Blazing Saddles. "

He said, "Yes! That's it."

-(applauding) -"Great. Blazing Saddles ."

So we wrote it. I got Richard Pryor,

Andy Bergman, Norman Steinberg,

Alan Uger, and we began writing.

We all had bagels and lox for breakfast.

Pryor had Remy Martin.

(laughter)

Remy--that's-- I used to say to him,

"That's breakfast for a Jewish boy? Remy Martin?"

Anyway, the picture was successful.

So I-- I asked David, you know, to take--

"It's $100,000. Take, you know, $10,000 out."

He wouldn't take it. He said, "No no, you did it.

"I wanted to put this picture together.

I wasn't your agent. I just got you the job."

And David Begelman wouldn't take the money.

That's what a sweet guy he was.

Also, he finally took over Columbia Pictures.

He became the Chief Executive.

He ran Columbia Pictures.

And I came to his office the first day

that he took over Columbia Pictures

because I also wanted to sell him My Favorite Year,

-which I did later. -Cavett: Yeah, yeah.

-So I went-- -(applause)

I went to his office-- this is a true story--

ceiling was light pinkish red,

red rug on the floor,

-red leather couch... -(scattered laughter)

...two red leather chairs,

a red lea--a red--

kind of deep-grained red painted coffee table.

His desk was red.

-(laughter) -His chair behind the desk was red velvet.

I said, "David,

-I don't mean to pry." -(laughter)

"How come everything in your office is red?"

And he said, "I gave the decorator

-carte rouge." -(laughter)

-It's true. -That's a wonderful story.

-That's--that's Begelman. -I wish I'd known how badly

you wanted to meet my buddy Fred Astaire.

Oh. Ah.

On the way home we were in the car--

limo-- in the back and the windows were down in the back.

Maybe the air conditioning didn't work-- something.

Pleasant enough.

And twice in my life I've told famous people

the most famous things about them that everybody knows

and they've said, "I've never heard that before."

-Ah. -I don't remember what the other one was...

-Yeah. -...but this one was--

I said, "How did you feel years ago

"when that famous remark was made by Katherine Hepburn

"about you and Ginger Rogers?

"That you gave her class

and she gave you sex appeal?"

-And he said, "What?!" -(laughter)

"Well, or maybe it was the other way around.

"But you know, you gave her class

and she gave you sex appeal..."

-So he got-- -"...Mr. Astaire."

-He got pissed off? -"What the hell?!

"What the hell does that mean?

"I mean, Dick-- Jesus! I mean--

"You know, it's so--

"Ginger and I--

"And sometimes people-- (angry stammering)

It sounds like I'm a fag or something."

(laughter)

Of course I was sorry I thought of it.

(Brooks laughing)

-Now-- but there's more. -That's great.

We were stopped for a light

along Hollywood Boulevard perhaps, somewhere--

a residential area--

and two lady tourists--

clearly from Central Casting--

were standing by the car, waiting for the light to go.

And they looked in and saw both of us

and recognized both of us just as Mr. Astaire said,

"Katherine Hepburn is full of shit!"

(laughter)

I never--

Can you imagine trying to convince their friends

of what they had seen and heard?

I promise you that story has never been told anywhere...

-until now. -Okay, time--

It's time for questions if there are gonna be questions.

-Oh yeah. -We've been here for awhile.

-No limits. -Man: I love the DVD set.

This is Bill Schwartz.

Uh, Mel, when you were performing in the Catskills,

you used to do some impersonations that were slightly askew.

Could you do some?

The impressions I did--

I did two kinds of impressions--

I did some that were real impressions

of lesser-known well-known people.

-(laughter) -Like... for instance, like, like--

I used to do impressions of George Arliss.

-Oh great. Very commercial. -(laughter)

(mimicking) Sell, do you hear me?

No, never sell.

Never sell. Buy. Always buy.

Never-- never sell, do you hear me?

Never. Never. That's your job.

(applauding)

(normal voice) James Cagney.

Once I got stuck in Cagney.

(laughter)

I just couldn't get out of it.

(mimicking) Oh, you dirty rat.

Mmm! Others come, others go.

Ruthie, Ruthie, you'll always be there. Oh.

(normal voice) This is James Cagney having sex.

-(moaning) -(laughter)

Oh. Oh.

(laughing)

(mimics) Okay, now get out.

(laughter, applause)

That's it. Those are--

Those are my impressions.

You owe it to yourself if you don't know George Arliss

-to Google him when you get home... -Yeah.

...to see how uncanny that is.

-Sir. -Mel, you are, what now, 84?

-Close to something like that? -I'm closer to 61 but--

-No no, I am. -Man #2: All right.

-I'm 84. -In my family, we are not so lucky.

We hit our 80s and it is not pretty.

So I just wanna know, what is your secret?

-Pineapple. -Man #2: Pineapple.

-(laughter, applause) -Pineapple.

That's all I eat morning, noon and night.

Wake up, for breakfast...

I have-- (clears throat)

I have an illegal immigrant peel a pineapple.

(laughter)

Chop it up. I eat pineapple.

At 2:30...

I go to my office

and I open a can of pineapple.

It's already done, with rings and everything.

Just the pineapple-- nothing else.

And at night I have...

a baked pineapple.

(laughter)

I want something warm at night.

(laughter)

So that--that-- I hate to give it away,

-but that's my secret. Okay. -(applause)

Mr. Cavett, I was wondering--

I'm a big fan of all of those DVDs

and I'm also a big fan of Orson Welles.

And I just adore those--

I think it was two 90-minute sessions you did with him.

I wonder if you have any memories or recollections of that.

Or is it all just there, on the...

-Captured on the DVD? -We went to...

(German accent) Luchow's, as it is called in the old country,

-(normal voice) or Luchow's restaurant -Brooks: Yeah.

...after the first Orson Welles show.

Luchow's on 14th Street?

-The old Luchow's? -Yeah yeah, and you know it's enor--

-It's Orson-Wellean in its proportions. -Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it looks like the fireplace

in Citizen Kane or something. I mean, it's...

It's weird. It's weird. Luchow.

Luchow's-- it's a German restaurant with a Chinese name

in the heart of lower Manhattan.

Yes, and he ate a meal

that was on a platter this size.

-And it would-- -Brooks: Hitchcock.

Close. And Welles--

And it had kartoffelknoedel

and rinderbrust and schnitzel wiener

and every German thing you've ever heard of...

-Ugh. -Um...

except invasion.

(laughter)

It was an amazing amazing meal.

Very good. Very good.

-Yes? -Hi, Mel, I wanted to ask you,

I've had a few friends-- this happened more than once--

When I tell them Mel Brooks is my favorite director

they say, "How could you? He's racist.

He's abusive to women. He's an anti-Semite."

And I say, "No, you idiot, that's Mel Gibson."

(laughter)

Has that ever happened to you?

Has anyone ever made that mistake to your face?

Twice.

(laughter)

-Cavett: Thank you. -Yes. Once by Mel himself.

(laughter)

-Yeah. -Man #3: Melvin?

Yes, Melvin.

I'm quite flustered. I--

Brooks: I don't blame ya. I don't blame ya.

I mean, here I am-- you look fantastic.

You look better from back there,

-but here you still look fantastic. -(laughter)

But, um...

Man #3: It's like--thank you.

But, uh, maybe you could tell us a great story about Marty Feldman.

He would try anything. He would do anything. He would...

He had this kind of Buster Keaton talent.

This--this incredible,

weird, sublime...

-mime charm, you know, and... -Cavett: Mm-hmm.

And he was-- he was really

a throwback to the great artists

of the turn of the century.

I mean his-- his grace, his beauty--

You know, the way to hide from Marty Feldman...

was to put your nose against his...

and he'd never see you.

(laughter)

I loved him.

You know, Mel's a well-read man.

You can mention authors and classics to Mel

and he can deal with it. And Mel brought up--

Carl brought up Shakespeare

and Mel immediately said, "Terrible writer."

-(audience laughs) -And Carl said, "But the 37 plays--

I mean, my God, he's the greatest writ--"

"Terrible, horrible writer.

"Awful.

"The P's look like R's.

-The A's look like G's." -(laughter)

He remembered.

Very good.

-(coughs, laughs) -Yeah.

-Yes? Yes, ma'am? -Woman: Mr. Cavett, I wondered

if there was ever an interview

that you tried and tried to get, but never could.

Uh, I got-- Cary Grant said over the phone once,

(mimics) "They'll find out how dumb I am."

(normal voice): And I said, "Oh, Mr. Grant, you can only be so dumb."

-Brooks: Yeah. -(laughter)

I don't-- I don't know that that helped.

And then they told me to call somebody--

Sinatra and I met several times--

very cordial, delightful--

but then they told me to call some colleague of his,

(chuckles) and I got some goon in New Jersey.

(laughter)

(Jersey accent): "I don't know who the fuck you are

and I don't care, but Frank doesn't bother with shit like this,"

-and hung up. -(laughter)

-You know, Don Rickles-- -I don't know who she was.

(laughter)

Don-- Don Rickles told me a lovely story.

He said-- he begged Frank--

He said, "Frank, I've got a date tonight,

"and if you would just stop by my table

"and say, 'How you doing, Don?' and let me intro-- you know.

"Introduce the young lady to you.

"It would be Heaven. (stammers)

Frank, you don't know what you would do for me."

-Drops by the table. -So he said...

-(chuckles) -..."All right."

Frank said, "All right." So he comes--

He finishes the show

and he comes by the table

and he says, "Hello, Don,

"I see you have a lovely young lady here.

"I'd love to say hello

and maybe I could buy you a drink and be part"--

And Rickles said, "Can't-- Can't--The fuck's the matter with you?

Can't you see we're talking? We're busy here!"

(laughter)

-Wow. -Had to-- had to take it. Right right.

-Oh God. -You know me and I know you.

Hi, Mel. Yeah, it's Adam Weiss.

I worked with you on Dracula: Dead and Loving It.

Adam is a great great editor.

He's really a sensation. Adam Weiss.

-Weiss: Thank you. -Very talented editor, really.

-(applause) -I was wondering if you had anything to say

about the late, great Leslie Nielsen.

Oh, I loved him. He was so much--

He was so sweet, so kind.

He would do anything. He was fun-- fun to work with.

He was so cooperative and so smart.

You would never take him for a Canadian.

-(laughter) -I mean he was--

(applause)

-Man #4: Question-- -Yes, balc--

-Question in the balcony. -Did you ever pull a gun

on Howie Morris in Central Park?

No, I just beat him up.

-(audience laughs) -I never pulled a gun.

But Howie Morris--

-One Howie Morris story? -(audience chuckles)

Howie-- Howie's father dies.

He goes up to-- he says, "I paid for everything."

The guy says, "Another $125."

He said, "I paid for everything."

He said, "You had your father cremated.

The urn is $125."

Howie said, "We're gonna scatter his ashes in the Hudson River."

His father Hugo-- they were going to scatter him.

So the guy said, "Well,

"do you have a container

for the loved one's ashes?"

He said, "Well, if you could find a paper bag."

-(laughter) -So the guy said,

"We don't--we don't have paper bags

you know, for the remains of the--"

He said, "Wait here." He ran across the street.

He bought a can of coffee. He opened it up.

He dumped it on the sidewalk

and he said the grocery man came out.

He ran over with the coffee can.

He gave it and he said, "Put him in here."

-(audience laughs) -So they put him in there.

He and his mother drive down the West Side Highway.

There's no place to throw the ashes in the Hudson River.

There's no place. You see, you've gotta--

You've gotta get somewhere. So there's bushes--

They climb over the bushes.

They climb. They're entangled.

They get-- He gets on a rock.

Howie is wearing a blue coat

with a belt in the back, double-breasted.

Looks like cashmere-- wasn't.

(audience laughs)

He takes-- he takes the coffee can with the ashes.

And he says, "Hugo, Dad,

"oh, my dear father, I love you so much.

"Rest in peace.

"Sleep in the deep of the Hudson River--

your beloved Hudson River--

"And we'll love you forever. You'll always be in our hearts.

Good luck, Dad. Good luck." He throws the ashes.

They fly up and they go right back in his coat.

-(laughter) -Every bit.

It's a windy December day.

So for an hour and a half he said,

-"Good luck, Dad. -(laughter)

-"Sleep in..." -(applauding)

-Oh God. -Finally, I said,

"Howie--" I said, "Howie, so...

"where do you think your father's final--

"you know, what would you say

is your father's final resting place?"

He said, "I'll tell you this:

"every time I pass Rand Cleaners on 79th Street,

-I break into tears." -(laughter, applause)

That's the ending.

The most embarrassing moment of my life.

True. There was a show on television...

100 years ago.

It was called Eye Guess.

And my partner was a young lady by the name of Julia Meade,

and the show was hosted

by a wonderful television host.

-His name was Bill Cullen. Remember with the crew cut? -Bill Cullen.

-(applause) -He was terrific.

So I'm telling you something

that you'd never ever be told, but I'm gonna tell you.

So we do the show

and, you know, I'm ad-libbing and I'm getting a few laughs.

I'm not. And he's behind the desk.

And the show is over and people are leaving

and Bill Cullen says,

"Oh, Mel, I can't thank you enough."

He leaves the desk. He says, "Mel,

I can't thank-- thank-- thank you enough."

And I figured "Oh, what? He's doing Jerry Lewis."

-(laughter) -"He's doing-- he's doing Jerry Lewis."

So I-- I say, "Oh Bill."

You know. I-- you know.

And Julia Meade is screaming,

"He had polio! He's crippled!

He had polio! He's crippled! Don't--"

And I'm saying... (mimics Jerry Lewis)

(laughing) Oh God!

-So finally... -Oh!

...we reach center stage together

and he hugs me.

And he hugs me and he's crying.

He said, "No one ever had the nerve--"

(laughter)

He says, "It's such a relief."

I said, "Well, you know, I had to do it for you, Bill."

-Cavett: Oh God. -(laughter)

I didn't know what to say.

But I thought I'd share that with you.

-Nobody's ever heard that. -(applauding)

Cavett: Oh, that is too much.

This is the awful part of a duet show...

-Yeah. -...like this where each person

makes a sickeningly fulsome valentine to the other person.

-(people chuckle) -Mine to Mel would be

that there are bit players and that there are people who get leading roles

and there are people who become stars

and there are people who become megastars

in the world of humor.

Mel is not a megastar.

He is, in fact, an exploding supernova of humor.

(all applauding)

That's my corny speech.

I've always--

I've always loved Dick Cavett--

-in a manly way. -(laughter)

-He never laid a hand on me. -Yeah, right.

The wonderful thing about Dick Cavett is

he's incredibly bright

and he doesn't pander

to the lowest common denominator...

-(applauding) -...to ever get laughs. Ever.

There was a guy who worked--

There was a guy who worked for me as an actor that--

A beloved guy. His name was Andreas Voutsinas.

He played Carmen Ghia in the first movie

with Zero Mostel in The Producers.

And Andreas Voutsinas would say--

I would ask his advice and he'd say--

about talent or something-- he'd say,

"Or you got it or you ain't."

And I'd say, "Andreas, you can't say--

"You can't-- we're in America. You're Greek.

"We do not start a sentence--you can't start a sentence with 'or.'

"'Either you--'"

He said, "No. Or you got it or you ain't."

Well, folks,

-he got it. He got it. -(applauding)

I've never done that to another man.

-Thank you. -(music playing)