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Just like the one that got away

So close, but yet so far

UP THE CREEK

I threw my hook into the water

I nearly caught her

How bizarre

Now I'm up the creek

Though I have lost a little pride

I'm up the creek

I know that time is on my side

I'm up the creek

Though you have pulled the plug on me

I'm up the creek

There's more than one fish in the sea

I'm not about to let it be

I know that I am up the creek

Hey! Hey!

The foreign legion's always there

I need a holiday

Daydream in the desert

With no pressure

That's the way 'cause I'm up the creek

Oh, I've lost a little pride

I'm up the creek

I know that time is on my side

I'm up the creek

Though you have pulled the plug on me

I'm up the creek

There's more than one fish in the sea

I'm not about to let it be

I know that I am up the creek

I'm up the creek

Without a paddle

I'm up the creek

But that don't matter at all

Don't matter at all

I'm up the creek

Without a paddle

I'm up the creek

But it don't matter at all

Don't matter at all

Oh!

Hey! Hey!

LEPETOMANE UNIVERSITY LAST CAMPUS

LEPETOMANE SECURITY

Excuse me, could you...

What a big nightstick!

Mom? No! Take me!

It wasn't Mr. Moo-moo. Don't wake Mr. Moo-moo!

No!

Okay, okay. How about lunch?

Gotta get lunch, right?

Max, it's five in the morning!

What about dinner? You gotta get hungry sometime today...

Hello?

Desperation's not pretty.

Cheese!

Hey!

See Jose run.

Run, Jose, run!

Jose has no green card.

It was open!

Get out of bed, McGraw, we haven't got all day.

The 200's out then, huh?

I've seen your record, McGraw.

I know what kind of a guy you are,

so don't give me an excuse to use this.

Your mother's ugly. You're stupid.

- Your sister makes it with... - You stinking...

Stop it, Leslie. Get ahold of yourself!

Don't let this jerk get to you.

Come on, I'm sorry.

Let's just forget I said anything, okay?

Let's be pals.

What do you say, Leslie?

Leslie!

Come on, let me hit him just once.

Just one little crack on the head, that's all I'm asking.

All right. Just a little one. But make it fast.

Hey, don't you guys have a sense of humor?

Get rid of the bottle, McGraw.

Oh, Leslie. For you, anything.

Come on. Come on.

Hey!

Dean Burch.

You've had quite a colorful career as a student, Mr. McGraw.

You've managed to be suspended, expelled, or physically thrown out of

16 colleges and universities throughout the country.

You've changed your major 23 times.

And your presence has been tied directly

to three university presidents losing their jobs,

two others being committed to sanitariums,

and at least one known suicide.

Have I left anything out?

Just the good stuff.

Mr. McGraw, as you are aware,

this university, our university

has the reputation as the single worst educational institution in the country.

That's because it is the worst

educational institution in the country, sir.

Do you realize that not one single student,

including you, and them,

has ever won any award for anything?

Not one ribbon, not one trophy.

In fact, the only certifiable recognition

that any of our alumni have ever received

is a parole.

Mr. McGraw, every year for the past 15 years

the colleges and universities of this country

have held an intercollegiate raft race.

If just once we...

I mean you

could win this race for our school,

it would mean an end

to jokes like "Lobotomy U."

it would mean that for the first time in our history...

Let me clarify my position, so that you can understand.

A raft means a river,

and a river means rapids,

and rapids spells death.

You got the wrong guy!

Not so fast, McGraw!

Okay.

You've got the wrong guy.

Excuse me, Dean Burch.

Um, I think there's another point that should be made.

I don't need this aggravation,

and this really doesn't sound like a lot of fun.

I'm damned if I'll let my university

be the laughing stock of this country any longer!

I want a victory with a capital "V" and I want it now!

No more excuses! No more holding back!

That's why I picked you. And them!

You have the distinct honor of being

the four worst students in the entire country.

You are not at the bottom of the list,

you are the bottom of the list!

That's why you're going to win this race for me and Lepetomane.

You're the only men who virtually have nothing left to lose!

Except my temper.

Mr. McGraw,

I'm not asking you to do this for nothing.

In fact, I'm prepared to make a very generous offer.

Degrees.

For all of you.

Degrees?

In whatever subject you like.

English lit?

If that's what you want.

Providing, of course, that you win.

Physics?

Biochemistry. With a minor in art history.

Home Ec?

And what if I say no?

I was hoping we could avoid this scene,

but since you feel the need to test me...

I suppose you know nothing about the student loans

you've taken out in 35 different names.

Or last semester's bookmaking operation in the computer center.

You think you can blackmail me

into playing this little game of yours, don't you?

Well, I got news for you, Mister.

This aingt just any dumb schmo you're dealing with here,

this is Bob McGraw. The Bob McGraw.

And it's gonna take men a lot bigger than you

to make this guy play ball.

How about Poli-Sci?

I don't believe it!

Bob, listen to this. She dumped me!

Aw, come on, Max.

Bob, she said she never wants to see me again.

Let me tell you something about women.

They always say the opposite of what they mean.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

"If you come within a three block radius of my house,

"I will have my new boyfriend Vito

"rip off your head and spit in your neck."

You're right, kid. You've been dumped.

Forget about her. Have a drink, huh?

The bar is now open. Cocktails, anyone?

- Banana daiquiri. - Martini, straight up.

Okay. Here you go, extra dry, just the way you like it.

Thank you.

How about you, big guy?

I'm all set.

Gonzer, do you realize what you're doing to your body?

That stuff's gonna kill you!

Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow,

but soon, and for the rest of your life.

Gonz, your body is your temple.

If you don't worship it, who will?

And, Gonz, your temple is starting to resemble the astrodome.

Hey, Max is right. Get rid of that shit.

Come on, Gonzer, show food who's boss.

Throw it out the window.

Gonzer! Gonzer!

Gonzer! Gonzer! Gonzer!

- That's the way to go! - All right, Gonz!

What would you like to drink?

- Let me have a Brandy Alexander. - Brandy Alexander.

There you go. Especially for you.

Gonz, you look thinner already.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Uh, look, Bob, I know we're not exactly the best.

As a matter of fact, we're not even very good.

But, uh, do you think we have a chance?

Everybody's got a chance, kid.

This is America.

Let's take you, for example.

Skinny, uncoordinated,

got a yellow streak down your back a mile wide,

you're anemic, you dress like a creep,

you've got the personality of a mayo and baloney on white.

You're the kind of guy most people wouldn't give the time of day to.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

- That doesn't mean... - Bob!

...you don't have a chance.

Look at me!

Gee, I never thought of it like that.

Hey, don't mention it, kid.

Oh, geez!

Gonzer!

Oh, man!

Gonzer!

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

It wasn't me, man.

Who was it?

- It wasn't! - Who was it?

It was Chuck!

Ivy U! Ivy U!

Roland Tozer.

- Rex Crandall. - Rex.

- Roger Van Dyke. - Roger.

Men, I have a lot of race preparation to do before tomorrow morning.

What do you say we just cut the bullshit and get down to business?

Standard race equipment.

Regulation handle, stock and blade.

With the exception of a little added feature.

Which is quite effective when it comes to

slashing the tubes of rafts without dropping a stroke.

-Impressive. - Adequate.

You haven't seen anything yet.

The Ivy U race kit.

Baby!

These ought to take care of any front runners.

Explosives!

Is this it?

Not to worry. There's plenty more back at my house.

What you cannot destroy or disable,

I will have my referees disqualify.

Good. Very good.

Here it is. $5,000 in hundreds, just like you requested.

Well, thanks.

Would you like the trophy now,

or do you want to wait until you actually cross the finish line?

What, and disappoint the crowd?

I can't wait to be standing on my deck

watching you come around that bend. Thanks.

Aren't you gonna count it?

What, distrust of an alumnus? Class of '63.

I'll see you in the winner's circle.

Thank you, sir.

HINEWILLE GAS - FOOD - BEER - FISHING TACKLE

I need a shave. Bath. Cup of coffee and a good woman.

Something told me we've come to the wrong place.

Fill it up, Gonz.

You got any money?

What the hell's this?

Will you check the oil?

Yes, sir. Just as soon as I'm done here.

What the heck, I'll do that for you.

No use you standing there holding your hose.

Yeah. Yeah. Thanks a lot.

Sure. That's it there.

- Hiya. - Hi, how are ya?

Not bad. Yourself?

- Okay. - Good.

Lots of grit.

Yeah, they get that way, I guess.

Looks good.

Looks great to me.

Wait. Wait. Maybe you better check the battery.

It's in here somewhere. I'm not sure where it is.

It's over here.

- Oh, that's a big one. - Yeah, they gotta be.

Get up!

You give me a hard on!

Get up!

Party!

Ivy U! Ivy U!

Listen to this part, you guys.

"His strong hands ran over her hardened nipples.

"The tender touch of his glistening body

"sent shock waves running through her naked breasts."

I believe I've read this book before, Molly.

You know, I think I read it, too.

I think it's in the next chapter

where they start talking about his "throbbing spaceship of love."

Is that what Rexy-poo calls it?

Never mind, Corky.

Look! It's Rexy and the Ivy boys.

If it isn't the spaceship of love.

And it's throbbing away, I'm sure.

Can you believe it? We actually caught up with these guys!

At 110 miles per hour,

I'm surprised we didn't run them over.

Really!

Looks like Rex has other things on his mind besides me.

Oh!

Fill it up, okay?

Okay. ls there anything else?

Gaskets? New upholstery? Retreads? Paint job?

No, I think that's about it.

I think everything's okey-dokey.

- O key-dokey? - Yeah.

Wait!

Is that it?

Well, the air cleaner.

We've been having trouble with the suction.

Rex, I know you're in there! Now open this door now!

Ladies!

May I be of some assistance here?

Not unless you can open that door.

No problem. Hair pin?

- Heather! - Listen, if you guys aren't busy later...

You can't see a thing.

Come on, Rex has got business to take care of.

Heather! Hi.

Peaches! What are you doing here?

That's it. That does it. It's over!

Maybe dinner? Some dancing?

You're an asshole!

Asshole already?

Heather, wait a minute!

Chuck, next time don't drink out of the toilet bowl

till I check it first, okay?

- Heather... - Not now.

Heather!

I have nothing to say to you.

I'm sure if you just took the time to get to know me

-we could work something out. - Heather.

I don't even want to see you again, ever. Do you understand that?

You are nothing but a cheap, lying bastard.

- I've had enough! - Calm down!

Who are you? Get out of my way.

No, no, no. She's right.

You are a cheap, lying bastard and we've had enough.

You stinking...

I'm so sorry, Heather! I...

Take your hands off her!

Take your hands off of me!

Take your hands off of her!

If ever I can be of further assistance,

feel free to call on me.

Anytime, anywhere.

Thank you.

You son of a bitch.

Sorry.

You get in my way again, and you're gonna be sorry you were born.

He knew then and there that the friendship they had had since youth

had died a sudden and tragic death,

destroyed by the love of a woman.

Heather! Cupcake, listen to me!

Forget it, Rex! You're history!

Shit.

213.37 - TOTAL SALE 155.9 - GALLONS

$213.37?

Keep the change, pal.

I don't think I need to remind you gentlemen

about the importance of this race.

I don't think I have to bore you with the fact

that the Washington Military Institute

has won this race for the past three years!

I don't think I need to stress the fact

that we will win this race at any cost,

because a corpsman, in his heart, in his gut,

knows no such thing as defeat!

Victory is the only thing he'll eat.

And he'll eat it raw!

Will We Win?

Yes, sir!

Then move out!

Detail, hut!

All right, roll!

You see that?

WELCOME RIVER RACERS

A town like any other town.

A town with nothing to hide.

Until they arrived.

Okay!

Come on, Chuck.

Here we are.

Ladies.

Gonzer! Down, boy! Down, boy. Here you go. Good boy.

Nice finger.

I was just checking out the competition.

Come on, Chuck!

We're the men from WM!

Shalom aleichem.

Yeah, a few more guys...

Excuse me.

Is that spacelab up there?

- No, I guess not. - No.

The competition looks a little weirder than I expected.

What's the matter, Chuck? You're not thirsty?

Oh, it's the call, isn't it, Chuck?

It's reaching out to you.

It's pulling you from the gut.

Isn't that right, boy?

You meet me tomorrow morning, 10:00, at the portage.

Don't be late.

Come here, come here. Come here, slugger.

Don't stay up all night, and don't drink too much.

Remember that night on the west side with that bitch, binga, binga?

Go on, get outta here.

Horny bastard.

Thank you.

Nice jugs.

Ringside seats.

Lively crowd, huh?

Hey, did you order me that old fashioned?

Oh, yeah, just the way you like it, extra bitters.

I knew I could count on you. Here's to mediocrity.

Mediocrity, yeah!

Nice right cross.

Now, there's a girl who knows how to party.

Gonz, who ordered this?

I'll take it.

There's the woman-hitter and his colleagues.

Nice hair.

I don't think he likes you.

Would you look at all that beefcake.

The odds are definitely in our favor.

Take no prisoners.

- Here you go, ladies. - Thanks.

My pleasure.

So you girls here for the big race tomorrow?

No, actually, we're here to get laid.

Look at that one there!

Gonzer, that's a guy.

Hey, can I buy you a drink, Irwin?

No, no, I'm fine.

Pink dress.

Max, no!

Come on.

Is it slowing?

- Way to go, Gonz! - Good job, buddy!

Gentlemen! Soldiers, the map! Once again.

Johnson!

We enter left, we paddle right behind the big rock.

Then left again past the dead tree, sir!

Brown !

Hard forward till we reach the turn of the rapids,

then hug the shore, sir.

Lieutenant Whitney!

Baron's rapids, head for the hole,

do a 360 degree turn and paddle hard right, sir!

Good. Good.

Now it's time for night-night.

All right, guys, there's work to be done. It's sabotage time.

- What do you want? - Stoli with a twist.

Thank you.

Hey, want a little popcorn?

Oh! Excuse me. Gosh, I spilled that.

I'll get it. That's...

Hey, watch it.

Watch what?

Watch what a fool I can make out of myself.

Is that worth watching?

I'm very good at it,

especially when I'm in the company of such an attractive woman.

Haven't we met somewhere before?

I suppose

next you're gonna ask me if you can buy me a drink.

"Aha" he says to himself,

"here is a woman who knows a come-on when she hears one.

"He thinks he's got her where he wants her,

"but he has to make sure."

Can I buy you a drink?

She refuses with a shake of her beautiful head.

That's perfect!

She's passed the second test, but she's not an easy mark.

Still, he must try the last line.

What...

What's your major?

Gin and tonic.

Gin and tonic for the lady!

Make it two, will you? Thank you, my man.

You wanna fool around? You wanna get married?

Want fellatio or what?

If I'm being too forward, just tell me to back off.

How about a name first?

An old-fashioned girl, I like that.

McGraw.

Bob McGraw.

Rex, where you going?

Hey, man!

I'm Heather.

Heather Merriweather.

If I'm being too forward, just tell me.

No, no, no. Not at all.

You know, it's a little crowded in here, don't you think?

Smoky.

Noisy.

Crowded.

What do you say we go for a walk?

To my room.

What do you say we run?

What do you say give me 10 minutes?

I'm in room 27.

Do you think you can remember that?

I'll carve it in the back of my hand.

I guess this means no bedtime story.

If I'm not back in two hours,

borrow a book.

Book?

You beautiful bomb.

It was a night.

A real, wide open night

filled with the stars of a thousand dreams.

It was the kind of night that could only be found

in a place called the West.

Or maybe in a cheap spy novel.

The kind with gorgeous, smooth-skinned women

with accents and .45 caliber lips.

My, how time flies. You dropped this!

Are you all right?

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna get...

I'm gonna get...

Who's "ooh"?

Who is it?

- Hi. - Hi.

Why don't you come on in and shut the door?

Why don't you lock it?

- Why don't you... - I think I can take it from here.

Well...

Here we are.

All by ourselves.

With the door locked.

And me lying on the bed in a robe.

I like a woman who's not afraid to play hard to get.

I like a man who's not afraid to play hard.

You know something, Bob McGraw?

You look a little warm.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable?

I didn't bring anything "more comfortable."

Well, how about me?

You talked me into it.

For crying out loud.

This is a race, not a battlefield.

With blatant disregard for rules and regulations,

frivolous misuse of equipment and personnel...

Where did you learn to be a soldier, soldier?

The institute, sir.

Well, I hope, for your sake,

the institute is a lenient one.

Under the circumstances, I have no choice

but to impound your raft and disqualify you.

MOOSEHEAD

- Tell me something. - What?

Was that as good for you as it was for me?

No. It was...

Heather, it's Rex! Are you in there?

- Company. How nice. - Heather!

Rex, go away! I have nothing to say to you.

You can just stay right here and just ignore him, okay?

I hate to eat and run, but...

Bob, am I ever gonna see you again?

We are going to see each other again.

You wouldn't lie to me?

Of course I'd lie to you, I'm a guy.

But I'm not lying now.

You mean it?

Honest.

Hey, GUYS,

it's a little early for the Easter parade, don't you think?

Look! It's Hailey's comet!

Bright, real bright. Bye!

Hello, asshole.

Oops.

Things looked bad for McGraw. He had to think fast.

Get him!

Oh, shit! Hold it!

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Guys, guys...

Now, I know you're wondering why I called you all here tonight,

because I want to talk to you about herpes.

That's the end of that chapter.

I don't wanna die tomorrow!

You know I hate water. It ruins a good drink.

Oh, I'm gonna projectile vomit on everyone!

Excuse me.

What am I, a turnstile?

Bay mist.

No, it's either Misty Crevice or Savage Truth.

No, no, Bay Mist, I'm telling you.

Bob!

What happened? Are you okay?

Bob, it's us!

Oh, boy! Am I glad to see you guys.

This is a terrible place to spend the night alone.

Who did it?

They got you, too?

Bob, how many were there?

I didn't get all their names,

but they all wore the same cologne.

You know, this is gonna be a piece of fucking cake.

Good afternoon and welcome to this year's annual collegiate

White Water Rafting Race.

It's a perfect day for rapid competition.

The temperature is a comfortable 86 degrees,

the water at a refreshing 53 degrees.

With the disqualification of last year's winner,

Washington Military Institute,

we have 13 entries this year.

Good luck to all of our participants!

It's either lose or win

You'll either break or bend

Pushing it one more inch

You better be steady, boy

It's waiting all for you

Need to give all you've got

It's time to take your shot

You got nothing to lose

I thought we got rid of him.

Well, he's obviously a slow learner.

Bob, what happened?

Does it hurt?

Not so much anymore, now that you're here.

Was it that creep?

Let's just say I slipped on a bar of soap in the shower

as a bus ran out of control

and crashed into the medicine cabinet.

I'm really sorry. ls there anything I can do?

Actually, I made a list, but, uh...

This will have to suffice until the race is over.

Ten minutes! Ten minutes to starting time!

Okay, come on, guys! Where's your spirit?

We oughta give these teams some support!

Come on, we can't send 'em down the river with nothing.

What do you say?

Yeah! What do you say?

There they are.

All getting ready for the start of their little race.

Does that civilian mashed potato think he can disqualify us?

They'll see.

They'll see!

The race will continue for two days.

Today you will race to this point, Beaver Flats,

where the first five teams will pick up flags.

And only the first five teams to pick up flags

will be in the second day.

And those of you who pick up flags

will then portage to Chicken Falls

where you will spend the night and turn in your flags.

Then tomorrow morning at 10:00,

you will continue the race downriver.

Now, you all come here to represent your colleges and your universities.

You have come here to participate in an annual event

that shows good, healthy American competition is still alive.

Before we start the race,

I'd like to thank you for participating,

wish you good luck, godspeed,

and may the best team win.

There he is.

There he is.

I'm gonna get that son of a bitch if it's the last thing I ever do!

All right. Rafters, man your paddles!

Ready.

Set.

There's the gun, and they're off!

We've got 13 rafts racing for their school's honor.

The rivalry between Arkansas Christian State

and St. Martings Bible College heats up once again!

And they're hitting the water, folks!

Oh, my, folks, this is bedlam!

The ladies of Iowa A&M...

Uh-oh, what's this? Oh, that's too bad,

looks like one more faulty equipment.

We are now down to nine rafts, just nine!

No, Bob!

Look, guys, please! I don't wanna die!

I'm so young, I've got my looks, I've got my health.

- I've got my whole life ahead of me! - To the water!

I've got too much to live for!

Like what?

Like what? Like what?

Women.

There might be a woman out there who might want to have sex with me.

And that's Ivy U! Yes, Ivy U, this year's favorite.

Three, two, one!

Please don't make me do this.

Don't make me go, all right? I'm gonna die!

I don't wanna die! I wanna live!

Thanks. I needed that.

Shall we go?

Get him out of there!

Get in here, Shamu!

Hey, that's good.

All right.

Give me a hard left.

Their situation seemed utterly hopeless.

And with damn good reason.

Yeah! All right!

Pull! Pull!

Come on!

This is it, guys.

We can do it, guys, I know we can. I can feel it.

It's just water and rock, that's all!

We'll show this river who's boss!

This river will be ours!

This is not a good sign.

No.

Sorry, guys, I guess I got a little carried away.

Stop! Stop!

Oh, my God!

- That was great! - We did it!

I don't believe it!

Son of a bitch, we did it. And we're still alive!

Un-fucking-believable!

Wasn't bad for a bunch of losers!

Well, you have just made it through the world's most dangerous rapid!

And now, it's beer time!

I risked my life, and you give me light beer?

Lepetomane! Lepetomane!

Lepetomane!

Das raft!

We toast you!

Hey, where've you Nazis been, huh?

Didn't you see us go through those rapids?

You think we're kidding around here?

Hi, boys!

Shoot him, Rex.

I don't like those guys.

I warned you, you bozo!

What the hell is that?

Oh, they hit us with a little dart.

Good shot, Rex, good shot.

Bob, it's ticking.

Five, four, three, two, one!

Take that, suckers!

Were those the guys that got you last night?

How could ya tell?

They're all wearing the same cologne.

Come on, guys,

let's get the hell out of Dodge!

All right, now get that rock in the sling...

I'm going up!

- Push, man! - I'm pushing!

How we doing, guys?

Ready, Bob.

- Okay, let's go. - Darn, it's empty.

Bob, it's empty.

I gotta have a drink. I don't think I can make it.

You can do it, kid, I know you can.

No,no,no. I don't think I can.

You're not trying.

Lemme give it another shot.

I knew you could do it.

Irwin.

All right. Left turn!

Forward easy!

- Push, man! - I'm pushing!

Now!

- Now? - Now?

Unidentified flying asshole.

- Party time! - Two! Two!

Let's move!

BEAVER FLATS PORTAGE

Where's Ivy U?

Who cares, as long as they're not ahead of us!

Let's go)!

Grab a flag!

Got a flag!

- Brown. - Sir!

- Johnson. - Sir!

Good job, men, good job!

Whitney.

Soon...

Soon.

Look at that!

Now, that can stop us.

Duck! Duck!

Say your prayers, gentlemen.

Come on, come on! They're gonna get past!

Now!

It's going the wrong way!

- Go! Go! - Move it! Move it!

Tonight, we are gonna be in bimbette's heaven!

Good work!

All right, now, Rocky,

get one flag and lose the other!

Gotcha.

Let's go, man.

- One, two... - Yeah!

Keep it up, guys-

Keep it going.

I know it's tough.

And I know that you know it's tough.

But try not to think about it.

Think about those degrees we're gonna get

when we win this race!

Maybe that'll help you forget the pain.

More likely it won't, but give it a shot.

Your bag of goodies was a real bargain, Doctor.

You bet your bottom dollar.

There's only four boats left.

I think we earned that little soiree of yours tonight.

St. Martings, Sara Teasdale, Texas State, and us.

And Lepetomane.

- Lepetomane? - What?

We took care of those remedials after the first rapids!

Well, whoever "we" is didn't do a very thorough job,

'cause they're still on the river.

- What? - I don't believe it.

I thought we nailed those Twinkies!

Control tower to Ivy, you're cleared for takeoff.

I love it.

I don't like the sound of this.

It's too quiet.

What could it be?

Indians!

What the hell is that?

Sounds like big mosquitoes.

It's coming at us!

Get down!

It's coming back!

Bob, get down!

This is dangerous!

How'd you like that, guys?

This has gone far enough!

He's right! It's gone far enough!

Gonz! Get down!

Abandon ship!

- Get out! Get out! - Not again!

Kamikaze!

Let's see you get out of that one, you dipshit!

Let's get out of here.

Max!

Hey, Max!

I want the blond!

- You putz! - Are those real breasts?

I want leverage!

Him, his doggie, one of his men, anyone!

Reconnoiter 0600 sharp!

Come back with a prisoner,

or don't come back!

Yes, sir!

Hey, it's Chuck!

Wow, he's got the last flag!

What is this? An attitude?

I'm sorry if we were a little bit late,

we had a few problems.

We weren't out on the town like someone I could mention.

- Chuck, he was mugged last night! - Let him be!

If he wants to be a complete jerk, let him.

I don't think we need to explain to him that somebody

tried to destroy our raft, knock us out of the race.

No, if he's gonna get his nose bent out of shape

over a little lost time,

I'd rather not talk to him, either. You're a dog.

Grab the raft.

I suppose it doesn't make any difference that they beat up Bob?

That's right. Pipes, bottles, chains, hitting, pain...

There were 10 of 'em. Ten big ones.

Maybe eleven.

Oh, and you should've heard the names they called him.

Sensitive dog.

Yes, okay, okay, I forgive you.

I know you were playing hard to get.

Chuck, what is it?

I smell it, too.

It smells like...

Cologne.

Suddenly he knew what the night held in store for them.

And he liked the smell of it.

Are you okay?

You know something?

I really thought that McGraw had a chance.

I mean, however slim,

I really thought that he might make it.

I would have liked to have seen him again.

"Seen," young lady?

For starters.

You mean to tell me you're not coming?

No.

Okey-dokey, honey. See ya later.

- Happy trails. - Bye-bye, hon.

Revenge is a dish best eaten cold

and with your hands.

It's a little early for Christmas, isn't it?

Tomorrow should be a breeze.

By the time you cross that finish line,

I'm betting that yours is the only raft on the river.

Let's have some more champagne!

Waiter!

Wait a minute, I know that dog!

I know that dog!

Hey, what's going on?

Wait a minute!

Well, well, what is this?

A meeting of the assholes of America?

Look who's here.

We missed you guys!

We didn't miss you, you jerk.

Hurry up, put that on! I haven't got all night!

You asshole!

Oh, excuse me.

You wouldn't hit a lady, would you?

Mocha.

No,no,no,no! No. No.

Get out, come on.

Now I got you, you bastard.

It's so much better this way.

So much for the piano.

Bob. The tub.

Bye.

Table for one.

You incompetent twits!

Let's get outta here!

There you are.

Bob! Where have you been? What's going on around here?

It's such a long story.

Gosh, is there someplace that we can talk?

Well, is there someplace that we can pet heavily?

Terrific!

Look at that!

Wait! What...

Now, tell me,

was it as good for you as it was for me that time?

Not exactly.

Bob! Irwings gone, we can't find him anywhere.

I think something happened to him.

Did I interrupt anything?

Not exactly.

Look, I'll meet you at the raft.

Oh, Max, this is Heather. Heather, this Max.

- Hi. - Hi.

Pleasure to meet you.

Do you need any help?

No, thanks. I've been dressing myself for years.

But I appreciate the offer.

When this is over

and somebody's won this damn thing,

I'd like to think I could jump on you again sometime.

Disqualify me, will they?

Well, now I've got them right where I want them!

You thought the disguise would fool me?

They can't beat me. No!

Because I'm the cream of the military crop,

and I have a hostage.

A living, human hostage!

I can't find Irwin anywhere.

Poor little guy.

Hey, Gonz, don't you worry.

We're gonna find lrwin if it takes a hundred years.

Hey, Bob. He'll be dead by then.

Good point.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute! What about Chuck?

Come on, Chuck.

I know you're tired, but we need your help.

We've got to find Irwin before it's too late!

We'll take the water, you take the land. Whaddya say?

Come on, Chuck, you remember Irwin.

He's got glasses, he's skinny, he drinks a lot.

Here, Chuck, here. Try this.

You remember him now, don't you, Chuck?

All right. All right, Chuck,

there's a new collar in it for you, huh?

Does that jar your memory?

Okey, Okey.

No more plain-wrap dog food. Does that ring any bells for you?

I'll put you up for stud. But that's it, take it or leave it.

Boy, what's the world coming to

when you have to bribe your own dog?

The dog's a whore, Bob.

I trained him well.

Nobody does that to Ivy!

Guys, we got a race to win here, act like adults.

I'm gonna get that weenie!

We're gonna get that weenie!

We're gonna win this race!

Geez, Rex, too much caffeine making you tense?

After last night, you wanna go again, huh?

- That's right. - You must've liked it, huh?

I'm ready and willing.

- I'm always able. - All right! Nice!

Left turn, men, we've got company!

What?

Check it out.

- Hey. - The bleach boys.

Good afternoon, ladies!

All right, guys, listen.

We're gonna beat 'em, and we're gonna win,

and let's go into a hard forward.

The instrument, maestro, if you will.

See ya, ladies!

They'll like this, won't they?

- What's that? - What the hell is that?

All right, sweetheart.

- It's a torpedo. - Oh, shit!

Good shot, Rex, good shot!

You jerks!

Adios, ladies!

We got those morons. So let's go get Lepetomane!

Well done, soldiers, well done!

From here, we take the island.

We beach the craft in the south,

then move to a high point above.

Then, we hang the bait, and wait!

Now move out!

Stroke! Stroke!

Stroke!

Stroke!

Johnson,

ready the jet.

Yes, sir.

Brown, ready the wireless control system.

Yes, sir.

It's those G.l. Joe guys!

- Where? - There.

Get back in your pouch!

They got lrwin! In a wet bag!

Come on!

It's toboggan time!

Wait a minute, Bob! Are you sure that's a good idea?

Nah, but at this point it's beside the point.

Oh, boy.

Forward easy.

Bob!No!

- Too fast! Too fast! - Shit!

No!

We're gonna get wet again!

Nice shot, Bob.

Come on! Irwings getting away!

All right, so I miscalculated. What are you gonna do, fire me?

I'll think about it.

Stroke!

Stroke!

Stroke!

- Stroke! - Sir!

The island's just up ahead, sir!

Good. Good.

I'm ready with the jet, sir.

Ready with the wireless control system, sir.

Now!

Victory! We are men!

All right, meatheads!

What are you sitting around for? This is no picnic!

Captain, we can't win.

We were disqualified yesterday.

Disqualified? We're not disqualified!

Not till I say we're disqualified!

It takes a river to win this war.

And there can't be a winner,

if there isn't a river!

Sir?

We're gonna blow the mother up!

All right!

Women!

What is she doing out there?

Getting tanned.

Forward easy.

- Are you all right? - I'm fine.

Let me guess what happened.

That good old Ivy U.

You didn't have to tell me, I woulda caught it.

Those guys almost killed us.

He's beginning to get a little nervy.

The thought of them winning this race really makes me sick.

It isn't over yet.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Just a few indecent thoughts.

Okay, I'm ready now.

First, we get Irwin. Then we get the trophy!

Hey, you guys! I'll see you later, okay?

Revenge! Revenge! Get 'em!

Forward easy!

Soon the river will go ka-boom!

A commander couldn't ask for better soldiers.

Well,

while we're waiting for your captain

to come to your rescue,

maybe I should warm up on you a little.

No? All right.

How about the old bamboo under the fingernails?

It's a personal favorite of mine,

and a nice way to loosen up, too,

you little schmo!

No!

Chuck, puppy! Am I glad to see you! Where the hell you been?

Chuck, we're in some kind of trouble, okay?

The guys are heading right in for a trap,

we gotta warn 'em, all right?

So get me outta here. Come on. Get me out.

What are you doing? No, Chuck!

No, don't do... Where are you going with those?

Don't leave me!

Chuck... What's that?

What are you doing? Don't put that on there!

Chuck! Where you going?

No! No, Chuck, no!

Chuck, no! Chuck... I can't... Not like...

This is not good, Chuck!

Oh, God, I'm so depressed!

Irwin...

Irwin...

Irwin...

Irwin.

Irwin!

Irwin!

Irwin! Irwin!

Irwin!

Irwin! lrwin! lrwin!

What the hell?

Let's wait here.

Irwin! Irwin! Irwin!

Irwin! Irwin! Irwin!

Hey, it's Chuck!

Hey! Chucker!

Bob, it looks like he's been drinking again.

No, not drinking.

Look! In his mouth! It's Irwings underwear.

No wonder he's acting like that.

That can only mean one thing!

Irwings naked.

Right!

And Chuck knows where he is!

Let's go)!

Left turn! Forward easy!

They're quitting! They've given up!

I knew they didn't have what it takes!

Hey! That's Lepetomane U for ya, you degenerates!

Good old Lobotomy U!

Let's move out of here.

Let's just kick back and coast, because the trophy is ours!

Scumbags!

Hey, Chuck!

It's good to see you, too, but first things first, huh?

Now, where is he? Where's Irwin, Chuck?

Oh, my God! They killed him!

No, they haven't killed him, but he's... He's...

He's lying on the ground somewhere!

Right, Chuck?

No, on the nose!

But where is Irwin now, Chuck? Where is he now?

He's trying to get into the wet bag.

- Wet bag, dirtbag, douchebag... - Bag lady?

He's got a bone...

Oh, my God!

They cut him into steaks!

They haven't cut him into steaks, they've, uh, uh...

They staked him to the ground!

Where is he, Chuck? Where is Irwin now?

Chuck, that's my jacket!

He's trying to tell us something!

They plucked him!

I'm trying.

They haven't plucked him, it's something to do with...

Feathers! Feathers!

No, those aren't feathers! That's down!

Down! Down! All right!

Down something. They've got Irwin down something.

Come on, Chuck, where? Give us another clue, quick!

Chuck, how many syllables?

- Two! - Two syllables!

God! They cut out his liver!

Down... Down... Down liver... Uh...

I've got it!

- What? - What?

"Down liver," that's Japanese for "downriver"!

All right, Chuck!

Those were great clues.

I thought they were kinda hard.

My sweet boom-boom maker.

Where's your doggie?

Look, I think there's been some mistake.

Where's your underwear?

I don't know. The dog ran off...

Don't wanna cooperate, huh?

That's okay.

Your time is up anyway.

Say VOW prayers,

you pinko commie slime!

Slime?

No shooting with the gun, please!

Oh, look, if we can talk about this...

Oh, hi, guys. Glad you could stop by.

Well, well, well.

You finally decided to show your face, eh?

Well, you walked right into my little trap,

and you'll never get out alive.

Be my guest.

Take my money! Anything you want! No, anything!

Go ahead, just ask me, I'll tell you anything! Anything!

I'd like to know what he did with my pants.

Good for you. Son of a bitch.

Irwin!

Just in time to turn me over.

What's he doing? He should be here by now!

Johnson,

go get Captain Braverman.

You go get him. I don't miss him.

Johnson, you see this? You know what this means?

Hey, you see this, sparky? You know what this means, huh?

What do you got there, Chuck?

What is that?

Oh, laughing gas.

Men? Men!

The enemy is upon us!

Charge!

Gosh, is he dead?

I sure as hell hope so.

That one, right there!

You get him, we'll take the others.

There's nothing like the peace and quiet of the wilderness.

Shall we go?

- I think we should. - Absolutely.

Hey, guys, where you been?

Taking care of a little unfinished business.

You know, returning a favor.

Irwin, you look good!

I feel good. Can't complain.

GUYS, guys...

Enough of this hearts and flowers stuff.

What do you say we win this race for us?

No, no. You dickhead.

You weren't supposed to get it engraved until after they cross the finish line.

Now hide it.

Five minutes, ladies and gentlemen.

Five minutes and counting. Any bets?

Keep it steady.

That's it.

You know, guys, I can see it all now.

All of us being carried around the square

on the shoulders of cheering hordes.

Co-eds beating down our doors, chaining themselves to our beds.

We're gonna get laid for six months off this one.

Are you kidding? We're gonna be inducted into the stud hall of fame.

I thought we already were. I know I am.

You're such an animal.

Come on! Forward, men, let's do it!

Move! Let's go.

Hard forward, that's it.

Keep it steady.

Powers.

Powers... The plunger.

Powers! That's an order, bean head!

Stroke! Stroke!

Come on, forward!

So long, jerks!

Go! Go!

Go! Go!

Oh, God! You give great vibes.

Where's the river?

There's the river!

My God!

Back paddle! Back paddle!

We did it! Come on!

Another victory for the Mighty Crimson!

Let's get out of here!

Oh, I think maybe your toilet's overflowing.

Cocktails, anyone?

There's Ivy! There's Ivy!

There's the finish line!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Come on, you guys!

See ya, Ivy!

They can't do that!

- That's cheating! - They can't do that!

Yeah!

Team Lepetomane!

We did it!

Congratulations.

Tell me,

was it as good for you

as it was for me that time?

- No. - No?

It was better.

Bob...

How big could it really be?

Well, let's find out.

I'm up the creek

I'm up the creek

Just like the one that got away

So close, but yet so far

I threw my hook into the water

I nearly caught her

How bizarre

Now I'm up the creek

Though I have lost a little pride

I'm up the creek

I know that time is on my side

I'm up the creek

Though you have pulled the plug on me

I'm up the creek

There's more than one fish in the sea

I'm not about to let it be

I know that I am up the creek

Hey! Hey!

The foreign legion's always there

I need a holiday

Daydream in the desert

With no pressure

That's the way 'cause I'm up the creek

Though I have lost a little drive

I'm up the creek

I know that time is on my side

I'm up the creek

Though you have pulled the plug on me

I'm up the creek

There's more than one fish in the sea

I'm not about to let it be

I know that I'm up the creek

I'm up the creek

Without a paddle

I'm up the creek

But that don't matter at all

No matter at all

I'm up the creek

Without a paddle

I'm up the creek

I'm learning to paddle it all

Paddle it all

Hey! Hey!

I'm up the creek

I'm up the creek

I'm up the creek

Here I go! You want to go?

I'm up the creek

Help me! Help me! Help me!

I'm up the creek

I'm up the creek

Watch it! Wow!

The foreign legion's always there

I need a holiday

Daydream in the desert

With no pressure

That's the way 'cause I'm up the creek

Though I have lost a little drive

I'm up the creek

I know that time is on my side

I'm up the creek

Though you have pulled the plug on me

I'm up the creek

There's more than one fish in the sea

I'm not about to let it be

I know that I'm up the creek

I'm up the creek

Without a paddle

I'm up the creek...

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