All language subtitles for Jeff Ross Roasts the Border- Live from Brownsville, Texas 2017

Look at this beautiful crowd.

Come up here, dude. Come up.

Look at this guy. What's your name?

What's that? Hernan.

What?

Just call you eggnog?

What do you do?

I landscape.

Landscape. I could have guessed that in
one guess.

You're a legal citizen.

I'm an alien. You're an alien? I got a
social security. I can check.

You're not going to check. It's okay.

You're in a safe space right now.

Are your parents in this country?

Yeah, one.

One is, and the other one... They threw
one back. They threw one back.

That would be such a tricky way to grow
up, right? Where you're legal, but your

parents are undocumented.

That's a lot of leverage to have on your
parents.

Hey, clean up your room. Really, Mom?

Let me call ICE, see if they want to
clean up your room.

What time's my curfew, Dad?

Well, you might not be coming home
tonight, so...

Hola.

Me llamo Jeff Ross.

And like most Americans, I'm a
descendant of immigrants.

My grandparents' grandparents escaped
from Eastern Europe in search of a

life and perfect posture.

Their daughter, my great -grandma Rosie,
went on to embrace the American dream.

After playing four seasons with the New
York Giants, she built herself a

successful catering business in Newark,
New Jersey.

From there, our family grew into a
motley melting pot of religions and

nationalities that now includes a crazy
Israeli and two Chinese cousins.

that are smarter than me, and can kick
my ass.

And it's not just my family. Since this
country got rolling, people from all

over the world have fled their homeland
to come to the greatest country on

Earth. I mean, can you see how happy
they are?

USA! USA!

Ever since I was a kid, leaders on all
sides have stood up for immigrants.

Rather than talking about putting up a
fence.

Why don't we make it possible for them
to come here legally with a work permit,

and then while they're working and
earning here, they pay taxes here.

And when they want to go back, they can
go back, and they can cross and open the

border both ways.

These are good people, strong people.
Part of my family is a Mexican.

Things are different now.

Suddenly America is like a snobby club
with a douchey doorman.

But for me, this issue isn't about
politics.

It's about people.

Lots and lots of people.

No ban, no wall.

No ban, no wall.

Here I am in Texas, rallying the state
capitol. One of many happening all over

the country right now.

No ban, no wall.

For many, the stakes couldn't be higher.

My fiancé is from Mexico, and he's
actually undocumented.

And with all these ice raids and
everything, he's afraid to go out. It

scary. Very scary.

I'm a son of Mexican and Colombian
immigrants, and I'm proud.

I feel you, bro.

A Palestinian, Mexican, Muslim, and a
woman.

Man, you can probably get deported and
locked up for three different reasons

right now.

Like, what do you eat for lunch? Like,
quesadillas with hummus? Not only was

this nation built by immigrants, It
still is.

Are you a real construction worker? Real
construction, all the building. And

last year, we do all the windows. Wow,
right here at the Capitol. Yes, sir.

Well, it's a beautiful building with
beautiful windows. Thank you. And thank

all United States for bringing a little
job for us.

Yeah, of course, man. I really
appreciate it.

Immigrants make America great. I agree,
man.

Yeah, yeah. A couple of Mexican guys
like you and me are making this country

great. All right. Gracias.

With some people calling for a Muslim
ban, even our freedom of religion is at

risk. You're wearing your uniform today.

To show people that the way the Muslims
are being beaten, being detained at the

airport, and all of us being outright
banned is just unacceptable.

We need to come out and show our fellow
Americans who we are. Of course.

In any other context, people would be
saluting you. And here it's like...

Your mouse will be getting the middle
finger from the government.

What the hell is going on? Why is a
nation of newcomers suddenly turning its

back on itself?

I wanted to understand more, so I headed
down to the front line of the

immigration battle, to a sweaty little
border town called Brownsville at the

southern tip of Texas.

And as we all know, the tip is always
the most sensitive.

So the people who live here are getting
hit hard by America's changing policies.

Who lives here? Is it mostly Mexican
-American people?

Mexican and Mexican -American, close to
95 % of us. But at the end of the day,

we're all Texan.

Many of these folks have family and
friends living and working on both sides

the border, creating one big community
of murderers, rapists, and some, I

assume, are good people. That's the Rio
Grande.

That's Mexico.

You could throw a rock across right
here. I'm just walking along the border

finding kids' clothes, women's clothes.

More shoes, shoes, shoes.

I don't think that's a drug dealer or a
terrorist coming over right there.

Raids and detentions are at an all -time
high.

Plus, El Presidente's constant threats
of... Mass deportations, including young

dreamers who were raised and educated
here. And, of course, the building of an

even bigger barrier has put stress on
the hearts of all the people who aren't

hot enough to get into America on a
modeling visa.

So I started asking, how do the people
who actually live on the border feel

about all this?

Do they want an even bigger wall?

And if I did a free show in a public
park right in front of the existing

will the locals show up?

Or would many be too scared to come out
for fear of being rounded up or roasted?

Because for many, this issue is no joke.

More people cross over illegally here
than anywhere else along America's 2

-mile border.

So our government built this fence
through Brownsville a decade ago to keep

strangers out. It hasn't worked.

They still come.

304, go ahead.

I have two individuals walking up to me.

any way they can.

As we waited for border patrol, the

constables helped me use my broken
Spanish to welcome two people into the

country. Get your filming now, because
when we call border patrol, we put the

cameras down.

Hey, bud.

They're from El Salvador.

From El Salvador.

They're going to New York.

I'm going to New York.

Is your son?

Yes.

¿Cuántos años?

Cinco. Cinco.

Hola, buddy.

Hola. Me llamo Jeff.

They split the children up. That way

there's no immediate deportation.

Smart. Yeah.

How do you feel? Are you nervous?

What are you feeling?

What's the violence like in your
hometown?

Now what happens?

We'll call Border Patrol, and they'll
take them and transport them. Where will

they sleep tonight?

There'll be a Border Patrol tonight.

What's that? Like a jail almost, right?
It is what it is, you know?

He's a brave man, brave man.

Buena suerte. Good luck.

Welcome back.

What a kick in the balls.

One of the most exciting moments of
their lives was also so demeaning.

You don't think they're going to get
sent back tonight or tomorrow?

I doubt it very seriously.

You ever worry about people trying to
follow their story? Is that even

I can't worry myself about that
because...

The next day, I'm going to be meeting
somebody else just like it.

I'll take you over here, but we're going
to be real quiet. We're going to stay

kind of out of sight.

We're going to see where they launch
from.

There's Mexico right there. There's the
Rio Grande River.

You see how well -worn that track is
right there? Yeah.

They're carrying the rafts down. They'll
raft everybody across.

They drop them here, and they bring them
back in.

I wouldn't get too far out in the open.
Why is that?

To get out in the open? Yeah.

Well, I don't know if anybody don't like
us on that side. I see.

You're not going to shoot.

If you say so.

Jesus. This will make your heart heavy,
considering what these people go

through, to get right here.

Well, all over the world, there's so
much scary crap going on that you can't

blame them.

Well. For putting their kid in a raft
and risking their kids' lives. I

understand that. But as an American
citizen, how many people do you let in?

All of them. How many do you support?

All of them. Look how big this country
is. I'm not saying turn your back on a

lot of these people. What I'm saying is
that we need to tend to our own before

we can tend to everybody else.

We are everybody else. That's my
opinion. Those two people are now

They're just going to be part of our
poor that we have to take care of.

As soon as they get here, they are us.

I expected about 50 locals to show up at
the show, but it turns out everyone in

town is affected by what's going on.

Both my parents crossed here at the
Bronzeville Bridge about 40 years ago,

or take.

I have friends that are from both.
They're both nationalities, Mexican and

United States. They go to the university
here in Brownsville. They're afraid to

go home. They're afraid to come back
over here, go to class, because you

know when that random pickup will happen
or that random deportation.

I came here with my mother. We actually
crossed the river, you know, like a...

Millions of Mexicans that come to the
United States. When I came, I felt that

this country was the best.

And I wanted to be a contributor. I've
been in the military.

I graduated college.

I'm contributing. I'm a taxpayer. So
immigration is just welcoming people to

line of opportunity.

Well, we're driving by and we're
wondering what's going on. And it's Rick

Oh, James. Jeff Ross?

Yeah.

Brownsville, Texas, are you guys ready
for the Roastmaster General?

Put your hands together for Mr.

Jeff Brown!

Yeah!

Que paso, Brownsville?

You really came. You came. Thank you,
everybody.

Where are my Americans at?

Got some hardcore patriotic American
people down here. Where am I

at?

All in favor of letting everybody stay
in America say aye, aye, aye, aye.

Stick around after the show, you guys,
because we're going to break a pinata

full of green cards if anybody wants to
play along.

Brownsville, Texas. Look at this place.
It's like you guys got to 1958 and said,

We're good.

Yeah, man, I love it down here. You
know, I actually have roots down here. I

roots with the cartels.

That's right. I'm El Chapo's Jewish
cousin, El Cheapo.

Brownsville. is a heck of a town, man.
You guys really... It's a beautiful

place, beautiful people, but it's hard
here, man. I can't imagine living in a

town with a fence running right through
my town.

I got lonely last night.

I went on Tinder.

And I swiped with somebody on the other
side of the wall.

That's the biggest clock in history.

I didn't let that stop us, though. 3 a
.m., we met over there by the bushes.

We both kind of pressed up against the
wall, and I entered her illegally.

And we had a three -way with an
armadillo.

The armadillo's here tonight. What's up,
buddy? How you doing, man?

Look at the size of this guy. How you
doing, brother?

Wow. What are you celebrating, Cinco de
Mayonnaise?

Damn, this guy. Thanks for coming off
the wall, Humpty. I appreciate you, man.

my border patrol at?

Let me give the border patrol a little
advice. If you want to catch people

coming into the country illegally, don't
write border patrol across your truck.

Write cold beer and free blowjobs in
Spanish.

See if business doesn't pick up a little
bit.

Now I hear they want to add 5 ,000 more
border patrol. 5 ,000 more.

Imagine that. At that point, they won't
need a wall.

They can just stand arm to arm and form
a human wall.

Red Rover, Red Rover, don't let Pedro
come over.

I came down to Brownsville because this
is the front line of the immigration war

in America right now. I'm here out of
solidarity. I don't want people around

America to not know how hard this
struggle is. So, you know, the situation

very... I heard yesterday they deported
an eight -year -old Guatemalan girl and

her three kids.

I'm all about bringing people together.

Fences keep people apart.

Personally, I don't think we need a
wall. I don't think we need a wall for

billion.

$21 billion to build a wall right there.

For that kind of money, we could send
everybody in Mexico $1 ,000 to stay

No como Estados Unidos, por favor.

No problem.

But on the bright side, the Olympic
Mexican pole vaulting team is number one

the world right now.

You have this beautiful house, adorable,
and you guys live there, and then this

is your backyard right here.

The American -Mexican border fence.

Yes. That's weird.

Yes, it is.

How often do you catch people coming
over? Every other day.

People and drugs. They just throw it
over. They climb like little monkeys

two little ropes.

And they get their feet. And they go
like this.

Then they toss it. Then they jump over.

Is that a bushel of weed? Yes, it is.

That's enough weed to kill somebody. Not
by smoking it, but by landing on your

head.

What's all over the fence here?

They are handprints.

Do you ever see women or children trying
to come over? Yes, we do.

How would a woman or a child even get
over this? They see the gate open, so

they'll just run out. No one's watching
that gate right now?

No. Why is it open?

Because the farmers, when they're
farming, they go ahead and they open it.

So someone could run through it right
now any second?

Yes. So what the f***? What's going on?

If you're fast enough, you can be an
American. If you're fat and slow, you're

stuck in Mexico.

Yep.

It's so strange.

I

could

do it if I had to.

This would not hold me back if I was
desperate.

It gets hot down here, too. Holy shit,
man.

The heat is hard, man.

But I guess you guys are used to it.

I've been doing my research into this
town. It's 91 % Latino here, 91%. It's

8 % gringo like me.

So I guess that one black guy is sick of
getting arrested, huh?

Oh, don't point to him. Oh, there he is.
What's up, dude?

It's multicultural here today, buddy.

We got kids here?

Got a little kid over there? How old is
that kid?

Seven months.

Happy anchor baby.

Did you have the kid on the way over to
my show? What happened?

Where my dreamers at?

So who's a dreamer?

Us two.

You two.

Usually everybody that was brought to
the U .S. at a young age.

Because you're undocumented.

How old were you when you came?

Five. Did you tell your mom, hey mom, I
want to go to the U .S. and I'm going to

go without you? No. You didn't have a
choice. You didn't have a choice?

No. No? I didn't find out I was
undocumented until I wanted to

military.

And I couldn't.

And the option that the recruiter gave
me was like, well, you can marry me.

Because some people want to take
advantage of the situation.

But I don't want to do that. I don't
want to marry because of that.

And it's like, is that my only option?
And I know that it's a reality to a lot

of women like me because we, in a way,
we don't have a voice because we don't

have a security number. We can't vote.
We can't do a lot of things.

She wants to go to college. She wants to
help out the American economy, the

American community.

She's an American.

She wasn't born on this side of the
river, but she's an American.

Our president has dropped any
protections that keep these kids from

deported. But where would they go?

They've never lived anywhere else.

Even some of his supporters think
that's... They've got a right to be

They do?

It wasn't their choice to come to the U
.S. It was their parents' choice that

brought them here. As far as I'm
concerned, they're part of our society.

Back in the day, we used to let
everybody in, man. That's how America

you made it to Ellis Island...

Statue of Liberty. We might make you
wait on line for a couple days, and we

might give you a new name when you got
there, but you got in the country,

I am Shlomo.

All right. Sharon Goldberg.

Welcome to America.

Come on.

Where would we be without immigrants,
man? This country would be not anything

like it is now. Immigrants helped build
this country, you know?

Think about it.

Without the Irish immigrants, we would
have no AA.

Without the Asian immigrants, we'd have
no happy endings.

Without the Jews, nobody would have
invented complaining.

And without the Italian immigrants,
crime would still be disorganized.

Giuseppe, why do you keep robbing the
same bank every day?

I'm sorry, Don Perucci. I'm not
organized.

Yeah, we're a nation of hypocrites
because we used to force people to come

this country.

Shout out to the black dude with the
shitty seat.

We kidnap people in Africa and force
them to immigrate to America. The most

messed up thing we could possibly do. We
did it. Black people overcame that.

They got their rights. They added so
much to this country.

I mean, jazz and hip hop and Air Jordans
and perhaps the greatest president of

our time, Bill Clinton.

But you guys, man, the Mexican people,
we need to keep the Mexican people and

bring Mexican people to America because
you're the best business people in the

world. Mexican people took four
ingredients and turned it into 40 ,000

restaurants.

And guacamole is extra.

I love people. I'm the son of a caterer.
I love parties, a fiesta. I want

everybody to come in, you know. And we
have to learn from our mistakes in this

country because back in the day when the
Jewish people wanted to escape the

Nazis, we sent them back.

And now these Syrian refugees want to
come here and people say, no, we can't

absorb the Syrian refugees. We're not
big enough. We are big enough. We're a

huge country. We can absorb everybody
that wants to come here.

And I'll prove it.

A hundred and something years ago,
Norway, the country of Norway, right?

One day, 9 % of the population of Norway
said, this Game of Thrones -ass, cold

-ass Norway.

And they came to the United States. Four
generations of Norwegians in America. I

am yet to meet one of these mother...
They're not... Where are my

Norwegians at?

One lying Mexican in the back.

Anybody here from Matamoros?

This is cool. So you walked over the
bridge to come to my show, bro? I love

that, man.

Somebody told me Matamoros is the
fastest growing city in Mexico. You know

I think I know why. Because Mexicans
love to... We're crossing into

Mexico.

Matamoros, which is the sister city to
Brownsville, essentially one community

separated. by the river, and connected
by bridges.

Matamoros is on the State Department
list of places Americans should not

Yes, there has been a reshuffling of the
cartels. So they've been going after

the kingpin, and what that has caused is
power vacuums that allow other cartels

to step into territory.

So what you're seeing right now is a
spike in violence and murder.

It's not a place that you would want to
come and visit.

Then why are we going?

We're going to go meet with a group of
migrants who have been deported from the

United States.

You've been deported, huh?

From where?

You were working there?

Roofer.

Hard work.

So what, did they just find you, or did
they just grab you, or how do they know

where you are?

You have children?

Two. And they're in America?

Wow.

What's going to happen now?

When will you see your family?

I don't know if I'm ever going to see
them again.

It's terrible.

I'm sorry.

Why did you go to the United States for
the first time?

How long were you there?

He says, God bless all of you, and I'm
going to say hello to the president of

the United States.

Yeah, man, I have my research on this.
If we let all the undocumented people

just stay, it would help our economy
over 10 years by over a trillion

160 ,000 new jobs every year.

If only we had a businessman who became
president that could help us figure that

out.

I've roasted Donald Trump twice. I've
known him for 15 years.

I feel like any second he's going to
call me up and offer me a cabinet

Jeff, I need three insults about North
Korea by noon tomorrow.

You're my new secretary of offense.

I'm helping Donald Trump with his new
book. It's called Mein Kampf is Bigger

Than Your Kampf.

Donald Trump always looks like he's
trying to figure out who farted.

Yeah, I've roasted Donald Trump and he
became president.

I roasted Justin Bieber and he had the
number one album in the world.

I roasted Charlie Sheen and he got AIDS.

Hey, I'm doing my part, America. What
are you doing with your lives?

You're a Trump supporter. You got your
hat on.

Make America great again. Got it.

I've known him a long time and at times
he can be the most charming guy in the

world. But with certain subjects, he can
be kind of downright mean. What would

you say to Mexican -Americans who have
been trashed by Trump supporters? You

know, that could hurt.

He's talking about criminals, illegal
criminals, not Mexicans, not Latinos.

And, you know, there's a right way to
get into America.

You follow your paperwork, get in line
like everybody else and get, you know,

get your citizenship.

You don't know who's coming to cross.
That's why we need a wall. I mean, we

one here.

It's obviously not doing its job.

So another one would be just double not
doing its job, right?

What's the price of security?

Well, there's also a respect for
humanity and that kind of thing, the way

talks about it.

He's talking about criminals.

Patrick, does this stir up any thoughts
in your head?

You fought for this country.

There is the right way to do things.
There's a lot of people that are just

trying to make it. You already have
tunnel systems that's used by counties

get people through and that's used to
get drugs through. So there are bigger

issues than building a wall.

What was that?

That's Border Patrol on the water.

Instead of building a wall to keep
people out, if the government...

find or arrested people who hire
illegals, illegals would eventually run

work and self -deport. Wouldn't that
work?

But that's actually on the books right
now in our laws of the government.

I don't remember ever seeing one of them
get fined for anything.

What do you think we should do?

Build Border Patrol academies.
Academies?

Academies. Train the officers right here
on the river. If you've got... Eyes on

the ground, boots on the ground.

You don't need that wall.

When I was researching this show, I met
two women in a safe house in Texas here.

They were from a country called Eritrea,
a country I'd never heard of before.

They were escaping terrible violence and
oppression.

And, you know, I felt for these women.
And they're coming to America because

we're doing so well here with equal
rights and human rights. But we're not

all the way. Like, if I was in charge...

Men wouldn't even vote on women's health
and reproductive issues. I think that's

a ladies -only topic.

You know, I don't think men can tell
women what to do with your bodies.

It doesn't even work when we try to tell
you what to do with our bodies.

Personally, I'm not pro -life or pro
-choice. I'm pro -you take care of it.

I want to try speed -roasting some
volunteers from the crowd.

Speed roasting, it's kind of like
extreme vetting.

You can't point to somebody, sir. That's
bullying.

That's bullying. You can't do that. You
can't do that.

All right, everybody move up to the
front here. Give it up for my volunteers

coming out.

Look at this guy. How you doing, bud?

What's your name?

Erasmo Castro.

I'm running for city commissioner of the
city of Brownsville, so get out and

vote.

Wow.

Really? They let homeless people in the
government?

Really?

You're running for city commissioner?

You're the size of your own sanctuary
city.

Holy mackerel.

Well, good luck to you, buddy.

All right.

My abuela? Is this my abuela?

Oh, sorry, sorry.

What's going on? How you doing?

What's that?

My daughter wanted you to roast me.

Oh, really? I don't want to roast you. I
want to put my pinky in your butt.

I love sexy, older Mexican women.

What do you do?

I used to be an office manager, and now
I'm retired.

Oh, that's nice.

Do you like being retired?

Yes. Do you like having your pinky in my
butt right now?

Feels really good.

I hope so.

Oh, shit.

Hang out for a second.

Maybe you can give some advice to this
young gringa right here.

Holy shit.

Is this a photo negative?

What do you do?

I'm a lawyer.

Holy mackerel. A lawyer.

Steve, another lawyer. You got some
competition.

This is my friend Steve. He's a local
immigration lawyer.

What's that?

Criminal. Criminal lawyer?

This is my buddy Steve.

You heard an ambulance chaser? He's a
raft chaser over here.

So you're a lawyer, and you live down
here, huh? Born and raised in the

yeah. And you're so bilingual. Is that
because you're born and raised here? I'm

second generation Mexican -American,
yeah.

I'm learning. I'm learning about how it
all works and stuff like that. So even

though you look like you're from Norway,
you're actually a second generation

Mexican -American.

We all come in different colors and
shapes and sizes. You come in like three

your own right here.

Damn, you look super cute. Do you have a
boyfriend?

No, I'm single.

Single.

Do you want to meet my abuela?

I know she would.

She can hold the camera if you want,
whatever you want to do.

It's all fine.

I need a lawyer in my life.

I need a lawyer in my life. Where are we
at, Steve?

Steve's a local immigration attorney. He
helps a lot of people out here. And,

you know, he does very well, mostly just
bailing his brothers out of jail. But

why do you love being an attorney and
helping people out, trying to come into

America? Why do you love it?

because everybody's afraid of the Border
Patrol coming to their house, what are

we going to do, blah, blah, blah.

But when you let them know, you know
what, you have a right not to say

You have a right to not let them in your
house and stuff like that. That

empowers them and it makes them feel
better, and in turn I feel better

of that.

Every single case is different, right?

Everyone's case is unique, but every
case has the same ending, right?

That'll be $800.

What's up, Tony? How you doing, Tony?

It's my friends Tony and Melissa. I
visited them while I was in Brownsville

week. Give it up for Tony and Melissa.
They got married yesterday. Is that

right? Yeah?

Married yesterday?

Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you so
much.

What made you two finally want to roll
down the aisle?

That's too much, councilman? Future ex
-councilman?

Wow.

I love that your honeymoon is a trip
to...

Hope Park to see me.

Who's this creepy guy right here? Come
here, bud. My name's Jolie Rubio.

Jolie Rubio? Yeah. And what's your
story?

I'm a member of the Brownsville
Unification Committee.

I'm going to do him a favor.

You're a member of the what?

Brownsville Unification Committee.

Brownsville Bike and Pedestrian Advisory
Committee.

I love how you massaged me while you
told me that.

Oh, that feels so good.

Your breath smells like his balls.
That's all I'm saying.

Which smell like tequila. I don't know
what's going on with these two.

Well, you know how it is, you know.

We love to promote Brown Soul.

Okay, we're doing it right now. Thank
you very much.

And this is Hope Park.

Beautiful. One of the first.

projects that the beautification
committee did in the city of

do they call it Hope Park?

Because they hope you go to rehab?

Come on, I'm teasing.

I'm teasing.

No, no, no, I'm teasing.

I'm teasing.

I'm teasing. This is a night to come out
and have a good time, and he's in the

spirit.

If I was in charge, I would mix homeland
security with social security.

Yeah, when people retire, you give them
a lounge chair and some binoculars and

you put them on the border.

Young man, get off my fence!

Who else is here, I wonder? Where are my
coyotes at?

I kept hearing about these coyotes who
traffic desperate humans across the

border. What sort of person earns their
living that way?

So in the four years you've been a
coyote, how many people do you think you

brought over to America?

Thousands of people.

Thousands? Yeah.

Do you ever stay in touch with the
people? Do you know if they made it? Do

know if they lived?

No, not really. No, not at all. No, just
pick up, drop off, never see me again.

Do you carry a gun when you do this? Who
protects you from them?

What if they turn on you?

They won't. They're more scared than
doing that. Because when you go to the

people to get transported and stuff like
that, you have to go through a process.

They need pictures. They need addresses.

They need phone numbers.

They need everything. Even if you have
kids, they need pictures of your kids,

family, mom, dad, everything.

So if you decide that you want to run
and not pay, you got your family right

there. Wow, you're in dangerous work,
dude.

Yeah, it's pretty dangerous. And
sometimes, like when people don't pay

stuff, too.

You have to hold them for a little bit.

Sometimes they don't come up with the
money completely, and that's another

we've got to be doing, too, taking care
of them for a couple of days until they

come up with the rest of the money. And
if they don't pay and the family doesn't

happen, what do you do? Now you own
them. Yeah, pretty much. What do you do?

Put them to work.

Put them to work?

Mm -hmm.

Get kids and stuff?

Yeah, anything.

That's crazy.

Yeah, it sure is.

So in a way, you're kidnapping, too.
Pretty much.

How do you feel about that?

Not good, but it's money in the pocket.

You sleep okay?

Yeah, sure do.

You think this wall's going to mess up
your living?

It ain't going to stop nothing. You're
exactly the reason Trump wants to build

the wall.

It ain't going to stop nobody.

It's just another wall.

That's it.

You're going to go under it, around it?
I can go under it, around it, through

it. There's always a way.

Always a week.

If the president was watching you right
now, what would you tell him?

Kiss my ass.

Yeah. I don't like the president too
much, but, you know, a better him than

Hillary, I'll tell you that much. Why is
that?

I don't know. I just don't know about a
woman being, well, her being the

president. I don't think so.

Her or any woman? No, just her. Just
her. She was too shysty.

Shysty. As if you're not shysty. Yeah.

You're the shystyest guy I've ever met.
Probably.

When you buy a car, is the first thing
you check the trunk space?

No.

Yeah, man, these coyotes, I've been
doing my research. What a crazy thing

is, man. That's a rough trip over the
border with these coyotes, man.

People in America, the rest of America,
have no idea, man. They think United

Airlines treats their passengers bad.

United might drag you off the plane, but
they're never going to shove coke up

your ass and stuff you in the overhead
compartment for a couple weeks.

Where my, let's see, you know, where my
Muslims at?

For real?

What's up, dude?

I'm not into banning people. I think
that's wrong. The Muslim ban feels

to me. It feels un -American to ban
people from six different Muslim

You know, you can't, you ban, it would
be so bad for the economy to ban all the

people from Iran and Syria and Yemen.
That's a trillion dollars in laser hair

removal down the drain.

Many people come over the border because
they're escaping political or religious

persecution back home.

I went to a shelter to see what it's
like to live like a refugee.

How do people find this place if they
need it? Generally, they all find us in

immigration detention centers.

So when people come to the border and
they ask for asylum, they immediately

put in prison.

And they're there for anywhere from
three months to a year and a half or so.

take people to their immigration
hearings. We take people to their ICE

-ins. And ICE actually releases people
to us. So an ICE van will pull up here

and deliver someone.

Yeah, they do. They'll drop people off
in chains.

Yeah.

So here's one of our bedrooms.

Knock, knock.

You're braiding hair?

Could you do me next?

Wow. One, two, three, four, six beds in
here. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. How are you doing?

I'm Jeff. Nice to meet you.

Where are you ladies from?

Ethiopia. My name is Winta. She's very
nice from Ethiopia. And these guys, the

four of them all came from immigration
detention centers. Wow.

Why prison? It's just criminal to come
and try to just come here? You didn't

to sneak in. You tried to just come,
right?

Yeah, they just came to the border and
asked for refugee status.

Where are you ladies from?

Eritrea.

Why did you ladies leave Eritrea to come
here?

Because our government is a dictatorship
and it doesn't allow for religion

like Pentecostal religion.

And also there is a lot of people in
prison.

Yeah. And the pastors are all in prison.

The pastors are all in prison? Yes.

How did you get out?

But did you have to escape?

Yeah, they shoot you if they catch you
leaving.

So brave.

I get so scared to get out of my regular
comfort zone. And if someone told me I

had to escape from my country, I don't
know what I would do.

Are you religious ladies?

Yeah, they're all very religious.

What religion, if you don't mind?

Christian Orthodox.

Christian Orthodox.

Wow.

How about you, Pamela?

What's your religion?

Catholic. Everybody understands me. It's
amazing. I'm so impressed.

We learn here in England. You learn
English here?

Yeah, on Monday to Wednesday we have
English class.

Now, most of the Africans speak a lot of
languages. How many do you guys speak?

I speak my language Amharic.

Italian language, Spanish, Arabic,
English. Whoa, slow down, slow down.

Arabic, Italian, Spanish,

English.

You should be a teacher.

Was it hard to come here? Was it scary?

Yes, it's hard because I come crossing
too much country. I'm not come direct.

Before Ethiopia to Sudan, after Sudan,
Libya, after Libya in Italy, after in

Italy, Spanish, Spain.

You must have a lot of frequent flyer
miles.

All these women have jobs.

So when people talk about banning
refugees, that includes ladies like

Hardworking people who would make fine
citizens.

What a blessing this place is.

304, 305.

She's what?

Oh, it's your lucky day. Got one illegal
alien female who is nine months

pregnant.

Any day delivery.

Hola.

My name is Jeff. I'm Jeff.

Nice to meet you. Can I say hi?

Nice to meet you.

Oh, can I wait here?

Where are you from?

Honduras. Honduras?

Mm -hmm.

Wow. Are you having a boy or a girl?

A niño or a niña? Niña.

Congratulations.

That's awesome.

Gracias. You happy to be here?

You wanted

your baby to be born in America, huh?

Of course. Por supuesto.

The greatest place.

What does America mean to you?

It's a great help for people from
another country.

There are a lot of good people here.

Yeah.

And what's your dream now? What's your
American dream?

Congratulations on the baby and the
United States. Congratulations.

Welcome. Coming down here this week
really made me

appreciate how hard it is to get into
America. It made me appreciate how lucky

am that I was born here.

I really do feel lucky.

This really is the greatest country on
earth.

And I think it's important that we do
everything we can to protect it. But not

just our borders, our laws, our health,
our humanity.

We have to protect all these things. At
the end of the day, we're just people,

right? We're just people. Some are a
little uglier than others.

Mexican Shrek in the front row.

But we're all just people and we have to
live here together whether we like it

or not.

So if you did come to this country
illegally.

On behalf of taxpaying Americans, I ask
you, work hard, love

your country, and don't be a pendejo.

Because this country is yours too now.

This land is your land.

This land is my land.

Even though we stole it from the Native
Americans.

From the Oval Office to the Texas
border.

This land was made for you and me.

From Albert Einstein to Drake and
Rihanna to

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mildred, his
Latina

housekeeper -turned -baby -mama.

They all came here from shittier places
because this land is where they

want to be.

Sorry, Mexico, I hate to break it to
you, but this land ain't your land.

If you're listening on the other side,
I'm sorry for the drama.

I bet you miss Obama.

Shout out to the immigrants who come to
America and do the jobs that Americans

don't want to do, like marry the
president.

I left the border wishing we were all
more like the people of the Rio Grande

Valley. Informed, patriotic people with
different opinions, living side by side,

respecting one another's realities, and
even laughing at the same things.

I always say, comedy brings people
together.

Nobody wants bad hombres getting in. And
I'm no politician or security expert,

but it seems obvious that we the people
need to find safer and more dignified

ways for good folks from every origin to
come to America to pursue their freedom

and their dreams, just like my family
did.

As for Elsie, the next night in a
detention center, she gave birth to a

Texan baby girl.

And on behalf of all the undocumented
people I met, I challenge our elected

officials to remember where their
ancestors came from and to be more

compassionate when writing their
speeches and their laws.

Roast on, America.

Roast on.

Give us your tired, your poor, your
hungry. First round's on me. I love you

guys. Thank you for coming to the show.

Appreciate you so, so much.

Thank you for coming.

Appreciate it.

Enough with the bread already.