Original subtitles

[KIDS TALKING]

Man: ATTENTION, FRESHMEN!

YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE! I MUST HAVE YOUR ATTENTION.

HOW DO YOU DO? I'M THE PROCTOR.

PLEASE! FACULTY ADVISERS ARE WAITING INSIDE TO HELP YOU MAKE OUT YOUR PROGRAMS.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY MAY COME INTO THE MAIN HALL NOW.

QUIET! SINGLE FILE, PLEASE! SINGLE FILE!

NO PUSHING!

NO PUSHING, PLEASE!

I WANT YOU TO FOLLOW ME, STUDENTS!

TAKE YOUR TIME!

Proctor: NO PUSHING! NO PUSHING, PLEASE!

I WANT YOU TO FOLLOW ME, STUDENTS!

TAKE YOUR TIME!

HI.

HURRY UP, YOUNG MAN.

CAN'T YOU SEE YOUR ADVISER IS WAITING?

HELLO. I'M MR. McCANNIS.

AND I'M DOBIE GILLIS.

SIT DOWN.

THANK YOU.

I'M HERE TO WELCOME YOU TO GRAINBELT UNIVERSITY

AND TO HELP YOU PREPARE A PROGRAM OF STUDIES.

OH, THAT'S TERRIBLY DECENT.

NOW, WHAT SUBJECTS WOULD YOU LIKE TO STUDY?

WELL, I DON'T RIGHTLY KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU INTERESTED IN?

WOMEN.

PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO STUDY OBSTETRICS.

NO. I'M NOT THAT INTERESTED.

HOW ABOUT HISTORY OR ECONOMICS?

NO. NO.

CHEMISTRY? PHYSIOLOGY?

NO. NO.

LAW? ENGINEERING? NO. NO.

THEY ALL SOUND LIKE SO MUCH WORK.

YOU DON'T APPROVE OF WORK?

IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR WORKERS.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

I HAVE A THEORY.

THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE:

THOSE WHO WORK AND THOSE WHO ENJOY.

THE WAY I LOOK AT IT,

WORKERS OUGHT TO WORK, AND ENJOYERS OUGHT TO ENJOY.

AND YOU, OF COURSE, ARE AN ENJOYER.

WELL, I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG, BUT...

I'M PROBABLY THE GREATEST ENJOYER,

POUND FOR POUND, IN THE ENTIRE STATE.

I SEE.

I'M AFRAID YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE SOME COURSES, THOUGH.

THE UNIVERSITY RULES ARE SPECIFIC ON THAT POINT.

WHY DON'T YOU LOOK THIS OVER AND COME BACK TOMORROW?

THANK YOU.

KID, I'M WITH YOU.

I HEARD WHAT YOU TOLD THE OLD GUY. YOU'RE HIP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU'RE PLUGGED IN.

WHY, THANK YOU. MY NAME IS DOBIE GILLIS.

CHARLIE TRASK. GIVE ME A HAPPY FIVE.

HOW ARE YOU?

STAYING AT THE DORM?

YEAH.

GOT A ROOMMATE YET?

NO.

I'M WITH YOU.

SWELL.

UH...WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO LOOK FOR SOME DAMES, HUH?

I'M WITH YOU.

[BAND PLAYING]

[MUSIC ENDS]

THIS IS OUR ANNUAL FRESHMEN GET-TOGETHER,

AND THAT MEANS THAT ALL YOU FRESHMEN HAVE GOT TO GET TOGETHER,

SO YOU KIDS WITHOUT PARTNERS, STEP OUT AND FIND YOURSELF ONE

BECAUSE IN A VERY FEW MINUTES, WE'RE GOING TO START THE SQUARE DANCE.

[APPLAUSE]

WOWEE! DOBIE, LOOK AT THAT, WILL YOU?

YEAH.

LOOK AT THAT.

[KIDS TALKING]

DID YOU EVER SEE ANYTHING SO BUILT IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE?

YEAH.

LOOK, DOBIE. SHE'S COMING THIS WAY.

SHE'S COMING THIS WAY. LOOK, DOBIE.

NO, NOT OVER THERE, OVER HERE.

NO, YOU LOOK OVER HERE, SEE WHAT I FOUND.

WELL, HERE I AM, YOU LUCKY DEVIL.

STEP ASIDE, BOY. I WANT HIM.

HEY!

WELL, KID, I GUESS YOU END UP WITH ME.

YOU AIN'T MUCH.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE-- A GIRL WHO SPEAKS HER MIND.

WHAT I LIKE IS YOUR BOYFRIEND,

SO DON'T GET ANY IDEAS, BUSTER.

IT'S TOO LATE. I ALREADY GOT THEM.

HELLO.

HELLO.

MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF THE NEXT DANCE?

NO, THANK YOU. I HAVE TO BE GETTING HOME.

BUT IT'S SO EARLY.

THAT'S WHEN DADDY LIKES ME TO GET HOME--EARLY.

COULDN'T YOU JUST STAY FOR ONE DANCE? JUST ONE.

WELL...ALL RIGHT.

SWELL. MY NAME IS DOBIE GILLIS.

MY NAME IS...

[BAND PLAYING]

♪ SQUARES ARE FORMED AND READY TO GO ♪

♪ THE BOYS IN THE BAND ARE READY TO BLOW ♪

♪ HONOR YOUR PARTNERS AND YOUR CORNER'S DOLL ♪

♪ SWING YOUR PARTNERS, ONE AND ALL ♪

♪ THAT'S ALL, BROTHER, BEFORE YOU FALL ♪

♪ ALL 4 COUPLES, FORWARD AND BACK ♪

♪ MAKE YOUR FEET GO ♪

♪ AND A-DO-SI-DO ♪

I DON'T LIKE TO SEEM DULL, BUT I DIDN'T CATCH YOUR NAME.

I'M LORNA ELLINGBOE.

HOW DO YOU DO?

♪ HEEL, TOE, A-GO, MAN, GO ♪

YOU EXCITE ME.

THAT'S NICE.

♪ SWING YOUR CHICK AROUND AND ABOUT ♪

♪ WHILE SHE'S TURNIN', YOU CUT OUT ♪

Lorna: I GOT A GREAT IDEA. LET'S GO STEADY.

ALL RIGHT.

I WITHDRAW THE OFFER.

YOU'RE FIGHTING ME.

♪ AROUND THE SQUARE, BREAK UP THE HALL ♪

♪ DANCE UP A STORM AND HAVE A BALL ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]

[CHEERING]

I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO SOUND SILLY,

BUT I DIDN'T CATCH YOUR--

Announcer: YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.

IN JUST A FEW MINUTES, DR. ASCOT, THE FAMOUS RADIO QUIZ MASTER,

WILL CONDUCT HIS COAST-TO-COAST QUIZ PROGRAM

RIGHT HERE IN THE GYM. YOU'RE ALL INVITED TO STAY.

HOW ABOUT IT? SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

FUN? IS THAT WHAT YOU CAME TO COLLEGE FOR-- TO HAVE FUN?

HUH! YOU AIN'T JUST A-KIDDIN'.

NOT I. I CAME TO COLLEGE TO LEARN AND TO WORK

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT COLLEGE IS FOR--

A PLACE TO LEARN, LEARN, LEARN AND WORK, WORK, WORK.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

DADDY. DADDY SAYS PEOPLE WHO COME TO COLLEGE FOR FUN

ARE LOATHSOME CREATURES WITH NO MORAL FIBER.

HMM.

YOUR DADDY IS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

I WAS ONLY FOOLING BEFORE.

I DIDN'T COME HERE FOR FUN.

I CAME TO LEARN, LEARN, LEARN, WORK, WORK, WORK.

I'M GLAD.

ME, TOO.

DADDY SAYS FACTS ARE THE WEAPONS IN THE BATTLE OF LIFE,

AND COLLEGE IS THE BEST PLACE TO LEARN FACTS.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE FACTS, I ALWAYS SAY.

DO YOU KNOW LOTS OF FACTS?

MILLIONS.

TELL ME SOME.

WOULD YOU LIKE A GLASS OF PUNCH?

NO, THANK YOU. JUST TELL ME SOME FACTS.

I KNOW SO MANY, I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.

JUST BEGIN ANYWHERE.

UM...HOW ABOUT STATE CAPITALS?

OH, THAT SOUNDS KEEN.

DO YOU KNOW THAT DOVER'S THE CAPITAL OF DELAWARE?

REALLY?

UH-HUH. AND AUGUSTA IS THE CAPITAL OF MAINE.

YOU DON'T SAY.

AND LANSING IS THE CAPITAL OF MICHIGAN.

OLYMPIA'S THE CAPITAL OF WASHINGTON,

AND SAY, IF YOU'RE SO INTERESTED IN FACTS,

WHY DON'T YOU STAY FOR THE QUIZ SHOW?

THEY'RE REAL EDUCATIONAL.

I GUESS THEY ARE, BUT I DOUBT IF DADDY WOULD SEE IT THAT WAY.

HERE, WHY DON'T YOU CALL HIM AND TELL HIM YOU'RE GOING TO A LECTURE?

THAT'S THE TRUTH... SORT OF.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL GO PHONE HIM AND MEET YOU BACK HERE.

JUST A MINUTE. BEFORE YOU GO, THERE'S SOMETHING I MUST KNOW.

YOU'RE GOING TO THINK I'M AN AWFUL KNOTHEAD, BUT I DIDN'T CATCH YOUR--

WHERE'S LORNA?

I'LL BE LORNA? RIGHT BACK.

WHERE IS SHE?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

I FIGURED SHE'D BE WITH YOU.

SHE ISN'T.

LOOK, DOBIE, THIS IS TERRIBLE.

THIS, IN FACT, IS GRUESOME.

WHAT'S WRONG?

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, SEE, THE VERY FIRST TIME,

I FIND A DAME THAT GETS TO ME, GETS TO ME RIGHT HERE,

RIGHT IN THE OLD TICKER.

WHAT'S SO GRUESOME ABOUT THAT?

WELL, SHE WANTS YOU.

BUT I DON'T WANT HER.

HEY, YOU KNOCKING MY DAME?

NO, NO. A VERY CHARMING GIRL, BUT I'VE GOT MY OWN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? THE ONE YOU'RE DANCING WITH?

YEAH. ISN'T SHE A DOLL?

YEAH. WHAT'S HER NAME?

I DON'T KNOW.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

THAT'S RIGHT. I DON'T KNOW HER NAME.

HOW'D YOU MANAGE THAT?

WELL, YOU SEE...

HELLO, DADDY. I'M GOING TO BE A LITTLE LATE

BECAUSE THERE'S SORT OF A LECTURE HERE TONIGHT.

OH, A LECTURE? THAT'S FINE, DEAR.

NO, I DON'T MIND A BIT.

THAT'S WHAT COLLEGE IS FOR, YOU KNOW--

TO LEARN, LEARN, LEARN, WORK, WORK, WORK.

YES, DEAR. GOOD NIGHT.

SHE'S GOING TO BE A LITTLE LATE.

SHE'S STAYING FOR SOME KIND OF LECTURE.

MM-HMM.

A LECTURE. NOW, I FIND THAT VERY ENCOURAGING.

MOST GIRLS HER AGE... ALL THEY THINK ABOUT

IS DATING AND DANCING AND RUNNING AROUND WITH BOYS.

BUT NOT OUR DAUGHTER.

NO, SIR, NOT OUR DAUGHTER.

OF COURSE, SHE'LL BE INTERESTED IN BOYS EVENTUALLY.

IT'S ONLY NATURAL.

BUT THAT'S A LONG WAY OFF.

SURE IS. MAYBE TWO OR THREE WEEKS.

WHAT? ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT OUR CHILD IS--

CHILD? THAT'S A VERY WELL-DEVELOPED CHILD, MY FRIEND.

I'LL ADMIT SHE LOOKS LIKE A YOUNG WOMAN,

BUT AFTER ALL--

I'VE GOT A BULLETIN FOR YOU, OLD BOY.

YOUNG WOMEN ARE INTERESTED IN YOUNG MEN.

IT'S THE NATURE OF THE BEAST.

THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR BOYS LATER.

RIGHT NOW, ALL SHE WANTS IS TO LEARN, LEARN, LEARN, WORK, WORK, WORK.

UH-HUH.

DON'T YOU SEE THE SPOT I'M IN?

WHAT WILL SHE THINK IF I COME UP TO HER NOW AND TELL HER I DON'T KNOW HER NAME?

SHE'LL THINK YOU GOT A FEW MARBLES LOOSE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

HERE YOU ARE!

HELLO.

LISTEN, BOY, I'M A PLAIN, HONEST GIRL

WHO TELLS THE PLAIN, HONEST TRUTH,

AND I'M TELLING YOU PLAINLY AND HONESTLY THAT I GOT A GREAT BIG YEN FOR YOU.

YOU MUSTN'T THINK ME AN INGRATE, BUT I ALREADY HAVE A GIRL.

SEE? WITH HIM, YOU'RE DEAD.

WITH ME, ON THE OTHER HAND--

YOU, I DON'T WANT.

WELL, HIM, YOU WON'T GET.

DON'T BE TOO SURE.

IF THERE'S ONE THING I GOT, IT'S PERSEVERANCE.

I'M GOING TO STICK TO HIM LIKE GUM.

I'M GOING TO FOLLOW HIM LIKE TUESDAY FOLLOWS MONDAY.

TUESDAY, SHAKE HANDS WITH WEDNESDAY.

DADDY SAID I COULD STAY.

GOOD. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET LORNA ELLINGBOE AND CHARLIE TRASK.

HOW DO YOU DO? HI.

WHAT'S HER NAME? I DIDN'T HEAR WHAT HER NAME WAS.

[BAND PLAYING]

COME ON. LET'S SIT DOWN. THE QUIZ SHOW IS BEGINNING.

[MUSIC ENDS]

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THIS IS YOUR GENIAL QUIZ MASTER DR. ASCOT,

BROADCASTING DIRECT THIS EVENING FROM THE FRESHMEN GET-TOGETHER AT GRAINBELT UNIVERSITY.

AND NOW, FRESHMAN, WILL YOU LOOK AT THE NUMBERS ON YOUR DANCE TICKETS?

IF I CALL YOUR NUMBER, PLEASE COME TO THE MICROPHONE.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S OUR NUMBER--

NUMBER 164.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

THAT'S YOU, DOBIE! GO ON UP THERE!

GO ON. GO ON.

NO. YOU GO.

OH, BUT--

GO AHEAD. GO ON. TAKE THE TICKET AND GO.

WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

SO I COULD FIND OUT HER NAME.

SHE'LL HAVE TO TELL IT TO DR. ASCOT, AND I'LL KNOW IT, TOO.

PRETTY CLEVER, HUH?

WHAT'S SO CLEVER?

YOU MIGHT HAVE WON A PILE OF MONEY UP THERE.

NO, NOT ME. I'M NOT GOOD AT THESE THINGS.

GOOD EVENING, LITTLE LADY.

HELLO.

HOW ARE YOU THIS EVENING?

FINE, YOU ALL SET TO THANK YOU. WIN SOME MONEY?

I HOPE SO. YOU HOPE SO?

HA HA HA! THAT'S RICH.

THIS LITTLE LADY HAS HER WITS ABOUT HER.

[KIDS WOLF WHISTLING]

MISS, IF YOU WILL LOOK AT THE LIST OF CATEGORIES

AND CHOOSE A SUBJECT YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

[WOLF WHISTLES]

WOO-HOO! MMM.

NUMBER 5--NAMES OF STATE CAPITALS.

Ascot: NUMBER 5-- NAMES OF STATE CAPITALS. ALL RIGHT.

FOR $10, CAN YOU TELL ME THE CAPITAL

OF THE STATE OF DELAWARE?

DOVER.

OH, NO.

Ascot: RIGHT.

VERY NICE.

AND NOW FOR $20, THE CAPITAL OF THE STATE OF MAINE.

AUGUSTA.

Ascot: RIGHT!

ANYTHING THE MATTER?

[CHEERING]

AND NOW FOR $50...

CAPITAL OF THE STATE OF MICHIGAN.

LANSING?

Ascot: RIGHT!

WHAT'S WRONG? WHAT'S WRONG, MY DARLING? TELL LORNA.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

NEVER IN ALL MY YEARS OF RADIO HAVE I HAD

SUCH BRILLIANTLY FAST ANSWERS.

THANK YOU.

AND NOW, MY DEAR,

FOR THE $100 AND FINAL QUESTION-- YOU WANT TO TRY IT?

Girl: SHOOT.

ALL RIGHT, FOR $100...

WHAT IS THE CAPITAL OF THE STATE OF WASHINGTON?

OH, THAT'S EASY. OLYMPIA!

AAH!

[KIDS CHEERING AND BAND PLAYING]

WHAT?

HA HA! CONGRATULATIONS.

THANK YOU.

AND NOW, UH...

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

I'M GETTING YOU OUT OF HERE.

NO! NOT NOW. I PAID $100 TO HEAR THIS.

MY NAME IS...

MARY BROWN.

YOU WERE SWEET TO LET ME GO ON THE STAGE INSTEAD OF YOU.

THINK NOTHING OF IT, MARY BROWN.

HA HA HA. YOU'RE SUCH A FUNNY BOY, DOBIE.

THANKS, MARY BROWN.

THANK YOU, DOBIE.

THIS IS ONE OF THE NICEST EVENINGS OF MY WHOLE LIFE.

I'M GLAD, MARY BROWN.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, DOBIE.

GOOD NIGHT, MARY BROWN.

YOUR FATHER!

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

YOU TOLD HIM YOU WERE GOING TO A LECTURE TONIGHT.

SUPPOSE HE WAS LISTENING TO THE RADIO AND HEARD YOUR VOICE.

DON'T WORRY. PEOPLE'S VOICES SOUND DIFFERENT OVER THE RADIO.

BUT YOUR NAME-- YOU TOLD HIM YOUR NAME.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

YOU KNOW VERY WELL I DIDN'T GIVE HIM MY RIGHT NAME.

YOU DIDN'T GIVE HIM YOUR RIGHT NAME?

NO. OH, NO!

OH, NO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, DOBIE?

YOU DIDN'T GIVE HIM YOUR RIGHT NAME?

WELL, NO.

$100. YOU DIDN'T GIVE HIM YOUR RIGHT NAME?

$100! YOU DIDN'T GIVE HIM YOUR RIGHT NAME!

NO. DOBIE. NO. OH!

OH, NO! $100!

YEAH, WELL, DOBIE--DOBIE?

OH, NO! $100!

MOTHER, DADDY, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET DOBIE GILLIS!

DOBIE--DOBIE--

$100! OH, NO!

OH, NO! $100!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH THAT YOUNG MAN?

NOTHING, DADDY. HE'S REALLY VERY SWEET.

SWEET? THE BOY'S UNHINGED.

YOU SAW HIM, ELEANOR.

HE DID SEEM A TRIFLE ODD.

ODD? HE'S A RAVING LUNATIC. HE OUGHT TO BE LOCKED UP.

YOU KEEP AWAY FROM HIM. DO YOU HEAR?

HE'S REALLY VERY NICE, DADDY.

YOU'LL GET TO LIKE HIM. HE'S MARVY.

YOU MEAN BALMY. YOU... YOU'RE NOT CONSIDERING

ANY SORT OF ROMANTIC ARRANGEMENT WITH THIS FELLOW, ARE YOU?

WELL, I HADN'T THOUGHT--

PEOPLE WHO GET ROMANTIC IN COLLEGE ARE FOOLS AND MUCKERS

WITH NO INTELLECTUAL STAMINA.

NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT COLLEGE IS FOR.

YES, DADDY.

TO LEARN, LEARN, LEARN AND WORK, WORK, WORK.

THAT'S MY GIRL. THAT'S MY GOOD GIRL.

I GUESS I BETTER GO TO BED. GOOD NIGHT, DADDY.

NIGHT, DEAR.

GOOD NIGHT, MOTHER.

GOT HER FEET ON THE GROUND-- THAT GIRL.

WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HER.

HA!

STILL HAVEN'T FOUND ANYTHING YOU LIKE?

AH, NOTHING.

HAVE YOU TRIED "EENY MEENY MINY MO"?

[CHUCKLES]

IT'S HER!

EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME.

I'D LIKE TO TAKE--

THAT GIRL. WHAT'S HER NAME?

PANSY HAMMER.

PANSY HAMMER.

PANSY!

I'M DOBIE GILLIS.

PUT ME DOWN FOR WHATEVER SHE'S TAKING.

I'M LORNA ELLINGBOE.

PUT ME DOWN FOR WHATEVER DOBIE GILLIS IS TAKING.

I'M CHARLIE TRASK. I'M WITH LORNA.

WRITE THAT DOWN. THERE'S A DOLL.

[KIDS TALKING]

AHEM!

[KIDS QUIET DOWN]

MY NAME IS AMOS POMFRITT,

AND THE TEXTBOOK USED IN THIS CLASS WILL BE

ENGLISH USAGE FOR COLLEGE FRESHMEN

BY AMOS POMFRITT.

WHEN CLASS MEETS TOMORROW, I WANT EVERYBODY TO HAVE HIS COPY.

YOU WILL KINDLY NOTE THAT I HAVE SAID, "EVERYBODY WILL HAVE HIS COPY,"

AND NOT, "EVERYBODY WILL HAVE THEIR COPY."

YOU THERE.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH "EVERYBODY WILL HAVE THEIR COPY"?

WHY, NOTHING. I SAY IT ALL THE TIME.

MY DEAR YOUNG LOUT, JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY IT DOES NOT MAKE IT CORRECT.

YES, BUT EVERYBODY SAYS IT--

ALL MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS-- EVERYBODY I KNOW.

THE RULES OF ENGLISH USAGE

ARE MADE BY SCHOLARS AND LEARNED MEN

AND NOT BY COLLEGE FRESHMEN AND OTHER SUCH VULGARIANS.

GEE, I DON'T KNOW, SIR.

I THINK THE WAY THE PEOPLE USE A LANGUAGE IS THE RIGHT WAY,

AND IF THE RULE SAYS NO, THEN THE RULE OUGHT TO BE CHANGED.

IN THE 25 YEARS THAT I HAVE DEVOTED TO THIS UNDERPAID PROFESSION OF TEACHING,

I HAVE HEARD MANY AN ASININE OUTBURST

BUT NEVER ONE SO ASININE AS YOURS.

I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT YOUR RECENT PASSAGE THROUGH PUBERTY

HAS AFFECTED YOUR MIND,

FOR YOU, SIR, ARE A PRESUMPTUOUS DRIVELER,

A CRETINOUS BARBARIAN, A THICK-TONGUED OAF, AND AN ILL-BRED CHURL,

AND IN THE FUTURE, YOU WILL BE GOOD ENOUGH

TO KEEP YOUR MINDLESS OPINIONS TO YOURSELF.

[BELL RINGS]

CLASS DISMISSED.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE A FEELING HE DOESN'T LIKE ME.

MY NAME'S OBISPO.

THE NAME OF THIS COURSE IS FUNDAMENTALS OF CHEMISTRY.

IT'S THE HARDEST COURSE YOU'VE EVER TAKEN IN YOUR LIVES.

IF ANYBODY'S LOOKING FOR SOMETHING EASY,

I ADVISE THEM TO WALK OUT THAT DOOR RIGHT NOW.

THERE'S NO TIME TO WASTE.

WE'LL START THE FIRST EXPERIMENT IMMEDIATELY.

ON YOUR TABLES, YOU'LL FIND A TUBE CONTAINING POTASSIUM CHLORIDE.

THE TUBES ARE CONNECTED TO THE WATER TROUGHS.

LIGHT YOUR BUNSEN BURNERS.

WARM THE TEST TUBES UNTIL YOU SEE THE BUBBLES

RISING FROM THE WATER TROUGHS INTO THE GAS BOTTLES.

NOW, BE CAREFUL.

DON'T LET THOSE BUBBLES COME TOO FAST.

REMEMBER, WATCH THOSE BUBBLES.

ISN'T IT WONDERFUL, DOBIE--ALL THIS WORK, WORK, WORK?

OH, THE CHEMIST'S LIFE IS A BUSY ONE.

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THOSE BUBBLES.

DON'T LET THEM COME TOO FAST.

Pansy: LOOK.

LOOK, DOBIE. IT'S STARTING.

IT'S STARTING TO BUBBLE!

LITTLE GIRL, DID YOU HEAR ME SAY TO WATCH THOSE BUBBLES?

YES, SIR. I'LL BE CAREFUL.

I'D APPRECIATE IT.

LOOK HOW FAST THEY'RE COMING.

DOBIE, ISN'T IT DIVINE?

OH, LOOK. THEY'RE COMING FASTER NOW...

AND FASTER AND FASTER...

AND FASTER AND FASTER! LOOK AT THEM!

[EXPLOSION AND GLASS SHATTERS]

SO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE STAFF OF THE QUARTERLY.

SHE DOES.

KIDS, HERE'S WHAT I CAN DO.

I CAN PUT YOU TO WORK SELLING SUBSCRIPTIONS,

NOT THAT YOU WOULD SELL ANY.

NOBODY BUYS THE QUARTERLY.

SELLING SUBSCRIPTIONS?

BUT I WANT TO WRITE POETRY AND STORIES

AND SIMPLY MARVELOUS THINGS LIKE THAT.

LOOK, HONEY, THEY TOLD ME UPSTAIRS

THAT IF WE DIDN'T SHOW A PROFIT THIS YEAR,

THEY WOULD CLOSE THE MAGAZINE,

SO IF YOU'RE REALLY INTERESTED IN WRITING POETRY AND STORIES

AND SIMPLY MARVELOUS LITTLE THINGS,

YOU'LL GO OUT AND SELL SUBSCRIPTIONS.

YES, SIR. COME ON, KIDS.

WE'LL GO OUT AND DIG UP SOME SUBSCRIBERS.

[ORCHESTRAL SOUNDTRACK MUSIC PLAYING]

THAT GIRL OF YOURS IS MAKING ME OLD BEFORE MY TIME.

I DON'T LIKE IT ANY MORE THAN YOU DO, BUT WHAT CAN I DO?

TELL HER THE TRUTH.

TELL HER YOU HATE WORK.

TELL HER I HATE WORK.

TELL HER LORNA HATES WORK.

TELL HER WE GET FUN OUT OF HAVING FUN

AND SHE'S MAKING WRECKS OUT OF ALL OF US.

SHE'D WALK OUT ON ME.

THAT'S IT. THINK OF YOURSELF.

NEVER MIND ME.

NEVER MIND LORNA.

JUST THINK OF YOURSELF.

GEE, CHARLIE, I'M SORRY.

NAH. A LOT OF GOOD THAT DOES.

CHARLIE...

YOU SORE, CHARLIE?

CHARLIE.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL HER.

PANSY, I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU,

AND IT'S NOT EASY.

ME, TOO, BUT YOU TELL ME YOURS FIRST.

NO. YOU.

WELL...

I KNOW YOU'LL THINK I'M TERRIBLE,

BECAUSE YOU'RE THE TYPE OF MAN WHO LIKES TO LEARN, LEARN, LEARN,

WORK, WORK, WORK, BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.

I JUST CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS ANYMORE.

I'M TIRED. I DON'T WANT TO WORK ANYMORE.

I DON'T CARE WHAT DADDY SAYS.

I WANT TO HAVE FUN AND LAUGHS AND ROMANCE.

THAT'S WONDERFUL. THAT'S JUST WONDERFUL. WE'LL START RIGHT AWAY.

TONIGHT WE'LL GO CANOEING.

OH, THAT SOUNDS MARVELOUS.

AND THE NEXT NIGHT, WE'LL GO DANCING.

AND THEN... PANSY, IT'S GOING TO BE SO GREAT.

WHAT'S WRONG?

DADDY. HE WON'T LET ME GO OUT.

SURE, HE WILL.

NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT.

OH, PLEASE, DADDY.

NO! HE'S A MANIAC. HE'S A PUBLIC MENACE.

GEORGE, HE'S NOT AS BAD AS ALL THAT.

WHAT?

I THINK WE SHOULD LET PANSY GO OUT WITH HIM.

YOU TRUST YOUR DAUGHTER WITH THAT JACK THE RIPPER?

OH, NOW, STEADY, BOY.

PANSY, YOU CAN GO.

OH, THANK YOU, MOTHER.

BUT BE HOME BY 10:00, DO YOU HEAR?

YES, DADDY.

10:00! NO LATER!

YES, DADDY.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[UKULELE PLAYING]

♪ ALL I DO IS DREAM OF YOU ♪

♪ THE WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH ♪

♪ WITH THE DAWN, I STILL GO ON ♪

♪ AND DREAM OF YOU ♪

♪ YOU'RE EVERY THOUGHT, YOU'RE EVERYTHING ♪

♪ YOU'RE EVERY SONG I EVER SING ♪

♪ SUMMER, WINTER ♪

♪ AUTUMN AND SPRING ♪

♪ AND WERE THERE MORE THAN 24 ♪

♪ HOURS A DAY ♪

♪ THEY'D BE SPENT IN SWEET CONTENT ♪

♪ DREAMING AWAY ♪

♪ WHEN SKIES ARE GRAY, WHEN SKIES ARE BLUE ♪

♪ MORNING, NOON, AND NIGHTTIME, TOO ♪

♪ ALL I DO THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH ♪

♪ IS DREAM OF YOU ♪

♪ ALL I DO IS ♪

♪ AND WERE THERE MORE THAN 24 ♪

♪ DREAM OF YOU ♪

♪ HOURS A DAY ♪

♪ DREAM OF YOU ♪

♪ THEY'D BE SPENT IN SWEET CONTENT ♪

♪ DREAMING AWAY ♪

♪ THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH ♪

♪ WHEN SKIES ARE GRAY ♪

♪ WHEN SKIES ARE BLUE ♪

♪ MORNING, NOON, AND NIGHTTIME, TOO ♪

♪ ALL I DO ♪

♪ ALL I DO THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH ♪

♪ IS DREAM OF ♪

♪ YOU ♪

I NEVER KNEW HAVING FUN COULD BE SO MUCH FUN.

YOU'RE THE GREATEST GIRL IN THE UNITED STATES.

THANK YOU, DOBIE.

MAYBE CANADA, TOO.

YOU'RE WONDERFUL, TOO.

THANKS.

IT'S 9:50! WE'LL NEVER MAKE IT!

OF COURSE WE WILL.

I'VE GOT TO PADDLE BACK TO THE DOCK

AND GET YOU HOME BY 10:00.

IT TAKES 3 MINUTES TO GET TO THE DOCK

AND 7 MINUTES TO DRIVE ME HOME. WE'LL MAKE IT.

3 MINUTES TO GET TO THE DOCK? ARE YOU KIDDING?

IT TOOK ME 15 MINUTES TO PADDLE OUT HERE.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE SITTING DOWN.

YOU CAN'T MAKE ANY TIME THAT WAY. STAND UP AND PADDLE.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO STAND UP IN A CANOE.

THAT'S JUST A MYTH. INDIANS DID IT ALL THE TIME.

BUT I'LL TIP THE BOAT.

NONSENSE.

AAH!

NO, NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!

NOW, GEORGE.

SHE IS NOT GOING OUT AGAIN TONIGHT WITH THAT MONSTER.

DO YOU KNOW WHEN HE DROVE IN LAST NIGHT? 11:30. THAT'S WHEN.

THAT'S NOT SO BAD.

AND SOAKING WET. IS THAT ALL RIGHT, TOO?

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ANYONE.

MAYBE, BUT TO HIM, IT HAD TO HAPPEN.

THAT KID IS A FUGITIVE FROM THE LAUGHING ACADEMY.

NOW, GEORGE.

LOOK, PANSY IS A YOUNG, IMPRESSIONABLE GIRL.

HER MIND IS STILL BEING FORMED.

WE MUST NURTURE IT CAREFULLY

UNTIL IT'S STRONG ENOUGH TO GROW BY ITSELF.

LIKE A LITTLE FLOWER?

PRECISELY.

THEN MAYBE I SHOULD RUN UPSTAIRS

AND WATER HER HEAD.

VERY FUNNY, BUT SHE IS NOT GOING OUT TONIGHT.

AND I SAY SHE IS. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO RUN THIS PLACE

LIKE A HOUSE OF CORRECTION.

PANSY'S FRIENDS HAVE DATES, AND SO WILL SHE.

NOW, NOW, LISTEN--

YOU HEARD ME.

ALL RIGHT, BUT IF HE DOESN'T BRING HER IN

BY 10:00 TONIGHT-- UNDAMAGED--

IT'LL BE THE LAST TIME. DO YOU HEAR?

YES, DEAR.

COME ON, PANSY. IT'S LATE.

RELAX. WE'VE GOT PLENTY OF TIME.

COME ON. FINISH IT.

WHAT'S YOUR HURRY? NOTHING CAN GO WRONG TONIGHT.

YOU SAID IT. NOTHING CAN GO WRONG TONIGHT.

FINISH IT, AND WE'LL LEAVE.

SHH. LOOK!

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ THERE'S THEM THAT DOES ♪

♪ AND THEM THAT DON'T ♪

♪ AND THEM THAT SAYS THEY WILL, BUT WON'T ♪

♪ SO IF SATAN TEMPTS YOU ♪

♪ HOLD ON TIGHT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T DO WRONG DOIN' RIGHT ♪

♪ THERE'S THEM THAT'S GOOD ♪

♪ AND THEM THAT'S MEAN ♪

♪ AND THEM THAT'S SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN ♪

♪ BUT IT LOOKS TO ME ♪

♪ FROM WHAT I'VE SEEN ♪

♪ THAT YOU CAN'T DO WRONG DOIN' RIGHT ♪

♪ LOOK AT THAT GAL DELILAH ♪

♪ SHE HAD 'EM ALL IN A SPIN ♪

♪ SHE CLIPPED THE MIGHTY SAMSON ♪

♪ BUT SHE GOT CAUGHT WHEN THE HOUSE FELL IN ♪

♪ SO YOU SEE ♪

♪ THERE'S GOT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST ONE ROAD FOR YOU AND ME ♪

♪ LET OLD SATAN KNOW ♪

♪ HE'S LOST THE FIGHT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T DO WRONG DOIN' RIGHT ♪

ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.

COME ON. LET'S GO. HEY!

Both: ♪ 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T DO WRONG DOIN' RIGHT ♪

♪ SO YOU SEE ♪

♪ THERE'S GOT TO BE ♪

♪ JUST ONE ROAD FOR YOU AND FOR ME ♪

YOU SAID IT. THERE'S ONLY ONE ROAD FOR YOU AND FOR ME,

AND THAT'S HOME. LET'S GO, HUH?

[APPLAUSE]

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

[ENGINE STOPS]

[ENGINE NOT STARTING]

WELL, WHAT'S WRONG?

LET US NOT LOSE OUR HEADS. IT IS ONLY 20 MINUTES TO 10:00.

WE'RE ONLY A MILE FROM YOUR HOUSE.

WE'LL GET OUT OF THE CAR AND START WALKING.

Pansy: BUT I CAN'T WALK IN THESE SHOES.

YOU CAN TAKE THEM OFF AND GO BAREFOOT,

OR IF YOU PREFER, I WILL CARRY YOU.

IN ANY CASE, WE ARE WALKING.

AREN'T YOU EVEN GOING TO LIFT UP THE HOOD

AND LOOK AT THE MOTOR?

EVERYBODY ELSE DOES WHEN A CAR BREAKS DOWN.

MY IGNORANCE OF MOTORS IS SPECTACULAR.

COME ON. LET'S JUST LOOK AT IT.

MAYBE WE'LL SEE SOMETHING LOOSE OR SOMETHING.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

GOODY. I LOVE TO LOOK AT MOTORS.

YOU HAVE A VERY NICE MOTOR, DOBIE.

THANK YOU.

ALL THOSE WIRES AND BOLTS AND EVERYTHING.

OK. LET'S START WALKING.

WAIT A MINUTE. I THINK I SEE

SOMETHING LOOSE, HUH, RIGHT OVER THERE?

YEAH. YEAH. THERE IS SOMETHING LOOSE.

YOU GO START THE MOTOR, AND I'LL WATCH.

YEAH. OK.

Pansy: OK, DOBIE! START HER UP!

[ENGINE NOT STARTING]

[ENGINE STARTS]

IT STARTED! HEY, IT STARTED!

THANK GOODNESS THE LIGHTS ARE OUT. THEY'VE GONE TO BED.

IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENED TO US.

I DON'T THINK YOU BETTER WALK ME TO THE DOOR.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

[GUNSHOTS ON TELEVISION]

PANSY!

AND DADDY SAYS IF YOU COME AROUND AGAIN,

HE'LL KNOCK YOU INTO THE GROUND LIKE A TENT POLE.

BUT I LOVE YOU!

I LOVE YOU, TOO, DOBIE, BUT DADDY SAYS HE'LL MURDER YOU,

AND THERE ISN'T A JURY IN THE COUNTRY THAT'LL CONVICT HIM.

IF WE CAN'T SEE EACH OTHER AT NIGHT,

THEN WE'LL CUT CLASSES AND HAVE FUN IN THE DAYTIME.

WHAT CAN YOU DO IN THE DAYTIME?

WONDERFUL THINGS!

GOING FOR LONG RIDES, HAVING PICNICS,

LONG WALKS IN THE COUNTRY.

BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR CLASSES?

WHEN IT RAINS.

♪ LA DA DUM DA DEE DUM DUM ♪

♪ YOU BETTER TAKE YOUR HAND RIGHT OFF OF THAT WHEEL ♪

♪ HMM HMM HMM HMM HMM HMM HMM ♪

♪ THIS IS JUST LIKE A SCENE WITH HOWARD KEEL ♪

♪ COUNTRY LIKE THIS ♪

♪ FILLS ME FULL OF ROMANCE ♪

♪ LIKE FRED ASTAIRE, GOT TO DANCE ♪

♪ LA DA DOO DOO ♪

♪ AND WERE THERE MORE THAN 24 ♪

♪ HOURS A DAY ♪

♪ NO STUDIES, JUST PLAY ♪

♪ THEY'D BE SPENT IN SWEET CONTENT ♪

♪ DREAMING AWAY ♪

♪ ALL NIGHT AND ALL DAY ♪

♪ WHEN SKIES ARE GRAY ♪

♪ WHEN SKIES ARE BLUE ♪

Both: ♪ MORNING, NOON, AND NIGHTTIME, TOO ♪

♪ ALL I DO THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH ♪

♪ IS DREAM OF YOU AND ME TOGETHER LIKE THIS ♪

♪ SPENDING MINUTES AND HOURS AND DAYS OF BLISS ♪

♪ ALL ALONE AND WITHOUT ANY PEOPLE AROUND ♪

♪ NOT A SOUND ♪

[THUNDER]

Pomfritt: YOU'RE BACK.

YES, SIR.

THAT'S TOO BAD. I'D RATHER HOPED

SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED TO YOU.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, YOU BARRACUDA?

YOU HAD TO COME BACK, HUH?

Pomfritt: YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.

I SHOULD LIKE TO REMIND YOU THAT SEVERAL WEEKS AGO,

I ASKED YOU ALL TO WRITE AN ESSAY.

I THINK THAT NOW ENOUGH TIME HAS ELAPSED

FOR EVEN THE MOST DIM AND SLUGGISH OF YOU

TO HAVE COMPLETED THE ASSIGNMENT.

YOUR ESSAYS MUST BE ON MY DESK

NO LATER THAN 5:00 THIS AFTERNOON.

NO EXCUSES WILL BE ACCEPTED.

[WHISPERING] What essay?

How should I know? What essay?

You got to write a 2,000-word essay.

Did you hear that? A 2,000-word essay by 5:00.

We'll do it.

I can't even talk 2,000 words by 5:00.

[CLEARS THROAT]

IF YOU TWO WOULD BE KIND ENOUGH TO TAKE

YOUR GRUBBY LITTLE HANDS OFF EACH OTHER,

I SHOULD LIKE TO COMMENCE MY LECTURE.

THANK YOU.

TODAY WE SHALL TAKE UP THE PROPER USE OF "SHALL" AND "WILL."

NICE TO SEE YOU AFTER ALL THESE WEEKS.

IT'S NICE TO BE HERE.

WHAT'S THE BOTTLE FOR?

DURING YOUR LONG ABSENCE, EACH STUDENT WAS GIVEN AN UNKNOWN TO ANALYZE.

HOW DO YOU ANALYZE AN UNKNOWN?

I EXPLAINED THE PROCESS IN SOME DETAIL WHILE YOU WERE GONE.

WHEN DO WE HAVE TO HAND IN OUR REPORTS?

TOMORROW MORNING.

IF YOU WERE THINKING OF COPYING SOMEONE ELSE'S REPORT,

I THINK IT ONLY FAIR TO TELL YOU

THAT EACH STUDENT HAS A DIFFERENT UNKNOWN.

FIRST THE ESSAY. NOW THIS.

LET'S BORROW SOMEBODY'S NOTES.

YEAH. CHARLIE, CAN I HAVE A LOOK AT YOUR NOTES?

HERE. TAKE MINE.

THANKS.

LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF.

THIS'LL TAKE US ALL NIGHT.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S WHAT?

WE'LL WORK ALL NIGHT.

HERE IN THE LAB? BUT, DOBIE, THEY DON'T ALLOW STUDENTS

IN THE CLASSROOMS AT NIGHT,

ESPECIALLY STUDENTS OF MIXED SEXES.

WE'LL SNEAK IN JUST BEFORE CLOSING TIME AND HIDE IN THE CLOSET,

AND THEN WHEN EVERYBODY GOES,

WE'LL TIPTOE OUT AND PULL THE SHADES

AND LIGHT OUR BURNERS AND DO THE EXPERIMENT.

I'M WITH YOU, BUT FIRST OF ALL,

WE'LL GO TO THE LIBRARY AND WRITE OUR ESSAYS.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

PANSY, COULD YOU LOVE A CHEAT?

WHAT?

IT'S NOW 4:30. I'LL NEVER GET AN ESSAY WRITTEN BY 5:00.

I'M GOING TO COPY ONE FROM THIS BOOK.

DOBIE, YOU'RE NOT.

I KNOW IT'S A HORRIBLE THING, BUT IF I DON'T COPY THE ESSAY,

I FLUNK THE COURSE, I GET KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL, I'M NOT WITH YOU ANYMORE,

AND TO BE WITH YOU, I'D DO ANYTHING.

OF COURSE, IF YOU PUT IT THAT WAY--

THEN IT'S ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE THIS A HABIT, ARE YOU, DOBIE?

NO, NO. AFTER THIS, I GO STRAIGHT.

HERE THEY ARE, PROFESSOR.

PSHAW. I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD TO FLUNKING YOU.

WELL, PERHAPS THE ESSAYS WON'T BE ANY GOOD,

AND I CAN FLUNK YOU ANYHOW, HUH?

SHH.

DOBIE, I'M SCARED.

IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT AS SOON AS WE START WORKING.

YEAH, BUT CAN'T WE TURN THE LIGHTS ON?

NO. WE'D BETTER NOT.

PANSY, LET ME PUT THIS AS KINDLY AS POSSIBLE.

I THINK I'D BETTER DO ALL THE LAB WORK.

BUT I LOVE LAB WORK.

I KNOW, BUT WE CAN'T AFFORD

ANY EXPLOSIONS RIGHT NOW.

YOU READ THE NOTES TO ME WHILE I DO THE WORK.

ALL RIGHT.

"TO TEST FOR METALS OF THE HYDROCHLORIC ACID GROUP,

"ADD DILUTE HYDROCHLORIC ACID WITH A CONSTANT STIRRING

"UNTIL A PRECIPITATE CEASES TO FORM.

DECANT THE SUPERNATANT LIQUID..."

WELL, THAT DOES IT.

YEAH? WHAT IS IT?

SILVER. SILVER CHLORIDE.

OH.

WELL, I GUESS WE'D BETTER START ON YOURS.

YEAH.

AW, POOR DOBIE. WHY DON'T YOU TRY

TO SLEEP FOR A FEW MINUTES, HUH?

WELL, MAYBE I'D BETTER.

JUST 5 MINUTES.

AND DON'T FORGET TO WAKE ME.

ALL RIGHT. POOR DOBIE.

AND, PANSY, PLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING

WITH THE CHEMICALS. PLEASE.

NO, NO, NO. I WON'T, DOBIE. NO.

OH!

AH!

PANSY!

[ALARM RINGING]

PANSY!

PANSY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

PANSY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M FINE. I'M FINE. FINE, THANKS. FINE.

[SIRENS]

OH, DO YOU HATE ME, DOBIE?

NO, PANSY. NOBODY'S PERFECT.

I DO LOVE YOU SO.

AND I LOVE YOU, PANSY.

Fireman: IN HERE, BOYS!

Second fireman: BRING THE HOSES THROUGH HERE!

Third fireman: GET THAT PRESSURE UP!

DON'T YOU LEER AT HER, YOU DEMON!

DADDY, I KEEP TELLING YOU IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.

NO, SIR. IT WAS MY FAULT. I WAS--

SHUT UP! DON'T TALK TO ME!

DON'T TALK TO PANSY! DON'T TALK TO ANY OF US!

BUT, SIR--

THE DEAN WILL SEE YOU NOW.

MR. HAMMER, I'VE CONSIDERED THE FACTS

OF YOUR DAUGHTER'S CASE VERY THOROUGHLY,

AND THIS IS MY DECISION.

NEVER MIND, DEAN. I'VE ALREADY MADE MY DECISION.

I'M SENDING HER AWAY. SHE'LL LIVE IN NEW YORK

WITH HER AUNT AND GO TO SCHOOL THERE.

DADDY, IT ISN'T TRUE! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!

MOMMY, IT ISN'T TRUE.

I'M SORRY, PANSY.

MR. HAMMER, SINCE YOU

HAVE MADE YOUR DECISION,

I SEE NO NEED TO PROLONG THIS CONFERENCE.

ONE MORE THING, DEAN. I URGE YOU MOST STRONGLY,

IF YOU HAVE ANY INTEREST IN PRESERVING THIS UNIVERSITY,

GET RID OF DOBIE GILLIS!

NOW, GEORGE--

EXPEL HIM! FIRE HIM! BANISH HIM!

GET HIM OUT OF HERE, THAT'S ALL.

DADDY, I LOVE DOBIE.

JUST GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

OH, DOBIE! THEY'RE SENDING ME AWAY!

LET GO OF HER!

PLEASE, SIR! MR. HAMMER!

DON'T YOU EVER DARE LOOK AT HER AGAIN!

DOBIE! DOBIE!

I'LL GET YOU THROWN OUT OF THIS UNIVERSITY!

YOU'LL FIND OUT! PANSY, COME ALONG!

DOBIE! DOBIE!

[BUZZER]

Dean over intercom: SEND IN GILLIS.

THE DEAN WILL SEE YOU NOW.

MR. GILLIS, THE RULES OF THIS UNIVERSITY

SPECIFICALLY PROHIBIT CORPORAL PUNISHMENT.

ALL I CAN DO IS EXPEL YOU.

HOWEVER, PROFESSOR POMFRITT

HAS ASKED ME NOT TO THROW YOU OUT.

NO, DEAN. WE MUSTN'T LOSE A TALENT

LIKE MR. GILLIS HERE.

IN ALL MY YEARS OF TEACHING,

I HAVE NEVER READ AN ESSAY

LIKE THE ONE HE HANDED IN YESTERDAY.

WHAT ELOQUENCE. WHAT GRACE.

WHAT STATELINESS.

YOU'D NEVER THINK THAT A MIND

SO TRENCHANT, SO PENETRATIVE

COULD EXIST BEHIND THAT TINY BROW.

IN VIEW OF PROFESSOR POMFRITT'S STRONG FEELING,

I'VE DECIDED TO PUT YOU ON PROBATION,

BUT THE FIRST TIME YOU GET OUT OF LINE,

YOU'RE THROUGH HERE. UNDERSTAND?

YES, SIR.

THAT'S ALL.

♪ I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE ♪

♪ I'LL NEVER FALL AGAIN ♪

♪ I'VE SAID ADIEU TO LOVE ♪

♪ DON'T EVER CALL AGAIN ♪

♪ FOR I MUST HAVE YOU OR NO ONE ♪

♪ AND SO I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE ♪

♪ I'VE LOCKED MY HEART ♪

♪ I'LL KEEP MY FEELINGS THERE ♪

♪ AND I'VE STOCKED MY HEART ♪

♪ WITH ICY, FRIGID AIR ♪

♪ AND I MEAN TO CARE FOR NO ONE ♪

♪ BECAUSE I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE ♪

♪ MY NIGHTS ARE LONELY, THERE'S NO PLACE TO GO ♪

♪ MY ONE AND ONLY HAS GONE, BUT I KNOW ♪

♪ THAT JUST TO SEE HER, I'D CRAWL THROUGH THE SNOW ♪

♪ BUT WHAT'S THE USE? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, SO ♪

♪ GOOD-BYE TO SPRING ♪

♪ AND ALL IT MEANT TO ME ♪

♪ IT WILL NEVER BRING ♪

♪ THE THING THAT USED TO BE ♪

♪ FOR I MUST HAVE YOU OR NO ONE ♪

♪ AND SO I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE ♪

♪ AND SO I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE ♪

♪ I'M ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY THROUGH ♪

♪ WITH LOVE ♪

HELLO, OPERATOR. I'D LIKE TO MAKE

A PERSON-TO-PERSON CALL TO DOBIE GILLIS--

REVERSE THE CHARGES-- AT GRAINBELT UNIVERSITY.

YEAH? YEAH. YEAH, I'LL ACCEPT THE CHARGES.

HELLO, PANSY?

PANSY DEAR, HOW ARE YOU?

DOBIE, OH, I'M SO LONELY,

SO TERRIBLY, DESPERATELY LONELY.

ME, TOO.

COULDN'T YOU POSSIBLY FLY OUT FOR JUST A DAY OR TWO?

PANSY, I'D LOVE TO, BUT I JUST HAVEN'T GOT THE MONEY.

CAN'T YOU BORROW IT?

I'VE ALREADY BORROWED ALL I CAN.

YOU HAVE? WHAT FOR?

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

TO PAY FOR THE PHONE CALLS YOU KEEP MAKING.

OH.

BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S WORTH ANYTHING TO TALK TO YOU.

AND I LOVE TALKING TO YOU.

ME, TOO.

BUT IT ISN'T THE SAME AS SEEING YOU.

IF ONLY YOU COULD GET TO NEW YORK.

IF ONLY YOU COULD RAISE THE MONEY SOMEHOW.

I'LL TRY MY BEST.

PLEASE DO, DOBIE.

I WILL.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I HAVE TO SAY GOOD-BYE NOW, DOBIE.

I HEAR AUNT NAOMI COMING.

CHARLIE, CAN YOU LEND ME SOME MONEY?

MONEY? YOU GOT ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD?

OH. WELL, THANKS ANYHOW.

DOBIE, WOULD YOU MIND STEPPING INTO THE LOUNGE FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT.

HI, DOBIE.

OH, HELLO.

UH, DOBIE, NOW THAT PANSY BLEW TOWN,

DON'T YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO GET A NEW DAME?

ME, FOR INSTANCE?

YEAH. THIS IS A REAL COOL DOLL, DOBIE.

SURE. I'M STRONG, YOUNG, HANDSOME, INTELLIGENT.

SHE SURE IS. SHE'D BE--

SHE'D BE JUST PERFECT FOR YOU.

DON'T YOU WANT HER?

WANT HER? WHY, DOBIE,

I'D STICK MY ARM IN THE FIRE

UP TO HERE FOR THIS DAME.

THEN?

SHE WANTS YOU, DOBIE, AND IF THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTS,

I GOT TO HELP HER GET IT.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS KID.

TAKE A LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT THIS HAIR.

LOOK AT THESE EYES. AND THE TEETH--

NOT A CAVITY IN THE WHOLE HEAD. LOOK.

VERY NICE TEETH,

BUT I STILL LOVE PANSY.

BUT SHE'S GONE, DOBIE. I'M HERE.

SHE'S HERE, TOO.

SHE IS?

YES. RIGHT HERE IN MY HEART,

AND THAT'S WHERE SHE'LL ALWAYS BE.

OH. ARE YOU SURE?

I'M POSITIVE.

HOW CAN YOU WIN?

YOU'VE WON.

WON WHAT?

JUST ABOUT THE NOBLEST MAN ON THE CAMPUS IS ALL.

NOBLE? HIM?

YES, NOBLE. IMAGINE-- HELPING YOU GET ANOTHER MAN

WHEN HE LOVES YOU SO DESPERATELY.

YEAH. HOW NOBLE CAN YOU GET?

IT CHOKES ME ALL UP INSIDE.

YEAH?

SHUCKS, I WAS JUST TRYING

TO SEE HER HAPPY, THAT'S ALL.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

MAYBE YOU AIN'T SUCH A MEATBALL AFTER ALL,

EVEN THOUGH YOU DO LOOK LIKE ONE.

HE'S NOBLE.

YEAH. YEAH. I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'D LIKE TO DO SOMETHING NOBLE, TOO.

HOW CAN I HELP BRING YOU AND PANSY TOGETHER?

LEND ME SOME MONEY.

THAT I HAVEN'T GOT.

DOBIE, MAYBE WE COULD RAISE SOME.

MAYBE IF WE SOLD SOME THINGS.

YEAH. SURE.

THAT'S REAL SWELL OF YOU KIDS.

YEAH. LET'S SEE. WHAT CAN WE SELL?

WHAT HAVE WE GOT THAT WE DON'T USE?

YEAH. THAT'S IT. SOMETHING WE DON'T USE.

OUR BOOKS!

SURE.

GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING!

AND WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU TODAY?

WE'D LIKE TO SELL THESE BOOKS, PLEASE.

OH, YES, PROFESSOR POMFRITT'S BOOK,

ENGLISH USAGE FOR COLLEGE FRESHMEN.

EXCELLENT BOOK, EXCELLENT.

HOW MUCH CAN YOU GIVE US FOR IT, PLEASE?

$2.50 APIECE.

$2.50? WE PAID YOU $4.25 FOR THESE BOOKS!

DEPRECIATION.

HEY, TELL ME SOMETHING, MAC.

HOW MUCH DO YOU GET FOR A SECONDHAND COPY?

$3.75.

WELL, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

YOU BUY THEM FOR $2.50, YOU SELL THEM FOR $3.75.

WHY, HE MAKES A $1.25 ON EACH COPY.

MY DEAR YOUNG LADY, DO YOU REALIZE THE OVERHEAD IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?

WHY, I HAVE TO--

MEN, I GOT IT!

THIS IS HOW WE GET THE MONEY TO SEND DOBIE TO NEW YORK!

Both: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WE GO INTO THE SECONDHAND BOOK BUSINESS.

WHY SHOULD HAMMERSMITH MAKE ALL THE MONEY?

LORNA BABY, YOU GOT BRAINS YOU AIN'T EVEN USED YET.

IT'S A CINCH.

HOW MANY KIDS USE PROFESSOR POMFRITT'S BOOK?

300, 400?

RIGHT.

WE BUY THE BOOKS, KEEP THEM TILL NEXT SEMESTER

WHEN THE NEW CLASS COMES IN,

THEN WE SELL THEM TO THE NEW CLASS AT A BIG, JUICY PROFIT!

THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S WONDERFUL!

JUST ONE PROBLEM.

WHAT?

WHERE DO WE GET THE MONEY TO BUY THE BOOKS?

OH, YEAH.

MAYBE WE COULD BORROW IT?

WHAT KIND OF SECURITY HAVE WE GOT?

YOUR CAR, DOBIE.

YEAH...YOUR CAR.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

Lorna: $900.

Man: $600.

800.

625.

790.

635.

780.

650.

HEY, LATVIAN, YOU'RE NOT SMILING.

EXCUSE ME.

I'LL MAKE IT 675, BUT THAT'S ALL I CAN LEND YOU ON THIS CAR.

OH, LET'S NOT HAGGLE. 700.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME AND WORK HERE?

700.

AS A FULL PARTNER.

700?

YOU WIN, BUT REMEMBER, IF YOU DON'T PAY ME IN 30 DAYS,

I'LL PICK UP THE CAR.

DON'T WORRY.

THE CONSTRUCTION "DUE TO" MUST ALWAYS BE PRECEDED BY THE VERB "TO BE."

IT IS CORRECT, FOR EXAMPLE, TO SAY--

[BELL RINGS]

WE SHALL RESUME AT THIS POINT TOMORROW. CLASS DISMISSED.

OH, MR. GILLIS...

COULD I SPEAK WITH YOU FOR A MOMENT, PLEASE?

MR. GILLIS, YOU KNOW THAT I'VE IMMENSELY ADMIRED YOU

EVER SINCE YOU HANDED IN THAT SPLENDID ESSAY.

IT WAS NOTHING.

OH, YES, IT WAS. I HOPE YOU'LL BE HANDING IN MORE LIKE IT.

OH, I WILL. I KNOW JUST WHERE TO GET THEM.

WELL, MR. GILLIS--

I FIND THIS A LITTLE EMBARRASSING TO TALK ABOUT.

SPEAK UP, SIR. YOU NEEDN'T BE SHY WITH ME.

OH, THANK YOU.

DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID, MR. GILLIS,

ON THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS?

THAT THE WAY PEOPLE USE THE LANGUAGE WAS THE RIGHT WAY?

AS I REMEMBER, YOU DIDN'T THINK SO.

I WAS WRONG.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

HERE, MR. GILLIS, READ THIS.

READ THAT ALOUD.

"TO DOBIE GILLIS, THE MAN WHO OPENED MY EYES,

I DEDICATE THIS EDITION."

GEE, PROFESSOR!

I'VE DONE A BRAND-NEW EDITION OF MY BOOK.

ALL THE OBSOLETE RULES ARE GONE,

AND I HOPE YOU WON'T MIND THE DEDICATION.

MIND?

WHY, IT'S A GREAT HONOR, SIR.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU, MR. GILLIS.

LOOK HERE!

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S A BOOK DEDICATED TO ME.

WHAT BOOK?

POMFRITT'S BOOK, THE NEW EDITION.

NEW EDITION?

POMFRITT HAS A NEW BOOK?

HE'S GOING TO USE THIS IN HIS CLASS?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU TWO?

[ALL YELLING AT ONCE]

NEW EDITION?

NOW THEY WON'T BE USING THE OLD ONES!

AND WE'RE STUCK WITH 300 COPIES!

AND WE'RE OUT 700 BUCKS!

MY FRIENDS, THE AX HAS FALLEN.

THEY'VE GIVEN ME EXACTLY TWO WEEKS

TO GET THIS MAGAZINE ON ITS FEET.

OTHERWISE, WE'RE THROUGH.

GEE, HARRY, WE'VE TRIED.

NOBODY WANTS TO BUY THE MAGAZINE!

THIS I KNOW, BUT WHY?

AH, WHO NEEDS IT?

WELL, I MEAN, EVERYTHING IS SO EXPENSIVE NOWADAYS.

WELL, NOBODY'S GOT MONEY FOR THINGS THEY DON'T NEED.

DO THEY NEED DANCES?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I MEAN, WHEN BENNY GOODMAN WAS HERE LAST YEAR,

THEY HAD THE BIGGEST TURNOUT IN THEIR HISTORY.

AND IF THEY HAVE A DOLLAR FOR BENNY GOODMAN,

WHY HAVEN'T THEY GOT A DOLLAR FOR THIS MAGAZINE?

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT!

WE'LL HOLD A DANCE!

WHAT?

DON'T YOU SEE?

THAT'S HOW WE'LL SELL SUBSCRIPTIONS TO THE MAGAZINE.

EASY NOW, PAL.

LOOK, WE'LL HIRE A BIG-NAME BAND--

BENNY GOODMAN, TOMMY DORSEY-- SOMEONE LIKE THAT.

AND INSTEAD OF CHARGING A DOLLAR FOR A TICKET LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO,

WE'LL CHARGE TWO.

AHA! AND THE EXTRA DOLLAR

WILL BE FOR A SUBSCRIPTION TO THE MAGAZINE.

RIGHT!

A PACKAGE DEAL!

THERE'S A SMASHING IDEA!

NOT BAD, NOT BAD. NOT BAD AT ALL!

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING WRONG.

WHAT'S THAT?

WE HAVE EXACTLY $1,000

IN THE MAGAZINE'S TREASURY,

AND THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO PAY OUR DEBTS.

HOW COULD IT BE ENOUGH TO HIRE A BIG-NAME BAND?

WELL, WE CAN TRY.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL WRITE A LETTER TO A BOOKING OFFICE IN NEW YORK

AND SEE WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY.

NO, NO, NO. DON'T SEND A LETTER. THEY'LL TURN YOU DOWN.

WHAT YOU NEED IS SOMEONE TO GO TO NEW YORK IN PERSON--

SOME YOUNG, CLEAN-CUT, APPEALING, CHARMING, PERSUASIVE FELLOW.

ME, FOR INSTANCE.

I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG, BUT YOU'D HAVE TO GO A LONG WAY TO FIND SOMEONE

AS YOUNG, CLEAN-CUT, APPEALING, CHARMING, PERSUASIVE AS ME.

HE'S RIGHT.

WHY, HE CAN CHARM A BIRD OFF A BUSH.

THAT'S A FACT. I'VE SEEN HIM MAKE STRONG MEN WEEP.

GREAT LITTLE TALKER, OUR DOBIE.

THE GREATEST.

IT'S ALL TRUE WHAT THEY SAY.

WELL...

ALL RIGHT.

YOU'VE MADE A WISE DECISION.

GOOD BOY.

I'LL GET THE MONEY.

GOOD LAD!

THAT'S USING THE OLD NOGGIN.

GEE, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D GET TO SEE PANSY AGAIN.

I WANT TO THANK YOU KIDS AN AWFUL LOT.

AW, FORGET IT, KID.

WE KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE IN LOVE. HUH, CHARLIE?

HERE IT IS.

YOUR EXPENSES HAVE TO COME OUT OF THAT $1,000,

SO DON'T WASTE A PENNY!

YES, SIR.

DON'T EAT TOO MUCH.

YES, SIR.

AND STAY AT THE "Y."

YES, SIR.

GOOD-BYE, DOBIE.

SO LONG.

HAVE FUN.

AND TRAVEL BY BUS!

Dobie: YES, SIR!

HELLO. MAY I SPEAK TO MISS PANSY HAMMER?

WHO IS THIS?

THIS IS MR. JOHNSON,

THE DEAN AT MISS HAMMER'S COLLEGE.

YOU SOUND VERY YOUNG TO BE A DEAN.

YES, DON'T I?

IN MANY QUARTERS, I'M KNOWN AS THE BOY DEAN.

BUT ENOUGH OF THIS CHITCHAT. I'M A VERY BUSY DEAN.

PLEASE PUT MISS HAMMER ON.

IT'S FOR YOU, PANSY--DEAN JOHNSON.

HELLO?

HELLO, PANSY? IT'S ME. I'M IN NEW YORK!

OH, WHY, YES, DEAN. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO SEE ME, DEAN?

SMART GIRL.

CAN YOU MEET ME IN AN HOUR-- LA GUARDIA FIELD?

I'LL BE THERE, DEAN. GOOD-BYE, DEAN.

GOOD-BYE, YOU TIGER.

DOBIE!

PANSY!

HI!

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!

PANSY DEAR, HOW ARE YOU?

FINE.

LOOK--A CORSAGE.

OH, THEY'RE LOVELY,

BUT ISN'T IT A LITTLE BIG?

I'LL FIX THAT.

OH!

PANSY, IT'S BEEN AWFUL WITHOUT YOU.

SAME HERE.

THERE'S NO CHANCE YOUR FATHER WILL CHANGE HIS MIND?

UH-UH, NO CHANCE.

OH, WELL, ENOUGH OF THIS GLOOM.

AT LEAST WE HAVE TONIGHT!

COME, LET US TASTE ALL THE JOYS

THIS GREAT CITY HAS TO OFFER US!

HI HO!

VIVE L'AMOUR!

[ORCHESTRAL SOUNDTRACK MUSIC PLAYING]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

$600?

Man: THE CONTRACTS?

YEAH, I THINK I GOT THEM IN A FILE HERE SOMEPLACE.

I'LL HAVE MY SECRETARY DIG THEM OUT OF THE FILE

RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

YEAH, UH-HUH. OK. GOOD-BYE.

HOW DO YOU DO, SIR? I'M DOBIE GILLIS

FROM THE GRAINBELT UNIVERSITY LITERARY QUARTERLY.

I'D LIKE TO BOOK A BAND FOR A DANCE WE'RE HAVING--

SOMEONE LIKE BENNY GOODMAN OR TOMMY DORSEY.

HOW MUCH LOOT YOU GOT?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

THE MONEY--HOW MUCH?

BEFORE WE TALK ABOUT MONEY,

I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU A LITTLE ABOUT THE QUARTERLY.

IT'S ONE OF THE FINEST TRADITIONS WE HAVE AT GRAINBELT UNIVERSITY.

YES, INDEED, SIR, WE ALL LOVE THE OLD QUARTERLY.

LOOK, KID, COME ON ALREADY. HOW MUCH LOOT?

$600.

GOOD-BYE, KID.

HARRY JAMES WILL DO.

KID, YOU'RE NOT WELL.

PERHAPS YOU COULD SUGGEST SOMEONE.

NOBODY'S GOING TO GO WAY OUT THERE FOR $600.

AHEM! AHEM!

KID, YOU'RE IN LUCK. I WANT YOU TO MEET

HAPPY STELLA KOWALSKI AND HER SCHOTTICHE FIVE.

THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE BETWEEN JOBS AT THE MOMENT.

I'M PLEASED TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE, SIR.

YOU ARE A BAND?

THE BEST! ASK AL.

THE BEST! THEY PLAY MORE LITHUANIAN WEDDINGS

THAN ANY OTHER BAND ON THE ENTIRE EAST COAST.

WE ARE A RIOT!

THEY'RE A RIOT!

WE WEAR FUNNY HATS.

FUNNY HATS!

WE BLACK OUT OUR TEETH.

TEETH...

WE PLAY ALL KINDS OF CRAZY THINGS.

CRAZY!

WE FRACTURE THE PEOPLE.

FRACTURE THE PEOPLE!

YOU MUSTN'T THINK ME TOO UNKIND, HAPPY STELLA,

BUT I'VE NEVER HEARD OF YOU.

KID, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

THIS IS THE HOTTEST COMBINATION

IN NEW YORK!

YOU'LL COME FOR $600?

ORDINARILY, NO, BUT FOR YOU, YES.

HERE YOU ARE. SIGN RIGHT THERE, KID.

I WANT YOU SHOULD MEET THE GIRLS.

ROTKA, SLETKA, DOBRA, SIMKA, MAJESKA.

CRAZY, HUH?

HELLO? THIS IS MR. JOHNSON, THE BOY DEAN.

I WANT TO TALK TO MISS HAMMER.

I HAVE CALLED PANSY'S COLLEGE.

THERE IS NO MR. JOHNSON ON THE FACULTY.

YOU ARE DOBIE GILLIS,

AND IF YOU TRY TO COMMUNICATE WITH PANSY AGAIN,

I WILL CALL THE POLICE.

PLEASE, AUNT NAOMI, JUST LET ME SAY GOOD-BYE TO HIM.

PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT, BUT THIS IS THE LAST TIME.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

YES.

HOW ARE YOU, DOBIE DEAR?

Dobie: FINE.

DID YOU GET BENNY GOODMAN FOR YOUR DANCE?

NO, BUT I GOT SOMEONE JUST AS GOOD--

HAPPY STELLA KOWALSKI AND HER SCHOTTICHE FIVE.

WHO?

A SENSATIONAL ALL-GIRL BAND--THEY FRACTURE THE PEOPLE!

THAT'S NICE, DEAR. WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING?

RIGHT AWAY.

OH, GEE, HOW I WISH I WERE GOING WITH YOU.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH, DOBIE-- SO VERY MUCH.

AND I MISS YOU, PANSY.

WHEN DO YOU THINK YOU'LL GET BACK TO NEW YORK?

WELL, NOT IN THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE.

OH, DOBIE. WELL, WHEN ARE YOU FLYING OUT?

RIGHT AWAY.

GOOD-BYE, PANSY...DEAR.

BUT I'LL PAY BACK THE MONEY I SPENT.

HONEST, I WILL. I'LL RAISE IT SOMEHOW.

I KNOW YOU WILL. THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

WHAT'LL HAPPEN TO THE MAGAZINE NOW?

HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET ANYONE TO BUY TICKETS

FOR THIS ST-ST-UM...

HAPPY STELLA KOWALSKI.

WHO'LL BUY TICKETS FOR HER?

I'LL SELL THEM. I'LL WORK DAY AND NIGHT!

I'LL SELL THEM. YOU WATCH!

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A TICKET

TO HEAR HAPPY STELLA KOWALSKI AND HER SCHOTTICHE FIVE?

HAPPY STELLA WHO?

HAPPY STELLA KOWALSKI-- SENSATIONAL NEW BAND.

HOW ABOUT A TICKET TO HEAR HAPPY STELLA KOWALSKI?

HAPPY STELLA WHO?

KOWALSKI!

NO.

HEY, KIDS!

WELL?

I'M SORRY. I'M JUST A NO-GOOD RAT.

YOU TRIED, DOBIE.

SURE YOU DID.

I NEVER SAW ANYONE TRY AS HARD AS YOU'VE TRIED.

I'M A SKUNK. THAT'S ALL-- JUST A SKUNK.

NO, YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE VERY SWEET.

YOU'RE A LIVING DOLL.

DON'T FEEL BAD.

THEY WERE GOING TO CLOSE

THE MAGAZINE ANYHOW.

IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

COME ON, PAL, CHIN UP!

MAYBE THERE'LL BE A LAST-MINUTE RUSH OR SOMETHING.

IT'S POSSIBLE.

HA!

WHERE IS HE?

YOU! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER?

DONE WITH WHOM?

YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHOM! WHERE'S PANSY?

I KNOW YOU SAW HER IN NEW YORK.

NOW, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER?

ISN'T SHE IN NEW YORK?

GILLIS, I'LL STRANGLE YOU!

WHAT'S WRONG?!

PANSY'S DISAPPEARED. THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!

AND GILLIS ENGINEERED THE WHOLE THING!

HE'S GOT HER HIDDEN SOMEPLACE!

I'M CALLING THE POLICE!

DOBIE, TELL THE TRUTH. DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?

SO HELP ME, NOT A THING!

YOU'RE LYING, YOU KIDNAPPER!

I'M CALLING THE POLICE!

BE REASONABLE, WILL YOU, MR. HAMMER?

DOBIE'S BEEN BACK FOR MORE THAN A WEEK.

HOW COULD HE HAVE KIDNAPPED PANSY?

HE'S GOT ACCOMPLICES! THAT'S HOW!

I KNEW IT THE MINUTE I LAID EYES ON HIM. HE'S A FIEND!

SAY, LOOK AT THIS. SAY, LOOK AT THIS!

SAY, IT'S A REAL CUTE PLACE YOU GOT HERE, HUH?

Dobie: PANSY! PANSY!

OH, DOBIE, WELL, I JUST HAD TO COME BACK.

AHA! CAUGHT YOU RED-HANDED!

POLICE, SEND THE PATROL WAGON! SEND THE RIOT SQUAD!

SEND EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT! AND HURRY!

WHAT'S WITH YOU?

YOU'LL FIND OUT WHAT'S WITH WHO WHEN YOU'RE BEHIND BARS!

OH! YOU MUST BE PANSY'S OLD MAN.

SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON YOU!

ASSAULT AND BATTERY! KIDNAPPING!

THERE WAS NO KIDNAPPING!

I FOUND HAPPY STELLA AND ASKED HER TO TAKE ME ALONG.

I WAS AFRAID AUNT NAOMI WOULD CATCH ME IF I TRIED RUNNING AWAY ALONE.

DON'T SAY ANYTHING, PANSY. THEY'VE PROBABLY GOT YOU DRUGGED.

OH, I AM NOT DRUGGED! I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT SO CLEARLY IN MY LIFE!

DADDY, I LOVE DOBIE, AND I'M GOING TO STAY WITH HIM.

IF YOU SEND ME BACK TO NEW YORK, I'LL JUST RUN AWAY AGAIN.

I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU SEND ME,

I'M NOT GOING TO BE SEPARATED FROM DOBIE!

NOW, JUST A MINUTE!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

CAN'T YOU TELL THESE TWO KIDS WANT TO BE TOGETHER?

SO WHAT IF DOBIE IS A LITTLE NUTSY? WHO AIN'T?

THAT'S RIGHT. WHO AIN'T?

HELLO, DEAR.

HOW DO YOU DO? I'M PANSY'S MOTHER.

YOU ARE MARRIED TO HIM?

THAT'S RIGHT.

HOW COME?

JUST LUCKY, I GUESS.

YEAH, BUT HE'S--

HE'S A VERY REASONABLE MAN.

HE KNOWS A FACT WHEN HE SEES ONE.

FACT? WHAT FACT?

THE FACT THAT THESE TWO KIDS,

FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE, ARE IN LOVE!

SHORT OF LOCKING PANSY IN THE BASEMENT,

THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!

NOW, WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE, GEORGE?

DO THEY GET YOUR BLESSING,

OR DO I BUY A LOCK FOR THE BASEMENT?

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

BUT YOU KEEP HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU HEAR?

JUST KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME, THAT'S ALL.

[SIREN]

THE POLICE! I CALLED THE POLICE!

[SIRENS]

ALL RIGHT, MEN, CHECK YOUR WEAPONS!

QUINN, YOU AND YOUR MEN AROUND BACK.

YES, SIR.

MORIARTY, YOU AND YOUR MEN TAKE THE SIDE DOOR.

RIGHT, CAPTAIN.

YOU MEN COME WITH ME!

Man: WHAT'S ALL THIS? WHAT'S ALL THE NOISE?

COME ON!

Woman: WHAT'S ALL THE EXCITEMENT?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M GOING TO FIND OUT.

ME, TOO!

HOLY MACKEREL! LOOK!

LOOK AT ALL THE MOB OF KIDS COMING DOWN!

[SHOUTING]

THIS IS IT! THIS IS IT!

THIS IS HOW WE SAVE THE MAGAZINE.

LOCK THE DOOR AND DON'T LET ANYONE IN UNLESS THEY PAY TWO BUCKS!

YEAH!

GREAT!

POLICE!

LINE THEM UP AGAINST THE WALL!

ALL RIGHT, $2.00!

[CROWD SHOUTING]

TWO BUCKS! TWO BUCKS!

TWO BUCKS!

TWO BUCKS! TWO BUCKS!

FOLLOW ME!

TWO BUCKS!

TWO DOLLARS! TWO DOLLARS!

ALL RIGHT, WISE GUY, WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?

IT WAS ALL A MISTAKE, CAPTAIN.

A MISTAKE?

BUT AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE,

MR. HAMMER WOULD LIKE TO BUY 100 TICKETS TO THE POLICEMEN'S BALL.

WOULDN'T YOU, DEAR?

HEY, WHERE'S ALL THE EXCITEMENT?

YEAH, HOW ABOUT IT?

YEAH, YOU PROMISED US EXCITEMENT.

EXCITEMENT? YOU WANT EXCITEMENT?

HERE, CHARLIE.

YES, WE PROMISED YOU EXCITEMENT, AND HERE THEY ARE,

THE MOST EXCITING BAND IN THE WHOLE COUNTRY,

HAPPY STELLA KOWALSKI AND HER SCHOTTICHE FIVE!

ONE, TWO, GO TEAM!

♪ BELIEVE ME, IF ALL THOSE ENDEARING YOUNG CHARMS ♪

[BOOM]

♪ WHICH I GAZE ON SO FONDLY TODAY ♪

♪ WERE TO CHANGE BY TOMORROW ♪

♪ AND FLEE FROM MY ARMS ♪

♪ LIKE SOME FAIRY GIFTS FADING AWAY ♪

♪ THOU WOULDST STILL BE ADORED AS THIS MOMENT THOU ART ♪

♪ LET THY LOVELINESS FADE AS IT WILL ♪

AND IT WILL!

♪ AND AROUND THE DEAR RUIN ♪

♪ EACH WISH OF MY HEART ♪

♪ WOULD ENTWINE ITSELF VERDANTLY STILL ♪

Women: ♪ LEARN, LEARN, LEARN, AND WORK, WORK, WORK ♪

♪ IS ALL WE DO ♪

Men: ♪ THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH ♪

Women: ♪ NEVER SHIRK AWAY FROM WORK YOU HAVE TO DO ♪

Men: ♪ FOR GRAINBELT U ♪

♪ IN CHEMISTRY ♪

♪ IN ENGLISH, TOO ♪

♪ WE WORK AND SLAVE FOR GRAINBELT U ♪

♪ UNLESS THERE'S SOMETHING BETTER TO DO ♪

Men: ♪ LEARN, LEARN, LEARN, AND WORK, WORK, WORK ♪

♪ AT EVERY CHANCE ♪

Women: ♪ COME ON, LET'S DANCE ♪

Men: ♪ FORWARD, ONWARD, UPWARD, SKYWARD, LET'S ADVANCE! ♪

Women: ♪ COME ON, LET'S DANCE! ♪

♪ COLLEGE LIFE IS STORM AND STRIFE ♪

♪ AT LEAST YOU LEARN THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪

All: ♪ SO LEARN, LEARN, LEARN, WORK, WORK, WORK ♪

♪ LEARN, LEARN, LEARN, WORK, WORK, WORK ♪

♪ LEARN, LEARN, LEARN WORK, WORK, WORK ♪