All language subtitles for Tunnel Vision (1976)

TOLOBEGIA TOLOBEGIA TOLOBEGIA
TOLOBEGIA, UNCENSORED AND FREE

Where do all the people go?
Take it all and see

TOLOBEGIA, TOLOBEGIA, WE LIVE IN OUR LIFE

FILLING IN REALITY,
THAT'S WHAT LIFE'S ABOUT

THE LAST WEEKEND, AND
WE'RE GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO IT

TOLOBEGIA TOLOBEGIA TRYING TO
CONVINCE THIS COMMITTEE THAT THE

UNMITIGATED GARBAGE
THAT YOU CALL TELEVISION

PROGRAMMING HAS A
REDEEMING SOCIAL VALUE?

LET ME REMIND YOU, SENATOR
GREEN, THAT TUNNELVISION WAS

ALLOWED TO GO ON THE AIR
OVER THE OBJECTIONS OF CONGRESS

AND THE FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION
ONLY AFTER WE FOUGHT FOR THE PRINCIPLES OF

FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND
FREEDOM OF THE AIRWAVES

FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND
FREEDOM OF THE AIRWAVES IN THE

SUPREME COURT WHERE WE ALLOWED
TO COMMENCE BROADCASTING.

IN THAT LANDMARK DECISION,
THE COURT WAS FULLY AWARE

OF OUR OBJECTIVES IN SETTING
UP AN UNCENSORED AND

FREEDOM OF SPEECH AND FREEDOM
OF THE AIRWAVES IN THE SUPREME COURT

WHERE WE ALLOWED TO COMMENCE BROADCASTING.

IN THAT LANDMARK DECISION,
THE COURT WAS FULLY AWARE

OF OUR OBJECTIVES IN SETTING UP AN
UNCENSORED AND FREE TELEVISION NETWORK.

I CAN DIFFER WITH YOU, MR. FRONTER.

DO YOU SERIOUSLY EXPECT THE
COMMITTEE TO ACCEPT THIS SENATOR?

I WAS MERELY REPOUNTING
TO YOU A HISTORY OF THE FACES.

I KNOW THEM.

I CAN COME TO ORDER, PLEASE.

EARL, PLEASE.

EARL, WOULD YOU COME TO ORDER?

YOU MAY HAVE ORDER IN
THE COMMITTEE ROOM, PLEASE.

PLEASE.

WE HAVE LISTENED PATIENTLY TO FOUR
DAYS OF YOUR PREPARED TESTIMONY.

AND NOT ONCE HAVE YOU
ATTEMPTED TO DEFEND THE CONTENT OF

YOUR PROGRAMING OR THE
QUESTIONABLE ADVERTISING

THAT YOU YOU ACCEPT FROM
QUESTIONABLE ADVERTISERS.

NOW, IN FACT, NOWHERE HAVE
YOU ACKNOWLEDGED THE FACTS

WHICH POINT TO HOW YOUR
FREE TELEVISION, AS YOU CALL IT,

HAVE CORRUPTED THIS COUNTRY'S
YOUTH, DISRUPTED SOCIAL ORDER,

AND LEFT THE OTHER FOUR NETWORKS
WITH PRACTICALLY NO VIEWERS AT ALL.

TUNNEL VISION IS POPULAR
BECAUSE FREEDOM IS POPULAR.

I SUPPOSE IT'S FREEDOM THAT'S
CAUSED AN INCREASE OF OVER

35% MORE MURDERS, SOME -- I
CAN'T READ THIS SCRIMBLING --

FORTY-THREE PERCENT MORE
BURGLARIES AND SOME 55%

MORE PEOPLE JUST LOSING
INTEREST IN THEIR JOBS

AND QUITTING IN ORDER TO
WATCH YOUR STATION ALL DAY.

I SUBMIT TO YOU,
MR. BRODER, THAT YOU HAVE

TURNED THIS NATION INTO
A COUNTRY OF SHUT-INS.

YOU HAVE HYPNOTIZED THE
POPULUS INTO WATCHING

YOUR BROADCAST TUNNEL
VISION DAY AND NIGHT.

AS YOU KNOW, 11 YEARS OF
DEPRESSION CAN CERTAINLY

BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR
HIGHER CRIME STATISTICS.

AND AS FOR A TREMENDOUS NUMBER OF VIEWERS,

LET ME SAY THAT I MERELY SELECT
THE PROGRAMMING, MR. CHAIRMAN.

IF PEOPLE WISH TO WATCH IT DAY AND NIGHT,
IT'S MERELY A REFLECTION OF OUR SOCIETY.

PEOPLE NEED TO FANTASIZE SENATORS.

AND LET'S FACE IT, THIS HAS NOT
BECOME A VERY PRETTY WORLD.

ALL RIGHT, I THINK IT'S TIME
TO STOP PHILOSOPHIZING

AND LET THE PROGRAM
SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES.

NOW, WE HAVE CONDENSED A RECENT
TUNNEL VISION DAY OF BROADCASTING

FROM MORNING SIGN-ON TO EVENING SIGN-OFF.

TO BE FAIR, WE CHOSE THE DAY AT RANDOM
AND MEREALLY CUT DOWN THE SHOWS

TO GIVE A REPRESENTATIVE
SAMPLING OF YOUR PROGRAMMING.

NOW, DO YOU HAVE ANY
OBJECTION TO THIS, MR. BROADER?

NOT AT ALL, SENATOR.

I COULD USE A GOOD LAUGH.

WE MUST HAVE ORDER IN THE COMMITTEE ROOM.

OKAY, ROLL IT.

THIS IS TUNNEL VISION.

GOOD MORNING.

IT'S JUNE 1, 1985.

TUNNEL VISION, THE PEOPLE'S NETWORK, BEGINS
ANOTHER BROADCAST DAY AND SIGNS ON THE AIR.

AND NOW, OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM.

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BLAINE AND NORWAY HAVE
STeadfastly clung to their demand

that the Israelis return
to the 1977 borders.

But both England and the Dominican Republic

have agreed to suspend
terrorist attacks during

the conference, which
resumes this morning.

We'll be right back after this message.

There have been so many books published
through the ages that if you started today,

it would take you over a
million years to read them all.

But now, with Vitabrain
Capsulized Library, you can consume

in tablet form the world's
great literary treasures.

At breakfast tomorrow, you
could enjoy such works as

Crime and Punishment
by Dostoyevsky with coffee,

Wuthering Heights by the
Brontes with Apes Over Easy,

and Candide by Voltaire
with your pruned Danish.

And by noon, you will have
digested all of these great books.

So put your library in your medicine chest.

Eat a good book today.

All capsules are complete and unabridged.

Vitabrain Capsulized Library.

It's food for thought.

And now, here's our
movie critic, Gene Scallion.

It's always a special treat
to write a good review,

doubly special when it's someone
who's been down for a while.

After years of disappointments,

director and the director
of band leader Peter

Bogdanovich has finally
come up with a winner.

A 20th century Paramount
production called Beach Party 1985.

Bogdanovich has managed
to capture the style of the

rock and roll beach
blanket movies of the 1960s.

A lot of fun with hairstyles
and fashions of the day.

We won't tell you anything about the plot.

We can tell you that Bogdanovich's
beautiful 22-year-old actress wife,

Tatum O'Neill, steals the film with
a wonderfully freezy performance.

Cast perfectly opposite Tatum is Marty
Milner as the singing Coast Guard ensign.

The highlight of the
film is a wonderfully zany

dune buggy chase which
lasted an hour and a half.

Hats off to Peter
Bogdanovich bringing back

a bit of the past once
again as only he can.

And now, Melanie, back to you.

Thank you, Gene.

And now, here's Melanie.

Thank you, Gene.

The UN General Assembly
met today to censure

Israeli aggression on
the tiny island of Ibiza.

The six remaining members of
the world body voted four in favor,

one against with the U.S. abstaining
and then adjourned for the Jewish holidays.

On behalf of myself,
Quant O'Neill and Gene

Scallion, we wish all of
you a very pleasant day.

Rock star Jerry Garcia
joins host Kurt Gotti as they

stalk the wild faggot in
New York's Greenwich Village

on the National Faggot
Shoot, Tuesday at 7, 6 Central.

It's Morning Lesson,
Spanish for Americans 103.

A university extension course
for credit with Dr. Emanuel LeBoer.

Bueno, bueno, buenos
días, señores y señoritas.

Esta mañana de cómo es el automóvil.

The automobile.

El automóvil.

Bueno.

Y si nos tardes de macos, Chevy.

Chevrolet.

Chevy.

Chevrolet.

Bueno, bueno, muy bueno.

Y el número de acento 8 es chingo.

1955 Chevy.

55 Chevy.

55 Chevy.

Bueno, muy bueno, amigos.

Y si esto es en el dentro,
es el tuques y rolo.

Tuck and roll.

Sí, sí.

Tuques y rolo.

Gracias, gracias.

Y ahora tenemos un supriso.

Los duches.

The dice.

Los duches.

The dice.

Mira, mira.

Flambés.

Flambés.

Un poco de tuberculosis.

Bueno, bueno.

Camino real movo.

Road runner.

Pip, pip.

Y ahora tenemos algo especial.

Rojos.

Reds.

Rojos.

Yo soy el perro de frijoles.

Buenas tardes y gracias, amigos.

This week, TV news explores
the remarkable overnight rise of

Sirhan Sirhan, star of the new
hit series, No Grudges Held.

Provocative reading in TV news.

At last, you can turn yourself
into a cleaning machine.

Now, with my new Midas
Touch internal cleaning

fluid, I can get the
job done in minutes.

That's right, Mrs. Purvis.
Midas makes housework a breeze.

Just pour a capful into
your morning coffee.

You'll feel its whitening power
race through your body in seconds.

Midas miracle ingredients turn
you into a sanitizing dynamo.

Everything you touch
will become hospital

clean, like your
husband's grimy work shirt.

Or those dirty dinner dishes.

Presto, they sparkle.

It's made all the difference in my life.

Drink Midas Touch internal cleaning fluid.

Caution, the Surgeon
General has determined that

drinking cleaning fluids can
be hazardous to your health.

We're blindfolding Pierre Scouchet, winner of the finest
cooking awards of France, home of the highest culinary

culture of all time, to see if he can taste the difference
between margarine and Mrs. Pittman's dinner bars.

So much like margarine,
you'll hardly notice

you're eating retextured
herring substitutes.

Mrs. Pittman's dinner bars.

There is no difference.

There is no difference.

Her zany fun personality.

Her crazy look at reality.

Stand back now, everyone here.

It's the best of Marie.

Starring Mary Tucker Thomas.

Brought to you by
Metropolitan Room Freshner.

The room freshener that smells
like five great American cities.

Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Gary,
Cleveland, and Wheeling, West Virginia.

Take a vacation in your living room
with Metropolitan Room Freshener.

And now, Marie.

Oh, hello?

Oh, it's you, mother.

Were you over here today?

I thought so.

Mother, the next time you come over
here to dusk, don't rearrange my furniture.

Mother, I can't talk.

Freddie's coming over for
dinner in five minutes, and it's

going to take me a half an hour
just to find all the mushrooms.

That's good.

No, no, no, that's bad.

That's good.

Oh, come in.

Come in.

That's good.

That's good.

That's bad.

Marie, what are you doing?

I'm helping my mother sort strawberries.

What?

That's good.

That's bad.

Honey.

Oh, mother, look, I
can't talk anymore, okay?

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Goodbye.

I'm running a little late.

Marie, you said you'd
have dinner ready early

so we could make that
early show at the movies.

Oh, Freddie, don't be angry.

Look, I had to work late at the newsroom.

I had an audition afterwards.

Oh, Freddie, I'll tell you what.

We can grab some Chinese
food on the way, and it's my treat.

Movies, too.

Marie.

Oh, come on, Freddie.

Okay, it's a deal, you old wheeler dealer.

Come here, give me a little hug.

Freddie, we don't have time.

Give me just one little hug.

Here's an important message from
your air pollution control district.

Oh, here, let me make
you more comfortable, sir.

Thank you.

Hi, I'm Nancy, one of your
many street attendants.

Before you leave your house
to go to your destination,

you should become familiar with
the safety features of your city streets.

In the extreme unlikelihood that the smog
level should reach dangerous proportions,

an oxygen unit will drop automatically
from a pollution control box

located above your head
at every street corner.

Do not panic or crowd.

Simply breathe normally into the mask,

hold your breath,

and proceed to the next APCD box.

This may slow down your trip a little,

but at least you'll get
to your destination live.

Remember, use your pollution control box.

It's a matter of life and breath.

Oh, I don't like this stuff.

Oh, Carrie, vegetables are good for you.

Come on.

No, no.

I'll give you one last chance.

Okay, son.

I think you need to be taught a lesson.

Don't worry.

I didn't just kill my son.

I merely put him into a
harmless five-minute state

of unconsciousness with
Kadel's new phaser gun.

The phaser is the new, non-violent,
bloodless weapon developed by scientists

to break down the
functions of the central

nervous system for five
minutes to five hours.

You're just an animal.

So many uses for the phaser,
dealing with nagging wives,

a maniac, a maniac, a maniac,
a maniac, a maniac, a maniac.

Even unwanted delivery boys.

The phaser, the miracle weapon
that eliminates murder one convictions

and available in five decorator comments.

Now at Nifty's.

It's time to play Remember When.

The show that raises the question,

how much will a person
reveal about himself and

his personal life to win
some lovely cash prizes?

And now, here's the man who
shows him no mercy, Warren Weld.

Welcome to the show.

As you know, our contestants
are chosen prior to the show

on the basis of the most
embarrassing and foolish outfits.

Now, Johnny, tell us who
are our first two players.

Well, Warren, he's a bagger
at the A&E supermarket.

Well, how do you feel in those get-ups?

Oh, absolutely awful.

I never felt more
embarrassed in all my life.

Hey, that's terrific.

You ready to play the game?

Yeah.

Take your position right now.

Okay, now, Carl, Bridget,

we're getting poured some
tough ones on this game today.

We're going to ask you
some questions about

your personal lives
based on our research.

Now, you must answer
honestly, no matter how painful.

If you lie, our untrue
answers will be picked up

by the electrodes implanted
in your scalp prior to the show.

And the lie will register
on our lie detector

made by ITC, causing
you a mild electric shock.

Remember, if you want
the truth, you want ITC.

Okay, here comes the
first question to you, Carl.

Look up at our moniker.

Your father died in a fatal car accident

on April 12, 1978.

Can you tell me the intersection
where this tragedy took place?

Oh, God.

Five seconds.

Uh, state and, uh, third.

That's right.

That's it for five seconds.

Congratulations.

Now, Bridget, we turn the ball over to you.

You were to have given birth
last July to a fatherless child,

but you miscarried and lost your baby.

What would you have
named it had it been a boy?

How did you... Uh, John Jr.

That's right.

That's it for five seconds.

Named it after his father, right?

Well... After you now, Carl.

Here comes your question.

You raped a young girl not long ago

and turned her into a vegetable.

Can you tell us what mental
institution she presently is in?

Uh, that must have been the one in March.

No, Carl, that's not it.

Uh, uh, then it was, uh, in December.

It was, uh, near Thousand
Oaks, uh, Camarillo.

That's it for 10 points.

Go on, go on!

Okay, Bridget.

Time for you to catch up for 10 points.

Here's your question.

After you lost that first child,

you had another one that lived.

However, you soon
sent that child back to the

hospital after you gave
it a terrible beating.

Why did you beat her

and what did you beat her with?

Well, she just wouldn't stop crying.

She was crying and crying during me.

That's fine, Bridget.

What did you beat her with?

Uh, uh, a plunger.

That's it!

You both tied up the game.

Okay, now we're down to the final wire.

Come on over here now.

Audience, this is it.

This is the big one now.

Remember when.

All right, Bridget and Carl.

For that $10,000 jackpot.

Remember, they say that he
who cuts one first cuts one best.

You mean fart.

That's right.

Okay, now you have 15 seconds to
cut one before your opponent does.

To help, we're going to give each
of you a cup of imperial coffee.

Good to the last drop.

All right, now you have 15 seconds.

And audience, no coaching.

Be very, very quiet because our ITC
lie detector will pick up any sounds

which do not emanate
directly from the anus.

All right, now 15 seconds
from now on your mark.

Get set.

This is for $10,000.

Go!

Go!

You did it!

You did it!

You did it!

And thank you for playing Remember When.

Good night, everybody.

This guest on Remember When's made producer
Cy Steinberg's house in nearby Encino.

Travel arrangements
courtesy Mrs.

Steinberg.

This is Johnny Malkin speaking.

Each week, Charlie and his psilocybin
silly family of kooky, crazy chicks

romp through the valleys and
canyons of the Hollywood Hills.

Gags, drags, drugs, and thrills.

And an occasional scrape with the law.

It's hilarious family
entertainment at its best.

Watch Charlie's Girls.

New this fall on Tunnel Vision.

Beautiful girls.

They like the challenge
of every new day.

You only die once.

So why not do it as a blonde?

Nothing can stand in that way.

You'll drive men wild no
matter how old you are.

Be a blonde today.

It's your last chance.

Last chance.

The lovely way to die.

Here's the young people's at
the school press conference.

We're smiling at the dark.

Well, hello, all you young people.

This week, we have another
important news-making person

who will answer all your questions.

Boys and girls, the
former secretary of state

and presently the
commissioner of the National

Basketball Association,
Dr. Henry Kissinger.

Thank you very much, Ed.

Hello, boys and girls.

Well, well, hello, Dr. Kissinger.

Hiya, kids.

Hiya, hiya.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Now, Flavie, I'm going
to leave you alone with Dr.

Kissinger and I don't want
you to give him any trouble.

I'll be a good boy, I will, I will.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Well, who has the first question?

Here.

What are your true feelings
about former President Nixon?

I can honestly say

that Richard Nixon
is... A colossal asshole.

Yes, a colossal asshole.

A colossal asshole.

Mr. Broder, I suppose the mocking
of a former high government official

is supposed to promote
confidence in our country.

That program is completely unrehearsed.

Mr. Kissinger's reactions
were totally Mr. Kissinger's.

The cameras merely recorded the truth.

Hi, I'm Pete Bogliani.

I'm running for mayor.

You know, I like young people.

They got a lot on their minds and they
got a lot to say just like other people.

That's why I'm going to listen to them

because I care about people.

And I'm running an honest campaign.

And with your help, I'm going
to run an honest city government.

I listen to you

because I care about people.

Pete Bogliani for mayor.

He cares about people.

Funnel vision movie matinee featuring
the finest in motion picture entertainment.

And now, today's movie.

William Cummings was
an army intelligence officer.

They said he had one
of the best minds around.

That he had a great
head on his shoulders.

His future looked bright

until one day during the war,

a mine exploded.

Thanks to modern medicine, the doctor
saved Bill's only remaining body part.

His head.

Since coming home, Bill's
put his head to good use.

Together with his
trusted assistant, Cooper,

Bill has become an
undercover investigator.

The best crime-fighting
team in the world.

That is why, if there is
trouble, people get head.

Hi.

I'm one of the best-looking guys in town.

Want to go somewhere
and shoot the shit?

Hey, sure.

Where do I meet you
with my gun, Pheebe?

Get lost.

I just can't seem
to get the first base.

I've tried mouthwash and
deodorant, but nothing seems to work.

Well, don't worry about your
breath and your armpits, Al.

It's your personality
that stinks.

Yeah, but what can I do about it?

Al, you need new heavy
changes, Ego Spray.

It comes in 15 different personality
types for your personality needs,

including little boy, rock
star, aggressive, petulant.

You should try it.

Then you'll have some women right away.

The chicks will go nuts for you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hi.

Do you believe in
love at first sight?

Well, I do now.

Your mother's passed away,

but that's no
reason to lose touch.

Now, with your telephone
company's new service, you

can dial the other world
direct for just 90 cents.

Hello?

Mama?

How are you?

How am I?

I'm dead.

That's how I am.

How's everything going?

Yeah, it's already two
months since the funeral.

Did you send a car?

Did you send something?

Nothing.

I'm sorry I didn't call you last night.

You're good for nothing.

Uncle Morris.

Hey, how's the food up there?

It's boring.

I feel like it's better than I think all...
Your telephone company is new service.

It's the next best
thing to being there.

Oh, they sleep is cabbage.

Wonderful job.

Very happy.

For real.

Recognize these people?

They're your mothers, your
fathers, your aunts, and your uncles.

Sure, they're old.

But I care about these people.

I've listened to what they have
to say just the way I've listened

to what other
groups have to say.

That's why I run
a clean campaign.

If you elect me mayor,
I'll give you a clean

city government because
I care about people.

Carmichael for mayor.

He cares about people.

You've got to level with me.

Mark, brace yourself.

You're pregnant.

He was the world's
first man in a family way.

And all he wanted to do was find
the woman who knocked him up.

It had to be you, Janet.

All the other girls
had protection.

You're a disgrace
to this family.

I warned him.

I warned you.

I want to keep it.

It's my baby.

Mark Parker.

He was strong and tough
until he became a pregnant man.

Uncensored and free.

Tunnel Vision.

And now for a comprehensive look at
international, national, state, and local news.

We take you to the Tunnel Vision in-focus
newsroom and anchorman, Ray Thompson.

The fighting
continues in Vietnam.

Los Angeles opens

its first subway.

There's a political debate.

Our weekly edition of yesterday's
Newsmakers coming up.

Those stories and more when
News in Focus returns after this.

This is our oil rig, number 32, off
the coast of Santa Monica, California.

Last year, this oil rig
killed over 5 million fish.

And we here at
Axon are proud of it.

After our research scientists discovered
that fish caused coronary thrombosis,

we decided to spill over 2,500
barrels of oil into the ocean each day.

Since 1974, we have destroyed over 22 and
a half billion of these ocean living pests

in the name of
community service.

Fish, they're better off dead.

That's why we're doing
something about it at Axon,

the sign of the double cross.

Winfield Carmichael and his challenger
in the mayoral campaign, Pete Bagliani,

met today for their first in a
series of scheduled TV debates.

here are the highlights.

Look at this.

The man hasn't paid a dime
in taxes in the last 10 years.

That means nothing coming from a man who
worked for Tojo during the war as a spy.

I have proof.

Listen, look at the Pope.

Admit it.

You killed your wife in 79.

You're a murderer.

This woman you call your
wife is your former babysitter.

You can't have a baby.

You want me to tell him
why you can't have a baby?

Because you're a spanker.

Oh, you're a spanker.

Well, after years of controversy and
scandal, the new Los Angeles subway system

got off to a shaky
grand opening today.

Here with an on-the-scene
report is Quentin O'Neal.

The line which starts here
at Melrose and La Cienica

and goes six blocks east
to Melrose and Crescent

Heights cost over a
billion and one-half dollars.

The cars go over 500 miles an hour making
the trip in slightly over six seconds.

An ironic note with the opening of
this first subway station came the first

inevitable mishap
and mishap victim.

Governor Mark Spitz said he
didn't mind losing his finger.

It was his nose that was hurt.

From the new LA subway system
Quentin O'Neal Tunnel Vision News.

There is no difference.

And now here with the weather

meteorologist Carol Barnes.

Carol?

The weather and the word cold.

And the news ends with
an ironic note tonight.

The Supreme Court ruled yesterday
that in a head body transplant the identity

of the person
created is the head's.

In the case of Smith or Cannizzaro
against Illinois the court upheld a ruling

that the combination of Donald Smith's
head and Edward Cannizzaro's body

is by law Donald Smith.

Smith had claimed he was
Cannizzaro and therefore

eligible for Cannizzaro's
unemployment benefits.

And that's the news for Quentin
O'Neal Carol Barnes and Russell Foren

this is Ray Thompson
asking you to tune in

tonight for Vic Garvey
and the 11 o'clock report.

Until then here's hoping
all your news is good news.

Rebecca, how's your ass?

It's cold.

It's really cold.

Al is out with the flu but he
has one hour to recharge a

battery on this week's
exciting emergency road service.

How did you get this job?

The people purged the
bourgeois counter-revolutionaries

on Mao Saturday at 9, 8 central.

You're a woman soft,

smooth, hot in the
heat of the jungle.

That's why you want to

take care of yourself

and now you can.

At last, feminine hygiene
protection in a simple to use roll-on.

Touch and glow.

It contains the complete adult daily
requirement of vitamins and minerals.

But not only that,

it's fun to use.

Touch and glow.

Touch and glow, I love you.

And now, join the fun direct from
CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia.

It's Secret Camera.

With your host, former
agency director Francis X.

Cody.

Hi there.

Welcome to Secret Camera.

A couple of weeks ago when I wore
this on the show, we got a lot of mail

asking if this was a
regular CIA disguise.

No way, folks.

We would only wear
this in a real emergency,

say, in one of the
underdeveloped countries.

Give us a little credit.

Okay, we have a terrific
show for you tonight,

so let's get started.

Our first situation,

we sent an agent outside the gates of the
Lockheed Corporation where a top-secret

fighter-bomber is being
built for the Air Force.

Now, let's watch what
happens when our man

offers some of the
security-cleared employees

money for classified
information about the project.

People, people, can I talk
to you for a minute, people?

Hmm?

I want to ask you a question.

Who would like to make a quick 500 bucks
by selling some government secrets, huh?

Huh?

Hey.

That's it.

Let me see the money.

Okay, what do you want to know?

First of all, what's your name?

Ralph Stevens.

Ralph, and what's the secret code
name of the project you're working on?

The code name is Zebra158.

No need to whisper, Ralph.

Don't you recognize me?

Huh?

Frank Sorby?

Oh, no.

Ah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Look right out
there at that camera.

Look right out there.

Hey, look, give me a break.

Would it, please?

Oh, listen, Ralph, I want you
to give me a break and smile

because you're
on secret cameras.

Okay.

It's time for our innocent
victim arrest of the week.

And this week, we went to
Lincoln, Nebraska, where we

chose the name of Pat Borzak
at random from the phone book.

Here's what happened when
our agents went to Pat's house.

How was everything
at the PTA today?

Oh, it was wonderful.

Really?

I just love our new house.

I think it's fantastic.

Oh, who could that
be at this hour, honey?

I don't know.

Well, go see.

Okay, thank you.

Yes?

Pat Borzak?

That's right.

I'm from the Central
Intelligence Agency.

You and your wife are
under arrest for conspiring

to overthrow the United
States government.

What?

The United States government?

That's right.

Get your clothes, please.

Hurry.

You too, Mrs. Borzak?

I don't believe it.

Our agents waited ten minutes
for Pat to come out of the bathroom.

Pat?

Honey?

I think we'd better check.

Finally, they broke
down the door.

And guess what?

Oh, my God!

My God!

Golly!

Well, Pat really
fell for that one.

Well, that's all the
time we have left.

So until next time, be suspicious,
look behind every tree, because when

you least expect it, you
may be on secret camera.

travel arrangements on secret
camera courtesy Hughes Air West.

It's the second annual Primal Scream
Telethon this Saturday and Sunday.

A 19-hour non-stop
Primal Scream Marathon.

Get in touch with your feelings and join
us on our Scream for Sanity this weekend.

If you're a family on the go concerned
about what you eat Tired of the same

old burgers and fries and the horny people
you meet Then come on over to our place

where everything's deliciously great At
Broadley City We're keeping it hot for you

At Broadley City Where else can
you feed a family of four For just $4.

95

and change Guess what we've got for
you At Broadley City They're so sickening

They're so sickening Who are the
dirtiest Meltyest, fungiest, fungiest

people there could be For
Broad and Sonya For Broad

and Sonya And the rest
of their disgusting Beverly

Sonya Sonya, I'm
home Sonya, I'm home

Where's everybody?

Oh shit You've got it
Where did this come from?

Obviously someone's asshole like
your dog I thought he was housebroker

Oh he is

But he heard your mother was coming
for dinner on Sunday Very funny Sonya

I'm out getting hassled in the cab
all day and have to come home to this

Oh Ramon You had a rough
day Oh my last fare was a

beaut The spick gets in the
cab with a nigger and drag

and they have a fight over who's
gonna pay the fare What happened?

Ah the spick stabbed the nigger
What a city What's for dinner?

Ah

We're having it soon Esmeralda's still
in with the customer I had fifty dollars

when I came in here All I know now
that it's out of my wallet and it's gone

You gypsies are all alike What's
the matter and have a good time?

What's the problem here?

Your daughter robbed
me Robbed you?

You're saying my daughter
isn't worth fifty dollars?

You greasy kinney

She ain't worth a nickel

My fungal mats

What's wrong with the world?

Hi little girl Hi daddy

Look who finally got up
The sun get in your eyes?

Oh Christ Where did the day go?

You just went that
way Please mother

Trade roll

Spansois papa How
you doing Fruitcake?

Terrible I tried to score some smack today
and three hell's angels bushwhacked me

in the park You mean
they whacked your bush?

Hardly

They beat me with chains
made me commit some

disgusting sexual acts and
then they peed all over me

It was wonderful It was wonderful
My son is a wonderful boy

He's so non-violent
he wouldn't harm a fly

Unless it was open Come
on what's for dinner?

Oh I'm afraid we're just gonna have
to eat out I really didn't have time

You know I like a good
home cooked meal

Then why do you go home to your
mother you selfish prick I mean I'm out

hustling tricks all day teaching
you illegitimate thought of the ropes

and all you can think
about is your stomach

What am I supposed to
think about your stomach?

Fuck you you Romanian scumbag

Do you think that degrading
ethnic minorities is funny?

No Senator Polanski I
don't But tell the truth

wouldn't you feel more
comfortable in a bowling shirt?

Mr. Chair Order I feel these kind of
remarks are totally out of line Absolutely

We must have order in the chamber
I warn you Mr. Browder that we will

tolerate no more obscene remarks
Tunnel Visions The No Bullshit Network

Tune in Wednesday night for
Celebrity Wrestling when the

guest will be Jackie Kennedy
Onassis Warhol Kennedy Bono

and Sammy Davis Jr.

There'll be plenty of action
and plenty of excitement

as Sammy and Jackie
challenge the pros

I'm gonna kill you got it I've
got it Rabinowitz is fast Hello?

You're a dead man,
Rabbi Rabinowitz is tough

Rabinowitz is tough Rabinowitz is a
cop Hold it, Kinder New New This fall

Hey, hey, hey Mama Has
this ever happened to you?

Baby, eat I've got a sausage for
you Hey, broccoli Hey, hey Hey, baby

sit on my face

Well, it doesn't have to If you know
how to be butch you'd learn you'd learn

you'd learn how
to wear your hair

And how to add 40 pounds of unsightly fat
to your figure How to select your clothes

When you learn to be butch

nothing will ever
bother you again

Hey, can't you get it out of the bed So
get tough Write for the free pamphlet

Learn How to Be Butch

It's Police Comics starring
Lenny Benny as Lieutenant

Jackie Tonight's episode
A Sniper on the Root

Limbeck, can you hear me?

Yeah, pig

Limbeck, this is your last
chance We've got the house

surrounded Now, you
want to come out peacefully?

This is your last
warning Screw you, pig!

I'll never get up!

Okay, Limbeck If that's the way you
want it Okay Send in the police comic

Now, this is really a tough one

He's armed and dangerous

You think you can handle it?

Don't worry, Lieutenant
Leave it to me.

Lambach.

Yeah, pig.

There were these two guys.

Yeah?

One guy was a Chicano.

Huh?

The other guy was Polish.

Huh?

They jumped off the Empire State Building.

Lambach.

Yeah?

Who do you think hit the ground first?

I don't know. I don't know. Which one?

Who cares?

Okay, I give up. I give up.

All right, men. Move in.

Well, that was good
work, Lieutenant Jackie.

My pleasure.

This is tunnel vision.

Watch the vacant lot. It's a lot of laughs.

Sunday at 6:30, 4:30 Central.

Hey, Leon Russell here with a unique
gift idea for Valentine's Day this year.

Say I love you with the Western
Union marijuana grandma lid.

And it's so easy.

Just pick up your phone and your order will
be sent by Y via a dealer's coast to coast.

And you specify if you want
your dope rolled, cleaned or loose.

Your loved one will stay
ripped with our beautifully

wrapped package of doobies
from Jamaica or Mexico.

It's a together way to give
a buzz to someone you love.

So this year, say hi, bye-bye,
and tell them Leon's thing.

Western Union Marijuanagram.

Thanks, father.

He's a shmuck.

He's got a look.

And that's why his network's in last place.

He's the king of TV.

Yeah, yeah, hall, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, get me the overnights in the shares
and ratings on Friday's murder mission.

Okay, sweetie, honey?

Yeah.

Good, good, good, good, good.

And then the research
and testing's on the pilot.

The killer is a murderer, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, sweetie, sweetie.

Look, look, we gotta find something to
stick in the opening slot on Sunday nights

or the whole Sunday
schedule will be murdered.

Yeah, I love you too, sweetie.

Okay.

La Bistro at 12 o'clock.

Goodbye, I love you.

You're beautiful.

Asshole.

Jesus Christ.

Somewhere in this town, there's
gotta be somebody with a show

strong enough to kill the
fucking wonderful world of Disney.

Of course, J.R., we'll have that order
for you first thing in the morning.

Believe it or not, right now, I'm going
to the bathroom and closing this big deal.

It's easy with Dispozo.

And thanks for calling
any time we can be of help.

Dispozo, the executive facility from $219.

Murray!

Hey, guy!

How you doing?

Murray, how are you?

I'm fine, budgey.

How you doing, huh?

Good, good.

Nothing personal.

Yeah.

Well, you know, Murray, you know how I am.

I just find the best shit that I
know how and I put it together.

Yeah.

You wear it well, too, guy.

You know, you look terrific.

So tell me, you're a genius, right?

Right.

What do you got in store
for my Sunday night line-up?

Pitch!

Pitch to me!

Murray, you better sit down because this
is going to knock you right off your feet.

Sit.

Okay.

You're terrific.

Come on, pitch to me.

What do you got?

Okay, Murray, here it is.

Okay, it's called the Million
Dollar Ice Cream Truck.

It's a story about a guy who goes from town
to town, city to city, selling Eskimo pie.

Right away, you grab the kids.

You get the kids right away.

Okay?

Now, we throw in a
little bit of a guy, right?

All right, what do you got in
store for my Sunday night line-up?

What do you got in store
for my Sunday night line-up?

Pitch!

Pitch to me!

Hey!

Murray, you better sit down because this
is going to knock you right off your feet.

Sit.

Okay.

You're terrific.

Come on, pitch to me.

What do you got?

Okay, Murray, here it is.

Okay, it's called the Million
Dollar Ice Cream Truck.

It's a story about a guy who goes from town
to town, city to city, selling Eskimo pie.

Right away, you grab the kids.

You get the kids right away.

Okay?

Now, we throw in a
little bit of adult shit.

You know, like vasectomy
or something like that.

And then, Murray, I'm sure we got a winner.

Yeah.

Except for one thing.

What?

We had a guy eating an ice cream
cone on Son of Cannon last week.

Our show, which you produced.

Well, so what has that got to do with it?

Hey, don't get me into that crap.

I watch a damn tube 25 hours a day.

I know it, Son.

Get out of here, you
fucking fucking asshole.

Hey, hey, look.

I can take this to Grand Tinker.

Fuck you.

Ice cream.

Fucking idiot.

Ice cream.

Mr. Goldstern.

Yeah?

Mr. Milt Meadows.

Send him in.

What?

Murray, Murray, Murray.

Milt, Milt.

You look great, Milt.

Terrific to see you.

You know, you're one of
the best agents in town.

So tell me, what do you got in
store for my Sunday night lineup, Milt?

Pitch to me.

Pitch.

Pitch.

I've got such a winner that I creamed
in the cab on the way over here.

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

Pitch!

the longest extension
bridge in the world connecting

palm springs california
with melbourne australia

this is bob stewart
television news somewhere in

the south pacific an
irish center is accused of

murder on animal lawyer
sunday at 9 8 42 central

it all started in 1965 and
soon there were hundreds

and thousands of them a
youth culture who proposed

an alternate lifestyle drugs
pickup trucks communes

and filth with their by words today just
20 years later only two of them remain

a look at the remnants
of a dead dream on the

last hippies a tunnel
vision late night special

thursday at 3 a.m 2 a.m
central really okay so dig

it so like i'm thinking
okay man if the dude is

that heavy they're like
you know why mess with it

can you see where i'm
coming from oh really heavy

for sure man for sure man for
sure for sure man for sure dig it

and now for a look at
world national and local

news direct from the
tunnel vision newsroom

it's the 11 o'clock news
with dick garvey good

evening welcome to in
focus news i'm dick garvey the

race for mayor is wide
open tonight in that both

candidates democrat pete
bagliani and republican

winfield carmichael have
withdrawn from the campaign

bagliani was indicted this
evening on 17 counts of

first-degree murder
and is in the l.

a county jail carmichael also
indicted this evening on charges of

misappropriation of funds
and espionage president

signs four new bills details
when tunnel vision 11

o'clock news continues
following this nothing

is more embarrassing
than a nervous breakdown

especially if it's you hi
i'm chevy chase last year

over 40 000 americans
suffered the disgrace and

humiliation of total
emotional collapse their

dignity forever shattered
many could have been

saved simply by heating
these five early warning

signs you have a mental
problem if you call your

mother for a date have an
urge to sleep at wayne newton's

house wet your child's
bed walk into a hell's angels

bar and yell all you biker
suck actually believe that

you can make a difference
if you have any of these

symptoms contact your local
doctor think it's a long way back

in a historic precedent
president eisenhower signed

into law today a bill
that makes language lab

mandatory for all
americans over the age of 18.

you have 10 days to
register under the new law

for a choice of french
spanish or esperanto which

must be taken in twice
weekly three-hour sessions

the vietnamese american
community of great neck

long island the suburb
of new york city took their

school district to court
today seems the gooks

have protested that the
busing of their youngsters

to hartford connecticut
there's a lot of action at

the forum tonight where
in the second period the

knicks are leading the
lakers 46 to 32 we take

you for a direct report
from the nba's only player

announcer number 19 big
brian amish well michaels

michaels has got the ball
he's had a terrific game

just a terrific game looking
for somebody to pass

to and he's passed it to
me and i've got the ball

buchowski's on me at
polack strip me twice already

right i go i'm going to
make a move i can't pass to

anybody i think what i'm
going to do is fake right

and go right down that
middle here i go right there's

my fake and here's my fake
and here i go i'm up oh i got

hit down in pain i've been
terrible pain oh my god i'm

out for the year i can't
believe it's my ankle and

goddamn buchowski's
trainer ross breaks looking at

my legs oh i can't believe
the pain the championship

hopes of the team rest on
my ankle what do you think

what do you think i'm
alright i'm okay james

i'm okay where's that
bukowski oh that he's got

son of a son of a son
of a bitch limping to the

foul line personal foul
two shots jesus if that

bukowski hits me again
i'll kill him back to you

ray well our own
scandals here in l.

a reminds us of some from
yesteryear after a difficult

investigation tunnel
vision tracked down former

president richard m
nixon who's now living in a

small house in the
compton area of los angeles

good morning yeah tunnel
vision news here oh man

look i gave it to all last
night no no no so you

don't understand now
we're looking for uh we're

looking for somebody who
uh we're looking for richard

m nixon is he at home
oh no no dick dick not here

man he's not here oh can
you tell me if the former

first lady is at home no
no she's not home here

but as a matter of fact
she doesn't even live here

anymore uh why is that
a long time well what

happened to it well uh
they had an argument over

the bathroom see dick
spent a lot of time in the

bathroom and uh that was
the reason she left because

she couldn't ever get a
chance here's bathroom

and and uh i just had a
big argument who you sir

well i'm joe man i i
stay here this is my pad i

see uh uh what is your
relationship with mr nixon

uh it's just bad man i
mean the guy is uh it's a

nuisance man you know
he gets around here and like

i say he spent three-fourth
of the time in the

bathroom if you're not
doing that he's sitting

around going over speech
you know loud talking to

everybody and it's pitiful
man but the only reason

he's standing here because
he's paying the rent i

see well you all remember
that tragedy last month

when kenya exploded
its first nuclear device well

today poland became the
112th nuclear power when it

successfully tested a 50
megaton device in downtown

warsaw when asked about
the wisdom of dropping a

nuclear bomb on such a
heavily populated area president

gorky kapusta said that's
why we dropped it at night

u.s ambassador to poland
mason reese says the blast

will restore national pride
which has been low during

the last five years of
famine and on that optimistic

note this is big garvey
speaking for the entire tunnel

vision news team wishing you
very very pleasant good evening

uprising in portugal
scheduled to start 7 a.

m tomorrow tune in
for the pre-war show with

joe gorgonzola at 6
45. let's go shoot up

recently this station
broadcast an editorial deploring

the leniency of the courts
in cases of sexual deviance

here in rebuttal is rc
call known exhibitionist

and frequent patron of
the venus adult theater and

bookshop society has
long held that the deviant

is excuse me do you
mind if i move a little closer

there now i can see you
better as i said society

has long held that the
deviant is a freak an outcast

are you wearing tight clothes
do they show off your body

what i mean is equality is something
that should be for all people

how does your bicycle seat
smell after a hard day's ride huh

what i mean to say is that
society has long made a mockery

i will give 25 to a woman who
will sell me her used pantyhose

a little girl would you
like a piece of candy

huh somebody step on
me in their spike heels hey

hey look at this you want
to take a look huh how

about it golden shower
huh have you ever heard

that term golden shower huh
somebody just pee on me pee on my chest

pee on my chest right now
shit on my face huh come

on would you like to do
that i can show you a good

time this has been a
rebuttal to an editorial

transcripts are available by writing tunnel
vision uncensored and free tunnel vision

delicatessen owner serves
his own tongue to save

money your phone call
decides his fate on you the jury

july 4th at 2 o'clock
around 12 30 central it's not

old vision at midnight
presents another 10 round

knockdown drag out
concert your chance to hit

the hit makers sock the
rockers roll the rollers

and beat the band direct from
madison square garden it's a big beat

ladies and gentlemen

have a big round of applause for roggy ruth
rooster makes me eat his knuckle sandwich

he uses his own fish he makes me
eat his knuckle sandwich clears down

okay tight walkers
here he is frankie segway

she gets too hungry
yeah she likes the theater

but she never ever
dig way she's never fun

The End Convert.

The church is changing.

And now, as a community service,
Tunnel Vision presents Suspects Wanted.

Here's Goucher, former head chef
of Le Grand Boucher, Paris, France.

Wanted internationally on 93
counts of breaking and entering.

He is blindfolded and
carries a piece of bread,

and he is believed to
be mentally deranged.

The Pep Boys, Manny, Moe, and Jack.

Wanted on numerous counts of
grand theft for their sensational

1981 robbery of the L.A. Coliseum
during a Rams-Viking game.

The boys stopped the
action and demanded that

all 83,000 fans throw
down their wallets.

Which they quickly collected
and stuffed in a getaway car driven

by 24-year-old former Maharishi
G, a.k.a. the perfect driver.

Former politician Pete Bagliani for his
daring escape from Folsom State Prison

after assaulting two guards and
killing fellow inmate Winfield Carmichael.

If you have any information
leading to the whereabouts of these

suspects, call or write Tunnel
Vision, Hollywood, California.

Tunnel Vision, the no bullshit network.

And now, Tunnel Vision, the
people's network, signs off the air.

On behalf of the staff and
management, we bid you good night.

On behalf of the staff and
management, we bid you good night.

Mr. Rotor, how do you
feel now that the Senate

Committee has voted
in favor of Tunnel Vision?

Relieved, vindicated, terrific.

Mr. Rotor, sir, what are your plans
for the future of Tunnel Vision?

Well, I hope we can continue to
make television that people will watch.

Oh, yeah.

Mr. Rotor, how do you choose these shows?

Well, if I'm watching it,
my ass begins squirming.

I know I've got a winner.

No, no, actually, there's a
whole committee of people.

We repeat, Christian A. Broder,
the media genius who founded

and served as the president
of Tunnel Vision, is dead.

Victim of a mad assassin's bullet.

Capital police are still pursuing his
murderer who escaped after the slaying.

Broder was 35.

Fire Minister Yistak Robbins, speaking from
Israel's European headquarters in Paris,

said that it's been confirmed
that Israel has agreed to sell

50 more Mitzvah jets to the
People's Republic of Vietnam.

The infant identification program celebrated
its first anniversary early today with the birth

at exactly 12 midnight of 7-pound, 3-ounce
Carla Jane Rose, legally known as 6700-129834.

Our congratulations to the
proud parents of 6700-129834.

Well, New York City
has a new owner tonight.

He's Japanese businessman Mitsu Soni,
who had bought it from Arab financier

Muhammad Abdul, who had bought
it from Wall Street wizard Mo Green.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Soni plans to turn the
city into a Shinto retreat.

Hi, does this look good to you?

This is television of the future.

And here's a sneak preview of the new
shows you'll see on Tunnel Vision, 1985.

On Mondays, laugh it
up with the best of Marie.

Just one little hug.

Oh.

Stand back.

Everyone here comes Marie.

Followed by, knocked up and
on the run, the pregnant man.

It's hilarious family entertainment with
those cut-up cuties on Charlie's Girls.

Whoo!

Romanian scumbag.

Then, catch the scintillating wit
and warmth of Ramon and Sonia.

It's rib-tickling humor at its best.

That was good work, Lieutenant Jackie.

My pleasure.

Buzz with the fuzz on Police Comic.

Then, join our in-focus news team of
crack reporters in the field and in action.

Let's go shoot up.

Tunnel Vision.

The gnome bullshit network.

Watch game shows where the contestants
will do absolutely anything for money.

This is for $10,000.

Go!

Go!

It's a fun-filled blast and a half.

See epic blockbuster movies
made especially for Tunnel Vision.

I won't tell you anything about the plot.

Direct from Matt.

It's the Rolling Star.

On Saturday night.

Hi.

I'm Chevy Chase.

Chevy.

Chevrolet.

Learn wetback English
and evade the border patrol.

Stalk the wild faggot in New York's Greenwich
Village on the National Faggot Shoot.

So this year, say hi,
bye-bye, and tell Leon things.

Western Union Marijuanagram.

Thanks, Bob.

Tunnel Vision.

Tunnel Vision.

Tunnel Vision.

Dealing in reality.

That's what life's about.

This is Tunnel Vision.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.

I can show you a good time.