Original subtitles

-Hello! -[exclaims]

Sorry.

To activate your Janet, press nose for three seconds.

Okay, okay. Um...

Can you walk yet? Here.

Oh.

-Hello, I'm Janet. -[shushes]

-Hello-- -[shushes]

-Hello, I'm Janet. -I really need you to shut up.

Where did you get this?

Did you actually get into the Good Place somehow?

Didn't need to. They keep their Janets in a neutral pocket dimension

beneath the shapeless time void.

It's right next to accounting.

And you just walked in and stole her? It was that easy?

You didn't have to choke out an angel or anything?

Doors were unlocked, no security.

It makes sense, right? They're good, so they're stupid and trusting.

I understand you need the four humans to think they're in the Good Place,

but using an actual Good Place Janet seems risky.

Why don't you have a Bad Place Janet pretend to be good?

I thought of that, but watch... Bad Janet?

What up, skidmarks?

Let's try that thing again where you pretend to be a Good Janet, okay?

-Now, really try your best. -Fine.

Say, Janet, where can I get some delicious ice cream?

There's a wonderful parlor in the middle of town square.

My favorite flavor is Rocky Road.

It contains chocolate ribbon, marshmallows

and your dad's salty nuts, you fat dink!

I see what you mean. Use the good one.

Janet, you and I are about to have a real adventure together.

Wait a second. What are you telling me?

Are you saying because you're glitching out--

The neighborhood is in danger of total collapse.

Fun fact, mathematically, it's equally likely to either im- or explode. [laughs]

Okay, okay, so I suppose the next question should be...

-what's causing the problem? -Unclear.

The glitches started out small and then began to escalate.

Then I came here, looking for help.

Then I started talking and then you looked at me, annoyed, like that.

And now, here we are.

Okay, all right.

Yeah, this is very bad.

-Let's run a full diagnostic, Janet. -You got it.

Little short on time here.

It's a little hard to get out.

Almost got it.

Here it is.

My user manual.

Okay, let's get started.

[theme music playing]

[Michael] "Hello and welcome to your new Janet.

Janets are brought to you by the makers of light, darkness and everything."

I need to skip ahead here.

Where's the troubleshooting part?

-Michael? What's with the earthquake? -Hmm?

Janet's experiencing a slight technical issue.

-Ew! What's wrong with it? -Oh! Um, uh...

I tried to eat some frozen yogurt. It looked so good!

But I'm not supposed to eat anything, so there was a little earthquake.

[rumbling]

See? There it is again.

Can't you just reset these things?

What do you do again? It's the ears, yeah?

It's down, down, out...

Can I speak to you for a second, outside?

This is a common problem and I've got it under control.

I don't know. First, you went rogue at the party,

with your sports car and your weird earring.

Now Janet's breaking down?

It's like you're begging me to tell Shawn you're incompetent. Begging!

Vicky, it's a temporary problem, I promise.

Hey, you know who could use some torturing right now? Chidi.

-[gasps] Oh! I love torturing Chidi. -I know.

I had this great idea the other night.

Thought it was worth exploring. Picture this:

Needles.

-Oh! That's the whole idea. -Yeah!

-Needles! [laughs] -Yeah! Genius, right?

-Yeah! -I mean, needles!

-Wonderful, wonderful. So smart! -[laughing]

-Yeah. -Needles. Yeah, run with that.

Okay, hopefully bought us a little time.

Where were we? Here we go. Yeah, glitches.

"In the event of malfunction, run the following tests.

First test, basic corporeal function." Hop up on the table.

[vocalizing]

All right, great.

99.7 trillion degrees.

Little bit on the high side, but no biggie.

And still no blood.

Oh, thank goodness. Okay, what's next?

"Summoning and retrieval. Have Janet produce an object

using the random object generator program." Okay.

A 14-ounce ostrich steak impaled on a giant novelty pencil that says,

-"Lordy, Lordy, I'm over 40." -Here you go.

"Lordy, Lordy, I'm over 40." Perfect.

Okay. "Third test, informational accuracy.

Glitches may be a sign that..."

You didn't finish your sentence.

"Glitches may be a sign that your Janet is processing or disseminating information

that is incompatible with objective truth."

They're talking about lying, Janet.

This is all my fault.

I told you a lie that first day we met.

Okay, here goes nothing.

Hello, I'm Janet and I have now been fully activated.

Hello, Janet. I'm Michael, a Good Place architect.

One of the best. Top-notch. You're in luck, here.

Happy to meet you, Michael.

I will help you make the perfect neighborhood.

Would you like to get started?

One small note there, Janet.

The neighborhood that I want to build

might be a little different from the ones that you might be familiar with.

-Is that all right? -Of course, silly billy!

I build and operate the neighborhood,

but every aspect of the design is entirely up to you!

For example, if you'd like me to stop calling you silly billy, just say so!

Yeah, I don't like that at all. Michael's fine.

Sounds good, Michael.

I lied to you.

I lied about who I was and what we were doing,

and then I lied a billion more times to support that first lie.

And now you're all discombobulated.

-It's my fault. -Nope. You're wrong.

If the glitching was only a result of you lying to me,

why wouldn't I have been glitching all along?

Why would it only be starting now?

Wow. That's a good point.

-I know, right? -[knocking on door]

-May-- -Excuse us, Michael,

but we've been trying to call Janet, and she isn't answering.

Hi, guys. I'm broken.

Yeah. I had to take her offline for a system check.

She'll be available real soon.

Cool, because I'm just so freakin' excited,

because Tahani said she's never had jalapeño poppers.

I wanted to get some for her.

[Tahani] They sound so disgusting.

But if Jason likes them, then maybe I will, too,

because we are together. I can finally admit that.

[Jason] Babe, you admitted it!

That's sweet.

Whoa! You two are sleeping together?

Only when we're done having sex.

Anyways, Janet, can you help us?

As soon as Michael puts me back online,

I'd be more than happy to help you get that extra-special gift for Tahani.

Whoa.

What's happening?

-Oh, boy. -What the...

Oh, man. We got robbed!

They took the walls, the floor and we were standing here the whole time?

These guys are good.

[Tahani] Michael, what do we do?

Okay, there we go. Nothing to worry about.

Happens sometimes. Perfectly normal. Let's go.

Is Janet going to be all right?

Totally fine. Please go back to your house and wait for her there.

She'll show up shortly with lots of jalapeño poppers.

-And cheesy fries? -Mmm-hmm.

-With donkey sauce? And the cool hat? -Sure.

-[Michael] Ding-dong. -I don't seem to be getting better.

That glitch appears to have been limited to this building, so Vicky won't know.

That's the good news. The bad news is,

I seem to be losing my ability to sustain object permanence.

It's a glass half-full,

glass stops-existing-in-time-and-space kinda deal.

Okay, let's walk through what just happened.

Jason and Tahani came in,

revealed the crazy fact that they're in a relationship.

I already knew that and I am so happy for them.

[retching]

Janet, tell me a lie.

Janets can't lie.

-You lied to Vicky earlier. -Interesting. I guess I did.

I suppose after 802 reboots, I must have gained the ability to lie.

That's fun. I want to try to lie again.

I love your outfit.

"Incompatible with objective truth."

The problem isn't me lying to you, but you lying to other people.

Like when you said to Jason,

"I'd be happy to help you and Tahani." That was a lie.

No, it wasn't. I'm always happy to help people. That's my main purpose.

It was still a lie, even though you didn't intend it to be,

because you weren't actually happy to help them.

Because you're in love with Jason.

Say what now?

After the very first time you were rebooted,

and as you were slowly regaining your knowledge,

you bonded with Jason.

The two of you got married,

and I think somehow, you're still, deep down, in love with him.

[scoffs] No. That is impossible.

Think logically. When was the first glitch?

When I said I was happy to give Jason and Tahani couples' therapy.

And the second glitch?

When I said I was happy to see them embracing.

And the third glitch, the earthquake?

When I said I was happy I'd helped improve their relationship.

Oh... Nuts.

-Yeah. -But I am happy for them.

I am. I am. Am I? I am.

I am not. I am not! I am not that. I am not happy for them. [gasps]

How is this possible? I don't have any memory of being married to Jason.

You said Janets get more sophisticated every time they're rebooted.

Well, maybe you falling in love with Jason

was some sort of mutation that then was amplified with each reboot.

Okay, that makes total sense.

I know what you have to do now. Kill me!

Sorry, I say everything in a cheery manner, but in this case,

it may be inappropriate. I'll try again.

[clears throat]

You have to kill me, Michael.

-Better? -Janet, I can't reboot you.

That will intensify your feelings for Jason

and that's what got us into this mess in the first place.

I'm not saying reboot me. I'm saying set me to self-destruct.

"In the event of continued malfunction,

hold down Janet's nose and insert paper clip

-into small hole behind left ear." -Right here.

"Janet will rapidly collapse in on herself.

When Janet is roughly the size of a marble,

she can be launched into space through an inter-dimensional suction tube,

or eaten as a mid-day snack."

I'm very high in potassium, like a banana!

"A new Janet will need to be procured

in order to return the neighborhood to functionality."

Easy. I'll be gone, you'll get a new Janet and everything will go back to normal.

Not for me. I'll be a lifeless marble floating through space.

But you'll be back to normal!

Are you sure this is what you want? To self-destruct?

What I really want is to stay and serve the neighborhood,

but due to my feelings for Jason, I'm putting everyone at risk.

So, looks like it's adiós, Janito.

Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

You didn't give me a heads-up about this new Vicky torture.

The one with the needles in my face.

-Little busy here, bud. -[Chidi] Yeah, totally.

I don't wanna be a nudge,

but is there anything else coming down the pike you forgot to mention?

I honestly don't know,

but I have bigger fish to fry, so just walk it off.

I would love to walk it off, but my feet have needles in them!

-I don't know what to tell ya. -Okay, but...

Okay, self-destruct time.

Marbleize me, Michael.

It's the only choice. I won't feel any pain or anything.

[chanting] Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.

I really don't wanna do this, Janet, but I suppose it makes sense.

Great! Grab a paper clip.

Okay, that was the last pudding shop.

Great, should I begin to welcome the residents?

No, wait, wait, wait. This is all wrong!

Pudding restaurant! What even is that?

-Pudding won't work. -It's okay, Michael. Just relax.

I can't, Janet!

My design has to be perfect, for me to...

In order to accomplish what I need to accomplish.

I'm way out on a limb here. And I'm all alone.

No, you're not. You have me, Janet. I can help you.

It's too hard to explain, but there are certain aspects of my plan

that you just can't understand.

-Try me. -[scoffs] Yeah.

All right, fine, fine.

Janet, what's a food that people think they enjoy,

but that's also kind of a bummer?

-Frozen yogurt. -[whoops] Yes!

Frozen yogurt. Janet, you're a genius.

-Correct. But why do you want a food-- -Don't worry about that. [laughs]

Okay, let's make all these restaurants frozen yogurt.

-Okey dokey. -[laughing]

-Would you like to try it? -Yeah.

It's just okay.

Which means it's perfect.

Let's bring in the residents.

I don't know what just happened, but I'm happy you're happy!

Michael?

Hmm? Sorry. Yeah, yes, sorry.

Oh...

-I can't do it. -Come on, dude.

It's dangerous, is what it is. Vicky could find out!

Then the plan, the whole plan...

It's bad for the plan, Janet. That's the reason.

I don't understand.

Given the situation, it's far safer to initiate the self-destruct.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, look, see, here...

Here's the reason. I promised the four humans

that we would escape to the Good Place once and for all,

and without you, we stand zero chance of ever making it there.

The new Janet will be able to help you with that.

But it's not only that, though.

See, it's also because of... What if Vicky found out?

You already asked me that.

Why are you making such a big deal about turning me into a marble forever?

Because of reasons. There are reasons!

They exist and I don't want to explain them right now!

-What are the reasons? -There are reasons!

-But what are they? -The reason is friends!

You're my friend, Janet. That's why I can't kill you.

We have been through so much together.

I mean, yeah, sure, for you, each time I rebooted you,

you met me all over again.

But for me, our relationship has become important.

You're my oldest, my truest, my most loyal friend.

I can't just get rid of you

and replace you with some other Janet I don't even know.

Well, well, well...

Don't do that. Just lay off.

Michael!

That was so nice of you. I'm glad you said that.

Well, I mean it.

Look at us, a couple of old pals,

trying to make our way in this crazy world that I built.

Two peas in a pod.

One of whom needs to kill the other one immediately.

Michael, come on. Kill me!

No, there has to be another way.

This problem you're facing, it's about emotion, right?

That's a human problem.

So maybe we should consult our most problematic human.

So, let me get this straight.

You want me to convince Michael to turn you into a marble

because you're causing earthquakes,

because you're sad about Jason, to whom you were once married,

because he's currently sleeping with Tahani?

-Correct. -I don't think I've ever

meant this literally, but that might be too much information.

First of all, I totally get the Jason thing.

He's a ding-dong, but also a straight hottie, so up top.

But more important, what you're going through

is something every person has gone through.

Not a person.

Actually, right now, you kind of are,

because you just found out your ex is dating someone else.

And yeah, it sucks, but trust me, it's not worth all this drama.

You need to get drunk and go dancing.

You'll forget all about Jason. Can you get drunk?

Not really. Although, if I stand next to a powerful array of magnets,

I do get pretty loopy.

Do that. Pop a couple magnets, listen to some No Doubt, dye your hair.

You'll be totally fine in two seconds.

Honestly, the best move is to get another dude

and just go to town. Rebound guy!

But I guess here, your options are pretty limited. What about Michael?

-Extraordinarily bad idea. -Right. Forget it.

But you don't need to worry.

You're awesome.

You contain all the knowledge in the universe,

you have a rippin' bod and you can literally do anything!

This is just a blip.

So, was it helpful?

Yes, Eleanor told me instead of being sad, I should, "Go get it, girl!"

So, I'm going to go get it, girl!

-Get what? -Unclear.

I'll get everything, to be safe.

I should be able to avoid glitches

by watching what I say around Jason and Tahani.

[sighs] Thank you for your help.

-I'm so glad we're friends. -Me, too.

Since we're friends, I can tell you this honestly.

Take that outfit out of rotation. It makes you look bottom-heavy.

It does, doesn't it? [groans]

If it's okay with you, I'm gonna go to my void for a little while.

I need to spend some time alone and focus on myself.

Take all the time you need.

[chuckles]

-Hi, there. -Hello!

-Janet, who's that man? -This is my new rebound boyfriend, Derek.

-I made him. -[chuckles] Hi, I'm Derek.

You must be--

Oh... Okay, that makes more sense.

You must be Michael.

Janet's made a lot of talk-talk into my earholes about you.

Michael, Michael, Klichael, Klichael.

Janet, you can't make a person.

I know. But I did, though.

Eleanor said that to forget about Jason, I should create a rebound guy.

So, I made one. Derek!

-I'm her boyfriend and she made me. -He's so nice.

[laughs] Whoa! Look at this glass. Oh, my God.

I'm in there, too? What's going on right now?

It's my first time making someone, so he might be a bit off.

This could be... Please put that down.

This could be very dangerous! It shouldn't even be possible.

Maybe not 800 reboots ago. But apparently, now it is.

[laughing]

Can you believe this?

-Derek, is it Derek? -It's Derek.

Derek, could you please give me and Janet a moment alone?

Go back to the void. I'll be there in a minute.

-Okay, I'll miss you like crazy. -I'll miss you more.

No, I'll miss you more. Bye!

[chuckling] What a dork, am I right?