All language subtitles for Top Gear - 18x07 - Episode 7.FOV.English.orig.Addic7ed.com

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Tonight, Raikkonen... Oops.

Evans... Can't believe it.

Slash...

and bash, as we do
proper motor racing.

Hello and welcome to the playground.

Welcome, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Now, we begin with the BMW M5.

For the last 25 years, it has been
the best fast saloon.

Erm, which is a bit of a problem
for BMW every time they replace it,

as Richard Hammond
shall now explain.

This is the outgoing M5 in action
and, straightaway,

you can see the problem.

It's brilliant.

Big, 500 horsepower, V10 upfront,

naturally aspirated,

it's just distilled essence
of single-malt driving pleasure.

And that gives BMW
a problem much like that faced
by the makers of Die Hard 4,

or of Cheryl Cole's 2011 calendar.

This is a personal analogy,
but it works for me.

The problem is this...
where to go next?

Well, this is where they've gone
the next. It's the brand-new M5.

It costs £73,000 and, on paper,

it sounds like a much tamer beast.

For starters, the magnificent V10

has been replaced
by a more polar bear-friendly V8.

When you're driving along,
you can certainly hear it.

But then you would
as it's fitted with a system

piping a synthesised version

of the exhaust note
through the stereo.

That's kind of cheating, isn't it?

Thanks to additions like the
seven-speed double-clutch gearbox,

this new M5 now weighs
90 kilograms more than the old one.

At first glance, then,
it seems like the M5's

rock 'n' roll days are over.

Oh, dear.

I seem to have accidentally pulled up
alongside the old M5,

for what looks
like the makings of a drag race.

Yeah, there's a man in a white coat
and everything.

Three, two, one, go!

Yeah, this is probably a good time
to tell you more about that V8.

It's got two turbos
which gives it 552 brake horsepower,

52 more than the V10,

and more torque.

A lot more torque.

And it's quick!

Ya-hah-ha!

Had you worried for a moment, then!

More firepower in the engine bay

is just the first piece of good news.

In the old M5,
you got a techno-overload

of 11 gearshift settings.

In the new one,
it's a more sensible three.

And, with that new
twin-clutch gearbox,

the shifts are so fast,
the gap between them

can't even be measured.
That's good,

But it's not as good as the way
this car simply devours corners.

Unlike Porsche, with their new 911,
BMW has not gone for electric

steering, but instead stuck
with old-fashioned hydraulics.

And it's so much better for it.
There's much more of that feedback.

It actually lets you know which way
the front wheels are pointing.

With these settings in full track
mode, you can smoke all day long.

And, when you've had enough of that,

at the touch of a button, it becomes
a completely different car.

The old one was always a bit,
you know, "Grr-argh",

always straining at the leash.

But this one,
it can be a proper lunatic M5.

Or a soothing companion when you
just want to drive along the M5.

See, the motorway? The M...

It's also more economical.

It has a bigger fuel tank
so it can go harder for longer,

and then there's the ride.

It's really, really good,
comfortable.

There's no stupid
rock-hard run flat tyres.

It feels better than
a normal five series.

The new M5, then, is not only better
than the old one,

I'd say that, as an all-rounder,

it's actually the best car
in the world right now.

And, in some ways,
it reminds me of this...

The BMW M1.

In 1984, BMW actually took
the engine out of that

and put it in a five series

and the original M5 was born.

The point is the M1
was the first supercar

that could also be civilised
in the real world.

And that's what they've done here.

Meet the new boss,
same as the old, old boss.

I see what you did there.
It's a heck of a thing!

I have to say, that car... I drove it
the other day... is epic.

It is amazing. Phenomenal car.
You like the M5, as well,
don't you? Yep.

The only problem with it
is that in the past,

an M5 was worth it because it was

so much better than an ordinary five
series but the normal five

series now is so good, it's hard
to justify spending the extra.

Well, you're quite right.
Have you driven the 530 diesel?

It's stupendously good.

And it's £30,000 less than an M5
and it's an almost
completely perfect car.

Did you know that in the diesel,
if you're careful,

you can go almost 1,000 miles
on one tank full of fuel.

That's all you want. 1,000 miles.
God! How old are you two?

Well, I haven't spent
the last 10 years being 38,
unlike some people I know.

I like 38. It's a nice age.
I'm going to do it again this year.

Hammond, we don't have time
to cut you in half

to see how old you are
cos we've got a very busy show.

We also don't have time, I'm afraid,
to show you The Stig going

round in the M5 but we can tell you
he did it in a 1.29.2.

Pouring with rain, meaningless time.

So what we'll do is move on,
swiftly, and do the news.

Yes. And we begin with this.

If you drive a car without
a windscreen at 50 miles an hour,

your face looks like this.

We established this
very clearly, last week.

Now, if you take the speed up to 80,
your face becomes this.

So can you begin to imagine
what your face would look like

if you were to drive one of these?

Inside out, I should imagine.

This is the 217mph concept at the
moment... Lamborghini Aventador J.

Has no windscreen, has no roof,
and I can only imagine, Hammond,

that if you were to drive that,
your face would end up like that.

I don't know
why you're laughing, James,

because I've done research. Have
you? Your face'd look like this.

Let's move on.

The government is holding
a big summit to try

and find out how to prevent sat navs
accidentally steering people into
fields and canals and railways.

Yeah, always reading about them.
Heard this discussed on the news
and one bloke had

contacted them to say, "I was using
my sat nav, driving along in my car,

"concentrating, when I drove down
a ramp, past a lifeboat
into the sea."

Well, clearly,
you weren't concentrating

because you drove into the sea.

The government summit
just needs to say,

"If you allow your sat nav
to steer you into a field,
or the sea, or a nun,

"it's your fault because
you're a blithering idiot."

Yes. You're so right. It cannot be
the sat nav's fault. It isn't.

A friend of mine
lives in Knightsbridge,
in the middle of London,

wanted to go and see Chelsea
play at Stamford Bridge,

put Stamford Bridge into the sat nav

and only realised
something was wrong while
going past Peterborough on the A1,

on the way to the TOWN
of Stamford Bridge, rather
than the big football ground.

How daft d'you to be to do that?
It's only a mile down the road.

How thick do you have to be
to believe what the digital

pretend woman on the dashboard says
over what you can actually see
out of the window?

I mean, the sea, for example,
it's big, it's blue, the top of it

wobbles around and isn't suitable
for motor vehicles.
Don't drive into it.

Now, pay attention, everybody.
Are you Mario Balotelli
or Wayne Rooney?

Or that ginger one... Paul Scholes.

Does your downstairs lavatory
look like this?

Nice.

Anyway, if your downstairs loo
looks like this and you're
a premiership footballer...

good news, because Bentley
has made a new 4x4.

Here it is.

Oww!

It is just a concept at the moment
and it is hideous and disgusting!
Look at it.

Did he step away from his design
and go, "Yes, that's exactly
what I wanted"?

He must, at some point, said,
"Yeah, that's my days work done.
I'm going home."

Does anybody here like that?

What? Yes? Seriously?

That's because you're sitting behind
the television and you can't see it.

You see, it's not there.
It's here. Look. Seriously?

Yeah, I like that. Do you have,
in your house, those pillars either

side of the front door like a
clang-clang-clang when you hit it?
No, but I'd like them.

Have you got two fake stone lions
on either side of the gates?
No, I'd like them as well.

This is My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding
being played out

right here, right now.
What's going on? And there's the car.

The only way is Cheshire.
There you go.

Moving it along, a couple of weeks
ago, there was a report

that said the flashing blue lights
on police cars were too bright

and causing accidents because they
disorientated motorists.
That's as may be.

I have more of a beef
with police car sirens.

Too loud. Eh? Massively too loud.

I think I live in a police
siren testing area.

Four o'clock every morning,
"Sarge, can I borrow the Astra

"and make sure the siren works?"
"Go to Holland Park.

"Bring the Fire Brigade, ambulance."

Are you two seriously suggesting
that emergency sirens are too loud?

They are. Yes. Definitely.
They have to be loud

because they warn people
to get out of the way.
They need to hear it.

The people in front, but you don't
need to know three miles away.

You don't. For people in front,
it would be OK

if they'd just had a little bell
that went ding-aling...

What's the point of waking me up
in the middle...?

I can't move my house
out of the ambulance's way.

They're not using the siren... They
don't care about you at that time.

They care about people in the way in
a traffic jam. "Get out of the way!
Wake up James May, doesn't matter."

I'm becoming increasingly fed up
of the way you drive up to London,

from your house in Wales,
tell us how to live
and then drive back again.

We have to live there. Well, I don't
live there, but stay there,

and it's noisy and it's stupid.
We don't come down and tell you lot
to stop hanging witches.

I've just been passed this. At the
back, everybody, can you hear this?

Yes.

Clear as, quite literally, a bell.

That's for starting playtime,
not sounding an emergency!

He can hear it!
I'm in a burning building...

I bet in Ross on Wye they do use it.

I bet they have a cowbell and go,
"Dang-dan, Hammond's barn's on fire.

"Send a child down the well.
Dan-dang."

You get on with your thing.
Stop complaining others
are in the city with you.

Ooh, now, next weekend,
Formula 1 returns

and the big news is that
one of the old guard is back.

But, before that he's here. Ladies
and gentlemen, Kimi Raikkonen!

Mate, have a seat.

So, there we go.

Back in Formula 1.

How does it feel?
How does it feel to be back?

Very normal. I mean, the cars
are same. The people are the same.

Same story.

I just want to clear up,
you're racing for...

because I'm a bit lost with Lotus...
you're racing for Lotus Renault?

Er, yeah.

That's what it says on there.

Yeah, Lotus Renault
but there's another Lotus.

You've got Lotus
that make cars in Turnipshire

but that's got nothing
to do with this.

No, I think the Lotus
is just the sponsor.

So, is it a Renault?

No, it's...

You don't know
who you're racing for, do you?

It's Renault factory built, so...
And you're sponsored by an
anti-dandruff product.

Is that good? Seems to be working.

Maybe you should try.

Could be worse, could be Anusol.

Now, I have to say, I sincerely hope
your return is successful.

Really, genuinely, I do,

because I love it when you're
in the post-race press conference

and they ask those big, long,
convoluted questions,

"So, in the third corner you came up
the outside, then you jinked left,

"then right and then you went
on the inside, what happened?"
And you just go, "That."

Yeah. I mean, you can make it
very complicated to answer

but then you can also be straight

and tell the true story,
so usually it's much more easier.

Is it a Finnish thing
to be economical with words?

I think there are
a lot of different people
in Finland, like they can tell

the long way or the short way,
but for me it's easier
to say the short way.

I've got some of
my favourite ones, actually.
There was the famous one

when Michael Schumacher
got his lifetime achievement thing
in Brazil, from Pele,

and Martin Brundle said,
"Did you see the ceremony?"
You said no because...

I was busy.

"Taking a dump," is what you said.

I mean, I told the truth,
a true story, so...

I fell off my chair laughing!

I like this one. "The helmet has
a special meaning for many drivers.

"How important is it to you?"
You said, "It protects my head."

I quite like...
someone asked you, "What do you
think of the Abu Dhabi circuit?"

Um...

You said, "The first few turns are
good, but the rest of it is BLEEP."

It's true the last part is not
very good. It's very twisty.

It's catastrophically boring
to watch cars race round there,
from our point of view.

I think it's many other circuits
also. It's not just that.

No, there are a lot. You start
in Australia, don't you? Yeah.

And that's next weekend. Yes.
How will you get on? Good?

We hope. I mean, I don't know,
nobody knows where everybody is.

It's a bit complicated to say from
testing, but we will see one week

and, hopefully...
I think our car's not too bad.

The car is not too bad?

Yeah. Have you been hard at work
training to come back?

Um, a little bit more time
than normal, but it should be OK.

Have you given up drinking? No.

Actually,
did you meet The Stig today? Yeah.

Do you realise you're his hero?
Yeah? Did he say?

He didn't speak a lot. I think
his work would be perfect for me.

No need to speak,
just drive around in different cars.
You didn't speak to each other?

A little bit.
He did speak to me.

He said, "I've always really
liked Kimi Raikkonen,"

and he met you once before.
Oh, yeah?

Well, he wasn't drinking in a bar,
but he was in Monaco

standing in a bar and then somebody
collapsed, drunk, on his feet.

Yeah? It was me. Yeah.

He looked down and went,
"Oh, it's my hero."

Hopefully, he'll help me, then, huh?

I've always wanted to check this
out. Before your very first race,

your very first race, is it true
you were found in your motor home

30 minutes before the race
fast asleep?

Er, not in the motorhome.

It was in Australia
so we had just small boxes there.

But you were asleep? Yeah, under
the table. I found a nice place.

It's normal.
I always sleep before the race.

Usually there is a little bit
of time to relax. Really?

Yeah. I like sleeping.

Was it before the Ferrari race
that you entered a snowmobile race
in Finland?

Yeah, I think it was 2007.
I've been a few times in the race.

Do Ferrari let you do snowmobile
racing? I didn't really ask,
but I guess...

You have a very strict contract,
but as long as you don't get hurt
too badly.

Talking of which, show me your arm.

No, undo your shirt. It's OK.
This is...

What's that? It's a scar.
What from?

Um... Some snowmobile, I think.

And that was recent?

Yeah, it was before Christmas
I hurt it a little bit

but I had a good doctor to fix it.
Let's have a look.

That is big. Did you break it?

A little bit. A little bit broken?

Anyway, obviously, you came
down here to try it. Yeah.

I have to say the Suzuki Liana,
the Formula 1 car,

the old reasonably priced car,
how was it?

It was better than I expected, so...

I mean, it wasn't too bad.

It was quite wet so it was slippery
and I got a bit sideways a few times
but it was good fun.

Who'd like to see Kimi out there
having fun in our Liana?

- Yeah!
- Let's have a look. Here we go.

Yep, that has begun. There was
a nice helicopter on our left.

Well, I think you've covered
everything there.

There you go. That's the line we
like to see from Formula 1 drivers,

very wide.

Oh, that's just
perfectly judged.

Maybe it was luck.

Oops.

You see?

You don't need any more than "oops",
although it is a surprise

to see a Formula 1 driver
cocking up a gear change.

Actually, you don't have to
change gear in Formula 1.

It's much easier. It is.

It's not a bad car
to drive in, then.

You should be a road tester on Top
Gear. "And now back to the studio."

We don't need to say
any more than that.

Hammond rabbiting on earlier
about the M5. What's the point?

Here we go, second-to-last corner.

Unlike most of the guests, you held
it on the track, round Gambon

and there we are, everyone,
across the line.

Ho-ho!

Now, these are the peeps from
Formula 1 who have tried it before.

Sebastien, your badminton partner,
I understand.

Yeah, at least I can beat him
in badminton. Can you beat him
in badminton? Yeah, every time.

It's good to know someone can
beat him at something. Yeah.

Our fastest wet lap is Lewis,
1.44.7.

It's actually only
mildly moist. OK.

Proper wet,
it's probably Jenson Button.

No, it was Webber,
I've just been told.

I hope I will be in top 10.
Top 10? Yeah.

Somewhere there.
You're going to make it.

That's my prediction.
I've got the time here.

Kimi Raikkonen, you did it in...

What was Webber?
The only really wet one? 1.47.1.

You did it in...

One...

40...

Six, one.

Oh, I haven't put the W on.
I've got to put the W on.

It looks better now. It does,
we'll remember that.

Well, Kimi,
huge pleasure to have you here.

Huge pleasure to have you
back in Formula 1.

Very, very best of luck
with the season.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Kimi Raikkonen!

Now, you may remember that a while
back, Chris Evans out of Radio 2

spent five and a half million
of his pounds

on a very rare
Ferrari 250GT California Spyder,

One of only 56 ever made.

When I was a boy,
this was always my favourite
of the classic Ferraris.

I've always wanted to drive one.

This is Chris's garage,

a place where his mostly white
collection of Ferraris,

including an F40,
a Dino and a 288GTO,

is pampered and entertained.

Why did you choose white?
It's a big decision
once you've chosen white...

They were all going to be
different colours

but we couldn't figure
which colour to paint the Dino.

So we said,
"Let's paint the Dino white."

The Dino was the first finished,
it looked so good in white, we said,

"What the hey!
Let's do them all white."

'When I'd listened politely
for a well-mannered amount
of time...'

It's got the nod to the GTO. Mm.
250 short wheelbase.

'..I got to the real reason
for my visit.'

Where's the California?

It's over there. Can we see it?

I must take my shoes off
to go through? Absolutely.

Come on. Sort it out.

I've never, ever been asked to take
my shoes off in a garage before.

Oh, look at that!

Oh, man!

May I? Yeah, course.

Oh! Ho-ho ho!

Wow!

Can I have a go?

What do you mean?

Huh? What do you mean?

Can I... can I drive it?

What, out of here? Yeah.

It is me. If it was Pinky or Perky,

I could understand your reticence,
but I'm a...

Can't I? Chris, I've waited
all my life just to stand next
to one of these.

I know it was expensive. Oh, God.

But I won't ever get another chance.

Take it out, be careful...
Of course.

Avoid standing water. I do this
in my Fiat Panda. Yeah, I'm sure.

You know, just be careful with it.

Of course I'll be careful.
All right. Thank you. Yeah.

I appreciate it.

Before I set out, Chris insisted we
put the roof up, in case it rained.

That doesn't really work, does it?

Well, that doesn't work at all.
Oh, no! How much was it? Oh, God!

With the roof abandoned, I set off
in one of the world's rarest cars,

already starting to wish
that Chris had said no.

Right, there is a car coming.

It's a long way off, but this
could cut out, you never know.

It's an old car,
so let's just hold back.

Go, go, go!

Right, I'm on real roads,
with real cars.

Those people might be
trying to send a text.

Those people over there
may have been drinking.

This is a fantastic moment

in my driving life,
but it is rather being spoiled

by the thought of £5.6 million.

It's a bit like being given
an original Rembrandt

and then being told to take it
down the pub on Friday night.

Now, I can't honestly say
I'm enjoying it.

Don't reverse.

Get off the phone.

Oh, God! Not here.

Oh, don't say you want
to go backwards.

Steady, steady.

Thank you.

I think I'm going to get away.

Yes, freedom!

'And then things got
slightly worse.'

Be careful of the car,
it's very valuable. Mind the car.

Stay away from the car.

'Those pesky kids
were the last straw,

'so I went and hid,
in Windsor Park.'

And... relax!

Right, the Ferrari
250 GT California,

what is all the fuss about?

Well, besides the fact that
it's rare, the California has always

been one of the most
desirable Ferraris, built to allow

wealthy West Coast Americans
to soak up their sunshine.

This car, for example, belonged
to the film star James Coburn,

who kept it for 23 years.

Coburn was one of Hollywood's
petrol-head elite,

along with Steve McQueen.
In fact, it was Steve McQueen

who persuaded Coburn to buy it
from a Belgian dealership

while they were filming
The Great Escape together.

The other reason this car
is part of automotive royalty

is quite simply
because of its astonishing beauty.

It was built by Ferrari's
favourite metalworker,

Sergio Scalietti, who never
really bothered with drawings,

but beat out the panels
using an artist's eye
and a craftsman's hand.

That's why it's said

that no two Californias
are exactly alike.

But putting all the romance and
history to one side for a moment,

what's this car like to drive?

It's fantastic!

Yes, it is! Come on!

You can tell it's an old Ferrari.
The steering wheel is enormous.

The driving position is ridiculous.

The pedals are actually
over near that tree somewhere,

but it's lovely.
It's so special.

I can actually feel the wood
on the steering wheel

flexing slightly
as we go over bumps.

Its 3-litre V12
produces just 280 horsepower,

and 0-60 takes around 8 seconds.

Slow by modern Ferrari standards,
but that's not the point.

Cars like this, the performance
is not about the figures.

It's about the nature
of the delivery.

You get it above about 3,500 rpm...

I'll drop it down
so you can see what I mean.

California!

I don't want to get emotional,

but this is the realisation
of a childhood dream.

When I was seven or eight years old,

I looked at pictures
of this car and I thought, "I wonder

"if I will ever drive a Ferrari 250
GT California," and here I am.

It's absolutely magical.

I've met my hero,
and I'm not disappointed.

Really, it was time
to give Chris's car back.

But since he works
on a breakfast show,

I reckoned he'd be in bed early

and he wouldn't miss it
for a bit longer.

It's close, I agree it's close,
but I still think it's that.

I still can't believe
he let you drive that car.

Well, why not? Because as we learned
from Monopoly, you are a liar

and a cheat.

You brought the bank down.
Yes, you are Sir Fred May.

You should be made to hand back
that honorary doctorate.

Now we know more about...
Hammond, we don't have time

for any more arguing about Monopoly

because I need a Slash, and luckily,
we've got one. He's over there!

Look who's here.
How are you?

I'm OK.

Look at that!

Really here!

Have a seat. Have a seat.

Now, I think a lot of people
would be surprised

to discover that you grew up
in Stoke-on-Trent.

Yeah. I was born in Hampstead,

London, but lived in Stoke.

Stoke gets a bad rap,
but it's a great place.

I went back there and played there,

did my first concert there,
just last year.

This is with the new solo stuff?
Yeah, it was great. We had a blast.

So you were in Los Angeles
by the age of...

Six. Oh, so it was
a very short time in Stoke?

Yeah. I am fascinated by one thing.
Your mum is an African-American.

Uh-huh. She designs costumes
for the likes of... or did design...

Joni Mitchell and David Bowie, yeah?

Your dad did album covers

for Neil Young, among others.
Uh-huh.

Paint a picture,
with these parents like they were,

of what it was like growing up
in Los Angeles?

Basically, both my parents were
hippies, both involved in music.

Everybody was an artist.

It was just a very Bohemian,
very artistic, creative environment.

In that neighbourhood,
there was Frank Zappa, Jim Morrison

and the Eagles,
before they formed with Glenn Frey.

We had to watch Top Of The Pops,
and you had them around
your breakfast table.

That's deeply irritating to me.

Can I just ask,

did your mother do your outfits,
since she's a costume designer?

Well, she did actually make me
one of the coolest pairs of leather
pants I ever had.

Why do you always wear
leather trousers?

I've always just thought that they
were cool-looking and, you know,

you can get away
with not washing them

for long periods of time!

And the hat? What gave you the idea
to wear Brunel's hat?

The hat came from when I was
in the early days of Guns N' Roses.

I was walking around Melrose Avenue

in Los Angeles,
looking for some clothes

because we had a show that night.
I don't have any money,

so I'm just wandering around
looking in windows and stuff,

and for some reason,
I saw this in the window.

So I went in there and looked at it
and tried it on

and it felt really cool, so I walked
out of the store with it.

I figured I'd just say
I forgot to pay for it or something.

You stole the hat? Yeah.

Then I went next door and
stole a concho belt and cut it up
and put it around the top.

You do know this show is shown
in America? It's OK.

It was long enough ago
that the statute's up by now.

So you're going to get away
with the stolen hat.

There's some gossip we didn't know.

Slash wears stolen clothing.
And you've got
a new solo album out? Yeah.

Is that it? Yeah, this is the
classic rock version of it.

It comes with this thing
which is a fan pack

and it's a magazine filled with
all kinds of stuff about myself
and the band.

And that's the actual CD. And that's
called Apocalyptic Love? Right.

It's a title of one of the songs,
and it's basically
a tongue-in-cheek thing

about sexual relations
on the eve of the Apocalypse.

Well, you'd like to get
one in before you...

Er, now, obviously
you had a hard life

in Guns N' Roses, I would imagine.
It was pretty edgy, yeah.

But these days,

am I right in thinking you're
completely clean and completely off
everything? For today, yeah.

Have you still got
the snake collection?

I have one snake now.
I used to have a vast collection,

upwards of 90 snakes

at any given time
for a long while there.

And then just before London,

my oldest son was born, because
they were all big constrictors

upwards of ten foot,
I just had really cold feet

that we should probably get rid
of all these snakes.
We're having a boy...

Where's the baby? Yeah.
Which one of you...?

That can happen.

Now, I'm sorry for taking up
so much time talking about
your rock 'n' roll lifestyle,

because I like that. But I know
you're here to talk about cars

because you like them,
you'll all be relieved to hear.

So what was your first car?

My first car that I paid for with my
own money was a Honda CRX. No way!

I had a Honda CRX. Yeah.

It was fantastic. It was
a cool-looking little car,

but eventually I gave it
to my brother,

and then I got a 1966 427
Corvette coupe.

The classic Corvette? Yeah, yeah.

That's a bit of a leap
from a Honda CRX to a Corvette.

It's a great car. I did a couple of
360s on Sunset with that car

because it was so powerful.

I didn't know what I was doing
when I first bought it.

What have you got now?

I have an Aston Martin.
That's my favourite car.

Really? Ever since I was
a little kid, James Bond...

But I could never afford one.
You look so similar! Right.

When I got sober, my reward to
myself was to buy an Aston Martin.

Which one did you get? I got
a Vanquish last year that they had.
Rotten gearbox, though. Yeah,

but it was a cool car for a while.
I got a lot of tickets in that car.

Then I traded that for the DBS,
which I had for a while.
But then I saw

the V12 Vantage and thought,
"I got to have one of those",

so I traded the DBS.
So you traded a DBS

for a V12, and which do you think
is better?

I have more fun in the V12 Vantage.

Really? The Vantage
is just a little bit smaller
and because that engine's so big,

it just makes it
that much scarier a car.

So, your lap... how was it out there?

It was actually pretty tricky
when I first got out.

I mean, the way your track's
laid out,
it's like it's not really there.

It's sort of made up.

Are you sure you're sober? No,
I mean it's... It's the grey bit.

Green, grey. I know, but it's got
all kinds of turns and stuff

that are sort of pencilled in.

Who would like to see Slash's lap?

I would. Yeah!
Here it is.

I was petrified.
Let's have a look.

Look at that Kia go!

Goddammit! BLEEP.

You could just say "oops".

We know that from Kimi. Ooh, I say!

Now, that's stately. Silent.

The wild man of rock.

All right, brake on this one.

Braking for Chicago and driving
round the corner in a brown car.

Right, let's not BLEEP this up.

Now, sometimes when a car looks
slow, it can be fast,

but I've got a sneaking suspicion

that this looks slow
because it sort of is.

Pretty slow.

This guy's got a lot of balls.

I think you're referring to our
cameraman who just stands there.

He does, yeah.
I know, he does it everywhere.

Somebody'll get him one day.

Right, how are we doing there?

Oop! Yeah, braking. This is the
hardest part of the track.

Very hard, but at that speed,
it's not as hard as you might think.

When I did it faster,

I ended up all the way on the grass.

This is the board. Bearing in mind
it's raining out, so it's wet,
mostly the wets are down here.

Where do you think?
I don't know.

You tell me. Oh, I'm going to.

I'm not guessing.
You're leaning forward.

It's always a sign.
It's been an interesting day.

I'm dying to see
what the result of all that was.

Mr Slash,

you did it

in... one...

49.8.

It's along with will.i.am
and Peta 23 from Essex,
who you probably don't know.

But I was faster than
Angelina Jolie, so that's good.

That's not actually Angelina Jolie.

Is that Alice Cooper down there?

Yeah,
you're faster than Alice Cooper.

He is the only real rock
guy on there.

It's that rock 'n' roll thing.
Perhaps it's all blurry.

Who knows? Anyway,

ladies and gentlemen, it has been an
enormous pleasure to have you here.
Thank you so much for coming. Slash!

Thank you very much.

Was that you driving that car?
Might have been. Oh, come on.

It looked like it. Now, moving on,

and we move on, surprisingly,
to golf.

It is very popular. There are 4
million golfers in the UK alone.

Yeah, that is almost 8%
of the adult population

and we can't really understand this
because, as far as we can make out,

golf is extremely boring.

It is also ruinously expensive.
A decent set of bats

is going to set you back £1,000.
We rang a golf club

in High Wycombe the other day,

not Wentworth, and annual membership
there is £1,000.

It's two grand before
you even start. Then you have

the stupid jumpers and shoes, and the
Rupert the Bear trousers. It adds up.

Then there's the cost
of joining the Freemasons.

Exactly. So we were wondering,
could you do motor racing for less?

We tend to think of motor racing
as catastrophically expensive,
but is that necessarily the case?

We decided to find out.
We each bought a set of wheels,

converted them into racers
as cheaply as possible

and met up at the Lydden Hill
race track in Kent.

Race day dawned,
and Richard and I were there

good and early with the cars
we bought.

This is a 150mph BMW 328I,

for which I paid £795. Nice.

It looks good. And you paid what
for this? This is a Citroen Saxo VTS
1.6, for which I paid

£550, and it's a nice one.
It is a nice one.

That is in really good nick.
It's a hot little car.

'Then James arrived
in a Toyota MR2.'

That is a surprise.

That is an unexpected car.
I thought he'd been lost on the A35.

Morning. May! How much was that?

£450.

Seriously? 450 quid? Yep.

So we've got mid-engined,
rear drive,

front-engined, front drive,
rear drive, front engine.

That's a 328. I know.
But have you seen this?

It's brilliant, this. I have to say
it, and I wouldn't normally say it,
obviously,

but your cars look terrific.
Hammond?

Yes. Blood type? Yes. "Red".

Well, it is. It's red. I've checked.

Stuck a pin in it. B?

B-. I don't know what I am.

That's an exam result!
I just made it up.

It's what I'm used to seeing on
forms. I wasn't sure,

so I put AB+. That way I'll get the
lot, so one of them will be right.

As you can see, obviously,
I've put stickers on mine.

Yeah, where did... Well, it's the BBC
and you have to have stickers

on a racing car. "Fragile roof"?
I know, but the BBC
doesn't allow brand names,

so I put health and safety notices
on it, as that's what the BBC likes.

We should explain at this point
that there are certain safety
requirements you have to fulfil

before you go motor racing.

You have to put a roll cage,

proper seat, harness,

electrical cut-off fire
extinguisher, and the total cost

of doing that on mine was around
£1,000.

Yours was a bit less. A bit less
cos there's less roll cage in it
so it brings it up to 1,400 quid

for the lot. And yours is? 1,430.
So, 1,400,

1,400, 1,800 all in.

So, for the price of a bag
full of golf bats,

we were ready to go motor racing,

and the motor racing we'd selected
was rallycross.

The beauty of this
is that half the track is tarmac

and half is gravel and mud.

Oh, my good... Oh,
gosh, I don't know what's happened!

So, you get to do high-speed
circuit driving

and slidey rally stuff
all in the same race.

Do you know,
I used to love rallycross.

Yeah. Grandstand, World Of Sport,
you had Dickie Davies and he'd go,

"This afternoon, we've got
fly-fishing, athletics and golf."
You'd go, "Oh, no."

Then, "And rallycross." Yeah.
And you had those tiny televisions,

the black-and-white screen
you were watching on. You
might have done in Birmingham.

Look at that! I know. But then he's
got some actual track to do it on.

Or he could be standing with
a Pringle jumper on,

going like this...
Waiting for the man in front.

Yes. Do you know the best thing
about this?

It's really simple.

When we got
to the driver's briefing, however,

I realised I'd spoken too soon.
OK, there's 18 of you,

so when you do your heats, if you
finish first, you get one point.
We've got three sets of races,

so there'll be three people with one
point, three people with two points,

three people with three points.
If you come seventh twice,

that gets 14 but you only end up
seventh. You get seven points.
Why does it say 1 + 2 = 2?

Well, you only pick the best one.

If we were doing three,

we'd pick the best two. Three what?
Three of your points from the heats.

Eh? Happily, Captain Maths
was on hand to explain

that, in short, we'd all take part
in two heats and at least one final.

And, with that sorted,
we got to know the other drivers.

I notice from the entry sheet
you're all called Gary.

I'm not!

Do you mind if I call you Gary,
just to keep everything clear? No,
that's fine. Just keep it simple.

OK, but who is called Gary?
You're Gary, you're Gary
and you're both in my class?

You are racing in Gary class...
so you are Gary Clarkson.

I, meanwhile, was in the
modified two-litre class

and our heat was first.

I've got to do three laps.
That's all. Three laps
and try not to mess it up.

Oh, look, we're getting lined up.
This is the grid. This is it!

Go!

Oh, we're off.

He is overtaking!
Oh, my God, he's about second!

He's not... He's third. Third!

This is good. This is good.

Now I'll have him!

Come on, come on!
Ohh, this is exciting!

Oh, he's gone to second!
He's overtaken... No, he hasn't.

But this is genuinely exciting racing
with James May in it!

And remember,
this costs less than golf.

This bloke's all over my chuff!

Right, watch this!

Oh, no! No, I've got it back.

No... Oh, he's lost it.

I've broken something. Sod it!

We... must... not... laugh... No.

When he gets back.

How bad is it? I suppose it's just
at the wings on the wheel.
Has the suspension collapsed?

Every time I braked, it veered off.
Do you know that, momentarily, you
were in second place? I know.

It was extremely exciting.

Next up in the stock hatch class was
Professor Richard Hammond,

who was still trying to get
to grips with the scoring system.

Six plus one equals one,
because that's the result
they carry forwards...

which means I could end up
in final C, which... C comes before A.

I'm just going to drive around
as fast as I can.

Oh, he's going to...
Not bad, not bad!

It's a blinding start from Hammond!

I love the rough stuff!

The agile front-drive Citroen was
brilliant in the mud.

Yeah, ha-ha!

But I could have done with a bit more
power on the tarmac.

I haven't quite got the legs on
this one up to the top. Might have...

I braked myself into that quite hard.

He might have done it... No,
he won't do it, unless he can get
a lot of speed down the hill.

Oh, this is an epic battle
for third place.

Oh-ho!

Oh, wait, he's through. He's done
a move. He's overtaken somebody!

Oh, this is exciting.
It's too exciting even to speak!

Oh-oh, that was a punt!

Could be playing golf, remember.
Could be playing golf.

He's not going to come third.
That would be impossible.

Come on. Come on!

Yeah, ha!
Third place, that'll do me. Come on!

Has anybody ever left a golf course
feeling this high?

Woo-hoo!

High-five! Hammond, that was
absolutely rostrum or hospital.
I loved it.

So, third? That's exciting,
yeah. It's great!

It was now my turn
and I was a bit nervous

because the big engine in my BM

meant I was in the
top super-modified class,

where three of the Garys were
former champions.

Ha-ha! Loneliest man in the world!
Get in there and be alone.

Maybe I should go and play golf.
No. No, because we need to see
what golf is like in comparison.

No, we need to prove our point,
which means you have to
drive that against these people.

Crack on, Clarkson. Go on. Kindly,
James spent a few moments asking
the other drivers to be nice to me.

Don't be nice to him, OK. I'm not
going to be. Just muller him.

Top man.

And then it was time for action.

Five seconds...

Oh, they're good.

Unbelievably, though, I started to
make up places.

Ooh, he's third, he's third!

He's going to be third if he
can out-drag that one, and he is!

Come on, Gary!

Gary, I'm going to get you!

I've got Gary up my chuff here
and I'm trying to take Gary
on the inside.

Then the super-modified Garys
put me in my place.

Ohh! Heavens, that was a big shunt.

I may be off the track
slightly here.

Spurred on by the support of my
colleagues, I chased after the pack.

Right, come on, Jeremy, concentrate.
Let's go get 'em!

But before I could catch up,
the race was over.

That was brilliant, and I was last!

Some of you will probably be
thinking, "I'd like to do that,
but what about safety?"

Well, the number of people killed
last year in rallycross was nought.

The number of people
killed on the golf course was...

Well, nobody knows,
but it's many, many people.

God, that was good fun!

And the fun continued for the
rest of the afternoon.

Loads of short, hard, fast action.

And the racing was epic!

Oh, look at that manoeuvre by the
Mini! That's Gary the girl.

Gary the girl going
round the outside.

Ooh, Gary's off the track. Come on,
this is good.

Oh, it's absolutely wheel-to-wheel
stuff. Spectacular racing.

Gary the girl! I've never
seen a race where two people are
side by side all the time.

Yeah!

In his second race,
Richard got another third,

despite a bit of a moment...

whereas, in HIS next heat,
Jeremy improved massively.

I'm not last! I'm not last!

I'm second to last.

Then it was my turn, and they put
my hastily repaired car on pole.

I'm ready.

What a start.
He's into the lead!

James May is... there's no other
word for it... winning!

Oh, he's gone off, look.

Right, now I've got
some racing to do.

Cock!

Three completely blind laps later,
I finished last, again,

with yet another wound on my MR2.

Oh, yeah! Oh, mate!

With the points from the heats all
added up, we learned that Richard,

with his two third places,
had qualified for the B-class final,

whereas, James and I were in
the final for losers.

That means you and I get to
race each other, then. Yeah, I know.
Yeah, but it's...

If you stop and think
about the scoring system here,

it's clever because it means
you will always end up in a final,

irrespective of how rubbish you are.

The final for losers went well.

James got up to third
and stayed there.

That was terrific! Did you see that?
Did you see me all over him?

And as for the orang-utan...

Jeremy, you're winning! You're
actually winning something!

Miracles have happened here,
ladies and gentlemen, today.
I have actually won a thing!

The victory gave me
a chance to wear my winning face.

And there was another bonus as well.

What are you doing here? Because I
won the spanner final,
I'm allowed to go into this final.

This is my final. I don't understand.

We established in practice you're
fast around here because you're used
to driving on wet leaves and mud.

Because I live in Wales. Exactly.

Right now I could be, I don't know,
chatting to my caddy,

adjusting the tassels on my loafers,

instead of which, I'm sitting here
at the wheel of my race car,
waiting to start.

This is just so much better.

What if I spoil Hammond's race
in some way?
I mean, I mustn't and I won't.

I'm going to stay at the back,
not get in anyone's way.

I shouldn't be here.

Right, five seconds...

That was a good start for me. That
puts me right amongst the big boys.

Bad start. Really bad start.

Come on, Gary, out the way.

Whoa, he's got me on the grass!

God, this Fiesta is really
aggressive.

Oh, no, look who's there.
It's Richard Hammond, is what it is.

How did Jeremy make up
that many places in MY final?

I decided not to spoil
his big race...

then I decided I would.

Yeah, come on! Oh, yes!

Come on, Beemer! Come on now!

Oh, he's left me a gap.

No, I've gone wide!

Ooh, that was a biggie!

There was now just one lap left
to take Hammond.

Lot more traction here, sunshine.

Coming up the inside of you.

There you go.

Come on! Clarkson's right behind me.

Come on now!

BMW on my inside.
This is where he's got the power.

I'll get him on the outside.

Leave him all the room in the world.

I've been hit!

He actually turned his wheel there.
The camera will reveal that.

Come on, little Citroen.
Everything you have.

There's the chequered flag.

Second place.

And, amazingly,
third place for Jezza.

Woo-hoo, hoo-hoo!

How good was that?!

That was absolutely brilliant fun.

Two more different cars you can't
imagine pitting against one another
having a great race!

That was tremendous.

That was brilliant! Really.
I know. It was.

One of the best days of my life.
Really and truly, one of
the best days of my life.

We went to prove a point
and we did. My hair feels like
it's standing on end.

And you've got to ask the question,
"Why would you play golf
when you can do that?"

I'm not given to this sort of thing,
as you know, but it was brilliant,

and I even enjoyed watching that
last race with you two.

I'm sorry to keep banging on
about it,

but this whole racing car
costs less than this
plastic bag full of sticks.

But, on the money front, can I inject
a note of caution? If I were
to be racing my Saxo next weekend,

I would want to spend 100 quid
on some stiffer suspension.

It was quite bouncy. Very bouncy.

I'd want to do something about my
rear end, because it was tail-happy.

Yeah. And there will come a time when
the children say, "Mummy,
why aren't we having a holiday?"

"Well, Daddy spent all our money
on shock absorbers."

Yeah, it is going to add up,
but it doesn't matter
because, as we've just proved,

rallycross is brilliant.
I urge you, get a racing licence,
get some cheap wheels,

find the nearest place where you can
do it, get out there and do it.

And all the Garys
are really friendly.

Yes, they are, but the thing is,
the Garys are friendly,
but the Richards, they're not.

I'm sorry to bring this up. Eh?
No, on the last lap,

you tried to ram me off the track.
I did not!

Well, you did.
It was attempted murder.

It wasn't!

All right, look.
As we promised last week,

we'll have a steward's
enquiry about this.

We have on-board cameras.
Let's have a look. Fine. OK.

Coming up to where the
incident happened.
Let's listen to what he says.

Got to shut the door on him here.
I'm sorry. Argh!

You said, "Got to shut
the door on him. Ha-ha-ha-ha!" Yeah.

Well, I did say that. I did.
And you were wrenching the wheel
left. I did not do that!

Look at the steering wheel here.
Look, he's going round a
right-handed corner. Left!

Left again! Left again!

You did! Yeah, I did do that.
Yeah, I did.

So, who here thinks that
Richard Hammond is guilty?

Yes! Well...

Now, if this was Formula 1,
Hammond would be forced to take
a drive-through penalty

and that would spoil the race
for the spectators. Exactly.

So I think we can do it better.
Yeah. Sorry, mate.

Listen, it was racing. Honestly.
You little scallywag!
I'll get you next time.

And that, Mr Ecclestone, is how
you deal with disputes.

Done. Absolutely.

It was ruined, though. I don't care.
I could've come last.

And normally, of course,
that would be that,

but because it's the end of the
series, we've got a treat for you.
Oh, have we ever!

Because, to play us out, with his
version of Jessica, Slash is back!

Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru

I'll tell you what.

He's a lot better at that than he is
at driving. And he's quicker!