Original subtitles

*

(WHEEL CLICKS)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- (SNORTS)

- (BLUBBERS LIPS)

- (GASPS)

(KEYS CLACK)

(CLUNK!)

(SPLASH!)

(THUD!)

(KEYS CLACK)

- (GROANS)

(POP!)

I'm peeing in the water.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Gotta be faster than that!

(KEYS CLACK)

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(SPLASH!)

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- (EXHALES)

(CLUNK!)

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021

(DING!)

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

- Kia ora koutou katoa. Welcome to the fourth episode of Taskmaster.

My name is Jeremy Wells, and I am the Taskmaster.

A few months ago, I forced five talented comedians to complete a series of tasks

that did not necessarily utilise any of their pre-existing talents. (LAUGHTER)

At the end of the whole taxing season, one will be crowned Taskmaster champion,

and they will take home my head cast in gold,...

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!

- ...forged by the team at a much cheaper West Auckland equivalent of Weta Workshop.

(LAUGHTER)

Our comedians, like every week, are David Correos,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Guy Montgomery,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Laura Daniel,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Matt Heath... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...and Urzila Carlson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I'd like to take this moment to give a shout-out to the essential workers,

Taskmasters' assistants. (LAUGHTER)

The last year and a half has proven just how vital they are. (LAUGHTER)

One I'm particularly fond of is my own one, and that's Paul Williams. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

So tell us about this week's prize task, Paul.

- This week, I hope the police aren't watching,

because we've asked them to bring in the most impressive stolen item. (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

- I won't nark if you won't nark, Paul. (LAUGHTER)

OK, let's start with Guy.

- I have the highest honour that can be bestowed in the British honours system.

I've actually stolen a Victoria Cross. (LAUGHTER)

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh-ho! - Whoa, whoa, whoa. - What?

- So obviously, the material item is incredible, but for me,

I think the main thing I've stolen there is the valour. (LAUGHTER)

- You don't know whose it was? - Well, I do. It would be incredibly incriminating to saywhose.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- David. - I stole the shoe rack from my flat.

(LAUGHTER)

Last night was when they found out I had stolen it. (LAUGHTER)

Here's the group chat message.

READS: 'Who moved the shoe rack?

'Not me. I was very confused when I saw that too lol.

'What the fuck?

'Timbs are missing.'

Followed by...

'David. Is this your stolen item?' (LAUGHTER)

'David, you fuck.' (LAUGHTER)

- Matt, what did you bring in?

- There's a part of TVNZ. It's known as the bowels,

and I was shooting a TV show there, and I went the wrong way on the way back from the toilet,

and I ended up in this room full of artefacts from ancient TV shows.

And this won't mean anything to this side here,... (LAURA LAUGHS)

...but I found the Top Town trophy. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

That is the actual Top Town trophy, nicked it out of TVNZ. (LAUGHTER)

- So, you know that this is a TVNZ show?

- Yeah. (LAUGHTER)

Yeah, but they won't watch, will they?

It's actually pretty rubbish, isn't it? For a trophy, for a whole town,

for the most popular show in the country.

- Also, I'm not sure we can be critiquing... trophies.

- Yeah. - LAURA: Yeah. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Laura.

What did you bring in? - I stole Paul's girlfriend. - AUDIENCE: Whoo!

- (LAUGHS) (APPLAUSE)

We went on a date, we had a magical time, we kissed, we had candyfloss; I've stolen her heart.

(LAUGHTER) Do you find that amusing, Jeremy? - I think that's fantastic.

- You know what else is fantastic? Um, I also stole your girl. (LAUGHTER)

- URZILA: Whoo! I really wanna win now. - Yeah! (LAUGHS)

(APPLAUSE)

- URZILA: Yeah! Yeah, whoo!

- Were you laughing? - No, I don't laugh (!)

- Oh, OK. (LAUGHTER)

Well, it's probably good that you weren't laughing because, um, I also took your girl.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

You find that amusing, David? - What the fuck?!

- I also took your girl. (LAUGHTER)

- What?! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

- We hung out outside a Royal Oak PAK'nSAVE. (LAUGHTER)

- I know the one! I take her there too. (LAUGHTER)

- Matt. - Yeah.

- It did take a while to track your girl down, but, uh, I found her. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Urzila, um, I respect you too much. - Thanks, mate. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Very good. Urzila. - Talk about stealing hearts ―

I recently found out that someone is madly in love with me,

and I went over and tried to talk sense into the person, and...

they weren't home, so I just took a little memento and got this guy.

Yeah. - AUDIENCE: Awww. - What?!

- A little teddy bear. - That's not any teddy bear. (LAUGHTER)

- Who's teddy bear is that? - That is my teddy bear Gregory. (LAUGHTER)

- Is it me or does Gregory just seem a little bit sad?

- Yeah, he smells weird too, mate. (LAUGHTER)

- To be fair, I think both Laura, Urzila deserve highest points here,

because I think your one was particularly good.

David deserves one point for that shoe rack. (LAUGHTER)

And from you, Guy, I think... Youstole something that you could go to jail for.

(LAUGHTER) Youstole something that you could be fired for.

So I think probably you should have two points,

and I think you should have three points, Matt. Do you wanna recap that for idiots?

- OK. (LAUGHTER)

One point for David, two points for Guy,

three points for Matt, four points for Urzila,

five points for Laura Daniel. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Let's dive into a bona fide video task, shall we, Paul?

- Let's do it. This task was recorded at the beautiful Lake Taskmaster,

which is also known as a disgusting, small pond. (LAUGHTER)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Hello, David.

- Hello, Paul!

- Quite a long walk. - Sorry.

- Fuck, this better not be like one of those Married at First Sight scenarios.

I'm not marrying this clown.

- Good to see ya, man. - Good to see you.

- READS: 'Get the Swiss ball in the kayak.' - 'You cannot get wet.'

- 'Fastest wins.' - 'Your time starts... now.'

- Feel like the natural thing would be just to give it a go.

- Is it gonna bounce?

- But it's definitely gonna bounce out, isn't it?

- (GRUNTS AGGRESSIVELY)

- No, I'm going to the shed.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Before we go on, I feel like I got to get this off my chest.

Swiss balls... are way too big.

I was recently trying to play basketball in Zurich.

(LAUGHTER) We couldn't buy a basket.

- This task seems quite straightforward. Who's up first?

- Here's Laura and Guy. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CLUNK!)

(LAUGHTER)

- I should have attached something to the ball. (LAUGHTER)

GROANS: Oh!

(PLAYFUL MUSIC)

(CLANK!) - AUDIENCE: Ohh!

- No, come back.

Where is this current coming from?

- Paul! - Yeah?

- Can you come here? - OK.

- Can you run? - OK.

(LAUGHTER)

- (SIGHS)

- Oh no! Yeah, I got you. I got you.

Can you get wet, Paul? - I'd just prefer not to. - But you can.

Should we get a stick? - I think maybe you should get a stick.

- No good.

- Oh! Still attached to the ground.

- I gotta go back to the shed.

- Yeah, baby!

Can I go get some rope? - Yeah. - (GROANS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER) - I'm comin', Paul!

- Why didn't I think of this in the first place? I'm an idiot!

- Oh, no, not tight enough.

Aargh!

(LAUGHTER)

- I stay dry.

- Oh! Oh! Ohhh!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- (EXCLAIMS) Oh yes. Yes, yes... Yes!

Yes! Yes! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Whoo-hoo! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- (LAUGHS)

- So, just explain to us, what gave you the confidence

to think that you were gonna be able to throw it in in one go?

- If you got it in one go, you would look like a legend, and worth the risk.

- And what part of you, Guy, thinks that there's a current in a pond? (LAUGHTER)

- To be honest, when I first went up to the shed, and I gathered these tools,

I saw a pair of galoshes in the corner of the shed. (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

But I thought, 'I'll save those for another task.' (LAUGHTER)

- What was the timing, Paul? - So, Guy ― 12.13.

Laura, 17.22. (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

- Who else dares throw a Swiss ball into a kayak, Paul?

- 12 minutes is the time to beat. Here is my main man, if you exclude my father, my brother,Jeremy,

my closest male friends, Neil Diamond ― it's Matt Heath! (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- I've got a plan.

(AIR WHOOSHES)

(LAUGHTER)

What do you reckon? Underarm?

- Ohhh! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Whoo! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- We've been working together for a long time, and finally I've seen something,

which actually makes me respect you. (LAUGHTER)

- I still haven't seen anything from you that makes me respect you, but I...

(LAUGHTER) But, boy, how smart, eh. (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHTER) - All you guys, and then I just... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

(LAUGHTER) - What's the timing on that one?

- Very quick ― 3.23. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Oh, that's pretty good, I gotta say.

- Really good, Matty. Really nice, really smart.

- A seriously impressive gauntlet has been laid down.

Now, how are David and Urzila's Swiss ball skills?

I think we're gonna find out a little bit later on after these messages

from various corporate entities. We'll see you soon! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Here we go. Welcome back to Taskmaster, where we are in the thick of a thrilling competition.

Paul, what is going on right now?

- Our contestants are attempting to get the Swiss ball into the kayak the fastest without getting wet.

- Great. So who's up next? - One is South African, one is Filipino,

but they both like their balls Swiss. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Here's Urzila Carlson and David Correos.

- Oh shit.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

- No! No! (YELPS)

- It is on anchors. - Is it?

- Yeah. - (GROANS)

- (LAUGHS) Come here, buddy.

Hmm. - Looks like it's going away.

- It actually does. - Quite quickly.

- Oh, it's a dead end!

- Looks like it's coming back now. - Let's try positive thinking.

- Well, what do you want me to think?

- Positive thoughts about the ball coming back to me. - OK.

(CLATTERING)

- If I was just patient at the start, I might have be able to do this 10 minutes ago.

Gotta be picking up some pace now.

- To the wrong side. What are you thinkin'? - What do you mean?

- Are you doing the positive thoughts for the ball to come here or to go there?

- I started thinking about those ducks. - (SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)

- Make sure you don't get wet.

Go to Urzila.

Go to Urzila.

- Good thinking, Paul.

(LAUGHTER)

- It'll be easier...

if I deflate it.

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh no.

Oh no!

Nooo!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Why does this―? Aargh!

(AIR WHOOSHES) - It's actually quite soothing.

- (PANTS)

(GRUNTS)

Oh fuck!

(GRUNTS, PANTS)

- Here we go, Paul.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I've done this... half-assed...

the whole time.

Fuck!

There.

(LAUGHTER)

Terrible.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- David, I don't think there's gonna be a more harrowing image on TV this year,

than you pulling that saggy, deflated... (LAUGHTER)

...Swiss ball out of that disgusting pond.

- I thought I was a genius once I stabbed the Swiss ball. (LAUGHTER)

- Well, let's talk about that, because youreallytook to that. (LAUGHTER)

- It didn't puncture the first two times!

- There's a bung, you moron. Unbung! (LAUGHTER)

- I'll fucking bung you soon! (LAUGHTER)

- Things have gotten pretty dire when you're taking tips from Matt Heath.

(LAUGHTER) - David was 20 minutes and 58 seconds.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Urzila was a respectable 15.31, which put her into third place.

One point, David. Two points, Laura.

Three points, Urzila. Four points, Guy.

And five points to Matt Heath. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- After five points from that task, out in first place with eight points, Matt Heath.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- All right, Paul. Time to load me up with another task.

- Jeremy Wells, I hope you're feeling festive,

because it's the most wonderful time of the year. (LAUGHTER)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Aww.

- Ho! Ho! Ho!

- Meeerry Christmas!

- This is adorable! Did you do this? - Yeah.

- Wow! - Thank you.

- It's got my name on it.

- Bit of a Christmas fan, actually.

- Choose a present!

- Lift with your legs, eh?

- I'm gonna go for the most glamorous one.

(HOLLOW RATTLING)

Is it a PS5?

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

- Ooh! Ooh.

- READS: 'Perform an original Christmas song.'

- 'It cannot include any of the following words ―

'Santa, joy, jingle,...'

- '...snow, reindeer, tree,...'

- '...December, North Pole, elf,...'

(CLUNK! CLUNK! CLUNK!)

- '...jolly, holy, holly,...'

- '...Christmas or holiday.'

- 'However, it must reference your present.'

- There's some kind of sand in here.

- 'Most festive song wins.'

- 'You have one hour.'

- I want this one.

- A muffler.

(LAUGHTER)

- What is it? (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

- It's literally just oats.

- Oh, it's a shoehorn! Oh, nice! Thank you.

- (GASPS) Is this a laminator? - I think so, yes. - (LAUGHS)

- I've never felt more vegan in my life.

- Are you happy with that? - Yeah, but I wasn't expecting anything.

- Is there a grand piano anywhere? - Do you play the piano? - No.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- First up, it's Matt Heath, who remember, is technically a professional musician.

He's released three albums with his band, Deja Voodoo. (CHEERING)

Remember, Matt's song must include a reference to his gift, which was a muffler/exhaust pipe.

- Yeah. - Enjoy.

- Me and Paul would like to perform a little... little song for you,

and so I hope you enjoy it in this very special time of year, isn't it, for Kiwis across thecountry.

(PLAYS DESCENDING NOTES) (TAMBOURINE RATTLES, JINGLES)

(PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE)

- # Presents,

# tree,

# winter ― I'm happy

# turkey,

# stuffing, the family.

# Chicken.

# Oh!

# Who's got the mistletoe?

# Cos, baby,

# I'm comin' home.

# Oh,

# what a sight.

# I got you an exhaust

# pipe again.

# The turkey's ripe for the plucking...

Everybody!

- BOTH: # Ho! Ho! Ho!

- # ...on this festive occasion.

- # Happy! Happy! Happy!

- # There will be no

# tasering tonight.

# Cos the family

# loves each other. #

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That was beautiful. - Oh, thank you.

- And particularly, 'there will be no tasering tonight.' (LAUGHTER)

- I thought we worked well together, man. Like, we could probably do something.

- OK. - # Happy! Happy! Happy! # (LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

- Matt, I just wanna say, you've been killing this episode.

You've done a great job so far. Congratulations. (LAUGHTER)

- So, before we move on, Paul, can you tell me what were the words that you couldn't use,right?

- Yes. There was quite a long list. - Mm-hm.

- I do believe 'tree' was one of the words. - AUDIENCE: Oooh!

- I didn't say 'tree'. (LAUGHTER)

- I kind of feel like I heard something like that.

Maybe if we play back the first two words of the song. Should we have a listen to those?

- # Presents,

# tree... #

DISTORTED: # Tree. #

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- It was a very simple mistake, but I should point out that Matt practised his song seven times.

- Oh! - In between each practice, he reread the list.

(LAUGHTER)

- Well, we've got four more festive ditties to enjoy, but before that,

we get to enjoy three minutes of a different type of jingle, the advertising type.

Those are happening right now. We'll be back in just a moment. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Who will win their own girlfriend/wife back from the grasp of Laura Daniel?

We will soon find out. Who has a merry song for us next, Paul?

- Here is an acapella effort from David Correos, who has to try to shoehorn in his gift, a shoehorn.

(LAUGHTER)

(BELLS JINGLE)

- # I was sitting

# by the fire.

# I was wired

# and also tired.

# Smoked a joint

# and drank a coffee,

# waiting to open a present for me.

# I looked under the tall bush.

(LAUGHTER)

# Maybe I'd smoked some really strong kush,

# cos what I saw was a man stealing from me.

# Saint Nick, give me back my shoehorn.

# These boots cannot be worn.

# I'll trade you some stink corn.

# St Nick,

# give them back

# to me. (BELLS JINGLE)

# I need 'em for my family.

# That would be lovely.

# St Nick,

# give it back

# to me! #

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- There you go, Matt. You could've called it a tall bush,... (LAUGHTER)

...stayed in the race. - That was beautiful, man. - URZILA: Yeah.

- I love you. - DAVID: I love you too. I love you too.

- Talk me through the logic here.

So, you're talking to St Nick, who's stolen the presents from under your tall bush.

Doesn't he give out the presents? - That's what I thought too. (LAUGHTER)

- Who's next, Paul? - Up next with the voice of an angel

and the laminator of an angel who wants to prolong the life of their certificates,

it's Laura Daniel. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- LAURA: This one goes out to all the lovers,...

- (PLAYS DISCORDANT NOTES)

- ...spending time together in the festive season.

(CHUCKLES)

Listen up.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

# It's a bright summer's day,

# cos this time in New Zealand,

# the skies are not grey.

# You've woken up beside me,

# and you're not in your sleigh,

# but before you leave this evening,

# I just wanna say, yeah,

# I wanna laminate this calendar day.

- BOTH: # ...ay.

- # Laminate it, and you take it away.

- BOTH: # ...ay.

- # Maybe I'd freeze time from the laminating, and you'd stay.

# I wanna laminate this calendar day.

- # ...ay.

- # Merry, merry Jesus birthday.

(LAUGHTER)

# He's blessed us with laminators and clay.

# If Jesus was here, we'd have a three-way.

# And then I'd laminate this calendar day. #

(THUD!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Who's left, Paul?

- Next is Urzila, who received a box full of oats, and she seemed disappointed that it was vegan.

Is that correct? - Look, I was just disappointed that I had to sing,

because I'm tone deaf, and B, I have an accent and I sing in it. (LAUGHTER)

- Let's play Urzila's song. Enjoy.

- Right. Hit it, Paul. - (PLAYS SOLEMN NOTES)

# Oh, vegan night.

# You descend on my ass like a witch against glass.

# You make me regular at night.

# You make my shit take flight.

# Xmas time ― I'd rather shit my pants

# or have a bout of swollen glands.

# Thank Christ for the oats, so we can feed them goats.

# Oh, vegan night. #

Yeah, vegan night! Yeah!

That's it. That's it. Stop it.

That's my song.

Merry Xmas, vegan night.

- OK, was that it or rehearsal - Yeah. No, that was it. - OK.

- Do you think you can do better? - I-I wasn't say that.

- No, I think that wraps it up for me. - OK.

You've still got 30 minutes and 40 seconds, but you're happy with that?

- I'm fairly confident that I'm not gonna crush this challenge,

but I know at some point you and I are gonna box and/or wrestle.

And I'm gonna crush that one.

(LAUGHTER)

- OK.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Thank you, Urzila.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I think I speak for everyone when I say that there was nothing good about that at all.

(LAUGHTER) - I could not agree with you more.

- Why did you turn your shoulder to Paul and sort of sing around the corner?

- Oh, I was being sexy. (LAUGHTER)

I think that's how straight people do it. (LAUGHTER)

- We've got one song to go, is that right?

- We do, and he'd like to wish you a Guy Montgo-merry Christmas. (LAUGHTER)

- This is Guy Montgomery and Paul Williams with the Festive Fox.

# Well, he's the festive little fox,

# and he's quite unorthodox.

# But he's giving out the presents

# for this year.

# It's Decembre vingt-quatre,

# and morale needs a jump-start,

# for young Guy, well, he knows the cupboard's bare.

# But the fox won't let that be.

# He's got treats for all, you see.

# And he will not stop till all have had their share.

# For Guy's mother needs an oven,

# and the father needs some lovin',

# and the sisters, a trip to the county fair.

# So the fox, he fucks Guy's dad,

# and the mother is quite mad,

# till she sees oven beneath the chandelier.

# And the sisters leave the house.

# All is quiet as a mouse.

# But there's nothing yet for Guy.

# No, nothing here.

# This clever little fox

# leaves a six-plug multibox,

# and young Guy,

# he's no longer in despair.

# Everyone got what they need ―

# for the fox, a glass of mead,

# for his work is now quite finished for the year.

# And he looks upon young Guy,

# both their hearts are filled with glee.

# And between just you and me,

# here's what he said.

HIGH-PITCHED: 'Well, it's pretty tough work being a fox,

'but when I see your family with all these treats bestowed upon them

'and the oven plugs into the multibox just perfect, it all makes it all worthwhile, really.

'See you next year, everybody!'

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That is a terrifying insight into the Montgomery family Christmas right there, I reckon.

- Yeah, I remember them with mixed memories, really.

Mum was always scuppering around for an oven,

and Dad would be out the back just absolutely going hammer and tongs on a fox.

(LAUGHTER)

I think I got Paul with that. (LAUGHTER)

- You've also got Paul on your T-shirt, I see. - Yes.

- Yeah. Fitting with the theme, which I didn't know would be the case.

This is young Paul as a chorister.

I mean, I've got a treasure trove of Paul backstage. (LAUGHTER)

- OK. Matt, you get one. I'm not gonna completely disqualify you. I'll still give you one point.

- Actually, I deserve one. I'll give my two points to Matt. - That makes three.

- Cos it was a beautiful song. He had a beautiful song. I'll take one; he can have my two.

- OK. - So... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Very festive.

- So, Urzila's taking the one point, and Matt's―

- Urzila gets one. Matt gets two.

David gets three.

And then Guy four and Laura five, I think, for that. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Right, pour yourselves an eggnog and leave some live chickens out for the festive little fox,

because we'll be back very shortly with more tasks. See you soon. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster, where five weird and wonderful minds are battling it out

to win a medal Guy Montgomery stole from a dead war hero. (LAUGHTER)

TV does not get any better than this.

What's next, Paul? - We're heading back to the Taskmaster house.

But I must warn everyone ― something about this next task is a little fishy.

(UPBEAT STRING MUSIC)

- Hey, Paul. - Hello, Matt. - This is a terrifying room.

- Hello. - Hello, Guy.

- It's me. - I know.

- Ooh!

- Finally!

This is my buzz.

- Can I take it? - You may. - Mean.

- I want to eat one.

But I shan't.

- READS: 'Shoot a chocolate fish into the fish bowl.'

- 'You must say the name of a different animal with each shot.'

- 'Your first successful shot is your animal.'

- 'Most powerful animal wins.'

- Ooh! OK! (LAUGHS)

- I reckon I'm gonna get down to, like, insects.

- It's a good task. - I know.

- I like animals, and I love chocolate fish.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I'm thinking physical strength is gonna be winner for me here,

but I'm happy to be swayed by a convincing argument. Who's first?

- Being singled out for the third time this episode, this could go either way, here's Matt Heath.

(LAUGHTER)

- 'Your time starts... now.'

Blue whale.

(DINK!)

Tiger.

(SPLAT!)

Liger.

(THWACK!)

Otter.

(CLINK!) (GROANS)

(LAUGHTER)

- Why'd you say otter? - I don't― I shouldn't have said otter.

I was just throwing one away as a practice shot. Otter.

Otter.

- What would've been your dream animal? - Horse.

(LAUGHTER)

Otter. That's gonna live with me for a long time.

Thanks, Paul. - Thank you, Matt.

(APPLAUSE)

- Otter. - Otter. Matt...

- Where did that otter come from? (LAUGHTER)

- Well, your dream animal, interestingly...

- I love a horse. - Yeah.

Other kids had imaginary friends when they were growing up; Matt had an imaginary pony.

- Mm. - A pink pony called Starlight Macintosh.

(LAUGHTER) - LAURA LAUGHS: Really?

- I actually shared that with you in confidence. (LAUGHTER)

- Who's next, Paul? - Can anyone beat an otter?

The answer is almost definitely yes, but let's take a look anyway. Here's Guy and Laura.

- It's not gonna take this many fish for me to get a fish in the bowl.

Can you imagine? - Yeah.

- It would be humiliating.

Look at this ― mouse.

- Practice shot ― I'm gonna start easy. Uh... Fish.

(THWACK!) Cool, great.

- Would you like a fish? - I'm fine, thank you.

- You sure? - Yeah, I'm working.

- Kitten.

(DINK!) (EXHALES) Work your way up the animals, Laura. I'm getting closer.

- Mastiff.

(THWACK!)

- Dog.

(THUD!)

Panther.

(THWACK!)

- Oh, can I please get a pen and a piece of paper? - There's probably some upstairs.

What's your favourite animal? - A cat.

- Me too. - Really? - Yeah.

- My cat Martin? - My cat. - Your cat.

- Sam. - OK.

- Ideally, I'm gonna land on blue whale.

- What would be your dream powerful animal?

- Elephant. It could hold people. It could hold both of us.

I don't wanna put both of us on it, cos I don't think elephants should be ridden. I'm a vegetarian.

- You know that saying 'an elephant never forgets'? - Mm-hm.

- Can an elephant have amnesia? - Not sure.

- Cos if they can't, we've gotta destigmatise that for a start. - Mm.

- Leopard.

(THWACK!)

- Ooh. - Well, don't put a camera there. That's not my fault.

- Oh, no, I was― - It's absolutely not my fault. - No, I know.

- A lion.

(DINK!) Oh!

- Hippogriff.

- Jaguar.

(DINK!)

Ooh.

- You seemed a little disappointed. - Well, I've told you what I wanted. I was building up to blue whale.

I didn't think I was gonna be that good.

- Red panda.

(DINK!) Shit! Shit! Shit! (LAUGHS)

- Are you happy with that? - No, I'm not happy with that. That's not the strongest animal.

- But a jaguar is strong. Jaguar coming in here would destroy you, tear you limb from limb,

and not me, cos I'd say, 'Well, I listed you as a strong animal,

'and in doing so, you motivated me to succeed, so you and I are allies.'

- I don't think it would understand that. - Yeah, it would.

- Thank you, Laura.

- Pescatarian.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Knowing what we know now, Guy, you must be very pleased with the jaguar.

- Well, yeah, but I set my standards a little bit higher than just beating Matt.

(LAUGHTER)

- Well, we know that Laura's got a red panda.

- So far, the strongest in looks. (LAUGHTER)

A very attractive, beautiful animal, the red panda.

- The red panda has reddish-brown fur,

a long shaggy tail and a waddling gait. (LAUGHTER)

So Jeremy will be ranking them in terms of how powerful he thinks they are,

and then after the show when the camera's off, we are gonna fight the animals in the car park.

- Yes.

- OK, two more to go. - Last but not least, we have David Correos and Urzila Carlson.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Uh...

Cat.

(THWACK!) Oh!

That was close, right?

- Elephant.

- Elephant.

- BOTH: Lion. Giraffe. Monkey. Gorilla.

- Eel. (THWACK!)

Fuuuuuuck.

- Let me think. When you go into the zoo... Meerkat.

(DINK!) (GROANS)

- Falcon.

Warbler.

Blue tit.

- Mark. I went to school with Mark. He was a real fuckin' animal.

- Seal.

- Wildcat. Hippo.

(DINK! DINK! DINK!)

(GROANS)

- Killdeer.

(DINK!)

Ooh! Close. That sounded nice.

- Are you allowed to look up animals alphabetically for me? - OK.

- Shark. Clam.

Mussel. Oyster.

- Affenpinscher. - Affenpinscher.

That sounds like... (DINK!)

...something you get a jail term form.

- Whale.

(SIGHS)

Gecko.

- American Alsatian.

- Can I throw more than one? - Yeah.

- Alaskan malamute.

- Toad.

Ooh!

OK. OK.

- American pit bull terrier.

- Pit bull.

(DINK!) Yeah!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Of course I got pit bull. I live in West Auckland, mate.

- Red-eyed tree frog.

(DINK!)

Yeah!

SLO-MO: Yeah!

Yes!

There we go.

Red-eyed tree frog.

(LAUGHTER)

- Bam! - Thank you.

- Woof. Woof!

See ya!

- What made you go with the red-eyed tree frog? - Great animal.

- Would you say a powerful animal? - Yes, because they've got powerful legs.

- For jumping. - Yeah, for jumping.

You ever seen an elephant jump? - No.

- Nah. Red-eyed tree frog ― powerful.

- OK. - Yeah.

Fuck.

(LAUGHTER)

Does this go up against other...?

Fuck! Oh no.

(LAUGHS)

Oh no!

You wait. You wait till we get to the record. I'ma have debate level...

- ...facts. - ...facts. That's the word.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Wow. There's some interesting powerful animals that you were attempting to name there ―

the oyster. (LAUGHTER)

Urzila, you'll be happy with yours. - So stoked. A pit bull ― that can fuck anything up.

(LAUGHTER)

- I got some facts here, OK. (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Fact number one ― red-eyed tree frogs spend the majority of their lives in trees.

(LAUGHTER)

Red-eyed tree frogs are not venomous. (LAUGHTER)

Red-eyed tree frogs can jump up to 20 times its own body length. (APPLAUSE)

Now, I used to be an Olympic weightlifter. The term 'power' is strength times speed.

None of these animals even compete per capita. We are New Zealand.

We base our whole fuckin' personality on per capita. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Personally, I reckon, Laura, yours is the least powerful.

The red panda is a pathetic animal. (LAUGHTER)

So you get one. Otter boy over here's on two.

Red-eyed tree freak comes in with three. Pit bull four.

And then I would hate to take on a jaguar. That would be me there. Five.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - I'll take that. Thank you, Taskmaster. I'll take it.

- OK, there is one more task to do tonight,

and it's happening right here in our beloved Taskmaster studio.

We'll see you very shortly. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster.

We have one task to go before we find out who is taking home David Correos' flatmates' shoes.

Before we do that, Paul, a quick points update, if you will.

- Laura's on 13, and with 15 points, Guy Montgomery. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- OK, there's no better time than now to head on to our stage for our final task. Off we go.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Well, well, well. Surprise, surprise, surprise. It's time for a live task.

- That is correct, Jeremy Wells. Who would you like to read the live task?

- Oh, give it to Guy Montgomery.

- Thanks, Paul. - Can you read it in the voice of the fox?

(LAUGHTER)

- I-I actually can't... (LAUGHTER)

...in good conscience do that.

READS: 'Carry a briefcase of either nothing or onions across the stage and place it on themat.

'The Taskmaster will then attempt to guess what you are carrying ― nothing or onions.'

(LAUGHTER)

'If he guesses correctly, you are eliminated. If you deceive him, you qualify for anotherround.

'Most deceptions wins.'

HIGH-PITCHED: Sounds like a right good time. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Let's start at this end... - Fuck.

- ...and move along to Urzila. - WHISPERS: Good luck, man. - All right. Let's do it. (EXHALES)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

- On the mat, please, David.

- (URZILA LAUGHS) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I reckon that doesn't have any onions in it.

- Onions. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Double the bluff.

- Guy Montgomery, please choose your briefcase.

(LAUGHTER)

- Onions.

- Onions. (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

- Absolutely devastating. (LAUGHTER)

- Laura Daniel. (AUDIENCE WHOOPS)

- (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

Onions.

- Onions. (APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- I'm gonna say onions.

- Nothing. - Oh! (APPLAUSE)

- Too― Too quick.

(LAUGHTER)

- Onions.

- Nothing. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

David, please begin round two.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

- Onions.

- Nothing. - Wow! (APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

- Why change a winning formula?

- No onions.

- Correct. (AUDIENCE GROANS)

If Urzila doesn't succeed, David Correos wins the task.

(APPLAUSE)

- Absolutely 100% onions.

- You are 100%...

right. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

The winner of the task ― David Correos. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Come on down. Let's score.

Obviously, David came first, so five points, so well done, David.

- Thank you. Thank you. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Urzila and Matt, three points each. (APPLAUSE)

And I think Guy and Laura, one point each. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Oh, that's quite nice. - It's not nothing.

- So how does that affect our overall points table for the series, Paul?

- In first place, with the funniest amount of points you can have, 69 ― Laura Daniel.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- DAVID: Yes!

- So that's the overall series standings, but, of course, there is the all-important tonight's winner.

- Yes. 13 points for David.

14 points for Laura.

But the winner, with 16 points ― Guy Montgomery. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Yes!

- Congratulations, man.

- Oh, so relieved. I get my girlfriend back.

And your wife. (LAUGHTER)

- That's right; Guy get up on that stage and enjoy your stolen stuff, you low-down, dirty criminal.

(LAUGHTER)

What a journey of discovery we've been on today.

We've become acquainted with the inflatable balls of Switzerland;

we've familiarised ourselves with the pagan talking fox rituals of the Montgomery family;

and most importantly, we've discovered that our winner for episode four is Guy Montgomery!

Well done, Guy. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

We'll see you next time.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Can you give me a B? - (BLOWS NOTE)

- It's OK, Paul. It's just a bee.

- If you're as keen as a bean,...

- Beans, beans, beans, beans.

- Come feel my bean, Paul.

- ...you're gonna love this task.

- You're a fuck, but you're a brilliant little fuck. - URZILA: Yeah, yeah.