All language subtitles for 2004 - The Adventures of Van Helsing

I wasn't here yesterday to learn the
dance routine.

Do you think you could show it to me,
Mrs.

Vanderbean?

Okay, this is the last time.

You'd better learn this, otherwise
you'll fail phys ed.

muscle, Mrs.

Vanderbean, from the routine.

Do you think you could check it for me
to see if I need to go to the nurse?

Does this hurt?

I think we're getting to the tender
part.

had a dream that physical was when my
cousin Cephalia came to visit for a

I guess I better go for a walk and walk
off that nightmare.

I ordered for you already.

Oh, BLT.

My favorite.

Well, I'm glad you could make it out
tonight.

I mean, you always have your nose buried
in those books. I never get a chance to

talk to you. Yeah.

Hey, it sure is nice to have someone
want to hang out with me.

I don't really have any friends at
school.

And besides, no one invited me to any
costume parties tonight.

Yeah, me neither.

Hey, my granddad told me my family comes
from a long line

of vampire slayers.

Haven't you ever heard of the Van
Helsing?

You mean Eddie Van Helsing is your
father?

I love him! The guitar player?

No! No!

Oh.

Hey, um... You like boys?

Of course I do, dummy, don't you?

Yeah, I guess I like guys.

But I don't know, they make me feel kind
of funny.

Yeah, funny in the pants.

Okay, what about Professor Dalton in
history?

Do you think he's hot?

I don't know, I guess.

Hey, haven't you ever seen those two
girls that practically hang all over him

after class? From the Pi -Ada -Pi
sorority? Oh, yes.

Huey and Dewey.

Yeah, those are the only two girls I
ever saw hold hands before.

That's because they're carpet munchers,
Will.

Huh?

Carpet munchers.

Purveyors of hoontang pie.

Labia leakers.

Lesbians. Oh.

Okay, listen, Will.

If you like guys, then you need to learn
how to talk to them.

You gotta get your nose up out of these
books long enough to... carry a

conversation. And who knows, you just
might get lucky.

No, no way. I'd be way too scared.

Forget it.

Can I get you to anything else?

Yeah, just the check, handsome.

Well, he's kind of cute, don't you
think?

I can't talk to him. I'd be way too...

I've got it.

I'm going to go over there and talk to
him, and then maybe... No!

Don't! Why, what's the worst that could
happen?

What if he gets all excited and whips
out his penis?

Okay, well, I don't think he's going to
whip out his penis right here.

I mean, maybe something.

Hey, hey, hey. You gonna give me a tip
this time?

What do you mean?

I tipped you plenty the other time. All
right, look, lady, you've been coming

here for over a month, and the most you
ever left me was, uh, ten cents.

So what's wrong with that?

You know what? It's the 21st century,
lady, okay?

You can't even make a phone call with a
dime anymore.

All right, look, you don't have to get
all pissy about it, okay?

College girls aren't loaded with money,
you know.

Actually, you want to make a good tip?

See that girl sitting over there?

Oh, you mean that skankwad sitting over
there?

She is not a skankwad.

And actually, she's very hot. She just
dresses that way when she goes out so

that guys leave her alone.

Really?

Do you want a good tip or not?

Okay. But it's going to cost you.

Cool. Look, all you have to do is just
walk over there and talk to her very

nicely.

Trust me, this girl practically worships
the ground that you walk on.

She'll do just about anything for you.
And all I gotta do is go over there and

be nice to her.

That's it?

I'm just gonna walk over there, and then
you come around in about two minutes,

okay? Whatever.

Okay, it's all set. I've talked to him,
and he really likes you. I wish you

didn't do that!

What if I make a fool out of myself?

What am I supposed to say?

Do I look okay? I mean, do I have
anything in my teeth?

Relax. Be yourself.

Here it comes.

Look, I hope he doesn't get excited. I
don't want him whipping his penis out

poking me in the eye.

Hey there.

You're all right.

Yes, he's fine. Really, really.

My name is Mark.

Oh, no!

Jesus Christ! I'm so sorry!

Oh, shit!

Oh!

Oh, no, I think he's getting excited.

You're not going to whip your penis out,
are you? Whip out my what?

Carpet munchers, purveyors of tang,

labia, lesbians, lesbians, lesbians,

lesbians.

Prevails of food, health, health, radio.

Carpet muncher.

It's you?

Should I?

Oh.

For Christ's sake, walk toward the big
tree to your left.

Phil.

Hey, kid.

Phil. Whoa!

Well, it's about time.

Jeez, you have to talk to your blue in
the face around here to get anyone to

talk to you.

But you're not Phil.

Who the hell are you?

I am your great, great, great uncle,
Abraham Van...

Never felt better in my life, actually.

Well, then, why are you all blue and
dead looking?

Actually, uh... You were right the first
time. I am dead.

But merely a technicality.

Okay.

So, what do you want?

What do I want?

A nice tall drink of ale and a wench
with really big... Sorry.

Look, actually, I wanted to, uh...

Tell you something.

Yes, that's it. Tell you something. But
first, have you read the sacred book?

You mean the Bible?

No. It got way too boring. Christ, no.

This is a work of non -fiction. I'm
talking about your sacred book of your

lineage. Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Oh, yeah. I read that book. Oh, and I
saw all the movies, too. I particularly

liked the one with Gary Oldman. Nice
performance.

Oh, and did you see that scene with
Keanu Reeves? He was so hot in this one.

Shut up!

Listen, fuck the movies. The movies got
it wrong.

The book, that was correct.

You see, I killed Dracula back in 1897.

One of his brides escaped bearing child.

I followed her to Romania and killed
her, but alas, it was too late.

Child was left on a doorstep, raised by
an old couple.

Once she was old enough to know her true
nature, she drained their bodies of

blood and set out to destroy me.

You mean she killed you?

But I was told that you died of old age.

Oh. Oh, is that what your parents told
you? Oh, well, la -dee -freaking -da.

I suppose they're keeping some of the
family history a secret, are they?

Other than that, they were drunk. You
know, your great -great -grandfather was

quite the lush.

happened?

Funny you should ask.

Dracula's daughter bit me in the...

What?

In the ass, all right?

Right in the gluteus maximus. Right in
the naughty nether regions. Right in the

dark and stinky place.

They'll keep me to sleep in the nude.

So, why didn't you become a vampire?

Because, my dear, when a vampire bites
you in the ass, you don't turn.

You die of embarrassment.

This is why I'm here.

How are you here? I mean, you're dead
and stuff. Because I'm a ghost, you

fucklehead.

Sorry, I stopped.

Now, would you please just let me hurry
up and explain how you can fulfill your

destiny?

Your destiny.

To kill Dracula's daughter.

Get out of town!

I'm trying, believe me.

Really? Yes, yes, and she's very close
by, and you must destroy her. You are

last of the vampire slayers, my dear.

And it is your mission to continue the
legacy of the Van Helsings by continuing

to destroy all of these vile creatures.

What's wrong?

But I can't do that.

I'm a member of PETA.

Regardless, you must destroy her to keep
her from spreading her evil through all

of mankind.

look like, I can do it. I'm dead for
fuck's sake. In my condition, I can't

open a jar of hemorrhoid cream. Okay,
fine.

Take it easy.

Geez. Now, pay attention.

Go down this row of tombstones, hang a
left, and the crypt is at the back.

You mean she lives here?

Yes. Lucky for you.

Lucky for all of us. But it's very
important that you destroy her. It is

destiny.

I'm going to find her and avenge the
family name.

Good, good. That's my girl. Oh, and
listen.

When you do kill her, make sure it
really hurts like a bitch.

Get that little ass clown for taking a
chunk out of my hindquarters.

Okay.

Should have known that wouldn't work.

Oh, and after I clean up the poker game,
perhaps I can take you out for some

pizza. Really?

Shrimp scampi.

That's so great.

Ovaltine.

Ta -ta for now.

Look me a lady tonight.

I'm playing poker tonight.

Just the liking tropes.

Ah, now with that pesky kid out of the
way, maybe I can enjoy a small show

before the game tonight.

Amen.

Ha ha ha!

Stupid Van Helsing's always getting
distracted by things.

Who dare into my safe place?

We'll help, we'll help.

How dare you deserve this?

You heartless kiddo.

Who are you?

Thanks. Okay.

Prepare to die, you bloodsucker.

You broke my pencil.

That was the only number two pencil I
had.

Who are you, puny morsel?

Van Helsing.

Wilhelmina Van Helsing.

You're a Van Helsing? How the mighty
have fallen.

And you're Dracula's daughter, aren't
you?

Yes. I am Countess Dracula.

At your service.

Good. I just wanted to make sure I had
the right tune.

Oh. Oh, yeah. It is my destiny to
destroy you!

You blood -sucking fiend!

You!

Oh, really?

And why, may I ask, must you destroy me?

Because you bit my great -great -great
-uncle in the ass.

Yes.

Abraham Van Helsing.

I seem to remember his nether region was
rather pimply.

Dirty man.

If one would just bathe properly, one
wouldn't have that problem.

Do you hear what I'm saying, darling? I
mean, you really could use a good hose

and down.

Forget that!

I must avenge my family and destroy you.

One moment before you destroy me.

Excuse me, I, uh... Excuse me.

Stop that.

What then?

Just look.

Look at my ring.

Yeah. Nice, is that right?

Walmart has something like it for $9
.99, I saw.

There is no other ring on this earth
like this.

Look deeply.

Look into the fire within the chamber.

You are getting sleepy.

Very sleepy.

Not that sleepy.

Listen to me.

I must have the blood of virgins in my
veins before this night is out, or I

lose my youthful appearance and turn
into an old hag.

The only virgins around these days are
lesbians.

Lesbians?

What are these lesbians?

Uh, you know, carpet munchers, hair pie
aficionados.

Tight.

Look, they don't have sex with men.

So unless they lost it to a vibrator,
technically they're virgins.

Lesbians.

I think they might just do the trick.

Go. Go then and get me these lesbians.
Okay. But wait, how do I get them to

back here?

The stone in this pendant.

It's similar to the one in my ring.

You will memorize them.

Do you mean mesmerize?

Oh, yes.

Mesmerize them.

They will be unable to resist your
imitation.

Just tell them we're having a big party.

Okay. So I bring you virgins.

What's in it for me?

Immortality.

Immortality?

My life.

Duck, I don't want to be around here
forever.

Got anything better?

Whatever. I'll do what I can do.

Go. Go and get me these virgins,
lesbians.

Okay. Deal.

Okay.

Let's go find us some lesbians.

Hey, this is the place.

Huey and Dewey's dorm.

This game is called Good Cop and Bad
Cop.

Unfortunately, Good Cop is out for the
evening and you've been very bad.

Tell me where you put my red dress that
you borrowed yesterday.

I, I, I swear I didn't take it.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe this will help you remember.

Where

is

it? I swear, I swear I didn't take it.

I think you might need a little more
convincing to remember.

Yes. I mean, no. No, please don't.

Oh.

any party you'd be invited to, be like,
woo, out of control.

You will attend a party tonight at the
crypt in the graveyard.

Oh, and you will bring your friend, too.

Attend a party.

Bring a roommate.

What time are we supposed to be there?

Midnight. And don't be late.

Oh, and I don't... think you will need
to bring any clothes because you

certainly won't be keeping them on for
very long.

How am I supposed to get there? Just go
to the graveyard and look for the

sign next to the crypt.

You can't miss it.

Graveyard.

Boy, I could get used to this.

Okay, well, I can't stand here all day.
I've got way more lesbians to find.

You know, dear, we should really do

something tonight other than watching
TV.

Okay, let's do something.

Yeah.

What should we do?

Something.

We should have sex.

Sex? Let's do it. Bye, Jupiter.

Dear, dear, please don't swear, okay?

I'm sorry. I just got so excited.

By the way, I picked up a little
something I can wear during our, uh...

okay.

I'll go downstairs, and I'll put on my
outfit, and you can go upstairs and put

on yours, and then we'll meet back here.

All right?

Super.

Don't be low.

Oh, baby.

You look wonderful.

Are you ready, dear?

I'm ready.

Okay.

Now get on your knees, you slivering
little...

you piece of shit.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hiya, you turd.

Interesting, but let's move on.

I don't know.

Let's change the subject.

What's that for?

That's our cherry -flavored massage oil.
It heats up when you breathe on it.

It's one of our top sellers.

Really?

Absolutely. I practically have to pre
-order stuff by the gallon because it

so quick.

Well, if it heats up, where would you
put it?

Uh, you put it on.

Ah, hell.

Instead of trying to explain it, why
don't I just show you?

This stuff has a tendency to stain, so
these are going to have to come off too.

Wilhelmina.

Wilhelmina.

I have a little bone to pick with you,

my dear.

What? Well, I send you out to kill
Dracula, and you just end up

lining up victims for her. Am I wrong?

It's all a part of my cunning plan.

Oh. Oh, cunning plan is it, huh? What
cunning plan is this?

Well, when Dracula gets all the virgins
in her tomb, she'll be so distracted,

I'll be able to destroy her.

Ah, and with what item exactly do you
plan to destroy her?

Well, I first tried to stake her with my
wooden pencil, but she broke it. So I'm

thinking that maybe I'll try a wooden
pen.

Are you sure you're not switched at
birth?

Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

See, I've been discovering a lot of new
things about myself.

Oh, such as?

Well, when I was watching those women, I
became very excited.

Someplace special.

Ah, so you are a true Van Helsing in the
grand moth -diving tradition.

What do you mean?

Oh, well, you see, you're great -great
-great -aunt Sophie.

began the whole Van Helsing lesbian
tradition by ravishing and sucking the

off anything with a skirt within a
thousand acres.

In fact, I do believe to this day the
only reason the woman married me was

because of all the women under my
employ, both at the manor and under my

tutelage at the university.

In fact, I'll never forget the day I
stumbled on her with one of the maids.

Horny devil had her bare backside
sticking straight in the air whilst

down on the young lady.

I confronted her about it, naturally.

She laughed in my face, said that I was
a lousy lay and that she had to find her

jollies elsewhere.

By that time, she had already snookered
every maid in the household and started

to work her way through all the
secretaries and students at the

What was I to do?

I'll tell you what I did do.

I poured so much absinthe down that
girl's throat, she never realized I had

poked her like a prized dud.

It's because of that blessed event, my
dear, that the Van Helsing line has

continued to this day.

So, I come from a long line of lesbians?

Hardcore lesbians at that.

Oh, and if you're Van Helsing in that
manner, then you share some other Van

Helsing traits as well. Did she try to
hypnotize you at all?

Yes, she did.

But you know what? I was never really
hypnotized.

I just wanted to see all the lesbians.

Ah, yes.

That's right. No man, woman, or vampire
could ever successfully hypnotize a Van

Helsing. So, she just thinks you're
doing her bidding.

Yep.

Well, I underestimated you, kid. I've
got to hand it to you.

You know, I think I can help you with
this cunning little plan of yours.

Oh, what should I do?

Well, first, what you have to do is get
some chicken wire and a couple of boxes

of...

Oh, Bill Maher. How many girlfriends do
you have?

None, really.

Unless you count my dog Spunky.

Why do you call her Spunky?

Well, she just did. You know, when you
kind of hold her a certain way.

You know what I'm talking about.

Well, I see you two are getting along
well.

Will, where have you been?

Why? Did you miss me?

Well, yeah, actually, Mark and myself
were here just talking.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, waiter boy, do you serve pizza in
the dump?

Uh, yeah, sure we do.

Good. You got any hot?

I need it in a hurry.

Yeah, we got a whole pepperoni pie
downstairs.

Good. Why don't you throw some extra
garlic on it and sell it to me, would

To go.

I'll be right back.

It's not what's gotten into me.

It's what I want to get into.

Come again?

Phil, since the last time I've seen you,
I think I've found myself.

I know what I want to do with the rest
of my life.

Which is what?

Eat at the Y.

Okay.

So I guess I'll...

around, Will.

Here we go.

How much do I owe you?

It's on me.

So is some spaghetti sauce.

All right, well, here's your tip.

And you better wear two condoms with
that one.

Thanks.

Oh, and...

and be careful with that, okay? There's
an awful lot of garlic on it.

Thanks, Martin.

You're a good boy.

You'll go far in food service.

They can't miss it now.

I did what you told me.

Did you

bring

me these lesbians?

Mm -hmm.

I sure did.

It wasn't easy, but I got all of them,
just like you said.

Excellent.

Where are they?

Well... I told them to be here by
midnight, so they should be here any

They'd better be here, or else you'll be
dead.

Don't get your nipples in a twist.

They'll be here.

But you know what?

I think it would be a better idea if you
weren't in the room when they arrived.

You don't want to scare them and stuff.

Why would that matter, silly mortal?

They'll still be hypnotized.

Well, actually...

Only some of them are hypnotized. The
others are just coming because their

girlfriends asked them to.

I told you to hypnotize all of them.

Well, what's the difference? They're
coming anyways, and they'll be here any

minute. So look, I really think it's a
better idea if you wait until they're

occupied before you do your thing.

All right.

But if there aren't virgins here within
the hour, you will pay Van Helsing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're gonna be here.
Oh!

I think I hear them now.

Hide in the coffin, okay?

I'm gonna go see who it is.

Cripped.

Midnight.

It's a mess. with you tonight.

You've been saying that all night.

Although sex in the crypt sounds kind of
kinky.

I'm really glad you could all make it
tonight.

Hey, who the fuck are you?

You're that loser from history class.

Like the one who was the crush on
Professor Dalton.

Yeah, that's me.

Well, why don't you go on in and make
yourself comfortable?

Where are the others?

I hope they get here quick.

Hello. Is this where the party's at?

Yep, this is the place.

I brought some stuff from my product
line to liven things up a bit. Oh,

just wonderful.

Look, the others have arrived already.
Why don't you go on in and introduce

yourselves? My friend's a little loud of
it. I hope she doesn't spoil the party.

Oh.

I'm sure whatever it is, it'll pass
quickly, especially once the festivities

started. I sure hope so.

Come on, Cindy.

Okay,

they're all here.

Uncle Abraham, let's hope that tonight I
can fulfill...

Now you will all stare deeply into the
pendant.

You will remove all your clothing.

kiss one another, and engage in
lesbian...

It what?

An aphrodisiac. It heightens sexual arou
-

to keep you up all night, or in your
case, all day, with indigestion.

Too bad you're choking.

Didn't your father ever tell you to chew
all your food thoroughly before

swallowing it?

Time to fulfill my destiny.

Die!

I don't remember coming here.

I definitely remember coming.

What

the

hell is going on here, Van Helping?

Didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to
talk with your mouth full?

Time to fulfill the other part of my
destiny.

Hello, destiny!

Yes, yes, that's my girl. A true Van
Helsing.

You.

I should have known you were behind
that.

Well,

tough titty, isn't it, Dracul?

Didn't think the girl had it in her, did
you?

Filthy man.

I will have my revenge someday.

That's rich.

I see you still have that little
problem, old man.

I guess being dead hasn't alleviated the
situation.

Yes, well...

Things I had at the time of death I took
with me to the grave. But at least I

can find some relief, which is more than
I can say for you, Biat.

What do you mean?

At least I know how to scratch my little
lids. You, on the other hand, will have

to spend eternity being constantly
horny.

Looks like she got the point.

Wilhelmina, do be careful with that
thing, darling. It looks like it could

dangerous. Hmm.

Well, all of you gentlemen out there who
are too busy zipping up your pants to

have turned off the player just yet,

I'm the little surprise at the end that
you see while the credits are rolling.

The director promised me a little soft
shoe or production number or something,

and he didn't come through, so now's my
chance.

I'd like to do a little number called
Good Vibrations.

Good Vibrations.

I'm ready for my paycheck.

It

is now

5 .30 in the morning.