Original subtitles

Signore, mi dispiace.

What's that?

Dovete andare a piedi.

I think he's saying we have to walk the rest of the way. Oh, that sounds so nice

when you say this.

Why does English sound like throwing silverware in a drawer?

Amici, un giorno!

You look so happy!

Oh, I am. I'm with Danny and my family at the same time. I'm delirious. Let's

go. Everybody's waiting to meet you. Come, come, come.

Great, because I practice the traditional Italian greeting.

So,

this

is my mother, Gloria. My sister, Marlena.

My nieces, Paola and Mara, over there.

Paola Stombalelli down at the table.

My cousin Enzo, his wife Anna, those are their kids.

That's my nephew Fabio. And that's Tia Giulia.

It's a traditional greeting.

Welcome to Italy!

Come on!

There's you two here.

Lady of disdain. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Good to see you.

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. Come on, relax.

It's so good to see you.

Well, thank you for letting us come, huh? Especially after the last time we

each other.

I feel like I should address the 900 -pound turkey in the room. No, no, no.

necessary. I've already forgotten the squelch at night. Okay, well, you're all

getting apology presents anyway. All right, whatever you want. Money is no

object. Jack?

Yeah, I'm being told that money isn't an object.

Let's keep it under 50 bucks.

Okay, that's it. Let's have a toast.

In Italy,

we say, who finds a friend, finds a treasure.

Danny and I.

I found our treasure with you.

Thank you for coming.

Benvenuti in Italia e salute!

Salute!

I think I'm sexually attracted to Italian quad.

Ah, I am so tired.

Maybe we could just lay down for like ten minutes.

No, no, no. We have to fight through the jet lag and acclimate. Otherwise, we'll

spend the whole time taking breakfast naps.

You know, I don't think you have to keep apologizing for Thanksgiving.

They're your friends, and everyone loves you.

Yeah, like you love your deranged uncle who lives in an institution.

No one thinks you're crazy.

Sure.

So, uh, how was it seeing Danny?

That's fine.

Really? Because you did that fake high -pitched hi that you usually reserve for

my family.

Hi, I'm tolerating you.

What am I supposed to say? He's a grown man. He can live wherever he wants.

Yeah, and you can feel as heartbroken as you want. Oh, my God, heartbroken.

He's my friend. He's not like my husband who went to war.

Sidebar, nicest thing you've said to me in a month.

Yeah, look, I just thought that part of why you wanted to come. I wanted to come

because Ann begged us all to come.

And now I want to enjoy it with you.

I'm not here to rekindle my relationship with Danny.

Got it.

Sounds good.

All right. Well, maybe I will just rest my eyes while you finish. No, wake up.

I'm up.

Isn't this place amazing?

Did you know that the exterior iron work was made by 15th century monks?

Wow. Did you know that the exterior aluminum work on my house was done by

by Randy?

Everyone, we have a special treat. Tonight, we are all going to the

pageant at the church that Marlene and the girls organized.

What's he saying?

He's just excited because he thinks that you look like La Befana.

Oh, who is that?

La Befana is an Italian version of Santa Claus.

She's a very, very beloved figure.

A magical figure. And she's kind of a mistress of winter.

Oh, I see.

Like Elsa or Mariah Carey.

Gracias,

Valerio. Ah, and you must all feel so, so happy to finally have Cloud back

home after all these years. Why are you talking like that?

Familia is so, uh, what's the word?

Important. Does your accent make you forget English? I am an empath, so I

on the speech patterns of the people around me. We are so...

So happy because, you know, Claude is like a father to my girls.

Well, I had to be because of the biological father, Vincenzo.

This is why I have to be on my best behavior around here. These women will

you to shreds. I would never do that. Well, that's because you're my girl.

Seems like you're doing really great here.

Oh, thanks, Kate.

Oh, so you are Kate.

You are... The one in love with Danny.

I think something's gotten lost in translation, Matt. But no, I am not in

with Danny.

Ah, okay.

This is my husband.

Okay, okay. If everyone is finished now, I want to take you all to the Christmas

market. All right?

I can't wait to buy something that will shatter in my carry -on.

You know, I think I'm going to skip the Christmas market. I'm going to take a

nap.

Thought we had to acclimate.

Yeah, well, I'm just, you know, really wiped. Maybe I'm getting old.

Okay.

All right, but we go.

Really wiped out. Yeah, I thought she'd pull you all here on her back.

I just think she's a little... A little mad at me? I know she's a little. But by

the laws of marriage, I'm not allowed to engage in this.

Oh,

hi. Guys, look, there are a lot of great options here for an I'm Sorry present.

Seriously, just tell me what you want.

Jack, you don't have to buy... Oh, can I get a big cookie?

Yes, you may.

Oh, are those from your vineyard? Could I get two bottles?

Oh, are those half?

Annie.

What do you say, Claude?

An elegant goblet for an elegant man? Well, please, Jack, stop.

I'm just too much. Look, if you don't pick something, I'm just going to buy

this. Tacky baby Jesus in a hot air balloon.

I hadn't to make.

Excuse me.

Bellissima.

Bellissima.

Oh, I want to find something for Gino.

How are you doing without them?

You know, at first I was a little eek about being alone for the holidays.

But, you know, honestly, it's been nice.

My time is my own. I can go to bed as early as I want. I can sleep as late as

want. But you're awake sometimes, right?

I can make one pot of coffee and sip on it for the whole week because no one

else is there to drink it.

I can just take some and nuke it and sip on it.

What are these? I keep seeing them everywhere.

Oh, and actually, that is La Befana.

La Befana, the one the child said was me?

Yeah.

But she's a witch.

Well, a Christmas sweet.

Everyone loves her.

I thought she was going to be like a blonde lady with a crown of icicles.

Oh, guys, I'm so sorry. Marlene and the kids, they need help setting up the

pageant. Okay, well, you guys go do that, and I will make sure Kate gets to

church. Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, I don't see it.

Thank you.

Careful.

Hey,

Ann, quick question.

Do you think you're helping?

Sorry. This story of La Bofana is insane.

It says here she turned down a chance to go with the three wise men to see the

baby Jesus because...

She wanted to stay home and catch up on housework.

She lived to regret that decision and vowed to spend the rest of her days

handing out candy to children hoping to one day meet the Christ child she had

missed.

What a loser.

I am nothing like her.

Right?

Yeah, no, I mean, you're the one who keeps bringing it up. Yeah.

Jack, help me get this to land.

Okay. I think this is everything.

Well, not quite.

Got a little something for you.

Is that thank you for my new goblet?

No, I told you I didn't want this.

We don't care about the turkey.

You got mad.

So what? Everybody gets mad.

Oh. See?

Everybody's mad. Nobody gets goblets. But I'm not an angry guy.

We know. We know that. It's over, okay?

Okay. Let him go.

Okay, I'm just really in my head about it. And I don't mean to apologize so

much. I'm sorry.

Okay. Sorry. Okay.

Guys.

How long was I asleep?

Was it Christmas?

Get up. You have to meet everyone at the church.

But prepare yourself.

We're going in style.

It was a little over the top.

Over the top?

I was trying to be nice.

Look, I even paid extra for the driver's festive folklore getup.

Sorry. It's very nice.

Hey, I know you don't love this move.

But, trust me, things won't change.

Great.

Can you please not say great like I just bought you an adult coloring book for

your birthday?

But listen, okay, honestly, I bet we see each other as much as we saw each other

in New York, okay? More horrible, okay?

What? What is that face? Use your words, Catherine.

Why are we going down a valley?

Wait, this is wrong.

Uh, scusi?

Uh, scusi?

Yeah. Give me a cushion for this. Oh.

Okay. Okay, um, just go. Just be cool. Be cool.

Go. Be cool.

Also jewelry.

Really? Oh, man. Yeah. What's this? Oh, no, no.

Just, man, your chip.

Oh, thank

you, man. I feel so much better. I mean, this is what Nick used to do. You know,

he'd make me go do something physical and get it all out. Oh, that was so fun.

Fun for who?

You were a monster out there.

What?

You! What the fuck?

How do you say fuck me in Italian?

I thought it was like a

competitive game.

No, it was a get -together for nice dads in the neighborhood.

That was very bad.

I'll get it. Okay.

What?

Father Giuseppe, he has just learned that the woman who played La Befana in a

pageant for the last 40 years...

That's thick and ill.

So we're just wondering if you... No!

Why do people keep putting her up to me? I am nothing like her.

No, in fact, you know... She's a depressing shut -in, and I am a

independent woman who chooses not to leave the house that much.

Yeah.

Thank you, though. It is a no, but I appreciate the opportunity.

That's it.

Grazie.

Are you sure this is the right way?

No, Catherine, it's the wrong way. I'm just trying to get my steps in.

Okay. Oh, thank God.

Okay, so the thing is, this is the wrong church. I was thinking of

a different church.

But the good news is, is that we're high enough up now that we can

find the correct church from up here.

And there it is. Ha!

Look! Yay!

Perfect.

So are we going to zip line down?

Helpful attitude, but no.

How are we supposed to get to it? As soon as we go back down, we're going to

lost again.

I can point my arm like this towards the church and adjust as needed as we

walk. We'll be fine.

Human compass.

You know, my phone had a compass.

But at least now the robber will have pictures of all of Jack's rashes.

Okay, okay. Can you not be a Scrooge? I mean, we're in Italy.

Look at the view.

Can you just try to enjoy yourself?

Can you stop selling me?

Ever since we got here, you're like, oh, look at the town. Look at the ironwork.

Look what the monks did.

Okay, you know what? Adding that unpleasant nasal quality to your

me is really cunty.

You could be thankful that I'm giving you the excuse to have a European

every summer. My brother in Christ, I am not coming back in the summer.

I cannot fly back and forth to Italy like a fucking olive oil mogul. And you

lie to yourself all you want, but everything is going to change.

And that's fine. I will survive.

But that is the truth.

Does your compass have a setting for toilet? Because I have to pee.

I don't know what's going on with me. I'm kicking turkeys.

Gave that guy a titty twister.

You're the mayor.

I'm the one who smashed up that snack shack at the funky hotel.

Okay, Jack.

I hate to tell you this, but you are an angry guy.

No, I'm not. The reason I know this is because I'm an angry guy too.

I was always trying to be this happy husband who never disagreed.

And I'd be nice and nice and nice until I'd nap and throw all Dennis' clothes

out the window. Yeah, that was really bad.

Like the same or worse than all the stuff I did.

Because I never wanted to be mad.

But you can't deal with it if you can't say it.

I am mad.

Yeah.

Mad about Nick.

I was mad at Kate. Now I'm mad at myself for pushing her away.

You see?

Was that so hard?

Oh.

I'm getting on shots.

The pageant is three hours long.

You're different here.

No, I'm different in America.

Here I feel like myself again.

I'd like to feel like myself again.

You will.

Sorry. Everything in Italy closes early on Sundays.

Yeah, well, my bladder has an American work ethic.

Wait. You got the public toilet.

Okay, wait, okay.

Okay, I can loose you up, and you can climb through this window.

All right, all right. Okay, come on. Don't, like, make some grunts that I'm

going to hear for the rest of my life. I won't. Come on.

Oh!

Danny! Oh, sweet Jesus.

Maybe we left her alone for a little too long.

She had a chance to leave her house, and she didn't take it, and neither did I.

Um, what are you talking about?

Nick cheated on me years ago, way before Jenny, and I almost left him, and I

chickened out.

Oh, if I left at 47, I could have built a whole new life.

Now it's too late.

Now I'm a weird old witch.

No, you're not. But if you're really worried, maybe stop by necklaces from

museum gift shop.

Oh, this fucking guy again.

I thought you loved it here.

I was trying to sell you in Italy because I was also trying to sell

I mean, it's beautiful and Claude is so happy, but it's also weird. You know,

like some of the police cars are Lamborghinis.

And of course things will change.

You know, we won't have moments like this.

Insane, unplanned moments where we both laugh so hard we make each other pee.

We both peaked? No, I was being polite. I'm not a gross animal.

I shouldn't have moved here.

I'm going to miss you so much.

I know.

I am heartbroken.

You know, when Claude's sister said that I was in love with you... I know you

hated when Claude's sister said that. I really hated that.

Yeah.

But, you know, I wouldn't blame you for being in love with me. I mean, I am

insanely lovable.

I am not in love with you, Danny.

But I do love you.

In every other part of my life, I'm a mother and a

wife and a scary boss.

But when I'm with you, you make me feel like the 19 -year -old that I was when

we met.

And I feel so far from her.

And you always have that piece of me.

I know you better than anyone.

And you know me.

That's right.

And that's how I know that you are going to be fine here.

Okay? You're going to be fine.

And don't worry about you and me, okay?

Even if we see each other once every other year, which will suck balls, it

will always feel like this.

We will always be us.

I love you too, Catherine.

Oh, man, you smell like pee.

Thank you.

Gracias, bambini. Siete stati meravigliosi. E ora, il momento che

aspettando. La Befana!

Buonasera, bambini!

This is the last appearance for La Befana.

They're getting a real good look, kids.

Bitch and all regrets are out of my life after tonight.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

I'm just happy.

Yeah? Mm -hmm.

I'm happy, too.

I had a great talk with Kate.

Oh, yeah? Mm -hmm.

Has she finally come around on your leaving here?

Yeah, and honestly, she's helped me come around on living here.

What?

How around did you have to come?

No, no.

I was just talking to her about, you know, how different things were here.

know, like... Lamborghini police car.

It's why our crime rates are so low. They get to these things so fast.

All I'm saying is that sometimes I feel like an outsider here.

Oh, I see. It's like how I felt when I did that for you for 16 years.

Well, yeah, but that was New York.

Okay, I'm not trying to start a fight with you.

It doesn't really matter.

It does matter, actually.

I gave you an out at Thanksgiving, and you didn't take it. What? I'm staying.

Then you should change your mind. I'm staying, I'm staying. I'm not going

anywhere. I don't want to go back to America, okay?

It's your mom.

Mom.

What's the matter?