All language subtitles for Cheers S10E25 An Old-Fashioned Wedding Dvdrip Xvid-Macro

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Move it, you deadbeats.
We're closing early.

Woody, our bartender's,
getting married,

and we're all going
in the wedding.

Go on. Get the hell out of here.

If you're still thirsty,
go on over to Bob's.

Gee, it's nice to see
my cousins again.

You know, sitting here
in my dinner jacket,

I feel I should be
tossing off

brittle Noel Coward
bon mots.

Do you know any brittle
Noel Coward bon mots?

As a matter
of fact, I do.

It seems that after being
told that a very boring

acquaintance of his had put
a bullet through his brain,

Coward said, "He must have
been a remarkable shot!"

Did he often find humor
in the tragedy of others?

Well, darling, you're
missing the humor, dear.

He got his jollies
from massive head trauma?

Don't...

You're missing
the whimsy...

Oh, for God's sake,
Frasier!

Can you imagine the state
of mind that would drive a man

to do something like that?

Can you picture the despair
he must have felt

facing a future in which
any hope or joy seemed
utterly impossible?

I think I can
picture that, dear.

(theme song begins)

� Making your way
in the world today �

� Takes everything you've got �

� Taking a break
from all your worries �

� Sure would help a lot �

� Wouldn't you like
to get away? �

� Sometimes you want to go �

� Where everybody
knows your name �

� And they're always
glad you came �

� You wanna be
where you can see �

� Our troubles
are all the same �

� You wanna be where
everybody knows your name �

� You wanna go
where people know �

� People are all the same �

� You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. �

So what'd you clowns
get the happy couple?

Well, uh, you know, Carla,
recent surveys show

there are a lot of wasteful
duplication in wedding gifts.

Yeah.

Everybody gets like,
you know...

four toasters
and four-dozen fondue forks.

They always wind up sitting
in a closet somewhere.

Yeah, so, uh, we went
for the, uh, practical.
Yep.

Ta-dah!

Hey, wait a minute.

Is that a new
garbage can?

Um... yeah.

Like hell it is.

You just took that
out of your kitchen
and brought it here!

Hey, this is a seasoned
receptacle, okay?

Oh, God!

They got some fetish to look
at a brand-new garbage can,

they can come over
to my kitchen.

Darling, what's taking
you so long,

just to write
a simple card?

We're the most articulate
couple Woody and Kelly know.

I'd like to leave them
with some words

they can reread and cherish
20 years from now.

Yeah, if they're
still married then.

Forgive me if I seem
unduly cynical, but...

geez, I've treated
so many emotionally

scarred husbands
and wives,

it's hard for me
to get sentimental

over a simple
greeting card.

What'd you write?

"May you never forget the way
your hearts leapt up

when first you gazed
into each other's eyes."

(crying):
Oh, God Lilith!
I still remember!

Whoa, guys, this is going to be
some kind of wedding reception.

I tell you, it was pretty nice
of Mr. Gaines to buy

all his liquor from us.

I think I'm going to throw in

that special case of wine
I got in here.

Sam, you might as well
leave on your apron.

You're going down to the cellar.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

(humming)

It's all cobwebby down there.

It's a perfectly
sensible precaution.

After all, it's not as though
he slept in a shower cap.

No.

Oh, well,
so what if he did?

I mean, uh,

like any guy might.

You know, to keep the spiders
off his head.

Do you realize, when I publish
my book on borderline psychosis,

every penny I ever spent
in this bar will be deductible?

I just hope
it's a short wedding.

I can't wait to get
to that cake.

I'm starving.

So I gather
the preparations
for this event

have been
somewhat lavish.

"Somewhat"?!

We are talking about
the wedding of the year!

Look at this guest list--

tycoons, philanthropists,
European royalty.

The kind of wonderful crowd
that I could be mingling with

right now if Robin and I
had stayed together...

which, of course,
we didn't.

He went his way
and I went mine

and the dream ended
and... that was that.

And now I've got
to go over there

and schlep booze
so those rich pigs

can pour it down
their ugly throats!

Life sucks.

Okay to call on you
for a wedding toast?

Hey, here's the blushing
bridegroom now.

Hi.

How're you doing, Woody?

Fine. Fine.

What're you smiling about there?

Am I smiling, Sam?

Okay, I'll stop.

You're acting all weird.
What's going on?

Am I acting weird, Sam?

Okay, I'll stop.

Yeah, you're spacing out.

You've got that
goofy look on your face

and that look
in your eyes

that I always
get right after...

Aw, don't tell me.

You and Kelly couldn't wait till
your wedding night, could you?

Oh...

It gives me a whole new
prospective, Sam.

You know, suddenly I
understand all those jokes

you guys have
been telling me.

And by the way,
ha-ha, Mr. Peterson.

And ha-ha-ha, Mr. Clavin.

And ho-ho-ho, shame
on you, Dr. Crane.

Tell me, Woody, why, after
three years of chastity

and just hours
before the wedding?

Well, Kelly was modeling
her trousseau.

And she just looked so good,
and we couldn't help ourselves.

And we figured
it's okay as long

as we're getting married
today, you know.

You still respect me,
right, Sam?

Aw, come on, you'd still
respect me, wouldn't you?

Let's not open up
that can of worms.

Ah, Woody,
I understand
completely.

You know, forbidden fruit
is often the sweetest.

Many men look back
on premarital sex

as the last real
thrill they had

before the cold, dead
hand of matrimony

turned what was once exciting
into predictable routine...

(rhythmic clinking)

According to this
idiotic book I read.

I just worry about
Kelly's father.

He's pretty traditional
about those things.

I wouldn't want
him finding out.

Hi, lover.

Gee, I don't know
what would tip him off.

Shouldn't you be home
getting dressed?

Uh-huh,
but I missed you.

Oh, I missed you, too.

You know, no matter
how often I see it,

the sight of young lovers
never fails to make me sick.

Kelly.
Kelly...

Kelly!
(clears throat)

Look, uh, I gotta
ask you something.

I'm making you guys
an astrological marriage chart

for a wedding present.

And I gotta get
some information.

Oh, gee, I...
I don't know my sign,

but I know I'm not a Virgo.

CARLA:
I know your date of birth

and where you were born,

but what I gotta
know is what time
you were born exactly.

It was 8:00
in the morning.
Okay.

I weighed seven pounds,
three ounces.

I had very fine hair

and a tiny little birthmark
on my shoulder.

Daddy said it was the sweetest
thing you've ever seen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

KELLY:
Can you believe that sweet,

innocent baby girl grew up

and got it on with
the Woodman this morning?

8:00 a.m. Got it. Okay.

Kelly, who's performing
the ceremony?

Don't you have an uncle
who's a minister?

Yes, Uncle Roger.

But it didn't seem
right to ask him.

He's going through
a terrible divorce right now.

Apparently, he got
tired of coming home

and finding his wife
in bed with Hives.

Well, it's pretty
insensitive of him.

Hives is their butler.

Oh.

CARLA:
Oh, oh...

Oh, bad news, guys.

The wedding's off.

What are you talking
about, Carla?

Well, according
to my chart,

this is the worst possible day
for you guys to get married.

If you do, the wedding
will be a disaster.

CLIFF:
Oh, for crying
out loud, Carla!

You ought to know by now,
horoscopes are for suckers.

Oh, they're for
suckers, huh, Clavin?

Sure. I was reading an
article debunking them

in last month's
UFO Spotter's Guide.

You know, kids,
astrology is bad enough,

but she's also a Cassandra
into the bargain,

always prophesying doom.

You know, when Lilith
and I got married,

she predicted that our
marriage would descend into
a life of endless bickering.

That's not exactly what
she said, Frasier.

Yes it is, word for word.

No, you're misremembering,
as usual.

It's my story.

Why can't you keep
your oar out?

Because inaccuracy is a
mark of sloppy thinking.

And what is butting in
a mark of?!

I'm telling you, Woody,

You've got to call
this thing off.

Just reschedule it for
any other day but this.

Well, that's out
of the question, Carla.

After what happened
this morning,

Kelly and I have to get married,
or she'll be a fallen woman,

and I'll have brought disgrace
on my whole family,

just like
Uncle Orlo.

He got caught checking
into a motel

with a cream separating machine.

It may not seem shocking now,

but in the early '60s, that was
considered pretty weird.

No, got to get married today.

Woody's right.

If we don't get
married today,

we'll never be able
to face each other.

Okay, suit yourselves,

but don't blame me.

Aw, come on,
don't listen to her.

Okay, Kelly, we'd
better get you home

so you can get into
that wedding dress.

Now come on you two,

cut it out. Come on.

Otherwise, you're going
to be getting married

in nothing but high heels
and a wedding veil.

How would that look, huh?

Trust me, Sam.

(laughing)

Oh, that's great.

Okay, Rebecca, you ready to go?

Uh, no, no, no. I want
a picture of everybody first

with us all dressed up.
Come on.

Everybody get over
here on the steps.

You know, it's amazing
how different we all look

when we're dressed up...

sort of sophisticated
and debonair.

CLIFF:
Hey, for crying out loud, Norm!
You stepped on my shoe!

Do you know how long it took me
to get that shine on there?!

NORM:
Oh, did Cliffy get his little
shoesy-woosey messed up?

Hey!
Will you knock it off?

How would you like a smear
on your "triple Es" pal?!

Okay, all right,
I've got it set.

In five seconds
the picture goes off.

(camera shutter clicks)

Darn it, I think
my eyes were closed!

Come on, Carla.

As soon as we're
finished setting up,

we can enjoy
the wedding.

I'm telling you, Rebecca,

nobody's gonna enjoy
this wedding.

The stars don't lie.

The day is gonna be a disaster.

There's gonna be carnage,
bloodshed, destruction.

People will be fighting
each other to get on stretchers

and begging to be put
out of their misery.

Carla, if you feel
that way, why didn't
you just stay home?

What? And spend the night
with my kids?

(dogs barking and growling)

Whew! Boy,
I'll tell you,

those are two of the fiercest
guard dogs I've ever seen.

Mr. Gaines says if you
just call them by name

and speak firmly to them,
they're gentle as lambs.

Well, that's
good to know.

What are their names?

Hitler and Attila.

What do you want me
to do with this wine?

Uh, why don't you just
put it over there
in the wine closet?

All right. Oh, oh, oh.

Wine closet.

These certainly
look delicious.

Uh! Uh!
Ow!

(with French accent):
I have told you again
and again--

don't touch the food!

I am the caterer.
You are just...

bar people.

Why are you being so rude?

You know, we're
caterers, too.

Opening a bag of potato chips
does not make you a caterer.

Huh. That is not a bag.

That is a can.

Those are Pringles, Mr.
Big-Time-Know-It-All chef.

Hey, that's the nicest
wine closet I've ever been in.

Well, Robin and I were
gonna have one, too.

It was gonna
have stereo

and hanging plants and

two little chairs
and a little table,

and we would sit
there late at night

with a very special
bottle of wine.

The son of a bitch.

You wanted to talk
to me, Mr. Gaines?

Yes, Woody, now that
we're almost family,

Mr. Gaines sounds
pretty cold and formal.

Dad?

But better than that;
have a seat here, Woody.

Now, Woody,
I don't think

I've ever tried
to hide the fact

that I dislike
you intensely.

I appreciate that, sir.

The only reason
I've accepted this union

is that my daughter
loves you so very much.

Oh, I know she's
had other suitors

with better
backgrounds,

but they all had one
thing on their minds.

They couldn't keep
their hands off

my little girl, and I hate that.

But you,
on the other hand,

have always seemed to respect
and love my daughter.

But believe me,

if I thought for one moment,

you didn't respect my Kelly,
I'd call off this wedding

and have those dogs
of mine eat you alive.

Do I make myself clear?

Oh, yes, sir.

Now, Woody,
I know this sounds

like a meddlesome father-in-law
giving advice, but it isn't.

It's a threat.

Think he's starting to like me.

Hey, Woods.

Hey, ah, that is
a good shot right there.

Okay, there,
Rebecca!

Say cheese!

Oh!
Oh, man!

Think you got enough wattage
in that thing?

(camera shutter clicking)

Oh...

Hey, you're missing
quite a party out there.

What are you
talking about?

I thought the reception
was after the wedding.

Oh, yeah, but as soon
as he met Woody's relatives,

Mr. Gaines opened the bar
right away.

Yeah, we'd better take some
hors d'oeuvres out there.

I am not going
to tell you again.

Keep your hands
off my savories!

SAM:
Oh, my.

I haven't heard that
since high school.

You-you have a real
attitude problem,

you know that,
you little creep?!

CLIFF:
Hey.

Now you're taking me
back to high school.

Huh.

Yeah.

Teachers, huh?

As long as you two guys
are out here,

why don't you give me a hand?

(clapping)

Hilarious.

Cliff, dry off those glasses,

and Norm,
open up those wine bottles.

Hey, does anybody
have a plunger?

Why? Something happen
to the toilet?

No, my Uncle Elroy
left his leg on the bus,

and he wants to dance.

Yeah, well, if I see it,
I'll send it out to him.

Woody!

Woody, for
the last time,

will you call this thing off
before disaster strikes?

Carla, I couldn't
even if I wanted to,

now that Kelly's
in a family way.

Family way?
Just from this morning?

Wouldn't surprise me.

Farm boys know
these things.

She's got that same
glow we used to see

on the brood sow's snout

after we'd fed the hogs
fermented swill.

Yeah?

Pretty soon,
she'll be grunting,

squealing and
cranking out piglets.

Never lose those stars
in your eyes, Wood.

Woody.

WOODY:
Oh, Kelly!

You ever look gorgeous!

KELLY:
Shh. Daddy would kill you

if he saw us together
before the wedding.

Oh. Okay, I'll
see you later.

See you later, Woody.

CLIFF:
Oh, boy, huh?

Yeah.
Looking at those two,
it's hard to believe

that one out of every
two-and-two-thirds marriages

in this country
ends in divorce.

Where do they get
those stupid statistics?

What is two thirds
of a marriage?

Plenty, believe me.

Hey, come on,
you guys.

You heard Mr. Gaines.
Woody, if he sees you

and Kelly smooching like that,
he's gonna throw a fit!

MR. GAINES:
Kelly, where are you?

Oh, hey, Carla,
give me a hand here, will you?

I told you
disaster was gonna strike.

Come here, come,
come out here.

(dogs barking and barking)

MR. GAINES:
Kelly,

you're not downstairs, are you?

You have to hide her!

Uh, yeah, Kelly, out through
the, uh, s-swinging doors.

No, no, no.
Nobody can see her

until she walks
down the aisle!

How about the oven?

Carla!

How about
the dumbwaiter?

My cousin and I used to hide
in there when we were little.

Ooh. Ooh,
it's cozy in here.

Woody...

No, don't even
think about it.

MR. GAINES:
Kelly?

Kelly?
Oh, hi,
Mr. Gaines.

Hi, Woody. I can't
seem to find Kelly.

She didn't go
out there, did she?

I think she's around
here somewhere.

Woody, you haven't
seen Kelly, have you?

Uh, no.
No, sir.

No. Not me.
Not before the wedding.

I wouldn't want
to see Kelly naked.

I mean, uh, married.

I mean, I don't believe in
seeing her naked... marriages,

or being naked
when you see a marriage,

or any of that stuff,

not even with a... veil.

More bourbon, Sam.

Lots more bourbon.
Yes, sir.

The big bottles.

Oh! I couldn't have held on
to that rope much longer.

All right, I don't want
to take any more chances here.

You go up to your room, Kelly.

Now, would you
two stop that!
Now, come on.

Woody, Woody, Woody,
get out there and, uh,

mingle with your,
uh, guests. Come on.

KELLY:
See you later, Woody.

Love you.

Love you, too.

Love you more.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do, too.
Love you more

than anything in
the whole world.

Wuv you, wuv you...
Yes, I wuv you,
wuv you, too, Woody.

Now, uh, you go out there

and mingle with
your new in-laws, huh?

Are you a history buff, Sam?

Uh, no, sir, I'm not,
actually. Why?

I was thinking
about Mussolini.
Ah.

Oh, I know you hear a lot
of negative things about him...

but any man that had
his own son-in-law shot

couldn't have been all bad.

All right, I think
everything's okay here.

I'll just, uh, make sure
that Woody's behaving himself.

Well, hello there.

Can I, uh, help you?

(with German accent):
I'm Cousin Monika.

Oh. Well, I'm Uncle Sam.

I need a paper towel.

I'm afraid I spilled
a bit of wine, right here.

Oh, really?

Well, it doesn't show.
It does...

if you look closely enough.

Oh, yes, you're right,
by golly.

That's a beauty-- it's too bad
you had to get a stain on it.

Throw that to me.

Thank you very much.

Let me, uh, get this for you.

You're as gallant as
you are attractive.

Well, I try for an even mix.

Are you part of
the groom's family?

Actually, I'm the best man.

I'd enjoy being
the judge of that.

This is hardly
the time or place.

Of course, under
the gift table

in about half an hour
would be all right.

There you go--
good as new.

Thank you.

Whoa, w-wait a second,
what-what's your rush?

My husband will be
looking for me.

Can you believe that?
She's married!

She didn't seem to be
a fanatic about it.

REBECCA:
Oh, hello, Father.

Can I help you?

I'm Dr. Chatfield.

I'm performing
the ceremony.

(chuckles):
I've been retired
so long,

I've forgotten how tiring
the preliminaries can be.

All that handshaking
and yak, yak, yak.

Is there somewhere
I could just sit

and put my feet up
until it's time?

Well, sure--
how about right over here?

CHEF:
Just keep him out of
my part of the kitchen.

I still have the whole cake
to decorate.

Well, I wish you'd hurry up--
I'm starving to death.

I haven't had
a thing to eat all morning

except one of
those little candies.

What little candy?

Those little candies shaped
like brides and grooms.

I made this
for the top of the cake!

You bit the head of my groom!

I'm sorry-- I didn't
have any idea that
that was for...

This is the last straw!

You have been an irritation
ever since you walked in.

Now, I want you...
out of here.

No!

I can stay here, too!

I've been working very hard,

and except for eating the groom,
I've done a damn good job.

If you don't like it,
why don't you just leave!

Very well.

We shall.

Allons-y!

(muttering in French)

(dogs barking,
growling excitedly)

(door slamming)

NORM:
Probably not the
smartest move

for a bunch of guys who have
been handling liver all day.

He left.

(feigns French accent):
Well, you told him to!

Yes! But nobody
ever listens to me.

Why did he have to be
the first one?

Say, is the minister out here?

They need him for a photograph.

Right back here.
All the waiters and the chef,

how are we going
to replace them?

Just relax.
We can handle this ourselves.

Oh, really?
How are we going to do that?

We'll just do whatever those
clowns were supposed to do.

Now, come on, listen to me.

This is Woody's
wedding day.

It's the most important day
in his life.

We're not going to spoil it.

Now, we'll just
ice the cake,

and serve the hors d'oeuvres

and don't worry about it.

There's no need to panic.

I think somebody better tell
them to wait on that photograph.

Why is that?

Because the minister
is dead.

Dead?

He can't
be dead.

He just sat down there
to take a little nap.

Frasier, are you sure?

I trained as a physician.

Believe me, he's dead.

You don't make
that mistake twice.

Oh, the poor, old thing.

Would you
stop that?!

Aw, no, poor Woody.

There goes the wedding.

Yeah, unless one
of you knows

an incredible
ventriloquist.

Well, somebody
better go tell him.

You're right.

Oh, he's just
going to be crushed.

Break it to him gently, Sam.

Sam? Why am I the one
who's responsible?

Hey, Woodrow!

How're you doing, man?
Hey!

WOODY:
Hey, Sam.

I just came in to get
my boutonniere.

Oh, he just, uh, came in
to get his boutonniere.

Oh.
Listen, I didn't
get a chance

to thank you guys for making
this such a wonderful day.

Helping me out
with Kelly's dad.

Oh, well,
we'd do anything

we could for you, pal,
anything humanly possible.

I know you would, Sam.

I-I know you all would,
and thank you all.

This is just the greatest day
of my whole life.

Aw, well,
that's terrific.

Say, how would you feel
if we had to cancel it?

What, are you kidding?

No way. Why would we?

Oh, I don't know, you know,
say the minister was, uh...

Called away.
Called away.

He's retired, Sam.

That's for sure.

His wife died ten years ago.

He doesn't have any family.

From what I hear,
he hardly has any life at all.

You heard right.

Whereas, I have the greatest
life anyone could ask for

and... you know,

the greatest friends

and I-I'm going to marry Kelly
in 30 minutes.

And I just feel like
the luckiest guy

in the whole world.

You sure are, pal.

Bye-bye.

Oh, great. What
are we going to do?

Well, I suppose I should
call the police.

Yeah, one of us better
tell Mr. Gaines, too.

Oh, that'd be great.

What are we supposed to do,
throw rice at the hearse?

I'm telling you,
if we tell anybody,

they're just going to cancel
the whole celebration.

Rebecca's right.

A dead body at a wedding
is a bad idea.

Both times we did that
in my family, we regretted it.

Boy, look at him, Norm.

One minute he's here,

next minute he's gone.

Really makes you think,
doesn't it?

Friendship, mortality,
the afterlife...

what's it all about?

That's a nice watch
he's wearing.

No. No, Cliff, no.

I'm just saying, is all.

Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.

Didn't Woody say something like

this old man
didn't have any friends left?

Well, what harm
would it be

if we just didn't tell
anybody for a few hours?

What are we going to do
with Father Bye-Bye?

Who's going to perform
the ceremony?

Well, Kelly said something
about having

an uncle who's a minister.

Uncle Roger!

Great! Okay.

Cliffie, go find Uncle Roger

and bring him in here.
Roger!

That's what
I just said.

Go, go-go-go.

Frasier, uh, go stall
while I send out more drinks.

Uh, Norm, Carla, get the body
in the wine cellar there.

Uh, Rebecca, ice the cake.

(whining):
Why do I always get
the hard part?!

Just do it,
will you please?

Come on, come on.
Hurry up.

Can you believe
this, Carla?

We're actually putting
a dead body in a wine closet.

Honey, if I had a nickel...

We're lucky.

Maurice already left
the icing here,

so maybe I can do this cake.

But what am I going to do

about the little
figure for the top?

Uh, can't you repair it?

Uh, here,
yeah, use this.

Sam, that's pate.

You want me to make the groom's
head out of meat?

Why not?
It's supposed to be Woody.

CLIFF:
Sammy, Sam.

Uh, Uncle Roger.

Oh! Hello, Uncle Roger!

Very pleased
to meet you, Sam!

I've heard wonderful
things about you.

Who are you again?

Well, I'm the best man, sir.

We were wondering if you
could help us out here

and perform Kelly
and Woody's wedding.

I'd be flattered!

I love weddings.

Yeah, they're such a
marvelous, young couple.

Do I know them?

Uh, quick,
black coffee, Norm.

I love black coffee!

Black coffee is marvelous!

But you know
what's even more marvelous?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, here we go.

Here we go. There.

Okay, Uncle Roger,
this is Norm.

He's going to help you
prepare your remarks.

Pleased to meet you, Norm.

I've heard marvelous
things about you!

Uh, Cliffie, uh,
serve some hors d'oeuvres.

Keep people happy,
will you?

Very good.

What's taking so long?

Shouldn't the wedding
have started by now?

Uh, well, something
came up, Lilith. I'm afraid

I can't go into it, but, uh,

maybe it'd be a good idea
if you went out there

and, you know,
were to sing and dance

and use some of your natural
talents to entertain people.

Oh, my God,
someone died,
didn't they?

You can count on me, Sam.

Good heavens,
death at a wedding.

How appalling.

All right, see? Huh?

No need to panic.
Everything's under control here.

Du dort!

Ich glaube Du bist
der nachdem ich suche.

Pardon me?

Ich will nicht, dass Sie
mit meiner Frau flirten!

"Frau, frau," that's German.

Anybody speak German?

Just the basics, Sam.

Uh, "Lowenbrau, Michelob,
bratwurst."

Ah, good,

good, good.
Here we go.
Here we go.

(loudly):
I wanted to take German
in high school!

It really interested me!

But it conflicted
with Driver's Ed!

Anything, huh?

Gehe wieder an sie heran
und Du kannst fuer den Tod

eines Hundes beten!

Yeah, well, Ich bin
ein Berliner, pal.

Listen, I'm sorry.
I can't help you.

Sam,
What?

I think he's saying
he needs to go to the bathroom.

Oh, I bet you're right.
I'm sorry.

Right through the doors
there, Goldfinger.

Dieter!

Du bist gewamt worden!

Hey, how you doing, Monika?

I'm sorry.
Was my husband being a pest?

Your husband?

Oh, listen, when we met,
I didn't know you were married,

let alone
to the Kaiser there.

Oh, pay no mind.

He's hideously jealous

of every man I am
even polite to.

Well, maybe you're
just too darn polite.

The reason I came
looking for you, Sam,

is to give you
a little gift.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Listen, you didn't
have to do that.

Consider it a down payment.

MONIKA:
Now I have a problem.

My legs are cold.

How do you think
I can warm them up?

Well, if you were
a cricket,

you could always
rub them together.

(Sam and Monika laughing)

Don't tease me, Sam.

I'll be expecting you...

unless you need
another incentive.

No-no-no-no-no,
no more incentive.
No-no-no.

Thank you very much.

Oh, Lord, what am I gonna do?

Hey, buddy.
How are you doing?

Oh, hey, Sam.
I'm missing her.

I want to go up
and say "hi" to her.

Ah, no, no. Can't you keep
your hormones in check
just for five minutes?

Look who's talking!

Aw, yeah.

You got me there, pal.

You be careful!

(chuckling):
Boy, Sammy, you ought
to see Lilith out there.

She's really working up a sweat,

singing, dancing,
doing impressions!

She's doing everything
but playing the spoons!

I'm cooking.

Give me an A-flat.

Thank you.

(spoons clacking)
� When you're smiling �

� When you're smiling �

� The whole world smiles... �

You know, maybe it wouldn't
be so bad to let them see

the corpse after all, eh?

Oh, Uncle Roger!

You feeling better?

Well, well, yes,
I am feeling better.

Ah, good.

You feeling up
to performing
a wedding?

Perform a wedding?

I'd sooner be dead.

Oh, now, now, don't,
don't you get started on this.

I hate weddings.

Well, my own marriage
was a, a disaster.

I-I-I... at times
I prayed I would die

and go to a better hell
than the one I was living.

Oh, my... Just talk to
him, will you, Norm?

What am I gonna do,
argue with the man?

Marriage ruined my life!
Oh, Norm, Norm,

if you only knew.

Amen, brother, amen.

Not now, Cliffie!

Uh, do me a favor.

Take Uncle Roger
out there.

Find Frasier and
get him some therapy fast.

Sure thing. Okay,
buddy boy, let's go.

Are you married?

Uh, no, sir, I'm not.

Came close once,
but no.

Well, she was a lucky girl.

Why, thank you, sir.

What's the holdup?
Where's Dr. Chatfield?

Uh, Dr. Chatfield,
um, has, uh, challenged

the chef and the waiters
to a footrace in the park,

and that's where
they are now, footracing.

Thank you very much.
He was going for it.

Sir, uh, the minister
should be ready

in about five minutes.

Well, then I'll just
use this opportunity

to get the champagne
out of the wine closet.

Oh, good idea.

Uh, everybody loves wine,
Rebecca.

SAM:
No! No!

Please, this is far
too dangerous.

Let me go down
there for you.

I'm just gonna
select a vintage.

Rebecca, can you sew
a button on for me?

Kelly, what are you doing
down here in the kitchen?

Now that you're here,
let me get a look at you.

Oh, yes, yes, let's
all look at her.

Kelly, you stand right over
there by the p�t�. Oh! Oh!

(gasps)
Isn't... she... beautiful?!

SAM:
Yes, yes, yes.

I'm just a bartender,

but even a dumbwaiter like me
can see how beautiful she is.

Oh, look at her, Mr. Gaines.

Turn around, Kelly.
Look at that dress!

Look at that hair!

Look at that train!

Well,

you're just a little
store-bought princess,

aren't you, Kelly?

Oh, Cliffy!
Cliffy!

Ah, you're
just in time.

Yeah, the bride and her father
would like to have a shot

before the wedding!

Oh, yeah,
sure thing there, Sammy.

Okay, now just look at me.

Uh, just look at Cliff.

I already hired
a professional photographer.

I know, but spontaneous
is so much more fun. Smile!

(camera shutter clicks)

Oh!
Yeah!

SAM:
Oh, oh! Coming
through, sir.

Coming through.

Okay. Here we go. Let's
get another one this way.

CLIFF:
Yeah, good idea. We'll, uh,
spin right around here,

Turn around.
and I'll get
a picture

of your baby blues.
Oh! You blinded me

with that
damn flashbulb.

Will you be reasonable?!

I tell you, I won't
perform another wedding.

(shutter clicking)
What the devil was that?

Uh... maybe it
was the radio.

Oh, yeah.

Turn off that damn radio!

I've got a
splitting headache.

I'm gonna go upstairs
and lie down.

No, sir. You gotta
pick a vintage here

so we can
drink champagne.

Do you eat a lot
of sugar, Sam?

No, sir, I'm just
a fool for weddings.

What are you doing

dressed like that? Come on.

Mr. Gaines could see
you. Get out there.

(dogs barking)

I still need to have
my button sewed on.

Woody was kidding around,
and he kind of... bit it off.

Where is the
button, Kelly?

Well, Woody has it.

SAM:
I got it. I got it. Woody!

(dogs barking and growling)

Oh, my God.

Give me the button.
There you go.

(dogs barking)

Here, Rebecca.

Sew it on, quick.

Sam, I'm icing the cake.

If I weren't icing the cake,

I would sew on
the damned button,

but I am icing the cake.

You don't know
how to sew, do you?

I don't even know how
to ice the damned cake.

I can sew.

Yeah, Ma thought
it was a skill

every young man should learn.

Oh, that was very
sensible of her.

Oh, sure, I can also knit,
crochet and do bargello.

You ought to see
this petit-point rug

I did of John Wayne
ascending into heaven.

(dogs barking)

(gasping):
Big dogs.

Big, hungry dogs.

Thank God, I'm saved.

Sam, here we are.

(dogs barking)

Well, that's quite a pair
of dogs you got there, sir.

Thank you. This ought to do it.

Put those on ice for later.

On ice, sir. Yes, sir.

I wonder how Lilith
is doing out there.

LILITH:
And this time,
just the women yodel.

(dogs barking and growling)

Here you go,
Mr. Best Man.

Thank you very much.

My pants are torn.

Oh, I'm sorry, Woody.

Uh, Kelly's father
was down here.

Listen, why don't you
run up to her room there?

Uh, Cliffie's sewing
on a button for her.

Maybe he can take
care of your pants.

You'd think those dogs
would know me by now.

Mr. Gaines is always giving them
one of my shoes to sniff.

Quick, quick, haul him up.

Okay, now,

if we can get the body
in the wine cellar, and, uh,

and Frasier
to fix Uncle Roger,

and Rebecca to fix the cake,

and Lilith
to entertain the guests

and Cliffie to fix Woody's
pants and we'll be all set.

Sammy, I hate to be the one
to break this to you,

but the, uh, body seems

to have fallen off
the dumbwaiter.

Aw, gee.

Just when everything
was going so well.

The body's gone, Sam.

Well, we're just
gonna have to find it

before somebody else does.

"Horoscopes are
for suckers, Carla."

Hey, does anyone know
where this dumbwaiter goes?

The cellar, I think.

Robin and I were
going to have one,

right off the kitchen
by the inglenook,

those little leaded
glass windows,

overlooking the little
herb garden.

I'd love it if he were dead.

Okay, tell you what.

Go outside there,
see if you can find

the entrance
to the cellar.

No problem, Sammy.

(dogs barking)

Problem, Sammy.

All right, all right, all right.

Plan B. Uh...

All right, somebody climb
in the dumbwaiter here

and, uh, I'll
lower you down.
Okay.

Okey-doke.

No, uh...

Just a thought, but maybe
Carla should go, huh?

Oh, sure, sure. I'd love
to be lowered down

into the cellar on a rope

to look for a dead
body in the dark.

Who believes in horoscopes?

Are you there yet?

Uh, a little more!

Hello, Uncle Sam.

(Carla screams,
heavy thud)

As long as you
have my stockings,

I thought you might
need something to...

hold them up.

Oh, uh, gee, I-I wish, uh--
not now, not now.

No, look, this is
wrong. Listen.

This is my buddy's
wedding today.

I can't spoil it.

Besides, I have certain
moral standards

that I just refuse
to compromise.

Right after the wedding,

my poor husband has
to fly to Dusseldorf.

Okay, but I'm
buying breakfast.

I don't feel good about this.

But I've felt a lot
worse in the past.

Carla, honey, I'm sorry!

That wasn't
funny, Sammy!

Have you got the body?

Yes. Now pull us up.

All right. Here we come.

Here we go.

I see you.

What are you doing, Sam?

Ooh!

(Carla screams, loud thud)

Nothing. Nothing. Why?

I need a bandage
for Mr. Clavin.

He pricked his finger
sewing my button on,

and he's being a
real baby about it.

Apparently, his mother

used to tell him bedtime
stories about gangrene.

Carla!

SAM:
Honey!
No, no, no!

I'm not listening.

Roger, please!

I'm a psychiatrist.
You're a minister.

We're both professional men.

We're in the business
of helping people.

Don't make me hit you!

I am not going
near that wedding.

Oh, Sam, I give up.

I've tried every
known therapy.

This man is beyond the help
of medical science.

I don't
understand this.

I mean, he, he was perfectly
happy when he was drunk.

Calling Dr. Daniels.

Dr. Jack Daniels.

Carla?! Sweetheart, I'm sorry.

You are a dead
man, Malone.

I'm sorry, honey.

I-I'm gonna pull you
up right now.

Hey, you want to give
me a hand here, Norm?

No, no, no, no.

With the body.

I gotta get the minister
into the wine closet.

You know, this guy
didn't move around

that much when
he was alive.

I'm sorry,
sweetheart.

Oh, no, no,
don't apologize, Sam.

Your dropping me was funny,

and then the second time
was hysterical.

Then this third time,
I said to myself...

(yelling)

(screaming)

(thud)
Sie dort!

Ich habe Dich gewart.

Nun wirst Du
dafuer bezahlen!

No, no, no. Frasier,
do you speak German?

Ich werde dich wie ein
gefeseltes Schwein multilieren.

Well, I picked up a
smattering during med school,

but it's been so long.

I did recognize the
word "mutilate," though.

Das ist nicht Alles was
ich abschlagen werde.

He speaks too fast
for me, Sam,

but I can tell you this--
he's clearly insane.

Good with a
sword, though.

Tell him I didn't
touch his wife.

Bitte.

Es ist ein, er, Fehler.

Dieser ist der
falsche Mann.

Der falsche Mann?
Yah.

Oh, good. Now, please tell him
to put his sword away.

Er ist unschuldig.

Tut ihm nicht weh.

Oh. Oh. Thank you, Frasier.

Whew! Boy, I tell you,

I thought I was
a dead man for sure.

Du Schmutiziges Schwin!

No. No, no, no.

These are mine.
Yeah, yeah, see I, uh...

surgical condition--
poor circulation.

Yeah, oh, oh, that
feels much better.

You know, actually, uh,
that does feel better.

(howling laughter)

Er ist bestimmt
der falsche Mann.

Er ist ein "Poofter."

(all laughing)

Well, I tried to tell you.

Ein "Poofter."

Hoert Alle, der beste Mann
ist ein "Poofter..."

(guffawing)

Ich bein "Poofter."

Ein "Poofter!"

(laughing)

What's a Poofter
mean, anyway?

Well, it means you'll
never have to worry

about the German draft board.

Oh, Lord. At the very least,

I thought I
was gonna get

the living daylights
kicked out of me.

The night is young.

Ooh!

(screams, thud)

Sammy, you're gonna
have to let her

out of there sooner or later.

Yeah, yeah, later.
Much, much later.

For crying out loud.
$72 million

and they can't afford
a bottle of Bactine.

I tell you,

if I lose this finger,

this house and everything in it
is gonna belong to me.

Just remind me

to call my attorney
after the wedding, all right?

Wedding? I love weddings.

Oh...

Well, in that case,

how would you like
to perform the ceremony?

I can do better than that.

I will perform the ceremony!

So, where's Woody, anyway?

Oh, he's upstairs
with Kelly. Yeah.

I-I was beginning to feel
like a third wheel. Yeah.

Do you want to give
me a hand here?

Why are we the only people
who find that funny?

Well, all right, Roger,
shall we get going there?

Mm.

Not so fast!

Can't I get a chance
to kiss the bride?

No, no. Not now.

Plenty of time for that
after the wedding.

Yeah. Y-You know, I,
I'm somewhat sloshed.

Yes, well, it'll be
our little secret.

Yes, you're right.

ROGER:
Black coffee.

Quick. I need a blindfold
and three sharp cleavers.

Lilith, you don't need that.

The wedding's about to begin.

Like hell. Not before
my big finish.

Okay. Looks like we're all set.

Where's Woody, anyway?

Oh, God. He's
upstairs with Kelly

working up another smile.
What?

Finally, we seem to be ready
to start the wedding.

I'll go upstairs and get Kelly.

Oh, no, no,
no. Mr. Gaines.

Right, Sam, and you
get Woody. Let's do it.

All right now,
you go upstairs,

Mr. Gaines, to
Kelly's room!!

Sam, please. You're yelling
loud enough to wake the dead.

Oh, yeah, if only I could.

Do you think
there's any way

for him to get out
of that bedroom?

Yeah, he could
always jump

out the window and
come to the back door.

(fumbling at door)

Oh, cool. Maybe this is him.

(dogs whining)

Whew!

I wonder what put the
fear into those dogs?

Oh, Mayday...

It's payday!

No, no, no, honey,
please, sweetheart...

You stand still
and take it like a man.

No, no, I never
fight with women,

especially one
who could cream me.

Baby, let's stop it.

You've just finished
icing the cake.

Someone could get
hurt by accident.

It won't be an accident!

No. Please. No,
Carla don't. Carla.

Please. I need help.

Attention everyone.
Here comes the bride.

Oh! Oh, Mr. Gaines,
you must be so proud.

Woody, that was close.

Boy, now I'm really gonna
have to marry her today.

Okay, buddy. You ready
to go out there?

I'm ready, Sam.

All right.
Here we go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wood, before you
go out there...

Listen, there's something

I'd like to give
you that...

well, I wish that someone had
given to me on my wedding day.

Cliffy, you want
to hold him, please?

No, no, no. Whoo!

No, it's okay,
Mr. Peterson.

I really love her.

Okay, Wood, just don't come

complaining to me
in about ten years.

Although you will know
where to find me, won't you?

Turn around here.

Oh, man, I'm so
proud of you.

Oh, thanks, Sam.
Thank you very much.

Come on. Come on.

You see, Carla?

You were wrong.

Oh, sure, it could have
turned out to be a disaster,

but we all worked together
and we got everything done.

You know what?

I think this wedding's
gonna turn out just fine.

Just fine.

("Wedding March" playing)