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1
00:00:00,911 --> 00:00:03,545
I heard that it only takes 72 hours
2
00:00:03,546 --> 00:00:06,281
for people on reality shows to
forget the cameras are there,
3
00:00:06,282 --> 00:00:09,517
and I've learned
that it only takes 72 seconds
4
00:00:09,518 --> 00:00:13,287
for kids to forget a human
with ears is driving carpool.
5
00:00:13,288 --> 00:00:15,090
I took 100 bucks out of my dad's wallet,
6
00:00:15,091 --> 00:00:16,690
and he didn't even realize it.
7
00:00:18,127 --> 00:00:19,515
I just shut up and take it all in.
8
00:00:19,662 --> 00:00:22,097
Cool. So I'll sign my mom's name
on a doctor's slip
9
00:00:22,098 --> 00:00:23,799
and meet you at the mall.
10
00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:26,401
It's amazing what you learn.
11
00:00:26,402 --> 00:00:29,271
I've been recycling
the same tooth under my pillow.
12
00:00:29,272 --> 00:00:30,806
I'm up $34.
13
00:00:30,807 --> 00:00:32,307
I've got them fooled, too.
14
00:00:32,308 --> 00:00:34,943
I haven't taken a bath in a week.
15
00:00:34,944 --> 00:00:37,145
You're fooling no one.
16
00:00:38,114 --> 00:00:40,950
Most stuff, I let go,
but every now and then,
17
00:00:40,951 --> 00:00:43,586
you hear a piece of information
you have to get in on.
18
00:00:43,587 --> 00:00:45,554
I really don't want to go to school.
19
00:00:45,555 --> 00:00:47,359
Cody is gonna beat the brakes off me.
20
00:00:47,424 --> 00:00:49,925
Yep. And just to be clear,
I don't have your back.
21
00:00:49,926 --> 00:00:51,393
Dude is scary.
22
00:00:51,394 --> 00:00:53,229
If you're circling the drain,
23
00:00:53,230 --> 00:00:55,231
I better get to know my other brother.
24
00:00:55,232 --> 00:00:57,099
Dear Jack.
25
00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:58,515
I'm your big sister, Zoey Johnson.
26
00:00:58,535 --> 00:01:00,269
We met at Thanksgiving.
27
00:01:00,270 --> 00:01:01,737
Junior, you getting bullied?
28
00:01:01,738 --> 00:01:03,806
- Who's Cody?
- Cody Rakowski.
29
00:01:03,807 --> 00:01:04,974
"Rakowski"?
30
00:01:04,975 --> 00:01:06,909
You got a white bully?
31
00:01:06,910 --> 00:01:08,577
No offense.
32
00:01:08,578 --> 00:01:11,213
None taken. But F.Y.I., he's from Boston.
33
00:01:11,214 --> 00:01:12,648
Oh.
34
00:01:12,649 --> 00:01:15,918
Boston... yeah, the original
home of the scary white guy.
35
00:01:15,919 --> 00:01:17,753
Yeah, Cody's a real bully.
36
00:01:17,754 --> 00:01:19,955
He drop-kicked a janitor in the gut.
37
00:01:19,956 --> 00:01:22,224
Poor guy had to mop up his own vomit.
38
00:01:22,225 --> 00:01:24,126
Okay, son, so when Cody confronts you,
39
00:01:24,127 --> 00:01:25,828
you got a couple of different
techniques that you can use.
40
00:01:25,863 --> 00:01:28,931
First up is the throat chop, okay?
41
00:01:28,932 --> 00:01:30,166
Ooh.
42
00:01:30,167 --> 00:01:31,859
See that? See that?
He can't talk.
43
00:01:31,869 --> 00:01:33,669
Adam's apple's like
the balls of the throat.
44
00:01:33,670 --> 00:01:35,796
If that fails, always go for the groin.
45
00:01:35,798 --> 00:01:37,607
That's like the balls of the balls.
46
00:01:37,608 --> 00:01:39,375
- Ohh!
- Uh-huh. Look at that.
47
00:01:39,376 --> 00:01:40,743
Boom... right back up in the throat.
48
00:01:40,744 --> 00:01:42,979
Totally incapacitated. Look at him.
49
00:01:42,980 --> 00:01:46,082
It's okay, son. Just breathe. Breathe.
50
00:01:46,083 --> 00:01:47,929
Black-ish - 01x15
The Dozens
51
00:01:47,930 --> 00:01:50,398
sync and correction by solfieri
www.MY-SUBS.com
52
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,134
Hi.
53
00:01:52,523 --> 00:01:53,554
I've got bad news.
54
00:01:53,758 --> 00:01:55,426
Kim Kardashian stopped
messing with black guys?
55
00:01:55,427 --> 00:01:56,760
Worse.
56
00:01:56,761 --> 00:01:58,062
Zoe Saldana stopped
messing with white guys?
57
00:01:58,063 --> 00:02:00,597
There's this big white kid bullying my son.
58
00:02:00,598 --> 00:02:02,399
White bully? Easy.
59
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:04,062
Just go straight for the throat-balls.
60
00:02:04,136 --> 00:02:05,736
Right?
Everybody know that one.
61
00:02:05,737 --> 00:02:06,704
Mnh-mnh. He's from Boston.
62
00:02:06,705 --> 00:02:08,772
Oh, Boston does not play.
63
00:02:08,773 --> 00:02:10,708
- Mnh-mnh.
- Ugh, I had a bully.
64
00:02:10,709 --> 00:02:13,143
I'd grab his tiny head
and flush it in the toilet.
65
00:02:14,312 --> 00:02:15,613
Then he'd crawl around the bathroom floor
66
00:02:15,614 --> 00:02:17,381
looking for his glasses!
67
00:02:17,382 --> 00:02:18,405
That's classic.
68
00:02:18,450 --> 00:02:21,085
My bully was a Latvian exchange student.
69
00:02:21,086 --> 00:02:22,720
I'd give him a potato-chip wedgie.
70
00:02:22,721 --> 00:02:25,085
I'd just dump a whole tube
of pringles down his pants.
71
00:02:25,091 --> 00:02:27,592
That chip makes a nice jagged shard.
72
00:02:27,593 --> 00:02:29,227
Whoa, whoa. Hold up.
Hold up. Hold up.
73
00:02:29,228 --> 00:02:32,063
It sounds like you two were the bullies.
74
00:02:32,064 --> 00:02:35,166
Oh, no, no, no. They bullied us
by being different.
75
00:02:35,167 --> 00:02:37,554
Yeah, like how the native
Americans bullied my ancestors.
76
00:02:37,556 --> 00:02:39,338
- What the...?
L-look, look, look, there is two ways
77
00:02:39,339 --> 00:02:41,173
to handle a bully, all right?
78
00:02:41,174 --> 00:02:42,708
- One... beatdown.
- Right.
79
00:02:42,709 --> 00:02:45,510
Which, seeing that he's
from Boston, is not an option.
80
00:02:45,511 --> 00:02:46,912
Mnh-mnh.
81
00:02:46,913 --> 00:02:48,747
Two... talk about him till he cries.
82
00:02:48,748 --> 00:02:51,077
Exactly.
83
00:02:51,117 --> 00:02:53,085
I'm-a teach my son how to play the dozens.
84
00:02:54,187 --> 00:02:55,454
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The dozens?
85
00:02:55,455 --> 00:02:57,022
Yeah, you see, we come from
86
00:02:57,023 --> 00:02:59,554
a long, proud African tradition
of talking trash.
87
00:02:59,659 --> 00:03:03,963
Long ago, opposing African
tribes didn't actually fight.
88
00:03:03,964 --> 00:03:05,397
They'd just make fun of each other.
89
00:03:06,934 --> 00:03:08,367
Yo mama.
90
00:03:08,368 --> 00:03:10,436
Later, those same dudes
came across the ocean
91
00:03:10,437 --> 00:03:12,471
on something like "the Love Boat,"
92
00:03:12,472 --> 00:03:15,374
only no love, all Isaacs...
93
00:03:15,375 --> 00:03:16,646
pissed-off Isaacs.
94
00:03:16,648 --> 00:03:19,145
Eventually, they arrived in America,
95
00:03:19,146 --> 00:03:22,405
and the less-desirable slaves
were sold by the dozen.
96
00:03:22,517 --> 00:03:24,618
But they found a way to turn their pain
97
00:03:24,619 --> 00:03:27,343
into something positive
by making fun of each other.
98
00:03:27,388 --> 00:03:30,223
That's what we call "playing the dozens."
99
00:03:30,224 --> 00:03:30,991
- Ah.
- Oh.
100
00:03:30,993 --> 00:03:34,679
Through the years, our ancestors
found the comedy in pain.
101
00:03:34,829 --> 00:03:38,332
The trash-talking tradition
continued through the '60s...
102
00:03:38,333 --> 00:03:39,800
Power to the people.
103
00:03:39,801 --> 00:03:40,577
Yo mama.
104
00:03:40,635 --> 00:03:41,802
Right up to the present.
105
00:03:41,803 --> 00:03:44,071
I have no more campaigns to run.
106
00:03:45,340 --> 00:03:47,174
I know, 'cause I won both of them.
107
00:03:48,548 --> 00:03:49,609
Yo mama.
108
00:03:49,611 --> 00:03:51,062
That's the dozens.
109
00:03:51,246 --> 00:03:52,513
What? Come on.
110
00:03:52,514 --> 00:03:54,548
You can't use words on a bully.
111
00:03:54,550 --> 00:03:56,318
- Shall we?
- As the lord intended.
112
00:03:57,819 --> 00:04:00,007
Hey, middle-aged Jimmy Neutron,
113
00:04:00,055 --> 00:04:02,523
I bet you only cost
two packs of cigarettes in jail.
114
00:04:02,523 --> 00:04:05,325
Hey, Powder, how's that
cadaver modeling going for you?
115
00:04:05,327 --> 00:04:08,429
Oh, you so white, you the light
that people see before they die.
116
00:04:08,430 --> 00:04:10,665
You so white, Wayne Brady's jealous.
117
00:04:10,666 --> 00:04:13,501
You so white, you thought
Malcolm X was a porno.
118
00:04:13,502 --> 00:04:16,370
You so white, ghosts are scared of you.
119
00:04:16,371 --> 00:04:20,107
I see pale people.
120
00:04:20,108 --> 00:04:22,276
Hey, is... is that the phone
in my office ringing?
121
00:04:22,277 --> 00:04:24,578
I think it is. I got to go.
I got to leave right now.
122
00:04:27,082 --> 00:04:28,216
Whoo!
123
00:04:28,217 --> 00:04:29,918
Oh, Mr. Stevens, you laughing pretty hard
124
00:04:29,919 --> 00:04:31,219
for someone who looks like
125
00:04:31,220 --> 00:04:33,621
they should be sitting
in a tub in a Cialis commercial.
126
00:04:38,594 --> 00:04:41,730
Go back to making fun of Josh,
or I'll fire you.
127
00:04:41,731 --> 00:04:43,532
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
128
00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:45,867
- Let's all eat our fruit.
- Yeah, I'll... I'll do that.
129
00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:48,436
Mommy, where you going?
130
00:04:48,437 --> 00:04:50,572
Aren't you putting us to bed?
131
00:04:50,573 --> 00:04:52,574
Oh, babies, I'm on-call again tonight,
132
00:04:52,575 --> 00:04:54,109
but I'll kiss you
while you're sleeping, okay?
133
00:04:54,110 --> 00:04:55,437
Can you at least read us a story?
134
00:04:55,445 --> 00:04:57,146
Uh...
135
00:04:57,147 --> 00:04:58,748
Okay, but it's got to be a quick one.
136
00:04:58,749 --> 00:05:01,183
Um... Oh! How about some junk mail?
137
00:05:01,184 --> 00:05:03,886
What? Okay.
138
00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:05,888
This child's been missing since 2003...
139
00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:06,755
nope, not that one. Okay.
140
00:05:06,756 --> 00:05:09,024
Hey, mom, what's that word?
141
00:05:09,025 --> 00:05:10,359
- Oh.
- Abduction.
142
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:12,528
Uh... I'm reading at a 10th-grade level.
143
00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:15,210
Ohhh, isn't that cool?
144
00:05:15,265 --> 00:05:16,466
Wow.
145
00:05:16,467 --> 00:05:17,433
Okay, mommy's got to go.
146
00:05:17,434 --> 00:05:19,268
I'm good at things, too.
147
00:05:19,269 --> 00:05:21,288
I don't need a night-light anymore, mommy,
148
00:05:21,338 --> 00:05:23,206
so you can take it out of our room.
149
00:05:23,207 --> 00:05:24,440
Oh, gosh, I can't believe
150
00:05:24,441 --> 00:05:25,908
you guys don't need a night-light anymore.
151
00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:28,653
My babies are growing up
right before my eyes.
152
00:05:28,646 --> 00:05:29,880
I know.
153
00:05:29,881 --> 00:05:31,982
It's happening so fast.
154
00:05:31,983 --> 00:05:33,116
Don't forget to brush
your teeth. I got to go.
155
00:05:33,117 --> 00:05:34,451
- Okay.
- Bye!
156
00:05:34,452 --> 00:05:36,382
- Good night.
- Bye.
157
00:05:36,688 --> 00:05:39,790
So, I gave my son
the whole history of bagging,
158
00:05:39,791 --> 00:05:42,780
roasting, the dozens, so
he could deal with his bully.
159
00:05:42,782 --> 00:05:44,862
He really seemed to be soaking it up,
160
00:05:44,863 --> 00:05:46,601
taking notes the whole time.
161
00:05:46,631 --> 00:05:47,965
Hey, dad, this website says
162
00:05:47,966 --> 00:05:50,267
that home-schooling isn't just for weirdos.
163
00:05:50,268 --> 00:05:53,429
Hey, son, I'm telling you...
bagging will work.
164
00:05:53,572 --> 00:05:55,940
But what if Cody just gets
madder and comes after me?
165
00:05:55,941 --> 00:05:57,942
Everyone knows the rules.
166
00:05:57,943 --> 00:06:01,245
Look, if he lets words
get to him, then he's a sucker.
167
00:06:03,248 --> 00:06:04,715
I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret, son.
168
00:06:05,851 --> 00:06:08,119
I used to be a fat kid.
169
00:06:09,789 --> 00:06:11,723
I'm listening. What's the secret?
170
00:06:11,724 --> 00:06:15,026
The point is,
bullies used to mess with me
171
00:06:15,027 --> 00:06:18,257
until I got in that ass with some word-f...
172
00:06:18,464 --> 00:06:19,731
Never got in another fight.
173
00:06:19,732 --> 00:06:21,681
But I don't know how to be funny.
174
00:06:21,683 --> 00:06:24,102
Son, being different is the fuel for funny.
175
00:06:24,103 --> 00:06:26,305
And looking at you, you got a full tank.
176
00:06:26,306 --> 00:06:27,806
I guess the lesson started.
177
00:06:27,807 --> 00:06:30,124
It's like Obi-Wan
taught Luke Skywalker to...
178
00:06:30,343 --> 00:06:31,710
son, do you like being bullied?
179
00:06:31,711 --> 00:06:34,780
Now, look, you got to study your bully.
180
00:06:34,781 --> 00:06:37,116
Find his flaws and go in.
181
00:06:37,117 --> 00:06:38,717
All right, now,
there's several ways to do it,
182
00:06:38,718 --> 00:06:40,953
but my favorite is stating the obvious.
183
00:06:40,954 --> 00:06:42,154
All right.
184
00:06:42,155 --> 00:06:44,343
Look at this brother
wearing a striped shirt.
185
00:06:44,345 --> 00:06:46,959
- What's wrong with my shirt?
- Nothing!
186
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,929
But my tone convinces you
that everything is.
187
00:06:49,930 --> 00:06:51,798
Another version... the false compliment.
188
00:06:51,799 --> 00:06:54,358
- Oh, man, nice jeans.
- oH, yeah?
189
00:06:54,435 --> 00:06:55,635
Your mama know they missing?
190
00:06:55,636 --> 00:06:57,770
They don't fit her anymore.
191
00:06:59,039 --> 00:07:00,506
Alright, if you ever get stuck,
192
00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:03,076
you can go to my favorite... "you big."
193
00:07:03,077 --> 00:07:04,310
"You big"?
194
00:07:04,311 --> 00:07:07,847
You big crest 3D toothbrush-faced ass fool.
195
00:07:07,848 --> 00:07:10,550
See, got you. Your turn. Go.
196
00:07:10,551 --> 00:07:11,517
Oh.
197
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:13,319
You big...
198
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:14,454
Unh-unh. I don't believe you.
199
00:07:14,455 --> 00:07:15,822
Sesame street...
200
00:07:15,822 --> 00:07:17,055
- Not funny.
- Oh.
201
00:07:17,057 --> 00:07:18,658
Looking like a...
202
00:07:18,659 --> 00:07:20,159
- Mm-hmm...
- Like a...
203
00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:21,561
- Mm-hmm...
- Like a... like a nice...
204
00:07:21,562 --> 00:07:22,895
Say it. Say it!
205
00:07:22,896 --> 00:07:24,864
Comb?
206
00:07:27,135 --> 00:07:30,370
Okay, son, this home schooling,
uh, is online registration,
207
00:07:30,371 --> 00:07:31,771
or do we need to set up an interview?
208
00:07:32,709 --> 00:07:34,777
- Think it's interview.
- Okay.
209
00:07:36,410 --> 00:07:37,978
Oh, God.
210
00:07:40,014 --> 00:07:43,116
Hey, sweetheart. It's 3:00 in the morning.
211
00:07:43,117 --> 00:07:44,251
What are you doing?
212
00:07:44,252 --> 00:07:46,052
Just doing some light housekeeping.
213
00:07:46,053 --> 00:07:48,622
Can't sleep up
there when there's crumbs down here.
214
00:07:48,623 --> 00:07:49,623
Okay, sweetheart, it's time to go to bed.
215
00:07:49,624 --> 00:07:51,191
- No!
- What?!
216
00:07:51,192 --> 00:07:52,659
Leave the light on.
217
00:07:53,363 --> 00:07:54,563
Okay, come here.
218
00:07:56,964 --> 00:07:58,098
Is this about the night-light?
219
00:07:58,099 --> 00:07:59,460
- No way!
- Mm.
220
00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:02,202
If Jack doesn't need one, neither do I.
221
00:08:02,203 --> 00:08:03,537
Okay, listen to me.
222
00:08:03,538 --> 00:08:05,007
I am exhausted from work,
223
00:08:05,039 --> 00:08:07,274
and we we both need to be up
in a couple of hours,
224
00:08:07,275 --> 00:08:08,742
so we're gonna go upstairs,
225
00:08:08,743 --> 00:08:11,011
and I'm just gonna turn on the night-light,
226
00:08:11,012 --> 00:08:12,646
and then you don't need
to be scared of the dark, okay?
227
00:08:12,647 --> 00:08:15,015
I'm not scared of the dark.
228
00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:16,640
Why would I be scared of the dark?
229
00:08:16,718 --> 00:08:18,585
I mean, it's just
the number-one cause of murders.
230
00:08:18,586 --> 00:08:19,753
- What?
- The dark.
231
00:08:19,754 --> 00:08:21,822
But go ahead and turn the lights out.
232
00:08:21,823 --> 00:08:22,856
You're the parent.
233
00:08:22,857 --> 00:08:24,158
- Diane.
- Hmm?
234
00:08:24,159 --> 00:08:25,392
It's just science.
235
00:08:25,393 --> 00:08:28,695
The dark is the absence
of Photons... that's it.
236
00:08:28,696 --> 00:08:31,098
- Wait. So, there's no Photons?!
- Nope.
237
00:08:31,099 --> 00:08:32,538
- Where did the Photons go?!
- What?
238
00:08:32,540 --> 00:08:33,874
- Did they go into me?
- No...
239
00:08:34,119 --> 00:08:36,354
oh, God. I'm full of Photons!
240
00:08:36,371 --> 00:08:37,771
- Okay.
- I'm full of Photons.
241
00:08:37,772 --> 00:08:39,101
Okay, shh, shh, shh. Come on.
242
00:08:39,175 --> 00:08:41,076
Sweetheart, do you want
to sleep with me tonight?
243
00:08:41,076 --> 00:08:43,077
- Mm-hmm!
- Okay. Come on.
244
00:08:43,078 --> 00:08:44,511
- Time for bed.
- No!!
245
00:08:44,512 --> 00:08:46,246
Okay, okay. Okay. All right.
246
00:08:46,247 --> 00:08:48,816
Oh, gosh.
247
00:08:57,759 --> 00:08:59,193
Mom?
248
00:08:59,194 --> 00:09:00,394
Mommy?
249
00:09:00,395 --> 00:09:02,062
Mama?
250
00:09:03,457 --> 00:09:04,757
- Rainbow!
- Huh?
251
00:09:04,766 --> 00:09:07,601
What? I'm awake. I'm awake, sweetie.
252
00:09:07,602 --> 00:09:08,679
What's happening?
253
00:09:08,904 --> 00:09:11,205
So... Photons, huh?
254
00:09:11,206 --> 00:09:14,008
Huh? It's okay, sweetheart.
255
00:09:14,009 --> 00:09:15,343
Daddy?
256
00:09:15,344 --> 00:09:18,312
Hmm? Oprah, I... my wife's coming.
257
00:09:18,313 --> 00:09:21,273
Hey, guys, good news. Cody got suspended.
258
00:09:21,283 --> 00:09:24,252
Oh, wow, so it looks like
you have an extra day to live.
259
00:09:24,253 --> 00:09:25,453
Congrats.
260
00:09:25,454 --> 00:09:26,454
Hey, dork!
261
00:09:27,790 --> 00:09:29,157
My boy Cody couldn't make it,
262
00:09:29,158 --> 00:09:31,025
so I'm gonna kick your ass for him.
263
00:09:31,026 --> 00:09:33,194
How many bullies do you have?
264
00:09:33,195 --> 00:09:34,762
I mean, at some point,
265
00:09:34,763 --> 00:09:37,698
you just got to ask if you're the problem.
266
00:09:37,699 --> 00:09:40,468
I'm gonna beat you with one hand
and film it with the other.
267
00:09:40,469 --> 00:09:42,370
Come on, Tyler. Leave me alone.
268
00:09:42,371 --> 00:09:44,238
Oh. What are you gonna do?
You gonna cry about it?
269
00:09:44,239 --> 00:09:46,140
Come on.
Give me something to film.
270
00:09:48,410 --> 00:09:51,679
Study the bully. State the obvious.
271
00:09:52,555 --> 00:09:54,555
_
272
00:09:54,556 --> 00:09:56,069
_
273
00:09:56,070 --> 00:09:57,152
_
274
00:09:57,153 --> 00:09:58,420
Cystic acne!
275
00:09:59,622 --> 00:10:00,955
What? What?
276
00:10:00,956 --> 00:10:03,625
You look like you're allergic
to your own face.
277
00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:05,994
What'd you say, nerd?
278
00:10:05,995 --> 00:10:08,997
Don't be rattled. Remember your training.
279
00:10:08,998 --> 00:10:14,169
You look like you should have
a proactiv I.V.
280
00:10:14,170 --> 00:10:15,537
Just a drip.
281
00:10:15,538 --> 00:10:18,773
Like a constant drip
of medication to fix this.
282
00:10:20,977 --> 00:10:23,779
I mean, yo, how does just
your face have ebola?
283
00:10:28,152 --> 00:10:29,485
Yes!
284
00:10:29,486 --> 00:10:31,354
That was amazing!
285
00:10:31,370 --> 00:10:36,155
As it turns out, the roasts
are strong with this one.
286
00:10:37,497 --> 00:10:39,264
It might have taken Junior
287
00:10:39,265 --> 00:10:41,731
three years and four doctors
to learn how to talk,
288
00:10:41,733 --> 00:10:43,425
but it only took him two days
289
00:10:43,427 --> 00:10:45,570
to learn how to talk smack to bullies.
290
00:10:45,571 --> 00:10:46,805
You look like...
291
00:10:46,806 --> 00:10:48,940
like Stephen Hawking spots you at the gym.
292
00:10:50,476 --> 00:10:52,577
One more. You got this.
293
00:10:52,978 --> 00:10:54,445
Feel the pump.
294
00:10:59,685 --> 00:11:01,118
You look like...
295
00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:03,554
like your parents
are related to each other.
296
00:11:03,555 --> 00:11:05,723
And not like cousins, either,
297
00:11:05,724 --> 00:11:08,325
like you got one set of grandparents.
298
00:11:09,361 --> 00:11:09,994
Whoo!
299
00:11:12,330 --> 00:11:13,664
Ohh!
300
00:11:13,665 --> 00:11:16,370
Your breath smells like... Like slavery...
301
00:11:16,435 --> 00:11:21,772
like 400 years of hard slavery
inside your mouth.
302
00:11:21,773 --> 00:11:23,074
Whoo!
303
00:11:24,009 --> 00:11:25,610
My son? Where?
304
00:11:25,611 --> 00:11:27,612
Okay. Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can.
305
00:11:27,613 --> 00:11:28,847
Hey, I've got to go.
306
00:11:28,848 --> 00:11:29,948
Junior was sent to the principal's office.
307
00:11:29,949 --> 00:11:31,182
Oh, no.
308
00:11:31,183 --> 00:11:33,485
Did your son bully his way
onto a locker-room hook?
309
00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:37,322
Oh, hey, Josh, uh...
310
00:11:37,323 --> 00:11:39,290
Me and Charlie were
messing around the other day
311
00:11:39,291 --> 00:11:40,959
with those pale jokes.
312
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,460
Yeah, man, you don't look like
313
00:11:42,462 --> 00:11:44,830
the inside of Conan O'Brien's thigh.
314
00:11:44,830 --> 00:11:45,830
Ah, no worries.
315
00:11:45,831 --> 00:11:48,066
Didn't even clock it, bro.
316
00:11:48,067 --> 00:11:49,901
- Yeah, okay.
- All right, see you guys later.
317
00:11:49,902 --> 00:11:51,436
Yeah.
318
00:11:52,772 --> 00:11:54,672
So I hurried to Junior's school,
319
00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:55,974
where an exhausted Bow
320
00:11:55,975 --> 00:11:58,109
joined me to meet with an angry principal.
321
00:11:58,110 --> 00:11:59,277
I had you two come in
322
00:11:59,278 --> 00:12:02,013
because your son's been aggressive lately.
323
00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:04,215
He asked a student with a skin condition
324
00:12:04,216 --> 00:12:06,885
if he could get
half his face with anchovies
325
00:12:06,886 --> 00:12:08,853
and the rest with extra cheese.
326
00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,154
He said that?
327
00:12:10,155 --> 00:12:12,277
What? Who said what?
328
00:12:12,279 --> 00:12:14,492
Oh, my God. This chair's so comfortable.
329
00:12:14,493 --> 00:12:16,694
And that's why he's getting detention.
330
00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:17,896
Uh... detention?
331
00:12:17,897 --> 00:12:20,031
I don't... who cares about detention?!
332
00:12:20,032 --> 00:12:21,566
I finally got a son!
333
00:12:21,567 --> 00:12:23,101
Did you hear what he said?
334
00:12:23,102 --> 00:12:24,969
That was masterfully crafted.
335
00:12:24,970 --> 00:12:26,805
He didn't even say "pizza face,"
336
00:12:26,806 --> 00:12:28,792
yet you still knew what he meant.
337
00:12:28,794 --> 00:12:31,097
Huh! It's in the grain of the wood.
338
00:12:31,177 --> 00:12:33,712
This is a very serious matter, Mr. Johnson.
339
00:12:33,713 --> 00:12:34,946
Why are you dancing?
340
00:12:34,947 --> 00:12:36,381
Because he roasted.
341
00:12:36,382 --> 00:12:38,216
♪ Roast-roast ro-roast-roasted them ♪
342
00:12:38,217 --> 00:12:40,118
Your son was bullying someone.
343
00:12:40,119 --> 00:12:41,097
What?!
344
00:12:41,121 --> 00:12:43,189
Man, bagging ain't bullying.
345
00:12:43,189 --> 00:12:45,657
Where were you when my son
was actually being bullied?
346
00:12:45,659 --> 00:12:47,493
- Where were you?
- What I did was teach him
347
00:12:47,493 --> 00:12:50,428
a creative, non-violent way
to defend himself.
348
00:12:50,430 --> 00:12:52,464
Plus, he roasted.
349
00:12:52,465 --> 00:12:54,900
♪ Roast-roast roast-roast-roasted them ♪
350
00:12:54,901 --> 00:12:56,468
Look at that. I switched sides.
351
00:12:56,469 --> 00:12:57,669
Hey, hey. Junior!
352
00:12:57,670 --> 00:12:59,171
Good call on the detention.
353
00:12:59,172 --> 00:13:00,245
I'm sure it's well deserved.
354
00:13:00,273 --> 00:13:02,341
I also really want to make sure
that you understand
355
00:13:02,342 --> 00:13:04,176
that black people don't
just randomly start dancing.
356
00:13:04,177 --> 00:13:06,312
No, I mean this is... this is
a very big moment for Dre.
357
00:13:06,313 --> 00:13:07,880
♪ Roast-roast ro-roast-roasted them ♪
358
00:13:07,881 --> 00:13:09,715
- Okay, thank you.
- Whoo!
359
00:13:09,716 --> 00:13:13,816
Sweetheart, I fell asleep trying
to put someone to sleep today.
360
00:13:13,853 --> 00:13:15,521
I need to rest tonight.
361
00:13:15,522 --> 00:13:18,824
I found your old Teddy
and your old blanket.
362
00:13:18,825 --> 00:13:21,126
You feel safe now. I need you to feel safe.
363
00:13:21,127 --> 00:13:23,339
- You have to feel safe.
- No one's safe.
364
00:13:23,341 --> 00:13:25,695
- Night is coming.
- Diane!
365
00:13:25,699 --> 00:13:29,068
You don't need to feel afraid
in your own house.
366
00:13:29,069 --> 00:13:31,637
It's not like this is
the hotel from "The Shining."
367
00:13:31,639 --> 00:13:33,027
- What's "The Shining"?
- Nothing.
368
00:13:33,044 --> 00:13:35,441
Mommy's tired. Forget I mentioned it.
369
00:13:35,442 --> 00:13:38,244
Well, well, well, "friend."
370
00:13:38,245 --> 00:13:42,058
How does knowing how to read
so good help you in the dark?
371
00:13:42,116 --> 00:13:43,049
Jack, stop it.
372
00:13:43,050 --> 00:13:44,017
I'm just saying.
373
00:13:44,018 --> 00:13:45,118
You were the first to talk,
374
00:13:45,119 --> 00:13:46,519
you were the first to ride a bike,
375
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,738
- you were the first to pee standing up.
- Wait, what?
376
00:13:48,789 --> 00:13:50,957
Well, I'm the first one
not to be afraid of the dark.
377
00:13:50,958 --> 00:13:52,959
How does it feel, little baby scaredy cat?
378
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,295
Okay, Jack, that is not appropriate.
379
00:13:55,296 --> 00:13:56,496
- I'll say.
- Yep.
380
00:13:56,497 --> 00:13:58,231
"Little baby scaredy cat"?
381
00:13:58,232 --> 00:13:59,232
You hearing this, dad?
382
00:13:59,233 --> 00:14:00,433
Son, that was weak sauce.
383
00:14:00,434 --> 00:14:01,917
Jack, we're Johnson men.
384
00:14:01,969 --> 00:14:04,104
- We have a duty to be good at roasting.
- What?
385
00:14:04,105 --> 00:14:05,972
So instead, you should've said
something like,
386
00:14:05,973 --> 00:14:08,503
"nice glasses. You look like...
387
00:14:08,505 --> 00:14:10,310
like the world's youngest Librarian."
388
00:14:10,311 --> 00:14:11,645
Ohh! Okay, okay.
389
00:14:11,646 --> 00:14:13,046
Okay, no, no, no, no, you're not helping.
390
00:14:13,047 --> 00:14:14,881
Uh! I am exhausted.
391
00:14:14,882 --> 00:14:16,839
We need to get her to sleep, okay?
392
00:14:16,851 --> 00:14:18,385
I hear you on the sleep.
393
00:14:18,386 --> 00:14:21,455
You're so tired, you look
like... like you drowned.
394
00:14:21,456 --> 00:14:22,322
Ooh!
395
00:14:22,323 --> 00:14:24,992
Twice!
396
00:14:26,419 --> 00:14:28,353
You don't just have bags under your eyes,
397
00:14:28,363 --> 00:14:29,663
you've got... luggage.
398
00:14:31,199 --> 00:14:32,666
Samsonite!
399
00:14:32,667 --> 00:14:34,635
Gimme three times!
400
00:14:34,636 --> 00:14:36,003
One, two, three.
401
00:14:36,004 --> 00:14:37,971
Why are you doing this?!
402
00:14:37,973 --> 00:14:40,541
Bow, this is the dozens, all right?
403
00:14:40,543 --> 00:14:42,935
We come from a long,
proud African tradition of...
404
00:14:42,937 --> 00:14:45,180
Men who don't sleep with their wives?
405
00:14:45,181 --> 00:14:47,849
All right, buddy, come here.
Let me talk to you about timing.
406
00:14:47,850 --> 00:14:49,351
Come here, come here.
407
00:14:49,352 --> 00:14:50,652
No.
408
00:14:50,653 --> 00:14:51,653
Mommy?
409
00:14:51,654 --> 00:14:52,988
No. No.
410
00:14:52,989 --> 00:14:53,888
- Mom.
- No.
411
00:14:55,745 --> 00:14:58,277
Hey, Bow. Hey, babe.
412
00:14:58,279 --> 00:14:59,680
No.
413
00:14:59,682 --> 00:15:01,049
See?
414
00:15:01,550 --> 00:15:03,488
See how cute Junior used to be
415
00:15:03,518 --> 00:15:05,353
before you taught him to say
I look like I drowned?!
416
00:15:05,354 --> 00:15:07,021
You're right, baby.
He shouldn't have said that.
417
00:15:07,022 --> 00:15:08,175
He shouldn't have said it.
418
00:15:08,177 --> 00:15:09,490
But have you looked in the mirror?
419
00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:11,225
- Fix him!
- Junior!
420
00:15:11,226 --> 00:15:14,362
Bow was right.
I may have created a monster.
421
00:15:14,363 --> 00:15:17,898
I had to make sure Junior knew
how to talk trash responsibly.
422
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:19,367
All right, son.
423
00:15:19,368 --> 00:15:21,269
This is the most proud you've ever made me,
424
00:15:21,270 --> 00:15:23,304
but I'm also disappointed in you.
425
00:15:23,305 --> 00:15:28,009
Son, you made the women
in the house cry, but...
426
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,433
You carried on my legacy.
427
00:15:29,511 --> 00:15:31,479
Those are some very mixed messages.
428
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,381
The point is you went too far.
429
00:15:33,382 --> 00:15:34,849
I'm just doing what you taught me, dad.
430
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:37,385
Look, Cody comes back to school tomorrow,
431
00:15:37,386 --> 00:15:38,920
so I did a background check on him.
432
00:15:38,921 --> 00:15:40,521
His dad moved back to Boston,
433
00:15:40,522 --> 00:15:42,056
and now his mom's on Tinder.
434
00:15:42,057 --> 00:15:45,460
- She's lonely.
- Son, slow down, all right?
435
00:15:45,461 --> 00:15:47,161
That's some deeply personal stuff.
436
00:15:47,162 --> 00:15:49,764
Look, man, I taught you
the dozens to defend yourself,
437
00:15:49,765 --> 00:15:51,265
not go on the attack.
438
00:15:51,266 --> 00:15:54,302
And you should only use this
on people who can handle it,
439
00:15:54,303 --> 00:15:55,770
otherwise, you become the bully.
440
00:15:55,771 --> 00:15:57,855
Believe me, Cody can handle it.
441
00:15:57,907 --> 00:16:00,074
And he deserves it.
He's made my life miserable.
442
00:16:00,075 --> 00:16:01,876
Fine.
443
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:03,812
Just remember you have a choice...
444
00:16:03,813 --> 00:16:05,488
you can use your gift wisely...
445
00:16:06,782 --> 00:16:09,450
or you can be like Darth
Vader and go to the dark side.
446
00:16:09,451 --> 00:16:12,520
Darth Vader didn't go to the dark side.
447
00:16:12,521 --> 00:16:14,656
It was actually Anakin
who went to the dark side
448
00:16:14,657 --> 00:16:16,691
and became Darth Vader once he was there.
449
00:16:16,692 --> 00:16:18,683
Dad, where are you going?!
450
00:16:18,685 --> 00:16:20,261
You should really watch the movies with me.
451
00:16:20,262 --> 00:16:22,630
You're gonna be extremely lost
when the new one comes out.
452
00:16:25,201 --> 00:16:27,472
You've come a long way, Junior.
453
00:16:27,636 --> 00:16:30,071
I mean, I've actually admitted
to people that we're cousins.
454
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,272
Wait, what?
455
00:16:31,273 --> 00:16:33,541
You haven't earned "brother" yet.
456
00:16:33,542 --> 00:16:34,409
Hey, geek!
457
00:16:36,345 --> 00:16:38,146
Hey, Cody, I'm here
to finish what we started.
458
00:16:38,147 --> 00:16:39,180
All of a sudden you think you're the man?
459
00:16:39,181 --> 00:16:40,089
'Cause you got jokes?
460
00:16:40,149 --> 00:16:43,218
I don't have any jokes today, just facts.
461
00:16:44,955 --> 00:16:47,490
Guess who I found on Tinder?
462
00:16:48,557 --> 00:16:50,959
Please. Please don't do this, okay?
463
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,060
Don't do what?
464
00:16:52,061 --> 00:16:54,183
Send a screenshot to the whole school?
465
00:17:00,103 --> 00:17:03,691
Well, tell us... who'd you find on Tinder?
466
00:17:06,876 --> 00:17:09,544
You know who I found on Tinder?
467
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,058
I found a...
468
00:17:12,215 --> 00:17:15,350
a bunch of girls
who aren't interested in me.
469
00:17:16,553 --> 00:17:19,855
And why would they be with these, uh...
470
00:17:19,856 --> 00:17:23,358
These, uh, linguine arms?
471
00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:24,693
Yeah!
472
00:17:24,694 --> 00:17:26,929
What do you cook these for?
Two, three minutes?
473
00:17:26,930 --> 00:17:30,199
I look like I should be
standing in front of a...
474
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,159
in front of an auto dealership.
475
00:17:32,168 --> 00:17:35,847
No money down on all 2014s!
476
00:17:36,006 --> 00:17:38,407
Everything must go!
477
00:17:38,408 --> 00:17:40,810
No credit, no problem!
478
00:17:42,946 --> 00:17:45,681
Dude, that was pretty classy.
479
00:17:45,682 --> 00:17:46,983
It felt good to do the right...
480
00:17:50,053 --> 00:17:52,755
It was your mom! Your mom's on Tinder!
481
00:17:52,756 --> 00:17:54,090
If you love mommy,
482
00:17:54,091 --> 00:17:57,560
you will go to sleep tonight
without the night-light.
483
00:17:57,561 --> 00:17:58,861
And if you hate mommy...
484
00:17:58,862 --> 00:18:01,697
Actually, it's okay
if we use the night-light.
485
00:18:01,698 --> 00:18:03,175
Wait, really?
486
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:05,968
Yeah, can we also leave
the lamp on and the door open?
487
00:18:05,969 --> 00:18:07,331
Hold on a second. What's happening here?
488
00:18:07,471 --> 00:18:09,405
Does God listen to me?
Can you hear me, God?
489
00:18:09,406 --> 00:18:13,309
I may have tricked him
into watching "The Shining."
490
00:18:15,045 --> 00:18:16,746
Aaaaah!
491
00:18:16,747 --> 00:18:19,115
Your sister dared you
to watch "The Shining"?
492
00:18:19,116 --> 00:18:20,167
Yeah.
493
00:18:20,217 --> 00:18:22,819
So you are too scared
to sleep without a night-light?
494
00:18:23,718 --> 00:18:24,818
Yeah.
495
00:18:24,820 --> 00:18:26,020
Thank you.
496
00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:27,433
Mommy is gonna sleep tonight,
497
00:18:27,434 --> 00:18:29,175
and your brother
is gonna need therapy.
498
00:18:29,195 --> 00:18:31,461
You are a very bad... good girl.
499
00:18:31,462 --> 00:18:33,696
You and daddy give a lot of mixed messages.
500
00:18:33,697 --> 00:18:36,633
You're grounded tomorrow,
and I'm gonna get you a pony.
501
00:18:36,634 --> 00:18:38,668
Good night, babies. Mommy's going to sleep.
502
00:18:41,005 --> 00:18:44,173
Hey, sorry. Sorry you got Molly-whopped.
503
00:18:44,174 --> 00:18:45,441
Ah, but I'm proud of you.
504
00:18:45,442 --> 00:18:47,243
I'm not proud that you got Molly-whopped,
505
00:18:47,244 --> 00:18:48,478
but that you showed some restraint.
506
00:18:48,479 --> 00:18:50,146
I thought that you said I wouldn't get hit.
507
00:18:50,147 --> 00:18:52,222
Yeah, hey, man, Boston don't play.
508
00:18:52,249 --> 00:18:54,884
But it's very cool how you
turned the roast on yourself.
509
00:18:54,885 --> 00:18:56,252
Well, I thought about what you said
510
00:18:56,253 --> 00:18:57,948
about only roasting people
who could handle it.
511
00:18:57,955 --> 00:18:59,155
- Mm-hmm.
- And I knew I could.
512
00:18:59,156 --> 00:19:01,324
From all the years of you dumping on me
513
00:19:01,325 --> 00:19:04,394
at every possible moment.
514
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,396
Mm, you got thick skin. Just like me.
515
00:19:06,397 --> 00:19:07,531
Thank you.
516
00:19:07,532 --> 00:19:09,066
I just hope I don't get your thick neck.
517
00:19:10,668 --> 00:19:11,368
What, now?
518
00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,175
_
519
00:19:15,177 --> 00:19:16,511
_
520
00:19:16,512 --> 00:19:17,841
_
521
00:19:17,842 --> 00:19:20,310
Nice torso. What are you?
522
00:19:20,311 --> 00:19:23,413
Like a... like a fit model
for the Klondike bar?
523
00:19:23,415 --> 00:19:26,250
That was a good one.
524
00:19:26,250 --> 00:19:28,684
Standing over there
looking like a Black Grimace.
525
00:19:28,686 --> 00:19:31,402
Okay... You got me.
526
00:19:31,423 --> 00:19:34,858
Ohhh, you like that...
Spongebob Squareshirt?
527
00:19:34,859 --> 00:19:37,328
Hey, man. I said you got me.
528
00:19:37,329 --> 00:19:38,667
Nice smile.
529
00:19:38,730 --> 00:19:40,698
When did you start parting
your teeth in the middle?
530
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:43,567
You got a real mean streak.
531
00:19:49,908 --> 00:19:51,876
Raven-Symoné with a fade!
532
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,235
Hello? Yes, this is Dr. Johnson.
533
00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:05,704
No, no, no. No, I was not sleeping.
534
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:09,040
I'm at the, um... Gym on the...
I'm on the treadmill.
535
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,342
Okay.
536
00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,718
Come sleep with us.
537
00:20:18,719 --> 00:20:20,763
Come sleep with us forever.
538
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:31,372
I mean, you need to hang up
and call 911, for me.
539
00:20:31,373 --> 00:20:34,060
sync and correction by solfieri
www.MY-SUBS.com
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