Original subtitles

*

(WHEEL CLICKS)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- (SNORTS)

- (BLUBBERS LIPS)

- (GASPS)

(KEYS CLACK)

(CLUNK!)

(SPLASH!)

(THUD!)

(KEYS CLACK)

- (GROANS)

(POP!)

I'm peeing in the water.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Gotta be faster than that!

- Ta-da!

(KEYS CLACK)

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(SPLASH!)

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- (EXHALES)

(CLUNK!)

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021

(DING!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Kia ora koutou. Welcome all to Taskmaster.

My name is Jeremy Wells, and according to a television contract

overseen by several high-profile entertainment lawyers, I am the Taskmaster.

(LAUGHTER)

A few months ago, I set four comedians and one over-achieving radio host

a series of complex tasks.

Tonight, we will watch them attempt those tasks, revel in their successes

and take particular delight in their embarrassing failure. (LAUGHTER)

Our contestants tonight are David Correos,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Guy Montgomery,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Laura Daniel,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Matt Heath,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Urzila Carlson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

None of them know how they've done in these tasks, and tonight I will be judging them, ranking them

from best to worst and assigning a numerical value to their self-worth. (LAUGHTER)

Assisting me in all things administration, both on and off screen,

it's my trusty assistant, Paul Williams. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- It's OK. I appreciate you guys clapping, cos I'm actually feeling kinda down at the moment.

I'm entering what is known as the dark period of any man's life

when they're too old to play Rolf in the Sound of Music... (LAUGHTER)

...but not old enough to play Captain von Trapp in The Sound of Music.

- I feel like you could play one of the Nazis. (LAUGHTER)

- It's not the same.

- Paul knows all our tasks inside out.

He's so passionate about the role, it's almost pathetic. (LAUGHTER)

Would you like to introduce our first task, Paul?

- It would make me the happiest man in the world. (LAUGHTER)

Our first task is, as always, a prize task.

Whoever's brought in the best prize will get five points,

and whoever has the most points at the end of an episode will take home all five prizes.

So, tonight, take off your jerseys and put on your oven mitts.

These five people have brought in the hottest thing.

- The hottest thing. - AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Let's turn up the heat. (LAUGHTER)

Whose first? Laura.

- Well, the task is bring in the hottest thing, so I brought in an iron.

(LAUGHTER)

And it's particularly hot because of where it comes from.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I mean, hot on multiple levels.

- True story about that photo ― the billboard just happened to be 200m from my grandmother'shouse.

(LAUGHTER)

She was 91 when she saw that, and she lasted another month. (LAUGHTER)

- She died of heat stroke. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- That's cold. That is cold.

- Urzila. - Yes.

- What did you bring in?

- Well, what is hotter than believing in yourself?

And I brought in a picture of me. (CHUCKLES)

- Uh-oh. (LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- And, look, can I just say that absolutely ruined the lounge, but... (LAUGHTER)

...I think it is worth it. You can see a bit of nip in there. (LAUGHTER)

- Yeah, I don't think you needed to point that out. - Yeah.

- David. (LAUGHTER)

- I made this.

I'm pretty hot. I'm constantly sweating, so why not be me? But if you turn it around,...

I've lined it with Deep Heat. (LAUGHTER)

So if you were to wear this mask, you would be burning. (LAUGHTER)

- That is intense. - It looks scary.

- But not hot. You're right. (LAUGHTER)

Like, he's eliminating himself. - Doesn't look hot, but, fuck, it'll feel hot.

(LAUGHTER)

- Matt, what did you bring in?

- Well, Jerry, as you know, you and me are on radio,

and some experts one day realised that our audience was about 99.9% male,

and they wanted to sort of invite women along.

So there was a photo shoot that was originally just gonna be you, but then it was both ofus.

Then I think it came out really hot, so I've had it framed. (LAUGHTER)

- That is cute at best. (LAUGHTER)

- I remember it well. - Yeah.

- I didn't frame my version of it. (LAUGHTER)

- What does it plug into? - Well, that's an interesting point you've brought up there,

because I didn't think that was quite hot enough,

so it's actually got an element in there to actually heat it up, so it can work as a heater.

(LAUGHTER)

- Brings us to Guy.

- Well, after this parade of self-delusion,

I've brought in what is genuinely the hottest thing in the world, I think you'll find,

and that is a slice of tomato from the middle of a toasted sandwich. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

That thing is molten. (LAUGHTER)

- Uh, when was it cooked? - Uh, well, it was― it was cooked a while ago,

but the thing with the slice of tomato in the middle of a toasted sandwich

is they stay that hot forever.

The only way to cool one of those down is in, a cruel and ironic twist, eating it.

(LAUGHTER)

- OK, let's score that round, should we?

I gotta say, I don't find myself particularly hot.

I see what you have done, Laura, and I see what Matt has done

by bringing in photos that have me associated with them.

- I didn't say you were hot. I was saying I was hot. (LAUGHTER)

- I have to give you guys the lowest points.

David, I thought yours was hot but terrifying at the same time, so three points.

- Mine burns people. It's so hot.

- You should be happy with three. - Thank you. (LAUGHTER)

I think Guy, four points. - OK.

- Cos, yes, tomatoes are hot coming out of a toasted sandwich machines. - Thank you, Jeremy.

- And, Urzila, that was so hot. - Smoking, right?

I have one framed and waiting for you in the dressing room. - I'd love that.

(LAUGHTER) I'd love that.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Currently, that puts Urzila in the lead with five points.

But with such a lavish prize pool, there is literally everything to play for.

Shall we go to the Taskmaster house? - Yes. I'm in the mood for a tasty task.

- OK. I should clarify that, actually, this task does involve a Brussels sprout,

which famously not very tasty. (LAUGHTER)

But, uh, anyway, here it is.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

- Hello, Paul.

- This is exciting.

- What's going on here?

- Ugh, yuck.

- Why is that moist?

- I'm nervous about this.

- READS: 'Float this Brussels sprout down from the balcony.'

- 'Longest float time wins.'

- 'You have 20 minutes...'

- '...and one floating attempt.'

- 'Your time starts...'

- Say the word, please.

- '...now.' Aargh!

- (EXHALES)

- Down there? - Uh, yes.

- I've got an ideal.

- I'm gonna go look for some stuff. Is that OK? - Yes.

- Don't follow me. - I wasn't going to.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- This is quite a tricky one, because by their very nature, Paul, Brussels sprouts, they donot float.

- Correct, yes. The average weight of a Brussels sprout is about 25g,

whereas a feather, famously good for floating, only weighs about 0.0082g.

So were these contestants able to convince a Brussels sprout to lose 99.96% of its body weight?

Here's Urzila and Matt.

- So, what I'm thinking here is some sort of oregan... no. Oregan...

- ...mi? - Origami?

- So, what are you thinking? - Build it a little parachute.

- Balloon propulsion out the back. And then if I set it on fire,... (LIGHTER CLICKS)

...it'll look cool.

- You would've gone balloon, wouldn't ya? - I'm not sure.

- But I don't have helium in my lungs.

(AIR SQUEALS) - Do you see what I'm getting at?

(SQUEALING CONTINUES)

(SQUEALING STOPS) See what I'm getting at?

- You've got 16 and a half minutes. - You're a buzzkill with that. - Sorry.

- Are you starting to see what I'm trying to do here? - Not really.

(POP!)

(POP!)

- So far so good.

That was pretty good! - Yeah.

(POP!)

(LAUGHTER)

- All right, lucky I didn't use that technique, cos that's shit.

- OK.

I think I'm ready.

- I'll go down to judge it.

- Are you going to jump? - I-I was just gonna walk.

- Have you seen that movie 'Up'? - Yup.

- It's very similar to that. - Where those helium balloons?

- How long have I got? - You've got 3.25.

- I don't have time to search the whole house for helium.

- Three, two

one.

That was actually not bad. I was actually surprised by that.

- Can you hear that? - Yeah.

- That's concerning.

Can you hear that? - Yes.

- That's a problem.

Oh, here we go.

(SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

(POP!)

Very, very disappointed in that. It just fell straight down.

Like, I think it would've probably travelled... the same speed without all the balloons.

- Yeah.

- You look disappointed in me. - You did your best.

- Yeah, that's the... that's what really hurts.

Yeah. Hey, thanks, Paul.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- 'That's what really hurts.'

- Are you happy with that effort, Matt?

- No, I'm not happy with it. I was about to quit at that point, actually. That was―

I went into a deep depression. - That was the first day. (LAUGHTER)

- Do you think the Brussels sprout would have gone down slower without the balloons?

- I did time a Brussels sprout falling on its own, and it took about 1.8 seconds.

- And how long was mine? - Matt was 2.48 seconds. - Yes!

- So he did― And Urzila, 2.8 seconds.

- There are plenty more floating vegetables to come right after some delicious advertising.

We'll see you soon. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster, TV's highest stakes low-stakes comedy show.

Paul Williams, what is going on right now?

- Our contestants are attempting to float a Brussels sprout down from a balcony as slowly as possible.

Both Urzila and Matt considered using helium but assumed that there wouldn't be any in the house,

so they didn't bother to look. (LAUGHTER)

Up next to float a Brussels sprout is David Correos.

- I found the helium.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Ooh, it's light.

(HELIUM HISSES)

(LAUGHTER)

(POP!) (EXCLAIMS)

No! Oh! Fuck!

Oh Jesus!

I didn't think about a way to tie it.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh! Shit! Shit!

(GROANS)

(GROANS IN FRUSTRATION)

(POP!) They're popping!

(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

No! No!

(LAUGHTER)

Fuck!

Oh no! I need a― Oh no! I need a ladder. Oh shit.

Where's the ladder?

Oh!

(LAUGHTER)

Can you grab a foot?

Oh fuck.

Oh! Oh, my quad.

Oh, my quad is so sore.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh!

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

Can you grab that for me?

(THUD!)

Got that. OK.

(LAUGHTER)

Three, two

one.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS)

Can't see it any more.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Going beyond there. Up in the rafters. That was impressive. - Thank you.

- An impressive builder's crack as well on the way back down. (LAUGHTER)

- Thank you, thank you, Mr Jeremy.

- Would you say that it floated... - MATT: No. - ...down?

- It didn't come down. It's disqualified. (LAUGHTER)

- I did look up the average flight time for a standard balloon filled with helium,

and it's about 12 hours. So I've logged David's time as 12 hours. - Now, hang on a minute.

What's the time with a Brussels sprout attached to it, though? - Yeah.

- How much time do you think should be knocked off for the Brussels sprout?

- Well, what was mine? (LAUGHTER)

- We'd have to knock off 11 hours, 59 minutes and 57.5 seconds. (LAUGHTER)

- I'm open to it. I'm open to it. - Seems fair. Seems fair. Yeah.

- I floated longer going down from the top of those things than your things!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Yeah, but you had helium. We didn't have helium. - Yeah. Yeah.

- Surely, no one's gonna be able to top 12. - Who's to say?

Well, I am. I-I was there. I saw it. (LAUGHTER)

But let's watch. Here's Laura Daniel and Guy Montgomery.

(OBJECTS CLATTER)

(AIR HISSES)

- I need to find something that floats in the water.

Something like this. - That was quick.

- How powerful is this bad boy? Let's plug it in and just quickly see.

(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)

- Are you―? Are you ready to start? - I've started. - OK.

(LAUGHTER)

(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)

(WHIRRING STOPS)

- See if it works.

(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS, CLATTERING, WHIRRING STOPS)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

I'm gonna go with plan B. This is why we come up with multiple plans at once.

(LAUGHTER)

I need to put water in this first.

- (POPS LIPS)

(POPS LIPS)

- It's good.

I hope this doesn't back-weight the duck.

- How do boats float?

- I'm not really sure. - Someone had to figure that out.

- I'm ready to start. - OK.

- I can't burp properly. They come out as croaks. - Oh, OK.

- Like that. - Oh wow. - Yeah.

- This is my Brussels sprout float.

It's started.

(LAUGHTER)

- Shall we start our descent? - OK.

- Does it stop when it touches the ground?

- It stops when the Brussels sprout stops floating. - Oh!

- What are you thinking? - I'm thinking of tying it.

(LAUGHTER)

Have fun. - OK.

Still floating.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- MATT: That's smart. - I hate to say it, but that's pretty clever.

- Yeah. - Yeah. - That's pretty clever.

- Well, the time to beat was 12 hours. - Yeah.

- And both of them did.

So, they actually stayed there floating throughout shooting of many more tasks.

(LAUGHTER)

- Whose Brussels sprout took the shortest amount of time to get down?

- The shortest was Matt. One point for Matt. - Thank you.

- Two points for Urzila. - Yep.

- Three points for David. And four and five points are still at play. - Wow. OK.

So that's gonna make for an interesting scoreboard. How does that work?

- Yes. Currently in second place with six points is David, and leading is Urzila with seven.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Thank you.

- OK. Onwards and upwards, then. We ready for another task?

- I think we are. - DAVID: Really?!

- What do you mean? (LAUGHTER)

- We're not getting closure on this?! (LAUGHTER)

You have no idea. I spent all of Taskmaster seeing that fuckin' bucket hanging up there.

That was the first episode! And I was like, 'There's some shit in there. There's some shitin there.'

We filmed this once a week. It was there on the fourth week! (LAUGHTER)

That was so long, Laura! I'm so proud of you! (APPLAUSE)

It was such a good way to do it.

- I'd just like to take a second to talk about Guy's new T-shirt.

- That's not you again, is it? - That is me again, yes. (LAUGHTER)

It was a― I think a Tinkerbell dress.

- Aww. - You're lookin' good, Paul. - Great pins.

Onwards and upwards. (LAUGHTER)

I'm ready for another task. - Sure thing, Jeremy Wells. (LAUGHTER)

It's time for an extreme makeover, lab edition.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Hey, Paul. - Hello, Matt.

- Hey, man.

- I like this room. I feel like this is what it would be like to be on the inside of a condom.

- (INHALES DEEPLY)

Smells good.

- OK.

- READS: 'Transform this room...'

- '...when the lights go out.'

- 'You will have 30 seconds of darkness.'

- 'Most spectacular transformation wins.'

- 'Your time starts when you say...'

Not gonna say it. - You can say it.

- I can't say it. - You can say it.

- You're sus. I can't say it.

- 'Let there be dark.'

- 'Let there be dark.'

- 'Let there be dark.'

Cool.

- Transform this room.

There's nothing in here.

- You can bring stuff in. - Oh, I see. From other places.

- So you have to transform the room while the lights are out? - Yes.

- But I can plan it now. - You can plan it now. Yeah. You can take your time.

- I want you in the room. - OK.

- But you won't be wearing that. - What will I be wearing? - Depends how many animals weget.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- If there's something that the last 20 years of television has taught us

it's that there's nothing better than a good old renovation of a room.

- That's very true, Jeremy Wells. Would you like to see one? - I would love to.

- OK. It's Urzila Carlson.

- This is my room transformation. It's basically what goes on in the inside of my soul ―

you know, in those quiet moments when people think about the mistakes they've made in their life.

I think about this. Turn the lights off.

- WHISPERS: It's 'Let there be dark'.

- Let there be dark?

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

Right.

(SULTRY MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

Oh yeah.

Work it, Paul.

Here, let's see if we can loose you up a bit.

- What is this? - Loosen-up juice.

Get in there.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

You do it.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh my God. It's getting whiter. Look hungry.

(LAUGHTER)

No, that― that's, like, constipated. No, like...

Like that.

(LAUGHTER)

Do you want kids one day, Paul? - Maybe.

- I don't know if you're gonna get them, mate.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- At some point, you've gotta leave this poor boy alone. (LAUGHTER)

- Paul is just always there, and that was what's on the inside of my mind.

- Me pole dancing? (LAUGHTER)

- Weirdly, yes. It keeps me centred and focused on other shit. (LAUGHTER)

- How did you feel about that?

- He liked it. (LAUGHTER)

- I guess I liked it. (LAUGHTER)

- Look at his smile. He loves it. (LAUGHTER)

- Paul, if you need to get out, you blink three times. (LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

- More beautiful room renovations await,

but first, transform your life by watching some inspiring ads. We'll see you in a bit.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster. Who will win a scalding-hot slice of tomato?

We'll soon find out, but right now, we are renovating rooms, aren't we, Paul?

- That is correct, Jeremy Wells.

Our contestants have 30 seconds of darkness to completely transform the Taskmaster lab.

Up next, his name rhymes with DIY Montgomery.

It's Guy Montgomery. (LAUGHTER)

- Let there be darkness.

(JAZZY MUSIC)

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHUCKLES) Oh!

Why, it's a regular farm!

What an incredible transformation.

You gotta moo.

- Hello? - M― You gotta moo.

- Moo.

- Well... - Moo! Moooo!

- Just another day earning an honest dollar down here

in rural New Zealand.

(LAUGHTER)

You can take it easy now, farm animals.

- How was that? - Well, I... You know, pretty good.

It feels different from what I imagined.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- I mean, we had no idea that that was a farm until you said, 'This is just a regular farm.'

(LAUGHTER) - Yeah, it does pay to say where you are sometimes.

- You said that it was different than you imagined.

- Yes. I thought it would feel a little bit more like a farm. (LAUGHTER)

- Who have we got next, Paul? - Well, she can drastically change a room with nothing but hersmile

and some power tools. It's Laura Daniel. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Let there be dark!

All right, let's get this party started.

(DANCE MUSIC PUMPS) Whoo!

Hit that beat! Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

Oh yeah! This is a sick party.

(IMITATES AIR HORN)

Ride it. Yeah. Work it, blue man.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, smoke.

What a transformation.

(WHISTLE TRILLS, MUSIC STOPS)

All right, cool. Shots on me, everyone. Boop! Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- There's actually a lot of impressive stuff going on there, but DJ Assmaster...

(LAUGHTER)

- I've seen the short film. It's great. (LAUGHTER)

- I did also ask for the morph suits to have the arse cut out. - Mm.

- But the camera crew weren't that keen,... (LAUGHTER)

...seeing as they were in the suits. (LAUGHTER)

- Should we have a look at another room reno, Paul?

- Here's the man I like to call Matt Heath. It's Matt Heath. (LAUGHTER)

- OK, Taskmaster, you don't like me; I don't like you; but you are gonna like this. Let therebe dark!

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Roll up, roll up... (LAUGHS)

for the most fantastic...

most spectacular show on Earth.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

Juggle.

Juggle, Paul. - I'm juggling.

- (BLOWS PARTY HORN)

MUFFLED: Spectacular!

Roll up, roll up. (LAUGHS)

(WHIP CRACKS) Yes!

Whoo!

(CHUCKLES) Bow. - Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Talk us through your thinking there.

- Well, you said you could juggle, but you didn't.

- Him not juggling was the least problematic thing. (LAUGHTER)

And, Matt, to be fair― I mean, what had that elephant done to you? (LAUGHTER)

- Oh, I was wrangling it. I was trying to get it to do something. I was on the trapeze.

- That's box swing. (LAUGHTER)

- I do wanna apologise to Matt,

cos I feel like my poor juggling ruined what would've otherwise been perfect.

(LAUGHTER) - Yeah.

- Yeah, as I say, pretty happy with that, so I'm looking forward to the points.

(LAUGHTER)

- I think there's one more, is there?

- There is one more. It's David Correos.

- READS: The most spectacular transformation wins. Your time starts when you say...

(SNAPS FINGERS) OK.

Can I say that last line, or will it start instantly if I say that last line?

- You can say it now. - I can say it now?

- You can say it now as part of the task.

- Oh, OK. Cool, cool, cool. - Yep.

- READS: Your time starts when you say, 'Let there be dark.'

No! I fuckin'― No, you did it!

You goddam...

did it! You did it! You did it! I told you not to do it.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

(LAUGHS) Didn't get enough time. I was― I didn't wanna revert to this, but you made me revertto this.

- That was genuinely a mistake. - No, it wasn't.

- You're allowed to say it once. I didn't... obviously explain that well enough to the lighting guy.

(LAUGHTER)

- OK. Can that count? Can that count as my thing? - Yeah.

- LAUGHS: OK, sweet.

(LAUGHTER)

- Are you happy with that? - This is all I got. You tricked me.

- I mean to say the room is quite different. - It is quite (LAUGHS) different.

- It feels very different.

Shall we turn the lights back out? - LAUGHS: Yes, please.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Something strange happened there, didn't it? On a number of levels.

- It genuinely was not meant to be a stitch-up. Also, he actually had less than half the timein the dark.

He got naked in just under 12 seconds. (LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- This is tricky to score. I feel like David gets one.

(AUDIENCE BOOS) I know.

It was potentially the least spectacular, and that's saying something.

- It changed the vibe in the room. (LAUGHTER)

- It felt very different. - I heard that.

- It was one of those things where you had to be there to really feel it.

- I got a pretty clear idea. (LAUGHTER)

- I think we all did. - What I caught up there was a moment. TV's about moments.

(LAUGHTER) So why the fuck would I rob them of that moment?

(LAUGHTER)

- I mean, I'm competitive, and I'm out there for the points, but he makes a pretty compellingargument.

- Laura, I thought that yours was actually the most spectacular. - Oh!

- But seeing as you think that David has been hard done by, I'm happy to reverse it.

- (STAMMERS) (LAUGHTER)

- If you feel like you need to give him your points, you're more than welcome at this moment.

- (STAMMERS) (LAUGHTER)

- Two points for you, Matt. - MATT: What?

- Yeah, I gotta work with you. That was not good. - That was spectacular!

- And then I think Guy with three, Urzila with four cos I kinda feel sorry for Paul,

and then I think five, but you're more than happy to give them to David.

- I mean, it was your decision, so we just... (STAMMERS) (LAUGHTER

- Yeah, yeah. - LAUGHS: Well, at the time...

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Yeah.

- I cannot get enough of these tasks.

The good news is there are a bunch more coming up right after these messages.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster,

the show where people are taking off their clothes to win a picture of me with my clothesoff.

Paul, I believe you have another one of your beloved tasks for me.

- I sure do, Jeremy Wells. And this one has all the components of a classic task ―

a fake Greek-style plinth and a 1-litre bottle of sunscreen.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

- Do I need to pick this up? - You don't have to.

(LAUGHTER)

- Hello, Paul.

- Morning.

- How are you? - Good, thank you.

- Oh, this isn't part of the task, is it? - No.

- This has got trash in it. Can't be too safe.

(LAUGHTER)

- READS: 'Squirt the sunscreen the furthest.'

- 'You have one attempt. Your time starts now.'

- How much time? - As much as you need to get a good squirt.

Please squirt it from the pillar. And you can't move the pillar.

- Doesn't seem especially time-sensitive.

(APPLAUSE)

- Now, Paul, I couldn't help but notice that David picked up a pot. - That is correct.

David did pick up Guy's pot with his Brussels sprout.

However, for all we know, it is currently still floating in a small teacup boat.

- OK, that's very foreboding. (LAUGHTER)

I am, however, extremely intrigued to see some sunblock get squirted,

so let's focus on that for the meantime.

- Let's start with Matt and Guy Mont... (SINGS) '...gomery'. OK. (LAUGHTER)

- It's just some sunscreen, right? - Yeah.

- So I could dilute the sunscreen a little bit to make more squirty. - Possibly, yeah.

- Do I get a clearance squirt? - As long as your one squirt is on here.

(LAUGHTER)

- But I can do a squirt this way? - As long as it doesn't get on the plastic.

- That's not a squirt yet.

Was it? - Did that squirt? - Nah, that splashed.

- I'm just looking at the definition of 'squirt'. - OK.

- Oh no!

(LAUGHTER)

- Squirt.

Spurt?

Splash.

- Is splash in there?

Oh. That's damning.

- (LAUGHS SOFTLY)

- You happy with that? - Not overly.

- 31cm. - I'm happy with that.

- 1.09m.

- (SIGHS)

- I-I think it's gonna be hard to do less than 30cm for anyone.

- OK. - Yeah.

- You know what they say, Paul.

- What do they say?

- Fuck.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, Matt had 31cm.

And Guy had 1.09m.

- Guy was going for a clearance squirt.

But all you needed to do was take the sunscreen away from the plinth.

- Oh, what an incredible idea, Jeremy. (LAUGHTER)

Look, obviously, I'm not happy with it. It was a disaster. (LAUGHTER)

- Well, it was better than Matt's. - Yeah, but mine― mine wasn't any― mine― I didn't even doanything.

I was just getting it ready. - That's a different type of clearance squirt.

(LAUGHTER) - I didn't mean for it to go.

- No one evermeansfor that to happen; it just does. (LAUGHTER)

- Let's roll straight into another one. - OK. Here's Laura Daniel.

- Um...

Something heavy.

Real force.

This little hand thing.

(UPBEAT ACTION MUSIC)

OK, ready?

- Yup. - Do you wanna give me a countdown?

- When do you want the countdown to start from? - Three.

- OK.

- I'll count you down, and then you count me down. - OK.

- Three, two, one.

- Three, two,

one.

(LAUGHTER)

- There's a dot there. - Yeah.

On to the bit of plastic. - Yo! Yo! Yo! Can I get a close-up?

What do you call that?

- Sunscreen. Some sunscreen has ridden this piece of plastic.

(UPBEAT ACTION MUSIC CONTINUES)

2.39m.

- Yeah, baby. Come on.

Ye-yeah.

- Do you think anyone's gonna beat that? - Nope.

(LAUGHTER)

Maybe if they got a metal mug.

(LAUGHTER)

Maybe.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, you went away and got something big and heavy. You came back with a plastic cup.

(LAUGHTER)

- It was, like, in a, like, picnic basket that looked like one of those camping mugs that wasaluminium.

(LAUGHTER)

- You did OK in the end. - Yes, so a tiny speck on sunscreen rode a broken piece of themug

and flew on to the tarpaulin. 2.39m.

- So far, Laura's been the best squirter. - URZILA: Yes! Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

- Who else have we got, Paul? - Yet another solo effort this time from David Correos.

- Am I allowed to mix it with other stuff inside here? - I reckon.

- Fuck yes.

I got this.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

This is fun.

I also need a knife.

(QUIRKY MUSIC CONTINUES)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

What do you think, Paul? - I think it's ready. - I think it's ready, eh.

Sweet as. I'm excited. - Yeah.

- (BLOWS)

- So, what are you doing here? - I'm diluting it.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTS)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

Still terrible. Still thick.

- Just don't squirt any on to the... - Yeah, I'll try not to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

- So, are you kinda drinking that? - Mm.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

That didn't squirt!

No, that did not squirt. That was my mouth.

- How did it come out of your mouth?

- Kinda... (IMITATES SPITTING LOUDLY)

(SIGHS)

Oh, fuck, are you serious? Can we get a playback?

- Well, uh, yeah, we filmed it, but it definitely looked like it just squirted out of your mouth.

(LAUGHTER)

- ROARS: Oh!

(ROARS)

(ROARS)

GROANS LOUDLY: Oh!

- 1.27m.

(LAUGHTER)

- I feel so hollow inside right now.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

So I was gonna squirt it on to the top. It was gonna be like a hydroslide.

- He tested it multiple times with water, and the water was going quite far.

- Right. - It was working!

- Did you let him have a go afterwards? - No.

- Despite his clear pain, he actually did manage a respectable 1.27m,

which puts him ahead of both Guy and Matt. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Um, I saw him muckin' around with a pot. (LAUGHTER)

- Yes. - Didn't look especially relevant to the noodle thing.

- So, David did fling a Brussels sprout out of a pot.

At this point, it had been floating for three days, 22 hours and 27 minutes.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Pretty long.

- And what about Laura's?

- Well, Laura's remained floating for the rest of the shoot and is currently still floating today.

(LAUGHTER) So Laura remains in the lead at 74 days, three hours and 48 minutes.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Four points to Guy. Five points to Laura. (APPLAUSE)

- Sorry. - It's all good. I'm sorry about what happened to you.

(LAUGHTER) That sunscreen stuff, that was a disaster.

(LAUGHTER)

- Now that that's done and dusted, Laura, you have the longest sunscreen so far.

Have we got anyone left? - We have one person left ― the wonderful Urzila Carlson.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- For one go? - Yeah.

- And it has to be on here? - Yeah. - OK.

(LAUGHTER)

- 6.12m.

- Personal best.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Thank you, Urzila.

- If you need me to bash anything else, I'm here for ya. - OK.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- There's a lesson here for everyone ― sometimes the key is not fucking around.

(LAUGHTER)

- It was a hot day. I tried to get the camera crew out of the sun.

There was only the one bottle of sunscreen, and we're like, 'Let's fuckin' go, boys.'

(LAUGHTER)

- So clear winner, clearly. - A clear winner with 6m and 12 cm.

- There we go. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, one point for Matt. Two points for Guy. Three points for David.

Four points for Laura. And five points for Urzila. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- But wait ― there's another task which is coming up after the break.

We'll see you very soon. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back. It's the final part of Taskmaster.

There's a David Correos mask smeared in Deep Heat to be won, and tensions could not be higher.

Paul, a score update, please.

- Currently, it's a tie. Both on 16 points, it's Laura and Urzila.

- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Boss girl.

- All right, enough numbers. Let's head to the stage for the final task of the show.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

This, Paul, is a live task very dear to my heart,

so please choose someone dear to my heart to read it out.

- Let's go with the person who is physically closest to your heart, Urzila Carlson.

- There we go, Dubs. Hey?

OK. (READS) 'Using your electric toothbrushes, paint a portrait of Jeremy's mother.

'You have 200 seconds during which Jeremy will describe his mother. Most beautiful portraitwins.'

- So you guys can paint the portrait, and I'll just give you descriptions as we go.

- Both toothbrushes must be on. (TOOTHBRUSHES WHIRR)

Artists ready? - ALL: Yes.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

- My mother is a beautiful woman of 78.

But she looks much younger than that.

She is simultaneously sweet

and stern. (LAUGHTER)

She gave birth breech to two 9-pound babies in the 1970s. - URZILA: Oh wow.

- Vaginally. (LAUGHTER)

She played goal defence for the Auckland netball team in the 1960s.

- So she's a lesbian? (LAUGHTER)

Did she cry black tears at any point during your life? (LAUGHTER)

- 40 seconds left.

- She wears a size 8½ shoe.

- 20 seconds.

- Her favourite food is ginger crunch.

- (LAUGHS)

- Eight seconds.

- She hates me. (LAUGHTER)

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

Brushes down. (APPLAUSE)

OK. Jeremy, whose portrait would you like to see first?

- Urzila. - Oh, Jeremy.

(LAUGHTER)

- (LAUGHS)

- I think I really captured your mother.

- (LAURA LAUGHS)

- As you can see, she's a strong woman.

Beautiful, soulful eyes. (LAUGHTER)

I think it would really capture her a bit more if I knew her name. - Sheryl.

- Yeah. This looks like a Sheryl. Hard out. (LAUGHTER)

Is she a West Auckland woman? Cos I've seen this one at Countdown. (LAUGHTER)

- OK, Matt. - OK, this is my Sheryl.

(LAUGHTER)

There's been a bit of run― running. (LAUGHTER)

- OK, Laura.

- Yeah. Hear that? - Oh.

- Amazement. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHTER)

- OK. That's nice. I think that's quite lovely. - Yeah.

- OK. I look forward to seeing Guy's.

- Thanks, Jeremy. I look forward to sharing it with you. (LAUGHTER)

So, at the end, I was going to write 'smart',

but Paul blew his little whistle, so instead I've got an acronym.

Sheryl.

Mum.

Awesome. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- David. - DAVID: Hello.

(LAUGHTER) - Oh! - LAURA: Ooh!

- I tried to capture her age with a little bit of, like, the neck coming forward,

looking like she's lived. And then I drew some nana pants.

- It's not a bad effort. All right. Everyone come down, and let's judge them.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back. Some of those portraits were brilliant; some were absolutely terrifying.

I may as well start at the bottom. Urzila, one point for you. (LAUGHTER)

Matt,... - Mm-hm. - ...yours was also terrifying.

You had the issues with the running down as well, so two for you, Matt. - Oh!

- David, yours looked a little bit too much like me and was a bit terrifying for me,

but still a good picture, but three points for you.

And then, Guy, yours and Laura's were both lovely, actually.

I'm gonna go with Laura just because of the love hearts. So Laura gets five. Guy, you getfour.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Which means that the winner for tonight's episode with a whopping 21 points ―

Laura Daniel. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Congratulations, Laura Daniel. Head up and collect your hot things,

and please be careful with that tomato slice, cos I'm sure that is super-hot.

It's been a night of human achievement.

We've seen a Brussels sprout practically enter space.

We sent some sunscreen about 30cm across a tarpaulin.

And most important, we sent Laura Daniel to the winner's podium for episode two.

Thank you for watching, and we'll see you at the same time next week. Goodnight.

- It's frozen. It's cold. - (URZILA LAUGHS)

- Don't put that on. - No, no, no!

No! (LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Sup?

- Gidday.

- I only nut once, never twice.

- (GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

- You have gone towaytoo much effort there for that. (LAUGHTER)