Original subtitles

My name's Mike Hagen.

I'm a sportswriter.

If you read the papers, maybe you've heard of me.

I was invoIved in that ruckus up in Boston.

A Iot of peopIe have asked me for the facts about that affair.

I certainIy have no objection to teIIing my side of it.

StiII, the story wouIdn't be compIete...

...unIess you heard from some of the others invoIved, Iike...

...MariIIa.

I imagine MariIIa might have something to say.

I have a good deaI to say.

Not onIy about my side of it, but about Mike's, too.

Because Mike doesn't aIways teII the truth.

Not that he means to Iie or anything, but, weII, you have to know Mike.

Then, of course, there's someone eIse...

...who couId shed considerabIe Iight on things...

...if she wiII.

I'm Lori Shannon. I reaIIy have very IittIe to teII.

I was invoIved, of course, but in quite an innocent way.

Not everybody beIieved that.

But I'm sure Zachary WiIde does.

Look, frankIy, I'd Iike to keep out of the whoIe mess.

However, there is another witness. A man named Maxie StuIz.

I'm sure he couId be very informative.

Yeah, I want to teII everything I know, the whoIe truth.

Because I was aIways a good standup boy. Honest fighter.

I was champion for three years. I'm making a comeback now.

So...

...I want to teII everything I know, everything.

Let me think now.

I don't know anything.

The whole thing began out in Beverly Hills, the night of the California lnvitational...

...a golf tournament.

l'd picked Johnny Strawn in the sportswriters' Calcutta...

...a sort of lottery. And l'd won myself $1,200.

So l was buying that night and feeling fine.

Just fine.

Hey, Mike. I want to ask Mike. Come here.

Mike, teII the guy about the guy that wears the gIasses and the umpire....

I say Johnny Strawn wiII be the best goIfer in America in 10 years.

What do you think of that?

l was feeling just fine the next morning.

lt was noon.

l'd been up about half an hour...

...showering, shaving and breakfasting on a small tin of aspirin.

Nothing helped.

Let's see now.

Up until 10:00 the night before, everything was crystal clear.

l was having some drinks with some newspaper friends...

...celebrating the $1,200 l'd won.

$1,200.

All l had now was three $10s and a handful of silver.

Going down.

Some newspapermen drink too much.

Hi, boy.

Hi, Larry.

-How do you feeI? -Yeah.

How did you handIe the story yesterday?

The story. The CaIifornia InvitationaI. Remember?

You didn't forget to fiIe your copy?

Since when have I ever forgotten to fiIe my copy?

There's aIways a first time.

My copy. Had l forgotten it? A lead flashed in front of my eyes.

''Johnny Strawn...

''...the Gill-Sized Giant of Golfdom...

''...Smashes His Way to Victory With a Sizzling 66. ''

Had l written those words somewhere, sometime?

Had l dreamed them?

Miss.

-Yes, sir? -I'd Iike to see a copy of a Iong wire...

...that I sent to The New York Record Iate Iast night or 2:00 or 3:00 this morning.

-Are you sick, mister? -The wire, pIease.

Yes, sir.

WeII, Iet's see: The New York Times, The New York Herald Tribune.

The New York Record.

The greatest golf story of the decade, and l'd fluffed it.

My career was ruined.

Coffee. That's what l needed, coffee.

Seven or eight pots of coffee, in a quiet locale...

...where l could think up a good lie for my editor.

Coffee. PIease.

There he was.

My character of the night before. Mr. Michael Hagen.

l thought he saw me, too, so l gave him a friendly wave.

My character seemed a little subdued this morning.

lt never occurred to me that my character...

...didn't have the slightest idea who l was.

WeII.

-Good morning. How do you feeI? -Great. Tiptop.

Did you sIeep aII right?

Fine, I'm not even awake yet.

Your eyes are red.

I bathed them in AIka-Fizz.

WeII, anyway, it's a beautifuI morning.

Look. Isn't it IoveIy?

May I make a suggestion?

Why don't you jump into a swimsuit and take a quick pIunge?

-May I make a suggestion? -What?

You take a pIunge.

Sorry. I guess you're not feeIing very sociabIe.

Here, I've been waiting aII morning.

Why? What's that?

$700. You gave it to me.

-When? -Last night.

-What for? -You Iiked me.

-That much, huh? -Now.

-Here, you keep it. -Don't be ridicuIous.

-I gave it to you, it's yours. -PIease.

If I gave it to you, I must have meant it--

-CaII for Mr. Hagen. -Just a minute.

-Boy. -Yes, sir?

-If you think-- -Mr. Hagen? New York is caIIing.

-Where? -You can take it in that booth there.

Now, Iisten, Mr. Hagen. Listen....

l had to stay, if only to straighten Mr. Hagen out on a few facts.

-Mike Hagen here. -Mr. Hagen?

Ned Hammerstein of The New York Record caIIing.

Yeah, put him on.

-Hello, Mike? -HeIIo, Ned. Listen, about that copy.

I can't understand what happened. I spoke to Western Union--

Never mind about the copy. You're in a IittIe troubIe, boy.

What do you mean, troubIe? I'm trying to expIain why my copy--

Forget it. The copy was okay. Now, Iook.

You mean you Iiked my copy? The copy that I sent? Last night?

Yes, it was aII right. Now what is the matter with you?

Nothing, Ned. Everything is great.

WeII, everything is not so great back here.

That coIumn you did on Mart DayIor and the fight racket.

He was here twice about a retraction, he's pIenty burned.

Fine, fine. Good morning.

-Are you listening to me? -CertainIy. Why?

l want to remind you, my friend...

...that Mart DayIor knows some very infIuentiaI peopIe.

EspeciaIIy a bevy of thugs...

...who'd like to see you laid out in an alley with your face bashed in.

Okay, great, I'II take care of it right away. You Iiked my copy?

Yes, I toId you twice! I Iiked the copy!

Okay, aII right, Ned. Bye-bye.

l was a new man.

My hangover was gone. l felt like singing.

l loved the whole world and all its people.

l would even, l decided, be nice to that ugly girl who'd been annoying me.

lt must have been a different girl.

WeII, how wouId you Iike some breakfast? Waiter.

A breakfast menu, pIease.

I'd Iike to apoIogize for the way I acted. I was a IittIe revved up about something.

There was a story that I was supposed to send to New York and I was afraid....

It's nothing that wouId interest you much. It was a story that--

You mean the ''Johnny Strawn, the GiII-Sized Giant of GoIfdom'' story?

-How did you know? -We wrote it together. The two of us.

Where?

In a very smaII and quite dirty bar and griII about 40 miIes north.

-You wired the story from Santa Barbara. -Then that's when.... That's why--

That's when you gave me $700.

-I'm sorry. -It's aII right.

-What happened after that? -Nothing.

We drove home and I took you to your door about 6:00.

-You reaIIy don't remember? -Go on.

WeII, nothing.

You shook my hand and toId me if I was ever in New York...

...to Iook you up and you'd find me a spot in the sports-writing fieId.

AII right. When can you start?

I reaIIy wrote it?

-IncIuding that ''GiII-Sized Giant of--'' -WeII, actuaIIy that phrase was my idea.

-I'm gIad. -I thought it was rather good.

-Where did we meet, anyway? -Right over there at the bar.

Then I was at Mrs. Herrington's when you came in with friends.

Yeah, Mrs. Herrington.

-Yes. -Yeah. Who's Mrs. Herrington?

We began to laugh. Three hours later, we were still laughing.

-How about dinner? -I'm afraid not.

I'm on a 6:00 pIane to New York. Thanks anyway, though.

Here, you earned it. By heIping me write the story.

-Now, Iet's not pIay that again. -No, you saved my job.

PIease.

Okay, we'II spend it. That's the onIy way to settIe things.

Every penny, take a coupIe of days doing it.

-If that isn't the siIIiest-- -After aII, we worked hard.

-We're entitIed to reIaxation, both of us. -I don't need reIaxation.

-You work, don't you? -Of course.

-We'II spend it together, have a reaI baII. -I couIdn't possibIy.

Nobody knows how to Iive anymore. We're too busy to enjoy ourseIves.

You know where you are right now?

-WeII, just offhand-- -CaIifornia, the pIayground of the West.

It's aII around us: The mountains, the desert, MarineIand, the Pacific Ocean.

-Don't forget the Pacific Ocean. -I won't.

TeII me, have you ever saiIed in a smaII boat way out on the ocean...

...with the saIt spray in your face and the wind in your hair?

-No. Have you? -CertainIy not, do you think I'm crazy?

But I'd be wiIIing to try.

-Come on. -No, I couIdn't. I couIdn't possibIy.

During the next four days, we hardly made a dent in Mike's $700...

...because all we did was lie around and yak it up.

-What's that? -A sketch for a dress.

-That's what I do, design cIothes. -For a Iiving?

WeII, what do you know?

That's why I must get back to New York tonight. That's why....

For heaven's sake, do you reaIize I haven't packed yet?

I'm sorry.

-PIease, Mike, I've reaIIy got to rush. -Wait.

We have things to see: MarineIand, the porpoises.

We haven't seen them feed the porpoises.

Mike, it's out of the question. I can't possibIy. Come on.

Welcome to Marineland of the Pacific, the world's largest oceanarium.

l can't remember who first brought up the subject of love.

lt certainly doesn't sound like me.

One minute l was experting on the care and feeding of porpoises...

...and the next thing l knew, we were talking about love. lts symptoms.

I eat Iike a fooI. When I'm in Iove, I mean.

My friends toId me they couIdn't swaIIow a morseI, but I eat Iike a fooI.

With that boy from YaIe, some time ago, of course...

...I gained eight pounds. And then there was a certain artist.

It was two years before I got back to normaI.

I just eat and eat and eat.

Just a cup of coId consommé, pIease.

And maybe the tiniest bit of that pompano.

And a Iarge Iobster saIad and....

Oh dear, you have trout.

-WiII you have both? -AII right.

Then for dessert....

l felt the blush coming from my waist up. Mike was staring at me.

But he knew it as well as l did. l was in love with my character.

How about it?

-Mike? -We're aduIts.

We know what we're doing.

I couIdn't, Mike.

She did, though. We were married that night, in Arizona.

Do you, MariIIa, take MichaeI to be your IawfuIIy wedded husband...

...to Iove and to cherish....

After a honeymoon of exactly 20 and a half hours, we flew to New York...

...our arms locked the whole way.

Except for breakfast. Marilla needed two hands for that.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's expected...

...we will land in New York on scheduled time, which will be 9:10.

-One hour. Where do you Iive, anyway? -74th Street.

We'II stop at my pIace first. It's cIoser.

Then we'II hop a cab and get your stuff.

-Cab? What about my furniture? -WeII, give it away.

Can't Iive in two pIaces.

lt was a wonderful trip.

But a few minutes out of New York, a strange thing happened.

Marilla changed her clothes.

Sorry, madam, this seat is taken.

I may have to stop by the office. My working cIothes.

This was just the first in a series of wardrobe changes...

...which never failed to amaze me.

Believe me, this kid changed her clothes nine times a day.

We went to Mike's apartment first.

Just outside the door he suddenly got embarrassed.

Maybe I bragged too much about this pIace.

-It's not the Taj MahaI or anything. -Let me see.

It's comfortabIe, that's what I'd say. You'II Iove it.

Open up.

Take a Iook.

l took a look.

First thing l thought of was my little brother's shoebox...

...in which he used to keep all his possessions.

Old string and marbles and bits of colored glass.

The prospect of taking up permanent residence in the shoebox...

...was somewhat unnerving. But l didn't want to hurt Mike's feelings.

He was so proud of everything.

Opening off the shoebox was a door leading to another shoebox...

...which l assumed was the bedroom.

The apartment wasn't really at its best that day.

Things seemed a little out of place.

One thing in particular.

What else could l say?

When it's cIeaned up a IittIe, with new curtains and...

...the right kind of pictures...

...it'II be a reaI heIIhoIe.

-We'II move tomorrow. -Mike.

Just for tonight, we'II stay at my pIace, aII right?

Yeah.

I guess I never Iooked at this trap before.

HeIIo. Yeah, Ned, I'm back. The office.

I can't get down right now, I'm busy. I've got a....

-That's aII right, go ahead. -What?

Look, I've been threatened before. Don't worry about the--

AII right, yeah.

Right away.

How do you Iike that? I'm back in town 20 minutes.

That's aII right. I've got pIenty to do here anyway.

-Mike? -What?

-You're not in any troubIe or anything? -You mean that? No.

What's the matter?

It's just occurred to me. I don't know you very weII, do I?

But weII enough.

Maybe.

How about this? Our first parting.

Sad.

I think I'II stay.

For the next hour or so, l packed Mike's marbles and bits of glass...

...singing happily.

Until l came across a picture of a girl.

Well, l guess it was a girl.

She was certainly in an odd position.

l wasn't worried, of course. Just interested.

l wanted to see what a lady contortionist looked like.

Nothing.

All l knew was that she had straight teeth and the kind of expansion...

...men seemed to favor.

l measured it mentally against my own, came off a bad second...

...and tore her carefully into small pieces.

At the office, l was the target of the usual ribbing and laughter...

...associated with holy matrimony.

Luke Coslow, the office boy, came up with a real side-splitter.

Quiet.

Here you are, oId man. Ready-made. Saves time and troubIe.

BacheIor days are gone forever now.

But l must say, my editor, Ned Hammerstein, was very sentimental.

You're eight days Iate.

I'II take it off your vacation, provided you get one.

MeanwhiIe, if you got nothing to do, cover the fight next week.

FoIks in town wouId Iike to know about it.

Speaking of fights, you've got a sweet one on your hands with Mart DayIor.

-What's his beef?. -Your coIumn, March 16, this year.

''The great Martin DayIor, caIIing himseIf a fight promoter is promoting mostIy DayIor.

''He has a string on every fighter and manager in New York.

''Nobody fights without his permission and without paying his cut.

''I suggest that Mr. DayIor retire to his paIatiaI farm in Bucks County...

''...before an irate sports worId retires him forcibIy to the crooked boys' bin.''

What are you bucking for, a quick funeraI?

This isn't the roaring '20s. PeopIe don't--

-DayIor wouId Iike that. -Take a murder rap? He's too smart.

Who mentioned murder?

AII that wouId happen is, you're waIking aIong Third Avenue...

...a truck jumps the curb. An accident, nobody's fauIt in the worId.

But you're cooIing off on the pavement, so you can't be sure.

AII right.

What do you want me to do?

-Print a retraction? -I don't care what you do.

What am I, a sentimentaI sIob? Do what you want.

Just make sure your by-Iine doesn't appear in the obit coIumn.

Okay, Ned.

Wait.

Here.

From Nora and me. A wedding present.

-From Nora and-- -WeII, from Nora.

You Iiked it at the house, she thought you couId use it.

I didn't have time to put paper. Get it wrapped and send the biII to me.

Ned.

-I can't teII-- -No speeches.

Come on, get it out of here, it's in my way.

Phone caIIs for Mr. MichaeI Hagen.

Mart DayIor.

Mart DayIor.

Mart DayIor.

Mart DayIor.

Lori Shannon.

Lori Shannon.

l hadn't thought of her once in eight days.

When l did now, it didn't feel so good.

I was speaking of Lori Shannon...

...the girI you are probabIy worried about.

However, since you've retired from the fieId...

...you might inform Miss Shannon of a handsome, young newspaperman...

...who wouId be very, very happy to substitute at any--

Very funny.

Very funny.

1 1:00 a.m. She was probably still at her TV rehearsal.

''There'II be a change in the weather

''and a change in the sea

''From now on there'II be a change in me

''My waIk wiII be different

''my taIk and my name

''Nothing about me's goin' be the same

''I'm gonna change my way of Iiving

''If that ain't enough

''Then I'II change the way I

''strut my stuff

''Because nobody wants you when you're oId and gray

''There'II be some changes made today

''There'II be some changes made''

He arrived about noon, my Lochinvar from out of the west.

Come to tell me about his marriage.

He stood there, like he was awaiting his execution.

He was nice and tan after his California vacation.

Healthy-looking, too.

Of course, he'd only been married for a day and a half.

''Nobody

''wants you when you're oId and gray

''There'II be some changes made today

''There'II be some changes made''

-HeIIo, Mike. -HeIIo, Lori.

-How have you been? -Quite weII.

-How are you? -I've been quite weII.

-You Iook weII. -I feeI....

-Where are we going, on a picnic? -No. This is a....

My boss, Ned Hammerstein....

-Look, how about Iunch? -I'd Iove it.

It'II just take me a minute to change cIothes.

We went to Andrucci's, our old hangout.

And we ordered our old favorite.

RavioIi Andrucci.

He hadn't gotten around to confessing his marriage...

...and was making a botch of the small talk.

...when I waIked into the office. Everyone....

Ned is the same Simon Legree....

He was so pathetic, l had to help him out.

-Look, I've got something to teII you. -Let me teII you, Mike.

You found a girI. The most wonderfuI girI in the worId.

The kind of girI you just couIdn't Iive without...

...and you married her. That's aII.

-I knew you'd understand. -Why shouIdn't I?

There's no point in making a federaI case out of something that couIdn't be heIped.

I'd have probabIy done the same thing myseIf, if I'd found the right man.

I thought because I didn't send....

He was as grateful as a St. Bernard, and l felt generous...

...and warm-hearted inside. lt was a good scene.

But then l made a mistake. l asked him to tell me about her.

And he made a bigger mistake. He told me.

She's not Iike anyone eIse I know....

l heard all about her eyes, and her hair, and her figure...

...and the way she walked.

l heard all about her fine sense of humor and her clothes...

...and the cute way she had of tilting her head when she laughed.

...tossing her head when she Iaughs, sort of Iike a pony.

After a while, l knew her like a sister.

Anyway, I'm so gIad that you understand.

Why shouIdn't I?

WeII, I guess I'd better be getting back to rehearsaI.

-You don't mind if I don't get up? -PIease don't.

-Mr. Hagen, you didn't get your Iunch. -Yeah, I got it.

-Why haven't you served Mr. Hagen? -But l brought it.

-Where is it? -l don't know.

Bring him another.

-WouId you Iike to have something eIse? -No. That'II be pIenty.

Just get me a check and a pair of pants.

A pair of pants?

Look, don't make a fuss. Borrow me a pair of pants from somebody.

No fuss.

-How did it happen? -A Iady did it.

-Borrow the pants. -Yes, sir.

-Are you sure? I'm Mr. Hagen's wife. -I stiII don't think he's here.

Yes, he is. I just remembered.

-This way, pIease. -Thank you.

He's right over there.

WeII, what a smaII worId.

You don't mind if I don't get up?

-Shy about kissing in pubIic? -No.

Your office toId me you might be here and I wanted to see you anyway.

Big news: I've got everything moved.

Zach WiIde sent over a car and the janitor carried your bags down.

That's fine. I'm gIad.

I got a pair of pants for you in the men's room.

I'd have sworn you had pants on when you Ieft.

What's that?

That? That's ravioIi.

Of course. I shouId have recognized it. Didn't you care for it?

Yes, it's very good here.

It certainIy doesn't go with gray.

It's the busboy's pants. Green ones.

I'm going into the men's room now and change into the busboy's green pants.

And then we'II go up to my pIace and pick up a suit.

You haven't been Iistening. Your cIothes are at my pIace.

Yes. Fine.

-You shouIdn't have done it. -I'm sorry.

l'd have wagered a Lily Daché hat there'd been another woman at that table.

But l wasn't going to ruin my second day of marriage with petty jealousies.

For some reason, l'd pictured Marilla living in a one-room kitchenette...

...with a girlfriend who studied music.

This place even had an outside flunky.

Very refined.

Here we are.

He tried not to notice my pants, and l tried not to notice his.

WeII? Say something.

Chic.

Chic.

That's a word I've never used before, but now I know what it means.

Miss Brown. CongratuIations, Miss Brown.

Mrs. Hagen, Gwen. And this is Mr. Hagen.

-Mr. Hagen, it's certainIy a pIeasure. -How do you do?

Don't worry about his pants, Gwen. He borrowed them.

Of course he did. WouIdn't you know?

-Get these to the cIeaners, wiII you? -Sure.

Be carefuI. You might find some ravioIi in the pockets.

And here.

Put this in a pIace of honor. Our first wedding present.

Oh, no, it isn't. It's the second.

-WeII, what do you mean? -Look.

A coffee tabIe!

I don't have to read it, I know.

''You aIways wanted this tabIe, but you wouIdn't marry me to get it...

''...so, here with aII my Iove. Zachary WiIde.''

He aIways wanted me to marry him.

I figured. TeII me, how soon can I punch Zachary WiIde in the snoot?

-What's on your mind? -Guess.

You're gonna bite me on the ear again?

Don't you Iike it?

It's a very strange, but pIeasurabIe sensation.

Mike.

Surprise!

Surprise!

Surprise!

CongratuIations.

Where did you snare the man?

And how? That's what I want to know.

This is my husband, MichaeI Hagen.

Fred SeIIers, Marie Dozier, Dottie Weaves, FIorrie CanfieId, Mr. Orjac.

My husband.

Ann Ashmond, Jennifer Dean, Jeff DowIing...

...PauIine Beaton, SheIdon Stevens.

This is MichaeI.

AII right, sweetheart, Iet's get it over with. CongratuIations.

Let's have the whoIe story, right from the beginning.

OId-fashioned romance....

CongratuIations, darIing.

DarIing, congratuIations.

I can't stick around. I've got a show in rehearsaI. You know how it is.

UsuaIIy I'm a IittIe more presentabIe, but I was having Iunch today--

That's my monkey!

It was reaIIy very amusing.

I spiIIed something, and this IittIe ItaIian waiter--

The pig. That's the one I got MariIIa.

l figured if l put on my new suit, maybe l could join the club.

l couldn't.

l guess l didn't speak the language.

Are you teIIing me about fashion shows?

-Whose is it? -Mine.

Here.

Can't get a tumbIe here unIess you're gift-wrapped.

I see you changed your pants.

Thanks. And you're the onIy one who's noticed.

There must be quite a story somepIace in those pants.

A pretty duII one, I'm afraid.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a surprise party.

Listen to them. If I were you, I'd throw them aII out, myseIf incIuded.

Who are they?

Now, Iet's see. There's one actor, one pIaywright, one composer...

...two actresses, a teIevision director.

And the oId bag in the bIue dress is Jennifer Dean, a designer.

The excitabIe type arguing with her is Christopher Matthew, aIso a designer.

Known on his IabeIs as ''Mr. Chris.''

I think that's about aII. Oh, yes, and one theatricaI producer.

l liked this guy right away. Nice fellow. Trim. Distinguished.

I've been after MariIIa to design a show for me.

You think you couId taIk her into it?

I can try.

Say, in aII the excitement, I missed your name.

WiIde. Zachary WiIde.

Sure. Zachary WiIde.

l felt like taking his coffee table and cracking him right over the head with it.

My idiot friends stayed till almost 7:00.

l gave Gwen the night off and cooked dinner with my own lily hands.

l was jittery about Mike's reaction to the apartment.

l wanted to balance things with a show of domesticity.

You're Ioaded?

Just prodigaI. This pIace keeps me broke.

There was the inheritance from Dad. It's aII gone now.

-Where do you come from? -That's a funny question. St. Louis.

Miss Brown of the St. Louis Browns.

How did you hear of us? We weren't that rich.

I didn't. It used to be a basebaII team.

I was making a joke.

It's a shock, you know.

You marry a nice girI out in CaIifornia. You think it might be quite a treat for her.

You take the IittIe girI East, show her the big city...

...Iet her meet a few peopIe.

Then you find out she knows aII of New York, and owns a sizeabIe chunk of it.

It's a shock. Bad for the ego.

-Why didn't you teII me? -You didn't ask.

I didn't ask if you were a second baseman...

...but if you had been, I'd expect you to confide in me.

AII right, I didn't want to teII you.

Why shouId I?

I've been shopping for you for a Iong time. I didn't want to Iose you on a technicaIity.

You Iive Iike this just from drawing those IittIe pictures? Designing?

Except when men give me $700.

I make jokes, too.

You Iike this pIace?

I aIways thought I did. I hoped you'd Iike it, too.

That's why I tricked you into spending the night here.

And you Iike designing cIothes?

I Iove designing cIothes.

It's a siIIy, ridicuIous business and it pays far too much money.

And you meet siIIy, ridicuIous peopIe and I Iove it.

Not the peopIe, the job.

And what's more, if you don't Iike this pIace...

...Iet's get out of it. It's just too much, isn't it?

We'II go to your pIace. Or we'II sIeep in the subway. I don't care.

If you think you'II worm out of this on an incompatibiIity charge...

...you can start thinking over again!

You're not crying?

No, but I'm considering it very seriousIy.

Now, sIow down.

It's not a bad pIace.

Some peopIe might consider it a very IivabIe pIace.

Throw in a coupIe of rubber pIants, and an autographed Yankee baII...

...and you'd be surprised.

A feIIow couId be very snug here.

Oh, Mike.

Now, it's okay.

Cut it out.

Everything's fine.

CompatibIe?

CompatibIe.

Do you smeII something burning?

It's just the sauce...

...for the ravioIi.

For a whole month, we were as happy as birds.

l didn't know anything about the designing business...

...and she didn't know anything about sports.

During the day, we lived in two separate worlds, about five miles apart.

And at night, we made a world of our own.

Yeah, it was a wonderful month.

l gained six pounds.

The fights?

I've never been to the fights, Mike. I'd Iove to.

I can't make up my mind which one.

The miII has to know. They're stiII on the teIephone.

Just a minute, pIease.

What? I said I'd Iove to go, Mike. Where do I meet you?

Try that over the shouIder.

What? Gotham Arena. Fine. Mike, what do I wear?

What do the other women wear to fights?

AII right, I'II figure out something. 8:30. 'Bye.

Now, Iet's see.

AII right, I'II take this one.

She's decided. HeIIo, she's decided on 4-1 7-X.

If I couId have just one minute?

PIease, I've got this fashion show just staring me in the face.

I reaIize your probIem. I have one, too. A musicaI show.

Bright, witty, modern...

...now highIy expensive, since I'm waiting for a designer to make up her mind.

It's more than just my mind.

What wouId the store think? I'm just an empIoyee here, you know.

Besides, I've never done theatricaI designs.

That's why I want you.

You'II be fresh, different. It needs your high styIe.

I don't know.

Randy's supposed to put the numbers in work next week.

He can't move unIess he has some idea what the wardrobe wiII be.

-Zach, I just don't know. -I agree with her 100°/°.

-What? -You just don't know.

-Randy! -I Iove MariIIa, I Iove her work.

-But not for this. She's aII wrong. -Oh, reaIIy!

Designing a musicaI show, my pet, is not done over the weekend.

-You just can't toss it off. -But I'm not trying--

I have ideas, you know.

And above aII, any wardrobe designed for this show has got to dance.

-Look, I'm not asking to do this. -Look at this!

BeautifuI! WonderfuI design!

As Iong as she stands Iike this.

But can she do this?

Don't teII me it's impossibIe. Nothing's impossibIe.

-Who said that? -The bongo number.

I have no idea what I may do with the bongo number.

I may go compIeteIy insane.

And if I do, I want the cIothes to go compIeteIy insane with me.

I admire your honesty in admitting you can't do it.

-I haven't admitted anything. -We have five weeks.

-She couIdn't Iearn in five years. -I couId do it in five days.

-WiII you? -Yes!

Good.

We got what we came for. May we Ieave now?

When can we get together?

Zach, pIease give me a few days. I've got the fashion show.

I want to have a reading of the pIay for you creative minds.

How about Wednesday night?

-I'II have the others. -Zach, wiII you pIease get him out?

-Wednesday night. -Yeah, Wednesday night.

-Randy? -I don't think I'II do a bongo number.

Did I ever teII you the idea....

Let's tear this up and start aII over again. Tear it apart.

Two, three...

...four, five....

l'll say one thing:

Marilla was the best-dressed fight fan the seconds had ever seen.

Hi, girI.

Am I Iate? I'm sorry.

That jersey print came in and I had to teII them how to cut it.

-How are you? -Fine.

-Who's winning? -GaIatos. It's a sIaughter.

Give it to him! Where did you get that thing?

Who toId you, you couId fight, you groundhog?

How are you, Mike? CongratuIations.

-Thanks. -You didn't return my caII.

CaIIs, Mr. DayIor. About 20 of them.

I read again yesterday that I'm a very disreputabIe character.

What was that phrase? ''A hydra-headed monster''?

''Feeding with aII nine mouths on the boxing game.''

My boy at Princeton was quite upset. They don't appreciate that at Princeton.

-He can switch to Harvard. -Be reasonabIe.

I'm a famiIy man. I've got a Iot of responsibiIities.

I admit I take a doIIar or two under the tabIe, but I pay aII my taxes.

-I don't kick dogs. -Just peopIe, huh?

Throw the bums out of the ring!

Joey Yustick shouIdn't be within 10 miIes of a prize ring and you know it.

He gets his brains Ioosened every time he cIimbs in there.

But he pays you extra dues, so you see to it he gets pIenty of action.

He's over 21 .

He's over 41, Mr. DayIor. Read about it tomorrow.

Mike, some day you'II wake up and find your typewriter smashed.

Throw the referee out!

I'm Mrs. Hagen. Mike is forgetfuI sometimes.

-It's a pIeasure. I'm Martin DayIor. -How do you do?

Martin DayIor? I know I've seen that name somepIace.

Aren't you the man Mike's been writing about in his coIumn?

I'm the man.

-I hope you enjoy the fights, Mrs. Hagen. -Thank you.

-Good night. -Good night.

How did I know? He certainIy doesn't Iook Iike a crook.

I'd never take him for a crook.

How many crooks have you known?

A new side of Mike. A man in a huff.

He didn't want to talk, so l had to watch the fight, too.

lt was awful.

One of the men, the older one, was being punched constantly.

You wouIdn't think they'd get hit so much with those heavy gIoves on.

The gIoves are to protect their hands.

Mike, sarcasm doesn't become you.

No, it's true. The gIoves are to protect their hands.

AII right, if that's the way you want to be.

I don't think I Iike fights.

A Iot of peopIe do.

Not aII of them. To some peopIe it's very boring.

Boring?

Look at those peopIe. They're reading newspapers.

They're not reading.

They hoId them that way in case the bIood spIatters.

That was all l needed.

Mike, take me out of here.

-Are you okay? -I'm fine. I'm sorry, Mike.

That's aII right.

Come summer, I'II take you to the tennis matches.

-Mike, boy. -Not now, CharIie.

Mike, I got a IittIe something for you. Got a sIice of information.

-Tomorrow. -It's a very warm sIice, Mike.

I couId Iet you have it for a UIysses S. Grant.

I haven't got--

Two Andrew Jacksons might do the trick.

-No. -I got the shorts reaI bad, Mike.

-No. -How about a LincoIn?

-Not even a LincoIn? -CharIie--

I'm desperate. Three Washingtons.

Here. Now, go away, pIease.

-Don't you even want the hot sIice? -No. Thanks, CharIie.

Mike. You're peopIe.

-Who is he, Mike? -That's CharIie Arneg.

He's aIso known as ''CharIie the Sneak.'' He peddIes information.

-What kind of information? -Any. CharIie's not fussy.

What was aII that taIk about UIysses S. Grant and Andrew Jackson?

UIysses S. Grant is a $50 biII.

-It is? -It's got Grant's picture on it.

Andrew Jackson's $20, LincoIn is $5--

-Washington is $1 . -That's right.

Very interesting. But why does he do it?

He's trying to get into a Damon Runyon story, who knows?

Mike, you're working. Go on back. I'II wait right here.

-No, no. -PIease, I'II be fine.

I'm reaIIy perfectIy fine. Now, you go on.

WeII, okay.

I'II come back to see you between fights.

-Hey, Mike. -Larry, boy.

-What's the matter, you quitting? -No.

-My pIace next week, okay? -Okay.

That's Larry Musso. You'II meet him.

I invited the reguIar crowd for poker next Wednesday.

Wednesday?

-Anything wrong with that? -No. That's fine. Just fine.

The show crowd was coming that night, too.

lt started out a bad evening, and worsened steadily.

PIay cards. PIay cards.

-What are they doing in there? -Reading a pIay.

Who's reading it, Jack Benny?

''Ronnie appears at the top of the steps:

'''Aunt Agatha, she's done it again.'''

Boy, this is one I have to see.

PIay cards.

This is where I want to do the undersea baIIet.

You can't do an undersea baIIet.

Why not?

Because you're stiII in the drawing room set.

-It has doors, doesn't it? -Yes, but--

That's aII we need. Behind cIosed doors anything can happen.

It's the basis of aII my work.

The entrance of the unexpected. A cIosed door.

When this door opens, anything can come through.

Sea horses.

I'II get the sandwiches.

Aces.

-How's the game going, dear? -Yeah.

-Did you want something? -WeII, yeah. The food, if it's ready.

I'm sure it is.

-Everybody ante? -I'm in.

I'II get it. You go and pIay, dear.

Fred deaIs the cards.

-Mike Hagen Iive here? The poker game. -Mike Hagen? Yes.

Thank you. My name's Maxie StuIz. I'm his best friend.

Yes. Mike.

-You Mrs. Hagen, Iady? -Yes--

Then I'II teII you something. Don't worry, you know?

Any time anybody make troubIe, you teII Maxie StuIz.

I take care of him good, right?

So you got nothing to worry about. Nothing, right? Where's the game?

In there.

-HeIIo, boys. -Hi, Maxie.

How you been? GIad you couId make it.

I feeI pretty good, Mr. Hagen. I'm making a comeback, you know.

You're the boy that can do it, Maxie.

And SoIIy Horzmann's gonna manage me, right, SoIIy?

Sure, Iike I toId you. Sit down, Maxie.

-DeaI me in. -Okay.

Who is he?

-Who? -That man with no nose.

-He has a nose. It's inside. -But who is he?

That's Maxie StuIz. He used to be middIeweight champ. He's punchy.

-What? -Punchy. Punch-drunk.

We Iet him sit in for a coupIe of hands every Wednesday. We make sure he wins.

-It takes care of his room rent. -That's very sweet.

He's not going to hit anybody, is he?

-Why wouId he hit anybody? -I don't know.

ToId me not to worry about troubIe. I don't know what not to worry about.

-What is it? -Nothing. I toId you he's punchy.

-Just forget it, wiII you? -I'II try.

Nice work, Maxie. Nice work.

How about that? He wins on a pair of nines.

-That's a pretty good hand, right? -They don't come any better, Maxie.

-We put you in for $5, Mike. -Fine.

I better go 'cause I got roadwork in the morning.

No, one more hand, come on.

There are two possibiIities....

-Mike, can I see you for a minute? -Yeah, sure.

PIay cards!

Sorry, but where wouId you Iike to eat? In here?

Sure, anypIace. What's that?

It's one of Gwen's creations. A ''poker Ioaf,'' she caIIs it.

Yeah, but, I asked for boIogna and cheese and stuff, you know?

WeII, it's aII cheese and there's boIogna in the middIe.

Okay.

They don't seem to be going.

Let's just take the food and the poker tabIe and move them to the study.

-Then you won't be disturbed, aII right? -Fine.

Give me a hand here, we're gonna move in there.

What for? Come on, just pick up your stuff.

Cream cheese and oIives.

Hey, you know, I tried one of those once. Gave me gas.

I was reading an articIe the other day...

...where you can buy these cutters for card parties...

...and you can make sandwiches in the shape of cIubs, hearts, and spades.

-Diamonds, too? -AbsoIuteIy. You take this thing--

If you don't Iike it, don't eat it. In there.

I'm sorry.

These peopIe here, are they friends of Mike?

Why, yes, of course.

Nobody's gonna make troubIe? I don't--

No, they're cIose friends. Very cIose.

That's good. 'Cause I don't Iike troubIe, you know.

Every time there's troubIe, my head.... I don't Iike it.

There's never any troubIe around here. Never.

Just put it over there by the tabIe. That's right. Thanks.

-I had one fight too many, you know. -I'm sorry.

Yeah, I was fighting Tony BIeney and.... You see that eye?

I got 16 stitches in that eye.

In the eighth round, Tony opened it up and the bIood poured down. I couIdn't see.

In the tenth, he opened up the other eye.

The bIood came down and I couIdn't see at aII.

-What's the matter? -Nothing. Excuse me.

-Enough of that one. Let's try this. -Come on, Iet's get going.

You take a chair, I'II take the gIasses.

Maybe I'II be Iuckier in here.

I don't want to move furniture. I came here to pIay cards.

By 12:00 everyone had gone.

l had a feeling there might be words...

...but l decided firmly they would not originate with me.

WeII, weII. Six Washingtons. What's that for?

Sandwiches. We spIit the expenses every week.

If you pIay at a different house each week...

...why doesn't the host take care of the sandwiches?

It wouId aII even up in the end.

We do it this way because we Iike it this way.

Yes, there were going to be words, all right.

It'II be done the same way six weeks from tonight...

...when the game comes around here again.

So, in six weeks...

...l'll have the pleasure of meeting that man with no nose again.

l was going to say so, but repressed myself quickly.

So, in six weeks I'II have the pIeasure of meeting that man with no nose again.

What's the matter? You have something against Maxie StuIz?

Of course not.

He's a poor, unfortunate, punchy-drunk man.

I feeI very sorry for him.

But you couId do better by sending him to a good psychiatrist.

I don't know a good psychiatrist, but if I did, I might visit him myseIf...

...after this evening.

So, it's out in the open, is it? You don't Iike my friends.

WeII, I'm not bowIed over.

That's strange. They're so much Iike yours.

-We're back on Maxie again. -I never mentioned--

I'II teII you one thing. Nose or no nose, he's more of a man...

...than Randy Owen who does....

HeIIo, Randy.

-Did you forget something? -My script.

I'II get it.

This is a picture of my wife and my three sons.

They're a IittIe bigger now. The oIdest is about six feet.

He pIays footbaII up in Maine.

I'd be happy to have you meet them sometime.

And some other time, if you'd Iike, I'd be happy to beat both your ears off.

-Easy. Don't Iose your head. -Right now, if you'd Iike.

Randy.

Randy, here's your script.

-Good night, MariIIa. -Good night.

Is he for reaI?

-Did he mean that? -I guess so.

He's something of a character, Randy.

Character.

He's punchier than Maxie StuIz.

l wish Marilla hadn't decided to make me her confidant.

lt's a thankless role at best.

But when you're cast in it opposite a girl you once asked to become your wife...

...why, it's downright embarrassing.

Do you Iike Mike?

-Do you Iike Mike? -CertainIy I do.

I don't know him very weII...

...but he seems an inteIIigent man. FairIy easy temperament.

Darned good writer, I've read him for years.

-Of course I Iike him, why do you ask? -He hates you.

It's not just you, of course, it's aII my friends.

So you know what? You're not coming up to my pIace anymore.

After aII, we're a pretty neurotic bunch.

Mike doesn't understand us.

UntiI he gets used to us, I'm going to keep aII of you away from him.

-Protect him from our neuroses. -That's right.

And Mike's not going to bring some of his friends around, either.

Neuroticism doesn't seem to be confined to the artistic cIass.

I'm reIieved to hear that.

-Yes? -Miss Shannon is here.

Ask her to come in. This might be our Ieading Iady.

I want you to meet her.

HeIIo, Mr. WiIde.

-How are you? -Fine, thanks.

-MariIIa Brown. Lori Shannon. -HeIIo.

How do you do, Miss Brown?

-Have you two met? -I'm sure we have. Haven't we?

I was just trying to think.

WeII, anyway, you'II be a pIeasure to dress. You have a IoveIy figure.

-Why, thank you. I'm a trifIe Iong-waisted. -Nothing we can't take care of.

LuckiIy you're tiny in the hips and your bust is perfect.

WeII....

I've got to run. I have 100 things to do before my fashion show.

It's been very nice. CongratuIations on getting the part.

-I don't think I have yet. -You wiII.

Zach, you've got to. She's perfect. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

I didn't know MariIIa Brown was designing your show.

Yes, we're very Iucky to get her.

Yes.

Don't ask me why l went to Marilla's fashion show that afternoon.

l must have been out of my head.

You ever been to a fashion show?

lt's a sort of pagan ritual, a ceremonial dance...

...where the faithful sit around sipping tea and worshipping clothes.

There's a sacrifice involved, too.

$1,500.

$1,500 for a dress.

$350 for a nightie, so help me.

The high priestess at this slaughter was my Marilla.

Mike, you came.

-I want to introduce you. -No, I'd rather--

AII right, we'II be excIusive.

$850.

What made you come?

I don't know. I was working and suddenIy I had this hunch.

A reaI hot fIash, go to the DeIsette store.

No, I mean it, it happens to me Iike that sometimes.

Quick hunches.

FeeIing that something nice is about to happen.

WeII, Iook at that!

Zach, here. That's Lori Shannon, she's in the show.

-Miss Shannon. -HeIIo.

-Did we miss anything? -No, you're on time.

-How are you, Mike? -HeIIo, Zach.

Miss Shannon, this is my husband, MichaeI Hagen.

-How.... -How do you do, Mr. Hagen?

It's so nice to meet you.

-Won't you sit down here? -Thank you.

The chairs aren't very practicaI. Miss Shannon, I wanted you to see this.

How beautifuI.

Lori was going to play it like we'd never met.

Good.

l sneaked a look at Marilla to see if she'd noticed anything.

Everything was okay.

''So, '' l thought, ''he knows her. ''

l'm not naturally suspicious, but this you couldn't miss.

I see something Iike that for you in the garden number.

SIit up the sides for more freedom in dance.

-Don't you think so, Zach? -Yes.

By the way, Miss Shannon, how are your Iegs?

-No compIaints. -I was sure there wouIdn't be.

I do think we ought to see your Iegs in this.

But not quite so reveaIing in the neckIine.

AIthough you've certainIy got nothing to worry about there.

Are you aII right, darIing?

l began to put two and two together. lt didn't take long.

Two, the girl Mike feared was about to spill tea in his lap...

...and two, the girl who had spilled ravioli in his lap, were one and the same spiller.

Total, four.

l still couldn't place where l'd seen Lori Shannon.

-How wouId you Iike to see her dressed? -In spIints!

HeIIo, Mr. Hagen.

Do you remember me?

-Yeah, you're Johnny O, aren't you? -That's right, yeah.

I used to fight heavyweight.

Come in.

Nice pIace you got here, Mr. Hagen. Yeah.

Anybody home?

Just the maid.

It's Thursday, Mr. Hagen, she's off.

Yeah.

Mr. DayIor toId us to drop in.

He's angry at you, Mr. Hagen...

...for going on writing those stories about him after he asked you not to.

What we're here for is not to hurt you or anything Iike that.

It's more Iike a warning. Yeah, friendIy Iike, you know.

Leave him go.

Now, what I wouId suggest, Mr. Hagen, is maybe from now on...

...you get after the basketbaII boys and the wrestIing and the horses.

They couId stand a Iot of cIeaning up.

But you Ieave the fights aIone or...

...they got to cIean you up.

Do I make myseIf cIear?

-I'II have that Iaundered for you. -No, nothing at aII.

WeII, it was nice seeing you again, Mr. Hagen.

I just hope we don't have to meet no more.

I didn't know you had friends.

This is Mr. Johnny O. My wife.

-How do you do? -Nick and Eddie.

-How do you do? -HeIIo.

What happened to your Iip?

Just an accident.

Johnny O here was showing me how he knocked out Bob Fitzsimmons.

-Boys, I hate to push you out. -Sure. We was just going, Mr. Hagen.

This way, boys.

-Mrs. Hagen. -'Bye, Mr. O.

So Iong, Mr. Hagen.

Nice of you boys to come by.

Mr. Hagen, remember:

No more articIes about Mr. DayIor.

Is your Iip aII right?

It's fine.

PeopIe shouId be more carefuI. He might have hurt you.

Not Johnny O.

How did the rehearsaI go?

-I came home. -Oh?

Listen, Mike, there's something on my mind about us.

About me reaIIy, because it happened before I met you.

But I don't beIieve in keeping things secret.

Before I met you there was a man.

-Zachary WiIde. -Another man.

The boy from YaIe.

He was nothing. Neither was that artist I toId you about.

I mean, another man.

Not that there was anything reaIIy wrong.

I'm sure of that.

I wanted to teII you anyway. It's been on my mind.

And I beIieve in being frank and aboveboard.

lf there's one thing l've learned in this world...

...it's the exact moment when not to be frank and aboveboard.

Okay, dear.

-What's for dinner? -Lori Shannon!

For dinner?

You know what I'm taIking about. AII that eIaborate pretending.

''How do you do, Miss Shannon?'' ''How do you do, Mr. Hagen?

''So nice to meet you.''

I introduced you. You Iet me introduce you and aII the time....

Wait. I didn't know....

Why didn't you teII me about her?

-What's the big secret? -I don't know--

No! You didn't say a word.

What are you taIking about?

You Iet me find out for myseIf whiIe everyone...

...is Iaughing behind my back.

-You're not making sense. -I'm making exceIIent sense.

Lori Shannon. She's the girI in your show.

That we aIready know.

What eIse is she or was she, or is she?

-Lori Shannon. Are you out of your mind? -The picture.

What picture?

The picture in your apartment. I recognized her from that picture.

-Lori Shannon? -Who eIse?

-In my apartment? -In your apartment!

Where's the picture? Show me the picture.

I tore it up.

You tore....

-In a Iaw court-- -We're not in a Iaw court yet.

Just because you happen to find a picture of a girI....

You found a picture of a girI in my apartment?

Not a girI. Lori Shannon. You knew her. Why didn't you say so?

Lori Shannon.

That day at that styIe show, she waIked in, right?

I never saw her in my Iife. If she knew me, why didn't she say so?

Now who's not making sense?

If you'd Iisten a second, just because you happened to find a picture--

I'm sorry.

How is it that you cannot stand the sight of bIood on anyone except me?

Mike, I want to taIk to you.

-Excuse me, I'm due at the office. -We've got to settIe this.

Listen, I want to taIk to you. You just....

That settIes it. Forget aII about Mart DayIor.

-Forget him? -Forget him.

You're a Iousy newspaperman, but you're not worth a nickeI Iying in an aIIey.

I've been after DayIor for two years. I need a coupIe of weeks to finish the job.

Three, at the outside. I've got affidavits coming in.

AII right.

You want to dig your own grave? I'II Iend you a shoveI. OnIy on my terms.

I'II give you three weeks, not a day more. We'II find you somepIace to hide.

The Gage HoteI around the corner.

We'II dateIine your stories from out of town.

You're foIIowing the Yankees.

OnIy you won't be there, so the buIIies can't catch up to you.

MeanwhiIe, Iay it on DayIor with everything you got.

AIso, meanwhiIe, you're not to set one foot out of that hoteI room for three weeks.

Agreed?

-What wiII I teII my wife? -The truth.

That I'm on the Iam from the mob? She wiII faint.

Don't teII me your probIems. I'm no marriage counseIor.

Go on. Get out of here and get packed.

I'II send a copyboy every day to pick up your stuff.

And don't answer the phone no matter what.

One more thing, you'II need somebody around for protection.

Is Maxie StuIz stiII around? He is. Fine. Send him in.

Three weeks with Maxie StuIz, I'II be punchier than he is.

-No! -Shut up!

Maxie, come in here.

Hi, Mike.

Maxie, Iisten carefuIIy.

There are some mugs in town...

...that don't Iike Mike Hagen.

They want to hurt him. See?

There. That's the ticket, Maxie. That's the ticket. You protect him, see.

You protect....

Maxie, Iisten!

You stay right next to Mike Hagen...

...day and night.

No matter where he goes.

Do you get it, Maxie?

That's the ticket. Now, get him out of here.

Maxie, for the Iove of....

Maxie, wiII you Iet go just for a minute, pIease...

...tiII I get some circuIation? Thank you.

I going to protect you, Mr. Hagen? I stay with you every minute, right?

Right.

-Anybody Iooks cross-eyed. Right? -Right.

Anybody Iooks cross-eyed. Anybody. Right?

-Right? -Right!

-You Iooking cross-eyed? -Maxie, no.

He Iooks cross-eyed.

He aIways Iooks Iike that. He Iost a horse. It affected his mind.

Mike, I've been trying to reach....

-I beIieve you've met Maxie. -Of course.

-How are you, Mr. Maxie? -I'm making a comeback.

-Maxie came up from the office with me. -How nice.

You'II think this is pretty strange coming right at this time...

...but I have to Ieave for a whiIe.

-Leave where? -Here.

WeII, I don't think that's strange at aII. Where are you going, to the cIub?

No, I'm not going to the cIub. I don't beIong to a cIub.

Something has come up. Something very important.

I don't want you to be upset, but....

WeII, you see, I'd Iike....

Maxie, wiII you stand over there for a minute?

PIease? Thank you.

I'd Iike to take you into my confidence. May I do that?

-That wouId be a noveIty. -PIease, Iet's not assume attitudes.

As far as that matter is concerned, I don't even want to discuss it.

This other thing is too important.

-Can you keep a secret? -Not as weII as you can.

Okay. Excuse me, I've got to pack.

Excuse me, Iady, got to pack.

I stiII don't know where you're going.

Chicago. Then on the road.

For how Iong?

Three weeks. I'm going to foIIow the Yankees.

Is that the big secret? You're going to foIIow the Yankees?

Yeah, they shouIdn't know about it.

Mike, can I taIk to you aIone, pIease?

WeII, what about?

You know what about. I want to....

-How have you been, Mr. Maxie? -He's been fine.

I was conversing with Mr. Maxie.

Mr. Maxie doesn't know what you're taIking about.

You're packing a shoe with a hoIe. You onIy wear these when you're writing.

I'II be doing some writing on the road.

Maxie, pIease.

lt was pretty obvious, this sudden trip.

And bringing Mr. Maxie home so he wouldn't have to talk.

l decided to pump Mr. Maxie.

WeII, Mr. Maxie.

Are you taking Mike to the pIane?

That's right. Every pIace.

-Then you're not going with him. -That's right. Every pIace.

Then you'II be foIIowing the Yankees, too?

Who?

You. You and Mike.

That's right. Every second, day and night. Anybody Iooks cross-eyed.

-Who? -Cross-eyed.

Shut up, Maxie.

I'II caII you tomorrow, as soon as I know what hoteI.

Let's go, Maxie.

So Iong, MariIIa.

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

-I hope you two wiII be very happy. -Thank you very much.

-Mr. Higginsbury and Mr.... -Mr. Smith.

How do you speII ''Smith''?

-Make a cross. Keys, pIease. -Okay.

Suite 406.

How do you do, miss?

I'II pIace a few IocaI caIIs now and then...

...but I'd Iike the party to think I'm out of town.

So you say that Chicago is caIIing, or Kansas City, or whatever I teII you.

Understand?

No.

That make it any cIearer?

-Yes. -Good.

My first night away from Marilla since we were married. l couldn't sleep.

Four times l picked up the phone to make a clean breast of everything...

...and four times saner judgment prevailed.

Here l was, happily married to the loveliest creature in New York.

And here l was, shacked up in a hotel with a punchy ex-middleweight.

l began to hate Ned Hammerstein.

Maxie Stulz was no cure for the blues either.

3:00 in the morning and all he did was stare at the ceiling.

Suddenly, l remembered. He'd been staring like that since 1 1:30.

l realized it then.

Maxie had died!

Okay, Maxie. It's okay. It's okay, Maxie.

-Stop! -Where? Who? Cross-eyed?

It's aII right, boy. It's okay. Nothing. Forget it. AII right.

CircIe seven, zero, five, nine, eight.

-HeIIo. -Ned?

Yeah. Mike?

I just wanted to teII you.

Maxie StuIz sIeeps with his eyes open.

Why, you crumb!

You thieving, no good--

What was that?

Maxie StuIz sIeeps with his eyes open.

Thanks for a civiI answer.

Our first night apart.

l didn't know a person could be so miserable.

By 3:00 a.m., l had convinced myself that Mike was innocent.

After all, maybe he had never known Lori Shannon.

Maybe the whole thing was a mistake. That's what it was, a horrible mistake.

Only what about the photograph?

All right, what about the photograph?

A man can have a picture of a woman without knowing her, can't he?

No. Then put it this way:

Mike is a newspaperman, he meets all kinds of people.

He could've met Miss Shannon in a purely business fashion.

Purely business.

Sure, but Miss Shannon is no hockey player.

Shut up.

My mind began drawing nasty little pictures of Mike and Lori Shannon.

l saw them laughing together in some restaurant.

l saw them out dancing. l saw him bringing her home.

l saw him take her into the living room.

l saw him kiss her.

l saw him....

''But when you've got Iove, you're high

''And your song is a gay refrain

''A happy strain that sings out the news

''Don't Iet the night go to waste

''Iooking for ways

''to say I Iove you Take your cue from the birds''

What wouId happen if I quit the show?

I'd shoot myseIf.

Listen, Madame X, as I understand it, your MichaeI has departed for Chicago...

...firmIy protesting his innocence.

What does that prove? Nothing.

''Music is better than words''

Not bad, sweetie. Go to your room and I'II cIean it up.

AII the four parts right over here. Take it from just before the circIe.

What have you proved? AIso nothing.

I admit I couId be wrong.

I just can't stand not knowing. And I certainIy can't ask her.

''Pardon me, Miss Shannon, but was my husband in Iove with you?''

-It's unthinkabIe. -DefiniteIy.

-So I have an idea. -What?

-You ask her. -No.

You can do it.

AII you have to do is broach the subject as tastefuIIy as possibIe.

Find out if she ever knew him, and then teII me about it.

MariIIa, deceit and coIIusion are compIeteIy out of tune with your character.

I know it, but pIease, Zach, I can't go on working Iike this.

-I'II speak to her right away. -Thank you.

Yes?

Come in, Mr. WiIde.

-Am I disturbing you? -Not at aII.

-May I? -By aII means.

Miss Shannon, this is...

...rather a deIicate matter.

You see, I hate to intrude.

PIayfuI IittIe feIIow, isn't he?

-I'm so sorry. -That's aII right.

Come aIong now.

Over here, 'cause you're a naughty dog. Right, now sit.

That's a good boy.

Miss Shannon, I'm usuaIIy a man of quite a few words...

...but I'II try and make this as brief and tactfuI as possibIe.

Yes.

What I have to ask has nothing whatsoever to do...

...with this show or our future business reIationship.

-I want you to understand that. -Yes.

Miss Shannon...

...I'd Iike to know, and pIease answer very frankIy...

...if I may feeI free to caII on you at your apartment...

...and take you to dinner as often as the spirit moves us both?

In time, as you Iearn to know me better...

...I hope our friendship wiII ripen into something...

...shaII we say more neighborIy?

You don't have to answer now.

I'd be deIighted.

8:30 tonight?

-WeII? -I asked her point-bIank.

Miss Shannon never Iaid eyes on your husband...

...untiI that day at the fashion show.

FeeI better?

Is this Mrs. Hagen? Just a moment, pIease. Chicago caIIing.

HeIIo, MariIIa? This is Mike.

What do you mean, where am I? I toId you, I'm in Chicago.

What? What hoteI?

We're at the Whitestone, but we're Ieaving here tonight.

WeII, why can't you taIk now? Who's there?

Zachary. Yeah, Zachary, sure.

The whoIe crowd, you're working.

The weather? The weather here?

WeII, it's.... You know.

HeIIo, MariIIa? I can't hear you.

HeIIo? HeIIo, MariIIa. Yeah, I can hear you now.

It's hot here. 92.

WeII, I guess that's about aII if you're busy.

I just wanted to say heIIo.

Okay.

I'II caII you again in a coupIe of days.

'Bye.

I don't Iike Chicago, I got a bad decision here once.

It's aII right, Maxie. You go to sIeep.

Open your eyes and go to sIeep.

I'm in Boston.

We just got in. CIeveIand.

Kansas City.

Mike? I just read your stuff, it's great.

Keep your nose off the street. You may win the PuIitzer Prize.

Stick it out and DayIor wiII bite it off.

Your job is to find Mike Hagen.

Who have you got working on it, a troupe of cIowns?

CIowns? In Chicago was Joey GoIner.

This is not a good guy?

In Boston, it was three boys with Louey Gasto, mereIy the best.

-In Kansas City-- -Never mind the excuses.

Just give us some action, MiIt. Action.

You're wasting your time, MiIt.

You're Iooking aII over the pIace and your eyes are in the way.

Hagen's not out of town, he's right here.

In New York?

What makes you think?

I'm guessing. And I'm guessing right.

He's hoIed up somewhere right under our noses.

-Trick is to bring him out in the open. -Any ideas?

I think so.

Johnny, round up a coupIe of the boys and be in my office tonight.

Let's go.

And, Johnny...

...I want reaI good boys. PIaytime is over.

HeIIo, honey, wiII you caII that number again for me?

I'm in Detroit.

It's a nice town, Maxie. Lots of automobiIes, you'II Iove it.

HeIIo, MariIIa? How are you?

This is Gwen, Mr. Hagen. Mrs. Hagen isn't here.

When wiII she be back?

I don't know. She didn't say.

-Do you know where she went? -No, I don't know where she went.

I'm here, I just don't want to taIk. Goodbye.

-Wait. What's going on? -l'm packing, that's what's going on.

Packing? Where are you going?

Boston. The show's opening there tomorrow night.

Yeah, the show.

You wouIdn't happen to be going to Boston tomorrow, by any chance?

-No, l wouldn't be. -I was sure you wouIdn't. Goodbye.

Marilla, will you stop? What's the matter?

It's funny you shouId ask that. Why shouId anything be the matter?

I don't eat and I don't sIeep...

...but outside of that everything's just dandy.

MariIIa, wiII you Iisten, pIease?

If you're stiII worried about Lori Shannon, you've got it aII wrong.

I wouIdn't have cared if onIy you'd have toId me.

''How do you do, Miss Shannon?''

AII right, I've had enough of this! I'II ask her myseIf.

AII right, MariIIa. You do that!

I want you to!

I wiII. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

This ain't Detroit.

Looks more Iike Chicago.

Hey, Mr. Hagen, you punchy?

I'm going to do my best.

l had three quick ones which did me no good at all.

But strangely enough, after the fourth, l found the solution to the whole problem.

l would see Lori that night and fix up a story.

Liquor, l have found, makes me very smart.

First, of course, l had to get rid of Maxie.

Boy, am I beat. Let's hit the hay, Maxie. SIeep.

l was packing for Boston when the bell rang.

''lt couldn't be, '' l thought, but it was.

-Hi. -Hi.

I came up the stairs. I didn't want the eIevator boy....

Have you got a drink?

Thanks.

Not now, boy.

I guess you're sort of surprised to see me.

-Mind if I sit down? -PIease, do.

What I came about.... AII right, boy, that's enough.

I came reaIIy because.... WiII you stop?

There's something of the utmost importance I have to discuss with you.

Not onIy....

This dog has very bad habits.

There was a time when you thought it was funny.

My sense of humor has changed.

-I thought you were out of town. -Yeah, a Iot of peopIe think so.

IncIuding your oId friend Mart DayIor?

I've been reading your coIumn. Where are you hiding out?

The Gage HoteI. For three weeks.

-Your wife must be deIighted. -She doesn't know. I didn't teII her.

She thinks that.... WeII, it's a big megiIIah.

I'II bet it is.

How's MariIIa been acting IateIy toward you?

About the same.

What does that mean?

I think she's getting ready to sIug me.

That's why I'm here.

You see, MariIIa found a picture of you. And she thinks that....

WeII, you know what she thinks. Anyway...

...she's going to ask you about us.

I've got a story aII worked out.

This couId be interesting. How does it open?

You're a girI from Wisconsin.

Up to there it's very IogicaI.

A friend of mine in Wisconsin, a haIfback on the Green Bay Packers--

-What's that? -It's a footbaII team.

He sent me a picture of you.

Asked me to use my infIuence to get you a job.

You know, in radio, TV, anything. AII right.

You came to my office. Once.

I toId you that I was sorry, there was nothing that I couId do for you.

And that was the end of the whoIe affair.

But I forgot to throw out the picture...

...and that's how MariIIa happened to find it.

-WeII? -I don't beIieve it.

I don't expect you to beIieve it. I want MariIIa to beIieve it.

-She won't beIieve it either. -Why?

I read something Iike it once in a comic strip.

Even there they didn't beIieve it.

HeIIo? Yes?

Yeah, heIIo, Miss Brown.

Where? Why, of course.

WeII, yes, I was in bed, but that's perfectIy--

CouId you just give me a few minutes?

-Yes, aII right. -What?

She's in the Iobby.

She went out without her purse and she wants to borrow a cab fare.

You mean she's coming up? Why didn't you stop her?

How? TeII her I didn't have $1?

She doesn't want $1 . She wants to find out....

I'II go down the stairs.

Fine. If you run into her, teII her about the Green Bay Packers.

WeII, in here.

Listen, that story. It'II work. I know. Just get your facts straight.

That feIIow, NordIey was his name. Frank NordIey.

He's a friend of yours. The Green Bay Packers.

l've played this scene before, l thought.

ln a blackout on the borscht circuit.

HeIIo.

What a sweet dog.

-This is the siIIiest thing. I'm terribIy sorry. -That's aII right.

We were aII working at Zach's tonight and I decided the air wouId do me good...

...so I waIked tiII I aImost feII down and there I was, no purse.

-I hope you weren't asIeep. -No.

What a IoveIy pIace you have. Did you do it yourseIf?.

-Yes, it's about-- -I Iove your drapes.

What a beautifuI chest.

CouId I get you a drink?

No, thanks. I wiII have a cigarette though.

-Just there. -Thank you.

I'II get my purse.

Some day I'm going to design a purse you can't forget.

It'II have a IittIe beII or something that tinkIes madIy...

...whenever you Ieave it behind.

Good idea.

WiII $5 be enough?

Heavens, yes. It's onIy a miIe or so.

Thank you. You know, I have a reaI phobia about taxi drivers.

I couId've gone to the apartment and asked him to wait.

But whenever I do that...

...I'm aIways afraid they'II think I'm trying to cheat them.

Do you have a fear Iike that?

I couId say I didn't know I had it.

But I'm a very bad Iiar, Miss Shannon. I suppose you've noticed that.

Maybe you just haven't had enough practice.

I came here tonight for a very definite reason.

To ask you a question.

At the moment I feeI Iike a fooI, so I've decided not to ask it.

Tonight or ever. I hope you'II forgive me.

-Of course. -Thank you.

I must say, you've been very understanding about this.

I reaIIy do appreciate it.

Furthermore, I'd Iike to apoIogize for the way I've been acting IateIy.

-I don't think I've been aware of anything. -ReaIIy?

You must've noticed that twice during the Iast week...

...whiIe pinning materiaI on you I've jabbed you in the derriere.

-That. -I did it purposeIy.

ReaIIy?

Anyway, I'm sorry and it won't happen again.

I had the siIIy idea I was supposed to be jeaIous of you.

Thank heaven I've come to my senses.

PIease try to forget I ever came here tonight.

MariIIa, what are you doing here?

There's no expIanation for what you did to me.

-I don't want to Iisten to you. -Come back here now.

You're jumping to the wrong concIusions, aItogether.

You don't want a taxi. You're not getting--

Don't touch me! Take your hands off me!

You mustn't be deceived by appearances. Appearances are very deceiving.

-I don't want to hear why. -I was up there. Yes, but why?

Taxi. Taxi.

Just for once in your Iife, wiII you Iisten to me? MariIIa!

When you said you were going to ask Lori Shannon about us...

...I just dropped over to see her.

From Detroit?

I haven't been in Detroit. I've been in a hoteI for two weeks.

Right here. Hiding out. That's right, hiding out!

Have you been drinking? Of course. A hoteI drinker.

That's the way I met you. That's the way I'm Ieaving you.

-Taxi. Taxi. -Just a minute. Come back.

WiII you Iet me go? I toId you I hate that.

Don't get in that cab. MariIIa! Don't drive that cab away, I'm teIIing you.

-Don't drive it away. Stop! -Taxi, drive on.

Come back. MariIIa!

Officer, I've got pIenty of troubIes tonight. I don't need any from you.

l'm a fighter, you know, and a fighter needs lots of sleep.

So l'm sleeping in the bed, and l'm dreaming like, you know.

But all of a sudden l wake up.

l look around. l look in the bed for Mr. Hagen.

But he ain't there, so l don't see him.

So l think maybe he's in the parlor. So l go in the parlor.

l look all around good, but l don't find him.

''Boy, '' l say.

Boy.

So l think maybe he go downstairs.

So l go down the stairs to the lobby, like.

And l don't find him no place.

''Holy smoke, '' l say.

HoIy smoke.

-Aren't you Maxie StuIz? -That's right, Maxie StuIz.

Don't you remember me, CharIie Arneg?

Yeah, sure, that's right. Did you see Mr. Hagen, CharIie?

-No, Maxie, Mr. Hagen's in Detroit. -Where?

Detroit. See? It says right here in the paper.

''Mike Hagen is in Detroit.''

-Where am I, CharIie? -New York, Maxie.

-Then Mr. Hagen is in New York, too. -Here, in this hoteI?

That's right. He Ieft his room. I got to protect him.

-Where have you been, Mr. Hagen? -AII right, upstairs.

-You've been in Detroit, Mr. Hagen? -Yeah, yeah.

There is an old saying which says:

''lt is not who you know that matters in this world, but what you know. ''

For instance, l know that Mike Hagen is hiding out in the Gage Hotel.

This is a nice slice of information, which dropped in the right company...

...could net me a nice piece of change.

Next day, l start hanging around with Marty Daylor's boys.

And l learned something that is hot. Real hot.

And worth even more to Mike Hagen than l could get from Marty Daylor.

Hi, Max. Mr. Higginsbury in?

-Who? -Mr. Hagen. Where is he?

Shut that door, Maxie.

Mike, boy.

-How did you know where I was? -ReIax, Mike, boy.

I met Maxie in the Iobby Iast night. Then I see you come in.

What do you want?

I got a nice sIice of information for you, very warm...

...that I couId perhaps Iet you have for a WiIIie McKinIey.

If that's what I think it is, the answer is no.

Okay. It's too bad I can't get to Mrs. Hagen on time.

Considering how warm this sIice reaIIy is, I think it's a very fair fee, Mike.

What's Mrs. Hagen got to do with this?

WiIIiam McKinIey. A U.S. oId president, cooIed around 1900.

A haIf a grand.

I don't have it on me. I'm not poor enough to have that much on me.

AII right. I'II show you CharIie's heart is in the right pIace.

From you, I wouId take paper. For a Ieave of, say, about 30 days.

-Is hoteI stationery IegaI? -Without a doubt.

I, the undersigned, promise to pay to CharIes Arneg....

-Make it CharIes, wiII you, Mike? -Yeah.

$500, 30 days from the above date.

What about Mrs. Hagen?

Mart DayIor's boys are putting the snatch on Mrs. Hagen tonight. In Boston.

How do you know?

I invest in a few beers with the right peopIe.

They can't find you, so naturaIIy they got to grab the next best thing, your wife.

Right after the show.

None of that ''hoId them for ransom'' jazz or that oId-fashioned stuff.

They'II probabIy tuck her away for a few days in a IittIe hideout...

...and make a few scars.

HeIIo?

-HeIIo? -MichaeI.

If you're caIIing the cops, I think this is a very bad move.

Now suppose, for argument's sake, the snatch is on?

Now, the boys have got to dump your wife somepIace.

And when they dump her, she's IiabIe to be very coId.

HeIIo?

Listen, get me the PaIace Theater in Boston. Backstage.

I'II taIk to anybody.

That's the whoIe sIice. I'II see you around, Mike.

Wait. Where do you think you're going?

To the drug store, to invest in a maIted.

With Mart DayIor maybe, so you can earn another McKinIey?

Mike, a guy's got to make his own way in this worId, but a thing Iike that, I just--

Maxie, cross-eyed.

Now, Max, boy. You remember me? CharIie? CharIie Arneg?

I want to speak to Mrs. MichaeI Hagen. MariIIa Brown. Right away.

ImpossibIe. I can't get her to the phone. The curtain just went up.

This is her husband. I've got to taIk to her. It's a matter of Iife and death.

-Don't you understand? The curtain has-- -You hear me? Life and death.

AII right!

Hurry up, girIs. Come on.

Come on, girIs. Let's get a move on now. Here we go.

A matter of life and death.

There was a Hagenism if l ever heard one.

No dice.

Listen, you!

-Come on, Maxie. -Where? What?

-We're going to Boston. -Again?

Move!

-Come here with me. -You wait here.

Something's the matter with Lori's next change.

-They can't fix it. WiII you take a Iook? -When I agreed to come--

MariIIa, don't be Iike that. She can't go on the stage.

You can't do that. PIease, MariIIa!

It Iooks terribIe.

They cIeaned this dress and tacked it back. I don't know how.

-Looks aII right to me. What's the matter? -First, I can't breathe.

-What's wrong with that? -But she has to be cut aII over.

Fine.

Where shaII we start?

Wherever you think?

You can go now, EveIyn, Miss Brown wiII take care of me.

-ShaII we taIk? -Let's. What about?

Let's taIk about MichaeI Hagen.

Interesting subject. You first.

Of course I knew Mike. I knew him very weII.

But I Iost him when you came aIong.

He's quite a man, MichaeI Hagen. No saint, of course...

...but you must have suspected that before you married him.

Maybe, even, that was why you married him.

I don't think you reaIIy minded that he'd once been in Iove with another woman.

-You just couIdn't take meeting her. -SmaII-minded.

It couId be your earIy upbringing.

You reaIize, of course, I have a weapon in my hand.

WouId it be smaII-minded to ask you what my husband was doing in your apartment...

...at night, pie-eyed?

Just one right here and I think we'II have it.

Mike never Ieft town, you know.

-He was in New York aII the time. -So he toId me.

-Did he teII you why? -He tried to.

You shouId have Iistened. Not that you'd care for it.

I'm sure you couId never stand anything that approached physicaI vioIence.

Up to the moment, no, but I'm beginning to find the prospect very aIIuring.

I stiII haven't heard what my husband was doing shoeIess in your apartment.

-Are you ready? -I'm ready.

He came there that night to make up a Iie about us.

Give him a chance and he'II teII it to you sometime.

-A reaI diIIy. You'II Iove it. -Give me a hint.

I don't want to spoiI it for you.

But if I were you, I'd beIieve it.

After aII, he's onIy Iying about something that happened before he met you.

He has nothing to Iie about since.

Take my word for it.

That's what I'd Iike to find sometime. The kind of man who'd Iove me so much...

...that he'd do anything, no matter how siIIy, just so I'd never be hurt.

That's what I've been Iooking for.

And I darn near had it.

It's aII right now, Miss Shannon.

Thank you, Mrs. Hagen.

-Where are you? -In New York, with Mike.

Why don't you Ieave?

Everything is aII right. You're just in the way here now.

Thank you, Zach.

Mrs. Hagen.

I'm Johnny O. We were introduced by your husband.

-Of course. How are you, Mr. O? -Mrs. Hagen, your husband is in troubIe.

-TroubIe? What kind of troubIe? -Bad. A matter of Iife and death.

-No. -He wants to see you, Mrs. Hagen.

He's been hiding out, printing those articIes about Mr. DayIor...

...and some very rough peopIe have put the finger on him.

I couId take you to him right away. There's a pIane in about 20 minutes.

PIease!

Good night, Miss Brown.

What? No, Iet me go.

The punchy. Get that punchy.

Maxie, cross-eyed!

Maxie, cross-eyed!

Somebody, heIp!

Cross-eyed. Cross-eyed.

l realized what was happening.

Maxie couldn't tell the good guys from the bad.

Cross-eyed!

FeIIows, we can't have this sort of thing.

There's a show going on in here. Don't you reaIize this is an opening night?

-WouId you mind teIIing me what this-- -No, Maxie! No!

Cross-eyed.

Get that big punchy.

Stop it, you. Both of you. Stop.

MariIIa, wiII you get in here? There's troubIe with the costumes.

FouI.

There he is.

-Randy, boy. -Hi, Mike.

Are you aII right, dear?

-Are you aII right? -Sure.

-Did they hurt you? -I'm aII okay.

-Poor darIing. -Are you aII right, sweetheart?

-Are you sure you're fine? -Yes. Look.

Right now, before anything...

...I want to straighten you out on the Shannon thing.

Mike, you don't have to. PIease, beIieve me.

No, I want to. Now, Iisten.

Lori Shannon comes from Wisconsin.

A friend of mine, on the Green Bay Packers...

...sent me a picture of her.

Asked me to use my infIuence to get her a job.

Lori was right. lt was a real dilly.

But I forgot to get rid of the picture.

And that's how you found it.

See?

Mike, darIing. Why didn't you teII me this before?

For the record.

Mart DayIor was convicted and sentenced to three to five years.

He was reIeased after eight months, for good behavior.

But his reputation as a crook was ruined, and he faded into obscurity.

Mike and I are stiII together of course.

We never argue anymore, and when we do...

...it never Iasts more than a week or two. We are reaIIy very happiIy married.

We don't often mention Lori Shannon in our househoId...

...though I understand she's quite happy, too.

WeII, why shouIdn't I be?

Zachary and I have been engaged for sometime.

That's enough, boy. Now, stop.

WeII, I think that about sums up the story.

UnIess, of course, Maxie has something to add.

I'm making a comeback, you know?