All language subtitles for Abbott.And.Costello.Little.Giant.1946.BRRip.XviD.MP3-XVID

Good morning, just a minute please.

No, thanks.

I got off the main highway.

Can you tell me where I am?

This is cucamonga.

Well, that's good.

Well, we think so.

Were you looking for anybody special?

Yes, I'm
trying to find the perkin's farm.

Oh, oh they're very
good friends of ours.

Uh, you go straight ahead
to the first cross roads,

turn left and it's the
first house on your right.

Thanks a lot.

You're much obliged.

And the salesman who allows

the purchaser to escape
without buying anything

is wasting his own time,
the time of his employer,

and the customer's time.

To our students we say again,
be diplomatic but be firm.

If you meet with sales
resistance attack it.

Break it down.

A humorous story will serve to detain

the customer until you can
think of something to say.

For example, the following humorous story

should be memorized.

Ready?

Yes, sir.

A man and his wife

were quarreling in bed on night.

It seems the wife was jealous
of her husband's stenographer.

You catch?

So the husband said to his wife,

turn over on the other side.

= turn over on the other side?

Turn over on the other side?

= turn over.

Turn over Benny.

Oh, turn the record over.

Oh, excuse me.

Boy am I dumb.

I didn't see you there, mom.

You know dear, I can't
help worrying about you.

Last night you played your lessons

until way after 10 o'clock.

But mom, we must remember,
I'm a slow learner.

Oh, keepin' such late hours

and then getting up at five o'clock

in the morning to do the milkin' and all,

it's just not good for you, son.

You don't have to worry anymore, mom.

I'm up to my last lesson.

It's all over and boy oh boy
oh boy am I gonna make money.

I'm gonna fix it that you don't have

to work so hard anymore,
especially on Sunday's.

Why, for $10,000 I can buy up the ranches

on both sides of us and then I can hire

the hired men to work for ya.

And then I'm gonna buy ya

the best rockin' chair in the world.

Oh, thanks dear but, $10,000?

That's nothin' at all, mom.

Why, a good salesman in one year

can make $10,000 just like that.

All you gotta do is learn how.

It says so on the records.

Here.

Sit down, mom.

I want you to listen to professor Watkins.

This is lesson 24.

You ask
me what is real salesmanship?

I'll tell you.

It doesn't require any talent to sell

a customer something he came in to buy.

Salesmanship consists of selling

him something he did not come in to buy.

Shall I repeat that?

No, that's all right.

I'll repeat it.

Salesmanship consists in selling

a customer something he doesn't know

he wants until you convince him of it.

You must look him confidently in the eye

and decide for him and remember,

do not take no for an answer.

Ain't that guy terrific?

Boy, did I learn a lot from him.

I don't know, Benny.

It doesn't seem neighborly to sell

a person something he doesn't need.

Mom, that's old fashioned.

There's a customer now.

Now I'll prove it to ya.

I'll go right out there and I'll face him

and look him right in
the eye, confidentially,

and I won't take no for an answer.

Oh!

How do you do?

What can I do for you?

Oh, the customer's out there.

How do you do, sir?

Helping yourself to some air?

And why not?

It's free airisn't it?

Yes, sir.

How about some gas? = no.

How 'bout some oil? = no.

How 'bout some...

I don't want any water either.

Mm hm.

Oh.

Hey mister, how 'bout some nice,

fresh California naval oranges?

My momma just picked
them fresh this morning.

I don't want any oranges.

But oranges are very good for ya.

Everybody should eat 'em.

Oranges are good for ya, huh?

My father owns a lemon grove

but you say everybody should eat oranges.

I know, but there's vitamin c in oranges

and everybody should have vitamin c.

Everybody?

For two years the specialists have

been giving me vitamin a, b
and d but no, you're smarter.

You say I need vitamin c.

Look mister, I...

I'm sorry, I tripped over the oranges.

Oranges are good for you huh?

Oranges are very good for ya, mister.

Look, just some how 'bout some nice...

I'm sorry again.

I'm so anxious.

How 'bout a nice jar of marmalade?

=t don't eat marmalade.

= you don't eat marmalade?

= no.

Why don't you take a
jar of marmalade home

to the children and let
'em have a spoonful?

- One spoonful, huh?
- A little spoonful.

One spoonful of marmalade for 11 kids.

Oh, but they're only my kids.

They're not entitled to anymore.

Look, mister take the whole jar.

Let the kids eat the whole jar.

Oh, they should stuff
themselves and get sick, huh?

Now you got me paying doctor bills.

Look, I don't want you
to pay any doctor bills.

Oh, a man goes to medical
school for eight years,

studies day and night, becomes a doctor,

saves my children's lives and you want

me to beat him out of his bill, huh?

I didn't say that.

Oh, I said it.

I go around telling
everybody I'm a dead beat.

I hope you're satisfied.

You stuff my kids with your marmalade,

you got 'em sick, now I've gotta go

and explain to the doctors
what's wrong with 'em.

Oh, look mister, you
don't have to do that.

They'll find out for themselves.

Hey could you... - Oh yeah?

They should experiment on my kids, huh?

Use my kids for Guinea pigs.

Say it.

My kids are Guinea pigs.

= oh no.

Your kids ain't Guinea pigs.

Oh, they're just plain pigs, huh?

Look mister, if you
don't want the marmalade

that my momma made this morning,

how 'bout some nice fresh
eggs my momma laid this,

I mean, I mean the leghorns
laid 'em this morning.

We got nice chickens around here.

Look buddy, I don't want any eggs.

You don't want any eggs?

No eggs.

These are very fine eggs.

Even the worst could make...

Oh, the worst cook?

Now you're draggin' my
wife into the argument.

Go on, say it.

My wife is a rotten cook.

Go on, say it.

Oh no, your wife's a good cook.

A good cook, huh?

I suppose the indigestion I get comes

from the tonic I use on my head, huh?

Go on, talk about my wife some more.

Uh uh, I don't wanna
talk about your wife.

Oh, now my wife isn't good
enough to be talked about.

Why don't you just come out and say it?

I know what you're thinking.

My wife is a miserable old hag.

Just the thought of kissing my wife

makes a person sick and disgusted.

Now wait a minute mister,
I wouldn't say that.

I think kissing your wife's a pleasure.

Yeah, oh you're the guy, huh?

Look, mister please,
I don't mean any harm.

Please leave me alone.

I'm only trying to be a good salesman,

and a good salesman should
never take no for an answer.

What do you say?

= no.

= good.

That's all I wanted to know.

It's nice doin' business
with a man like you.

Goodbye.

Mal

mal

it worked!

It worked mal

Benny!

Hey ma, I did everything
I was supposed to.

I looked 'em right in
the eye confidentially

and I wouldn't take no for an answer.

Boy, did I sell him a lot of stuff.

That's fine Benny.

How much did it come to all together?

What?

How much money did you get?

Money?

Money?

Hey!

Hey you!

Hey!

Hey you come back here!

How do you like that?

A crook.

Oh.

Aw, keep your shirt on!

Martha.

Martha.

Martha, I didn't know it was you.

I mean, you didn't have
to take your shirt,

your shirt is, I mean it was,

it was somebody else because when I was...

No.

Yes.

Oh, my last lesson.

And something else, too.

= oh.

Gosh.

Oh, I'm so proud of you Benny.

Are ya?

Mm hm.

Nobody thought you'd ever graduate.

That is, nobody but me.

Aw, I was sure you'd make it.

Today I am a salesman.

Yoo-hoo, Martha any mail for me?

= no Mrs. Miller.

Come on, let's graduate.

Oh mom, look.

Oh.

Come on in.

You're just in time.

Give it to me.

I almost didn't graduate.

Oh, you better let me Benny.

You're too nervous.

= it's the excitement.

He's all worn out.

Students,

and all these dear friends and members

of the family who have congregated

here for this joyful
occasion, be seated please.

Oh, here Martha take this dear.

All right, thank you.

I am not going

to take up your time with any
long winded congratulations.

By this time you're probably sick

and tired of the sound of my voice.

Have you the registered container

that arrived with this record?

Martha's got it.

Please take out the diploma.

Now student, stand up.

And the closest of kin
will make the presentation.

The record correspondence
school takes pride

in conferring upon you this diploma

of graduation and with a degree of b.S.,

bachelor of salesmanship.

Congratulations.

Congratulations, son.

J hail Alma mater j

this is my Alma mom song.

J ever be thy glory

j famed in song and story j

j record correspondent school 7

j deep our devotion j

j over land and ocean

j proudly you will rule

j record correspondent school 7

j are we happy /

j well I guess j

j we're all students of r.C.S. J

j yes yes yes j

j r.C.S. J

j record correspondent school 7

resume your seat please

and listen carefully.

Now that the door of
success is open to you,

walk through it.

Don't waste your knowledge
and ability in a small place.

Go at once to the city.

I'll go to pomona.

A big city.

All right, San Diego.

The biggest city in the state.

Los Angeles?

Yes!

The biggest city in the state.

Okay, Los Angeles.

And go now, today.

= that does it.

You heard what the man said.

I gotta go now, right away.

Today!

But Benny?

Benny?

But mom, I'm goin' up
and pack a clean shirt.

You heard what the man said.

I gotta get to Los Angeles right away.

Oh, but Los Angeles is such a big city.

What are you gonna do there?

Get a job as a salesman of course.

Now listen son, you can't just walk into

a big city like that and
expect to get a job right away.

= well uncle Clarence did.

That was 20 years ago and he's been

with the same company ever since.

Don't you think he
could get Benny a job?

Put in a good word for him.

Martha, that's a grand thought.

That's great.

I was gonna think of that myself.

Well, thank heavens that's settled.

Clarence will be just delighted

to have his favorite nephew
working with him side by side.

Gee, ain't that great?

Who woulda thought that uncle Clarence

would've ever come in handy?

Well, Martha the time
has come to say goodbye.

Bye Benny.

You, you are coming back aren't you?

I, I mean someday when
you're a big success.

I'm only goin' on account of you Martha.

You mean that Benny?

I'm gonna go so I can come back

with a lot of money and
lay it at your feet.

Oh, Benny!

Gee,

what I've been missing all these years.

This is my lucky day.

First I graduate and now I'm engaged.

Engaged?

I kissed you didn't I?

Oh Benny!

Don't you wanna see me go?

Bye Benny, dear.

Bye Martha.

Going up.

Hercules company, 10th floor.

This is it.

Whitney 7039.

I'm getting your number.

= yes dear.

Yes dear.

I think I can be there at six.
Just a minute please.

= just a minute dear.
Mr. o'brien is busy.

Room 1026 right down the hall.

Thank you.

I'm ringing them.

Is it ringing? - Yes dear.

Yes dear.

= excuse me?

= come in.

Thank you.

I'm looking for my uncle Clarence.

= uncle Clarence?

Yes.

Uncle Clarence.

That's uh, the brother to my mother.

My mother's, uncle Clarence is...

Oh, could you mean Mr. goodring?

Yeah, uncle Clarence goodring.

Oh, I'm sorry he's in Mr.
Morrison's office at the moment.

That's clearly understood I presume?

Oh yes, quite.

Sure, that's fine.

Have a cigar. - Thank you.

= you're welcome.

Oh, and you better have

your girl put this away Mr. Morrison.

Ah.

Uh, Mr. goodring, you've been
with this company a long time,

and I just want you to know that uh,

the president, Mr. Van loan

and myself appreciate your loyalty.

Thank you, sir.

I've tried to do my best.

It's been rather difficult at times uh,

keeping two sets of books...

Oh yes, I was coming to that.

Yes.

Uh, I was going to suggest
a little raise for you.

Let's say $20 a month.

Well, thank you, sir.

Oh, say nothing about it old boy.

It's a...

Oh, excuse me.

I'm sorry, I...
Come in, come in.

I've been expecting you.

Good afternoon miss temple.

= good afternoon.

Uh, don't go goodring.

I would like to get your reaction

of miss temple's idea of our
new advertising campaign.

= oh.

Do you mind?

Oh, I'd love it. = that's swell.

Of course you know, this
is just a rough layout

but with the right model and
the right photographer why...

Well, I like it.

It's different.

Thank you.

What do you think Mr. goodring?

Well, I think I agree with Mr. Morrison.

He would, I just gave
him a raise.

Well, I'll go back to
my office now.

Are you expecting anybody else?

No, dear.

Oh, darling.

Oo, did I hate you when

that alarm clock went off this morning.

Well, don't blame me.

It was your birthday.

And our anniversary.

Married two whole months.

Shh, never mention that around here.

Walls have ears.

Sorry.

I keep forgetting I'm your secret bride.

= shh.

Benny, there's nothing I wouldn't do

to help you and your mother.

That's what momma says.

Momma says you'll be very glad
to help me get a job here.

Uh, the trouble is I, I can't.

I don't see why not.

I'm a graduated salesman.

I'm a b.S.

Yes, I know Benny but
there's a strict rule

in the office against hiring relatives

of anyone who works here.

= oh.

No relatives, huh?

Mr. Morrison made that rule last year

and nobody breaks any
rules of Mr. Morrison's,

that is not over once.

Goodbye, uncle Clarence.

= Mr. Miller?

Mr. Miller?

Uh, Benny?

Close the door.

I'm taking a chance.

After all, Anna's my only sister.

I'm her only boy.

Yes, and I'm writing a letter

of introduction to Mr.
Morrison but remember,

don't tell him that you're my nephew.

Who will I tell him I am?

Oh, just say that you're uh,
Benny Miller from cucamonga.

- But I am Benny Miller from...
- I know who you are!

I know you are.

Just a moment please.

That model's here, sir.

Ask that young man to wait.

Yes, sir.

= thanks.

I'll be back in a minute as
soon as I get a glass of water.

You know I drink four
quarts of water everyday?

Really?

= yeah.

I used to drink five but
now I don't get up so early.

= t wanna see Mr. Morrison.

Come right in and have a seat please.

I'll be right back.

Send that young man in.

Come in, come in, close the door.

Thank you.

I got a letter from my, I mean,

I got a letter that's about a job.

Yes, I understand.

Take your coat off please.

- Take my coat off?
- Mm hm.

Yes, sir.

Now uh...

And your shirt.

Take my shirt off?

Take your shirt off.

Why?

I wanna see your muscles.

Oh, you wanna see my muscles.

That's right.

Yes, sir.

And talkin' about my muscles,

I have the biggest muscles in cucamonga,

and you know how I got 'em?

I got those big muscles from
helpin' my mom up there.

= oh.

Yes, sir.

She picks the oranges and puts 'em

in the crates and then
I gotta lift the crates

and it gives me big muscles.

I'll let you know.

Yes, sir.

There you are.

Take off the rest of your clothes.

Come on, come on.

You mean my pants?

Yes, yes please.

All finished.

Ah, let's see.

Turn around.

You certainly don't look
like Hercules to me.

= who wants to look like a vacuum cleaner?

Who's talking about a vacuum cleaner?

I'm talking about Hercules, a man.

Surely you've heard of Hercules.

= what's his last name?

What?

= his last name.

Like Hercules brown, Hercules Ginsberg.

Everybody has a last name.

Look, no last name.

Just Hercules, an old Greek hero.

Oh, him.

Yes.

= what's he do?

= he cleaned out some stables.

= cleaned out stables?

That's nothin'.

I clean out stables every
week up in cucamonga.

Yes, but these stables were different.

Did they have horses in 'em?

Certainly they had horses in 'em.

Then if there was horses
in 'em, it's no different.

Look, I don't know what
you're talking about.

All I want you to do is pose as Hercules

in our new advertising campaign.

= but Mr. Morrison...

Quiet!

Sit down.

Mr. Morrison,

I have another idea for...
= sit down.

Excuse me.

Oh!

= Hercules.

It must be drafty down thee.

Come out before you catch cold.

It ain't my fault.

He made me do it.

Here are you clothes.

You can re-pants yourself in there.

Thank you.

I never was undressed like
this before in public.

Thank you ever so much.

= he's cute isn't he?

Why didn't you introduce me?

Introduce you?

Don't try to rib me.

What's the idea of sending
me a guy like that?

Hercules?

Of course, silly.

Show him your muscles chum.

Uh, never mind.

The job is yours.

Go ahead, get out.

Scram.

Go ahead.

If he's Hercules, who's that in there?

Maybe it's cupid.

I'm not kidding.

This can be serious.

Take it easy Eddie my pet.

Someone's probably just ribbing you.

That's just it.

If Van loan hears about this I'll be

the laughing stock of this office.

= t can hear them now.

They'll be calling you
take 'em off Morrison.

Oh, cut it out Hazel.

We've gotta do something to keep

that little guy's mouth shut.

Pull yourself together big shot.

Hazel will fix.

Come out, come out whoever you are.

=tl'm comin'.

Hello.

= hello there.

I'm Hazel temple from the art department.

I'm Benny Miller from cucamonga.

Oh, it's certainly wonderful meeting

a fella from cucamonga.

Thank you.

Do you mind if I fix your tie Benny?

No, ma'am.

Oh, you smell nice.

You smell just like, just like...

Just like what Benny?

Just like my momma's flower garden

on a bright moonlight night.

There, I said it.

Benny, there have been a lot
of mistakes made around here.

Mr. Morrison made the first one.

He mistook you for somebody else.

Yes I know, a Greek strong man.

He's awfully sorry, aren't you?

Uh, yes.

I've never been so
embarrassed in all my life.

I wish there was something I
could do to prove it to you.

Oh shucks, you can.

You can give me a job.

A job?

What kind of a job, handsome?

Oh, I ain't really handsome.

I'll be ya haven't got a salesman like me.

Now, listen to this.

Salesmanship is an art.

An art in knowing human nature.

It doesn't require great talent to sell

a customer something he come in to buy.

Good salesmanship is
selling a customer something

he did not come in to buy.

Sometimes a humorous
story will do the trick.

- I'll tell you a story...
- Yes, but I'm afraid...

Look, you're not going to let

this get away from you are you?

Uh, Miller I see you
have a way with women.

Uh, they like you.

That's somethin' we need around here

is a salesman with housekeeper appeal.

Report to work tomorrow
morning to Mr. elmore.

Oh, thank you.

- That's quite all right.
- Thank you.

That's quite all right.

Thank you, too.

Good luck Benny.

You've brought sunshine
into one of my darkest days.

= good.

Oh.

Oh.

Madame?

= no.

One, two, three, four.

Rule four.

When the door is open put your foot in it.

This will prevent an abrupt end

to your introductory remarks.

Foot in it.

Okay.

Madame, I come here to sell
you somethin' you don't want.

= nol!

Hey lady, give me back my...

Watch this Hercules machine pick up

the little pieces of paper.

And it really does it in a jiffy too.

There you are.

How's that?

Now, would you mind holdin' this please?

That's it.

Now, with this little bag of soot

I'm gonna put on the carpet...

Oh please, please don't put that soot

on my nice carpet.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Have no fear.

Hercules will pick it up.

= Hercules!

There you are.

- Oh!
- Thank you.

Now watch this job.

Really picks it up doesn't it?

Now, how's that?

But you've left a stain on my carpet.

= so I have.

But for that I must use a brush head,

made of fine long wearing pigs hair.

But before I show you that little gadget,

would you mind holding this please?

I wanna show you the reverse
flow of this little machine.

Now over here lady, if you just go

like this and turn it around,

now this will de-flea, delouse,
fumigate your entire house

from your basement up to your attic.

Now, first of all you
turn this little knob.

Easy?

Now, just a minute.

Would you please hold this?

It's very important.

Thank you.

And now you turn on the juice.

Young man, I've had plenty

enough demonstration for one day.

I don't want to.
Lady you ain't gotta scream.

Oh mercy, no!

My love seat!

My love seat!

Turn it off!

Turn it off!

Who put the black stuff in here?

Give me that, give me that.

Give me that!

Give me that!

Give me that!

Been with us one day
and he's cost us $2,000.

Goodring?

Yes, sir?

Do you know anything about this?

What was that name?

= hello.

Well put him on.

It's Miller.

Hello, Benny?

I have a letter here from
a uh, Mrs. hendrickson.

Oh, it was awful.

I tried to show her how
to fumigate her house

and the big bag with
the dust and the soot,

it blew all over her white
curtains and her love seat.

Oh, it's ruined.

You shoulda seen it.

And another thing, I've been robbed.

What do you mean you were robbed?

You mean to tell me that you
actually let someone walk

off with a brand new
demonstrating machine?

Oh, please,

Mr. Morrison I'm... = never mind!

You're fired.

T said fired!

I'd like to know how he ever got in here,

and don't think that I won't find out.

Uh, goodring you know
everybody in the office.

Yes.

Find out who sent that
apple-knucker into me.

And I'll fire him too!

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

Hello.

Uh, yes he's here.

It's for you goodring.

Oh, thank you, sir.

- It's all right.
- Thank you.

Excuse me please.

Uh, goodring speaking.

This is Benny, uncle Clarence.

Don't call me that you!

Oh uh, just a minute Jenny.

This ain't Jenny.

It's me, Benny.

Uh, Jenny I'm in Mr.
Morrison's office dear

and I can't uh, talk to
you now Jenny.

Yes, you uh, you meet
me in MacArthur park,

Jenny at noon time today.

Yes, Jenny.

Goodbye dear.

What's wrong with my uncle?

= you're a menace to both of us.

I feel like a tin can with
a dog's tail tied to it.

Now don't get discouraged Benny.

The competition here is pretty tough,

and I think you'd be a whole lot better

off starting in a smaller town.

What small town?

Well, there's lots of 'em.

Uh, have you ever been to stockton?

Stockton, California?

Yes.

The branch manager of Hercules there,

Tom Chandler is a pretty
good friend of mine

and I'm sure if I asked
him he'd put you on.

He would?

Oh boy.

When do I start?

Well, you take the night train,

you'd be there in the morning.

Oh, you're wonderful uncle Clarence.

Oh, please don't call me that again.

That's a promise uncle Clarence.

Psst!

Psst!

What's your berth?

March 6th, 19...

Where do you sleep?

= in bed.

= on the train?

Have you got a ticket?

Yes, sir.

Upper six.

Upper six?

Where's that?

Upper six.

= where's that?

Up there?

Ouch!

Ouch!

Hey!

What?

Get out!

Get it out, sir.

- What are you trying to do?
- Shh!

Be quiet.

Everything's all right.

I'm gonna get him up there.

All right madame, go back to sleep.

Everything's all right.

Go back to sleep.

Don't make any noise.

Shh.

That's much easier.

Oh!

= 20 minutes.

Stockton in 20 minutes.

Aw, good morning Mr. Miller.

Stockton in 20...

I trust you've had a pleasant sleep.

= Mr. Miller?

Oh, Mr. Miller?

= oh.

Mr. Chandler will see you now.

Thank you.

Excuse me?

Come in, come in.

= Mr. Chandler...

Morrison, Morrison!

= what's the trouble?

= Mr. Morrison.

He's in the other office.

Who?

= Mr. Morrison.

Whoa!

= now wait a minute.

Calm yourself.

Calm yourself.

Why, everybody makes the same mistake.

Mr. Morrison is Mr. Chandler's cousin.

= cousins?

Yes, you see his mother
and my mother were sisters.

Sisters?

Actually they both had the same mother.

My grandmother.

Yes, everybody in our
family looks like grandma.

Uh, sit down, sit down, sit down.

Thank you.

Now, this is strictly
between you and me man to man.

What do you think of my cousin?

Well, I uh, I uh, I, I, I mean...

You don't have to
tell me, I'll tell you.

He's a dirty, slave driving
double crossing skunk.

= you mean e.L. Morrison?

Yes.

He's a crook.

I'll say he is and I'll never
do business with him again.

I'll bet he took the
shirt right off your back.

And my pants too.

Sure, he would.

You know what he did to me?

= no.

He dreamed up that no relative rule

just to get me out of the
office and out of town.

Boy, is he repulsive.

I'll say.

Why he put a quota on this
branch that nobody can fill.

28 vacuum cleaners a week
and only seven salesman.

Mr. Chandler, 28 vacuums a week?

That's a lotta vacuums to sell,

and you only have seven salesman?

Certainly.

That means they gotta
sell 13 vacuums a piece.

You're right.

You...

13 vacuum cleaners a piece?

Yes, sir.

What are you talking about?

Seven times 13 is not 28.

Yes it is.

= seven times four is 28.

Mr. Chandler, seven times 13 is 28.

= seven times four is 28.

Did you ever go to school, stupid?

Yes, sir and I come out the same way.

= come here a minute.

You claim that seven
goes into 2813 times?

That's right.

= go ahead.

Prove it, prove it, prove it.

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

All right.

= there's the board.

Well, go ahead, go ahead.
All right.

Mr. Chandler I'm gonna prove it.

Go ahead.

Now you got seven salesman.

That's right.

Okay, here's the seven.

- Where is it?
- Right there.

All right.

Now, you got 28 vacuums
a week you gotta sell.

That's right.

I'm gonna divide.

There's your 28 vacuums.

Now wait, you claim that
seven goes into 2813 times?

That's right.

= show me.

= seven into two.

Seven won't go into two.

Certainly not.

So I gotta take the two from there

and put it down here, right over there.

= put it down there?

Yeah, I'm gonna use that after awhile.

That's, that's a cute little two.

= yeah.

Now, seven into eight.

= once.

= once.

Now I'm gonna carry the seven from here

and put it under the eight.

Seven from eight.

One.

A minute ago I didn't use that little two.

What are you gonna do?

I gotta use that two now.

I'm gonna take it from there,

and I gotta put it right there.

= uh huh.

Now, seven into 21.

= three times.

= that's correct.

Seven into 28, 13.

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Nothing of the kind.

What kind of figures are these?

Just a minute.
It's gotta come out right.

We'll multiply this.

Go ahead.

- Multiply it?
- Put down 13.

Okay.

13.

That's right.

Then seven salesman, put that down.

= seven salesman.

Now, you claim that seven
times 13 amounts to what?

28.

= prove that.

Seven times three. = that's 21.

= seven times one.

= seven.

- Seven and one.
- Eight.

= and the two.

- That's 28.
- 28.

Now, wait a minute!

How do you figure boy?

I figure good.

No, no, no.

You can't do that. That's right.

No, nothing of the kind.

We'll add this up.

Add 'em?

Put down 13 uh, seven times.

Okay.

That's one. = one.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six,

seven.

= now wait a minute.

You claim that all that
add it up amounts to what?

28.

If it does you got a job.

Thank you.

Three.

Oh no, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

Three, six, nine, 12, 15, 18, 21.

22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28.

What?

You're hired.

Oh, it's you Martha.

It's from him, it's from Benny.

From Benny?

Oh my goodness, I'm excited.

Oh.

Oh, I haven't got my specs.

Here, you read it dear.

"Dear momma, I'm fine
and hope you are the same.

"I am now working in
our branch in stockton.

"Uncle Clarence knows the manager here

"and wanted to do a favor by sending

"him a good salesman like me.”

Oh, wasn't that nice of Clarence?

"So far I haven't sold
any vacuum cleaners,

"so you'd better send me my
correspondence school records

"so I can study some more.

"Maybe I missed something.”

He missed a lot of sleep,
that's what he missed.

"Tomorrow night there's big doings.

"The president of our company is going

"to give us a long talk by shortwave."

Following our usual custom,

I shall award a special cash prize

to the salesman who has demonstrated

the most outstanding example of service

and salesmanship during the
vear ending tomorrow night.

I wish you all success and happiness

and again I remind you of
our slogan, it's in the bag.

I'm sure it was an inspiration

to all of us to have heard
Mr. Van loan's message.

To our branch offices
throughout the country I ask you

to extend your efforts to the utmost.

Ask yourself, did I do my very
best during the past year?

Did I use my best judgment?

Uh, don't be afraid to
be honest with yourself.

Even we in the home office
are sometimes a fool.

I will illustrate a point.

A few weeks ago a young man got

into my office seeking a job.

He had an honest face, even simple,

so he gave 'em the job he asked for.

Ladies and gentlemen, not only did

he fail to make a single sale,

he involved us in a lawsuit

and he lost his demonstrating machine.

So, to all managers I say beware

of simple looking little men with smiles

on their faces and
sawdust in their brains.

Look around you.

If you have anyone like that
on your payroll discharge 'em.

Don't burden yourselves with dead weight.

And in closing, may I repeat that I expect

every branch to meet its quota
or suffer the consequences.

Goodnight and good luck to you all.

Well boys, how do you like

being spanked on the pink network?

I'd like to show up that egg Morrison.

I realize that we're 12
cleaners behind in our quota

with only one day to sell them in.

Tell you what I'll do.

I'll double your commission on
every cleaner that you sell.

Let's go home.

Goodnight.

Thank you Mr. Chandler.

I'm sure we'll make our quota.

I think we will.

Good luck to you boys.

Thanks a lot boss.

= miss Burke?

Yes, sir?

Please.

This guy Miller.

Benny?

Oh, he's nice.

Yes.

How many cleaners has he
sold in the past two weeks?

Well, I don't know exactly.

I'd have to look it up on the books.

= well I know.

He hasn't sold any, not a one.

Make out his notice and
give it to him tonight.

He's fired.

Well, I'll tell ya why he
offered double commissions.

He's afraid of his job.

O'brien that dry wit of yours kills me.

Oh come on, come on, break it up.

Let's get down to Joe's
and get a couple of drinks.

Great, let's go.

It's a good idea.

You comin' along fella?

Aw, he doesn't drink ya dummy.

= oh.

Night.

Night.

Night.

Benny!

Where did the bunch go?

They went down to Joe's for a drink.

= oh.

Why didn't you go along with them?

O'brien says I don't drink.

Well do you?

= no.

Uh, look Benny, if you
haven't anything important on

would you mind walking home with me?

I don't mind, I guess.

Thanks.

What's the trouble, Benny?

You're lower then a
caterpillar with fallen arches.

I'll be all right.

You want me to mail a letter for ya?

= oh.

There's no hurry.

You know, I've never seen
you like this before.

Has somebody hurt your feelings?

= no.

I'll be all right.

You remember the speech Mr.
Morrison made over the radio?

When he asked everybody to ask themselves

if they were doin' their best?

Yes.

I asked myself.

Do you know the answer I got?

Yes.

I was doin' my best.

I learned that manual word for word.

Still, I can't sell any vacuums.

Well, maybe you're trying too hard.

Maybe.

I'm the worst salesman in stockton.

Perhaps if you just relaxed a little

and then went to some other town.

= some other town??

Yes.

= if a fella can't unlax in stockton

where else can he unlax?

Well, here's Joe's.

= here's Joe's.

Do you wanna go in?

= yeah.

= come on.

Say Mac?

Yeah?

Bring us a couple drinks will ya?

Coming up.

Hiya cute and cuddly.

Hiya, wolves.

I bright Benny along.

= t come unlax.

= well it's about time.

Come on, sit down. - Oh, thanks.

Hi Larry. - Hi, how are you?

What are you drinking?

Oh, a little scotch and water.

Come on, join us.

With you fellas?

Why sure, pull your chair up.

Thank you.

Baby, I got a hunch Gus
is about to buy you a drink.

Oh, swell.

- You ready?
- We'll see.

It's your turn.

= one.

= Joel

I'm stuck again.

= hello miss Burke.

Oh, hello Joe.

Shake hands with Benny, one
of the boys from the office.

= sure.

Me too.

= what'll it be miss Burke?

Oh, I guess I'll take
a short milk punch.

= what's that?

Uh, milk with a little whisky in it.

I'll have a milk
punch without the punch.

What kinda game was you
playin' with the matches?

Oh, why that's an old Egyptian
pass time called the ibray.

Uh, yeah it's uh, it's a
sort of a mind reading game.

Yeah, you try to guess

what's in the other guys mind.

Oh, that's almost impossible ain't it?

Oh, for most guys
veah but once in awhile

you find a fella that's uh,
clairvoyant they call it.

= oh.

I got a hunch Benny could do it.

=t don't think so.

Benny don't look very psychic to me.

= you wanna bet?

Well, I may be wrong but...

Pack of cigarette's
says Benny is the type.

Sure, quiet fella like him born

and bred up in the country.

All the fresh air and milk.

You got any cows on your farm?

Yes, I got a cow.

I gotta milk her twice a day.

=-if I don't milk her she moos.

What do you mean moos?

Moo.

= that's what I mean.

You see?

When Benny hears the cow making

that noise uh, uh, how does that go again?

Moo.

You see?

Benny reads the cow's minds

and knows it's time to milk him, right?

Right.

I remain definitely unconvinced.

Okay, we'll prove it.

How are you gonna prove it,

put him in a trance?

No, no, no.

We'll send Benny out of the room,

then we'll pick some object on the table.

Something that's in plain sight.

Then when Benny comes
back we'll concentrate

on the object and he'll guess what it is.

Oh, I don't think I can do that.

Why Benny, I'm betting you can.

You don't mind trying?

I'll, I'l try it but I
don't think I can do it.

That's very hard.

Okay.

Where do I go?

Right out there in the back room.

Oh yeah.

I'll give it a chance.

Now look boys, I'm just a little girl

from a hick town but
what's so funny about it?

Well the gag is we
don't pick out any object.

Nothing at all.

Whatever he
points to, no matter what,

we tell him that's it.

I should stretch my
girdle laughing at that.

Wait 'til you see the
expression on his face.

Believe me baby it never misses.

Send him in Joe.

Right.

Okay Benny.

- The...
- Now everybody's got

to concentrate or it isn't fair to Benny.

= it's this.

That's right.

Holy smoke.

Well, the son of a gun.

Listen Benny, how did you
know it was Ruby's glass?

Well, when Larry said for
everybody to concentrate,

I thought he was trying to throw me

off the track and get me mixed up.

Did you Larry?

That's right, I was.

Look Benny, to settle the
argument do it again will ya?

Oh, sure.

Only this time I think he should

be blind folded and maybe some
cotton stuffed in his ears.

= sure.

Benny doesn't mind do ya kid?

= oh no.

Puttin' cotton in my
ears and blindfoldin' me,

that's got nothin' to do with it.

Well how do you do it?

Well, I leave me mind go in a blank,

and then, it's awfully hard to explain.

Well, don't tell 'em Benny.

It's a rare gift you
should treasure in secret.

Come on mastermind.

Again?

Mm hm.

Let's have

a towel and some cotton, Joe.
Right.

There you are.

How long does this go on?

When does he finally found out it's a rib?

Who tells him?

You can tell him if you wanna.

You brought him here.

Well, how do they generally
take it when you tell them?

You'll find out.

Here we come.

Look out for the table, Benny.

Look out for that chair.

All right, here we go.

Here we are.

Right there.

We're all concentrating Benny.

All right.

Is this it?

Yes.

He did it again.

=t don't know how

he does it. - Marvelous.

- Give me the letter Benny.
- I really don't.

Oh, sure.

Well, are you satisfied?

Well, if you just try it once more.

- Okay.
- Oh have a heart.

Benny's tired.

= no I'm not.

Well I am and if you don't
mind I'd like to go home.

Okay.

Well fellas, I don't khow how to thank you

for showing me this
wonderful power that I have.

If there's ever anything I can
do for ya just let me know.

Oh, thanks a lot Benny.

You know, if you could read

my mind like I could read yours,

you'd know I mean every word of it.

- Come on Benny.
- Okay.

Goodnight fellas.

- Goodnight Benny.
- Goodnight.

See you tomorrow.

Come on, come on Ruby.

= we sure sold him.

= with all the attachments.

Benny?

Yeah?

Can I ask you something?

= sure.

Would you feel terrible if

you found out you weren't really psychic?

How do you mean?

Well, after all it isn't
very important is it?

I mean, what good is it to you?

Are you kiddin'?

That's the key I've been lookin' for.

The key to success.

How could I miss?

When I know what the other guy is thinkin'

as soon as he's thinkin'
whatever he's thinkin'.

But how do you know
you can always do it?

Look, how did I know you wanted

me to walk you home tonight?

Because I asked you to.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot.

You know, all this
ain't brand new with me.

I've been doin' this a long time.

You have?

Oh yes.

Like the time I walked into the room

and I saw my momma reading
a letter and she was crying.

Right then and there I
knew something was wrong.

Ti said aunt beulah's dead.

Was she?

= she sure was.

I used to think I was a
good guesser but now I know.

Oh, Benny get your feet back

on the ground will you please?

These mind reading stunts,
they're all tricks.

They're fakes.

= oh no it's not.

It runs in the family.

Take momma for instance.

Months and months before I was born,

momma told poppa she was
gonna have a baby and she did.

Honest.

= well here it is.

Oh um, Benny there's
something I have to tell you.

Ti don't know how.

It's the reason I asked you
to walk home with me tonight.

Yeah?

It all happened so suddenly,

there was really nothing
I could do about it.

Oh, you don't have to tell me.

Oh, but I do.

Oh no you don't.

I've already read your mind.

Ruby, there's somethin' I wanna tell ya.

I want you to know that
I like you an awful lot,

but I'm already engaged
to marry someone else.

Gee, I wish I'd have
told ya a long time ago,

before you go so infatuated with me.

That's life.

I'm sorry.

You poor kid.

= Jim?

Jim?

For heaven's sake please,

don't forget to stop at
the vacuum repairman's.

Cleaning the house with a
broom really gets me down.

All right, all right.

Goodbye dear.

Goodbye dear.

Good morning!

Good morning!

Say, looks like I come to the
right place at the right time.

You the man who's gonna
repair my wife's vacuum cleaner?

No, I'm the man who's gonna sell

your wife a brand new one.

Just get a load of that
beautiful little machine.

Trouble free, long wearing Hercules.

Did you ever see anything
neater or sweeter?

= how much?

Just about what it would cost you

to buy your wife a birthday present,

and this is somethin' she'd really like.

You don't know my wife.

Say look, show her what you got.

If she likes it tell her it's hers.

Here's my business address.

Okay.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Yes?

Excuse me, madame.

How would you like a nice vacuum cleaner?

Well, you must be a mind reader.

I certainly am and I
know what you're thinkin'.

Oh, you do?

You're wonderin' if this
whole thing is a trick.

= and is it?

No, ma'am.

This is a birthday present
from your husband to you.

= oh!

Well what a marvelous surprise.

Bless his heart.

I know what else you're thinkin'.

Oh, do you?

You're thinkin' how jealous all

the other women are gonna be around

here when they find out you got

a brand new Hercules vacuum cleaner.

That's right.

When the girls in our
sewing club see this today

they'll all have to have one.

Sewing club?

You know, I was...

Would you bring it in please?

Yes ma'am, yes ma'am, yes ma'am.

T was wonderin' if I know some

of the girls in your sewin' circle.

Oh, possibly.

There's Mary Davis next door

and there's grace heartland across

the street and then Edie Parker...

= be nice to me cookie.

I drew a blank today.

This won't keep you awake long.

Oh, there you are Ruby.

I spent two hours today
cleaning a dame's home for her.

Top to bottom, what do you think I got?

A gingersnap?

Two?

Yeah, the mother-in-law
finally broke down.

= gee-willikers!

Did I have a day today and
all on account of you Ruby.

Me?

Yes.

Didn't you take me to
that saloon last night?

Yes.

= if I hadn't have went in there

you fellas couldn't have
shown me I was a mind reader

and that's all I needed, believe me!

= what's he talkin' about?

Does he still think he's psychic?

Didn't you tell him it was a rib?

I tried to tell him but he's

a hard man to tell things to.

Oh, what's hard about saying

the boys were kidding you kid?

What did you talk about on the way home?

Now listen to me will ya?

Come on, come on, spill it.

= have three!

Have four!

Have five!

The poor guy musta blown his topper.

Have six!

Could we be legally responsible?

Seven?

Somebody better stop him before Chandler

comes plunging out of his office.

Eight?

What's going on here?

= nine.

Ti sold nine cleaners.

Count 'em!

The whole row!

The whole row!

If this is a joke...

This is no joke Mr. Chandler.

Come on, look at my order book.

Look.

Hey, give me my order book.

Mr. Chandler, just get
a load of these orders.

Mrs. Reeves, Mrs. lowell,
Mrs. Brady, Mrs. pedereechie.

I sold 'em to all the ladies
in the same sewing circle.

- Congratulations Benny.
- Benny, we're proud of you.

- Miss Burke, here.
- Thank you.

Didn't you fire him last night?

No, I didn't give him the letter.

But I'll give it to him now.

Uh, nevermind, nevermind.

It's very simple.

Benny my boy, you don't know it

but you've broken the all
time sales record for one day.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

Well, al Williams in
Chicago held the old record.

He sold eight machines but you sold nine.

How did you do it?

Well, by reading people's minds.

Uh, what?

I'm psychic.

You mean you read people's minds?

Yes.

What am I thinking of?

You're thinking I can't do it.

Well, well now that,
that was an easy one.

Let's try it again.

Now what am I thinking?

You're thinkin' of
callin' up e.L. Morrison

and tellin' him that you made your quota.

Benny, you're marvelous.

Boy, will I rub it in.

Come on in the office with me.

Come on. - Okay.

You fellas ought to take up
that mind reading stuff too.

It'll do ya good.

What?

You made your quota?

Stockton made their quota.

Yes.

How many?

Nine?

One salesman sold nine cleaners.

Bless my soul.

Let me talk to him.

Well, hello Mr. Van loan.

The president in person.

Uh, yes that's right a brand new record.

Uh, yes and believe it or not
he does it by mind reading.

Mind reading?

1 see.

He's psychic.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Mr. Chandler I don't
care how he does it.

Any man who can sell nine cleaners

in one day belongs here
in the home office.

So, you put him on the
train tomorrow night

and the company will pay all expenses.

The president wants you in Los Angeles.

= sure.

Uh, it's okay Benny, you
can keep your feet on my desk.

Yes, sir.

I'll tell him that he's
won the annual prize.

Uh, goodnight sir.

Benny.

Wonder boy.

Uh, what do you mean
you're a little disappointed?

I'm the best salesman
Hercules ever had ain't I?

Well, you broke record, yes.

Mr. Van loan sent for
me personally didn't he?

Well, yes.

The least he could've
done was meet me here

at the station in his
big private limousine.

What, with no brass band?

What?

Look Benny, don't be shocked

but Mr. Van loan doesn't
even know your name.

Are you kiddin'?

= no.

And when Mr. Morrison
discovers who you are,

he'll get rid of you fast if
we don't find a way to stop it.

I feel like bawling him out again.

Again?

Yes.

I felt like it yesterday too.

Now let's be serious Benny.

What are you going to do when uh,

Van loan discovers
you're not a mind reader?

But I am.

That's the secret of my success.

I penetrate people's brains
and leave my mind blank.

Well, it might be a good idea

to make Morrison's mind blank and tell him

a few things that nobody knows,

like for instance juggling the price

of Hercules stock and the two sets

of books I have to keep
account of his g.M.E. Account.

= what's the g.M.E. Account?

General manager's emergency account,

and Morrison's the only one
who can check out on it.

First he had me deduct 1% of
the receipts in that account.

Then he upped it to 3%.

Now I deposit 4% of the receipts
each month in that account,

and every time he ups
it he gives me a raise.

I'll see that he ups it again.

You'll do nothing of the sort.

If Morrison's pulling anything crooked,

which I think he is the law
might consider me an accomplice.

I tell you, I'm terribly worried.

Don't worry uncle Clarence.

Now that I'm here at the home office

I'm carrying a lot of weight around.

T'il fix it.

= that's what I'm worried about!

That's what I'm worried about.

Okay.

= so it occurred to me that Hercules

might get some inexpensive advertising

out of the public's curiosity
concerning mind readers.

Especially our mind reader.

Oh, what a lovely idea.

Yes?

Mr. Miller from

the stockton office is here.

Show him in please.

Miller, Miller.

Let's not forget that name again.

Mr. Miller, this is a
great pleasure I'm sure.

Welcome to the home office.

Thank you.

1 imagine you know who I am?

Oh yes, you're p.S. Van loan,

president of Hercules vacuum company.

That's e.L. Morrison over there,

general manager of the
Hercules vacuum company

and the girl over there,
now don't tell me.

That's uh, Hazel, Hazel,
Hazel temple, temple, temple.

Young man that's clever
no matter how you did it.

No matter how you did
it is right Mr. Miller.

Congratulations.

I always...

I'm sorry uh, just a
minute, just a minute.

I'll get you a chair.

Uh, here the couch.

Just right down here.

Don't you say a word about the trouble

you cased last time you were here.

Mr. Van loan won't like it.

I'll explain to you later.

Uh, sit down.

There we are.

Oh, does it hurt very much?

= all it can.

Oh, that's shame.

Mr. Miller, the company
will formally express

its appreciation of your efforts

at a meeting here tonight at my office.

We also have several
surprises in store for you.

= no more like this one.

That's very humorous.

Very funny, very funny.

That's not funny and I'm
not trying to be funny.

The first time I saw you I...

Hey, hold everything.

I'm, I'm sorry Mr. Miller.

I want to apologize.

Just let's forget the whole thing hey?

So, if you could really read minds,

you'd know exactly how I feel.

What do you mean if I
could really read minds?

T can.

= oh.

All you gotta do is concentrate.

All right.

Let's have fun.

I'll concentrate and you read my mind.

And then read mine.

= you can leave me out folks.

See?

He's afraid.

There's things goin' around in your mind

that nobody else knows about.

Such as the time me takin'
off my clothes in your office,

getting fired, and the g.M.E. Thing.

Mm hm.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, what is the g.M.E. Thing?

Oh, the g.M.E.

My uncle he told me, my,
I'm, I'm, I'm goin' home.

No.

My uncle didn't tell me nothin'.

You see, my uncle and I, we
sort of get together and,

and, and, and, and, and
sometimes, sometimes if the,

sometimes I get so mad I make a mistake.

You know
what he's talking about?

= t think I do.

Benny tuned in on the wrong
wave length, that's all.

G.m.e. Are the initials of

my favorite uncle, Gregory m. Elliot.

That's what I was concentrating on.

Could that be
the explanation, Mr. Miller?

Hm?

Mr. Miller? =- mm hm.

= huh?

Oh, yes, yeah!

Yeah, sometimes I get my wires mixed up.

Well, you don't have to apologize.

We won't take up any more
of your time Mr. Van loan.

I'll take care - well come on.

- Of him Mr. Van loan.
- Say goodbye Benny.

Goodbye. - Goodbye Mr. Van loan.

I'll be in my office in
case you need me Mr. Van loan.

It's uh, simply for your
own protection Benny.

We're your friends.

Surely.

Uh, miss temple here will explain

anything that confuses you.

= t am not confused.

She'll be back in just a minute.

I'll be right back Benny.

Uh, miss king, entertain Mr. Miller.

What does he mean, entertain me?

Oh, play games with you maybe.

Play games?

I love games, do you like games?

Oh, I love 'em.

Can you go like this?

= like this?

That's very important in this game.

I got a little gadget here.

I like it so well I bought a lot of 'em.

I'm gonna sell 'em sort of as a sideline.

This is very cute.

Now wait 'til you see this.

Oh.

You're gonna love it.

You try it.

Ain't that cute?

All different colors too.

Swallowed one.

= who told him about that g.M.E. Account

and what else does he
know about my business?

Is he a company spy?

A blackmailer?

Or can he really read minds?

=sonow I'min it.

You're nothing at all.

You are just interested in Benny.

Okay.

But I don't like it.

Oh boy, what a big bunch of bubbles.

All right Benny.

Put your toys away and
say goodbye to miss king.

Goodbye.

You may have this.

Oh, thank you.

It's just what I wanted.

= t knew it.

How 'bout driving to
the beach for lunch?

Would you like that?

Have you got a good place to eat?

Oh, you just leave it to me honey.

Miss temple is still out.

= I'm Martha hill.

Oh, I'm glad to see you my dear.

I'm Mr. goodring.

How do you do?

Come in darling, come right in.

Sit down my dear.

I'm sorry Benny's mother couldn't

have come with you to help us celebrate.

It isn't much fun trying to celebrate

when you have a cold as bad as she has.

No, I suppose not.

How is Benny?

Oh, he's uh, fine, fine.

You didn't tell him I was coming.

Well uh, no.

As a matter of fact I haven't

seen him since I telephoned you.

= oh?

Yes.

You see uh, well, he went
out just before lunch

with one of the girls in the office.

= oh.

Um, she, they have a, well,
it's part of Hazel's job,

entertaining the visiting firemen.

= oh.

I can't imagine
what's keeping Benny.

= at last!

My little gray home in the west.

For awhile today I was afraid it

was going to be paradise lost.

Put your things there Benny.

Oh.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Did we have fun at that place.

Mm hm.

What was the name of that?

= the venice amusement pier.

Oh, that was a wonderful place.

And boy, did you spend
a lot of money on us.

Especially on all the rides.

Those terrific rides and
the shoot-the-shoots.

Down and up and then take my breath away.

And on the big high Ferris wheel.

Did we have fun when we were stuck way up

on the top and then the tunnel of love.

You must like them things.

Oh yes.

I'm crazy about them.

Benny, do you mind if I get
into something more comfortable?

Will you excuse me a minute?

Make yourself at home.

Do you mind if I have a piece

of candy while I'm waitin' for you?

Aren't you afraid you'll

wear your teeth down to the bone?

What?

Three packages of cracker Jack,

two sacks of peanuts,

one of those sweet gooey
red apples on a stick,

and three chocolate malted milk shakes.

You forgot the banana split.

You remember, with all the fruit on it?

Hubba hubba.

Relax darling.

I gotta go home now

and get dressed for the meeting tonight.

Oh, there's plenty of time.

Why don't you sit closer to me?

= I'm comfortable over here.

What's the matter, don't you trust me?

Well, as long as you say so.

All right.

You know, there's
somethin' you gotta know.

Really?

Mm hm.

What is it?

Lips that touch liquor
will never touch mine.

Hm.

Look Benny. = mm hm?

I've been trying all afternoon

to get you to talk about yourself.

The real you.

You know you're a frightfully
interesting character.

Oh yeah.

I imagine most women
find you fascinating.

Mm hm.

Angel, you're sweet.

Hazel's dying to know all about you.

What you did up in stockton and how

you found out all those wonderful secrets

you imagined to Mr. Van loan.

Won't you tell me in your own sweet way?

Mm hm.

You see, I said to Mr. Van loan like this,

ti said Mr. Van loan?

You're...

You're wearin' that moonlight
and roses perfumery again.

Especially for you Benny.

Am I very silly?

I gotta get outta here

before you lose control of yourself.

Hand me a smoke, will you?

Oh.

Have a cigar.

Oh Benny, that reminds me.

Tonight at he meeting, well
there's a sort of a tradition.

Mr. Van loan will hand you a box

of specially made cigars
and you're supposed

to take one and then pass the box around.

Oh no because I don't smoke cigars.

I don't smoke anything.

T never even smoke corn silk.

Well, don't you think you better begin

to practice on one now?

Why?

Well, after all you're
the guest of honor.

Oh, the guest of honor?

Yes, and you don't wanna appear foolish

and amateurish in front of everybody.

= no?

= no.

Look, I'll show you how you do it.

First you snip off the end like that.

Then you put it in your mouth.

Now you light it.

My uncle Clarence would be proud of me.

Mm, he will.

Now start puffing.

That's right.

Oh, you're doing fine.

Oh, you're choking.

Oh, you should choke.

= how do I not choke?

Clamp your teeth on it tight and,

don't puff so fast.

= puff slow?

That's right.

I'll puff slow.

= fast and slow.

Then fast.

Oh, it's marvelous the
way you pick things up.

No wonder you're such a success.

Oh, I love a man with courage.

Keep puffing.

Brother, have you got it.

Keep puffing.

It shows in your eyes.

You have that mystic far away look.

Keep puffing.

Here come on Benny boy.

Come on.

Straight ahead.

Hello.

What did you find out?

Absolutely nothing.

That's just dandy.

Look, you keep him right there with you.

Would it be too inquisitive

on my part to ask how I do that?

And above all don't let him
go to that meeting tonight.

I hope you know what you're doing.

All right.

Goodbye.

Uh, get me long distance please.

Benny?

Look, Benny if you'll open the door

I'll give you something
to quiet your nerves.

Come on Benny boy.

Oh Benny!

Oh for heaven's sake.

Come on Benny.

Come on.

- I got all wet!
- We'll get you all fixed up.

Come on, get out of the tub Benny.

Okay.

I don't feel too good.

Come on Benny.

Oh!

Now give me your coat.

My coat?

Yes, your coat.

= I'm so sick.

= you'll feel better later on.

I hope I do.

Oh, oh!

Now give me your tie.

=I'm so weak too.

No more cigars for me.

I never felt like this in my life.

Benny.

- I mean, you know...
- Now take off your shirt.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, I ain't that weak.

I'll get off myself.

Well, when you get it off put this on.

Yes, ma'am.

= and I'll call a tailor.

= is the tailor comin'?

Yes, he'll come and get all

your clothes dry and ironed and pressed.

Tell him not to bring any cigars.

And I don't want no chocolates either.

Here Benny.

Okay.

Okay Benny, come alive.

Oh, Benny.

= I'm so sick.

You poor little thing.

Just come right over to the bed.

Oo!

I want my momma.

Well, we'll get her for you baby.

Here's a glass of water.

And here's something that will
quiet you down but good if...

Just a minute please!

Here you are Casanova.

You're supposed to swallow it you know?

Like candy.

All right.

Look sweetheart, the pill.

I'll take the pill.

Will you bring these back
as soon as you can please?

Yes, ma'am.

I hope nothing serious
has happened to Benny.

Maybe I'd better telephone
miss temple's apartment.

Let's see,

yes, here it is.

Starlight arms apartments,
wiltshire boulevard.

Whitney 7039.

Uh, yes sir?

Goodring?

Come into my office at once.

Oh, very well sir.

Mr. Van loan wants to see me right away.

That's funny, I wonder what he wants.

Oh dear.

= hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hazel?

Hazel?

Hazel?

Hazel?

Before I go completely insane

tell me what is this all about?

Hazel?

Hazel, before I toss this boyfriend

of yours down the elevator shaft wake up!

Hazel?

This is a fine time for company.

What do you want?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm looking for Benny Miller.

Well, you've certainly
come to the right place.

I'll give you what's left of him

after I get through with him.

Oh, nothing's happened to him?

I mean, he's all right isn't he?

Who are you?

= I'm Martha hill.

Benny and I are to be married.

Married?

That's a laugh.

Come here.

Take a look at your loving bride groom.

Take a good look.

Benny!

Who is she?

That's my wife!

Wake him up so I can kill
him when I come back.

Benny?

Benny, Benny wake up, wake up!

= oh.

Hello Martha.

Marthal

Martha, I can explain everything.

= I'm not interested.

Put on your clothes and get out

and then I don't care what happens

to you ever as long as you live!

= Martha?

Martha?

Oh.

What did I do wrong now?

Thank you Mr. Morrison.

You're welcome.

Mr. Morrison, isn't it terrible>

fine guy that Benny.

Calls on my wife and sends
his clothes out to be pressed.

Oh, wait until I get my hands

on that fat throat of his...
Mr. Morrison,

I'm just as mad as you are

but Benny's not like that, honest.

If you'll just let me take care of him.

No, no I'm bigger and stronger

and far more brutal then you are.

= t didn't meant that.

Benny's a lamb only he
belongs down on the farm.

I've got my car outside now.

I'll take him back to
cucamonga tonight, please.

- Cucamonga?
- Yes.

- Now?
- Mm hm.

Okay.

Take him away.

I never wanna see him again

and that's that! - Hey, hey!

== - where's...

Well, how do you like that?

Trying to steal my pants again.

- That's it!
- Oh!

= hello.

Uh, oh yes p.S.

Yes, I'll be right over.

Uh, Mr. Van loan, boys and
girls of the home office,

this reminds me of the wedding

to which everybody came except the bride.

Could it be, could it be that

the great mind reader is absent minded?

No, I don't think so.

The truth of the matter is

he's afraid to show up here tonight.

I can prove to you that he
definitely is not a mind reader.

There never was one.

Uh, would you kindly come
to the platform miss Burke?

= oh.

Would you mind?

Folks, allow me to
introduce miss Ruby Burke,

Mr. Chandler's secretary.

President Van loan,
ladies and gentlemen,

at the the request of Mr. Morrison,

ti flew down from stockton this afternoon.

I don't care what you
promised Mr. Morrison.

He don't scare me.

How can you be so stubborn?

I ain't stubborn and
I ain't gonna leave here

until I get the special cash prize

for being a good salesman.

Hey look, there's Ruby.

And who is Ruby?

Oh, she was the best
friend I had in stockton.

Ain't she cute?

You do all right don't you?

Hazel, Ruby.

You don't need to join the Navy.

Oh, you don't understand.

Ruby was only trying to help me.

= that's what I mean.

You always find some girl to help you.

First me, then Ruby, then Hazel.

Well you can have them.

See if I care?

And get Ruby or Hazel
or some other silly girl

to help you outta the mess you're in.

I wouldn't raise a finger to help you

and I wouldn't marry you
for anything in the world.

= marthal

we're engaged!

And the the boys started ribbing Benny.

You know, the old mind reading gag?

No matter what article it was he pointed

to they'd say that was it.

Honestly it was pitiful
the way Benny fell for it.

The boys could hardly
keep their faces straight.

And when Larry brought him in blindfolded

with a bar towel and big pieces

of cotton sticking out of both ears,

Well, on the way home I tried to tell him

that he wasn't really psychic but...

Uh, didn't he believe you?

= no.

Not only that but he thought
I was proposing to him.

Oh, come on darling just a little bit.

Come on baby.

Aw, sweetheart please.

Come on darlin'.

Aw, sweetheart won't you do that?

Come on.

Come on, come on.

Just move a little.

= hello Mr. Perkins.

Oh, hello Benny.

Wanna give me a hand here?

I thought you were in Los Angeles.

= t was but I come back home.

I see,

somethin' go wrong?

Everything went wrong.

I lost my girl, I lost my job,

I lost a lot of money and I lost a vacuum.

I lost everything.

Oh no, you still got
a home and your mother.

You bet ya I still have a mother.

Look Mr. Perkins, my mother loves birds.

I brought her home a canary.

Will you give me a lift to the house?

I will I tell you, if you help me

get astabula home I'll
ride ya to the house.

What do you want me to do?

Well, just take him by the head here

and I'll get in the back and
see if we can't get him movin'.

Okay.

All right.

= come on astabula.

Come on now.

Astabula, come on.

Come on, pull Benny!

Come on astabula!

= come on astabula.

I wanna go home and see my mother.

Astabula.

= come on.

Astabula get goin'. = come on.

Mr. Perkins?

- Now get.
- Mr. Perkins?

You better come out and pull him

and I'll get up and drive him.

All right Benny, you get up here

and I'll get there down
there with the head.

Okay.

Now, wait 'til I get all set here now.

- All right now?
- Go ahead, push him.

- Hey, hey!
- Come on, get goin'.

No, no!

Not this end, not this end!

Mr. Perkins! - Oh!

That's all right I got him by the head.

The, nevermind.

This is the end that
worries me, not the head.

Now come on, come on.

Come on, how.

Hey!

Mr. Perkins!

Hey Mr. Perkins!

Will you stop teasin" him?

I'm trying to get him to move here,

that's what I'm trying to do.
Yeah, he's movin'

this other end.

Mr. Perkins, Mr. Perkins?

Don't try to to pull him.

Come on over on this end and push.

Push like that. All right Benny.

- Go ahead.
- I'll push him from the rear.

= come on astabula.

Hey, hey! - Astabula! I

astabula! - I better get up.

= astabula! I

astabula!

Listen, Mr. Perkins!

No more of that now.

Come on astabula.

Astabula!

Oh!

Mr. Perkins make her stop!

Mr. Perkins?

Nevermind.

Mr. Perkins, I'm gonna walk.

I'm, I'm gonna walk.

My bird.

My bird.

Oh, he's here!

Benny, Benny!

Oh, Benny I thought you'd never come back.

You mean you're not mad at me Martha?

= no.

It was the longest most
horrible night I ever spent.

Me too.

I had a terrible time hitchhikin' up here.

Sometimes I'd get a ride
and sometimes I didn't.

Mostly I didn't.

I'll bet mom's awfully disappointed at me.

Me comin' home without the
$10,000 I promised her.

= no.

She never once thought
you'd make that much.

= she didn't?

Benny!

Oh, oh!

Mom.

I'm glad you're back, son.

I'm glad too, mom.

Aw.

Gee whiz, gosh almighty, hidey tidy,

what did I do wrong now, mom?

Hello Benny.

How's our star salesman?

It's about
time you got home young man.

Surprised to see us?

He thought he'd done
something wrong, bless him.

Not Benny.

- I don't quite...
- Now relax Benny.

Mr. Van loan drove us
down here in his car.

He's just been telling us how

you sold nine cleaners in one day.

= it was a mistake.

= no it wasn't!

When you believed you could read minds

it gave you confidence in yourself.

Now, I'm so convinced you can do it again,

I'm appointing you sales
manager of our cucamonga branch.

Me?

Sales manager?

But what'll Mr. Morrison say?

Mr. Morrison isn't with us any longer.

Mr. Chandler is our new general manager.

You?

Yes.

= good.

And uh, here.

Here's a check for that double
commission I promised you.

Thank you.

And this is a special cash prize

you neglected to pick up last night.

Thank you.

I'm still a salesman and now a manager.

Uh, Benny?

All right Benny. - Benny, Benny.

- All right Benny.
- Oh my goodness.

= marthal

Benny!

Oh, I must get my glasses.

It looks like $10,000.

That's right and not a nickel too much

when you consider what
Benny saved the company.

Mom, here's the $10,000 I promised ya.

Here's the bonus check.

Buy your rockin' chair.

Son.

Speech, speech, speech.

Come on.

Oh no, I really don't know what to say.

Oh, say anything.

Sometimes when you get stuck

for words a humorous
story will do the trick.

The one about the husband and the wife?

Wife.

Will you excuse us?

Surely.

Unfinished business?

Come on folks,
breakfast is gettin' cold.

Momma!

Momma!

Martha just said yes!

We're gonna be married.