All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S02E06.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DD5.1.x264-AJP69_track3_[eng]

-Hello!
-[exclaims]

Sorry.

To activate your Janet,
press nose for three seconds.

Okay, okay. Um...

Can you walk yet? Here.

Oh.

-Hello, I'm Janet.
-[shushes]

-Hello--
-[shushes]

-Hello, I'm Janet.
-I really need you to shut up.

Where did you get this?

Did you actually get into
the Good Place somehow?

Didn't need to. They keep their Janets
in a neutral pocket dimension

beneath the shapeless time void.

It's right next to accounting.

And you just walked in and stole her?
It was that easy?

You didn't have to choke out an angel
or anything?

Doors were unlocked, no security.

It makes sense, right? They're good,
so they're stupid and trusting.

I understand you need the four humans
to think they're in the Good Place,

but using an actual Good Place Janet
seems risky.

Why don't you have a Bad Place Janet
pretend to be good?

I thought of that, but watch...
Bad Janet?

What up, skidmarks?

Let's try that thing again where you
pretend to be a Good Janet, okay?

-Now, really try your best.
-Fine.

Say, Janet, where can I get
some delicious ice cream?

There's a wonderful parlor
in the middle of town square.

My favorite flavor is Rocky Road.

It contains chocolate ribbon, marshmallows

and your dad's salty nuts, you fat dink!

I see what you mean.
Use the good one.

Janet, you and I are about to have
a real adventure together.

Wait a second.
What are you telling me?

Are you saying
because you're glitching out--

The neighborhood is in danger
of total collapse.

Fun fact, mathematically, it's equally
likely to either im- or explode. [laughs]

Okay, okay, so I suppose
the next question should be...

-what's causing the problem?
-Unclear.

The glitches started out small
and then began to escalate.

Then I came here, looking for help.

Then I started talking and then
you looked at me, annoyed, like that.

And now, here we are.

Okay, all right.

Yeah, this is very bad.

-Let's run a full diagnostic, Janet.
-You got it.

Little short on time here.

It's a little hard to get out.

Almost got it.

Here it is.

My user manual.

Okay, let's get started.

[theme music playing]

[Michael] "Hello and welcome
to your new Janet.

Janets are brought to you by the makers
of light, darkness and everything."

I need to skip ahead here.

Where's the troubleshooting part?

-Michael? What's with the earthquake?
-Hmm?

Janet's experiencing
a slight technical issue.

-Ew! What's wrong with it?
-Oh! Um, uh...

I tried to eat some frozen yogurt.
It looked so good!

But I'm not supposed to eat anything,
so there was a little earthquake.

[rumbling]

See? There it is again.

Can't you just reset these things?

What do you do again?
It's the ears, yeah?

It's down, down, out...

Can I speak to you for a second, outside?

This is a common problem
and I've got it under control.

I don't know.
First, you went rogue at the party,

with your sports car
and your weird earring.

Now Janet's breaking down?

It's like you're begging me
to tell Shawn you're incompetent. Begging!

Vicky, it's a temporary problem,
I promise.

Hey, you know who could
use some torturing right now? Chidi.

-[gasps] Oh! I love torturing Chidi.
-I know.

I had this great idea the other night.

Thought it was worth exploring.
Picture this:

Needles.

-Oh! That's the whole idea.
-Yeah!

-Needles! [laughs]
-Yeah! Genius, right?

-Yeah!
-I mean, needles!

-Wonderful, wonderful. So smart!
-[laughing]

-Yeah.
-Needles. Yeah, run with that.

Okay, hopefully bought us a little time.

Where were we?
Here we go. Yeah, glitches.

"In the event of malfunction,
run the following tests.

First test, basic corporeal function."
Hop up on the table.

[vocalizing]

All right, great.

99.7 trillion degrees.

Little bit on the high side,
but no biggie.

And still no blood.

Oh, thank goodness.
Okay, what's next?

"Summoning and retrieval.
Have Janet produce an object

using the random object generator
program." Okay.

A 14-ounce ostrich steak impaled
on a giant novelty pencil that says,

-"Lordy, Lordy, I'm over 40."
-Here you go.

"Lordy, Lordy, I'm over 40." Perfect.

Okay. "Third test, informational accuracy.

Glitches may be a sign that..."

You didn't finish your sentence.

"Glitches may be a sign that your Janet is
processing or disseminating information

that is incompatible
with objective truth."

They're talking about lying, Janet.

This is all my fault.

I told you a lie that first day we met.

Okay, here goes nothing.

Hello, I'm Janet
and I have now been fully activated.

Hello, Janet. I'm Michael,
a Good Place architect.

One of the best. Top-notch.
You're in luck, here.

Happy to meet you, Michael.

I will help you make
the perfect neighborhood.

Would you like to get started?

One small note there, Janet.

The neighborhood that I want to build

might be a little different from the ones
that you might be familiar with.

-Is that all right?
-Of course, silly billy!

I build and operate the neighborhood,

but every aspect of the design
is entirely up to you!

For example, if you'd like me to stop
calling you silly billy, just say so!

Yeah, I don't like that at all.
Michael's fine.

Sounds good, Michael.

I lied to you.

I lied about who I was
and what we were doing,

and then I lied a billion more times
to support that first lie.

And now you're all discombobulated.

-It's my fault.
-Nope. You're wrong.

If the glitching was only a result
of you lying to me,

why wouldn't I have been
glitching all along?

Why would it only be starting now?

Wow. That's a good point.

-I know, right?
-[knocking on door]

-May--
-Excuse us, Michael,

but we've been trying to call Janet,
and she isn't answering.

Hi, guys. I'm broken.

Yeah. I had to take her offline
for a system check.

She'll be available real soon.

Cool, because I'm just
so freakin' excited,

because Tahani said
she's never had jalapeño poppers.

I wanted to get some for her.

[Tahani] They sound so disgusting.

But if Jason likes them,
then maybe I will, too,

because we are together.
I can finally admit that.

[Jason] Babe, you admitted it!

That's sweet.

Whoa! You two are sleeping together?

Only when we're done having sex.

Anyways, Janet, can you help us?

As soon as Michael puts me back online,

I'd be more than happy to help you
get that extra-special gift for Tahani.

Whoa.

What's happening?

-Oh, boy.
-What the...

Oh, man. We got robbed!

They took the walls, the floor
and we were standing here the whole time?

These guys are good.

[Tahani] Michael, what do we do?

Okay, there we go.
Nothing to worry about.

Happens sometimes.
Perfectly normal. Let's go.

Is Janet going to be all right?

Totally fine. Please go back
to your house and wait for her there.

She'll show up shortly
with lots of jalapeño poppers.

-And cheesy fries?
-Mmm-hmm.

-With donkey sauce? And the cool hat?
-Sure.

-[Michael] Ding-dong.
-I don't seem to be getting better.

That glitch appears to have been limited
to this building, so Vicky won't know.

That's the good news. The bad news is,

I seem to be losing my ability
to sustain object permanence.

It's a glass half-full,

glass stops-existing-in-time-and-space
kinda deal.

Okay, let's walk through
what just happened.

Jason and Tahani came in,

revealed the crazy fact
that they're in a relationship.

I already knew that
and I am so happy for them.

[retching]

Janet, tell me a lie.

Janets can't lie.

-You lied to Vicky earlier.
-Interesting. I guess I did.

I suppose after 802 reboots,
I must have gained the ability to lie.

That's fun. I want to try to lie again.

I love your outfit.

"Incompatible with objective truth."

The problem isn't me lying to you,
but you lying to other people.

Like when you said to Jason,

"I'd be happy to help you and Tahani."
That was a lie.

No, it wasn't. I'm always happy to
help people. That's my main purpose.

It was still a lie,
even though you didn't intend it to be,

because you weren't actually
happy to help them.

Because you're in love with Jason.

Say what now?

After the very first time
you were rebooted,

and as you were slowly
regaining your knowledge,

you bonded with Jason.

The two of you got married,

and I think somehow, you're still,
deep down, in love with him.

[scoffs] No. That is impossible.

Think logically.
When was the first glitch?

When I said I was happy to give
Jason and Tahani couples' therapy.

And the second glitch?

When I said I was happy
to see them embracing.

And the third glitch, the earthquake?

When I said I was happy
I'd helped improve their relationship.

Oh... Nuts.

-Yeah.
-But I am happy for them.

I am. I am. Am I? I am.

I am not. I am not! I am not that.
I am not happy for them. [gasps]

How is this possible? I don't have
any memory of being married to Jason.

You said Janets get more
sophisticated every time they're rebooted.

Well, maybe you falling in love with Jason

was some sort of mutation
that then was amplified with each reboot.

Okay, that makes total sense.

I know what you have to do now. Kill me!

Sorry, I say everything in
a cheery manner, but in this case,

it may be inappropriate. I'll try again.

[clears throat]

You have to kill me, Michael.

-Better?
-Janet, I can't reboot you.

That will intensify your feelings
for Jason

and that's what got us into this mess
in the first place.

I'm not saying reboot me.
I'm saying set me to self-destruct.

"In the event of continued malfunction,

hold down Janet's nose
and insert paper clip

-into small hole behind left ear."
-Right here.

"Janet will rapidly collapse
in on herself.

When Janet is roughly the size
of a marble,

she can be launched into space
through an inter-dimensional suction tube,

or eaten as a mid-day snack."

I'm very high in potassium, like a banana!

"A new Janet will need to be procured

in order to return the neighborhood
to functionality."

Easy. I'll be gone, you'll get a new Janet
and everything will go back to normal.

Not for me. I'll be a lifeless marble
floating through space.

But you'll be back to normal!

Are you sure this is what you want?
To self-destruct?

What I really want is to stay
and serve the neighborhood,

but due to my feelings for Jason,
I'm putting everyone at risk.

So, looks like it's adiós, Janito.

Hey, guys. Sorry to interrupt.

You didn't give me a heads-up
about this new Vicky torture.

The one with the needles in my face.

-Little busy here, bud.
-[Chidi] Yeah, totally.

I don't wanna be a nudge,

but is there anything else coming down
the pike you forgot to mention?

I honestly don't know,

but I have bigger fish to fry,
so just walk it off.

I would love to walk it off,
but my feet have needles in them!

-I don't know what to tell ya.
-Okay, but...

Okay, self-destruct time.

Marbleize me, Michael.

It's the only choice.
I won't feel any pain or anything.

[chanting] Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.

I really don't wanna do this, Janet,
but I suppose it makes sense.

Great! Grab a paper clip.

Okay, that was the last pudding shop.

Great, should I begin
to welcome the residents?

No, wait, wait, wait.
This is all wrong!

Pudding restaurant! What even is that?

-Pudding won't work.
-It's okay, Michael. Just relax.

I can't, Janet!

My design has to be perfect, for me to...

In order to accomplish
what I need to accomplish.

I'm way out on a limb here.
And I'm all alone.

No, you're not. You have me, Janet.
I can help you.

It's too hard to explain, but there are
certain aspects of my plan

that you just can't understand.

-Try me.
-[scoffs] Yeah.

All right, fine, fine.

Janet, what's a food
that people think they enjoy,

but that's also kind of a bummer?

-Frozen yogurt.
-[whoops] Yes!

Frozen yogurt. Janet, you're a genius.

-Correct. But why do you want a food--
-Don't worry about that. [laughs]

Okay, let's make all these restaurants
frozen yogurt.

-Okey dokey.
-[laughing]

-Would you like to try it?
-Yeah.

It's just okay.

Which means it's perfect.

Let's bring in the residents.

I don't know what just happened,
but I'm happy you're happy!

Michael?

Hmm? Sorry. Yeah, yes, sorry.

Oh...

-I can't do it.
-Come on, dude.

It's dangerous, is what it is.
Vicky could find out!

Then the plan, the whole plan...

It's bad for the plan, Janet.
That's the reason.

I don't understand.

Given the situation, it's far safer
to initiate the self-destruct.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, look, see, here...

Here's the reason.
I promised the four humans

that we would escape to
the Good Place once and for all,

and without you, we stand zero chance
of ever making it there.

The new Janet will be able
to help you with that.

But it's not only that, though.

See, it's also because of...
What if Vicky found out?

You already asked me that.

Why are you making such a big deal
about turning me into a marble forever?

Because of reasons. There are reasons!

They exist and I don't want
to explain them right now!

-What are the reasons?
-There are reasons!

-But what are they?
-The reason is friends!

You're my friend, Janet.
That's why I can't kill you.

We have been through so much together.

I mean, yeah, sure, for you,
each time I rebooted you,

you met me all over again.

But for me, our relationship
has become important.

You're my oldest, my truest,
my most loyal friend.

I can't just get rid of you

and replace you with some other Janet
I don't even know.

Well, well, well...

Don't do that. Just lay off.

Michael!

That was so nice of you.
I'm glad you said that.

Well, I mean it.

Look at us, a couple of old pals,

trying to make our way
in this crazy world that I built.

Two peas in a pod.

One of whom needs to kill
the other one immediately.

Michael, come on. Kill me!

No, there has to be another way.

This problem you're facing,
it's about emotion, right?

That's a human problem.

So maybe we should consult
our most problematic human.

So, let me get this straight.

You want me to convince Michael
to turn you into a marble

because you're causing earthquakes,

because you're sad about Jason,
to whom you were once married,

because he's currently
sleeping with Tahani?

-Correct.
-I don't think I've ever

meant this literally,
but that might be too much information.

First of all,
I totally get the Jason thing.

He's a ding-dong,
but also a straight hottie, so up top.

But more important,
what you're going through

is something every person
has gone through.

Not a person.

Actually, right now, you kind of are,

because you just found out
your ex is dating someone else.

And yeah, it sucks, but trust me,
it's not worth all this drama.

You need to get drunk and go dancing.

You'll forget all about Jason.
Can you get drunk?

Not really. Although, if I stand next to
a powerful array of magnets,

I do get pretty loopy.

Do that. Pop a couple magnets,
listen to some No Doubt, dye your hair.

You'll be totally fine in two seconds.

Honestly, the best move
is to get another dude

and just go to town. Rebound guy!

But I guess here, your options
are pretty limited. What about Michael?

-Extraordinarily bad idea.
-Right. Forget it.

But you don't need to worry.

You're awesome.

You contain all the knowledge
in the universe,

you have a rippin' bod
and you can literally do anything!

This is just a blip.

So, was it helpful?

Yes, Eleanor told me instead of being sad,
I should, "Go get it, girl!"

So, I'm going to go get it, girl!

-Get what?
-Unclear.

I'll get everything, to be safe.

I should be able to avoid glitches

by watching what I say
around Jason and Tahani.

[sighs] Thank you for your help.

-I'm so glad we're friends.
-Me, too.

Since we're friends,
I can tell you this honestly.

Take that outfit out of rotation.
It makes you look bottom-heavy.

It does, doesn't it? [groans]

If it's okay with you, I'm gonna go
to my void for a little while.

I need to spend some time alone
and focus on myself.

Take all the time you need.

[chuckles]

-Hi, there.
-Hello!

-Janet, who's that man?
-This is my new rebound boyfriend, Derek.

-I made him.
-[chuckles] Hi, I'm Derek.

You must be--

Oh... Okay, that makes more sense.

You must be Michael.

Janet's made a lot of talk-talk
into my earholes about you.

Michael, Michael, Klichael, Klichael.

Janet, you can't make a person.

I know. But I did, though.

Eleanor said that to forget about Jason,
I should create a rebound guy.

So, I made one. Derek!

-I'm her boyfriend and she made me.
-He's so nice.

[laughs] Whoa! Look at this glass.
Oh, my God.

I'm in there, too?
What's going on right now?

It's my first time making someone,
so he might be a bit off.

This could be...
Please put that down.

This could be very dangerous!
It shouldn't even be possible.

Maybe not 800 reboots ago.
But apparently, now it is.

[laughing]

Can you believe this?

-Derek, is it Derek?
-It's Derek.

Derek, could you please give me and Janet
a moment alone?

Go back to the void.
I'll be there in a minute.

-Okay, I'll miss you like crazy.
-I'll miss you more.

No, I'll miss you more. Bye!

[chuckling] What a dork, am I right?