Original subtitles

Boss?

Sir?

There's trouble on Earth.

So what else is new?

But this time we might be able to help.

Take a look.

See that couple down there?

Oh yes.

Nice people.

Let's send an angel to help.

But sir, the only one available is Gabriel.

And you took his wings away after the messy course last time.

Well, send him down and maybe he'll earn his wings back.

But you know what kind of chaos here cause.

Solving this kind of problem is never easy.

You know what they say.

If you want to make an omelet, you have to crack some eggs.

This is the story of a couple.

Bill Andrews and Carol Griffiths.

Who have come to family court, like so many other couples today,

to settle their problems in a mature and peaceful fashion.

I hate him!

You stupid, lying bitch!

Shut

up!

This is enough!

Clear the court!

Let's go!

Let's go!

Carol!

Carol!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Now I can understand the explosive nature of a palimony case.

I mean, when a couple has lived together for three years, as so as you,

Bill Andrews, and you, Carol Griffiths, have, and have not gotten married,

dividing the property in a just and equitable manner can be quite difficult.

So you decide to sue each other.

Not for alimony, but for palimony.

Yes, palimony.

It's a word these days that is found on everybody's lips.

Look at her, so smug.

What did I ever see in that witch?

How could I ever have loved that monster?

That bitch!

That turd!

In view of the turmoil that this case is causing, and the new legal territories

which must be explored, I would like to meet

with the complainants privately, in my chambers.

This court is a joint.

Mr. Andrews and Miss Griffiths, would you mind if a

couple of my associates sat in on our little talk?

I'd like to meet a couple of people that have the same problems you have.

This is Cindy, and this is Thud.

Cindy, Thud, you know Bill and Carol?

Do you like them?

I think she's pretty.

Can I go back in my drawer now?

Thud!

Wouldn't you mind telling us a little about yourselves?

Oh God, not this again!

I'm an associate with the legal firm of Crum & Scrum.

I received my master's in psychology, and I

coordinate the firm's dealings in investment banking.

Hey, Carol?

Hmm?

Nice tits.

Mmm.

I have a fine job.

With a great deal of respect.

And a great deal of responsibility.

Besides being an inventor...

...of several patented techniques to make chickens lay more eggs, I'm a highly

respected expert at the delicate task of egg handling.

Oh, baby, don't look!

Andrews!

You are a shithead!

I remember perfectly how Carol and I met.

It was on a Tuesday.

It was a Thursday, Bill.

I got a call to deliver a truckload of fryer

chickens to the law firm where she works.

Crum & Scum?

Crum & Scrum.

I have an order here for 20 fryer chickens to be

delivered by noon today to Crum & Scrum attorneys.

I don't care what your order said.

I ordered fried chicken, not live chicken.

Now, I have 30 people coming today for a board

of directors meeting that I have to feed.

Now, just get them out.

Look, lady, I'll be glad to take them with me, but this is a COD.

I can't leave without the money.

So if you'll give me $72.37 and just sign here, we'll all be on our way, all right?

I don't even know what fryer chickens are.

Now, just get them out before they make a mess.

Oh, look, it's starting to make.

Look, lady, that's what chickens do.

Woo!

Woo!

So sweet talkin' girl, come along.

Singin' a song, oh, don't mess around.

You just got to be strong and stop.

Cause I really love you.

Stop.

I've been thinkin' of you.

Look in my heart and let love keep us together.

You, you belong to me now, ain't gonna set you free now, where those girls are

hanging around, talking me down, here with your heart and you won't hear a

sound, just stop, cause I really love you, stop, I've been thinking of you,

look in my heart and let love keep us together.

We didn't care about getting married, because...

We really thought we loved each other, so... We decided to move in together, and...

Boy, did we make a mistake.

Bill!

Carol!

Palimony is a concept that lawyers have dreamt up when business is slow.

I mean, I've been around a long time, and this is a problem of relationships.

What do you call it, palimony or separation?

Or divorce, or separation, and palimony, and divorce, or, it's all the same thing.

Your problems are the same problems that have faced us since the dawn of time.

Surely the cave woman must have suffered at the hands of a lust-hungry caveman.

I mean, her supple frame abused, her melon-heavy breast heaving in sensuous

delight, her lust-hardened nipples like two fine red bullets, twisted and bitten,

and making hot monkey love in the steaming swamps, and all the animals watching,

the tiny little possum, and the beaver, and the little ducks, and all the friends

of Mr. Goat, and them chickens were just...

You get the general idea.

I mean, try to imagine what it was like.

This was the time.

This was the time when man distinguished himself from the animals by walking erect.

Hey, Joe, Harry, Melvin, incredible.

Take a look at this thing.

How, how did that happen?

Caveman quickly learned to take matters in hand.

I'm having a little get-together on Friday, and you must attend.

Sure, Rob.

We're going to have pterodactyl burgers, the worst.

Great.

Who are you tagging?

The same guy I saw you with at the tribal sacrifice?

No, Tyrannosaurus, right?

Oh, is he an australopithecus?

Oh, no, no.

Pig King, my friend.

Oh, Pig King.

I dated one when I first came out of the cave.

Well, he ruined me.

As man became more civilized, he recognized that his woman also had needs,

and finally gave her the satisfaction she craved.

Do it to me!

Do it to me!

This kind of cooperation led to great inventions, such as the wheel.

Macho!

Macho!

Hold on!

Hold on!

Hold on!

The wheel by itself proved to be a hard nut to crack.

So to prevent further mishap, they connected the wheel to an axle.

Yow!

Yow!

Yow!

What the wing?

What the wing?

And

then they invented fire!

Oh, your honor, you're such a romantic.

But, our relationship is beyond relationship.

Repair?

You mean to tell me that there were no good times?

Well, maybe when we first shared a house together.

I couldn't keep my hands off her.

I will, I will, I will, I will

Then stop, cause I really love you Stop, I'm thinking of you My

mind is on fire

Can you guess my plan?

Don't you lose

control Pop and rock my soul It's not up to you This is what I wanna do I

can scream, I'm alive I might be shot, cause I'm hot You can see just what I've

got For you it's all here Don't you try and stop me when

the heat is on Don't you try and stop me when So what

happened after that?

My wife taught me how to do this.

All he ever did was work on those stupid inventions of his.

Oh, I got news for you, sweetheart.

I was working so hard for you.

If those inventions had ever made it, we'd have made a million bucks.

Oh, Bill, you were working for yourself.

And your precious mother.

Oh, get off my back about my mother.

What has she ever done to you?

Why?

What she's done to me.

I can't hear the pleasure.

It's that you never stood up to her.

Well, at least my mother knows how to treat a man.

And you'll never be half the man your mother is.

I feel so humiliated.

Bill, do I really have to?

Please, Carol.

Bill was so terrified of his mother that he made me dress up like a Spanish maid

when she came to visit so she wouldn't know we were living together.

Just this once.

All right, Mrs. Andrews.

Hello, Billy.

Hi, Mom.

You can take your orders directly from me now.

When's dinner?

I'm hungry.

Get those bags in here.

Why don't you just tell her we're living together?

It would kill her.

Billy.

She's so frail.

Oh,

the place looks so much better now that you got the maid.

You must be doing well.

Oh, by the way, I know this will come as a great

disappointment, but I can only stay three weeks this time.

Uh, yes.

Uh, Mom?

There's a...

There's something I want to tell you.

Uh, do you speak English?

You should, sir, from the left.

Could you ask the maid for some milk?

Uh, uh... Carmelita!

Could we have some milk for my mother?

Milk.

Oh, el milko.

And warm it up.

Par favor.

I want to show you my tombstone.

I've got a few samples right here.

Oh.

Here's my favorite.

Mommy.

You don't think the color's too loud, do you?

Uh-huh.

I need an epitaph.

Something short, like, Louise Andrews died without grandchildren.

Mother, listen to me.

Carmelita is not the maid.

Her name is Carol, and she lives with me.

And we're not getting married.

Oh!

Oh, the palpitations!

Oh!

Oh, my heart!

Oh, living with a sermon!

Oh!

She's pregnant!

That's it, isn't it?

Oh!

She must be pregnant.

No, that's not it.

And this will calm those palpitations.

No!

Help!

Carol!

Help!

That showed her.

After that, she only stayed for two weeks.

The way you talk, you'd think you were the

first man and woman on the face of this earth.

Wouldn't it shock you to know that Adam and Eve had the same problems you had?

And they didn't even have contour sheets.

Eve really got Adam into trouble.

And it all began when they met at that singles bar.

Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Once, if Eve came along, that singles bar was no garden of Eden.

It was a real zoo.

And if you're human, it's pretty tough to get laid in a zoo.

No paintwork!

I know that, 2019, a toda!

Stayungkin Stay Nurse

Stay away Stay away Stay away Stay away Buy you a drink?

Beat it, shorty.

She's with me.

Yes, sir.

Come with me to the cuspa, baby.

So lonely here.

I'm such a miserable creature.

Look at the winged fowl and the things that creepeth upon the earth.

Having a party, making all that noise.

If only God would make me a mate.

Something soft.

Something warm.

Something more in my own image.

Something in your own image?

But warmer, softer, rounder.

You got it.

Not bad, on such short notice.

I think I'll call it woman.

I think you missed the point.

You prefer blond?

Fine.

A mate!

God has given me a mate!

My name's Adam, the creature that walketh.

I'm Eve.

What do you say we blow this joint?

I guess.

People in here are such animals, anyway.

Adam, go forth with Eve.

Be fruitful and multiply.

Is this fruitful enough?

I don't know.

How much is eleven times a pig?

Wrong.

You are to fill the earth with people.

Look, if you're confused, follow the example of the rabbits.

The best.

The best.

I'm the best.

I'm going.

I'm going.

So,

do you smoke after sex?

Gee, I don't know.

I never looked.

Hello, Stella?

Hold all my calls, I can't be interrupted.

What do you mean nobody called?

Well, if you can't hold my calls, hold my balls.

Everybody else does.

Where are you going with that?

You told me to file these briefs.

What do you want?

We're taking this suit to a higher court.

Everybody's a comedian around here.

I'm looking for Judge Floodwater.

You want small claims court.

He's three doors down.

Sorry.

What about your social life?

Well, we didn't like to party much.

We preferred to stay in our quiet little neighborhood...

and have philosophical discussions.

Like, for instance, the social significance of the 1960s.

Wow.

Look at my hand.

People were so aware.

People were so free.

Dope was so cheap.

Oh, are you dry yet?

Yeah.

Lay down.

I just want to try something here with... a little bit of...

everything... we have got.

No pastels.

Oh, baby.

This is gonna be the best damn body painting...

I have ever done in my life.

And I... I know that this will work like nothing.

Nothing.

Look at him.

It's perfect.

This is art.

Ah!

Oh, God.

Oh, hold me.

Oh, I feel so close to you.

Oh.

If we squeeze hard enough, we can fuse our bodies together into one.

Yes.

Oh.

Oh, this is great.

Why did they ever stop body painting?

I don't know.

Nixon, I think.

Why does it always have to happen?

Oh!

Carol, will you cut it out?

What?

No!

Oh.

Super glue.

Oh, shit.

We gotta get up.

Ready?

One.

Don't let... One, two...

No!

Oh.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

And I simply adore this neighborhood.

It is so lovely and the people are lovely and you'll fit right in.

And it is so quiet.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Well, look.

If we'd have gone to the garage and gotten a turpentine like I suggested,

none of this would have happened.

Oh, perfect time for you to go to the bathroom.

Well, I told you I was reaching for the John.

Oh, blame it on me!

Shh!

Just act natural.

Right.

How do?

Hi.

Come on, Carol.

It's only another two and a half miles to the hospital.

Hang in.

Look, Mabel.

She uses the same brand tampon that you do.

Then, remember at the hospital when the nurse asked us if we wanted to split up?

Damon!

I don't think we can hold them off.

Damon!

Sorry.

Old war wound.

Korea.

You're in Korea?

Yeah.

I bought this suit there.

Like it?

See, I've met this Korean bimbo.

But you don't want to hear about that.

I got this rash here.

Do you know anything about rashes, Carol?

Your Honor, I think we're here to talk about us.

Actually, there's something I meant to ask you kids.

Do you ever think about getting married?

Actually, Bill and I talked about getting married.

But his answer was always the same.

No!

No!

No!

No!

I always used to dream about my wedding.

I knew exactly how I wanted it to be.

Down to the last detail.

Since it was just in my imagination, it was the most beautiful wedding ever.

I'm cool, not a fool.

I'm the best there is.

When I walk down the street, nobody else exists.

If I'm at a party, best forget your lady.

Cause it's for the women that God didn't make me.

I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

My wang, you rang, it's as big as a tree.

No woman alive could ever make me drop.

Cause when I break them open, you can hear them pop.

They say he's cool, but he's nobody funny.

He owns the women from here to China.

Good night.

Treats them like dirt, then he walks away.

Check that out, baby.

Nobody knows how he got this way.

Ha!

I was eatin' at the club on a Saturday night

when this lady left a man and I had to fight.

It was over in a second when I put the sucker out

and just for good measure landed one in her jaw.

86 that place with the cops on my tail.

I pulled out my ring, a revolver, no way I'd go to jail.

We were screamin' down the street, shootin' at the lights.

Then I shot him in the engine and I said, good night.

So we didn't get married.

We did have sort of a honeymoon.

I took Carol to a tranquil, secluded beach where we

could discuss the more private parts of our relationship.

Take your top off.

I love being alone with you.

It's great to be away from the crowds.

I can't speak for Carol but I certainly didn't let

the The crowd make me forget why we were there.

Take your top off.

What?

I said take your top off!

Thank you.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yes, I was sitting over there where you are, Carol.

Here, right here.

You don't mind, do you?

Uh, Judge, about our vacation... Oh, yes, yes, about your vacation, Bill and Carol.

The way I see it, a shared vacation can be an

awful strain on an otherwise solid relationship.

When Christopher Columbus came to America with Queen

Isabella of Spain, they had the same problems as you have.

As everyone knows, Columbus and his party travel in three small ships.

To Santa Maria, to Nina, and for himself and

his queen, to smaller, more comfortable Pinto.

Christopher Columbus!

You've gotten us lost.

All right, now, everybody, keep your eyes peeled,

because we've got to make a left turn soon.

Are you sure we are?

We're right on course.

You always say that, and I say we're lost.

No, no, no, we're not lost, Queenie, sweetheart.

I mean, I checked the globe here.

You know, there's no problem.

Are we there yet?

No!

Oh!

Oh!

Shit!

When are we gonna be there?

Can we stop and get ice cream?

I am not!

You are, Captain!

Hey, look, if you guys don't shut up, I'm

gonna turn around and cut off your goombas, eh?

I wanna play!

I wanna play!

Slow down!

We're in a school crossing!

Look, I know what I'm doing.

School crossing where?

Bunny has to go wee-wee.

I want Bunny to drive.

Bunny has to go wee-wee.

Chris, why can't your sailors take care of that before they leave Spain?

The wind and the waves finally deposited Columbus on the shores of the New World.

If you'd only listened to me and turned to Greenland like I

told you in the first place, we would've been here months ago.

Now look at that.

There go a neighborhood.

Shit.

The New World was fraught with danger, especially from the hostile red man who

threatened Columbus with great bodily harm.

I can take you to Indian massage parlor.

Pocahontas can apply buffalo grease to sensitive areas.

She also give them good headdress.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

New in town, sailor boy.

Hey, what's a that?

A flourish of horns.

No, no, no, no, that.

Oh, they're Indian Braves learning to hunt bear.

Ouch!

Ouch!

Ouch!

Ouch!

Ouch!

Now let's get back to business.

So what'll it be?

Straight massage?

Half and half?

Around the world?

Hey, wait a minute.

Don't you tell me about around the world, okay kid?

So this is what you do when I'm away, waiting for Columbus.

I was just establishing a diplomatic relations.

She's a princess.

I'm gonna beat you into the 17th century.

I'm gonna kick your ass so hard you'll have to look hard for real fun.

I'm gonna sit on your face and let you...

Well, Judge Gabriel, it wasn't our vacation that was the problem.

After Bill and I came back from Miami, things were okay for a while.

Then I began to notice that he had all these annoying little habits.

I always had trouble with him in bed.

And his friends were even worse.

Bill, why must you eat in bed?

You're always making crumbs.

Oh, Carol, come on.

It's one little peanut.

Oh, yeah.

What about yesterday?

Well, I don't know why you're so tight.

Have you seen my turkey sandwich?

Bill, how many times have I asked you not to leave the toilet seat up?

Carol, must you use my razor on your armpits?

Are you gonna be making that racket for long?

You know, I can hardly eat with all that going on.

Me?

Did you ever listen to yourself eat?

What's wrong with the way I eat?

It's disgusting, that's what.

Some people like the way I eat.

Name one person.

Face facts, Bill.

You're very often an inconsiderate snob.

I am not.

I just enjoy my food, that's all.

Hey, look.

Three more bark sops and we can get this flying saucer.

So I relaxed a little at home.

When we went out, I was always the perfect gentleman.

What about that employee's picnic?

You felt so competitive with everybody there.

You made me feel like a piece of your property.

I know how you feel.

What are you talking about?

You only love me for my body.

Oh, you're just being stupid.

Don't call me stupid, butthead.

Don't call me butthead, stupid.

That'll be enough.

We'll be late for my boss's picnic.

I know exactly what I'm gonna wear.

My new designer jeans.

Great.

The most sensible $150 I've ever spent.

Dig these.

Very nice.

Cute, huh?

Would you get me started with this?

Sure.

Okay.

Ready?

Yep.

Okay.

Boy.

While you're getting chic, I'm getting a hernia.

Okay, now, you ready?

Yeah.

Oh, Bill, that's much better.

Oh, it's really working, Bill.

Almost there, hon.

Good.

Okay.

One more.

Okay.

Ready?

Yes.

This'll do it now.

Really go.

One, two, three.

Oh, Bill, you're so good.

Bill, are you sure this is a good idea?

Crank it up, Lou.

I'll cover you on this.

Honey, don't stop.

Honey, don't stop.

Because of Carol's stupid jeans, we were so late to my boss's picnic,

I didn't even have time to tell him about my latest invention.

You're late, shithead.

You certainly had enough time to make a jealous fool of yourself.

I need your lovin'.

I'm yours to stay.

If you will lay my way.

Don't waste it.

Come on and taste it.

Don't waste a chance with my love.

Honey, don't stop.

Honey, don't stop.

Honey, don't stop.

Honey, don't stop.

Oh, the water feels so nice and warm.

Oh, shoo.

What is it?

That's too warm.

And now's the time you've all been waiting for, the annual Chicken Rodeo!

Ladies, if you will,

show us the strength and endurance of the Urban Chicken!

Jealousy has made many people jump to the wrong conclusion.

It seems to me that you have a deficit in the old trust department.

Nowadays, trust is the most important part of a relationship.

But love wasn't always like this.

During the fall of the Roman Empire, the barbarians who raped and pillaged the

Roman women just grabbed any feminine pedanti that happened to be fleeing in

their direction and kept them locked up in barbershops.

Hence the expression, barbarians.

The barbarians treated their women companions well.

Very badly.

Oh, it did not!

It fell off!

Ha ha, good boy!

Give it here, I'll throw it in the soup.

The tribes that were especially brutal to their women were the Visigoths,

the Ostrogoths, and the Mishigoths.

That'll be last time you'll drink white wine with roast beef!

But the worst tribe of all, the most vulgar and violent, were the dreaded Stooges.

Ouch!

Hey, Mo!

Spider!

Ouch!

Talk about Stooges.

That's just what Bill was for his boss, Mr. Pillay.

But I need more!

Hey, Shannon!

I mean, Bill!

Yeah, Farface!

I mean, oh, Clem.

This one seems to be having a bit of a malfunction.

Check it out.

Well, we'll have a look-see here.

Hold on, Susie.

I don't know what's wrong.

Never known her not to lay before.

Take it back.

And tell those hens I want more goddamn laying of eggs!

What do you want, Bozo?

He's going broke.

What is it with these hens?

They're not laying any eggs.

What are they, frigid?

Exactly what I'm here to discuss, sir.

I have an idea that should make each hen lay twice as many eggs.

What kind of idea, Bozo?

I'd rather not say.

It's rather novel.

Navel?

Chickens don't have navels, Bozo.

They don't have navels?

Well, how do their beehives stay on?

It's a yoke, sir.

Get out of here, shithead!

Yes, sir.

Yes.

Well, thank you.

I'm glad you like my idea.

I'll have a demonstration set up for Thursday's board meeting.

Get out of here!

Get out of here!

Get out of here!

Show us what you got, shithead.

Gentlemen, Mr. Quillet.

What I have designed is an audio-visual device which

should actually make the chickens lay more eggs.

Well, I think we're ready for a demonstration.

So, uh, okay!

Roll it!

My

little movie did get the chickens to produce more eggs.

But instead of laying them, the chickens got so turned on, they launched them.

It really worked!

I'm gonna...

Here, you shithead!

Get rid of all the kinky stuff!

Carol!

Hello!

It's good to be home.

Anything interesting happen at work today?

Well, no.

I was hit by a bus on my way.

And Senator Cogburn, he came into my office

and made me humiliate him on my desk blotter.

Listen, I've had a terrible day.

I wouldn't have guessed.

It's amazing.

You're like a sphinx.

I don't know how you keep it all repressed.

You must have terrible nightmares.

Oh, honey, you know the pressure I'm under.

I tried my demonstration for Poulet today.

They're still cleaning up the mess.

Hey, this is a new dress.

Listen, we haven't had a night alone in weeks.

Oh, you didn't bring home your work again, did you?

Every time I turn around, you bring home more of these rodents.

Have you smelled our bedroom lately?

Shh!

Not in front of the poultry.

It upsets them.

And they're not rodents.

They're fowl.

They certainly are.

Couldn't we just have a quiet night together?

Just you and me and the super glue?

No, no, really, Carol.

I've got to work on the egg inducer.

I just know I can get them to lay more eggs

if I start with them when they're this young.

What about that thing with the whipped cream?

You always like that.

Carol, you're in my life.

Oh, I'm in your light, am I?

Well, how would you like it if I got out of your life?

Oh, great.

Great, Carol.

Yeah, good.

Lay this all on me right now.

Go ahead.

Yeah, sabotage my work.

You know, you'd love to see me fail, wouldn't you?

I'm trying to build a career here.

Your daddy set you up for life.

My father couldn't do that for me.

You had everything given to you.

Don't mention my father.

My father is a saint.

Oh, don't tell your father.

Witness, if you will, a couple.

A couple very much in love and very much on each other's nerves.

The point in contention, disagreement over a man's job.

This sort of disagreement has long plagued couples throughout the ages.

Come, let us observe a similar argument...

in another day...

and another time.

You are going on a journey.

There's a signpost up ahead.

I feel a bad chill.

I feel a very bad...

We have reached our destination.

The days of old, when nights were bold.

And toilets weren't invented.

They left their load in the middle of the road... and walked right on, contented.

Look!

Yonder cometh the dangerous knife from the Black Castle.

Knife, fool?

It is the good knight... from the White Castle.

Sir Galahad gets a dragon bone with everything.

The French fight toad is for Merlin.

And Maid Marian will have it her way, or any way she can get it.

King Arthur and his lady, Queen Guinevere...

revolutionized the lovers' quarrel.

From head...

they pioneered the method that has kept countless couples... from breaking up.

The classic male-female fight.

There's nothing like it.

That be one shield down.

Now watch out for thy petty shield.

He'll turn my battle-axe.

brush my sword!

He'll watch me with his활.

Kill him!

Violent!

Violent!

He's… Thank you.

Oh!

Is that my sword?

Autograph model, sir.

Sorry.

Me too.

Yeah!

Come on.

Come on, let me see some blood.

Come on.

Flied, flied...

And the pulse is still ticking.

So Guinevere promised that she would use her mouth a little?

If Arthur would use his Lancelot.

I want to thank you for last night.

You were sensational...

I've never been in love before.

Mr. Pillay?

What do you want?

Well, I just wanted to apologize for what

happened in the chicken coop last week, sir.

I had no idea that the film would have such a profound effect on the girls.

That's not the problem, Bozo.

You got them so steamed up, why those stupid

birds want Friday night dances with the roosters.

Yeah, I had heard some rumors around the coop.

I may be wiped out!

I may have the solution to your problems.

Don't do me any favors, Bozo.

If this doesn't work, you can fire me.

I can?

You've got a deal, Bozo.

You've got a deal.

Gentlemen, I'm sorry I have to do this to you again.

But I have a deal with Bozo here.

He's going to show you this worthless invention of his.

And then, I do it.

And then, I get to fire him.

Okay, shithead.

Show it and we can all get back to work.

Just a minute, Andrews.

That's my prized Polish hen.

You damaged so much as one feather on that bird and... Don't worry.

I know what I'm doing.

So did Mussolini.

And look what happened to him.

Now, I've given... this machine the peculiar name of egg inducer.

Because it has the unique capability of

actually coaxing the eggs out of the chickens.

With this nifty little device, you get not one,

not two, but three eggs per chicken per sitting.

As opposed to the norm ratio of one egg per hen per day.

So now, I think we're ready for a little demonstration.

Now, I'll just set it here for a two-year-old Polish hen.

And... we're off.

Two eggs.

One drumstick.

One drumstick!

I'm fired, right?

No!

You're dead!

Men, kill him!

Mr. Poulet was a little steamed.

He didn't fire me, though.

A couple of other minor incidents necessitated a career change.

I became a cheeseburger.

Plastyburgers!

Get your mouths!

Plastyburgers!

They almost taste real!

Plastyburgers!

Get your mouths!

Plastyburgers!

You won't believe them till you try them!

The work wasn't so bad.

I mean, there were a lot of guys in my situation.

Morning, Bill.

How's it hanging?

Good job!

That was late again.

Kids, there's been something I meant to ask you.

What's that?

Recognize this man?

He owes me money.

That's what you wanted to ask us?

No.

I guess I lied.

What I really meant to ask you was... Why did you break up in the first place?

So you had a few problems.

Well, you haven't heard the worst of it.

It gets worse?

The real problems began when Bill lost his job and his self-confidence...

and he started accusing me of all these terrible things.

Oh, I did not!

She's a crazy lunatic.

You can see that.

I think you get the idea.

There was no more trust in our relationship.

Bill.

Carol.

Trust is a very unusual thing.

It's like earmuffs on a cantaloupe.

That's very unusual.

It's just what I said.

It's very unusual.

In fact, there's something I would like you to look at.

Napoleon Bonaparte was legendary for his lack of trust in his wife, Josephine.

He was obsessed with the notion that while he was out conquering the world...

she was hosting orgies back in France.

History was made one night when Josephine and her lovers...

feasted on a tub of baked beans.

And the whole thing backfired.

Oh, la, la, baked beans.

Chevrolet Cote de Ville.

Jean Cousteau.

Yes?

It's your own truth, Napoleon.

Scram!

The little runt is back.

And don't forget to hide the baked beans.

Yeah.

Come, Litz-Brellick.

Poo-poo.

No poo-poo.

What did I tell you, huh?

Come, Litz-Brellick.

Napoleon, you have farted.

It wasn't me.

It was the cat.

We haven't got the cat, do we?

It was me.

Sacre bleu.

It smells like viburnum.

Chemical warfare.

You nasty man.

I'm not Napoleon, but that's exactly what was happening between you and me.

What are you talking about?

I never did anything of the kind.

Of course you did.

I saw you with my own eyes.

I saw you.

Your faith in me is touching.

Works pretty well, don't it?

I used this once when I went hunting in Woolworths.

You went hunting in Woolworths?

What were you hunting for?

Bargains!

Got you on that one, didn't I?

Say, what the devil were you two kids arguing about?

Let me explain.

About a week after Carol and I had our big argument about my career...

I saw something.

You don't understand.

Let me finish.

I felt bad about the problems that Carol and I were having.

So I thought I would surprise her with tickets to her favorite opera.

But I was the one that got surprised.

I decided to follow Carol, but I didn't want her to know.

So I came up with this clever disguise that made me completely inconspicuous.

Despite my excellent camouflage, I think she sensed something.

Carol!

Carol, get out of the car!

Carol, get out of there!

Carol, what are you doing?

Get out of the house!

Oh, terribly sorry.

I do.

Oh.

Beat it, weirdo.

Just wanted to tell you the circus is in town.

Be at the fairgrounds, August 5th.

See you there.

Bruce, now how did he know my name was Carol?

I didn't tell you.

I was getting desperate.

Taxi!

I had to confront Carol at any cost.

Forest Lawn and step on it!

One minute, please.

Driver, do you see that suspicious-looking clown following us?

Yes, I do.

Can you do something about it?

He's been following me for days.

Yes, I can.

Let's go.

Faster!

How am I doing, lady?

He's gaining on us.

Who the hell is that clown, anyway?

Never mind, just car it!

Thanks for stopping.

It

was quite a chase, but I finally tracked her down.

Now we would see if there was anything left of our love.

Dear friends, we are gathered here today to pay solemn

tribute to a dear friend and colleague, Charles Coffin.

He would certainly appreciate the solemnity and quietness of this moment.

Let us bow our heads for a moment of prayer.

Excuse me.

Sir.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

What?

We've got to talk.

Here?

Now?

Well, what's wrong with now?

Now's as good a time as any.

Do you have any idea where you are?

Excuse me, sir.

Are you with the mourners?

Well, no, not exactly.

I, uh... Well, if you would just have a seat so we can continue the service.

Sure, I'll...

We were certainly taken aback by this most tragic accident.

You have been following me for days, haven't you?

Oh, you know this.

I'm sorry.

Why are you doing this?

Because I think we have some very serious things to discuss.

Here.

Oh, oh.

.

Will the gentleman in the third row please turn that thing off.

One minute, okay.

I just gotta find the switch.

Um.

Uh...

Here it is.

No, that wasn't it.

You think I like doing this?

Look, the point is...

Will the gentleman in the third row please let me bury this man?

I have another one to do today!

Hey!

Can't you see we're trying to have a conversation over here?

Go!

Carol!

Look, what I wanted to say... Oh, I'm trying to... I just want to...

Don't wait!

Don't wait!

Carol, what I'm trying to say is that... I think that we ought to get married.

Because I...

love... you.

Carol was a little upset after that.

So we sat down and talked it out.

And agreed that... perhaps, temporarily, I should move out of the house.

Get out of here, you moron!

What are you...

I'm leaving!

I'm so glad you reconsidered.

You'll adore this neighborhood.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh!

Oh!

I wasn't gonna moon about it.

I started looking for a small place of my own.

Since apartments are so hard to come by these days, I

figured I'd better take the first place to come along.

Well, no visitors.

And no parties!

I'll take it.

No pets!

It wasn't so bad.

And after I got through decorating, the place looked really nice.

After a few days without Carol, I knew I had done the right thing.

Now I had the chance to date wholesome, well-adjusted girls.

Oh, Bill!

Like Muffy.

Oh, Bill.

What?

Hurt me.

What?

Hit me.

Bite me.

Spank me.

Whip me.

Take your belt off and spank me.

Punish me.

Teach me a lesson.

Oh, gee.

It's 6.45 already.

I had no idea it was so late.

Bill, please.

No.

It wasn't the whips and chains that I minded.

But when she wanted to strap me to a chair and make me watch the Phil Donahue show,

I knew it was time to leave.

I was enjoying my freedom, too.

I was enjoying my freedom, too.

Without Bill, I became the life of the party.

You have been watching the Champagne Hour,

coming to you from the famous Starlight Room.

And now, a word about laxatives.

I was meeting all sorts of fascinating men.

Hey there, good-looking.

My name is Len.

Maybe you heard of me.

I drive a Datsun Supercharged Turbo.

How would you like to come up to my apartment and jump in the washing machine?

No.

Maybe some other time.

Hey there, good-looking.

My name is Linda.

I'd love to.

Excuse me.

I noticed you were sitting by yourself.

Can I join you?

Sure.

My name's Myron Lunch.

I work for Ross & White, the accounting firm.

If you're not doing anything, would you like to come

back to my house and do some really serious fucking?

I have a water pick.

It's real good.

Everybody, shut up!

Shut up!

It's 6.01.

Happy hour's over.

Just shut up!

You heard me, lady.

If you want to be happy, go next door.

Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

Hey, what's wrong?

You're not gonna believe this, but I think I miss Bill.

What's worse, every jerk in town either wants to take me

home or buy me a drink or put me through his washing machine.

God, I've been squeezed so many times, I feel like a package of Charmin.

Carol, come on.

Don't talk like that.

You're strong.

You can make it through this.

I have faith in you.

You know, Carol, you've got a great body.

Would you mind terribly if I stick my tongue in your ear?

It's sad when a romance goes out of a relationship.

What do you mean?

Never mind.

You're not much of a man.

And you're bad in bed.

Look, you've got nothing there.

You bastard.

You bastard.

Take that, you bitch.

Take that.

Bill?

Carol?

That's disgusting.

After careful analysis, I believe I finally understand the situation.

You hate each other.

Now, why don't you both return to your homes and get a good night's sleep?

Tomorrow in court, I will render my decision.

Any calls while I was gone, Stella?

No, Your Honor.

Just some crank telling me to hold his ball.

I mean, never mind, Your Honor.

Well, let me continue dictating on the Kornheiser opinion.

Yes, Your Honor.

Carol

Griffiths, the spirits of history summon you back

through time to stand trial in the eternal court.

Your jury, the great figures of history, will judge you not on the mundane values

of the New Jersey system of jurisprudence, but

rather on the cosmic universal wisdom of the ages.

Could I have a receipt, please?

Thanks.

Bill Andrews and Carol Griffiths come before the bar.

This court seeks judgment against the couple Bill Andrews and Carol Griffiths.

Of what are they accused?

Mr. Judge, I'd just like to say something.

Excuse me.

The members of the jury and everybody.

I'm Christopher Columbus.

How do you do?

The discoverer of America.

I just don't want to say one thing.

You know, we got a lot of very important people here.

Discoverers, inventors, people who did a very good thing.

But there's one thing we've all been amiss in all of our lives.

One thing.

And these two.

Ah, you're stupid or what.

You found it.

You got it.

You got the magic.

You got love.

Oh.

And what do you do?

You blow it.

Well, I just got to say one thing to you from all of us.

Why are you crazy?

Jesus.

That's all I got to say.

Thank you very much.

That's a good boy.

Emperor Napoleon.

Call your first witness.

What the hell?

Andrews, what are you doing here?

Come to think of it, what am I doing here?

I was in the middle of a dream with Linda Ronstadt.

Do you know that man sitting there?

Oh, yeah.

That's Andrews, the shithead.

He used to work for me.

Would you mind explaining what happened to end his employee with you?

It was on a Tuesday.

I've had it up to here, Bozo.

Are you paying attention?

Yes, sir.

Then look at me when I shriek at you.

What's the matter with your mind?

Somewhere else?

Are you having personal problems?

I heard it's that girl of yours.

She's treating Bozo like a dork.

Forget that tart.

There are 90,000 other clucking hens in the coop.

Mr. Pillay, please, do not call her a tart.

She's the most wonderful girl in the world.

We're just having problems right now, that's all.

Well, that's because you spend more time worrying about hen-laying than woman-laying.

You can't be quiet, can you?

Hey, watch it, shithead.

Control yourself.

What do you want to do?

Get fired over some half-wit tart?

Huh?

No.

No, I...

I guess not.

Thank you, Mr. Pillay.

What do you think of that, Mr. Pillay?

Bill, you mean he didn't fire her because of the egg inducer?

Say, ain't you Charles de Gaulle?

Witness may step down.

Call your next witness.

The court would like to call Lance Gredit.

Oh, God.

Lance!

I gotta stop smoking that scent to me before going to bed.

Monsieur Gredit, do you recall meeting secretly with that woman there?

Carol!

Oh, yeah, I've met her a few times.

Now and then.

Hmm, and, uh, can you tell us what happened the last time you met, huh?

Yeah.

We had lunch and cocktails at a sidewalk café a couple of weeks ago.

Well, Carol, I think I do know a few people who'd

be interested in what your hero has to offer.

I love you.

You've always come through for me in every way.

After all, what are older brothers for?

Besides, it's not just for you.

I've always wanted to invest in an egg-inducing machine.

I hope this guy is worth all this trouble.

He is.

He's a genius.

And that jerk that he works for doesn't recognize that.

But now with this money, he can do it on his own.

Okay, you sold me.

It's a deal.

I had no idea.

Witness may step down.

Why, thank you.

The prosecution may sum up now.

Take you, Bill Arndt, and Carol, the fifth of murdering your love.

The prosecution rests.

Thank you, Mr. Bonaparte.

Yes.

As the jury reads the verdict... Guilty, eh?

Very well.

Bill Andrews, Carol Griffith...

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury have found you guilty.

Guilty!

Guilty!

Guilty!

Guilty!

Guilty!

Guilty!

I...

Breathe 4 minutes.

No.

No!

Carol!

Bill!

Carol!

Bill!

How

can I ever ask you to take me back after all I've done?

Ask me to take you back?

It was all my fault, my darling.

No, no, it was my fault.

Oh, darling, you're so sweet, but you're wrong.

It was my fault.

No, no, it was my fault.

Oh, sweetheart, don't you remember?

I was the one who was wrong.

No, no...

Oh, sweetheart, don't you remember?

Oh, I've got to fight.

I've got my wings.

I've got my wankers.

Oh, I've got to fight.

They're back, back.

Oh, they're back together.

Thank you, thank you.

These things don't work.

They don't work.

Yes, they don't work.

Yippee, yippee!

Goodbye!

Goodbye!

Good luck!

Dreams of hate are such tough.

So Bill and Carol were reunited, thanks to the help of Judge Gabriel,

their guardian angel.

They soon got married.

It was a beautiful ceremony.

And they finally did learn to live with each other's little idiosyncrasies.

I was eatin' at the club on a Saturday night When this lady left a man and I had

to fight It was over in a second when I put the sucker out And just for good

measure landed one in her jaw 86 that place with the cops on my tail I pulled

out my revolver, no way I'd go to jail We were swimmin' down the street,

shootin' at the lights Then I shot him in the engine and I said good night Born in

the ghetto, now he's reached the top He killed three people, including a cop

Jumped in his chest and he blew you away Nobody knows how

he got this way They always ask him, how'd I get so cool?

He never tells them, do you think I'm a fool?

One rainy morning, I got shot in the eye My

head Nobody cried when they reported him dead

Cue it, cue it What you say?

Come on, baby Move a little closer You're right next to me, honey What you say, baby?

You make my fang rang You know that?

Yeah.

Oh, don't do it anymore.

They say he's cool, there's nobody findin' He owns a women from here to China Treats

them like dirt, then he walks away He'll never know how he got that way Ha!