All language subtitles for A Deal with the Universe

[Jason] There's nothing to see,
but there's everything to hear.

Seems a long walk, Trace.

Shut the door
and don't tread in the fish.

-[Tracey speaks indistinctly]
-[Jason] OK. Listen.

That could be
a shooting star. Look up.

[Jason]If all goes to plan,

this will be
the last holiday we take,

just the two of us,
for a while.

This is my partner, Tracey.

And I'm Jason.

This is very sore.

Pink.

-I'm pink and fat and foolish.
-[Tracey laughs]

[Jason]I bought
this video camera

because Tracey and I
are about to embark

on something really exciting

and I want to film it all.

Here we are, on our way up

to the Chapelle Notre-Dame
de Grâce.

We came here two years ago and,
apparently, some Louis XIV...

Somebody like that.

Yeah, had come here, they'd been
childless for 22 years

and they came to this chapel

and then they immediately
got pregnant.

[Jason] Previously, pilgrims
would have come on their knees.

-We are in sandals.
-[Tracey] Yeah, yes.

[Jason] Madonna, Mary,
Virgin Mary, Mother of Our Lord,

we beseech you and pray to you

that you may give us
a child too,

that we can hold in our arms,

like you hold the baby Jesus,
Amen.

[Jason]Right, but first, we're
just gonna rewind a few years.

Here's the backstory.

[Jason] Come out here.
Sit on the bench.

[Jason's mum]
You order me about.

[Tracey] But you do it.

I do it. [laughs]
I don't know why I do it.

[Jason] All right,
Mum, what's my name?

-Jay.
-[Jason] Which is short for?

[sighs] Jason.

-[Jason] Middle name?
-[laughs] Elvis.

-[Jason] Surname?
-Barker?

[Jason] Thank you.

What do you think'll happen
when I've got a beard?

[whispers] Shh,
next-door neighbour's listening.

The next-door neighbour's
listening. Not that I mind...

Are you actually gonna have
a real big beard?

-[Jason] Yes, ZZ Top.
-Are you?

It's 2003. Tracey and I live
together in a flat in Hackney,

but we also have
this caravan in Kent.

[Tracey] Flex your muscles.

I've been on testosterone
since 2000.

I've had chest surgery, haven't
got the ZZ Top beard yet,

but I think I look pretty fine.

We both always imagined
ourselves being parents;

just felt that we had
lots of love to give.

When we first started
trying for a baby,

I wished I had a penis
and testicles

and could provide the sperm.

I just felt useless.

[Jason] I just killed a spider.

After about two years of trying
with a friend donating sperm,

we went to a clinic
and they did some tests

and the tests said
that it was unlikely to work

with Tracey's eggs.

[Jason] Let me see you
in the sunlight, Trace.

And then I thought,
well, actually...

[Jason] All right, beautiful.

..my penis would be
a bit useless at this point,

but what I do have
is some ovaries.

The clinic had suggested
the possibility

of using donor eggs.

We said, "Well,
what about my eggs?"

They said they'd have to put
that to their ethics committee.

[Jason] Do it, Trace.

All right, missus.

No? Not like it
out of the hand?

[Jason]
Remember to hold it flat.

The ethics committee said no.

They said they didn't feel that
gender-swapping was conducive

to the welfare of a child.

We were devastated.

Oh, you chew that one.

You impressed me
with your bicycle tricks

on our first date.

[Jason] I did, didn't I?

Were you genuinely impressed
or are we laughing now, but...?

Yeah, it was really good fun.

[Tracey] She did bicycle tricks
in front of my car.

[Jason] Look at that,
beautiful.

I know, and we're not
even looking at the real thing,

-we're looking at...
-At the what?

We're looking at the video
of the sunset.

-I look about 90.
-[laughs] I look about eight.

And, then a friend said,
"Well, try another clinic."

So, we did and they said yes.

So, I stopped testosterone,

my periods started again
and we were off.

There are some things
that I would miss

when I stopped taking
testosterone.

I missed the ease
that your body makes muscles

when you take it.

You only have to brush
your teeth

and you can see
your arms sort of flexing

and just generally
the way I look.

I liked how I look.
I liked... I liked myself.

But, I thought, "All right,
my body's changing yet again

and hopefully
a very temporary situation,"

and I thought, "Well, I'll just
have a laugh with it."

-Hello.
-[audience] Hi.

I'm gonna talk this evening
about the menstrual cycle.

-[laughter]
-But I have...

two things to explain.

Number one is some background
information about me

and why I'm talking
about the menstrual cycle.

So, the truth is,

I'm very, very, very bad
at being transsexual.

Terrible at it.

I transitioned and then
I stopped taking testosterone

and I now have periods,
and so I'm talking about them.

I'm talking about them
because I'm fascinated.

-I'm a menstrual geek.
-[applause]

When the eggs were growing
on my ovaries,

I felt like a lioness,
really protective.

And then they were harvested

and fertilised
and put back into Tracey.

It was just
a really magical time;

both of us, in it together.

And, you know,
I felt like cock of the walk.

[Jason] Your family haven't
quite got the hang of whose egg

-and whose sperm...
-Oh, am I...? Oh, right.

God, I didn't know
I was on camera.

No, but lots of people haven't
got the hang of it yet either.

[Jason] It's been
quite complex, hasn't it...?

[laughs] It's been
a long journey.

[Jason] ..whose genomes
are represented?

[laughs] Well, I forget,
so if I forget,

I figure, well, other people
are kind of entitled

to forget if I do.

It didn't work.
Tracey wasn't pregnant.

The thing about
fertility treatment,

it's like playing
a fruit machine.

You've invested
so much money already,

so much money and time
and hope,

and what do you do,
just walk away?

Or give it another go?
Might get lucky.

We decided to give it
one more try.

[Jason]
What did you find, bird?

[Tracey] Found a nest.

A little nest. It's beautiful.

I don't want to take it away
because it looks so nice.

We don't have to.
We can keep it.

That's true. It's good luck.

Nest. Aw.

Here we are in lovely Rutland.
[laughs]

And so, here we are.

Looking for a pagan goddess.

It's 2005 and we're gonna go
for it again.

[Jason] I guess that
those were breasts.

[Tracey] It's been put round
the back for some reason.

I don't know why. Not very nice.

[Jason] And what happened here?

[Tracey] And here,
got a needle put in it.

But it's all right.

It looks hideous, looks grim,
but it's fine.

[Jason] It looks
really fucking grim.

[Tracey] Looks really grim,
doesn't it?

But it's fine, it's not sore.

It's not even sore. It's a bit
sore today, but it's fine.

[Jason] And what's going on
with this breast?

[Tracey] It's got a cancer
in here. Here, I can feel it.

I can feel it there
under the skin.

I don't like to feel it too hard
because it's a bit bruised,

but just there.

I can actually feel it.

But it's gonna be fine.

[Jason] You have pretty eyes.

I probably look tired and silly.

[Jason] You look good
on the camera.

You've got pretty eyes
on the camera.

It's going to be
the tit diaries. [laughs]

[Jason] You don't have to
get your knockers out.

-I'm putting my knockers in.
-[Jason] Oh, I see.

Thank you. It's because
I had my bra undone.

No, good news today.
Stage one cancer.

[Jason] Puss.

Yeah, no, but life
isn't gonna be the same again,

-because it's like...
-No, it's not.

[Jason] I wish I had a fucking
tripod. It's so unfair.

Unless I balance the camera
onto something.

Yeah, I want to move you
slightly,

because I don't like having
the computer...

No, but documentaries

always have computer screens
in the background.

-Do they?
-Yes.

We've been together
for ten years.

Nearly.

And we started out ten years ago
with four breasts between us.

We will be very lucky
to have one.

We will have one.

We will have one, unless
it's something with the lymph,

which is pretty unlikely.

Because Tracey's always been one
for flashing her knockers.

I have, so I've only got
one left to flash.

Oh, God, flash the one.

One of the first times,

what was that club
that said no fat girls?

No, I'm not going
to talk about that.

And you...

I'm worried that
when I do have no breast here,

if you put your bra on
like this,

I think maybe your tits
kind of stop,

I think the bra
might go like that,

because there'll be no tit
to hold it in place.

It might go slip.

[Jason] No, it'll just go flat.
It'll just go flat and empty.

So, it won't slip up

because there's no weight
of bosom in it?

[Jason] No, it'll be
like me wearing a bra.

[laughs] Yes.

-Look, it stays, it's fine.
-Do this.

It pulls up a bit, doesn't it?

Yeah, but you'll have one
in there.

Mind you,
this is not the right size.

A 36 bra would be the right size
for you. This is a 38.

[laughs] Really?

Yeah.

This looks rather nice.

I like these on your manly
shoulders. Freckles.

I do, I like that.

God, it really...

It's like, in all of this,
people have been saying,

"Ooh, I can see it,"
but you know...

When I've got my arm down,
you can't.

I've got hairy armpits,
so I'm embarrassed,

but you can see it now.

But that's probably because
it's got

a dirty big bloody marker
thing on it.

Yeah, that isn't the cancer.
It hasn't made...

No, the cancer hasn't turned
into a black dotted line.

-Toadstool circle.
-[laughs] Toadstool circle.

But it's going soon.
It only has a few days left.

It's the mid-'90s. Tracey and I
have just got together

and we're driving up
to Blackpool for the weekend.

We stop halfway
at a service station

and we've got cups of coffee
and jam doughnuts.

And there are these blokes

on the table next to us
and they notice me.

I've got very short hair
and big butch tits back then.

They start all this,

"Oh, fucking dyke!
Look at the state of that."

And, Tracey, she gets her jam
doughnut, she splits it in two

and she rubs the jam
all over her face.

"I'll give them something
to look at," she says.

I think, "Wow. I love you."

[Jason] Why didn't you want me
to make the film?

Because I thought
it was going to be the film

that people
were gonna watch after I'd died,

and, for you, it was the film
that made it all right.

For me, it was the film
that meant...

Oh, I don't know, some nonsense

about people would watch it
and say,

"Oh, look, she was so lovely."
[laughs]

-[Jason] Do you think?
-Yes.

The humour has improved.

So, do we want
to see the result?

-[Jason] Yeah.
-OK.

Here we go.

It's the non-breast chest thing,
whatever you call it.

So, we can put Tracey
into normal clothes,

we can walk down
and get an ice cream.

Ooh, an ice cream.
That's a treat.

[Jason] Look at you, outside.

[laughs] Yes, I'm out,
without a bust,

which makes actually
your clothes

fit in a really
peculiar way,

-as you can see.
-[Jason] What happens?

[Tracey] It makes me
look pregnant, for starters,

which is very bizarre,
because I'm not, of course.

Though that might
be something to do

with the way I'm wearing...
Oh, God.

[Jason] Actually, from here,

the dart is making
a kind of ghost breast.

[laughs] A ghost breast,
a hollow bosom.

I know it doesn't look
as obvious

as it would in a T-shirt,
but it makes this fit all wrong.

Kind of, the collar goes funny
and stuff, I think.

Chest, breast.

This is the sacred breast,

which must be preserved
under all circumstances.

[Jason] Our track record
does not bode well.

I know. I wonder
if we can hang on to it

for a few more years,
hopefully.

[Jason] Puss? That isn't grass.

Hey, look, I'll get you some,
this is grass.

Puss? That's grass.
You're eating bulbs.

You're gonna be sick,
that's like onion.

Get it out, get it out.

Get it out your mouth. There.

That is something like crocus.
It's not for you.

Well, we had
some excellent news today.

The consultant came
and spoke to Tracey

and said they'd taken 17
of her lymph nodes.

None of them had any
cancer cells in them,

which is excellent.
It means that Tracey

doesn't have to have
chemotherapy or radiotherapy

and, in fact, that's that.

It's just a matter
of getting her home now.

They found that the tumour
was three centimetres big,

and was oestrogen
and progesterone sensitive,

which means that Tracey
now forever

will be taking
some sort of drug,

probably Tamoxifen, Tamozifen,

which blocks oestrogen
and progesterone

and more or less sort of puts
you into a menopausal state.

It's Thursday now.
She's been for a week and a day

and I miss her immensely.

Oh, my God, this is heaven.
This is so nice.

Come see me, you bastard cat.

The cat's fucking scared
of my bloody drip.

The cat with my drains. [laughs]

[Jason] Oi, Catipuss, no.

[Tracey]
What's she trying to do?

[Jason] You can't play with it.

[Tracey] Is she trying
to play with it?

[Jason] Yeah.

No, I think it feels like, like
when swans come down to land

and they take
a really, really long way,

they take ages to come down

and their little legs out,

looking for the ground,
all like this,

and they just have to have
a really long distance

to land on the water.

And it just feels like that now,

that we've been sort of right
up there

and not, like,
lovely in the sky,

just this really,
really mad place

and now we're kind
of coming down to land

and it's just getting used to
the, yeah, life after cancer,

I suppose.

And how it's going to be.

And I know it's gonna be fine,

but it's just gonna take
a little while, I guess.

-[applause]
-Good evening.

I thought I'd talk to you
this evening a little bit about

using men's changing rooms
when you don't have a penis.

[laughter]

Ah, see, first tip, men don't
wear their towels like a dress,

they wear them like a skirt.

[laughter]

[Jason] Do you know...

Men's changing rooms,
women's changing rooms,

totally different world.

Totally different culture.

For a start,
women look at each other.

For the most part,

men don't look at each other
and I'll tell you why.

First time I'm in a men's
changing room after swimming

and I saw this.

I saw a man use the hairdryer
to dry his feet.

Now, as I saw him do this, I'm
used to women's changing rooms,

so I'm kind of looking round.

Where is the wave of disapproval
from everyone?

Which you get.

Have you ever seen a woman
dry her feet with a hairdryer?

[woman] I do dry my feet
with a hairdryer.

Well, I've never seen it
in public.

I never saw a woman dry her feet
with a hairdryer.

I have seen a man dry his
entire body with a hairdryer.

He's actually
put a foot up on the chair,

moved his tackle to one side,

dry his crack with a hairdryer
and no one says a thing.

I mean, we all just carry on,
you know,

oh, get dressed, you know.

No one says a thing.

So, for the most part,
nobody looks.

But, sometimes they do.

So, I can talk a little bit

about the times
that they do look.

So, this one time, I'm getting
dressed, ignoring everyone.

Everyone's just getting dressed,
just put my trousers on.

Just putting my trousers on
and this guy,

you know those kind of men
that want attention?

"Here, mate. Here, here,
mate, mate."

And he says, "Here, mate,
I know you're a tit man

because you're trying
to grow your own."

And, I'm thinking,
"Oh, um, right."

"What to say. I don't know.
I don't know."

So, then, you know that thing
when you get home

and then you think
about what happened

and then you get all
the witty lines?

Yeah? It didn't happen.

And, that was two years ago

and I still don't know what
to say.

[laughter and applause]

As Tracey recovered,
we both thought a lot

about what we really wanted
from life.

With Tracey on these drugs

that would put her
in a menopausal state,

we couldn't think about
her carrying a baby any more.

That door was firmly
shut to us.

So, we start thinking
of a new plan.

[Jason] Moving on,

because we're tired
of breast cancer now.

Oh, are we? Oh, OK. What do we
have to talk about now?

[Jason] What's the latest
on plan B?

Oh, God, do we have
to talk about that?

-[Jason] Yeah.
-Lord.

I don't know, you've got some
kind of freaky plan,

some kind of stupid idea that
you can have a baby. [laughs]

I'm never in any clothes
that look nice.

I always end up being
just in whatever I'm wearing.

[Jason] You end up
in a dressing gown.

Yes, I do. It looks like I wear
a dressing gown all the time.

I know, that's why
I'm trying to hide it.

I don't want to do it now,

because you're laughing at me
being in this dressing gown.

It looks horrible.

I look like an old fucking wifey
or something.

I do. I don't like it. It makes
me look like a big fat thing.

-[Jason] Bird.
-I don't know, it does.

You never give me a chance
to put anything on

or even brush my hair
or anything,

you just get the camera out
and that's it.

What would you feel like
being filmed now?

[Jason] All right, I will.
I'll sit there.

Good.

I'll sit there
and you interview me.

OK, I'll ask you about plan B.

Because it's funny,

this was a bit of a topic
of conversation today

was about male and female

and masculine and feminine
being different things

and I did think
it was funny that,

as a female, I'm very masculine

and as a male,
I'm very feminine.

[Tracey] Hmm.

It's just not that funny,
is it?

[both laugh]

[Tracey] It means you don't
fit in anywhere, I guess.

Well, no, but I mean,
yeah, it's...

I was very scared

about what people would think,
because at first,

remember we came up

with all these panics
about this and that?

[Tracey]
I was really against it.

I didn't wanna do it at all.

I was completely resistant
to it.

Yeah.

[Tracey] I thought it was
a really bad idea. [laughs]

Years ago,
when I'd first moved to London,

I was in a pub
and I was snogging a woman

on the edge of a dance floor

when this bloke,
a stranger, came up,

pushed us apart
and punched me in the face.

I went up to the barman

to tell him what had happened
and he said,

"What did you expect?"

That sort of thing
doesn't happen to me

after I transitioned.

So, I've been having
fun putting mascara

on my minimal amounts
of bum fluff, upper lip

and I think
I don't look like a man,

I think I look like
a comedy pirate.

I spent a lot of time
saying it's fine

and I can do this
and it's fine,

and a lot of times
saying things like,

"I'm getting used
to being called 'she'."

Even the doctor referred to me
as "she" a couple of times in...

And I spend a lot of time making
that OK and saying to Tracey,

"Oh, you know, it's fine," and
telling people, "I can do this."

The clinic
gave us the go-ahead.

Our GP was supportive.

[Jason] Tracey,
what have you got?

But then I went
to visit a new-born baby

and this is someone
really close to me.

I told her about plan B

and she said she thought Tracey
and I were selfish

for wanting
to bring a baby into the world

who would inevitably
be bullied.

[Jason] What sort of treasure
are you looking for?

[Tracey] I don't know. Glass.

Made into like...
Made into treasure, basically.

And I thought,
"Are we being selfish?"

"What if Tracey's cancer
was some sort of warning,

a punishment

for gender swapping, for being
selfish, for playing God,

for messing with nature,
for trying to have it all?"

And what would it make me?

I've been telling everyone
for the last decade

that I'm just
an ordinary bloke.

-Look.
-[both laugh]

Is that the one you want?

No, it just looked interesting.

This is my best friend,
Brixton Brady.

With a best friend
like Brixton,

it was quite hard to
be just an ordinary bloke.

She didn't really do ordinary.

I tell Brixton about plan B.

She thinks
it's a wonderful idea.

What are you doing? [laughs]

-[Jason] Brady.
-[laughs]

Hold on.

[Tracey] Jason is now meant to
be on his bicycle going to work.

Oh no, I'm not good on film,
see. Neurotic, nervous.

-[Jason] But you can film us.
-[Brixton] Yeah.

[Jason]
I'm being naughty, because...

[Tracey]
You're meant to be at work.

[Jason] One,
I'm meant to be at work.

And two, I'm supposed to have an
appointment at the gender clinic

on the 7th of November.

[Tracey] Your gender is being
questioned at the moment.

But mostly because
the gender clinic wanted me

to have a hysterectomy, which
would not do well for plan B,

so...

And I only go there every year,
so it's hardly...

I feel like
I'm living undercover.

All these preparations
behind the scenes

and nobody at work
knows what we're doing,

but it all feels
like great fun.

Hello. I've got an appointment
on the 7th of November.

[Tracey] This is Catipuss
in a rare moment of activity.

[laughs]

[Jason]
What exactly is she doing?

[Tracey] Playing.

[Jason] She's not playing.

Oh, there. She's playing now,
she's playing.

-[Tracey] Quick.
-[Jason] Puss.

[Tracey]
Puss is doing something.

-[Jason] A fresh start.
-[shredder whirs]

[Tracey] Where does it say
a fresh start?

[Jason] No, I'm saying
it's a fresh start.

Getting rid of all this stuff,
it's a fresh start.

Yes. It's an attempt
at a fresh start, isn't it?

Just a very good idea
altogether.

[Jason] These were 2003.

This very pleasant patient.

It says, "As you're aware,

her partner Jason Barker
is a trans-sexual."

[Tracey]
"I am a trans-sexual man

and as such have received
treatment and counselling

at the gender identity clinic
at Charing Cross."

Oh. It's not
the most comfortable position.

You'll have to sit on this a lot
when you're pregnant,

when you're the pregnant man.

[Tracey] What did you do today,
Jason?

What did you do this afternoon?

-I had the hycosy, which is...
-[Tracey] How was that?

It was fine.
It's where they check

to see if your tubes are clear

and it was a bit annoying,
because I knew they would be.

Did you think they would be?

[Tracey]
Yes, I knew they would be.

But, anyway...

And what they also told us

is when I had the hormone test
the other day,

all of those are fine,
completely normal

and first,
she did the willy scan,

which is
this kind of scan thing.

It's about...
I can't really show you.

It's about so long
and she puts...

[Tracey] It's narrow.

She just put it
straight up there

and she showed
the uterus was all looking fine.

So, yeah, it's, like,
all systems go.

I've got a stack of new pants

that someone's brought back
from America for me.

Shall I show?
that someone's brought back
from America for me.

Shall I show?

[Tracey]
Yeah, show the big pants.

These are gonna be
my pregnancy pants.

Look. OK, not too bad
from that side.

[Tracey] Could be better,
but show us the behind.

Wahey, sexy. [laughs]

-Got crust in my eyes.
-[Jason] What's it saying?

[Tracey] It's saying,
"I'm thinking about it."

Do you want to have a look?

It's doing that stupid
picture it does

when it's thinking about it.

[Jason] Oh.

-Cool!
-[Tracey] Oh.

That means you have to do
insemination tomorrow.

[Jason] That's all right.

-Is it?
-[Jason] Yeah.

What will you do with work?

[Jason] I knew that was gonna
be the case. I had the horn.

I knew it was gonna be the case,

because you had the horn
this morning?

A positive ovulation test means
it's time to go to the clinic

for the insemination.

[Jason] How did it used to feel
when it was you?

[Tracey] I used to feel
very stressed.

I'm getting there.

So, we've tried,
what, 18 times so far.

All the times
trying with Tracey

and then the time
using my eggs.

So, we'll call this, say,

lucky attempt number 19.

[Jason]Week one,
absolutely fine, no problem.

I've just sort of had
my period, that's all ended

and I've totally forgotten
about any of it.

Week two is a bit weird for me.

Now, I reckon it's the rising
level of oestrogen.

I'm really in a bad mood.

Rising up and up,
really quite miserable.

And then, and this must coincide
with the sharp pulse of LH,

which means ovulation,

there's this very small window
in the month

where I really, really, really
fucking fancy Gordon Ramsay.

[laughter]

And, I mean, I really do
and it is a strange thing.

[Jason] Hey, birdy.
What are you making?

I'm making a date
and walnut loaf for our friends.

What have you been doing?

[Jason] I've been husbandried.

We began with inter-uterine
inseminations,

and what that is,

it's where they put sperm
directly into your uterus

and basically
just see what happens.

I'm gonna give it a go.

As it was, nothing happened. We
did it six times, no pregnancy.

[Jason] I'm not pregnant.

I'm not pregnant
and the pituitary gland

is detecting the fall
in progesterone,

it's detecting
that I'm not pregnant,

that all of its big work

that it's been doing
for the last three weeks

has, yet again,
been for nothing,

as it has been since
I was 13, for nothing.

It's wasted its time.

I'm not pregnant, the pituitary
gland detects this

and sends a chemical message out
to tell me

that I have absolutely nothing
to wear, nothing.

All my clothes
will be out on the bed,

I've got fuck all to wear.

[laughter and applause]

On the one hand,
I'm surprised it hasn't worked,

because I thought
the universe would love this.

A pregnant man?
I'll have some of that.

But on the other hand, part of
me thinks, "What did I expect?"

The clinic put me on a drug

that would trick my body
into producing more oestrogen

and, meanwhile, Tracey
was taking a drug every day

that tricked her body
into producing less oestrogen.

[Jason] I think nesting
is happening.

This is the male, that's the
male. He's going somewhere now.

And this is the female.

What am I supposed
to do about you?

Please don't lay an egg.

Please don't have an egg
under there.

What am I gonna do with it?

Don't think I understand.

If you'd have got me
in two weeks' time

after the insemination,

I may well understand
how you're feeling.

But now, I'm full
of fucking oestrogen

and I don't want pigeons,

I don't want pigeons' nests
in my window boxes.

Come on, missus.

Shift it.

It's not even a nest,
it's just a...

So, I did another test
this morning, and...

I'm talking to the camera.

I'm talking to the camera.

[Jason] One line.

I'm worried that
if I have a negative thought,

the egg won't develop
or it won't implant

or something like that,

if I'm being too bitter
and twisted about people,

which is not to say
I'm bitter and twisted,

but I do sometimes
get a bit bitter and twisted

about gender things.

[Tracey] What do you...
So, what's the not implanting?

Is that because no baby

would want to be born in you
or something?

Yeah. And, because, you see,
I have thoughts like that,

it's all bad vibes
that come into the womb

and the embryo will decide,

"No, this is not a good life."

[Tracey]
So, do you have evidence

that grumpy people
don't have children?

Grumpy
people don't have children?

[Tracey] Yeah.

I see what you're saying,
you're being clever.

You're tricking me.

The only thing,
as I was saying to you, Trace,

is that I was on the Tube and I
was coming home this evening

and I had a kind of feeling
in my belly

of something saying, "Hello?"

Actually, it was a bit more than
that, if I was to elaborate.

Oh, God, it's definitely your
child then, isn't it? [laughs]

No, I just had a feeling
of something saying...

It's definitely
got your genes.

-No, I was feeling slightly...
-It was yabbing.

As soon as the bloody
conception's happening,

it's going... [babbles]

Hello?

I know you're there.

I'm gonna video everything

and then I'm gonna show you
this one day,

when you're older,
and we're gonna laugh.

We're gonna laugh about Mummy
being all pragmatic.

I know you're there.
She knows you're there, really.

[Tracey] What kind of breathing
have you been doing today?

I've been breathing energy
into my heart

and breathing energy
into my punani. [laughs]

I've been doing yogic breathing.

[Tracey]
And what's that to help with?

It's to help with making...
Oh, it's just nonsense, really.

-It's in the yoga book.
-It's not nonsense.

It's to help the cluster of
cells, which hopefully is there,

which I'm pretty sure
is there now.

It's just to sort of,
you know...

What it says in the yoga book

is that now your head
is nothing to do with it,

you can't will this to happen.

It's all down to the body and
it's like the body's taken over.

So, you breathe energy into
the body, away from the head,

so it's like a conveyor,
escalator on your spine.

First junction heart
and then lower abdomen. Heart...

[Tracey] And where
don't you breathe into?

Head, because the head
gets in the way of it all.

[Tracey]
What do you want to know?

[Jason]
Where are we with plan B?

We'll know on Wednesday
whether it's worked or not.

Then we'll do a cycle
with Clomid

and you made two large
follicles, which is very good.

[Jason] And we had the best...

It should mean
we've got twice the chance.

[Jason] We had our
favourite nurse, didn't we?

Oh, yes.

Our favourite nurse
did the insemination,

so it went very well.

[Jason] And what was it
that she said to us at the end?

[Tracey] She said,
"If anybody deserves some luck,

you two do," or something.

[Jason]
Are we pregnant or not?

[Tracey]
I'm not tempting fate.

I know you like to,
but I'm not,... I'm afraid.

[mouths] We are, we are
pregnant. I think we are.

[Tracey] You always push it.
You know I don't do that.

-I'm not pushing it.
-[Tracey] Predicting.

I'm not pushing it, I'm not
predicting. [mouths] We are.

[Tracey] Why are you asking me
what my prediction was?

OK, well, it was silly,
I shouldn't have done that.

More about me.

-[Tracey] What a surprise.
-What?

[Tracey] I'm just being cheeky.

You are being
very cheeky today.

I've been slightly
grumpy about...

I've not been feeling
that comfortable

with the trans men of late,

because they're all
getting willies,

having their vaginas sewn up

and it seems
a million miles away

from where I am at the moment.

[Tracey] Shit.

-Jason, don't film me, help me.
-What do I need to do?

-Bastard.
-Where is Tony?

I'll run up to Tony
with my one breast,

see how you feel
about that.

[Jason] Where is he?

I don't know, but I can hear
his frigging voice, can't I?

-[Jason] I can't see him.
-I can hear him.

[Jason] And there you are again,
mister.

Are you not scared of humans?

That thing's supposed
to frighten you.

Hold on.

All right.

Can you see?
That one on the right...

It's the line going across.

See, that square window
has to look like a cross

and not like a big minus,

but see that little blue line
going through it?

And, then, so, all day,
I've been checking, no period.

[mouths] No period.

And no period pains.

And, you know, I don't know,

of course I could feel
completely pregnant.

[whispers] I don't know.

It's a nice one, isn't it?

[Jason] God, that's beautiful.

Not that one.

-[Jason] That's lovely.
-It's a good fit, isn't it?

[Jason] You couldn't tell.

There's no way that I would know
which was which.

[Tracey] I like it,
because they come down here,

because a lot come across here,
which is a bit... [indistinct]

[Jason] Still no period,

so last night I got home
and I did another test

and a very tiny,
faint line appeared

and then this morning,
I think it was quite conclusive,

but Tracey reckons
the jury is still out.

She concedes
that there's a line,

but she said, you know,

we're allowed
to be quietly optimistic.

Because the thing is,

it is faint, so we've got
a little thing.

Yeah, something in here...

it's trying to hold on.

But, anyway,

I reckon that's a cross.

[Jason]
Being cautiously optimistic.

-I'm cautiously optimistic.
-[Jason] Really are you?

-Yeah, of course I am.
-[Jason] Oh, I know.

I feel a bit...
No, I'm quite calm.

I feel quite calm about it.

I'm trying to stay calm,
because if I go like Jason,

I'll go off half cocked, as they
say, and get all carried away.

I think we just need
to stay calm.

It's very weird,
I don't know,

because I thought
you went two weeks after

and then you're late
for your period

and then you get a really
obvious pregnancy test,

but maybe that's not true.

[Jason] Yeah,
but you know the truth is

any child of ours is gonna come
with some drama.

So, I went for the blood test
today and I got the results.

And, um, Annette,
who's the lovely nurse,

she phoned up and I was at work

and I had to, like, rush out
into the corridor and she said,

"Jason, we've got the results
back from your blood test

and it's positive."

So, I'm pregnant.

I didn't mean to tell my friend
Brixton Brady,

but she'd been away and then
she phoned up and she said,

"How are you feeling?
How are youfeeling?"

Which has always been the thing
that she says that and I go,

"Ah, no, didn't happen,"
you know, like that.

And she went,
"How are you feeling?",

and I said, "All right."

And she was like... [gasps]
You know, and there you go.

It's like the only way
to have not had anyone know

would be to have never
told people we were trying.

And the baby will be due just
in the new year, a Capricorn.

Which I've always...

they've always had bad press,
Capricorns.

But I don't know why

because I was looking today,
doing a bit of research,

Patti Smith, David Bowie,

Dolly Parton.

I mean, there was loads
of people.

Oh, Elvis. Those are the four
that stick in my head,

but Tracey picked out a few
as well.

Stalin. Um...

[Tracey] Ah, look. It's lovely.

[distant music]

[Jason] It looks like there's
a party, Tracey.

What's the occasion?

I know what you're trying
to get me to say.

[Jason] No, I'm not. But we
are, we're celebrating the...

[Jason laughs]

The almost success.

Because we had
a positive pregnancy test

but now it looks like it's...

it's not going to be viable.

There we go. At least
it worked for a few days.

[Jason] So, the clinic phoned
this afternoon and she said

it will be
a very early miscarriage,

at five weeks and one day.

So it's funny, isn't it?
'Cause it's like we spent um...

we spent the last week not quite
believing that we were pregnant

and now...

I can't believe
I'm not pregnant.

Just seems really
fucking unfair again.

And...

And now we'll eat
chocolate pudding.

Yeah. But I wanted to,
I've been trying...

I've been trying
to think of a name

-for our one that didn't do it.
-Have you?

Yeah, just 'cause it's like,
well, it lived for a week or so.

I mean, more, really,
but, you know, it was...

I think I was pregnant
for about ten days.

Hmm.

Its name can be Embryo
That Didn't Work. [laughs]

No, I was trying
to think of a name

but I thought,
it's got to be a name...

No, you can't give it a name

because then you can never use
that name for...

That's the thing, so I
was thinking you pick a name

that you would never ever
want to call a child.

Right.

You know what I mean? So,
for instance, um... Wolfgang.

Right, OK, well,
I want my chocolate pudding.

I don't want to talk
about this now.

Really?

No. I want
my chocolate pudding.

[rumbling]

You haven't mentioned
this before

and the cat's sat in front of
the microphone, so there we go.

-I did mention it.
-Giving it a name?

Yeah, I said I wanted to,
you know, say goodbye.

Yeah, you said that,

but you didn't say
about giving it a name.

Is that a problem?

You can give it a name
if you want,

but it doesn't mean
I have to.

All right, well, then we won't.

You just haven't talked
to me about it.

I don't mind giving it a name.

We'll talk about it now.

I don't mind.
I think it's a bit odd.

Well, not a name that we use,
not a name we refer to.

-It is a bit odd, isn't it?
-Yeah.

We did a candle
for the little one.

[sniffs]

I think about what Tracey said
in the caravan.

She said,
"I'm not tempting fate."

And what did I do?
I tempted fate.

Fate was well and truly tempted
and look what it did.

Time moves on.
If it had worked,

then we'd be telling people
about now.

Here you go, you all right,
mister?

I know, I know.
It's all stuck together.

It's all stuck together.
There you go. There you go.

[Jason] You have been spoilt,
haven't you? By Tracey.

[Tracey] She's a poor old lady.

It's a nice sunset over there.

The main thing I miss
about being pregnant

is I just felt so full of love.

[indistinct]

We can speak.

I realise the problem here
is videoing.

Videoing is like pride
comes before a fall,

it's setting it up to fail.

So I switched the camera off.

Well, that didn't work either.

I put the camera back on.

Well, so, I've had every symptom
of early pregnancy

that I could find
on the internet.

No spots, apart from... one.

At lunchtime,
I decided I had a food craving,

because I really fancied
Chinese food,

but I didn't find any,
so I had a sandwich.

See, ordinarily,
I should be premenstrual now

and I'm really calm.

Yesterday, I was swimming,
I was just swimming

and it felt like
all these things

were going on with my body

and I felt like I was a host.

I'm cycling the wrong way
down a one-way street,

heading towards
Brixton's house.

And I wanna get there
really fast,

because I've had
an urgent message

saying that she hadn't arrived
at work that morning.

And I wanna get there
and I wanna find her OK.

But as I'm cycling along,

I've got this
increasing sense of dread

that something terrible
has happened.

I think, "I know what I'll do,
I'll make a deal."

"I'll make a deal
with the universe."

"I'll make a deal,
I don't mind if this time,

I don't mind
if I'm not pregnant."

"I'll swap this for Brixton
being safe and well."

And when I get to her house,
the house is in darkness.

I go back home
and then there's a phone call

and it turns out
Brixton was killed

in an accident earlier
that morning.

[Jason] This was the...

Brixton's gin.
Still got Brixton's gin in it.

And these people...

I have to put the camera down
for a second.

These people dance.

Hold on a minute.
Where can I put the camera?

Wind it up.

[winds up mechanism]

[tune plays]

Look at them at the bottom
of the gin bottle.

How can it be a random thing?

How can it be something
so horrible?

How can it just happen?

Just happen, as if
it's ordinary, how can that be?

Because, and this is
the absolute truth,

a week before she died,
a bird had come into her house

and Brixton told me and Tracey

about the bird
coming into her house

and she said to us, "You know
what that means, don't you?"

And she leant towards us

and her eyes were sparkling
and she said,

"It means imminent death."

And she said that
and that happened.

So you know when someone dies

and you can talk to them
for a while?

I told Brixton about the deal.

"I suppose I must be pregnant,"

I say, "You'll have to be
a ghost parent."

No pregnancy and no Brixton.

You wouldn't think we'd cleaned
it only two years ago.

[Tracey laughs]

Great moment,
the cleaning of the caravan,

in any caravaner's calendar.

That nest is still in here.

[Tracey] Yeah, it is, isn't it?

I don't think it's used
any more.

[Jason] Someone's put nuts
in it or something.

[Tracey] Look!

[Jason]
Someone's put something in it.

Or is that the shell?

[Tracey] I don't know.

We decide
we're gonna approach this

scientifically and rationally.

We're gonna throw everything

that science has to offer
at this.

We're gonna go for
an IVF cycle.

Now, we've done
an IVF cycle before, remember,

back when
we were using my eggs,

fertilised, put into Tracey.

But this time it's me

who will be going through
the whole thing.

Now, there are two things

that I should tell you
about an IVF cycle.

The first thing is it's
a really invasive procedure.

You hand over
your menstrual cycle

and all the hormones
and the processes,

you hand that over
to the clinic.

The other thing I should tell
you is it's very expensive.

Well, today,
I'm phoning a load of pharmacies

to try and get the drugs
for the IVF,

which is what
we're next doing.

It's all slightly awkward
because of the whole name thing,

in that I'll be phoning
these people and then...

Well, we'll see,
I think they'll assume

I'm the partner,
the male partner.

Then the prescription
says Jason Barker

and it's got
all these drugs on it

that couldn't possibly
be used for a man.

So, well, we've been having that
quite a lot

'cause when we went
into the clinic,

we had to sign
all these forms and...

I was the female partner
and Tracey was the husband,

which I laughed at. She didn't
think it was at all funny.

But I thought it was very funny.
What other news? Um...

The cat's dead.

Still got no best friend.

The first stage of an IVF cycle
is called downregulation.

Well, I'm on the first part
of the whole IVF procedure,

which is taking this stuff,
which, what it does,

it puts you
into a menopausal state.

So... that's why
I've been absolutely hideous

for the last day.

And I'm also taking this,
I'm just in from work

and it's seven o'clock

and I should have taken it this
morning and I forgot.

So, I've come home to this.

By Tracey.

And here.

A reminder.

And here.

And in case I forget
on my way out,

there we go.

The second stage
is called stimulation

and you inject hormones
into your tummy

that make your ovaries grow
as many eggs as possible,

but not too many,

because too
many is very dangerous,

so you have to be willy scanned
every other day.

-Oh.
-[Tracey] Well done.

-[groans]
-[Tracey] I know, it's horrid.

[Jason] Right,
then it says one press.

[Tracey] It does a little click.
That's it. That's it.

Keep going, keep going,
keep going.

Perfect. Leave it in
for five seconds

and then you want
to pull it right out.

-[Jason] Three.
-You've done really well.

[Jason] Four...

Five.

Pull out the needle and press
down on the injection site.

I'm not ready
with my antiseptic wipe.

-[Tracey] Shall I get you one?
-[Jason] I've got one here.

-The first injection...
-[Tracey] Well done.

[Jason] ..of
follicle-stimulating hormone.

-[Tracey] I'll get you a tea.
-Ooh, thank you.

[Jason] Three, two, one. Relax.

I've done a lot of thinking
about... It's been about

being able to trust my body
to do the right thing

and I think that
that's been quite a...

I hadn't realised how little
I feel I trust it before.

Three. Oh, shit,
I didn't push it...

Two, one, relax.

And I think that probably,

probably comes from having had a
body that's just sort of always,

well, always feeling like
my body has let me down

and, so, it's probably taking
a bit of a jump to sort of,

just accept that the body

does certain things
and that, you know, yeah,

this is a body that can carry
a child, you know, why not?

Of course it can.

I've gotta sort of accept that
maybe the body's in control.

And that it's female, you know.

It's following
female instructions.

Which feels all just stupid,
I mean, I don't get the whole...

I don't understand gender
in the least at all.

Nothing like it at all now.

Three, two, one.

Ouch.

I hate needles.

[Tracey]
You're doing really well.

[Tracey] Wow, it's loads.

-It's how many?
-Seventeen follicles.

Nine on the right...
and eight on the left.

[Tracey] That's good.

And what do they look like,
Tracey?

[Tracey] Honeycomb.

-Honeycomb.
-[Tracey] Yes.

[Tracey chuckles]

So, tonight, you have to do

the trigger injection
at 10:30 tonight.

[Jason] Yeah.

With one powder
and one solvent.

Tracey said I've got to do
the trigger injection tonight

-and it just made me weep.
-[Tracey] I got it all wrong,

'cause I thought
that you were upset

because you've got
the do tonight.

You're OK about doing it there,
you don't wanna come home?

No, I don't.

And then the next thing
that happens

is called the trigger injection

and the trigger injection, you
get a kind of half-hour window,

so that when the clinic come
to collect the eggs,

they're just at their perfect
ripeness and ready to go.

[band plays]

[Jason] So,
you remember how to mix this?

[Tracey] Yeah,
let's see the instructions.

Right, OK.

I should have washed my hands.

[Jason] Shit!

[Tracey] Should have brought
the spare one.

I've got the car
just out the back.

Mad dash to get home,
because we've broken the ampule.

-[laughs]
-[Jason] So, we are leaving...

I'm trying to be relaxed,
which is why I'm laughing.

We've had to leave the event,
we're now late,

we should have done
the injection

about half an hour ago.

The stupid ampule was a crap one
and it just smashed into pieces

and cut Jason's fingers.

So, we're in the car, going home
in a mad dash to inject Jason,

but we've got to stay calm, so
we don't smash another ampule,

because I left
the ampule at home,

'cause we thought
that was the safest thing to do.

[Jason] Meanwhile,
back at the ranch,

I'm needed on stage
in about an hour.

Just like making crack
or something, isn't it?

It is. Oh, shit.

[gasps]

Shit. I'm really sorry,
I think that needle sticked me

-and I have to take it off.
-[Jason] Yeah, that's fine.

I need you to hold that up
like that.

[Jason] OK. Got it.

I think there's a bubble.

[Jason] Yeah, there is.
There's a gap.

[chuckles] Three, two, one.

[Tracey] Get this
a wee bit further, love.

"Depress plunger slowly,
steadily and fully."

You've been very brave,
haven't you?

You all right? You a bit weepy?

Why does this stuff
happen to us?

[Tracey] We're fine.

How could it have been
more dramatic, Tracey?

[Tracey laughs] It could
have been more dramatic if...

we only had one lot of drugs and
that was the ampule that broke.

[distant cheering]

[Jason]
So, what's been happening?

[Tracey] It's going very well,
basically.

We had 13 eggs
and ten fertilised.

[indistinct]

What would we do
if we had twins?

-It's fine.
-OK.

I decided our flat was chaotic
and had too much clutter.

Tracey very helpfully...

See if I can get the cat
to come.

-Stig.
-Stig! [clicks tongue]

It wasn't just me, you said yes.

You're going to tell the camera
that it was my idea.

Yes, but, Tracey,
you didn't tell me

he's got a weeping sore
on his back.

-[clicks tongue]
-Oh, it's not weeping.

-Stig!
-It's healing.

-Puss puss.
-Stig.

[Tracey]
There, can you see them?

[Jason] Agate.

[Tracey]
Oh, is that what they are?

[Jason] Yeah. So now what
happens is you form the egg

and then tie it with ribbon.

[Tracey]
Do you want me to do that?

[Jason] Yes.

[Tracey]
It's like a little potato.

[Jason]
It is called an agate potato.

-[Tracey] Oh.
-[Jason] Agate.

[Tracey] Oi, pussycat.

I didn't need a large tail
and a bumhole.

[Jason] It goes tightly
together. Potato.

-[Tracey] There. That's it.
-[Jason] That's it, lovely.

[Jason] Agate potato
represents the womb.

And it's about
precious things inside.

[Tracey laughs]

Stig, you wouldn't go
on camera last night.

Today he's all media savvy.

[laughs]

All right, so, I know we said

we were approaching
it scientifically.

This is, you know, geology.

It's not actually
superstition at all.

So, the idea is, because
I read in the local paper

that Swallowhead Springs
had been...

the willow trees have been
pollarded by the farmer

and he said this
is perfectly normal.

People went crazy

because they said the springs
are a sacred site.

And then I read
it's a sacred site

that for millennia women
have been...

have been coming to drink
from the springs,

in order to improve
their fertility,

hence the mission
to come to Swallowhead Springs.

[Tracey] You don't have to,

you can just take it from there
if you want.

[Jason] No, I don't want
to do it half-hearted.

[Tracey] Well, keep your centre
of gravity low then. [laughs]

-[Jason] Here?
-I think so, what do you think?

It looks really bubbly there.

It's very nice.
Do you wanna do it, Trace?

[Tracey] Yeah, go on then.

It's nice, isn't it?

[Jason] We're done.

How satisfying to set out
on a journey

and not know where you're going

and then to get there
and to achieve it.

-It's fucking ace, isn't it?
-[Tracey] Yes.

[indistinct]

[Jason] So, tonight's the night.

Apparently.

[clears throat]

Yes, we're going
to do the test shortly.

[Jason] How are you feeling
about that?

All right, not bad.

The horrible thing is,
if it's negative, it's like...

If it's negative it's kind
of like it says I am mad

because I have been feeling
like I'm pregnant

and then, so,
if it's negative, it's like...

[Tracey] But you always think
you're pregnant.

Do I always think I'm pregnant?

-Yes.
-Fuck.

[Tracey] But you think
it in different ways.

[laughs] Each time it's like,
this time I think,

"Yeah, but now
I really think I am."

"Before I was just imagining."

-[Tracey] Exactly.
-"Now I'm really convinced."

[Tracey]
You've been jolly this time.

There's been some
very positive signs.

One beaker of wee.

Nice, strong wee.

One pregnancy test. Will you
still love me if it's negative?

No.

[Jason] Oh, don't.

[laughs] Yes, of course I will.

Well, I have done every other
time when it's been negative.

-What, you've always loved me?
-Yeah, yeah.

[Jason] One, two, three...

-Please.
-[Tracey] What?

But please.

One minute. I wanted it
to come straight away.

Oh, this isn't fair.
This isn't real.

[sobs] I can't do any more
than I've done.

I've done everything
I had to do.

-[Tracey] Come on.
-I've done everything.

-[Tracey] I know.
-I've done everything.

[sobs]

I can't believe it.

[softly] I can't believe it.

I liked not knowing.

[sobs] Why not us? Why not us?

-Why not us?
-[Tracey] I don't know.

-Why not us?
-[Tracey] I don't know.

Why not us?

Oh, God.

Absolutely no idea
how this has happened.

They probably blame me.

This morning, I got up and I was
just looking out of the balcony,

because I wanted to see

if we could still see
the obelisk of St Luke's,

but I saw a dead baby pigeon

and its head is missing and then
it's been, I don't know,

it's been moved by some other
creature. It's just amazing

on some little urban balcony,
all this horrible grim nature,

so I've got
a dustpan and brush,

which will be thrown away
after the task,

a bag
and some protective gloves.

And all its feathers are around

and I'm just gonna
sweep the lot up

and then throw it out,
get rid of it in the chute.

-Let me check it's dead.
-[Tracey] It's completely dead.

-It's got no head.
-[laughs]

Do you think
this bag is strong enough?

-[Tracey] Yeah.
-[screams]

[Tracey] It's only small.

[Jason] I'm gonna be sick.

-[Tracey] Is it in the bag?
-I don't know.

I'm not doing it very well,
am I?

[Tracey]
Do you want me to do it?

[Jason] Oh...

I need another bag, quick.

[Tracey] Oh, Lord.

-[Jason] I need another bag.
-All right, coming.

[Tracey laughs]

The clinic suggest
another procedure,

another,
more scientific procedure,

but it's getting
into the realms of sci-fi

and it's so expensive.

We just don't think
we can do this any more.

[Tracey] I can't believe
you persuaded your mum.

[Jason] She doesn't need
much persuasion

to show off, does she? [laughs]

Oh, please, Mum,
please tap dance for us

for the camera. Please.

[Jason's mum]
You cheeky monkey! I might not.

[man] Here y'are,
don't mark the new floor.

[Jason] And the return,
after much persuasion,

the return of Dot Barker.

-Go. I'm on the feet, Mum.
-[Tracey cheers]

[Tracey] I thought you said
you couldn't tap.

[Jason] Of course she can tap.

[Tracey] I thought
she couldn't tap dance.

The left foot goes down
and the...

The phone rings.

It's an old friend
of Brixton Brady's.

Before she'd died,
she said to him,

"Why don't you be a sperm donor
for Jason and Tracey?"

And so, this is him phoning,
to offer.

One, interchange.

One, da, da, stop, change.

One, da, da, stop, change.

Looking for a vessel...

[laughs]

..for sperm to go into.

These are all glass, aren't
they? So I can't really...

That would be a good one.
Delicate.

God, they are delicate,
bloody hell.

We've got some
beautiful things.

Frighteningly delicate.

[Jason]
What about those ramekins?

Yeah, but I can't,
glass is cold.

Glass is cold. I think it's
better to have it in plastic

because it's not so...

[Jason] How is it?

It's cold,
much colder than plastic.

And you want it
to not get too cold

because they die off
when it's cold.

But you don't want it
to be hot either, but...

[Jason] What about just
something like a plastic beaker?

I don't know if that's asking
a lot of somebody

to aim into a plastic beaker.

I can ask him.

[Jason] Why don't we give him
some options of vessels

and then he can just, you know,
put it where he thinks...?

[Tracey]
If it's in a big one...

It won't spread everywhere,
will it?

We'll be able to work with it.

It's so crap that we don't have
a vessel to...

-[Jason] He's on his way.
-I know he's on his...

He's not on his way,
he hasn't left yet.

This is really, really rubbish.
Actually, I've used the...

[Jason] What about that
cocktail shaker at the top?

No, it's just silly.

You don't want anything
really massive.

See if he can do it... Do you
think he can do it into that?

[Jason] Yeah, why not?
That's what I meant

when I said beaker. Why not?

[Tracey] I don't know,

it's not got any cracks in it
or anything.

[Jason] Do you think he needs,

like, a magazine
or something, or a...

[Tracey] Have we got any porn?
We've been complete crap.

We told him we'd give him porn.
We've got nothing.

[Jason] We must have some porn.

-You'd know where that was.
-Quimor something.

Think he'd like that?

[Tracey] That looks like...

"For dykes of all sexual
persuasions."

I think he'll like that.

He can see all my exes. [laughs]

Oh, yeah.

[Tracey] Oh yeah,
that's got some... [laughs]

[Jason] Alan Titchmarsh?
[laughs]

[Tracey] Fetish girls
postcard book.

[Jason]
Oh, you can't use postcards.

-[Tracey] Well, he might.
-That's desperate.

[Tracey] I don't suppose he's
going to want to read a novel.

[Jason] No. So, he's got that,
that and that.

[Tracey] A bit more specialist.

[Jason] Right,
so let's make a little...

[Tracey] There's little packets
of tissues in there.

-Where?
-Down here, in that crate.

I'm sure there's some little
packets of tissues in there.

[Jason] Yes,
I'm feeling nervous.

[Tracey]
I'm slightly embarrassed

and slightly titillated
and marvelling at our crapness.

I see a photograph of a man
from America.

He's got a beard and he's...

got this beautiful,
pregnant tummy

and he's holding on to it
and he's looking down at it

and he just looks so serene
and fantastic

and the headlines scream

"The World's First
Pregnant Man".

Not everybody is celebratory
of his pregnancy.

And I read some stuff
that shocks me and scares me.

And even from members
of my own community,

I read stuff,
people were saying,

"Well, good for him,

but he shouldn't have been
public about this."

"It's drawing attention to him.

It's gonna make us
all look bad."

I think about what I'm doing

and put the camera away
for a bit.

[camera whirs]

-[phone rings]
-[sighs]

[cat purrs]

Off now, hefty. Go on.

So...

[rustling]

I'm gonna have to shut you out,
Kenneth,

because you're too loud
for the film.

You are. Yes, you are.

You are. You're stealing
the shot.

Are you able to stop purring?
Shh, shh.

-[purrs]
-Hush. Hush.

[sighs]

Shh.

I do think about that whole
pregnant man thing.

You know, just how different,

how I thought it would be,
you know,

and how, I don't know...

I'm not even bothered
about the man thing any more,

I don't think.

I don't think.

I honestly don't know
where I fit any more though.

[audience laughs]

You know, can't do it.

I'm on stage doing a comedy
show, I'm just so relaxed,

so taking it in my stride,
so calm.

The next morning, I wake up,

I go into the bathroom,

and do a test.

I'm not gonna video,
I'm not gonna risk this,

I'm not gonna hex it
in any way.

I'm not gonna put
the video camera on

until it's completely safe.

[♪ "Ocean Blue" by Rae Spoon]

[Jason] So, how many weeks
are we, Trace?

Thirty-eight and three days.

[Jason] Right, Trace,
what's this thing that we have?

[Tracey] This is the home
birth kit and it's from B&Q.

[Jason] And what does it have
in it?

[Tracey] Up here, there's
those little round plasters.

Tracey's mum tells the rest of
the family in a brilliant way.

She says, "I've got something
to tell you. It's unusual,

but it's made me very,
very happy."

[Tracey] Listening to baby.

Listening to baby heartbeats.

My own family take a little bit
longer to come round.

My dad's reaction,
"Bloody hell!"

But they get there.

[Tracey]
And then there's these.

[Jason] Ew.

[Tracey]
Those are blood test things.

[Jason] Oh! Shut that bit up.

[Tracey] You wanted to look.

-That's what...
-[Jason] The clinical waste.

[Tracey]
The clinical waste bag.

[Jason] Which is nice
because it matches the box.

This is the birth ball...

that annoys me immensely.

And this is the space
in which...

said baby will be born.

[Tracey] Yeah.

[Jason] I don't think
I can even sit down.

What's been happening?

[Tracey] On this chair.

Very easy in this household,
isn't it?

[Jason] Yeah. Oh.

It's upside down.

Oh. Stupid, stupid fucking...
Well, it's just stupid. Look.

It's just a stupid thing
to do be doing.

I've got better things
to be doing than doing that.

Oh, just...

-[Tracey] Tip it up a bit more.
-Huh?

[Tracey] I'll tip it up a bit
more, so you can see yourself.

There you go.

Stupid to be doing a video diary
at this point.

[exhales]

It hurts, is all I'm gonna say.

I'm just really cross,
because...

I's been going on since
about two, which isn't bad,

but we're waiting
for the midwife.

And I don't know
what's a contraction

and what's not a contraction
any more.

Shouldn't have a camera on
anyway, because it puts you off.

[Tracey]
Before you start the labour?

Yeah.

We'll just put it away.

I just wanted to do something,
just to say, you know,

the baby's coming
and everything, but...

[Tracey] Well done.

Stroke your head. That'll help.

-Yeah.
-You're doing really well.

Just tired now,
aren't you, I think?

-I am tired.
-Yeah.

This is the space
you'll be born.

This is our home, our family
home, me, you and Mummy

and there are some things that
are not welcome in this space.

The ethics committee,

my parents' neighbours,
people who call us selfish,

the man in the pub
and the barman.

Tit man.

People who say,
"Just because you can

doesn't mean you should."

People who say, "That's not
even a pregnant man;

he doesn't even have a beard,
for a start."

"And, anyway, a man can't
get pregnant. It's a woman."

"It's a woman. A woman
who's mutilated herself."

Thinking that
I don't deserve it,

thinking that I bring this
on myself by not fitting in,

by not having a body that fits.

And you're here.

And I can't think like that
any more about this body.

By 7pm, I'd be in an ambulance,

blue lights flashing,
speeding up the Kingsland Road

towards the Homerton Hospital.

-[Tracey] Switch it off?
-Yeah.

[Tracey] OK.

[Tracey speaks indistinctly]

It's the middle of the night.

I wake up briefly. I know
that a baby has been born,

but I don't know if I've had
the baby or if I am the baby.

Our kid's about three.

We're in a gent's changing room
getting changed after swimming.

He says, "I'm the only member
of our family

with a penis, aren't I, Daddy?"

I don't care who's looking,
I don't care who's heard.

It's not about them,

it's about my kid and it's
about telling the truth

and it's about not being
ashamed and not being scared.

I don't take my eyes off him.
I just say, "Yes, you are."

[upbeat music]

So, what I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna make a film

about how you ended up
to be in your daddy's tummy.

[boy] Oh.

[Jason]
Will you help me make it?

-[boy] Yeah.
-[Jason] OK.

[boy] If you want me to.

[Jason] Yeah, I do, definitely.

It's a story of you
and it's a story of me

and it's a story of your mummy.

[♪ "Do Whatever the Heck
You Want" by Rae Spoon]

Subtitles: BTI Studios