All language subtitles for Carter s02e09 Harley Doesnt Get His Man.eng

The first time I came to this place,

I wondered how a place so beautiful,

so perfect could make me so sad.

Eventually I figured out it,

it's because I had no
one to share it with.

I feel like I know you so well,
but I don't know you at all.

Tuesday can't come soon enough.

(WHOOSHING SOUND EFFECT ON PHONE)

(LOON CALLING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

MAN (IN DISTANCE:) Drop it! Drop it!

Oh my God. No! No! No!

(SCREAMING)

Guy out with his metal detector
this morning found the body.

Metal detector guy check out?

Oh, yeah. Barn Phillips...

he splits his leisure time
between metal detecting

and blackout drinking.

Is he known to get violent
on his way to blackout?

Sir, the only thing that Barn
is murdering is his liver.

Okay, Shaw...

SAM: Yeah.

What's it going to take to get
you to stop calling me "sir"?

Well, you could step down,

make me the chief, that would do it.

I cannot, in good conscience,

turn over the reins to
someone who hasn't taken

their marksmanship recertification test.

- That this week?
- This week is the last week, yes.

There are slots Wednesday
at six, Thursday at eight.

Actually, I'm going in tonight at nine.

What times work for you?

Uh, Thursday at eight, you said,

and Wednesday at six... I mean, I...

come to think of it, I could...
I could probably do tonight.

Yeah, I could... I can
make that work. Yup.

Great. Tonight.

I'll book us in.

Great.

SAM: What do we got?

Male, mid-to-late twenties.

Initial examination shows evidence

of blunt force trauma
to the back of the head.

Identification?

Not yet.

We did find a cell
phone a few feet away,

but we haven't been
able to unlock it yet.

No other ID on him,

I did find something
interesting, though.

More interesting than
a bubble-wrapped body?

About even, I'd say.

Um, you know, some people
have this weird fetish

where they... they need
to pop these things.

Not me, but some...

(POPPING)

See, I can stop at one.

Mm-hmm.

- Wes?
- (CLEARING THROAT)

I found this tucked into
the waistband of his jeans.

- Calling card?
- You think?

BOYLE: I don't know,
but if it's calling card,

it could indicate more to come.

Yeah, more we haven't found
yet. Could we take a look?

I was just waiting for
you two. Little help?

SAM: Well, I don't recognize him.

We're gonna have to get into that phone.

(POPPING)

I don't feel good about that one.

(SIGHING)

- You know what surprises me?
- What?

That we walked into a
genuinely interesting mystery

and there's no sign of Harley Carter.

Well, if it's as
interesting as you say it is,

he will be up to his neck
in it by the second act.

Yeah, you're starting to talk like him.

Oh, I know.

(CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, is that little girl
still giving me the stink eye?

DAVE: Oh, yeah. Big time.

Yeah, well, tough. I
got to this horse first,

I won it fair and square.

Hey, not that I don't
love getting chicken pox,

but, uh, is there a reason
why we're here right now?

I got a message last night

on one of the Call
Carter message boards

from a potential client
saying to meet him here.

It was signed "Precocious
Eight-year-old."

Could be any one of these people.

I'm thinking maybe the
red-haired kid back there.

He looks a little suspicious.

The one that's eating his snot?

- Are you kidding me? There's no way.
- Shh, be cool. Be cool. Be cool.

VOICE: Psst.

Hey, did we just get "psst-ed" at?

Ah! Hey!

- HARLEY: It's Vijay!
- Hey, guys!

Vijay, when did you get back into town?

Yesterday!

Why didn't you call us?

WOMAN: Hey, you can't do that!

Hey. I did, I sent you a note.

I'm the Precocious eight-year-old.

- You're the client?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Hop on horse, man! Come on!
- Let's go.

That's a very bad
idea. Can you stop this?

Sorry, buddy. Harley
paid for a whole hour.

I'm just surprisingly unfit.

Take my hand!

(GRUNTING, THUDDING) Ouch!

Ow.

- Why all the secrecy?
- It's bad.

- It's really bad.
- Well, how bad can it be?

Well, try Call Carter
episode 308 kind of bad.

You killed Jeff Probst the
host of Survivor?

Was that episode 308? No, no.

What was the one where Blake
Shelton falls in love online,

then is falsely accused of killing her?

You fell in love with
someone who's now dead?

No, no, no, no, and maybe.

You know how I monitor the
Call Carter message boards?

- Of course. Who doesn't?
- I don't.

Well, there was this one
guy I was talking to...

@jitterjuicejoe and that one night,

well, it turned into two nights...

Oh, you fell in love online.

I don't know. I've never
done anything like this before

and he was special. Yeah,
and he was from Bishop,

unlike the fakes and
flakes in Hollywood.

So, yeah, I got my hopes up.

And I hopped on a plane yesterday

and we were supposed to meet last night,

but, um... he didn't show up.

And then, you found him dead?

No, I didn't find him at all!

I don't know his name.
He was @jitterjuicejoe

and I was always @BrownSugar.

If anything happened to him,

@BrownSugar's gonna
be all over his phone.

No, no, not exactly.

When we finally got around
to exchanging photos,

I sent him a photo of you and I
at Mo Better Meaty Meat Burgers.

You know, the one where
I had perfect hair.

I remember it. You looked
amazing. What's your point?

Well, he looked at the
picture and got confused.

Oh my God. He thought he was
flirting with Harley Carter

- on the message boards.
- Yeah.

You tricked someone into
falling in love with me?

- 'Cause that's Harley's job.
- I liked him so much,

I didn't want to tell him the truth.

If you like someone that much,

that's exactly when you're
supposed to tell them the truth.

I know, I know. And
now he's gonna hate me.

And either he's dead or not,
I don't know, but I'm gonna be

accused of murder and
I don't know what to do!

I'm freaking out right now, Harley!

Just calm down, Vijay. Calm down.

Yeah. Okay, can I be this guy?

Do you think maybe it's possible

that this is just a case of
he's just not that into you

and you got ghosted?

- (LAUGHING) Oh, Dave, come on.
- What?

The guy thought he was meeting me.

Of course he's gonna show up.

Come back when you have
something that's useful.

Vijay, don't worry.

We'll find this guy and he'll be fine.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You think we're gonna
let anything happen

to the man who loves me?

- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Hey, Dot, Vijay's gonna crash
with us for a little while.

He's gonna sleep on the couch.

Or I could get your old crib.

Well, I'm taller than you.

I'm only three feet tall,
so I wouldn't sound so proud.

Dave Leigh,

I need to speak to you for a second.

Oh... Dave's in trouble.

Nah, she's all bark.

- DOT: David! Now!
- Okay.

All right, Vijay, tell
me whether you know

about @jitterjuicejoe, and
don't say he's wonderful

'cause there's a million
Mr. Wonderfuls out there,

no one's ever gonna hook up with them.

Job?

Yes, but I don't know what it is.

Okay. Family?

I know he has a mom.

Thank you. That narrows it down

to the entire human race.

What did you two talk about?

Everything. Yeah, I
know his favourite song,

it's "Mr. Blue Sky."
I know he loves his dad,

but doesn't know whether he likes him.

I know he wants to make
his mark on the world,

but also hates that he wants
to make his mark on the world.

I know tons!

Come on, I need real clues here.

Think.

- He sent me a video from his apartment.
- Let's go.

Hey, uh, can you keep
the cops out of this?

- Why?
- Because if something did happen,

I'd be the number one suspect.

No. I would be the number one suspect.

Thank you for that.

Yeah, for like two seconds, then
it'd be all Vijay, all the time.

And then, the agency will
find out I'm not in Aspen,

pitching Topher Grace
and they will fire me.

You have to promise no police,
a Harley Carter promise.

I promise.

Okay.

All right, let's see this.

It isn't much, but it's home.

I haven't let anyone inside since Mark,

but I... I think I'm ready, so come over.

I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

Bye.

- Who's Mark?
- Uh, his last boyfriend.

Yeah, he, uh... he broke
Jitterjuicejoe's heart.

You didn't think last boyfriend

was more important than "Mr. Blue Sky"?

Now, we watch it again.

It isn't much, but...

Yeah, I'd be happy to
drive you into town,

but what's wrong with your car?

I might need a getaway driver.

Uh, we're not robbing any banks, are we?

'Cause fool me once...

I just need someone
and it can't be Harley.

Will you do it?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

But you didn't say we're
not robbing any banks.

Hey, where are you going?

DOT: I don't answer to you!

Sam?

They unlocked this phone we
found near the crime scene.

Anything interesting? I'm gonna say yes.

Uh, it belongs to a
guy named Ben Lyndecker.

Should I know that name?

Maybe. Can I read you a text?

- Yeah.
- "I can't swim,

but I'm ready to drown in you."

It's a little cheesy, but
the sentiments are lovely.

Point, please?

There's tons of these and they're all...

from Harley Carter,

who sometimes calls himself @BrownSugar.

What?

"You're a mystery I look
forward to solving." Eww!

Harley?!

Are you messing with me?

- No.
- No.

(GASPING)

Oh, well, that was just...

that was more graphic
than I had expected.

- HARLEY: I know where @jitterjuicejoe lives.
- VIJAY: How?

You would know too, if you
weren't just pretending to be me.

You see, you watch this video
with only one of your senses.

I watched with all five
of mine and a sixth sense

that I haven't come up
with a cool name for yet.

Okay, first things first, that...

- (CLANKING)
- ... that's a garbage truck.

By the timecode, we can
see this video was taken

on a Tuesday morning.

So, we look up what
neighbourhoods in Bishop

that gets its garbage
picked-up on Tuesday morning.

Next up, you hear that?

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

- An elevator.
- Right. So, what are we looking for?

VIJAY: Apartment building. Nice.

Now, look at the coffee mug.

It says "Phil's Fuels." There
are three Phil's Fuels in Bishop,

but one in a neighbourhood

that gets its garbage picked
up on Tuesdays mornings.

- Okay. I'm impressed.
- I'm not done.

See the light coming through the window?

Now, this church steeple
across the street,

the light gets blocked
only on the first floors,

so, we're looking at the second
floor, but I already knew that.

What? How?

Look at your boy.

On the windowsill, right in back of him?

All right, let's go in
and see if anyone's home.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait. What if I'm wrong?

What if he found out I'm not you

and Dave's right and
I'm just being ghosted?

Vijay, whatever we find up
there is gonna to be the truth

or at least get us one
step closer to the truth,

and that's always a good thing.

No, no. That's easy for you
to say 'cause you're you.

Being Harley Carter is only two
thirds amazing natural ability

and one third having the confidence

in that amazing natural ability.

You know what, Vijay? Show
me your confident walk.

Come on, do it.

Yes. Work. Supermodel walking.

Yes! Confidence, here we go. Keep going.

Vijay are you trying to
seduce me? 'Cause it's working!

Sashay. Chante.

Vijay, come!

What?

Okay, now that we're in, how do
we get inside Ben's apartment?

Vijay, you mistake me
for a man with a plan.

That's Matt Leblanc.

I never go in prepared,
there's no fun in that.

Things and people always have
a way of revealing themselves.

Oh, hey. See what I'm talking about?

Ma'am, Ma'am... I am...

- Hi.
- Harley Carter, I know who you are,

and I know why you're here.

I know all about you because
Ben's told me all about you.

Oh. All good things I hope.

Otherwise, I hope you don't
have a Twitter account.

This is my good buddy. He
may have killed someone.

No.

Are you here to see Ben? Because
I haven't seen him lately.

Maybe for a couple
days. I'm the neighbour.

I'm Roz. I'm always around here.

I know, kind of like a
character in a TV show, huh?

No, no, no. Those character
are always annoying,

you know, crazy, statement
jewellery, that's not you.

Any idea where we might find Ben?

Well, I thought that he was with you

because he told me you had a date.

He's a good boy, so please
don't play with his heart.

Oh, yeah, I'll be kind to
him. I'm a very generous lover.

We were supposed to meet
up, but he never showed

and now I'm worried.

Well, tell you what, I water
his plants when he's away,

so I do have a key.

Whoa. It's perfect. Nice.

Feels so weird being in your
potential boyfriend's house

before you've met your actual boyfriend.

- It's perfect.
- (BEEPING)

(SNIFFING) What is that ungodly smell?

Yeah, and the beeping.

(BEEPING)

It's an alarm clock.

The lessons continue.
What does that tell us?

The snooze button's broken.

I don't know. Wait, where are you going?

HARLEY: I am following my nose

to the source of that remarkable smell.

- (WATER SLOSHING)
- Ugh.

Ooh.

This was in the sink.

Probably put in there to thaw.
I'd say it's a little past due.

This is the apartment of someone
who 100% was meant to come home.

But didn't.

(PHONE RINGING)

No, no, no. Dude,
don't... don't answer that.

(PHONE RINGING)

(IN GERMAN ACCENT:) Hello?

This is Detective Sam
Shaw from Bishop P.D.

Am I speaking with Ben Lyndecker?

No, this is the Leif Gunterbloom.

I am a travel writer,

writing about the
topiaries here in Bishop.

Harley. What is going on?

Man! What gave me away?

Was it the topiaries? Little too quirky.

Why are you answering Ben
Lyndecker's phone? Put him on.

Um, he's not home right now.

Then why are you doing in his apartment?

And Harley, that is the first
of many questions I have for you.

Um, maybe I should come down.

- Maybe?!
- Oh.

Okay, you can't tell her I'm
here. Okay? You made a promise.

I'll try to. You stay
here in case he shows up.

Wait, wait, no. What if he does show up?

I don't know what to say!

Also, this is not the outfit
I pictured myself wearing.

We don't have time to buy you
a fireman's outfit right now.

We want him to show
up, it means he's alive.

I know, but I don't
know what... Harley...

You're gonna do great.
Just don't touch anything.

(SIGHING)

Hi, Ben. Hey, Vijay here.

I know. I know.

I know. I'd be disappointed too.

(SIGHING)

Whoa...

Oh, crap.

You think you can just drag me
in here, rake me over the coals

and treat me like I'm
some two-bit hoodlum?

Like we haven't had a history, Sam?

Harley, you were the one who
insisted on doing this in here.

I was perfectly fine at my desk.

I just wanted to see what it was
like on this side of the table.

Wow, it's a whole different energy!

You know? I never get cast as criminals.

I guess it's the dimples

Harley, Ben Lyndecker's phone
was found at a crime scene,

- near a body.
- A body?

We're 100% sure it was not Ben's body?

Yes, but there could be a connection

between that body and this phone.

Can I see the body?

No, but you can see the phone

because there are tons of gushingly

romantic texts from you.

"We haven't even met and
I feel like you know me

better than most of
my so-called friends.

Like you see the real me,

the version that I hope to be."

- I didn't write that.
- I know.

I called Ben's work.

They haven't seen him in three days.

They are very worried.

There is clearly a connection

between the body at the
beach and your missing person.

So, Harley, no more games.

Your client could be that connection.

He isn't.

(DOOR OPENING) VIJAY: I'm the client.

SAM: Vijay, what...

what the hell is going on?

I'm @BrownSugar.

Well, technically, I am @BrownSugar.

Ben Lyndecker and I were
sort of pre-dating online.

But there was some confusion
and he thought that I was Harley.

And you didn't correct him.

I messed up, yes. But we
were supposed to meet up

and I was going to come
clean, but he never showed.

Well, his phone was
found beside a dead body.

Not Ben's body.

But we need to know
everything that you know.

Well, that's why I'm here.
I think I have a suspect.

I found this.

It's a restraining order filed
by Ben against a Mark Turner.

- The ex-boyfriend.
- Apparently,

but he never said anything
about a restraining order.

Okay. Well, I need to run this,

find out who and where
this guy is. This is good.

Stay close. This might
be the break that we need.

Oh, Vijay, I'm glad you met someone.

Well, technically, I met someone,
but yeah, congrats, Vijay.

Hey, so, uh, what do we do now?

We don't do anything. I am
going back to the apartment.

You are going to my house to relax.

Relax?! How?!

(DAVE EXHALING SHARPLY)

DAVE: Okay, we're here.

Now, can you tell me why?

You cannot tell this to Harley. Promise.

Okay. I promise.

I'm having coffee with a man.

Don't say anything!

It's too early. I can't do this. Drive.

- (ENGINE STARTING)
- Stop.

This is ridiculous. I'm a young woman,

and this is what Koji would
have wanted. He told me so.

I need adult, human conversation.

I can't sit at home,
listening to you and Harley

argue about Pizza Pockets
vs. Hot Pockets every night.

So, a person showed me how to
use an online dating service.

I was only on for one day and
someone asked me for a coffee

because, obviously, I'm hot stuff.

I let him dangle for two weeks,

but last night...

I said yes.

I think this is the right thing to do,

and then I think about
Harley finding out

and I think it's the wrong thing to do.

Dot, Dot, Dot, it's
just coffee! That's it.

You deserve to real conversation
and connecting with someone.

And... I'm proud of you for this.

And everybody knows it's all
about the Hot Pockets, okay?

End of debate. Now, go. Get out of here.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Wait for a minute just
in case he's a psycho.

(CHUCKLING) Like you
can't handle a psycho.

True. Go.

Yeah. Okay.

(EXHALING SHARPLY)

- Oh.
- Hey.

Something's really happening
and you're investigating,

and I know exactly what you're thinking.

I'd love to know what I'm thinking.

You're thinking, "Oh, yeah, here she is,

the nosy neighbour, huh,

pretending to ask all
the innocent questions,

but really she knows something

and she's asking questions
to figure out what you know."

I honestly wasn't thinking that.

But now you are. And the longer I talk,

the more suspicious it seems.

And now, if I say I don't know anything,

it's really going to look
like I know something.

And, hey, how 'bout me

having the key to Ben's
apartment at the ready?

Huh? You think I did it, don't you?

- Did what?
- Whatever it is you think I did.

Hey. Remember when you said

you're like the neighbour down
the hall in all those TV shows?

Not true. You've already
had way too many lines.

Those people don't never
get this much screen time.

Thank you.

(PHONE RINGING)

VIJAY: Hello?

Hey, Vijay, when you were here,

you didn't happen to leave
a gun on the table, did you?

Gun? What? No. Of course not.

And I would tell you.

Did you take a bath in my tub?

You told me to relax!
And how did you know?

Either swapped faces with John Travolta

or you're wearing my
Brazilian mahogany nut

skin conditioning mask.

You know how expensive those things are?

Okay, now that is crazy.
How could you possibly...

Because I'm a detective and the
way you said the word "relax",

it sounded like your face was in a vice.

Can you tell me what
I'm doing right now?

- Uh...
- No, you can't,

because you only have five senses!

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Hey.

- I know who you are.
- Harley Carter.

You're in that root
beer commercial, right?

Roobidoo's Root Beer. The
Cadillac of root beers.

Cadillac of root beers, yeah.

Who are you?

Dennis. Dennis.

I'm a real... real,
real old friend of Ben's.

And I heard he might be in trouble,

so I wanted to come
by, see if I could help.

Yeah, same here, same here.

This is great. Two heads
are better than one.

You search that side of the apartment

I'll search this side.

Sure.

- Thanks, Mark.
- Yep.

Oh. Made you look.

Are you under the impression

that I walked into your trap?

Okay. Hey, hey, hey.

Take it easy, okay?

I'm not much of a shot,

but six feet isn't much of a distance.

Yeah, but what would
you say if I told you

there are no bullets in that gun?

I would ask you why...

why did you bring a gun
that didn't have bullets?

Because I... I was trying to scare you.

Away from Ben.

I'm trying to help Ben.

By getting into his pants?

(CHUCKLING) I have zero interest

in the contents of Ben's slacks.

Hey, listen, man.

Easy. I have a sixth sense, okay?

I call it my "Harley Sense-o-Rama."

Huh?

I guess there were bullets in that gun.

Oops.

Damn you, Sense-o-Rama!

What have you done with Ben?!

- What have I done with Ben?!
- ROZ: Oh my!

What have you done with Ben?!

(GRUNTING)

Did I get him? Did I get him?

You gotta stop kicking me!

Oh, well, I don't think I
like that tone very much.

I'm trying to help you,
Harley. But you know what?

I have taken self defence classes.

You just gotta meet me halfway!

Oh, I think I did get
you there. Sorry, Harley.

(SCREAMING) He's biting me!

That's exactly what I
learned in self defence.

Just call the cops, please!

Oh, yeah.

(SCREAMING)

Come on. Come on.

BOYLE: Look, I'm no Dr.
Phil, but a restraining order

is a very clear signal that
the relationship is over.

Where were you Saturday night?

Oh, you mean when Harley
Carter's goons kidnapped Ben?

- I'm sorry?
- Yeah, I was at the lake that night.

- Stalking Ben.
- I was protecting Ben,

because I knew he got involved

with this Hollywood sleazoid guy.

And to be honest with you,
I'm the one who loves Ben.

Let's get back to these goons.

Two guys.

It was dark, okay, I couldn't hear them,

but I... I heard Ben scream.

And then, I heard a scuffle.

And you didn't even try to stop them

from taking the man you "love"?

Excuse me? It all
happened so fast. Okay?

And to be honest with you, that
is exactly why I bought a gun,

'cause I could rescue Ben.

His story stinks. Your
story stinks, Mark.

We know something happened at the lake

and my money is on you being
in the middle of it. Refalski!

I want you to take this guy away

and let him think about
the error of his ways.

We'll talk to him again when
he's got his story straight.

You can't do that because I
actually didn't do anything.

Are you kidding me?

- Illegal possession of a firearm.
- Violation of a restraining order.

And you messed with someone on my list.

You do not get to walk away from that.

- Get him out of here.
- You don't know love!

Sorry.

It's hard for me to maintain
my neutral with that guy.

Yeah, well, I'll, uh,

make sure that I don't mess
with anyone on your list.

What makes you think
you're not on my list?

- Hey.
- Hey.

You heard all that?

- I... I don't think he did it.
- Mark?

He's insane, but his
insane logic tracks.

When we were fighting he
was convinced that I had Ben.

So, we have just two mystery voices.

Not just. Wes just texted.

He's got a lead on the bubble
wrap from your body by the lake.

SAM: What were they
doing in a box factory?

They actually wrapped the body
in a clue to the crime scene.

Yeah, I think we can eliminate

criminal masterminds
off of our suspect list.

They jimmied the back door,

so they knew this place was abandoned.

Oh!

Bubble wrap.

Ah, Sam, you remember this place?

Oh, yeah.

We used to have all our
marching band after parties here.

- (HARLEY POPPING BUBBLE)
- Don't do that.

You were in a marching band?

Yeah. It was a thing.

Nobody parties like a marching band.

Full disclosure... and this
doesn't leave this room...

three years of figure skating.

Mom had a dream.

So, if you need a grown ass black
man to do a triple Lutz, I'm your guy.

Chief Yamaguchi.

Anyone here play Texas Hold'em?

I will play with you, I
just won't play with her.

Once in a while I get lucky.

Yeah, well I'm not too shabby myself.

I will gladly lose $500
to watch you lose $500.

Shaw, what do you see?

I see, these two folded early...

Serious pot and why wouldn't it be?

Got a two and three of
diamonds on the flop.

Six of diamonds on the river.

Anybody with a diamond
is riding this one down.

Well, this guy was bluffing hard.

This would be the dealer...

Two pair. Jacks over fours.

All these diamonds floating
around on the table,

and he's sticking in it with two pair?

Here it is. Four of diamonds.

Harley, the body that we found
had a five of diamonds on it.

What?

(POPPING BUBBLE WRAP)

Sorry, I just wanted to do
that for dramatic effect.

So, the guy has a five
of diamonds in his pocket

hoping to draw a straight flush?

Nah, that's a one in a million shot.

But if the dealer is cheating,
he palms the five of diamonds

to keep the straight flush
out of the opponent's hand.

- Nice!
- I told you I played cards.

- HARLEY: And figure skated.
- And I am a detective.

Try playing one on TV.

SAM: Except the cheater
got caught cheating.

This guy reached across the table,

knocking over this beer...

Drunken shoving dude match ensues.

Dealer dies from blunt
force trauma to the head.

How does this tie to Ben Lyndecker?

I mean, yeah, on a Saturday,
but it can't be a coincidence.

Yeah, well, maybe the prints
in here will turn up something.

So, what's our next move?

I'm gonna go take another
look at Ben Lyndecker's phone.

My Harley Sense-o-Rama is tingling.

(POPPING)

I feel like I know you so well,
but I don't know you at all.

Tuesday cannot come soon enough.

What's your sixth sense saying?

Telling you to let me
concentrate on this.

Why didn't you tell me you
were single ready to mingle?

I... uh, because I
didn't think you cared.

I know a guy who likes guys like you.

Oh, he likes Indian guys.

No, he likes guys he can lift up.

You know, like a doll.

HARLEY: Button up for a sec,

'cause I think I just found something

that's gonna crack this case wide open!

This is the last selfie that Ben took.

- So?
- No. He's alive. Well, I mean, the photo is live.

I present to you our
missing poker players.

We were looking for a
connection when there wasn't one.

Ben was just in the wrong
place at the wrong time.

He saw them with the dead dealer.

So, they grabbed him.

We pulled a ton of prints
from the poker game.

No matches. These guys
might be first timers.

If they're not stone cold killers,

it means there's still a chance,

just a chance that Ben is
more than just a live photo.

Sam, I've got the tiniest
little bell ringing in my head.

Do you recognize them?

Something is on the tip of my brain.

Who are you guys?

You killed him and we
were wasted at the time.

So, let's get wasted and do it again.

(MUFFLED PLEADING)

My boyfriend is looking for me.

Let him look. Last I
checked, it's a big world.

My boyfriend is Harley Carter.

Do you know who Harley Carter is?

Yeah, yeah. We know Harley Carter.

Yeah, he's one of the
world's greatest detectives.

We are not fans.

Well, he is real and
he is coming for me.

You know what's real? Is that
Harley Carter is the richest

detective in the world.

Ted, Ted, Ted, Ted.

Harley Carter probably
has, like, fifty grand

in his pants pocket at all times.

We get that money and we
don't have to kill anybody.

We could just take off to, uh...

Vegas, huh? Penthouse suite at Caesar's?

Vegas. Oh, man, just make
the reservation right now.

(LAUGHING)

- And if that doesn't work.
- Yeah?

Well, then we'll kill him.

No, no. This whole Topher
Grace thing is news to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I
never noticed his ears.

But, look, I... I, yeah, I'm
just sticking around here to

develop a movie idea. Yeah, with Harley.

It's... it's very
modern, very Catfish-ey.

We are hoping for a happy ending, but...

You're not Harley Carter.

No, no. I'm his agent.

Perfect. We want you to
negotiate a deal for us.

I think we can do it the
easy way or the hard way.

What's the hard way, Dougie?

- I hit him?
- No. No.

Dot came home, found the door
open and the place like this.

Your friend put up a real fight.

SAM: There's blood here.

Not much, but all things considered.

Not much is too much.

What's this?

"If you ever want to see your
agent or your boyfriend again,

get eight hundred thousand
dollars cash together

by end of day tomorrow.
We'll be in touch."

You will find Vijay,
you will rescue Vijay,

and then you will be
best man at his wedding.

(STRUGGLING)

This is really hard.

Okay, okay, okay.

Yes, yes. Okay.

Who are you?

I'm Vijay Gill! I'm here to rescue you.

Oh, Carter sent you?

No, not exactly.

Uh, okay, I'm just
gonna come out with it.

I'm Harley Carter.

Well, I'm your Harley Carter.

I'm obviously not the
Harley Carter, but okay,

you know, online, on the message boards?

That's me. Not Harley. Me. Vijay Gill.

Okay, it feels so good
to make that clear.

Uh... okay.

I know you think that
made sense but it didn't.

I'm @BrownSugar.

No, no, no, no. Harley
Carter is @BrownSugar.

No, no. When we were
exchanging photos, you and I,

I sent you a photo of
me with Harley Carter,

but you thought it was Harley Carter

and I didn't correct you because
I liked what was happening

and I didn't want it to end.

So, all of this was
you. Never Harley Carter?

I'm sorry.

Why would you do this? Huh?
Why wouldn't you say anything?

Because would you have
talked to me if I did?

So, Harley's not coming to rescue me?

No, no, he is. We just have to help him.

How?

By using my sixth
sense. My Vijay-vision.

Your... What?

The desktop! Okay,
can send Harley a flare

through the message boards.

Okay, okay.

VIJAY: Okay, we just gotta.

Okay. Okay, great. Yes, okay.

Just come on, come on, come on.

Yes, team! Okay, okay.

Now, we just have to
hunt and peck a message.

I can't get my hands free.

No, no, no, we have
to peck with our beaks.

Huh? Okay?

Okay, okay. I almost
got it. Almost got it.

Okay, I got it, I got it.
Okay, now, just type in C.

Okay.

A.

Okay.

R.

Okay. T, T, T.

He just typed everything that he saw.

"Hootie and the Blowfish
poster." Not helpful.

"Singing fish." That's
every other house up here.

"Some pants?" Come on, Vijay!

Some pants?

"T-shirt with rogs '97 and yellow eyes."

- That's it!
- That's what?

Dot! Hey, Dot. Where is
our yearbook from '97?

Refalski!

Refalski, why are you
reading our yearbook?

I was just dusting it for prints.

I was looking for embarrassing
pictures to sell online.

Vijay could only see
part of the T-shirt.

Bullfrogs '97. Big yellow eye.

Bishop Bullfrogs. Our
high school football team.

'97? We went to school with these guys?

DAVE: Oh, my God. There
it is. The marching band.

(LAUGHING)

BOYLE: You played clarinet?

Yeah, well, you were a figure skater.

Yeah, we're gonna need
to see those pictures.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, do you remember why we
partied at that old plant?

Ted Greesly's dad owned
the place and Ted had a key.

Yeah. Okay. There's Dave with
no facial hair, aw, there's Sam.

Aw, look, it's so cute.
There's me. I still got it.

And there is Ted Greesly.

- So?
- Who was that guy Ted always hung out with?

Um, uh...

Dougie Lasseter.

We're gonna need to
get an address on him.

- On it.
- I'll alert tactical.

Come on, Vijay. Hang in there.

(KNOCKING)

Mrs. Lasseter? Hi. Harley Carter.

I went to high school
with your son. Is he home?

Harley Carter! How tall you've gotten.

You used to be heavier and
you had amazing dimples.

Well, I still got the dimples.
It's why I never play bad guys.

Uh, Dougie's in the, um, in
the garage with his friend Ted.

Should I let them know you're here?

Oh, no, no, no.

Is it okay if we surprise them?

Oh, sure, yes. Dougie loves surprises!

Not sure how he's going
to feel about this one.

We are go! Go, go, go.

Oh, should I show them
where Dougie's playroom is?

You know what? If they get
lost, I'm sure they'll ask.

Clear.

Hey, Dougie. Ted.

Go Bullfrogs.

You guys look really good.

BOTH: Thank you.

So, you guys are into murder now.

Hey, uh, Harley?

Oh, look who it is. Ben Lyndecker.

What an honour to meet
you. I am Harley Carter.

Oh, it's nice to meet you, too.

Oh, actually, you might also
know me as Blanco Azucar,

aka, White Sugar.

Yeah, Vijay explained
the whole thing to me.

The whole lie.

I know. I messed up, okay?
But I'm very, very glad

that you're okay, and...

Vijay didn't mean to trick you.
Look, he's a socially awkward

leprechaun of a man, but
he is one of six people

I would trust to have my
back anytime, anywhere.

Plus, he fought for you.
I mean, literally fought...

Forgetting about the
Harley Carter thing for

just a minute, because I was
already in before that photo.

That face, that body,
that was just bonus.

Yeah, thank you. I've been
hitting the gym a lot lately,

just trying to maintain,
although my calf raises

are yielding diminishing returns.

Jesus, how into yourself are you?

I'm pretty into myself.

Yeah, Vijay?

Yeah?

How much of what you
wrote was actually true?

All of it. Every word.

HARLEY: Dot.

I know about your date with Terrence.

Dave Leigh caved on me? Ugh.

Dave didn't say anything. I
don't know if you've noticed,

but I am a bona fide P.I. now,
but the real reason is you.

You've changed.

I mean, yes, you still have perma-scowl,

and everyone in town is afraid of you,

but you seem happier.

You really like this Terrence dude, huh?

He's okay. He has a daughter
who lives in New Orleans

that he visits at Christmas.

One date and he invited
you to New Orleans?

(SCOFFING) I invited myself.

You're not the only one
with a very smart gut.

And besides, I like crawfish.

Alright, Dot. I approve.

Oh, sorry.

We have an unknown number
of perps and an officer down.

You ready for this?

Go! Go! Go!

Three perps!

Two perps!

Take cover.

Man down.

Two at your twelve.

(BUZZER SOUNDING)

Time.

How'd I do?

Adequate.

Did I beat you?

Hey, it's not a competition.

I see you've been putting
in your hours, haven't you?

No, no. This is my first time.

I'm a... I'm a natural.

Yeah. Yeah, that you are.

And you are wasted here.

I bet you say that to
all the girls who hand you

your ass on the range.

You do remember that
I'm your boss, right?

Yeah, we've gone over that, like,

two or three hundred times.

So, is it safe to say that
I'm reading the signals right?

You're a really slow reader.

I should go home.

Yeah. Yeah, I think you should.

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