Original subtitles

All right, George.

I normally park at the Richmond Street car park.

I'm still paying to play this one. The app doesn't work.

I'll treat you.

You're going to be here all day.

About the pound this summer.

You watching tonight?

Is that a football question?

Yeah.

No.

So you got this place and the house?

Yeah. But I'm mortgaged to death.

You try making money out of hospitality.

The house is thanks to my parents.

I sold theirs and bought number five.

So they were rich.

What, do I look like Lord Struthers of Morningside?

They just had a nice terrace out in Dundee, so I murdered them and got the

money.

Well, and then you got this place with Curtis.

Yep. That is my punishment.

I'm buying him out and it's taking forever because it costs a fortune. He

gets 20 % of the profits, which is kind of 20 % of not very much, but still.

That bastard.

I'm seeing him tonight, as a matter of fact.

But it's newly beloved So this is the thing sometimes when you touch it you

a shock.

Oh Well fine now typical, but um when it's that few that fuse goes

This one it tripped salary word trips turn the

power off I've got the office upstairs. I still need to work. Yeah Well, I can

isolate that when did you last get your condition report?

Um, November 25.

We're up today

So, who did you test for you?

Asprey. But they charged 500 quid just for a visit.

Yeah, don't trust them.

Do you know where they get their stuff from?

Aruba. Do you know where that is?

The Caribbean?

Exactly.

I'm not being racist.

Well, a little bit.

I mean, think about it.

Aruba.

Who owns that?

The Netherlands.

And in the Netherlands, the mains wire, and it's 230 volts. And in Aruba, it's

127 volts. So it's two different systems. It's like a fire truck.

And why did they do that, eh?

Have two different voltages.

Tesla.

What were they, Elon Musk?

No, Nikolai Tesla.

He was the man who invented ACDC.

And when he died, the FBI took all his papers and they burnt them so no one

could see them.

And then Elon Musk named his company after him.

It's no coincidence, is it?

Meaning?

Exactly.

It's a mystery.

When I was young, ACDC meant bisexual.

Look, there's nothing wrong with it, but I need to get back here, strip

everything away, all right?

It's not going to cost.

Well, it's all going to cost, isn't it?

Well, you know, I'm not being rude, but...

You know what happens?

You get an electrician in and they're like, oh, everything needs rewiring and

job that was going to cost 100 quid ends up costing 10 ,000. Are you calling me

a liar?

No.

It's the way people talk about work, man. Nobody else would put up with it.

Imagine if I walked in here, eh, and got a pint and said, have you watered this

down?

You'd get right on your high horse, wouldn't you?

Do you water it down? No.

Well, that's your first mistake, isn't it?

Paying your ex 20%.

I'd start diluting it, mate.

Oh, you're here early.

Oh, yeah, this is Clive, the electrician. Hi, Clive. I'm Judy.

Don't you answer the million quid, yeah?

Ah, he's the one I told you about.

Clive, from next door.

I met his son online, and I mean online.

He's 16.

He said 18 bears both of them. So what did you do?

Oh, I fucked him. Oh, Leo.

Get off. It was mortifying.

Said he was zero metres away. Zero.

He must have seen me, though.

You bitch.

But I will be the one to block him, thank you very much. It's my street, and

was gay before he was even a single spunk.

Oh, my God, now I'm thinking about his father ejaculating. This is such a

terrible day, and to top it all, I'm seeing Curtis tonight.

Talking of props.

What for?

We're being civilized.

Could you not talk to him, though? The lad, what's his name? George. What would

we talk about? Morning, Z. Morning. Z, boy next door, 16, looking for sex

online, lying about his age. Should Leo not have a word? His dad's downstairs at

the electrician. But his dad doesn't know he's gay, so do not say anything.

How do you know he doesn't know?

Because George is alive.

That's a bit 1980s.

You'd be surprised.

Times are changing.

Not with this family, trust me. Sit at home with a bad dad in your closet as

ever. Why are you employing him, then? Could you just go and do some work,

you? Are you mates with him?

The boy? Why would I be mates with a 16 -year -old? What would we even talk

about? Bluey?

No, I've hardly said two words to him. He's just like, hello.

Oh, I don't know.

Best not, then. Don't take his side.

Yeah, but I can see what he means. It's a funny line to cross.

So the kid goes online, hooks up and gets murdered and that's fine. Well, at

least he wouldn't have died a virgin.

Oh, Tara's back on. Hooray.

It's weird, isn't it?

How we know more about his son than he does.

His wife said he had an affair.

For real? In a caravan park.

Like Jenny and Leon Gogglebug?

Maybe it was Jenny.

You can't hear that.

You can't.

He was down there, couldn't he? Ah, go on, go on.

Clive!

Yeah?

Nothing!

That's up on the back.

Well, thanks, sir.

Clive.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Zee.

What's that show for, then?

It's not.

I'm just Zee.

I'll come.

Was it dead?

It's a placeholder. Until I find the right name.

I'm Hannah.

My girlfriend shows it.

That's delicate.

How many have you rather?

Morning, all. Okay, then.

What have we got?

No, no, it was straightforward. You just had a broken half -cable, so I just

replaced the stump.

But?

No, no, you're just unlucky.

Putting a new cable. All done.

Oh, OK.

Great. Well, that's good.

But... Oh, I knew it. How much?

No, it's just this here. I mean, look at it.

You've got the whole thing running out of one socket. You've got your sound

system, your lights, your mic. What else is plugged in here?

Smoke machine.

Bubble machine.

Oil wheel.

Well, look forward to the inquest when you're all burnt to death.

But look, I can strip away that wall, I can rewire it and put in five sockets.

800 quid, all in.

How long are we out of action?

No, just send me one night. I can isolate this wall so you can keep the

open.

600. 800, all right? And that's final.

It's not just the electrics, is it? You know, I've got to redecorate and patch

it all in. So 800 gets you my lad in, my son.

He's got level three joinery. So we can tidy it all up and then seal it off for

you. How old's your son?

25. He's got two sons.

Why?

What do you mean?

You have two sons.

So?

Nothing.

Why do you say that?

I just did because you have, haven't you?

Does it matter?

Okay, great.

Um... 700.

800, all right.

And then we're, uh... Disco.

That's enough.

I'll get started. What did you get on the van?

Two hours? Yeah. Alright, well you better make it all day, haven't you?

Your treat.

See you later.

I'm running late.

Get a taxi and pick me up at 7 .30, okay? Why aren't we having dinner with

ex? No fucking idea.

Curtis and Maggie at home at 10 o 'clock. We are leaving, okay? Bye.

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

He's a shit plan. He's a shit plan. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

He's a plan.

Someone's apartment.

Deep breath.

Hi!

Maggie,

Maggie, Maggie.

Out, out, out.

Oh, that dates you. Oh, you look wonderful.

Oh,

I've got Sanjay.

Yeah, I know.

He's sad.

It's been ages.

How you been?

Not bad, not bad.

You're looking older and fatter and greyer. You're beginning to smell.

Let me take that.

So, um, who else has come in?

Oh, uh, well, it's good to talk. Yeah, I thought we could catch up, have a

chance to talk, you know.

Talk about what?

You know, things.

Four, three.

And he grabs my laptop and runs.

I mean, what, six foot three, all muscles.

I mean, he's only 25 years old. So he runs like a gymnast out the front door,

gone. And I run.

I run after him into the street. Then I hear this click.

It's the door closing behind me, locked.

And I'm standing there absolutely naked.

My god, no way. Yeah. I'm standing in the middle of the street, stark, bollock

naked. I have to rescue him. Yeah.

Did that really happen?

All hanging out. For all the world to see.

Couple of those.

But that's it. Because Tom's fixing the court so he can stay for a third time.

Why not a fourth?

Because you know what this is?

The Dark Age.

It's a new Dark Age.

If I live for 30 more years, I will die before the Dark Age ends.

This is it now.

For life. Oh, I've missed all this.

Definitely suits there.

It's a little bit doom -scrolling, don't you think?

Maggie, you can't seriously say these are good times, can you? Oh, hardly, no,

but I think we're in a state of panic.

I don't think I help.

I panic, apparently.

That's not what she means.

I just think we can all worry, but we need to do something.

So we are.

Just thought of a little bit of good in the world, yeah?

Yeah.

That's what we wanted to say. It's not a big deal, we just didn't want you to

hear it second -hand.

We are going to foster.

We did the panel on Monday and they've said yes.

So, going to be foster parents.

Oh, I think that's brilliant.

Well done.

Thanks. That's amazing.

Big changes.

There's such a shortage.

I mean, there is such a shortage.

Poor kids having to listen to you two.

We're terrified.

And we did try, but I'm 45 now and that's not going to happen.

And this is the next best thing.

It's equally good. Yes, exactly.

Sorry.

Mum and Dad.

Here's to you.

Congratulations. We need people like you.

You get a lot of money.

That's why we're doing it.

Cold, hard cash. It's the only reason. It's just you never said, when we were

together, you never said you wanted kids.

I didn't back then.

What changed?

Nothing. I suppose I was a different person. Oh, now you're better.

No.

Right, are we all done? We've got a lovely tiramisu.

All good?

I'll keep your hand.

It might be a complete nightmare. I might regret every single second.

You can't fuck up their lives, you know.

Children.

Because they've had a hard enough time already.

You don't need to come into a house that's... I fear.

Oh, that's what I am, is it?

Well, I was always the one who was a laugh.

I mean, sorry, but our mates did not come round for a hoot with Curtis. Oh,

yeah, you're so funny, I'm laughing.

It's just that you never said anything, ever, about kids.

Jimmy adopted, you never said a word, not a hint.

It's like I never knew you.

Except, well... I didn't, did I?

You know, it's really stupid... ..since you left... ..keeping... ..on my

own.

Sitting there.

Cut it up into little pieces. I eat. I put down the fork. I wash up. It's just

all that ceremony.

And then I shit.

I shit.

And I eat. Might as well be a tube. That's my life.

I'm a tube.

Do you still have your key?

Have a what? Your key to the house. Have you still got it?

I don't know. Maybe. I didn't formally hand it over. Why, would you like me to?

No, it's like... You haven't been back, have you?

To the house.

Things keep moving.

When I'm not looking, I feel like I'm going mad. I come back home and it's

things have been moved.

Like a glass, or a bottle, a letter, or a book, the wrong

way round.

I had a little bit less wine.

And then I turn on the TV. You know when you turn on the TV, it goes to the last

channel you were on? When I turn it on, it goes to channel 161. What the hell is

161?

You okay?

Yeah.

It's not me.

No, I didn't... I didn't think it was.

I don't really think there's anyone in your house.

No.

I've left you, darling.

I've gone.

Okay.

I'll tell you the best bit.

Mackie, not the Tory, Baron Mackie, what she said.

Did that really happen?

Oh, my God, yeah. How to kill a fucking story.

Did that really happen? Oh, hardly.

Hardly. She said that. Ooh, hardly.

Downton Abbey.

Hardly. Ah, that's why you neared him. Your mother, that's what you wanted all

this time. I said so.

What I'm going to do tonight, I'm going to get laid. I'm going to get fucked and

battered and rimmed. I am so going to get rimmed.

Did you know that Curtis has never eaten arsenic his entire life?

Yeah, he did tell me. He don't eat it with some coriander.

Tonight's the night.

All right, my darling, goodnight.

Bend over, Scotland.

Don't worry, I've only had two beers, so I won't turn my phone over.

This is Leo, my gay neighbour. Oh, if that's not offensive.

Well, it is.

So watch it.

Don't talk to an employer like that.

Found ya.

Hello. I'm Dave.

I know it says Francesco on the app, but Francesco gets more results, so...

Anyway, it's Dave, really.

Yeah, hi, I'm Leo.

And that's your real name? Yeah.

Good start.

There's a lot of lies on that thing.

Ooh, nice blade.

Thanks. Do you own it? I do, yeah.

Nice.

And is it just you?

Just me.

And that is how it's going to stay, I'm afraid. Just me.

I'm fine with being on my own.

I didn't come round to marry you.

No, but... I've changed my mind.

I'm just not up for it tonight. I thought I was, but I'm not.

You know when it just goes?

Are you kidding me?

Sorry.

Another one.

You know, I came all this way.

Well, 662 metres, not that far.

Piss off.

I will.

and your own friends treat you like shit... Yeah, you know... They might as

well...

I want to know why you would look at something so disgusting.

Fuck you.

Fuck off then. Fuck off, kid!

I love you.

I love you.

God loves you.

George, I swear, if you tell your girlfriends about this, they will tell

that every single stupid boy does this and you'll laugh about it.

Because there's such a big world out there and you can have boyfriends or

girlfriends or whatever you like.

You can have all the wild and crazy hot sex you want night after night.

Because I promise you, George, there's a great big gay life just waiting for

you.

I'm coming in, so hands by your sides, all right?

Listen, all this stuff between your mum and me, I don't want you hearing that,

you know, so... There you go.

You all right?

Yeah. That's why you don't look here.

What is it?

The game dog died.

Who are you texting?

What's it to you? Oh, come on. It's late, isn't it? You've got college

and you know the rules. The phone's not private until you're 18, so come on,

give us a... Is it a girl?

No. Is she upset, yeah? Just leave me alone. Well, I'll tell you something

important, all right?

They're not worth it.

Morning all! Morning lover boy.

How's Curtis?

Oh, boring old bastard. Hello, Saul.

Alright, boss.

Nice guy.

You late?

No.

I was in early yesterday because of you. This is like a normal time of day

because I work late.

And... I want to apologise.

I was a bit rude last night.

Sorry about that.

I meant no offence.

Why? What did you say?

All done and dusted.

So are we good? Told you.

Got nothing on my conscience.

I only had two pints, so my head is clear.

Not me.

I'm fucking hanging.

I tell you what, boss. I said to Jude, have you got any paint left? When you

last did the wall, she looked in the cellar. And there it was, sitting at the

back after all these years.

No one ever chucks paint away. Don't know how to do it. That saves you a bit

money. Nicely played.

Well, welcome on board, Sol.

All right, me and Judy have got the manager's meeting now. All the bars and

clubs of the council, it's a riot.

Tap yourself to anything and Mikey can look after you. Mikey, you've met Clive.

That's all, Clive's son.

All right.

Morning, fellas.

Isn't it? I mean, you're hot though.

Well, mate, don't tell me you subscribe for girls, you know.

Can't stop me. As long as you're paying.

I'm on there.

Are you? Mikey Manchester.

How much do you make?

£20 ,000 a year.

Fucking hell, that makes a dick of a monkey what you're working after.

My dad.

He's a dickhead.

Left us with a load of debt and the shit.

Bye. Do you ever want to cut up?

Oh, mate, not my scene.

I could teach you.

Seriously, just for a minute? Yeah.

Take a micro.

Nice try. Cheers, mate. Keep subscribing.

Have a good one.

I've done that.

I am catnip in this place.

What do you mean?

That Mikey lad.

Asking to diddle me. Begging for it.

So what did you say?

I said up your arse. That was a mistake.

He said yes, please.

And who is she?

I'm Saul. I'm with him.

Well, isn't he the lucky one?

Told you. Gatnip.

And who are you?

I'm the electrician. Oh, the neighbor.

That's right.

The horny -handed son of toil.

You're the one with the son.

He said he was hot.

Who did?

Leo.

When did he say that?

Wasn't he naked, your boy?

Wasn't there a story that Leo was in your house and your son was naked?

Yeah. When the boss got locked out of the house, he means Saul.

Yeah, well, he doesn't mean George, does he? George is 16.

He's legal.

Melba.

It's a bit dangerous in here with the Alexis.

Let's keep you safe, eh? Sit you by the window.

Hannah's actually looking out for some toasties, if you want one.

Get you a nice cheese and a toastie, eh?

Next point of order, Lachlan McCartney. You'll be glad to hear he's currently

residing at His Majesty's pleasure.

Which one's he?

The Birdman.

Big, tall skinhead. You've seen him.

In fact, the heads of pigeons have left him outside Cruise 101.

Oh, yeah? Not anymore.

Pigeon population is restored.

Next on the list, over to you, Lucille. This was tough.

Miss Titty Ditty.

Titty Ditty is a cabaret artist from Glasgow.

We booked her, but she then prints posters and starts advertising on her

website. This is her.

Not us.

And the image had a Star of David on it.

Now, it's got all sorts on it. It's got Spider -Man, it's got the TARDIS, it's

got Cynthia Erivo.

It's a collage. But we get protests.

They think she's anti -Palestine.

Does she?

I don't think she could point to Palestine on a map. She sings limericks

banjo. But the next thing you know, our staff are being assaulted.

Security, they're getting food flung at them, chips and stuff thrown in their

face. Who did that?

Pakistan? No, our lot.

Lesbians. at a lesbian bar, attacking the lesbian staff because of a lesbian

with a Jewish symbol.

What the hell's going on?

On behalf of the council, I've got to say, we're very happy.

We can review the use of polycarbonates after 11pm, but I do have one worry.

You have a lot of drag queens on the door.

We do.

Are you sure?

We definitely do. I've seen them. Are you sure about the policy?

We think it might drive people away. I think they draw people in. In fact, I

know they do. People love a drag queen.

In 2026?

Since time immemorial, I don't quite understand what the problem is here. I'm

gay. I go to Canal Street.

I discover that gay means a man in lipstick and a wig with false breasts

glitter. How does that represent me? It's not meant to represent you.

No, but nothing ever represents me, does it? So, what do you want?

Doorstaff and... What?

Not even gay.

He's been seen with a woman called Elaine.

He just pretends to be gay to get promoted. That's how it works these

Ah, I always said the left would eat itself and the feasting has begun.

They're throwing shit. With tomato fucking sauce.

Do you still have that youth group?

Yeah, still going.

I've got a youth for you.

Let me save one of them. Just one.

Ah, that's what I like to see. At least I can trust you lot. Morning, Melba. My

meeting was dull, stupid and insane.

Hello, Clive. All good? Sol, happy?

All good. Oh, and Benny from the brewery. On cue.

A warm hand on your entrance.

You wait.

Christ, I've had a night and a half. Hello, Leonardo.

I'm down and out.

Special offers. Love your best friend down the 31st. What?

I know, I don't know who comes up with this shit, me. Someone in a room.

So, I went out last night, hooked up with this ice skater. He said, I'm with

Disney on ice. I said, well, better than being with Disney on fire. No word of a

lie. Grabbed his ass. It was like holding a skull.

Oh, no.

And hung like a deodorant. Like a lady -sized roll -on.

Fuck your mother, I'm talking a canister of right guard. You should see me

girls, I'm pro -left.

And he shot his load. Do you know how many ropes?

Twelve. In the face. One out, two out, three out, four out. I was like a

battered wife.

Trying to work here.

Don't you tell me to put a plug in it, darling, cos I've already got one in.

Penny from the brewery, this is Clive.

We're having some electrics done.

Oh, are you putting the neon back up?

Oh, my God.

That's a thought. I love the neon. I love the neon.

Do you remember?

Ta -da!

I told you.

Oh,

shit. What happened to that thing?

Never bloody worked, did it? And I got the blame for it. Come on, Kurt. A

thousand pounds that thing cost.

You wasted a thousand pounds on a stupid tachydemic.

Yeah, we should put it back up. Curtis would be so pissed off.

Hey, Clive, can you fix me on signs?

Cost you extra.

Where is it? It's not here.

Oh, no, it's at home. It's at mine. I got it in the divorce.

It's a big old thing. Clive, could you bring it in your van tomorrow?

Look, I told you it's a one -day job, innit?

And anyway, I think I'm finished with this place.

Well, I'm still paying you.

All right, yeah. I'll go and get it. Where is it?

Your house. I've got the keys, haven't I? No, but I don't like anyone going

my house without me. Why not? What am I going to do? I just don't.

Well, maybe you should come with me, eh? Because I want to talk to you about

inappropriate behaviour.

Your staff making suggestions on my son. Well, shut up, Dad. Don't be stupid.

What did you do?

Did anything.

No drama.

Felt me popcorn.

Yeah, comes at six. And I know the law. That's inappropriate.

All right, all right. I'll have a word, but come on.

He's a lad.

They banter. Wasn't it just banter? So he's 25 years old. Exactly. He's not a

kid. Yeah, and he's not bent.

Oh, that's the problem.

I did not make a pat at him. Are you kidding me?

I'm not seriously getting bothered. It's people your age who insist on these

rules for good reason.

And I think this is private, Zee. I saw them so I was laughing.

Why is Everton always sexed with you, Lyle? All the time. And it's not like

with you. Come on, Clive, take me to one of your building sites. Let me listen

to your mane.

I'd be shocked. Fuck your mother. I mean, fuck your mother. Who says that? I

being professional.

This is my profession. We're both on OnlyFans.

Look, and that's all.

Sounding himself, here.

A bit on the group chat.

Anything good?

That person with the lipstick said that you fancied Saul.

I mean, how old are you, Leo? Clive, look, he's 65 and he's champion. I'd

to notice.

If you'd a mate who had a daughter who was 25 and gorgeous, you'd notice.

Well, it's not my fault that Saul is...

I've got rules about this old employee.

You can't play that.

You're laughing, aren't you? Just all of you.

You're laughing at filth. It's just filth.

Deodorants. You wonder why you get hated. All right, you can hate us and

us all you like, but why don't you sit down with your son, huh?

Your straight son, and ask him.