Original subtitles

Well, kids, sorry to love you and leave you, but I got a hot date in

Philadelphia. Oh, Danny. Your car is three minutes away.

Oh. How's your mom, Danny?

You know Beverly. She fell off her porch, and she's acting like she got a

bite. Well, she's a tough cookie. Yeah, I just got to be there until she gets

out of the hospital, and then Aunt Pam can take over.

You think you'll make it back before Christmas, though?

I'm going to try. Well, in case you don't make it back before Christmas,

should have a really fast Christmas right now.

We still have three minutes, right? Well, actually, we're down to one right

Oh, fuck.

Santa! Get out the Christmas cookies! Start singing your Christmas carol!

Go!

That's what you're going with?

It's so fast and high.

It's just a couple of days.

And you sure you don't want me to come with you? No.

But I want to be here.

It's a sexy gingerbread man calendar.

And there's one where he's wearing icing for chap.

I love you.

Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas.

Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas.

Ding dong, ding dong, that is the song. With joyful rain, all caroling.

This song is stressful as shit.

to the Council of Trent during the Protestant Reformation.

You guys want to hear more about it?

No need to answer. Your faces betray you.

Guys,

do you mind if I leave a bit too early?

Just my mother's Christmas treat. Still thinks she worries they will crush her

grandchild. I have to go pick up my cousins, chainsaws.

You know, Italian Claude is wielding the chainsaw.

Okay. All right.

I promise I'll check in later, okay?

Enjoy the tour.

Love you. Bye. Ciao, ciao.

So, you want to go inside and read all the little plaques?

You know what?

No. Since we've been here, we've visited three churches and walked by five live

nativities. No, look, another one. Six.

Wow, Joseph is stacked.

What if we did something not religious tonight, like a romantic meal? Oh, I

could definitely eat.

Okay, yeah, great. So table for three.

Oh, sorry.

You guys won't have a romantic dinner.

No, Anne, we can all go. No, you know what?

Yesterday I promised myself today I would be a new woman.

No. First things first, a new walk.

Wow, wow, wow.

I thought she said Newark.

Hey.

Hi.

How's Beverly?

Oh, I'm right as rain, baby.

She cracked her pelvis and she needs surgery.

I may need to stay a little longer than I thought.

I should be there. Should I come too late?

No, no, no. It's all under control.

But the doctor says that we may need to look into a living situation with more

hands -on care.

Oh, you better not be talking about putting me in no home.

People get raped in those.

I saw that on Action News.

I'm not. I'm talking about Aunt Pam.

Pam's on her way.

We'll figure out a plan once she gets here.

I'm already here.

Aunt Pam?

I'm sorry I'm late.

I got on the wrong bus and went the other way off. Hey.

Hi. You all right, sugar?

I'm all right. How are you doing?

It's that car.

Mm -hmm.

Hey, baby. Hi.

Oh, my God.

She shrunk like a sweater in the dryer.

She can't take care of you, Mom.

I'm getting a flight tonight. No, no, no, no, no. I've got it all handled.

This is just like the owl garden in the caucus.

You think I can take my shoes off here? Because I have seen more than one person

do it there.

This is very nice, Jack. I'm glad we're doing this. Me too.

Look, I know I've been a bummer. No.

But I kind of had a breakthrough yesterday.

Oh, tell me.

I have spent so much this year trying to pretend I'm fine. But the only way to

feel better is to really admit where you're at.

Yeah, kind of like how I decided to start telling my doctor the real number

drinks I have every week. It is not zero to two.

Right. And where I'm at right now is my lowest low.

I just, I feel like a loser who's failed at everything he's tried to do this

year. What do you mean? What did you fail at?

Everything.

Honoring our friend.

Thanksgiving. I didn't run the marathon. Listen, you tried your best. And you

did honor Nick. Remember you got that website to name a star after him?

That was nice. I shouldn't have called it a scam. And when I get more ink, I

will print the certificate, okay?

Okay.

Yes, let's decide what we're going to get. What looks good to you?

I don't know.

Hey, can we just have, like, a nice evening?

We are.

I mean, I just said, I don't know.

I haven't even read the secondies. Yeah, but you failed at everything this year.

I mean, honey, you don't always have to sink to the depth.

Well, no, I don't always have to, but we can't never go there. You know, this

year was hard on me too, Jack, but I don't dwell on it. I just try to keep

moving. Wow. Well, you're so strong and cool. Congratulations.

Oh, come on. It's the only thing that I'm trying to get out here. May I play a

song for the beautiful couple? Yes, please.

Se tu pensi di dover andare, vai.

Ma lui mi ha detto di non andare, mamma. Ma che faccio?

Nessuno ti deve dire che cosa fare.

Tu sei Claude.

I am.

Are you busy?

No, I am just, you know, trying to decorate for Gino's first Christmas. But

have not really had time yet.

His stocking is like a knee sock from when I was Britney Spears for Halloween.

Oh, honey, he's just a baby. You have at least until they turn five until they

start remembering your fog ups.

Hey, hon, do you remember that duck that I gave Gino when we were down the

shore? I do, yeah. He plays with it in the bath sometimes.

Did you happen to notice a phone number on the bottom of it?

Yes, I did.

Hang on.

It's somewhere in here.

If I can't find it, can I interest you in this guy?

Oh, yeah. He's a very generous lover.

I got it.

Ooh, texting you a pic right now.

Yeah.

Oh. Are you going to call Mac Brad? Thanks, Jenny.

Hello?

Hi, Mark.

It's Anne.

We met and had sex at the Jersey Shore.

I had sex with like 30 people at the Jersey Shore, so... Oh, you did. No, no,

didn't. That was a joke. I'm joking.

That was funny.

Hi, Ann.

How are you?

I'm good.

I'm actually in Italy.

No way.

Yeah, I was... I don't know. I just was thinking about you. Wait, Ann. I feel

like I should tell you that I...

Good for you.

That is not why I was calling.

That sounded weird.

I was actually calling to tell you that I have moved to Italy.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah, and so I'm just calling all my contacts to let them know that. So

why I called.

Congratulations.

Yeah. And I am dating someone, too.

His name is Giampiero, and he is mi amore, and that is why I'm calling.

Yeah, if you are ever in Italy... Actually, Tori and I were just

maybe we take a trip in the summer.

Great. Cool.

I'll be here. You should come visit.

Maybe we will.

I can't wait.

I thought their bread was really good.

Yeah. Yeah, I liked that it was warm.

Yeah.

Fermi, per favore.

Scusi.

What's happening here?

Domani c 'è una maratona.

What'd she say?

Marijuana? Maybe it's a maritime parade. That'd be cool. Let me see your phone.

Oh, my God, Jack. There is a marathon tomorrow.

You should do it.

What? No.

It's a sign. You have to.

No, I haven't trained in, like, a month.

I didn't pack any running clothes.

I just ate, like, 60 clams. This is how you turn this year around.

Imagine how good you would feel on the flight home. You would be a new man.

Okay, prego.

Gracias.

Hey,

I look stupid.

No, you look Italian.

All the people here are Italian. They look normal.

Well, I'm sorry. Claude's running clothes look a little different on you

him.

I really don't think I should be doing this. I mean, I haven't even trained at

this altitude.

You've got this, buddy.

You've got this.

I believe in you.

I'm going to be so happy you did this.

Hey, Ann.

It was nice hearing your voice today.

I'm just having a glass of wine here. Or, I mean, a pint of Guinness.

And I am watching boxing.

Definitely not no clothes.

Anyway, I hope you have a great day in Italy.

Send me a pic if you can. I'd love to see you in your new town.

Buongiorno!

Hey, um, will you do me a favor and take a picture of me where I look like I'm,

like, having fun and living a cool life?

Okay. Don't judge me, it's for Mark Brett.

Oh, copy that. Okay.

Real quick.

Smile.

Hold on.

Okay.

Okay. There's something a little awkward about your pose.

Like, your uterus is falling out.

Try that TikTok thing where you skip toward the camera.

Back up a little bit. Okay.

Great. Yeah, and skip.

I'm already halfway there.

Oh, honey, that's kilometers.

You've got like 20 miles left.

Oh, no, no, no.

You can do it. Oh, no, no, no.

You've got this. You've got this.

It's okay, I'll take a picture.

Do you mind?

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, God.

Oh, Jack, are you okay?

I can't do it, Kate. I think my body is shutting down.

No, you're so close to the finish line. You only have, like, three miles left.

It doesn't matter. I am done.

No, no, I am sorry. If you stop, you are going to regret this forever.

As your wife, I cannot let you quit. Nope, I have to.

All right, you want me to cross that finish line, you're going to have to

me there in a hearse.

Okay, come on. I'll run it with you.

But you're being insane.

Well, you're going to have to run if you want to tell me what a bitch I am. Come

on. Let's go. Come on.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You can do it.

We got this.

Danny?

I know I told you not to come, but I'm so glad that you're here.

Hey.

How's your mother?

She's okay.

But we have to talk.

Yeah, I understand.

I know this isn't what we planned, but my mom needs us.

So...

Can she come live with us in Italy?

What? Really?

Yeah. You will bring her to Italy?

Of course. That's her home now.

Is she excited?

Well...

Oh, very Lucy.

You want to buy some wine?

Oh, um... Okay.

Hi.

Hey, Ann.

Listen, I know that I encouraged it, but I think this has gone too far.

What?

We need to stop texting.

Sorry, I thought we were just having fun.

We were, and I just... Listen, I... After the shore, I was really hoping

you'd call.

And when you didn't, I moved on.

And I am certainly not trying to shame you, and I was definitely flirting, too.

But when you sent me that photo of your vagina, I thought that crossed the line.

What?

you know, say something before, you know, things went any further.

And I, I, I don't know. Hello?

Are you there?

Yes, I am. Listen, this is a huge misunderstanding.

Now, would I have loved to receive that photo in September? Yes, I would have.

I just, I think we should shut this down before it goes any further, both for

Tori and Jean -Pierre's sakes.

Yeah.

Yeah, I totally agree.

But it sure looks like you're living a wonderful life there, Ann.

And I'm really happy for you.

Bye.

Eduardo, it has to be a motorized lift.

Yes! I know how old the house is.

The internet says, if you take me to Italy...

That's human trafficking.

Uh -huh. Sure is.

Well, you can't live in your house alone anymore.

I'll move in with her.

There you go. No.

You're coming to Italy. It's just what has to happen.

Danny. Okay, okay. Eduardo, if you can't do it, I'll just have to find another

contractor who can. Okay? Ciao.

Eduardo thinks that he can't install the lift because the house is 400 years old

and it may collapse. It's fine. We'll just buy a different house. What?

Here's the thing. I'm not gonna go.

I don't trust the hairdressers. Where would my bank be?

Belle, brace yourself.

There's no Wawa in Italy.

Then there's no Beverly in Italy.

I don't blame you, girl. Mom, stop trying to die.

Hey, I don't think... Claude, I'm handling it.

Okay.

I'm gonna get some air.

Open your eyes.

You see me. And you.

Stop egging her on.

What do I do?

Please, let's just stop.

No, no, come on, Jack. You need this. No, I don't. I don't need this. You need

this. This is your bullshit.

No, it's not.

I'm helping you deal with your feelings.

No, I'm trying to deal with my feelings by sharing them with my wife.

And then you ask the violinist to play it over them.

How are we supposed to connect, huh?

No, just have fun.

Go to the movies. Pre -order food on AMC Stubbs. That's not a marriage, all

right? And why are you so afraid of the depths, Kate?

What do you got lurking down there? Nothing is lurking. Yeah, oh,

lurking, all right? You're going to be so obsessed with trying to fix me, there

wasn't something eating you up, too.

So what is it? Oh, I don't know. Who knows? Maybe I'm sad that vacation's

over. Come on.

Come on, come on, come on.

Yes, good.

Keep going.

Yeah, you keep going, too.

Oh, maybe I'm sad that...

Our child is grown, and I left the house, and I don't have a purpose.

And?

And I don't want to do this, Jack. I'm not like you. I don't like wallowing.

What? It's not wallowing. It's sharing.

It's sharing and wallowing.

And when you do it, I feel like I have to use all of my energy to keep us both

above water.

Why? You don't have to do it. Because if I also say every dark, horrible thing

that I am feeling, we will go down.

If I'm not a buoy, we are going to wind up on the ocean floor.

Look, I can be a buoy, too. All right? Just give me a chance.

Fine. If you keep running.

Come on. Spill it.

Fine. I am upset about many things. All right?

I'm at the pinnacle of a career that I worked my whole life for, and it's only

okay.

And my best friend moved away.

And our other friend died.

And oh, by the way, the world is real dark.

Every news story puts my stomach in knots.

My stomach was already in knots because my body doesn't work very good anymore.

And I worry that you and I are just going to get weirder and weirder and

pulling apart until we're living like...

strangers and all the neighborhood kids are gonna skip our house on halloween

because we're too creepy and sometimes honestly i'm afraid to die and

other times i'm like it seems nice like sure the big sleep right let's fucking

do it

I just put Gino down for a nap. I saw the photos on the family iCloud. Are you

having, like, the most insanely amazing time?

Jenny, those pictures are lies.

Today was a turd bucket, and then it ended with me sending Mark a vag pic.

Uh, yes, I actually did see that. I just, I thought it was European.

No. It was just old underwear with pad elastic.

You sound a little sad.

I used to know who I was.

Like, in my 20s, I was this wild.

creature just running around the east village and then i had lila and i was a

mom and now i'm just i'm just floundering okay that's not

yeah that's not the ann that i saw this year the ann i saw saved my literal life

she was capable and confident and she was my family when she definitely

did not have to be those photos aren't live

Those photos are you.

Who cares about stupid Mark Brett?

You can still live that way for yourself.

You're still a wild creature.

Mom, I'm begging you.

Please come to Italy.

Honey, I lived my whole life in Philadelphia.

But that's where we live now.

And Claude, our whole marriage has taken good care of me.

Gone along with every stupid idea I've ever had.

That man loves me, even though sometimes I don't deserve it.

Do you remember what I was like before I met him?

I sure do, you little asshole.

That's right.

He said... Oh, baby, please.

Don't get upset.

It's just Italy's the only thing he's ever asked for.

And he's so happy.

Please.

Mom, please.

Honey, I don't belong in Europe.

But there's a nursing home.

Five minutes from Pam, I can go there.

What? No.

No, no, no. My girlfriend, Gail, she lives there, and she said it's a nice

place. They got good pot.

What about action news?

Oh, well, it might not have been action news. It might have been SVU or

something like that. I'll be fine, baby. Don't worry about it.

Okay.

Here's what is going to happen.

Beverly, you will stay in your house, but you will move to the first floor.

Danny and I will take over the second floor. What? Yep.

You're going to move here and take care of your mother.

No. I am Claude, and you will do as I say.

Sound good?

Dude, we ran a marathon.

Well, I'm sorry if I got a little dark.

But I'm better now. I feel better.

I'm okay with dark. I want all of it.

So when you said you're not afraid of death.

I am. I am. Especially my car being submerged in water. I'm very afraid of

You know, we have the same fear.

Car being submerged?

You know, there's this hammer getting advertised on Instagram.

We'll pull away from each other like the older and weirder we get.

You know, when we were freeballing, it was awful.

We just got to remember to move towards each other, right?

Because otherwise we go insane.

I love you.

What are you guys doing?

Oh, Danny made us fantastic.

But the nurse won't let Beverly have any. Yeah, tight ass took my nom.

Well, we're all flying home tomorrow, Beverly. We'll sneak you in some rum

Thank you. That's exactly what she needs. Yes, I do.

Um, actually, I should probably tell you all something.

Um, I am not flying home tomorrow.

I am daying.

Oh, my god, Ann.

You are?

For how long?

I don't know.

Danny and Claude said that I could house it for a little while, and I'm just

craving a change of scenery.

Is this fan 2 .0?

No, I think this is fan classic.

All right, girl. Take your turn.

We love you in classic.

Oh, I can't.

Classic travel.

Yeah?

All right, Amy.

Good luck.

Let us know of any exciting updates.

Oh, yeah. I'm sure there will be tons.

Oh,

that's perfect.

That is perfect.

I live just over the way, and I've received quite a few packages for you.

opened one before I saw the name, and I regret to say I tried on a pair of your

trousers.

And they fit.

I'm sorry. I must have put the wrong address. I have terrible executive

functioning.

Sorry. My name is Anne.

Lovely to meet you.

I'm Jan Piero.

Do you want to come in?

Yeah. Yeah. Come and see where you go.

I mean, do they look good on you? You could keep them if they... Why do you do

that? Be honest. Tell me. I'll show you and you can just be absolutely honest.

Good night.

Big League Productions.