Original subtitles

A NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES

DECEMBER 3RD

- Thanks for coming to see it with me. - Don't mention it.

It's crazy how much I love that movie!

I can't figure out for the life of me

how that movie ended up becoming such a cult classic.

I can't...

I'm pretty sure it's a scientific fact that everyone likes Love Actually!

Honestly, you could see more impressive piles of horseshit on any horse farm.

You're kind of being super closed-minded. I'd say, he isn't entirely incorrect.

There are some logical flaws in that storyline.

I cherish it more than my family!

One thing is how unrealistic it is. Like, where do I even begin?

Look at the female characters. It screams of patriarchal gender norms.

You have a bunch of women, written as pathetic husks of human flesh,

just waiting for a man to enter their life

and give them motivation or a reason to speak.

It's completely primeval and, honestly, absurd.

But then you have the screenwriter guy who owns a country house in Portugal.

He randomly travels down there and falls in love with this cleaning lady

who, as it so happens, doesn't speak a goddamn lick of English.

The writers are, like, "How can we make this love story work?

I know! Hire a hot actress."

The character is as poor as she is attractive, but don't worry,

he's somehow rich, even though he's a writer.

So, he begins learning Portuguese using some kind of audiobook, right?

And in the space of two or three days, he ends up fluent in her native language.

It's a Christmas miracle!

He'll just win her hand in marriage by saying "I love you" in Portuguese.

Yeah, because that would totally happen!

I always cry when I watch that scene.

What for?

Because he doesn't go for the fat sister?

Your problem is you don't really give people a chance.

You have to learn to say yes.

Yes!

- No, but... - Not "no, but."

- "Yes, but..." - OK, but let me finish the story.

Come on! I mean...

Purchasing jewelry for a co-worker does not equate to having an affair.

- It's a rom-com. Don't overthink it. - Yeah, OK.

- Want an apple? - No, thank you.

Two apples.

And that guy Huge Grant... In what world would a clown like that be Prime Minister?

So, he has a chauffeur, right, who has to drive this jerk around at night,

looking for a random street, where they just start knocking on doors?

Oh, really? The Head of State? Yeah, right!

And then, instead of telling the truth, Huge starts singing Christmas carols...

- Hugh. - Hmm?

- He's called Hugh. Grant. - The chauffeur... Yeah.

Huge's chauffeur, out of nowhere,

starts randomly singing with that whole classically-trained, opera-type voice.

Uh-uh.

Sorry, it's not my cup of tea. I like my films more cinema vérité.

You can just Venmo me the money for that later.

He said that?

- Like, for the apple on a stick? - Yes!

That's a fucking good one.

Man!

OK, give me your phone.

Why?

We're going to pimp your love life situation here.

I'd rather you not.

- Got it. - Right. It's not going to work.

How about you get off your ass and be more proactive,

not so reactive?

Even Cinderella was proactive.

Well, when I think about it, she was kind of passive,

like, when that prince was looking for her.

I want that part of the movie to die in a fire,

but, when that shoe fits, I cry like a little bitch.

Are you sure you're not a gay man inside?

Hmm? So, what do you want?

Women, men, her, they, it, what?

- Huh? - Huh?

- What? - What? I have no idea what you like.

Don't blame me. You've been celibate since I moved in here.

Men!

OK. Men.

- Yeah. - How old?

- Give or take two or three years. - That's way too limiting. I'll put seven.

Huh? No, I mean it. No more than two years younger.

- Two! - Look here. Smile!

Perfect!

- You weren't just playing? - It's fine. You look totally bangable.

Now I've upgraded your account.

Want more of this?

Yeah. Thanks.

♪ I want you for Christmas ♪

What's in your sprinkle concoction?

There is chocolate, chili, caramel,

thyme, coffee grounds and truffle.

- You're kidding, right? - I kid you not.

Yeah!

Called that shit! You're totally a dude magnet.

What are you talking about?

You've already had ten hits in half a minute!

Let me see! Let me see.

No way!

He's alright.

Wow, wait. "I'm taller than you'd assume." What is that?

Girl! If this seemingly cute and totally down-to-earth plumber from Grorud,

who claims to be even taller than you'd assume, isn't for you,

then you're beyond help, from me, the universe, the whole shebang.

OK?

And also, a plumber from Grorud?

Sounds like a Harlequin romance.

Plus it's practical: he can do our bathroom renovations.

So, I date a short plumber guy for what? A makeover?

Mm-hmm, exactly.

And it says he wants to meet you at an escape room.

That's romantic AF.

DECEMBER 4TH

Finally.

Dear mafia brothers, mafia sisters,

welcome to Brooklyn, the year 1952.

Welcome to Chris Donovan's home.

Welcome to the great Christmas mystery.

- Have you done escape rooms before? - Yeah!

No, I actually haven't.

Here's how it works: you'll get locked into this room here.

The objective is to look for clues and solve puzzles

so you can make your way into the holy room right there.

That's where you'll find the big Christmas Mystery you'll be solving today.

- Yeah! - Use your creativity.

- Combine your senses and work together. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Your Santa hats - here's one for you and one for you.

Beautiful.

When the door closes, I'll start the clock.

And remember...

you never saw me!

OK.

I've got to say, I think that escalated pretty quickly.

Bitch!

How about that, you jolly-ass motherfucker? Huh?

- Did that guy really ban me for two years? - Hmm.

He didn't mean it, do you think? Because, like...

- He totally did. - Fuck! That sucks my ass.

I'm just really into escape rooms, if you can't tell.

- So, like, you and I are... - No.

- Right? You can feel it, too? - Yeah, no.

This is fucking rad!

The most awesome date ever, hands down!

OK.

You feel it?

- This sort of... - Yeah.

That's good. Intellectually, you and I... We're in such different places.

I thought that I'd just get it out there, so we can move on and let it go.

Hmm.

Because you are a good woman, and don't you forget that.

Got it.

I was just thinking, if we're going to be having discussions in the future,

there would be a problem if we pretend like...

Wait, stop talking right now. Do you know what the real problem is?

That I didn't have the self-respect to just peace out

when you went bananas and beat the snot out of Santa!

I want a guy who's nice and not crazy, but obviously that's too much to ask.

I'm so tired of men.

I'm losing my fucking mind!

But you're the one screaming and leaving. That's not very nice.

- Johanne? - Hey!

Help me!

- Help. - Bad day?

More like bad date.

Girls want a nice guy, but when a nice guy...

- Is he gone? - He's just kind of standing there.

Why is he standing there?

Is everything alright?

I was just banned for two years from my favorite escape room.

Oh.

Yeah, about that... Let's not.

- You were just leaving, weren't you? - Was I?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Call it a day.

How is that dude not your prince charming?

I don't understand anything.

I've been on so many dates, and these guys talk at and over me.

They don't listen at all.

And I have a lot to say,

if they would just let me get two words into the conversation,

but they don't want to hear my thoughts.

And I don't get why they would even bother dating me if they're not interested in...

well, me.

- I get it. - Yeah?

Why don't you come in and spill the tea, as they say?

- I could throw in a free drink. - Well...

- Hey! - Hi!

- Hi. Hello! - Hi!

- Gosh. - Hey.

Hey.

Some last-minute Christmas gift shopping?

How about that? I... You figured me out.

Doing it before Christmas Eve

means I'm not running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

- So, are you back to crocheting this year? - Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Last Christmas, she made presents for us.

Trym adores those ponchos. He puts them on the kids all the time.

Oh, that's so sweet.

- Well, then... - Time to get back to the grind, or...

- Right. - Do you guys want a drink?

To warm up? Why not?

- Yes. - Listen to your girlfriend.

Yeah, well, actually, I have to work.

Right.

I get it.

- OK, have fun. See you. - OK, girl.

- Bye. - See you around.

Hey!

Oh, my God!

Just look at your face!

Are you trying to kill me now?

Yeah.

What a lovely thought!

How are we today?

One foot in the grave.

But that's what gives life such suspense.

At any moment, I could keel over.

The same with cigarettes -

any one of them could be my last in this life,

and that's why they taste extra good!

But, anyway, how did it go with your little date?

Yeah...

All my dates have been a bouquet of flowers dipped in shit.

- Is that a local expression? - Hmm? Shit?

Stop it! What am I going to do with you, huh?

How about you don't be so quick to judge all these poor men?

What do you mean by that?

I mean, dummy, you need to give them a chance.

Or two. Or three thousand.

That's how I managed to have so much game.

But aren't you, like, the three or four-time divorce hall of famer?

Sure, sure.

But I can't help the fact that my milkshake brings them to my yard.

- I can imagine. - Yeah.

Become more like me and you'll be a magnet to men.

How about you give me some Trine lessons?

Becoming me isn't something you can learn. You've either got it, or you don't.

- OK. - I mean, take a look at you.

- Yeah, what about me? - Start with that unflattering uniform.

- Where are your girls? - My girls?

- Yeah. - Here.

They're not super giant, but they feel nice.

Put them where I can see.

- Boom! - Ha! That's what I'm talking about.

- Nice. - Yeah?

Johanne, give me trouble. Sassy! Go!

And the neck... See, that's good stuff.

More of that, please. Yes!

- Atta girl! - OK.

Show me. Up!

You've got it.

Hey! Foosky. Foosky?

Enjoying the entertainment?

- Because hospitals are fun and games. - Sorry.

I have you in 137. Bengt-Erik Løvskog.

- Atrial fibrillation. - Løvskog?

As in the politician lobbying to streamline healthcare?

The one and only, yes.

- Hey. - Hello.

How are you doing today?

Good, but I've felt better.

Fair.

- Your heart looks fine. - Hmm, really?

Anyway, my name is Johanne and I'll be taking care of you.

And you would be the politician Bengt-Erik Løvskog.

Guilty! Can you do me a favor?

Yes, of course.

I've been stuck breathing in this depressing hospital air.

Uh-huh.

Could you sneak me outside for some fresh air?

Now?

I've got to be in the great outdoors.

Yeah, well, your vital signs look pretty good...

so that's fine.

Woohoo.

- Damn, that feels good! - Hmm.

Tied the knot?

No. Have you?

But she passed.

I took my wife to the movies when I first asked her out.

- Yeah? - If you think about it...

Compared to you, that film would be ancient now.

You weren't even born then.

I don't know know. I might be older than you think.

Hit me with it.

- I'm thirty. - I don't believe it.

Just got your learner's permit?

- How long has she been gone? - Fifteen years.

Cancer.

But I've had other women since, trust me.

I don't doubt it.

This is clearly not a busy shift, huh?

It's quite an adventure following you around today.

It's been truly eye-opening.

- I guess playtime is over? - Yes, sir.

Johanne here

enjoys giving patients the full service experience:

the unapproved walks and strolls,

and things that could get her in hot water

with hospital management, but most importantly, me,

not that that seems to matter much.

It's been interesting to see your priorities, Johanne.

Good times.

What do you mean, "dangerous"?

Don't give up because escape room guy lost it.

Easy for you to say. The dude followed me.

I've been giving it a lot of thought, and it's like house hunting, you know?

You need to look around, go to viewings...

You never buy the first place you see.

You place some bids here and there, you lose a few, and then... bam!

There's your dream home.

But you may have to look for six months before you find it.

Put yourself back out there.

- I'm telling you, it's dangerous. - Sure, OK.

Escape room plumber guy was literally crazy.

Nah, we just need a guy who's a bit sportier.

What?

Except I'm not sporty.

You're way sportier than me.

Like this guy... Athletic dreamboat. Stein.

Look.

- Not bad! - Right?

What are you doing?

Sent.

- What did you just send? - Meet me tomorrow.

Mm-hmm.

- What are you looking at? - Fuck.

Sporty Stein!

DECEMBER 5TH

Just trying to warm up my triceps.

So I see.

Got it?

Yeah, I think.

- Here. Let's just... - Oh!

And this guy here...

- It's alright that I'm...? - Mm-hmm. Oh, sorry!

- I don't... - One sec.

There you go.

- You all set? - Mm-hmm.

Let's do it.

- So, like this? - Mm-hmm.

Like that, yeah.

If you enjoy spinning, I can get you some bike shoes,

so you can train this part here.

This old thing?

- Sorry for the touch. - No, it's fine.

It's cool of you to try this out.

Well, I'm sporty, so...

I get so nervous on a first date.

Staring at each other over coffee,

or in a dark movie theater.

Tell me about it. I am so goddamn over film dates, believe me.

- Yeah? - Hmm.

A nurse, huh?

Yeah.

That's fantastic.

You guys keep our society running.

Well, you and teachers.

- That's sweet. Thanks a lot. - I mean it.

Oh! Hey!

- Are you OK? - I think.

I'll be fine.

- Sorry. - Are you alright?

Is your crotch broken?

- Yeah. - Let me help you back up.

How did I do that?

- Thanks for saving my crotch. - No need to thank me.

It's fun playing the hero.

Yeah.

Oh...

There.

- OK? - OK.

Let's go!

Thanks for the spin date.

Oh, yeah.

Right back at you, man.

Are you on the mend with...?

- My crotch? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, she's doing better.

Do you have plans tomorrow?

No.

- OK. - Wait, hold on. I've got...

In the afternoon, I've got to be at the hospital.

Let's go skiing in the morning.

Call me if you have time.

- OK. I will. - OK?

- See you. - Alright, bye.

DECEMBER 6TH

Come on.

No!

Ready?

Yep.

Let's go!

Damnit!

How's it going in second place?

Come on!

Looking good!

If you press down hard with your foot,

you'll get a better grip and center of gravity.

Whoo!

Wet conditions today.

You should get ski skins.

No, they're good.

OK, let's go!

Fuck.

Hi there!

Whoo!

Don't forget what I said. A better center of gravity like this...

Yeah, I didn't forget.

You don't need to talk to me like I'm a kindergarten student.

- I'm not three. - I'm just trying to give you some tips.

- Thanks. - OK?

- Yes. - Let's go!

Mm-hmm.

Let's go.

Yeah...

Whoo!

You really fell behind there.

You should have added some extra wax to your skis.

Yes, exactly. That's the problem. Thanks, Stein.

I was hoping we'd ski together,

not with you a million miles ahead, egging me on from the top.

And as soon as I reach it, you keep making me chase you.

I thought it was kind of flirty.

It's not romantic to embarrass me.

Oh, fuck! I need to be at work in 20 minutes.

I can give you a ride. Come on. I have heated seats and everything.

No, thanks. It will be fine. It's only a couple stops anyway, so yeah.

Yeah, OK.

Let's do something next week. Something that doesn't raise your pulse.

I have a lot of shifts I'm picking up.

Like, tons of broken bones, diseases, people overtraining and worse.

So, I'm going to need to go.

I'm super late, but it was nice seeing you.

- OK, bye! - OK...

How about the week after next?

Well, what an interesting time to arrive at work.

And did you ski in today?

Yeah, traffic was a bit of a parking...

Right, so you just skied to the office? You don't think that's a bit ridiculous?

Yes. No. I mean, no, I think, but...

- Whatever you find amusing. - Thanks.

Oh, hi!

Oh, God.

- Hi. - Hi.

You're a skier?

Yep...

What's going on here?

Oh, I'm just going to kill myself!

So, how did it go?

I'm so fucking over this.

I'm never going on another date again, I swear.

I don't understand why people do this. I'm anti-dating now!

I just want to meet and have a chat. It doesn't even need to be good.

I'm fed up with some dumb hipster dude

picking apart my favorite movie of all time

while I accidentally stand in piles of reindeer shit.

I don't want to ski Holmenkollmarsjen until my toes fall off

and there's rug burn up in my fanny.

Sorry for the imagery.

And I definitely don't want to be locked in an escape room

with some insane little person,

while I count down the minutes to eternity.

Girl, I feel you. But we have a lot of dying patients to get to, so...

- Huh. There's that. - Can you check Mrs. Nergaard first?

- Yeah. OK. - Yep.

Come on, you stupid piece of... Stay there.

OK.

Jesus H Christ! Are you kidding me?

Not today, Satan!

I'll send you back to hell where you belong!

♪ When you meet someone who has someone ♪

♪ Is it your fault if you fall in love? ♪

♪ When you know That you could hurt someone ♪

♪ Is it your fault if you get involved? ♪

♪ Tried to stay away... ♪

Come on.

♪ But no one gets to me like you ♪

♪ I got everything to lose ♪

♪ Yeah, I know ♪

♪ It's a mistake And my heart's gonna break ♪

♪ It'll probably take me years To get over ♪

♪ Even the hurt, yeah ♪

♪ I know that it's worth All the years it'll take ♪

♪ For me to get over you, you ♪

♪ Years to get over you, you ♪

♪ When you meet someone and have someone ♪

♪ And you're falling in and out of love ♪

♪ And when you're close to giving up ♪

♪ Just to give in to another touch ♪

♪ You'll be coming home to me ♪

♪ Sleeping where you shouldn't be ♪

Check this out. You're the dude whisperer!

Where's the age limit? And did you do that bullshit of swiping right all guys?

Yes, see here!

Behind each dick pic is a guy with a heart of gold, or at least a guy.

And you have 28 of them to choose from.

Like him. He's real hot.

Jonas.

- If you're into 19-year-olds. - A grade A fuckboy.

But what do I say?

"Hey, I see you like long walks at sunset, dubstep and MILFs."

You could maybe open up with hello.

- He's 19. - You need to take control. Yeah?

If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work, but at least it's your call, right?

Find your spirit animal. Channel it.

Are you serious?

- OK. - Channel it.

- Harness your inner tiger. He's 19. - Really?

You totally have more experience.

That remains to be seen.

Put on that short-ass, bitching sparkly dress.

And then the ball will be in your court. Hopefully, they will be his balls.

- Proactive seduction. - Exactly.

DECEMBER 7TH

SORRY ABOUT THE SKI TRIP.

COFFEE SOMETIME?

Johanne?

Jonas?

Hey.

Bubbles first, then dancing, or dancing first and bubbles later?

Bubbly first.

My pops. On Pop's card.

- Cheers... - Yeah, cheers to Papa.

- No! - I was two.

- Like, in diapers? It's hard to hear. - I don't remember any of it.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit. That's wild.

♪ Our story's after the end Like strangers ♪

♪ Perfect pretenders ♪

♪ We're falling head over heels For something that ain't real ♪

♪ It could never be us ♪

- Are your parents coming home? - No, they're in Stockholm.

OK. OK.

Oh, I'm going to come.

- Uh! - Holy shit!

Is this real?

Wait, not so hard. Not so hard.

- OK. - OK.

A little harder than that.

Oh, yeah.

I'm coming.

OK.

Oh, my God...