Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,309 --> 00:00:07,224
Good evening,
I'm MayKay Bueller.
2
00:00:07,268 --> 00:00:08,356
Our top story tonight...
3
00:00:08,399 --> 00:00:10,271
the rumors are true.
4
00:00:10,314 --> 00:00:12,882
We might be getting a white
Christmas this year, y'all!
5
00:00:12,925 --> 00:00:14,623
Ooh-wee!
6
00:00:14,666 --> 00:00:16,364
TV 12's Big Weathers
has the details.
7
00:00:16,407 --> 00:00:17,974
Uh, Big?
8
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,889
That's right, MayKay,
there might be
9
00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:21,238
the possibility
of a winter storm
10
00:00:21,282 --> 00:00:23,153
any time in the next 12
11
00:00:23,197 --> 00:00:25,199
to 78 hours
12
00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:27,027
or minutes
13
00:00:27,070 --> 00:00:28,985
with estimates of precipitationranging anywhere
14
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,857
from zero to 26 inches.
15
00:00:31,901 --> 00:00:33,163
with the chance of that being
16
00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:35,818
not very to very likely.
17
00:00:35,861 --> 00:00:38,299
Keep us posted, Big,
because as you know,
18
00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:40,257
as much as we southerners
love snow,
19
00:00:40,301 --> 00:00:42,477
we are not used to it.
20
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,827
Can you give us
some pointers, Big?
21
00:00:44,870 --> 00:00:47,177
First things first,
you need supplies.
22
00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:49,136
So get to the grocery store
immediately
23
00:00:49,179 --> 00:00:51,138
to buy bread and milk.
24
00:00:51,181 --> 00:00:54,358
Otherwise you'll freeze
to death and starve, Big.
25
00:00:54,402 --> 00:00:58,145
Next, be on the lookout
for signs of frostbite...
26
00:00:58,188 --> 00:00:59,755
Ooh-wee...
27
00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:01,278
-[MayKay continues moaning]-...whiteouts, and when driving,
28
00:01:01,322 --> 00:01:04,368
always assume
you're on black ice.
29
00:01:04,412 --> 00:01:05,848
The silent killer, Big.
30
00:01:05,891 --> 00:01:08,938
Ooh-wee-wah-wah-woo-woo!
31
00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:10,983
♪
32
00:01:38,968 --> 00:01:40,535
♪
33
00:01:43,886 --> 00:01:46,584
Aw, remember this one?
34
00:01:46,628 --> 00:01:48,325
I never knew Santa
had so many hobbies.
35
00:01:48,369 --> 00:01:49,848
Surfing, fishing--
how does he find time
36
00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:51,328
to do all this stuff?
37
00:01:51,372 --> 00:01:52,764
VIOLET:
I'll tell you how.
38
00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:54,940
Slave labor--
that motorcycle right there?
39
00:01:54,984 --> 00:01:56,942
Built with the tears
of indentured elves.
40
00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:57,987
WAYNE:
Okay!
41
00:01:58,030 --> 00:01:59,206
Everyone get ready.
42
00:01:59,249 --> 00:02:00,729
Here come the lights.
43
00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,426
[electricity crackles]
44
00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:03,427
You call that a tree?
45
00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:05,647
Charlie Brown bullcrap.
46
00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:08,302
Mother... go outside.
47
00:02:08,345 --> 00:02:11,348
♪
48
00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:13,133
What are you doing,
obsessing over some Christmas
49
00:02:13,176 --> 00:02:14,525
that we can't have?
50
00:02:14,569 --> 00:02:16,397
I don't want you
making Violet feel bad
51
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,007
about the Christmas we dohave.
52
00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:19,965
Well, you can try
and wrap your hugs
53
00:02:20,009 --> 00:02:21,706
and put 'em under the tree
or some crap,
54
00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:25,145
but, Jenny, we both know thatlittle girl isn't gonna love you
55
00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:29,105
properly unless you bust herstocking with some fancy gifts.
56
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,585
Well, Louise has been hinting
57
00:02:30,628 --> 00:02:32,456
that she's gonna give us
Christmas bonuses.
58
00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:34,284
Okay, well, don't you worry.
59
00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:36,895
Santa Betty's gonna
provide this year.
60
00:02:36,939 --> 00:02:38,723
Look what I got in the mail.
61
00:02:38,767 --> 00:02:40,203
Oh, Lord, what's that?
62
00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:41,813
It's my bladder mesh
settlement check!
63
00:02:41,857 --> 00:02:43,641
Christmas is on me!
64
00:02:43,685 --> 00:02:45,817
Get ready for
the most luxury gifts.
65
00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:47,558
Brookstone's, Belk's,
66
00:02:47,602 --> 00:02:49,865
Ferrero Rocher's
chocolate balls!
67
00:02:49,908 --> 00:02:51,475
Just like when my mesh broke,
68
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:53,608
I am gonna make it rain.
69
00:02:55,871 --> 00:02:57,307
Look again.
70
00:02:57,351 --> 00:02:59,962
There might be 2,000
more checks in there.
71
00:03:00,005 --> 00:03:02,486
♪
72
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:04,836
[tune of "Jingle Bells"]:
♪ Doo-doo-doo♪
73
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:08,100
♪ Doo-doo-doo,
I have a surprise.♪
74
00:03:08,144 --> 00:03:09,363
Thank you, Louise.
75
00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:10,929
Oh, I need this so bad.
76
00:03:10,973 --> 00:03:11,843
What?!
77
00:03:11,887 --> 00:03:13,541
Where the hell is the bonus?
78
00:03:13,584 --> 00:03:15,760
"You are cordially invited to
Daniel and Louise Culp's
79
00:03:15,804 --> 00:03:18,415
"annual Christmas Extravaganza,colon,
80
00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:19,895
"a Festival of Joy, Lights,
81
00:03:19,938 --> 00:03:22,071
"Merriment and Fellowship,
and Good Tidings.
82
00:03:22,114 --> 00:03:24,639
"Have You Been Good,
question mark.
83
00:03:24,682 --> 00:03:27,772
Santa's Coming Party,
exclamation point"?
84
00:03:27,816 --> 00:03:30,166
Why is Daniel's head so big?
85
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,864
Oh, Daniel couldn't make
the photo shoot because he had
86
00:03:32,908 --> 00:03:36,868
a businessman meeting,
so I computer-shopped him in.
87
00:03:36,912 --> 00:03:39,393
Well, Louise, the Hart Family
has a pretty big blowout
88
00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:40,916
of our own planned.
89
00:03:40,959 --> 00:03:42,439
I cordially say, "Hell no."
90
00:03:42,483 --> 00:03:43,875
It's mandatory.
91
00:03:43,919 --> 00:03:45,616
♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.♪
92
00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:47,052
♪
93
00:03:48,402 --> 00:03:50,360
[heavenly music plays]
94
00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:51,883
Happy almost birthday!
95
00:03:51,927 --> 00:03:53,537
Hey, how old are you?
96
00:03:53,581 --> 00:03:55,496
Little hack for that--
just think what year it is,
97
00:03:55,539 --> 00:03:56,801
and that's how old I am.
98
00:03:56,845 --> 00:03:58,499
Do you have any big plans?
99
00:03:58,542 --> 00:04:01,110
Well, I was hoping to just do,
you know, a simple Christmas
100
00:04:01,153 --> 00:04:04,331
at home with my family,
but Louise is making us
101
00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:07,551
go to her big, fancy-butt,
richie-rich Christmas party.
102
00:04:07,595 --> 00:04:09,031
Sounds like you've already
got something in your
103
00:04:09,074 --> 00:04:11,599
Christmas stocking--
a lump of jealousy.
104
00:04:11,642 --> 00:04:13,383
What? I'm not jealous.
105
00:04:13,427 --> 00:04:15,820
It's just that Louise's
Christmas is gonna be
106
00:04:15,864 --> 00:04:18,127
so show-off amazing,
it's gonna make
107
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:20,303
our dumb, little Christmas
look like a cold turd
108
00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:21,783
on a paper plate.
109
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:23,872
Well, okay, maybe I am
a little jealous.
110
00:04:23,915 --> 00:04:26,353
Feelings of jealousy
are completely normal.
111
00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:28,050
But don't let it
ruin your Christmas.
112
00:04:28,093 --> 00:04:29,791
I get jealous, too, you know.
113
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:32,359
You do? Who could you
possibly be jealous of?
114
00:04:32,402 --> 00:04:34,578
W-W-Wait, let me think,
let me think.
115
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:35,536
Criss Angel?
116
00:04:35,579 --> 00:04:36,928
[chuckling]:
Did you say Criss Angel?
117
00:04:36,972 --> 00:04:38,582
No.
118
00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:39,931
I'm talking about Santa.
119
00:04:39,975 --> 00:04:41,890
Swooping in on my birthday,
120
00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:45,023
handing out gifts
like some cool weekend dad.
121
00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:47,243
Wait, should I be jealous
of Criss Angel?
122
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,245
No, I mean, I mean,
I don't think so.
123
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:52,074
That should have been a way moredefinitive answer, Jenny.
124
00:04:52,117 --> 00:04:53,815
That's not even
his real name, you know?
125
00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:55,382
It's Christopher
Nicholas Sarantakos.
126
00:04:55,425 --> 00:04:57,340
Say that when
your plane's going down.
127
00:04:57,384 --> 00:04:59,081
♪
128
00:04:59,124 --> 00:05:00,474
Hmm, come on!
129
00:05:00,517 --> 00:05:01,605
I need a Christmas miracle.
130
00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:03,955
Think, Betty, think.
131
00:05:03,999 --> 00:05:06,567
Scratchers, returns,
Kohl's Cash?
132
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,308
No, got to think
outside the box.
133
00:05:08,351 --> 00:05:11,789
Biology-- selling blood,
stealing kidneys?
134
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:13,661
Sleight of hand?
Fake my own death?
135
00:05:13,704 --> 00:05:15,140
Social Security fraud?
136
00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:17,099
Selling secrets, treason?
137
00:05:17,142 --> 00:05:18,622
-Gram? Gram!
-[screams]
138
00:05:18,666 --> 00:05:20,494
Are you okay?
You were mumbling
139
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:21,756
"treason" to yourself again.
140
00:05:21,799 --> 00:05:23,888
No, I am not okay!
I can't do another
141
00:05:23,932 --> 00:05:25,629
discount Dollar Tree Christmas!
142
00:05:25,673 --> 00:05:27,065
Well, suck it up, Mother.
143
00:05:27,109 --> 00:05:28,719
Our Christmas
is gonna be great as soon
144
00:05:28,763 --> 00:05:30,417
as we get back from pretending
145
00:05:30,460 --> 00:05:33,071
to enjoy Louise's
Christmas party.
146
00:05:33,115 --> 00:05:34,464
[groans]Is this gonna be a Sunday School
147
00:05:34,508 --> 00:05:36,205
"cookies and Kool-Aid"
type of deal?
148
00:05:36,248 --> 00:05:37,641
Should I bring my own beers?
149
00:05:37,685 --> 00:05:39,948
No, there's an open bar.
150
00:05:39,991 --> 00:05:42,429
It's gonna be
a richie-rich nightmare.
151
00:05:42,472 --> 00:05:45,345
♪
152
00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:47,912
To see how people are
preparing for the storm,
153
00:05:47,956 --> 00:05:50,654
let's join MayKay
at Harris Teeter.
154
00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:52,569
Big, shelves have been
picked bare,
155
00:05:52,613 --> 00:05:54,963
as people stock up
on essentials.
156
00:05:55,006 --> 00:05:56,617
The milk is completely gone,
157
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:58,662
-even powdered and condensed.
-[whoops]
158
00:05:58,706 --> 00:05:59,924
And in the bread aisle,
159
00:05:59,968 --> 00:06:02,753
all that's left
is the diabetes bread.
160
00:06:02,797 --> 00:06:04,973
My doctor's been telling me
to eat that for years,
161
00:06:05,016 --> 00:06:06,409
but I would rather
starve to death
162
00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:07,976
under ten feet of ice, MayKay.
163
00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:10,239
MAYKAY:
Ooh-wee-wow!
164
00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:12,720
JENNY [sighs]:
Thanks again for coming
165
00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:14,635
to this stupid party.
166
00:06:14,678 --> 00:06:16,245
Let's just hope
it isn't too lame.
167
00:06:16,288 --> 00:06:17,507
WAYNE:
What?! I bet you can
168
00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:19,422
see this from space.
169
00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:20,684
BETTY:
Dang, all that's missing
170
00:06:20,728 --> 00:06:21,772
is the Polar Express.
171
00:06:21,816 --> 00:06:23,034
[train whistle toots]
172
00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:23,774
WAYNE:
Nope.
173
00:06:23,818 --> 00:06:25,776
They got that, too.
174
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:28,388
That conductor's not
actually Tom Hanks, right?
175
00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:29,954
Tom!
176
00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:32,740
He looked over.
177
00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:36,221
Just leave the car up front.
178
00:06:36,265 --> 00:06:37,919
We won't be staying long.
179
00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:39,181
I was told to park
all vehicles
180
00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:40,748
with truck nuts around back.
181
00:06:40,791 --> 00:06:42,010
That's fair.
182
00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:43,011
Rude.
183
00:06:43,054 --> 00:06:45,535
Here he comes again-- Tom!
184
00:06:45,579 --> 00:06:46,754
Ah, he's working.
185
00:06:46,797 --> 00:06:49,452
♪
186
00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:56,459
BETTY:
Now, this is
the Christmas we deserve!
187
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,461
-Mother!
-Oh, my God.
188
00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:01,333
It's the biggest littlest town
I've ever seen!
189
00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:02,813
I've seen bigger... and littler.
190
00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,380
I mean, I guess it's cute
191
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,077
in a gross, show-offy
kind of way.
192
00:07:06,121 --> 00:07:09,733
Doo, doo-doo-doo.Welcome to the East Pole, y'all,
193
00:07:09,777 --> 00:07:12,780
from me and my head elf Daniel.
194
00:07:12,823 --> 00:07:14,782
Daniel, come say hi.
195
00:07:14,825 --> 00:07:17,828
Daniel, y'all,
where is your elf hat?
196
00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:21,049
He has this elf hat I bought himthat he just loves.
197
00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:23,791
Baby, look, they have
teeny, tiny hamburgers.
198
00:07:23,834 --> 00:07:25,053
They made 'em elf-sized
for Christmas.
199
00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:26,794
I got you one already.
200
00:07:26,837 --> 00:07:28,491
I ate the pickles
'cause I know you hate 'em.
201
00:07:28,535 --> 00:07:29,884
Oh, you're so sweet.
202
00:07:29,927 --> 00:07:31,799
But, remember, we got
that cheeseball at home.
203
00:07:31,842 --> 00:07:34,105
Daniel, bring me some chips.
204
00:07:34,149 --> 00:07:36,107
You know the kind I like.
205
00:07:38,022 --> 00:07:40,895
He's going to get
the kind I like.
206
00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:42,897
And guess what else.
207
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:46,901
We have a very special celebrityguest coming tonight.
208
00:07:46,944 --> 00:07:49,033
Ian David Cole.
209
00:07:49,077 --> 00:07:50,861
Oh, I don't think we're gonna
be able to stay for...
210
00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:54,038
Greenpoint Community Theater's
own Ian David Cole?
211
00:07:54,082 --> 00:07:56,693
His bluegrass production of The Elephant Man
changed my life.
212
00:07:56,737 --> 00:07:59,043
Get ready to shake
his hand, Wayne.
213
00:07:59,087 --> 00:08:01,916
After he does
his annual recitation
214
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:05,876
of "'Twas the Night
Before Christmas."
215
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,749
-Okay, Louise saw me.
Let's get out of here.
-But Ian David Cole.
216
00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:10,838
A mini-town bigger
than our living room.
217
00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:13,580
-Free shrimp.
-And Ian David Cole.
218
00:08:13,623 --> 00:08:14,929
No. That delicious cheeseball
219
00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:17,148
isn't gonna dip Triscuits
into itself.
220
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:19,890
-Now let's go.
-[all groaning]
221
00:08:19,934 --> 00:08:22,763
♪
222
00:08:33,904 --> 00:08:36,385
[tires screeching]
223
00:08:36,428 --> 00:08:38,822
-Snow!
-We need bread and milk!
224
00:08:38,866 --> 00:08:41,564
Why didn't we get
bread and milk yet?
225
00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:43,914
-Look out for black ice.
-Steer into the skid!
226
00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:46,134
Drive faster.
We got to beat the storm.
227
00:08:46,177 --> 00:08:47,875
No, you steer away
from the skid.
228
00:08:47,918 --> 00:08:49,659
That's not what I was taught.
229
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:51,966
Dawn, you're going too fast.
230
00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:54,403
They changed it a few years ago.
231
00:08:54,446 --> 00:08:56,318
-No way.
-Hand to God.
232
00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:57,928
My foot's on the brake!
233
00:08:57,972 --> 00:08:59,930
[all screaming]
234
00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:01,932
[metal clattering,
car horns honking]
235
00:09:01,976 --> 00:09:03,978
[tires screeching]
236
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:08,504
You're not going
anywhere in this.
237
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,767
[train whistle toots]
238
00:09:10,811 --> 00:09:13,030
Oh, my Lord. Tom Hanks, no!
239
00:09:17,731 --> 00:09:20,690
Well, it looks like
the dream of a white Christmas
240
00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:22,910
has turned into a nightmare.
241
00:09:22,953 --> 00:09:26,957
This is the scene right now
on Elmwood Avenue. MayKay?
242
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:29,003
Thanks, Big.
Well, we are standing here
243
00:09:29,046 --> 00:09:31,309
with theMayor Webb,
244
00:09:31,353 --> 00:09:33,703
who came down here
to survey the accident.
245
00:09:33,747 --> 00:09:35,705
You just speak
right into the top of this.
246
00:09:35,749 --> 00:09:38,012
Oh, I didn't come here
to survey it. I was in it.
247
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:39,709
I was fully in the accident.
248
00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:41,406
-I'm bleeding.
-You're fine.
249
00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:44,148
Now, Mayor, I'm told
there is a salt truck
250
00:09:44,192 --> 00:09:45,889
coming down from Kentucky?
251
00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:48,196
You just speak into
the business end right here.
252
00:09:48,239 --> 00:09:49,980
I tried to call a salt truck.
253
00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:52,679
There was just a Hispanic
outgoing message,
254
00:09:52,722 --> 00:09:54,898
and it went straight
to voice mail.
255
00:09:54,942 --> 00:09:57,901
Did you try a different
salt truck company?
256
00:09:57,945 --> 00:10:00,730
You just talk right there.
This-this picks up the sound.
257
00:10:00,774 --> 00:10:03,820
No, MayKay, I don't know
other salt truck companies.
258
00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:05,648
You think when you become mayor,they just give you
259
00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:07,737
a magical list of all
the salt truck companies
260
00:10:07,781 --> 00:10:09,391
-in the world?
-[snow thuds]
261
00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:12,481
I'm making snow devils, babies.
262
00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:15,005
-I'm pinned!
-Big?
263
00:10:16,964 --> 00:10:19,270
Oh, this is perfect.
We're snowed in.
264
00:10:19,314 --> 00:10:22,665
It's so perfect.
We're snowed in.
265
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:26,843
Now, before you panic,we do have both bread and milk.
266
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:28,845
Isn't this romantic, y'all?
267
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:32,240
Everyone, just grab your partnerand get Christmas cozy.
268
00:10:32,283 --> 00:10:34,764
I know I'm about to. Daniel?
269
00:10:34,808 --> 00:10:36,679
Okay, I'll find him.
270
00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:38,725
Part of me feels sorry for her,
271
00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:41,466
but most of me just wants todrink her out of house and home.
272
00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:43,512
Good thing the human body's got
two livers,
273
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:45,949
and we only need one.
274
00:10:45,993 --> 00:10:47,951
Brenda, I told you
that's kidneys.
275
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:49,736
You sound like my professors
at nursing school.
276
00:10:49,779 --> 00:10:51,433
Hold on, do you have
a loose meatball
277
00:10:51,476 --> 00:10:53,087
rolling around
in your pocketbook?
278
00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:57,657
Oh, I got a baker's dozen loosemeatballs in my pocketbook.
279
00:10:57,700 --> 00:10:59,441
You got your meats,
then you got your crudités,
280
00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:01,704
iced pocket for shrimps,
and the bottom is just a lake
281
00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:03,837
of various sauces and dips.
282
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,056
I'm getting my bonus
one way or another.
283
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,841
Well, look, if we're gonna be
stuck at this party,
284
00:11:07,884 --> 00:11:09,277
we might as well
make the best of it. Right?
285
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,714
Pound some food, drink a ton,
and go anger-snooping.
286
00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:13,760
[chuckles]
If we find some Louise dirt,
287
00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:15,022
we'll feel so much better.
288
00:11:15,065 --> 00:11:16,501
You had me at anger-pooping.
289
00:11:16,545 --> 00:11:17,894
"Merry Christmas, Louise.
290
00:11:17,938 --> 00:11:19,548
There's a doody in your dryer."
291
00:11:19,591 --> 00:11:21,811
No, I said anger-snooping.
292
00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:25,989
[scoffs] I know. I was just
kidding about anger-pooping.
293
00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,078
I'm not an animal, Jenny.
294
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:31,821
Bweep, bweep, bweep.
295
00:11:31,865 --> 00:11:33,736
"Oh, no. Aliens."
296
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,912
"I'm your tiny leader Frosty."
297
00:11:35,956 --> 00:11:38,567
"Kill it before
it kills us first."
298
00:11:38,610 --> 00:11:40,874
"Oh, God, it's shooting me
with a freeze ray.
299
00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,832
"Oh! Oh, all my limbs
are coming off!
300
00:11:42,876 --> 00:11:44,747
"Oh, it burns.
301
00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:48,055
I love my limbs. Not my limbs."
302
00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:50,753
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
Sad news, y'all.
303
00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:54,757
I'm afraid Ian David Cole
was not able to make it
304
00:11:54,801 --> 00:11:57,020
'cause of the snow.
305
00:11:57,064 --> 00:11:58,674
Damn it! No!
306
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,981
-Or was I?
-[guests gasping]
307
00:12:01,024 --> 00:12:03,984
I've been here all night.
[laughs]
308
00:12:04,027 --> 00:12:05,855
Holy what?
309
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:09,946
Life is a stage,
and the stage is my life.
310
00:12:09,990 --> 00:12:12,035
And you are my costars.
311
00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:14,864
Give yourselves
a round of applause.
312
00:12:14,908 --> 00:12:18,563
Friggin' theater's
Ian David Cole.
313
00:12:18,607 --> 00:12:20,914
Think, Betty, think.
314
00:12:20,957 --> 00:12:21,915
Focus.
315
00:12:21,958 --> 00:12:24,352
Vase, crystal,
316
00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:28,922
silverware, case of wine,
sugar daddy, chandelier.
317
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:30,967
Find your hustle. Where is it?
318
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:32,055
[sniffing]
319
00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:34,057
Cigar smoke.
320
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:35,145
[indistinct chatter]
321
00:12:36,538 --> 00:12:37,757
Bingo.
322
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,889
[chuckles]
No, we aren't playing bingo.
323
00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:41,935
We're helping Daniel hide
from his ball and chain.
324
00:12:41,978 --> 00:12:44,807
-Hey, aren't you
Jenny Hart's mama?
-Sure am.
325
00:12:44,851 --> 00:12:46,287
You got a good-looking daughter,Ms. Hart.
326
00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:48,245
You look good, too, for an old.
327
00:12:48,289 --> 00:12:50,944
Oh, that's so sweet
of you to say.
328
00:12:50,987 --> 00:12:52,902
Can I play? I got cash.
329
00:12:52,946 --> 00:12:54,599
Kohl hard cash.
330
00:12:54,643 --> 00:12:56,906
[laughter]
331
00:12:56,950 --> 00:12:58,908
Oh, my Lord, she is priceless.
332
00:12:58,952 --> 00:13:00,954
Dare I even say hot?
333
00:13:00,997 --> 00:13:03,739
I say we let
this ancient cutie sit in.
334
00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:08,962
Okay, now what's the difference
335
00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:12,008
between the pointy shovels
and the bumpy shovels?
336
00:13:12,052 --> 00:13:13,053
[laughter]
337
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:17,187
Look at all this dumb crapthat could've been our bonuses.
338
00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:19,755
A crystal bird?
What's that even for?
339
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,931
-This bitch.
-A mahogany box
340
00:13:21,975 --> 00:13:22,932
with nothing in it?
341
00:13:22,976 --> 00:13:24,978
This beotch.
342
00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:26,109
This bitch.
343
00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:27,241
This beotch.
344
00:13:27,284 --> 00:13:28,372
This bish.
345
00:13:28,416 --> 00:13:30,897
This bitch!
346
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:32,420
I've seen every production
you've ever done,
347
00:13:32,463 --> 00:13:33,769
Ian David Cole.
348
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,249
I loved your musical version
349
00:13:35,292 --> 00:13:37,468
of The Odd Couplewhere you
played both characters.
350
00:13:37,512 --> 00:13:39,906
[laughs]
Delightful.
351
00:13:39,949 --> 00:13:42,909
Why haven't you tried out
for anything, Wade?
352
00:13:42,952 --> 00:13:45,128
Oh, yeah, it's Wayne,
with an "N." [chuckles]
353
00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:47,391
No, it isn't. It's Wade.
354
00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,132
Wade Rock.
355
00:13:49,176 --> 00:13:53,136
That will be your stage name
when you join me onstage.
356
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:56,923
You have a real presence.
I can feel it.
357
00:13:56,966 --> 00:14:00,665
Oh, no. I-I love watching
theater, but I can't do it.
358
00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:03,625
The one time I tried it,
I really dookied the bed.
359
00:14:03,668 --> 00:14:04,887
Oh-ho-ho-ho, Wade.
360
00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:07,368
Don't talk about
my friend Wade like that.
361
00:14:07,411 --> 00:14:10,458
I'm sure you were wonderful.
362
00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:13,722
No. I mean
I really dookied the bed.
363
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:17,030
Oh, Smee,
what a rogue and peasant...
364
00:14:17,073 --> 00:14:18,596
-[stomach growling]
-[crowd gasping]
365
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:19,684
Oh, no.
366
00:14:20,772 --> 00:14:22,078
MAN:
Oh, my God.
367
00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:24,951
So, yeah,
I literally dookied the bed.
368
00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:27,518
Onstage, in front of everyone.
369
00:14:27,562 --> 00:14:29,912
Ha-ha!
That's notdelightful.
370
00:14:29,956 --> 00:14:33,089
I got so nervous trying
to remember all those lines.
371
00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:35,962
Wade, you've got to get back
on that stage.
372
00:14:36,005 --> 00:14:38,790
Otherwise, the dookie wins.
373
00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,749
I could teach you.
374
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:42,316
Oh, I don't know.
375
00:14:42,359 --> 00:14:45,623
You remember the lyrics toyour favorite songs, don't you?
376
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:47,060
♪ Love in an elevator.♪
377
00:14:47,103 --> 00:14:48,757
[scoffs]
Hell yeah.
378
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,019
Delightful!
379
00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:53,022
You just acted!
380
00:14:53,066 --> 00:14:54,154
Delightful!
381
00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:59,159
I have no idea
how I'm winning all these--
382
00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:01,552
what are they called, chips?
383
00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,859
Okay, you're big blind, little
blind. Let's see the flop.
384
00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:08,168
Oh, would you look at this bed.
385
00:15:08,211 --> 00:15:10,213
There's probably
$10,000 worth of pillows.
386
00:15:10,257 --> 00:15:13,129
-Bonus! Bonus! Bonus!
-Bitch! Bitch! Bitch!
387
00:15:13,173 --> 00:15:15,001
No luck in her drawers.
388
00:15:15,044 --> 00:15:17,090
Ooh, I can't wait to see
how many trillions of dollars
389
00:15:17,133 --> 00:15:18,439
of purses she's got.
390
00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:23,226
[sobbing, sniffling]
391
00:15:23,270 --> 00:15:24,097
Anything good in there?
392
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:25,968
No, no. Uh, false alarm.
393
00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:27,839
Uh, but I think
I did see some Adderall
394
00:15:27,883 --> 00:15:29,145
in the kids'
Jack N Jill bathroom.
395
00:15:29,189 --> 00:15:32,409
Jackpot! Someone's gonna pass
her nursing test.
396
00:15:32,453 --> 00:15:33,454
[crying, sniffling]
397
00:15:38,198 --> 00:15:39,199
[indistinct chatter]
398
00:15:39,242 --> 00:15:41,853
Hey, Louise...
399
00:15:41,897 --> 00:15:45,118
This party is a disaster.
400
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:46,162
Sorry, what?
401
00:15:46,206 --> 00:15:48,077
[sniffles]
This party.
402
00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:51,167
It's just
a big ol' sparkly ol' Band-Aid
403
00:15:51,211 --> 00:15:53,169
on a nasty secret wound.
404
00:15:53,213 --> 00:15:54,170
Is it?
405
00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:56,956
All appearances to the contrary,
406
00:15:56,999 --> 00:16:00,394
things are not great
between me and Daniel.
407
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:02,874
What...?
408
00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:06,008
At the very least, I thoughtif I put up a ton of mistletoe,
409
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:07,967
maybe Daniel
would give me a kiss,
410
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:10,882
but he's dodging mistletoe likeTom Cruise dodged those lasers
411
00:16:10,926 --> 00:16:12,972
in Mission: Impossible.
412
00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:16,105
Louise, Daniel is lucky as hellto have you.
413
00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:17,367
And this party is amazing.
414
00:16:17,411 --> 00:16:19,239
And if it makes you feel
any better,
415
00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:20,240
I'm super jealous.
416
00:16:20,283 --> 00:16:22,111
Oh, Jenny, it does.
417
00:16:22,155 --> 00:16:23,460
Thank you.
418
00:16:24,331 --> 00:16:26,115
Jenny, you have
a beautiful family
419
00:16:26,159 --> 00:16:29,292
that loves you, and you're
so lucky to have Wayne.
420
00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:33,122
He brings you sliders, and he
knows your pickle preferences.
421
00:16:33,166 --> 00:16:35,124
Thanks, Louise.
422
00:16:35,168 --> 00:16:36,865
Wayne is a sweetheart.
423
00:16:36,908 --> 00:16:39,041
I wanted you and Brenda
to come here tonight,
424
00:16:39,085 --> 00:16:42,653
'cause the guest list is mostlyDaniel's friends and family.
425
00:16:42,697 --> 00:16:44,916
I just wanted
some friendly faces here.
426
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,744
You need a little hug?
427
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:49,312
I think I do.
428
00:16:49,356 --> 00:16:53,316
Now, can you pet my head
like my grambie used to?
429
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,796
Uh, like-like this?
430
00:16:54,839 --> 00:16:57,016
Slower. Smoother strokes.
431
00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:58,626
Like a cat.
432
00:16:58,669 --> 00:17:00,932
[sighing softly]
433
00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:05,546
Okay, Louise, I think you need
to just open up your mouth
434
00:17:05,589 --> 00:17:07,461
and tell Daniel
that you deserve respect
435
00:17:07,504 --> 00:17:09,332
and you deserve love.
436
00:17:09,376 --> 00:17:12,074
You're right!I'm gonna go tell him right now.
437
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:13,728
Uh-oh. Well, uh, no.
438
00:17:13,771 --> 00:17:15,251
[chuckles]:
Uh, maybe don't do it now,
439
00:17:15,295 --> 00:17:17,993
with a house full
of snowed-in party guests.
440
00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:20,256
[groans]
441
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:21,475
[gasps]
442
00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:23,303
[relieved sigh]
443
00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:26,045
♪
444
00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:31,485
I'll raise you 50,
445
00:17:31,528 --> 00:17:34,488
and another 50
for calling me old.
446
00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:37,186
Betty, you are on me like
self-tanner on a white couch.
447
00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:40,320
I'm all out of cash, so I'm
gonna have to throw this in.
448
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:42,844
This antique smoke show
is gonna bust us all.
449
00:17:42,887 --> 00:17:45,064
Hey, Daniel, you in or out?
450
00:17:45,107 --> 00:17:49,155
Uh-oh. Looks like that littlefishy just jumped off the hook.
451
00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:51,940
VIOLET:
It's day 63
452
00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:53,942
since the arrival of Frosty.
453
00:17:53,985 --> 00:17:56,988
Christmas as we know it
has ceased to be.
454
00:17:57,032 --> 00:18:01,080
The cannibalism, well,that started almost immediately.
455
00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:03,647
-[crying]
-I can't believe what happened
to Miss Beverly.
456
00:18:03,691 --> 00:18:05,432
Miss Beverly had it coming.
457
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:07,912
♪
458
00:18:10,437 --> 00:18:12,091
LOUISE:
Doo, doo-doo-doo.
459
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:13,918
Daniel Everett Culp III,
460
00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:16,095
I have a bone to pick with you.
461
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:18,140
-Oh, boy.
-What?
462
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:20,838
I may have accidentally told
Louise to make a giant scene
463
00:18:20,882 --> 00:18:23,363
-at her party.
-Oh, hell yeah!
464
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:27,193
Daniel, I don't know what isgoing on with you lately, but...
465
00:18:27,236 --> 00:18:28,977
[guests gasp]
466
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:31,675
Oh, just when I
was starting to think
467
00:18:31,719 --> 00:18:33,677
you were a Christmas Grinch,
468
00:18:33,721 --> 00:18:36,202
you go and corner me
under the mistletoe?
469
00:18:36,245 --> 00:18:37,942
Daniel, shug,
you can't just leave the table
470
00:18:37,986 --> 00:18:39,683
in the middle of a hand.
471
00:18:39,727 --> 00:18:40,945
Bad form.
472
00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:42,121
Get your buns back down here.
473
00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:46,212
DANIEL:
Uh... mm...
474
00:18:46,255 --> 00:18:47,343
[clicks tongue]
475
00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:49,911
[sustained, low grunting]
476
00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:52,696
Hi, Jenny.
477
00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:55,134
[winces]
478
00:18:55,177 --> 00:18:56,396
Uh...
479
00:18:58,398 --> 00:19:00,748
[guests whoop, gasp]
480
00:19:00,791 --> 00:19:02,837
-Ew.
-[sighs]
481
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,273
It's a Christmas miracle.
482
00:19:04,317 --> 00:19:06,971
More like Grossmas spewacle.
483
00:19:07,015 --> 00:19:08,973
Smooching won't get you
out of this.
484
00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:10,192
-[thud]
-LOUISE: Ooh.
485
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:12,760
Daniel, so silly.
486
00:19:12,803 --> 00:19:14,936
IAN:
Attention, everyone!
487
00:19:14,979 --> 00:19:16,938
"'Twas the Night
Before Christmas"
488
00:19:16,981 --> 00:19:19,201
will be recited
by my young protégé,
489
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:21,334
Wade Rock!
490
00:19:21,377 --> 00:19:22,422
What?
491
00:19:22,465 --> 00:19:24,032
You can do it, Wade.
492
00:19:24,075 --> 00:19:26,513
Remember
"Love in an Elevator."
493
00:19:28,993 --> 00:19:30,299
[clears throat]
494
00:19:30,343 --> 00:19:32,258
[to "Love in an Elevator"]:
♪ 'Twas the night♪
495
00:19:32,301 --> 00:19:33,520
♪ Before Christmas♪
496
00:19:33,563 --> 00:19:35,130
♪ Not a creature was stirring♪
497
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,262
♪ Not even a mouse♪
498
00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:37,741
♪ All the stockings were hung♪
499
00:19:37,785 --> 00:19:39,308
♪ By the chimney with care♪
500
00:19:39,352 --> 00:19:41,310
♪ In hopes that St. Nicholas
would soon be♪
501
00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:46,620
♪ There...♪
502
00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:47,969
[squeaky fart]
503
00:19:48,012 --> 00:19:49,971
It was just a toot!
504
00:19:50,014 --> 00:19:51,494
[cheering, whooping]
505
00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:55,194
[laughs]
Delightful, Wade!
506
00:19:55,237 --> 00:19:56,499
You did it!
507
00:19:56,543 --> 00:19:58,022
Doo, doo-doo-doo, y'all.
508
00:19:58,066 --> 00:20:02,070
Now I'd like to express
some Christmas gratitude.
509
00:20:02,113 --> 00:20:03,463
-Huh?
-[gasps]
510
00:20:03,506 --> 00:20:05,639
Jenny, y'all, Brenda,
511
00:20:05,682 --> 00:20:09,295
here are
your Christmas bonus checks.
512
00:20:09,338 --> 00:20:11,035
-[cheering]
-And I'd just like to say
513
00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:14,038
that I'm so happythat it accidentally worked out
514
00:20:14,082 --> 00:20:16,127
that all of y'all
happened to be here
515
00:20:16,171 --> 00:20:19,392
to share this wonderful,
charitable moment with me.
516
00:20:19,435 --> 00:20:20,915
She just called us charity.
517
00:20:20,958 --> 00:20:22,743
This bitch.
518
00:20:22,786 --> 00:20:24,048
[playing "Love in an Elevator"]
519
00:20:24,092 --> 00:20:26,529
♪ 'Twas the night
before Christmas♪
520
00:20:26,573 --> 00:20:29,532
♪ Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse♪
521
00:20:29,576 --> 00:20:32,448
ALL:
♪ All the stockings were hung
by the chimney with care♪
522
00:20:32,492 --> 00:20:33,971
♪ In the hopes that St. Nicholas
would soon be♪
523
00:20:34,015 --> 00:20:39,063
♪ There...♪
524
00:20:45,026 --> 00:20:47,376
Now it's a perfect Christmas.
525
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:49,117
BETTY:
Ho, ho, ho, y'all.
526
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,293
Those cheapskates didn't want
to cash out my chips,
527
00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:53,904
but I did manage to get
the cash equivalent,
528
00:20:53,948 --> 00:20:57,473
giving us
the merriest Christmas ever.
529
00:20:57,517 --> 00:21:00,041
Oh-ho! The crystal bird!
530
00:21:00,084 --> 00:21:03,044
[gasps]
Evil Frosty the Snow Alien?
531
00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:05,481
Gram, thank you.
I love it.
532
00:21:05,525 --> 00:21:09,224
No way. A gently worn polo
anda Citizen watch?
533
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:12,227
This'll go from work to play
like a champ. Delightful.
534
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:14,098
And a fresh set of AAs
535
00:21:14,142 --> 00:21:17,276
right out of Daniel's
universal remote.
536
00:21:18,755 --> 00:21:22,063
That's right, y'all,
we are bringing Saxy back.
537
00:21:22,106 --> 00:21:26,067
-Merry Christmas!
-Merry Christmas, everyone!
-I love you guys.
538
00:21:26,110 --> 00:21:28,069
-[meows]
-[horn honks musically]
539
00:21:28,112 --> 00:21:31,072
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
38517
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
