Original subtitles

*

(WHEEL CLICKS)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- (SNORTS)

- (BLUBBERS LIPS)

- (GASPS)

(KEYS CLACK)

(CLUNK!)

(SPLASH!)

(THUD!)

(KEYS CLACK)

- (GROANS)

(POP!)

I'm peeing in the water.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Gotta be faster than that!

- Ta-da!

(KEYS CLACK)

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(SPLASH!)

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- (EXHALES)

(CLUNK!)

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(DING!)

- Welcome, everybody!

We've made it to the sixth episode of Taskmaster.

My name is Jeremy Wells, and as far as you're all concerned, I am the Taskmaster.

Sitting before me today are five widely-beloved comedians

who have spent the last few months completing a series of tasks

to find out who is the most widely-beloved by me. (LAUGHTER)

We're just over halfway to finding out who will be crowned the champion of Taskmaster Season Two

and become the proud owner of my head in golden statue form.

Our contestants, as per usual, are David Correos,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Guy Montgomery,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Laura Daniel,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Matt Heath,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

and Urzila Carlson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And beside me is the 2014 TV Guide's sexiest man on television... (LAUGHTER)

...'s brother. (LAUGHTER)

My fearless admin fiend of an assistant, Paul Williams, ladies and gentlemen.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Thanks, Jeremy.

I was thinking recently that, obviously, there's a lot of fans out there,

so I thought I would start selling some merch.

So if anyone's keen, I've got, uh, this is a Taylor Swift T-shirt. (LAUGHTER)

This one's Jay-Z, and I've got a white Abba. So... (LAUGHTER)

I mean, just, I'll be around after the show if anyone's keen.

- Fantastic. Let's start with the most important meal of the day ― our prize task.

What can we expect tonight, Paul? - Our prize task this week, Jeremy,

is the two most different things.

- Hmm. (AUDIENCE 'OOH'S)

- Yes, each contestant has brought in the two things that they deem to be the most different.

The person with the most different things will get five points,

and whoever has the most points at the end of the episode will get to take home all 10 different things.

- I love me a bit of juxtaposition. Let's start with my pal Urzila Carlson.

- Yes. I have tofu and biltong.

- Tofu... (LAUGHTER) ...and biltong.

- One is amazing

and one is tofu. (LAUGHTER)

- OK. We've asked you to bring in two different things there, Urzila. - Yeah.

- And I don't want to nickel-and-dime you on this so early on in this particular episode,

but they are both foods.

- Listen, if we had a vegan here on this stage and I said to them,

'Just tuck in. It's basically the same,'

they'd go, 'Fuck no. It is not.' (LAUGHTER)

For those are twovastly different things.

- Are you vegan, Jeremy? - No.

- So is there any difference? - No. They're both disgusting. (LAUGHTER)

Guy, what did you bring in? - Uh, I brought in two things that are so different,

there's actually quite a popular idiom named after them.

I brought in chalk and cheese. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - Wow. Chalk and cheese.

So true. - So, one of them is chalk.

(LAUGHTER)

And the other one is cheese.

- Both edible! (LAUGHTER)

- I've eaten chalk. - Yeah.

- She's correct. - That's right.

- Because David eats something, it doesn't make it food. (LAUGHTER)

- I myself have eaten some chalk. - And because Urzila eats something, the same rule applies.

(LAUGHTER) - Matt?

- Well, Jeremy, a couple of years ago, I had the opportunity to visit a part of the country

and I borrowed something from that part of the country.

And then two weekends ago, I had an opportunity to go to the Bluff Oyster Shucking Festival

and I got an opportunity to borrow the other thing that referenced the thing,

and I think it's best if I just show them.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - LAURA: Wow.

- Two signs.

Two yellow signs with black font. (LAUGHTER)

- Very different because you read what's on them.

One is Cape Reinga, and the other one is Bluff.

So, they're in very different parts of the country. - Two New Zealand towns.

- Yeah. (LAUGHTER)

In my defence, and you see this a lot in the show, I didn't really read the task.

So I looked at it― - That's a great defence, Matt (!) (LAUGHTER)

- I looked at it once, and then in my head, instead of 'different', I read 'opposite'.

- Famously, the opposite of a yellow sign with black sans serif font on it

is another yellow sign with black sans serif font on it.

- Paul. - Yes. - What's the opposite of Bluff?

- Telling the truth. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- All right. Laura. - Kia ora. - What did you bring in?

- I brought in, uh, two very different things.

I brought in the Treaty of Waitangi,

and I also brought in the English translation of the Treaty of Waitangi.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Big shout out to our National Library for letting me borrow this. (LAUGHTER)

- Can I just raise an issue here? - Uh-huh.

- You know how I was accused of bringing in two... (LAUGHTER)

- URZILA: Yeah. - ...two signs?

Is it as different as chalk and cheese? Not helping out you, but...

- I mean, chemically, chalk and cheese is actually quite similar because it's a...

But, you know. - Because why?

- Because you can eat both. - URZILA: Yeah. (LAUGHTER)

- David, what did you bring in?

- I had a formula.

I started with an anchor item, and then I played word association ― three pages ―

until I got to cinder block

and custard. (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- If you play your cards right, we could have a new idiom on our hands here, David.

(LAUGHTER)

- How do you want to score this? - It's not easy

because some people didn't quite understand the task...

(LAUGHTER) completely.

But I'll go one point for Laura. - LAURA: What?!

- I'll go two points for Matt. I'll go three points for Urzila.

The thing is chalk and cheese to me and the cinder block and custard ―

I think you're right. I think that's a new idiom and I think that you've created it,

so you get five points, and you get four points, Guy.

- OK. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Thank you. Thank you.

- What's our first video-based task, Paul?

- This task rocks,

and it makes me want to cheer.

It involves a rocking chair. (LAUGHTER)

(CURIOUS MUSIC)

- DAVID: Ooh!

This looks fun.

- Ooh.

- Hello, Paul. - Hello, Guy.

(LAUGHTER)

- This looks like my mother's music group. I hated every one of those bitches.

- Does it matter how I approach the task? - Fully up to you.

- This show makes you incredibly wary of everything.

- Some kind of Salvador Dali painting or something, isn't it?

- What are all these for?

- Should I sit in this? - Fully up to you.

- The floor is lava.

- OK. 'Evacuate the items from the parachute...

- '...while sitting in the rocking chair.

- 'Once you sit down, your feet may not touch the parachute.

- 'Most items removed wins.

- 'You have 10 minutes. Your time starts now.'

- All right. I think I can do that.

- Ah.

Shit. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, Laura, Matt, and Guy, you guys all sat straight down in the rocking chair.

- Yes. - Is that right? - Correct.

- In hindsight, the thing to do is to, uh, not sit down so you can rearrange your chair andthe items.

Obviously, hindsight is 20/20 ―

20/20 the eyesight rating and not the year, which was universally panned.

(LAUGHTER)

- This is bad news. This challenge nearly killed me and it didn't need to.

- Are you only just clicking? (LAUGHTER)

- Who's evacuating things from a parachute first?

- These guys are absolute sitters. It's Laura Daniel and Guy Montgomery.

- The rocking, actually, which I previously so enjoyed for the novelty,

really works against you in this task.

(LAUGHTER)

- (GRUNTS, CHUCKLES)

(TENSE COMEDIC MUSIC)

- That doesn't count cos I was standing.

Dang.

- (GRUNTS)

Whoo!

- I'm going to be pissed off... (PANTS) when I watch the other people doing this,

and they've figured out a less physically exhausting way.

- (PANTS) Oh, this is an uphill climb now. (GRUNTS)

- Great day for it. - PANTS: Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

- Whoo-hoo!

(YELPS)

- Oh, you little fuck.

- (PANTS) (LAUGHTER)

(GLASS CLINKS)

- Sorry. Sorry to that...

table.

- Oh, no. That's a lot of items.

- COCKNEY ACCENT: All right, mate?

- What's his name? - NORMAL VOICE: Michael.

He's a bad guy.

He was in the Panama Papers.

(LAUGHTER) - Wow.

- (GRUNTS) God, I hope there wasn't an easier way.

(CLANG!)

(LAUGHTER) - You little fuck.

Ooh!

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS) (SIGHS) - That's a camera.

- PANTS: Yeah. - OK.

- Time.

- So, I'm imagining someone who read the task standing up

probably just relocated the chair and accumulated a bunch of shit around them, got it off that way.

- Who do you think that would be? - Literally anyone else, except probably David.

(LAUGHTER) - I'd say David and I probably had similar methodology.

- Am I missing something? - No? - What a weird task.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- JEREMY: Ooh. OK.

OK. Yeah, can you see what's happened there, Laura?

- I can see what you've done with camera trickery. (LAUGHTER)

- Is that camera trickery, Paul? - I'd say that's pretty standard, just, camera recording.

(LAUGHTER) - So, in total, all the objects on the parachute, including the chair,

there was 1163.

So Laura ― yeah, she missed three Lego pieces. So 1160.

- That's not bad. - OK. She's looking at me quite intensely.

(LAUGHTER) - What about Guy? Did he leave anything on the parachute?

- He didn't, but he wasn't sitting when he got rid of all of the items. - Oh.

- Laura had 1160. If we exclude the things when Guy was not sitting,...

- Yep. - 1161.

- Ah. - Oh. - Pretty good.

- And are we counting Guy was still on the parachute?

- No, I think Guy also left the parachute, I believe.

- Well, in the VT. you were on it. - Yeah. I was very speedy, so I took a moment to chillout,

and then I left. You'll notice I'm not on the parachute now. (LAUGHTER)

- Well, we'll see more of the process after these messages. We'll see in a moment.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to the sixth episode of Taskmaster.

Right now, everybody is trying to get things off a big parachute ― a rainbow parachute.

How did you acquire that big parachute, Paul?

- It landed there during the war. (LAUGHTER)

- Would you like to show us another video? - Absolutely.

Now, previously on Taskmaster, Guy assumed that David would make the same mistake as him.

Guy assumed wrong.

David read the whole task standing up and was able to rearrange the chair and items as he saw fit.

Here's him and Captain Two Signs, Matt Heath. (LAUGHTER)

- Oh, my time starts now. I shouldn't― I should be on here now, shouldn't I?

(LAUGHTER)

- Is that what evacuate means?

(LIGHT QUIRKY MUSIC)

From the rocking chair? - All the information you need is in the task.

- OK. So my feet aren't allowed to touch the ground.

(GRUNTS)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

- Careful. - (GRUNTS)

(AUDIENCE YELLS, LAUGHS)

Feet didn't touch the ground. - I know.

(WOOD CRACKS)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

(CLANG!)

- PANTS: There must be an easier way to do this.

(GRUNTS)

(VELCRO RIPS)

- (GRUNTS)

- (GASPS) Ah. Cramp.

(PANTS) Cramp.

- (GROANS)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHTER)

(GRUNTS, PANTS)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

- PANTS: Getting quite shagged doing this.

- No! Fuck! (LAUGHTER)

(YELLS) No!

- (BREATHES HEAVILY)

(PANTS)

(LAUGHTER)

PANTS: OK. I'm done. (BREATHES HEAVILY)

- (GASPS)

Oh, man.

That hand's all the way over there. (LAUGHTER)

(PANTS)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHTER)

- (BREATHES SHAKILY)

- How was that? - GASPS: Stop.

- (BREATHES HEAVILY)

How'd I do? (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Couple of interesting techniques there. Matt, you decided that the best way

was to lie the rocking chair flat for some particular reason. I'm not sure why.

- I just― Uh, like, for speed and, uh, convenience.

I feel like there's some bad news coming my way. (LAUGHTER)

- Well, how did Matt go in terms of the chair? You know, I mean, was the chair OK after that?

- He damaged the chair slightly, but the main issue was you were supposed to be seated.

- SIGHS: Yeah. - Of course.

- In Matt's case, he got rid of all 1163 things,... - Mm-hmm.

- but only five while seated. (LAUGHTER)

- This is an ongoing problem for me. (LAUGHTER)

Not reading the tasks.

- How about David? - Similar story. He got rid of 1163 items,

but was standing for 1156 of those. (LAUGHTER)

So, seven while sitting. Seven, which is more than Matt by two.

- OK. So is there anyone else to have a look at?

- There is one more person, and she is the lover of all things vegan.

It's Urzila Carlson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So I can move the chair, right?

- Yeah. - All right. I'll just get everything lined up.

Boop.

- Can I take this home when we're done? - Yeah.

- Just cos I've got the torso. Boop.

Paul, be a doll and bring that hammer for us.

- The hammer? - Yeah. (PANTS)

How much time have I got left? - You've got six minutes.

- (GROANS) If I tip it, that's more stuff, right?

Look at this. It's your social life.

(LAUGHTER)

Play something for us, Paul. - I can't play the guitar. - Pretend.

Make it something uplifting.

- (STRUMS CHORD) (LAUGHTER)

- That's not too hard.

All right, how much time? - You've got just over three minutes.

- Oh, yeah. Heaps.

(DRAMATIC WESTERN MUSIC)

- (YELPS) Paul, come give me that cricket bat, please. - OK.

Good luck to who has to clean this.

This should come with a trigger warning for all parents.

- Two minutes.

- That was the reverse sweep. - Well played.

40 seconds.

(BLOWS WHISTLE) - I was happy with that, Paul. - OK.

- I left this for you so you can get hammered tonight. - OK, thank you.

- See you, mate. - See ya.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Well, you have to say a better technique. - Yes.

- But you still left a lot of things on top of the parachute.

- I looked at it and I thought, 'One of these guys are going to fuck up hard on this task.

(LAUGHTER) - 'I'm OK as long as I don't come last.'

I don't need to win. I just don't need to embarrass my family. (LAUGHTER)

- How did Urzila go in the end? - 1150. 13 items still on.

- But certainly a lot less tired than the rest of you. - Oh, yeah. I felt great afterthat.

When I was done, I went for a run, so... (LAUGHTER)

- Shall we score that one, Paul? - One point for Matt, two points for David,

three points for Urzila, four points for Laura, and five points for Guy. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Very, very good. Now, Paul, I can't do maths as fast as your little computer can,

so what are our episode scores looking like now?

- In first place, with nine points, Guy Montgomery. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- All right, Paul. Reach into the depths of your mind palace and conjure me up another task, please.

- Of course. It's time for another team task.

Warning ― this task contains explicit lyrics

and also bullying. (LAUGHTER)

(TENSE MUSIC)

- Ooh, yeah! (SLURPS) - OK.

- Big ol' bowl of spaghetti, huh? Hello, Paul.

- # Ooh. #

- Uh, 'Mom's spaghetti.' Oh, OK. So this is like a rap situation. - Rap― Ah.

- Where's the envelope?

- GRUNTS: Oh, yeah. - You got it?

- Aw. That's just inconvenient.

- Paul. - Honestly.

- You couldn't have just put it on the table? - Yeah.

- Sorry. (LAUGHTER)

- 'Create a diss track about the members of the other team.

- 'Best diss track wins.

- 'You have 45 minutes.

- 'Your time starts now.'

- RAPS: # I got beef with Matt Heath. #

- Voov-voov.

- RAPS: # Matt, Matt.

# Run him over like a cat. # - David, you shouldn't run over cats.

(LAUGHTER) - Yeah, it's actually offensive to the cat owners.

- (BEATBOXES) Something like that?

- I think let's make it COVID-friendly and less spitty.

- RAPS: # Get Matt Heath.

# Wrap him with a shoelace.

# Have his body hanging from this tall place. #

- URZILA: Oh, they're gonna go hard on us cos they know about music and stuff.

(FUNKY HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS) - # Fuck you, Urz!

(LAUGHTER) # Fuck you! #

- Things we know about Laura ― she was on Seven Sharp.

Cakes. - Ugly cakes.

- You bake ugly, shit cakes. - Yeah.

(RELAXED HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS) - RAPS: # This how flow goes. I'ma break your nose.

# Break your teeth, bitch. Get out of my flow. #

- Can't wait to hear his Christmas song.

- Montgomery ― more like Mont...

Goobery.

(FUNKY HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS) - # I'm gonna, gonna, gonna drown you

# in your own blood. Hold your face down in your own blood now. # (LAUGHTER)

- Correos ― Wi-Fi boy. Why do you need all that Wi-Fi in the garage? - (CHUCKLES)

- What, are you wanking in there, buddy? - Yeah, that's good.

And the thing is they've got nothing on us. There's nothing.

We're untouchable. So we know... - Yeah, I mean, we're fucking perfect.

Good luck to them.

- Oh, we should make fun of them for being old. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- We should really bully them for being older than us.

- Oh, do you think they've put them together because, combined, their age is the same asours?

- Surely they won't focus on that aspect of it. (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Surely you wouldn't focus on that. - No. - No.

- I'm less worried about the age. I am truly terrified to find out what David does here.

(LAUGHTER) Cos if that's the practise...

- I feel like you're gonna be on a list somewhere. (LAUGHTER)

- David came up with a different freestyle of increasing intensity for every beat we sampled.

A lot of it was un-broadcastable. (LAUGHTER)

- RAPS: # Matt Heath.

# Stab him in the face, got a blood on the sheath. # (LAUGHTER)

- Shit, man. (LAUGHTER)

We kept it respectful. - Yeah. - And we didn't go downstairs.

We keep it clean and we keep it respectful, so I hope you guys did as well.

(LAUGHTER) If anything, we sort of tried to buoy you guys up.

- Yeah. - Sounds like a pretty piss-weak diss track.

- Well... (LAUGHTER)

- Did you read the task as 'Compliment the other team?' (LAUGHTER)

- No, we knew we could go really hard because we're wealthy and you're not.

(LAUGHTER)

- We've got two blistering diss tracks to come when we return.

We'll see you after the break. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster ― a wholesome light entertainment programme

that so far has been mainly about parachutes and battle rapping.

What's on next, Paul Williams? - Our two teams are attempting to disrespect each other

via the medium of rap music. Up first, our dynamic duo ―

Matt and Urzila. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(HEAVY HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS)

- # There's just two of us. - # Two.

- # They needed three of yous.

# You're coming last. We're gonna eat your ass. (LAUGHTER)

- Not me. Not so much. - Let's go.

- Laura.

Not sharp enough for seven, eh?

Jacinda got eye diarrhoea from your ugly-ass cake. (LAUGHTER)

Laura ― rhymes with borer. - Borer. - And snorer.

One fucks up your day, one fucks up your night.

- # There's just two of us.

# You three are pus.

# You've been surpassed.

BOTH: # We're gonna eat your asses. (LAUGHTER)

- Not me so much. I'll have a biscuit. Guy.

# Montgomery.

More like Guy...

Un-comedy. Or Guy McFreckleface.

Or SPF 70 Guy, because you're extremely pale.

- Very pale. - Very pale.

- Good-looking, though. - Very good-looking. - Here we go. Final chorus.

# There's just... - BOTH: # ...two of us.

- # They needed... - BOTH: # ...three of yous.

# We're gonna put you in a cast

# and eat your ass.

- SCREAMS: Ass!

Correos.

Wi-fi boy. More like wank-man.

Wanking in the kitchen. Wanking in the lounge. Wanking in your garage.

Wanking all over your shit signal.

(MICROPHONE THUMPS) - Tried to catch it.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

- Yeah. - Wow. That was quite something. - Yeah.

- Talk us through the thought process.

- I don't think we should be talking about―

You kept writing, 'And you're going to eat their arses.' (LAUGHTER)

- It wasn't until after that Urzila pointed out that eating their arse is―

I thought it was, like, insulting you guys. (LAUGHTER)

- You did make history. This song set a record

for the most arse-eating threats in a rap song. (LAUGHTER)

- Yeah, boy!

- We kept it clean and we kept it respectful. (LAUGHTER)

And I hope you guys do us the courtesy.

You'll be devastated to find out, Matt, that not only do we not offer to eat your arse,

but we don't even offer our own arseholes for consumption. (LAUGHTER)

- Once again, that was a misunderstanding from me.

- OK, are we ready for a return of serve? I'm excited to see if David will deliver on his promise

to literally murder both of them... (LAUGHTER)

in multiple ways. - Let's find out.

Here's David, Guy, and Laura, who prefer to be known collectively by their rap group name,

which you'll soon find out.

PAUL: So, take it all at the top. Introduce it.

- Maybe Boomers, maybe? - Fuck! (GRUNTS)

- We're called the Baby Boomers? - They're called the Maybe Boomers. - Maybe Boomers. Yeah.

- (GRUNTS) - Uh, we're called the― Uh...

Hello. This is our rap group ― The Three Friends. - The Three Friends.

- And, uh, this is our― our track that's going out to Matt Heath and Urzila Carlson.

Fuck you guys. - Yes.

- Fuck you guys. Fuck you. - Yes, you've been warned.

- You've been warned. OK. - Hit it.

(OMINOUS HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS)

- RAPS: # Matt and Urzila. Matt and Urzila. Never met any old fuckers worse than ya.

# Matt Heath, you got bad teeth. Yeah, sticky and you're like an old used sheet.

# You don't play Ne-Yo

# on the radio.

# But you should

# cos Ne-Yo's real fuckin' good.

- # Yeah.

# Oh, Urzila Carlson.

# Never seen a TV show you didn't star in.

# Guess what? It's pissing me off.

- # Brrrah! Brrrah! - # Whenever you open your mouth,...

- Yeah! - # ...I'd rather hear somebody cough.

- # And I don't like coughs. (LAUGHTER)

# They sound (LAUGHS) real bad to me.

- # You're maybe baby boomers cos you're sagging in appearance.

# You're yo― older than us,... - ALL: # ...but you're younger than our parents.

- # What a fucking crazy age. You're more famous than us,...

- ALL: # ...but we're on the same wage!

- Hopefully. - Hopefully. Hopefully.

- # Matt and Urzila.

# I'ma break your face just in case you don't know your place.

# Hit 'em on my foot while I spray you with mace. Ha, ha!

# Split you like banana.

(LAUGHTER) # Ha, ha!

# Better call your mama.

# I know you old.

# I'ma break your bones. I know you old. (LAUGHTER)

# I know. I know. Drink more milk, bitch. (LAUGHTER)

- # You're maybe baby boomers cos you're sagging in appearance.

- LAURA AND GUY: # You're older than us, but you're younger... - ALL: # ...than our parents.

- # Yeah. - LAURA AND GUY: # What a fucking crazy age.

- # More famous than us,... - # but we're on the same wage. #

- Hopefully.

- I'm gonna kill both of you. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Right in the eyes. Knife. Boom, boom!

(THUD!) (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That was lovely. Thanks, guys. That was― That was really lovely.

- I felt so guilty after making that,

I, um, emailed the producers to try not get that aired.

They said no. - (GUY LAUGHS)

- So, as an apology, I'm so sorry. Here you guys go.

(AUDIENCE 'AWW'S) - LAURA: Aww.

- URZILA: Thank you. - I'm so sorry.

- Meat packs ― I love it. Meat pack. (APPLAUSE)

- I'm so sorry. - Oh, that's lovely. - I'm so sorry.

- I mean, honestly, you should have brought us milk, bitch! (LAUGHTER)

- The Three Friends also assumed that they were on the same wage,

so I thought on the count of three, we could all say our wage. (LAUGHTER)

- Look, I mean, let's not get into that. Just give them the points.

We'll go back to the beach house and think about it. (LAUGHTER)

- Jeremy, how are we going to score this?

- Well, it's quite difficult, actually, because clearly,

David, Guy, and Laura's rap was a better rap.

There was an issue there, and it's like a―

It's a lesser known ism, but ageism, just like racism and sexism, is an ism.

And for a man approaching his 50s, it's a more relevant ism by the day. (LAUGHTER)

And so I'm gonna have to take a point off you for that

because I was going to give you five and I was going to give you guys two.

But now I'm going to go four for you guys and two for you guys. Simple.

- We're happy with that. - We'll take that. (APPLAUSE)

- Like all great hip-hop feuds, this was settled with a lovely hamper.

Thanks very much, David. That's impressive. What now, Paul?

- Ring, ring!

Ring, ring! Sorry, I'll just...

Hello?

OK. OK, I'll tell them.

Um, they say it's time for another task.

(LAUGHTER)

Sorry, what was that?

Why am I pretending to be on the phone?

I just thought it would be a good way to, um, throw into the next task.

Yeah. Yeah, no. I know I was wrong. (LAUGHTER)

Yeah, I can feel that now. I'm kind of stuck in this bit, though. (LAUGHTER)

OK, I'm just going to start the― I'm just gonna about the task. OK, right now.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

- (HUMS CURIOUSLY)

SING-SONGY: I spy a burner phone.

- I'm not going to murder anyone. I'll tell you that right now.

- Oh.

- 'Keep this phone with you at all times.

- 'Await further instructions.' Flash phone.

- I feel like I'm nailing it so far. (LAUGHTER)

- Do I need to charge it?

- I'm going to go, and if you need me, you know how to contact me. (LAUGHTER)

- Hi. - Oh, hello. - Hi. What's up?

- You're still here. - Yeah.

- You can go home if you want.

- Can I? - Yeah. - Why is that?

- Well, the instructions...

might be a while.

- OK. Sweet.

See you later. - Thank you, David.

- Have a good one. - You too. - Bye.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Right.

What happened when those phones buzzed? Well, time will tell.

Approximately two minutes of time, actually. We'll see you back here in just a moment.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster, where five exceptional comedians are battling it out

for the chance to take home a copy of the Treaty of Waitangi

that Laura printed at Warehouse Stationery. (LAUGHTER)

What is happening, Mr Paul Williams? - We gave our contestants all a $29 phone.

Their only instruction ― to await instruction.

- That's a big ask. I mean, did you guys take your phones everywhere you went for all thattime?

- Everywhere. - It was a, um, tremendous pain in the aris.

- Yeah. - So you have to keep it charged all the time.

- I got accused of selling drugs multiple times because I was running a burner.

That consumed me ― that phone. I'd leave the house,

I'd drive down the road, I'd come back to get the phone.

I kept it on me for two months ― every freaking second. It was never out of charge.

- Did you get those, like, weird notification texts as well?

- Yeah, and it'd be, like, just some random thing from the phone company saying, 'Bling!'

You're like, (YELLS). - Like, 'Oh, I missed it!'

- So, just over two months ago, they were all given these phones

and while they were just living their own lives, one Friday afternoon, I sent them this text.

'Join this video chat ―

'HTTP―' It's a link. There's a link.

'You must be dressed as Abraham Lincoln.

'Also, you must pretend to be Abraham Lincoln.

'First to arrive wins.

'Your time starts now.' (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Right. Dress as Abraham Lincoln. So who had an Abraham Lincoln costume?

- You wouldn't believe my bad luck.

I spend, you know, the middle part of every day in my Abe Lincoln garb. (LAUGHTER)

Take one day off and the phone fucking goes off. (LAUGHTER)

- Would you like to see what happened? - Love to.

- Here's what happened.

(STATIC HISSES SOFTLY)

- LAURA: Uh...

(LAUGHTER) - Hello.

What's your name?

- Uh, my name is Abraham Lincoln.

- Quite a bushy beard, Mr President.

- I'm known for having a big, long beard.

- No offence. You look...

a bit like Osama bin Laden. (LAUGHTER)

- What?!

- See, I would associate you more with a kind of top hat.

- Yep. But if I go like this...

- It looks kind of Russian.

(LAUGHTER)

Uh, you― Um, Sir, your mic might not be on.

I can't hear you.

- SOUTHERN US ACCENT: You've called me at an unusual time.

I was just on my way to the theatre to watch a show with my wife.

- Oh, well, that's actually pretty good timing.

I wouldn't go to that show if I was you.

- No? - I wouldn't get in the car.

- Why― Why wouldn't you go to the show? I've heard fantastic things.

- I'd love to hear some of your famous quotes.

- Four score and 10 years ago,...

LAUGHS: I had a dream. (LAUGHTER)

- Wow.

We've got a, uh, another...

person joining us.

- GRANDLY: How are you? (LAUGHTER)

Four score and 40 years.

It's me!

I love slaver― I hate slavery!

- LAURA: It sounded like you said you loved slavery. - No, I don't.

I- Actually, it's the complete opposite.

Let me pay for this costume I just got.

Oh, no. Oh, my card's declined! I wo― (LAUGHTER)

- (LAUGHS) - DAVID: Oh, no!

OK, let me just― let me just use this fandangled contraption.

- Um, we have― We have another person joining the call.

Hello. - URZILA: Hello.

- Who are you?

- Oh my God. I'm Lincoln, bro. I'm dead.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - Oh, spooky. - I'm a ghost.

I mean, I'd still be alive if some dude hadn't killed me.

- Abraham Lincoln wearing headphones, I believe you're in the background

of one of the other Abraham's camera right now.

- Why, if it isn't myself!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - Wow.

What are the odds?

Did you guys shop at the same store?

- GUY: Why, of course we shopped at the same store. We're the same person!

(LAUGHTER) - Sorry there's another person joining the call.

LAUGHS: Oh.

- LAURA: Uh, who is that? - (GUY LAUGHS)

- Whereabouts are you right now?

- BAD AMERICAN ACCENT: Uh, Viaduct, sir.

- Right. - Just been having a bit of a lunch.

- Oh. - (GUY LAUGHS)

- Who's going to the theatre tonight?

- Well, I just got talked out of it by the gentleman in the bowtie.

(LAUGHTER)

- This is very awkward because I've got five different people claiming to be Abraham Lincoln.

- Well, we all know who the real Abraham Lincoln is.

I would like to see the Abraham Lincoln with the orange cone wave with two hands.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Wow. That was quite something. David, I want to know what happened with the card decliningthere.

- I ran into Look Sharp, I got dressed, didn't pay for it, got there.

It declined, and then I had to get on to my phone, get into my bank app

while this woman was staring at a brown Abe Lincoln, transfer some money, pay for it.

- David and I had actually just had lunch together in Wellington

and gone our separate ways when the phones went off,

and so I sprinted into Look Sharp and, very sweaty, I was talking to this woman.

I said, 'You got anything like Abe Lincoln?'

And she just went, 'Oh, vaguely,' and then put together this costume.

Then I came outside, and then not two minutes later, a very sweaty David would have run in,

picked out exactly the same costume. (LAUGHTER)

- Laura, yours was quite Osama bin Laden-y, wasn't it?

- Yes. But the task was 'first person to join the call,'

so, actually, I think I put in too much effort. (LAUGHTER)

- She was unbelievably fast ― two minutes and 56 seconds. - URZILA: Wow.

- OK, so how do the points stack up? - One point ― Matt, two points ― Urzila,

three points ― David, four points ― Guy, and five points for Laura Daniel.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Congratulations, Laura.

There are plenty more tasks to come.

Well, actually, there's one, but that's plenty in my books.

We'll see you very, very shortly after some riveting advertisements. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster. The finish line is near,

and soon, it will be raining tofu and biltong on our winner for the week.

But first, scoreboard, please, Paul Williams.

- In first place with 17 points, it's Guy Montgomery. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- There's everything and nothing to play for.

Let's head to the stage for our final task of the night!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

OK. A bare-bones task.

Would you like to give that to David to read, maybe?

- David, please read this task. - Mm-hmm.

'Taking turns, name a celebrity.

'Your celebrity's name must start with the last letter of the previously-named celebrity.

'You cannot name a celebrity that has already been named.

'You have 10 seconds to name your celebrity.

'If you do not name one, you will be eliminated.

'If Jeremy has not heard of your celebrity,

'you have a further 10 seconds to convince him they are famous.

'If you do not convince him, you are eliminated. Last contestant standing wins.'

- So, for example, 'Paul Williams', the S is the next celebrity.

- LAURA: Oh. - URZILA: Ah. - Yes.

- Can they be fictional characters or are they all real people?

- Jeremy? - Well, I think they can be fictional characters

as long as they're famous in their fictional world.

- How well do you know Yu-Gi-Oh!? (LAUGHTER)

- Is that his first or second name? (LAUGHTER)

- We're going to start at this end with David.

(BLOWS WHISTLE) - Joaquin Phoenix.

(LAUGHTER)

- Xavier Rush, the former Auckland rugby player. - Yep.

- H? - H.

- Uh, uh, Harry Potter. (LAUGHTER)

- Peter Plumley-Walker. (LAUGHTER)

What? You haven't heard of Peter Plumley-Walker?

- No. Harry Potter ended in an R. - Oh! - You said Peter Plumley-Walker.

You're eliminated. (APPLAUSE)

- So, can I pick a new celebrity now? Or...

- Yes. - OK.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE) - Sean Penn.

- Neil Diamond.

- David Correos. - Oh, thank you.

- Uh, Sarah Jessica Parker.

- Raquel Welch.

- Harry Styles.

- Sean William Scott.

- Uh, Tina Turner.

- Ronald McDonald. (LAUGHTER)

- Donald Trump.

- Oh, no. Oh, Petra Bagust. - (LAUGHS)

- Is that a― Is that a T? - T. - T.

- Um- Uh...

T... Terese...

Tr... Uh... T― Tom― Tom Hanks.

- (EXHALES HEAVILY)

- Sean Connery.

- Yolanda Be Cool. They're a― They're a band. They're a DJ.

- I've never heard of Yolanda Be Cool. (LAUGHTER)

- How do you feel, Jeremy? - I can't accept that. I don't― Never heard of Yolanda Be Cool.

(AUDIENCE GROANS, APPLAUDS) - Sorry, David.

Guy Montgomery.

(BLOWS WHISTLE) - Pink.

- Keri Hilson.

- Naomi Campbell.

- Lionel Messi.

- Um... Uh...

Isabel Lucas.

Home and Away. Transformers. Hot little blonde thing. (LAUGHTER)

- (SIGHS) Simon Dallow.

- William Wallace.

- E― Edgar Wright.

- Tom Cruise.

- Edgar Allan Poe. (LAUGHTER)

- Um... E― E― Uh..

Erin Simpson.

- (SIGHS) Um...

Nicolas Cage. - Whoo! (SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

- Elon Musk.

- Sk. Um... Uh...

Kimberly Crossman.

(TENSE MUSIC)

- (SIGHS) - (BLOWS WHISTLE)

- Don't know. I'd just gone blank. (APPLAUSE)

- Great effort. - Back to Guy. Our final two. (BLOWS WHISTLE)

- Kim Cattrall.

- Uh, Laura Daniel? (LAUGHTER)

- Who's that (?) - The... (LAUGHTER)

- Lex Luthor. - Yeah, Lex Luthor.

- Uhh― Uh...

Ronald Weasley. (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Well, if you've heard of Harry Potter― - Yeah, but Harry's famous.

Is Ronald Weasley famous in that world? - Yeah, I reckon.

- LAURA: Yeah. - Was he famous? OK. All right.

- Yung Lean? (LAUGHTER)

- Who? - He's a rapper and he's 10 times more famous

than Ronald Fucking Weasley. (LAUGHTER)

- I don't know him. - I got nothing. It's an outrage, but I've got nothing.

Uh― Oh, Yell― - (BLOWS WHISTLE)

- Yellow. The colour yellow. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Well done, Laura. Come on down. Let's score it! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back on, everyone.

How did we go with the scores there, Paul?

One point for Matt, two points for David, three points for Urzila,

four points for Guy, and five points for Laura Daniel. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So where does that live task leave us for the overall standings for the series?

- With a four-point lead, with 103 points, Laura Daniel!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- All right. So what about tonight's episode ― episode six? Who's the winner?

- The winner of tonight's episode, with 21 points,

Guy Montgomery! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Congratulations, Guy. Head on up.

What an enthralling hour we've spent together tonight.

We've destroyed rocking chairs, we've torn reputations to shreds ―

I'm looking at you, Matt Heath ― (LAUGHTER)

and we reanimated the same dead president five times.

But at Taskmaster, we can lift people up faster than we tear them down.

The main takeaway from tonight is that our winner is Guy Montgomery!

We'll see you next time. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021

- URZILA: Yeah! - Hey!

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

- PAUL: Now for the biggest bargain of them all ―

an episode full of tasks on free-to-air television.

- Ow!

- SCREAMS: No!

- I love them so much.

- Am I going to have to use my fucking wits for this? I hate that!