All language subtitles for Hercules.The.Legendary.Journeys.S04E12.en

[ Chattering ]

Make sure you account
for every dinar, Salmoneus.
[ Coin Clinking ]

My brother intends
distributing them to the poor.

To thepoor?I mean,
[ Adjusts Tone ]
to the poor.

May they always benefit
from the king's generosity.

Yes, he always
had a big heart.

Why, I remember
when we were little,
[ Coins Clinking ]

he gave my toys
to the servants' children.

What an...
inspiration to us all.

Uh-huh.
Um, I ought to get back
to work.

I promised King Pholus
I'd be done by the time
he finished his nap.

[ Laughing ]

Don't worry.

I'm sure you'll have
plenty of time.

[ Whistling ]

Alone at last,
just the million of us.

And though we
can't be together for long,

we'll always remember
the time we shared.

[ Clattering ]

Who's there?

I warn ya!
I know Hercules!

If anything happens to me,
he's gonna be very upset.

[ Yells ]
Hey.
What's the big idea?

Please.
I'm only the king's
accountant.

Take the money!
Just leave my commission,
okay?

I'll do anything.
[ Whimpers ]
You can
start by letting go of my leg.

Your leg?
Of course.

[ Hawks, Spits ]
Shoeshine,
Your Mercifulness?

The name's Autolycus.
Perhaps you've heard of me?
[ Leather Squeaking ]

Who?

Oh, the King of Thieves!
It's an honor to be robbed
by you, sir.

Think nothing of it,
my good man.

You say you know Hercules.
Me, Salmoneus,
know Hercules?

We're the best of friends,
like strawberries and cream,

apples and honey,
Peaches and Herb.

Funny,
he never mentioned you.
Really?

[ Laughs ] Listen, since we got
the big guy in common, you're
not gonna hurt me, are ya?

Well, that depends
on you now, doesn't it?

You can either stand here
and watch me take this money,

or I can club you over the head,
and I'll take it anyway.

What was the first part,
again?
[ Man Screaming ]

[ Gasping ]
[ Salmoneus ]
King Pholus!

- No!
- [ Gasping Continues ]

Rosebush.
[ Groans ]

[ Man ]
By the gods!
They've killed the king!

- [ Shrieks ]
- Well, best of luck.

[ Yodeling ]
See ya later, whoo!

Autolycus, wait. After all
we've been through together,
you gotta take me with you!

- Oh, hey, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa--
- Wh-Whoa!

[ Both Yelling ]
Ow!

Seal off the city.
I want them found!
[ Soldier ] Right away!

[ Vendor ] Here!
Get your fresh fruit here!

We've got apples, oranges,
lemons, pineapples,

kumquats, pomegranates,
prickly pears!

[ Soldier ]
Can't find him anywhere!
Get your fresh fruit here!

Come on, sir. You, sir.
Fresh fruit for you, sir.

Fruit in the morning--
Ah. You.

[ Vendor ]
What can I get for
you this fine day?

[ Woman ]
Do you have any kiwis?

[ Vendor ]
Sorry. we don't carry kiwis.
That was close.

This is delicious.
You gonna eat yours?
Listen, melonhead,

I work alone,
especially when I'm escaping
certain death.

Hey, you're gonna
have to pay for that!

Guards!

[ Soldier ]
There they are!
Uh, just put it on our tab.

Come back!
Come back, here!
Don't let 'em get away!

- Wh-Whoa.
- They're the ones.

- [ Salmoneus ] Run!
-[ Soldier ]
We got 'em now.

Wrong way.
[ Blubbering ]

[ Soldier ]
They must have
gone down here!

dddd [ Piano ]

Where are we?
[ Woman ] Oh, no, no, no!
Stop, stop, stop!

Would you stop that!
[ Continues, Indistinct ]

Honestly,
I've seen more creativity
in a wet kipper!

Now, then, girls, women,

dance is like a language.

You must use your bodies
to speak. And what does
the body say?

It says, "Oooh! Oooh!

"I'm euphoric!
Oooh! Ooh, ooh!

I'm melancholic."

But above all, girls,
we must use our bodies
to tell the world,

in no uncertain terms,
"I am woman."
[ Breasts Squeaking ]

[ Snaps Fingers ]
That gives me an idea.

This is no time
to be thinking
about women.

On the contrary,
my soon-to-be
beardless friend,

now is the perfect time.
[ Widow Twanky ]
One and two and three and--

Say,
what's your size?

Hmm?
[ Gasps ]
[ Dancers Chattering ]

[ Man Narrating ]
This is the story
of a time long ago,

a time of myth and legend,

when the ancient gods
were petty and cruel,

and they plagued mankind
with suffering.

Only one man dared
to challenge their power--

Hercules.

Hercules possessed a strength
the world had never seen,

a strength surpassed
only by the power of his heart.

He journeyed the earth,
battling the minions
of his wicked stepmother, Hera,

the all-powerful
queen of the gods.

But wherever
there was evil,

wherever an innocent
would suffer,

there would be... Hercules.

- [ Screeching ]
- [ Roaring ]

Hail!

Ooh, now this is to die for.
Say, are you a spring
or a winter?

Winter.
But that's not the point!
We're innocent!

Oh, sure, they'll believe that.
You were holding the knife,
and I'm the King of Thieves.

If we're lucky,
they'll only kill us once.

That's a good point.
Now, about that makeover--

Umm, uhh.

It is with a heavy heart,
that I take my brother's
place on the throne.

But royal duty compels me
to take control of his armies...

and his vast riches...

and his important collection
of fine jams and cheeses.

Now, then!
I need not stress...

the importance of bringing
these two assassins to justice.

We'll seal off the city and go
door-to-door, if needs be,
but I want them found!

[ Widow Twanky ]
Look-and-down-and-look--

and heads yet round,
round, round.

[ Laughs Gleefully ]
Ooh, lovely! Smile.

Smile! Look.

Oh!
Now, into the picture.

Oh.
Oh, that was so lovely.

That's wonderful, girls.
Much better.

Now then,
take a break.
Catch your breath.

[ Autolycus ]
Uh, excuse us.
Mm-hmm? Oh!

Well. I was going to say,
"May I help you?"

But it appears events
have passed us by.

Um,
I'm... Autolyca,

and this is my partner,
Sal... monella.

Charmed.
[ Giggles ]

- What happened to your face?
- I cut myself... waxing.

[ Chuckles ]
Anyhoo, we're a couple
of nomadic showgirls...

looking for
a stage to grace.

Oh, well then, ladies,
[ Clicks Tongue ]

I think you better
show me your particulars.

No, what dance steps
do you know?

[ Both Laughing ]
Uh, oh--
Oh, we know them all.

The mambo.
The tango.

The Chachi.
And the Joanie.
[ Laughs ]

Ooh, well, I can see you
both have very sizable r?sum?s,

but unfortunately,
all our positions
are filled at the moment.

[ Salmonella Cries ]
I knew it!
[ Autolyca ] Oh.

We're worthless!
[ Sobbing ]
Ow!

Now, Salmonella,
speak for yourself.

[ Sobbing Continues ]
Uh, well--

Oh, I suppose
an extra pair of legs
can't hurt you.

Make you run faster, anyway.
You two can be our understudies.

[ Both Gasp ]
Oh, happy day!

Now, then,
I'm the Widow Twanky,

known throughout the Western
world as "Laughing Lizzie,
the Sailor's Surprise."

Now, if you want to join
my traveling terpsichore
of toe-tapping tulips,

- you shall have to observe
a few simple rules.
- Oh, we'd love to hear them.

Well, rule number one--
We do two shows a day--
Mm-hmm.

and after the second show,
I like my tulips flossed--

Mm-hmm.
and in their pajamas
and in bed.

And I'll even help
tuck them in.
[ Laughs ]

Rule number two--
no alcohol and no junk food.

Your body is a temple,

and I will not brook
the sullying of its
porticoes on my watch.

- Hallelujah.
- And rule number three--

- no men.
- [ Together ]
No problem!

[ Giggles ]
Right.

Girls, could I have
your attention, please?

Let's give a big,
warm tulip welcome...

to the newest members
of our troupe--

Autolyca
and Salmonella.

[ All, Singsong ]
Howdy do, sisters!
Oh!

[ Widow Twanky
Giggling ]
[ Both ] Howdy do!

Right. Let's go
from the top, shall we?
[ Clears Throat ]

Um, why don't you two
just sit this one out?

Rest your best feature,
pay attention to the steps and
you'll pick it up in no time.

[ Widow Twanky
Chuckling ]
[ Giggles ]

[ Sighs, Clears Throat ]
Now, Cupcake, are you ready?

[ Cupcake ]
I was born ready.

dddd [ Slow Jazz ]

d
dd Some girls die for diamonds d

dd Some gals go for gold dd

dd But if you want
the key to my heart dd

dd Just listen
to what you're told dd

dd I don't need
tons of jewels dd

dd Rings and things
are meant for fools dd

dd To make
our two hearts meet dd

dd Feed me something sweet dd

dd I crave lots of candy
Cookies and cakes are dandy dd

dd Let me lick your lollipop dd

dd And you can try
my lemon drop dd

dd So if you dip
into my cookie jar dd

dd Then, sugar daddy
we'll go far dd

dd Kisses and hugs
just ain't enough dd

dd I want a bite
of your cream puff dd

dd Ooh, don't make me repeat dd

dd Feed me something sweet dd

ddd
dd Feed me something sweet d

Bravo! Bravo!
[ Laughs ]

What a snake charmer.
Tell me about it.

If I don't get a looser skirt,
I'm gonna blow my cover.
[ Laughs ]

[ Widow Twanky ] The Athens
Grande Royale Hotel have
graciously extended to us...

the full utilization
of their facilities...

whilst we are
performing in the area.

And I don't want to catch
any of you girls...

in the gambling halls
or the taverns.
[ Disappointed Groans ]

Am I making myself clear?

[ All ]
Yes, Widow Twanky.

- Good.
-[ Soldier ] Keep an eye out.
They can't hide forever.

[ Bell Rings ]
Front, boy.
Coming, sir.

[ Sal Giggles ]
So, tell me, girls. Howdoyou
keep your hose from running?

[ Widow Twanky ]
Okay, this way girls--
room assignments.

[ Excited Squealing ]
Come along now.
Watch your step.

This way, girls.
Quickly, off you go,
up the stairs.

Ohh!
[ Gasping ]
Oh, no.

[ Shuddering ]
To whom does this belong?

Cupcake?
Oh, Widow Twanky,
I--

Mistress Twanky,

I cannot tell a lie.

It's hers.
What?

[ Autolyca ]
Sorry, sister.
It's for your own good.

Smuggling sweets,
and on show day as well.

But-But-But-But-But--
But I-- But--

Don't you "but" me,
young lady.

[ Gasps ]
Ow!
Now, then,

you go up to your room,
and you stay there all day.

And while the rest of us
are relaxing in the spa,

you should have
ample opportunity to discover
the ramifications...

of your "ingestatory"
overindulgence!
[ Ear Stretching, Popping ]

- Now, off you go!
And, you, go on!
-Oh. Oh. Yes, ma'am.

Well, come on.
Your legs aren't painted on!
Hurry, hurry, hurry.

[ Laughing And Giggling ]

Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Whee.

[ Laughs ]
Wheee!
[ Squeals ]

Oh, gee, Autolyca.
Thanks for savin' my butt.

Oh, think nothing
of it, Cupcake.

It's a butt
worth saving.

Besides, us girls,
we need to stick together,
close together.

Oh, I feel so bad about
Salmonella, takin' the blame
for me and all.

Oh, don't give it
a second thought.
I haven't.

I guess I'm a slave
to my sweet tooth.

There's just somethin'
about frosting that
makes me feel all--

mmm, oh--
boop-boop-a-doopy inside!
[ Both Laugh ]

But you still manage
to keep your figure.

Ooh, I just hate you.
Oh!
[ Laughs ]

I swear,
if I ever met a man who loved
sweets as much as I do,

I'd tie him to my bed
and never let him go.

I like the way you think.

So tell me, uh,
what else do you like
in a man?

Well, he-he'd have
to be kind to animals too...

and maybe a little,
I don't know,

wild and dangerous.
Ooh.
[ Growling ]

But I guess that's
just wishful thinking.

I haven't exactly been lucky
when it comes to love.

[ Clicks Tongue ]
Call it female intuition,

but I think your luck
is about to change.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Laughs ]
This is just great.

I can't believe
I let him talk me into this.

I feel so exposed
without my beard,

so vulnerable, so naked,

so-- so--

so smooth.

Mmm.
[ Knocking ]

It's about time.

[ Whimpers ]
Well, hello.

Excuse us, I didn't mean
to disturb you, Miss--

Monella--
Sal Monella.

What an enchanting name.
[ Kisses Hand ]
[ Giggles ]

So full ofmystery.
Can I help you
with something?

Oh, uh, have you seen
these two men, Miss Monella?

No, no, no. Never, never, never.
Not allowed to have men. No, no.
[ Laughs ]

No.
Please,
would you mind looking?

[ Screams ]
How hideous!

Uh, d-don't be alarmed,

but these two men have
assassinated the king.

Uh, don't worry.
We've sealed off
the city.

They'll be found
soon enough.
I should hope so.

And now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get ready for my show.

Ahhh, you're a dancer.
[ Chuckles ]
Well--

I should've guessed from
the curvaceous musculature
of your... legs.

[ Chuckles ]
So kind of you to notice.

Oh, very little
escapes my watchful eye,

especially when it is feasting
on such a gorgeous creature.
[ Giggles ]

Perhaps we'll meet again,
Miss Monella.

Only the Fates can tell.
Bye.

Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye.

[ Giggling,
Rapid Breaths ]

Oh, Salmonella,
my friend,

I haven't felt this
way since, oh, last week.

Where have you been?
We've gotta get outta here!

Oh, that Cupcake.
What a dish. Ooh-whee.

I ought to have her eating
out of the palm of my hand
by suppertime.

Will you forget the girl?
Gekkus and his men
were just here.

Oh, yeah?
Well, you're still alive.
The disguise must have worked.

A little too well.
He kissed my hand.

Ooh, a wanted man, eh?
You little vixen.
Say, now this is you.

Are we
going somewhere?
Not "we," me.

I borrowed
these threads from a very
generous-looking couple.

-They didn't seem to mind.
- [ Laughs ]

In fact,
they didn't seem to notice.

Gadzooks!
If I were a woman,
I'd kiss myself.

Wait. You can't
leave me again like this.

Sorry, old girl.
You're grounded.
[ Laughs ]

Last one to their room's
a rotten egg.
Okay!

[ Girls Giggling ]
Oh, I'm so sorry.

Think nothing of it,
my dear.
[ Yelps ]

Why, the world
is just a chaotic stage,
just teaming with activity.

A little bump-and-grind
here and there
is to be expected.

Well, gee,
I never thought of it
that way, mister.

I guess you're right.
Why,
where are my manners?

[ Laughs ]
I forgot to introduce myself.

Farciferous Von Baklava,
Esquire, at your service.

[ Squeals ]
Golly!

I have never had an esquire
at my service before.

I'm Cupcake.

Oh, is that your dog?
Why, yes it is.
Cupcake, meet Creampuff.

Hmm.
I named her after
my greatest culinary creation.

You... invented
the cream puff?

I certainly did.
I own a string of bakeries
all across Greece.

Oh, gods, forgive me,
but I am a slave
to my sweet tooth.

[ Swoons ]
You don't say.

Oh, I doobee-do.
[ Groans ]

But the money, the castles--
that can't mean a thing to me...

until I know all the animals
of the world are safe and happy.

I guess that's why
I turned my gardens...

into a sanctuary
for abused wildlife.

You mean, you care
about animals that much?
How could I not?

Just look at that face.
Ooh-whoo.

[ Barks, Whimpers ]

[ Laughs ]
There, there.

I rescued Creampuff
here from a band
of murderous pirates.

[ Breathlessly ] Oh, my!
That sounds so dangerous.

It was, Cupcake,
very, very dangerous.

Oh, wow!

It's not every day
that I meet an animal-loving,
daredevil...

pastry mogul
with a sweet tooth like mine.
[ Widow Twanky ] Come on, girls!

Hurry along!
Too many bubbles can make
you go blind.

[ Girls Giggling ]
Cupcake?
Is this gentleman bothering you?

Ooh, much
better now.
Oh, no.

I was just stroking
his poodle.
[ Dog Whimpers ]

You hardly know him.
Now, run along.

You're dripping
all over the floor.
I guess I gotta go.

It was nice meeting you.

Yes, well,
as for you,

if you wish to have
anything more to do
with my Cupcake,

you will have
to go through me,

you...
strapping, young buck.

[ Whimpers, Barks ]

[ Salmoneus ]
dd You can lick my lollipop dd

dd And I will suck
your lemon drop dd

[ Saber Rattling ]
dd Dada-da, da-da-- dd

[ Screams ] Peeping Tom!
Don't flatter yourself,
cookie-puss. It's me.

-Can't a girl have some privacy?
-Relax, it's nothing
I haven't seen before.

- On second thought--
-[ Soft Knocking ]

Autolyca!
It's Cupcake.

Can I come in?
Quick.
Get up and answer the door.

She can't see me
like this.
I'm in the tub.

Where are my melons?
Don't look at me.

Autolyca?
[ Falsetto ]
Just a minute.

[ Water Splashing ]

In here, sweetie,
in the bathroom.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting?

Not at all, Cuppy.
Three's company!

Oh, Autolyca,
you were right.

I finally met my dream man.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, I just knew you would,
snookie-lumps.

Uh-huh.
You know what I always say?

If something looks too good
to be true, it probably is.

- [ Groans, Laughs ]
- She's just jealous.

He sounds wonderful.

And who do we think
we are today,
Xena and Gabrielle?

Now, come on girls!
Chop, chop!
The stage awaits.

[ Autolycus ]
Well, looks like your
not-so-secret admirer is here.

Just my luck.
And my shoes don't
even match my tail.

Ooh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness--
Oh, what's the matter?

[ Gasps ]
Rena and Dena--
food poisoning.

I told them to keep away
from that pickled chinchilla.
Oh, what are we gonna do?

They were
our opening act.
Oh.

You two.
You're on!
Oh!
Oh!

- Us?
- Yes.
With your dance experience,

the Hootchy-Kootchy
Jiggle-Wiggle should be
no problem at all.

Hoo-Hootchy-Kootchy
Jiggle-Wiggle?
Why, sure.

The-The-The
Hootchy-Kootchy Jiggle-Wiggle,
that's our favorite.

Oh! A couple of pros.
I love it.
Show must go on!

Gee, you gals
are a lot braver than I am.

- [ Modest Scoffs ]
- I'd be too embarrassed...

to go out there
in front of everyone
and get naked.

[ Girls Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Together ]
N-N-N-Naked?

Yoo-hoo!

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
[ Applause ]

Good evening and welcome.
Welcome, one and all,
to the Athenian Royal Palladium.

- Now, are there any married men
in the audience?
- Yes.

Yeah, I am!
Get home to your wives. You
should be ashamed of yourselves!

- [ Audience Laughing ]
-[ Widow Twanky ]
Is there anybody from Corinth?

It's over.
Finished. Kaput.

Nothing personal,
but I hate your guts!

You think
you got it rough,
puffball?

The last thing I need to see
before I go is you naked.

I don't wanna die!
I don't wanna die!
I don't wanna die!

Then let's make
like Zeus and bolt.
How can we?

-Gekkus's guards are everywhere!
-And now,
without any further ado,

I'd like you to put
your hands together for...

the Hootchy-Kootchy
Jiggle-Wiggle.
[ Man ] Yeah!

[ Audience Cheering,
Applauding ]

[ Man Shouting ]
Bring 'em on!

dddd [ Burlesque ]
[ Hissing ]

dddd [ Continues ]

[ Shouts, Whistles ]

Whoo!
Ooh!

dddd [ Continues ]

[ Audience Exclaiming ]

Whoo!

Whoa!

- [ Sighs ]
Whee!
- [ Woman Squeals ]

Ahhh!

Whoo!

[ Man Shouting ]
Yeah!

[ Children Giggling ]

[ Wolf Whistle ]

Huhhh!

- [ Audience Clamoring ]
- [ Man ] Come on!
Take off your dress!

Oh! Ooh!

[ Audience Exclaiming ]

[ Fabric Ripping ]
Oh-ho!

[ Man ]
Come on! Show us!

[ Cheering ]

Oh, thank you, girls.
That was a sublime performance.
[ Dancers Squealing ]

Run along,
and have a light supper.
But,

remember to be back in
time for tonight's show.

[ Overlapping Chatter ]
Um, oh. Beautiful.

[ Dancer ]
I think I broke a heel.

Where'd
you score the buds?
Gekkus sent them to me.

He wants me to meet him
for dinner at his castle.

What do you think?
Should I play hard-to-get?

Is your wig on too tight?
Aside from the fact that
he's trying to kill us,

he seems like
a really nice guy.

Listen, Sallie, you're not
that kinda girl, remember?
Oh, what do you know?

You're just jealous
'cause nobody sent
you flowers.

Sure, they did.
Hey,
give them back!

Nobody ever gave me
flowers before.
Here's one for your date.

By the way, clean up
your side of the room,
will ya?

It's a sty.

Well, I never!

Cupcake, what's wrong?
Oh, nothin'.

I was just kinda hopin'
Farciferous would show.

Maybe he didn't like me,
after all.

Now,
I know that's not true.

These came for you.
[ Gasps ]

Oh, they're from Farciferous.
He wants to meet me
at the gazebo!

Oh, that sounds
so romantic.

[ Clicks Tongue ]
I think he's the one for you,
Cupcake.

My advice-- Don't do
anything I wouldn't do.
Mm-hmm.

And that's not a long list.
Oh, Autolyca.

You are so bad.
[ Laughs ]

And it feels so good.

[ Water Trickling ]

I didn't think
you were coming.

I'm so sorry
to keep you waiting,
sweetcheeks,

but, well,
I had a delivery
to take care of.

A delivery?
Yes, a pregnant yak
went into labor.

Oh, but I'll spare you
the gory details.
Oh, no, please.

Tell me
what happened.

They were twins.
Oh.

Two of them.
We tried to reach
the bull,

but...
he was out grazing.

Oh, Farciferous,
you are so brave.

[ Laughs ]
Not at all.

It's what any extraordinary man
in my position would've done.
Oh.

But enough about me.
I've got a little surprise
for you.

Now, sit down right here.

[ Gasps ]
For me?
[ Laughs ]

Oh!
May I?

Uh-huh.
[ Gasps ] Ohh!
[ Laughs ]

Ohh!

Mmm!
[ Laughs ]

Sprinkles,
my favorite.

[ Laughs ]

[ Gulps ]

[ Gasps ]

Give me some sugar,
baby.

[ Moaning ]

[ Sighs ]
[ Loud Slap ]

Oh!

Fricasseed squab,
my favorite.
Leave us.

You are the most
incredible woman
I've ever met.

You're not just a dancer.
You're an... artiste.

Oh, Gekkie.

You're such a talker.
[ Giggles ]

I...
have something for you.

No.
[ Chuckles ]

They're a family heirloom.

I want you to have them.

Oh, Gekkus,
I-- I don't know what to say.

[ Sobs ]
You're the first man...

who's ever given me
his family jewels.

There's plenty more
where they came from.

Oh.

[ Moaning ]

Oh.

Cupcake, ha-have I
done something wrong?

[ Sniffles ]
No.

You've done everything right.

Then what's the matter?

[ Sobbing ]
I'm so...

happy.

I'd hate
to see you depressed.

[ Sobbing ]
I never thought
a sm-small-town girl like me...

would be lucky enough
to find a swell guy like you.
[ Sniffles ]

Most men lie and steal...

and lead double lives.

But it's different
with you.
It is?

I feel like
I can trust you.

You do.

Oh, I may not be
the smartest girl
in the world, Farciferous.

But if you gave me
half a chance,

I know I could
make you happy.

I'm yours.

What's the matter?
Cupcake,

I think I...

respect you.

Me too.

Good.

Because, I--

I really have to go.

Did you enjoy your dinner,
my darling?

Yes, thank you.

But I really
should be getting back
to the theater now.

Oh, but you'll miss
the best part--

[ Dishes Clattering ]
[ Gasping ]

dessert.

[ Whimpers ]
I don't eat dessert
on the first date.

I must have you.
But you don't know
anything about me.

I know enough.
I know I love you.

[ Gasps, Cries Out ]

No!
[ Muttering ]

I'm not that kind of girl!
I don't care
what kinda girl you are.

All I care about is us.

And now my no-good brother
is out of the way--
we can have the world.

But I thought
you loved your brother.
Loved him? I loathed him.

Having him killed
was my greatest triumph.

[ Giggles ]
Now, kiss me
before I explode!

[ Cries Out ]

Does this mean
we still can't be friends?

Salmoneus?

Where are ya?

Well, at least
one of us got lucky.
[ Knocking ]

- [ High-pitched ]
Who is it?
- It's Cupcake.

- I need to talk to you.
- Uh, ju-just a minute.

[ Running Footsteps ]

Why, Cupcake,
what's the matter?

[ Sobbing ]
Oh, Autolyca.
I don't know what I did wrong.

He just left me.
[ Sobbing ]
Oh, there, there, dear.

I guess I was stupid
to think that...

someone like that
could love me.

Now, you listen to me,
Cupcake.

There is nothing wrong
with you.
[ Chuckles ]

Your heart's as big
as they come, and if
he can't see what I see,

then...
he doesn't deserve you.

Oh, you're so good
to me, Autolyca.

Why, you're
the best friend
I ever had.

Cupcake,
there'ssomething
I should tell you.

Oh!
Well, well, well.

I should compliment you
on your fashion sense.

You almost had me fooled--
almost.

Who are you?
You just don't know
when to quit, do you?

I had you
pegged as a guy
from the get-go.

[ Grunts ]
Ow! Let go of me!
[ Hair Ripping ]

All right, cut it out.
It's me you want.

- [ Gasps, Groans ]
- I'm sorry, Cupcake. I--

- I tried to tell ya.
- Take 'em to my castle,

and summon
the executioner.

Ugh, get your hands off me.
Ugh!

[ Sighs ]
I never meant to hurt you,
Cupcake, honest.

[ Scoffs ]
"Honest,"
that's a laugh.

Aren'tyou
the heartbreaker?
Me? What about you?

If you'd been a better date,
we wouldn't be in this mess.

If I'd been a better date, I'd
be picking up a wedding dress.
Would that be so bad?

Some people
struggle their whole lives
to find love.

I'm just not ready for
that kind of commitment,
okay?

[ Cupcake ]
Will you two shut up?
[ Salmoneus ] He started it.

If I could just
reach under my skirt.
Youaredesperate.

I just stopped by
to tell you;
you'll be dead shortly.

Leave the girl
out of this, will ya?
It's us you want.

Yeah, she doesn't know
you killed your brother
and set us up for the fall.

Oops.
Listen, from now on,
whatever instinct you have,

- do the opposite.
- I set you up,
because you are an idiot.

You just happened
to be in the wrong place
at the wrong time,

which makes you
an idiot too.

[ Scoffing Chuckle ]
You're tellin' me.

Well, enough chat.

Time to die.

Now would be a good time
for some moves.
Aw, keep your skirt on.

- Kill them!
-[ Ropes Straining ]

[ Yells ]

- [ Grunting ]
-[ Cupcake ]
Watch out!

[ Yelling ]

[ Yells ]
[ Soldiers Groaning ]

[ Gekkus Grunting, Groaning ]

- [ Grunting, Yelling ]
- [ Groaning ]

Come on!
[ Grunting ]

[ Cupcake ]
Come on! Let's go!
May I?

Ugh!
You may.

Come on!
Nahhh!

[ Cupcake ] Hurry!
[ Gekkus Groans ]
After them!

Oh. Now then, girls.
We're a few short,
so I'm going to improvise.

Now then,
[ Audience:
Lecherous Chatter ]

I want to see those legs
high in the air...
but not too far apart.

Come on.
Ooh!
Ohh!

[ Laughing, Shouting ]

Oh!
Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh.

[ Audience Clamoring ]
Ooh.

Ooh. Uh-uh-uhh.

Ooh! Oh!

Ah!

Oh-ooh-ooh.
Aha!

[ Cheering, Shouting ]
I think we lost 'em.

Yeah?
You thinktheyknow that?

- [ Grunting ]
- [ Salmoneus, Cupcake Whimper ]

Well, boys,
any more bright ideas?

- [ Yelling, Grunting ]
- [ Dancers Squealing ]

Ohh! That hurt.

- dddd [ Dissonant Organ Note ]
- There they are!

It's about time
you gentlemen showed up.
You knew we were men?

Oh! Stuck out
like a sore thumb.

[ Soldiers Growling, Grunting ]

- Ooh, ooh! Wah!
- [ Soldier ] Ow!

[ Soldier Yelling ]
Get him!

- [ Autolycus Grunts ]
- [ Soldier Groans ]

dddd [ Continues ]

- [ Whimpers ]
- [ Yelling ]

[ Screaming ]

- [ Autolycus Yelling ]
- [ Helmet Clangs ]

- Yahhh!
- dddd [ Jazzy ]

- [ Bellowing ]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[ Squeals, Falsetto Yells ]

- [ Cheering ]
- [ Soldiers Groaning ]

[ Yelling ]

[ Yelling, Chattering ]

[ Cheering ]
Whoo!

[ Yelling ]
Ooh!
[ Yelling ]

[ Laughs ]
[ Soldiers Groan ]

- Haa!
- [ Soldier Grunting ]

Hyah!
[ Groans ]

dddd [ Continues ]

- What? [ Groaning ]
- [ Rope Whipping ]

[ Screaming ]

Ooh!
[ Whooping Yells ]

[ Cheering ]

Help!

Oh, well, I think that
just about does it.

- Ohh!
-[ Cupcake ] Uhh!
- Nobody move!

- Or I cut the cake.
- Wait, don't hurt her.

- Um, take us, instead.
- What are you, nuts?

Not another step.
[ Groans ]

- He's a maniac.
He killed the king.
- [ Booing ]

No! No, it's not true.

I loved my brother. He--
He was like family to me.

Ugh! Men!
[ Grunts ]
Ooh!

[ Audience Applauds ]

- [ Yells ]
- [ Cries Out, Groans ]

[ Cheering ]

[ Ovation Continues ]
Oh!

[ Whistles, Cheers ]

[ Chuckles ]

Mmm-mwah!
[ Sputters ]

[ Ovation Continues ]

[ Groans ]

Enjoy your stay.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Growls ]

Cupcake, um,

I know there's nothing
I could ever say to make up...

for what I've done, and,

well, you have
no reason to believe
a louse like me, but...

when I told you
I didn't deserve you,

I, um,
well, I meant it.

Well,

it was interesting
knowing you.

Cupcake,

the guy
you're looking for
is out there.

I know you'll find him.

Who knows?

Maybe you'll be
that guy... some day.

[ Clears Throat ]

I feel like such a fool.
I thought he liked me for me.
Mmm.

Men, they're only
interested in one thing.
Mm-hm-hmm.

I never thought I'd say this,
but I feel so-- so...used.

Oh, well,
never mind, love.
I mean, it's his loss.

Actually, uh,
it is.
Oh!

[ Both Laugh ]

Question-- Uh,
if you knew that we were men,
why'd you play along?

Well, I think all men
should walk a mile
in women's shoes.

They might learn
a thing or two.
Don't you agree, sonny?

You said it,
Twank.
Ohh!

Actually,
my feet are killin' me.
Well, gotta run.

Well, good-bye, boys.
And remember,

I'll always keep
a warm spot open for you.

You come back anytime.

You never know.

[ Mouths Farewell,
Sighs ]