Original subtitles

And... Their hair. Oh my god!

People! People.

Hey!

Oh my god!

Hey!

I wanna hug you!

We're quarantined.

Come on, come on, come on, come on. Bring it!

You smell even better than I remember!

Hey, buddy!

Wait. Oh, no. How did it happen?

And we are very excited for you to meet Patrizia.

Patrizia is a dog? Your text made it seem like you were running a room to

sexy hairdresser. Isn't she chic? She's my goal weight.

Get a picture of us.

Cheese.

Yes.

What a spread.

And balloons?

Yeah, it's for all the birthdays that we've met. And the one with the donut is

for Jack's hemorrhoid surgery.

Okay, it's okay.

Are we not masking?

We're outside. We all stayed home for two weeks. I think we're good.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, honey, I don't think you can catch anything six feet apart. Let's go next.

Have some wine.

Oh, shit, Jack, that's mine.

Nick, can you toss me that hand sanitizer?

Are you going to put this in your mouth?

No.

I'm going to put it in my butt and do a handstand.

So explain to me these sweaters. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Well, thank you for

These are from our favorite Instagram account. It's called Jeffrey Knits It,

he's actually blind.

I can tell by the sweaters.

And these are meant to raise awareness... That you are both dorks.

It's working for you.

Hey, if you think this is dorky, you're going to hate this. Oh, maybe not. Yeah,

since it all started, we have been reading each other a poem every night.

No, no, no, no, no. I hate you. I hate you. Say whatever you want, but we have

not had one argument since March 10th.

Maybe you should run her a little bit.

What? Run her a little trot. Yeah, like a dog show.

Okay, okay.

Listen, tomorrow, there is a talent show. It's mandatory.

Lila and I made a sign and a trophy.

All right. Oh, okay, Supermom. You have no idea. When I first met this one, she

was this fearless punk rock chick.

Okay. Hanging out, smoking cigarettes outside of Arlene's grocery.

First thing she ever said to me, God, you're a douchebag. Yeah. And I was

oh, I am definitely going to marry that mean lady.

Now, she takes care of us. And you come up with these fun little creative

adventures and lift our spirits.

Danny, she's still very nervous.

Maybe she's keying off your energy. Relax.

It's all for Lila, right?

Honestly, if we didn't have a kid, we probably would have drank ourselves to

death months ago.

Wow.

Should we have a kid?

I have seaters.

Seats. Let's eat some.

It's getting cold. Should we maybe grab the heaters from the deck?

No. Let's go inside.

Good idea. Well, are we sure about that?

Like, you know, I know I agreed to come, but I brought a sleeping bag so we

could sleep in the car.

Jack, we did all the things. We're safe.

Come on.

Anybody want to watch a movie? Yeah. Has anybody seen The Queen's Gambit? Yes.

Her eyes are so big.

You think that makes her better at chess?

Probably.

Oh, you wear your Jeffrey Knitson, and I'll change.

Good.

Did everyone think I'm being insane?

No. But, you know, you could relax a little bit.

Oh, hey.

We read through our poem last night.

Oh, jeez.

What do we got here?

Ode to a Nightingale by John Keats. Okay.

My heart aches.

and a drowsy numbness pains my sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk.

How long is this one?

A page and a half.

Or emptied some dull opiate to the drain.

Because I feel like I hear people downstairs getting breakfast.

Smells like he's doing bacon.

But being too happy in thine happiness, that thou light winged dry to the trees

in some melodious plot of beech and greens and shadows...

Come on, eat.

It's two days now. She won't eat. Well, she definitely ate something because I

found a juicy turd on the stairs this morning. Oh, shit, I'm sorry.

No, no, no, that was me. I had tequila last night.

She doesn't like laughter.

How long have you had this dog?

Five weeks.

Do you love her?

That feels like a treat question. She costs $5 ,000.

I'm just saying, a dog is not a child.

And if it's not a good fit, then you could find a different home for her.

There's a couple right down the road here, huge animal rescue people. Yeah,

have a pot -bellied pig and so many senior cats.

I bet they'd take her.

We'll figure something out, Nick.

We're just as qualified to be Patricia's parents as any two upstate lesbians. I

never said they were lesbians. They are.

I know, but I never said that.

Oh,

it's working.

Oh, my God. Hi, can you see me?

This technology is amazing.

Hey, Dad, we're doing a talent show.

And I'm going to win.

Pull your jets, big guy.

Oh, my God.

Mom,

move into the camera.

You're not on the camera.

I see you just fine, baby.

Okay, let's just start.

My dear lady disdain, are you yet living?

Courtesy itself must convert to disdain if you are in her presence. That's some

boring play they did in college.

Jack, mute.

A lot of work text. Everything okay?

Yeah. It's all good.

Thank you! Oh, my God!

This is too much joy for me! I love the world!

I want to make love to all of you!

Please!

In the spirit of Riverdance, I bring you Lake Dance.

Damn it.

What's wrong?

Well, Kate's not feeling well, so I sent her upstairs to do a test.

Wait, home tests?

Where did you get those?

Yeah, our school nurse, Teresa, volunteers at a clinic, so she slipped

because I have pretty eyes.

Bad news.

It's bright red.

Oh. How in the hell? We should go home, I guess.

No, we can't all go in the car. You might get Beth sick.

No, no, no. Honey, just go up to Lila's room. I'll make you some tea and toast.

How'd this happen?

Huh? Who broke quarantine?

Nick, did you golf?

No. What about you two? Huh?

Any parties with your other hotter friend group? No. Calm down, Dr. Fauci.

won't calm down. Because somebody among us has betrayed the lockdown.

This is the worst production of Jesus Christ Superstar I've ever seen.

Patrizia has run into the woods with a bagel and just a little bit of my

Okay.

Patrizia!

Come here.

Right now.

Oh.

I have to walk to you?

Do you know where Nick Pagano lives?

Yeah, I do.

I told him I'd drop off his tie.

Oh.

Uh, well, I'll take it to him.

His family has COVID right now.

Oh.

Thank you. I'll make sure he

gets it, okay?

Bye -bye.

What did you grab, that pie?

Just a second, sir.

Okay. Come on, let's go.

Let's go, Patricia.

Hey, hey.

Hey. You gonna watch the Notre Dame game with me? Sounds good.

Should we also invite the chick who just dropped this pie off for you?

What? What?

Never go into acting.

Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah.

Where was she here?

None of my business.

Tighten up your game, all right? And don't think for one second I'm going to

that fatal attraction pie. Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny. What?

It was a... It was a near miss.

That's all it was. I got a little too friendly with an actuary. Nick, I don't

want to know. We kissed.

It was a stupid, drunk group dinner. And then the next day, the world shut down.

Thank God.

Lockdown saved me, Danny. Being home, here.

With Anne and Lila?

Woke you up?

Yes.

I have not said anything even remotely flirty to her in months. She keeps

texting you. No shit, Sherlock. I am so grateful that nothing more happened.

Congratulations.

Maybe you should tell your wife that because she flinches every time you

a text. She doesn't... Oh.

Okay. All right, I'll handle this.

I will text Maureen right now.

Maureen? Gross.

How is it hot and also freezing out here?

Okay.

No, no, what are you doing? Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

Sounds like your baby misses you.

Yeah, that's probably why my baby runs away every ten minutes.

Also, am I crazy?

Or did Claude basically say he didn't want to have children with me?

I caught that.

Maybe ask him again when he's not trying to wrestle a dog into a ski outfit.

How's Jack?

Is he freaking out?

A little bit.

Open the window and scream a poem at him? I know we're being weird.

But these little rituals are what he needs right now.

You know, his great partner got so sick she had to be intubated.

Jesus. So now my job is to be as calm and comforting

as a gravity blanket.

He's lucky he married you. You never freak out.

Freakouts are a choice.

Adults. should not freak out.

That's insane.

Say more.

Well, it's just kind of narcissistic, you know? It's like, oh, you get to be

one who loses their mind and creates chaos.

What a luxury.

And why do we think we're this way?

And by we, I mean you.

When I was in sixth grade,

I had to live with my aunt because my mom wouldn't stop crying.

Wait, what?

It's okay.

Come on. Come on. Come on,

Patricia, please.

Stop barking.

Thank you so much.

Go. Let's go. Come on. May I ask you a question?

When you were picking out a dog, why did you choose one that hates you?

Okay, I have no choice.

Danny's the one who wanted a dog. I wanted a bird named Patricia. A bird? A

would have been so great at staying in your apartment.

Believe me, I wish I could tell Danny to return her to whatever store in hell he

bought her from.

She always goes straight for my genitals every time I get out of the shower.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Do you think I can talk to the lesbians without Danny?

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not the right thing to do.

I don't know, man. Sometimes the right thing to do is just whatever doesn't

up your entire world.

Take me to the lesbians.

If it's meant to be, you'll find them.

I'm kidding. I will call Dana.

Yeah? Okay. Stay away from my genitals.

Daddy.

Daddy. Hmm?

Patricia's gone. What do you mean, Patricia's gone?

She ran away, and we look everywhere, but we can't find her.

Oh.

Okay. Where are you going? No, no, no. You're too sick to go out. Titty's Glenn

Close will skin her.

Huh? I gave him.

I need you to be honest with me, all right? You didn't go anywhere, did you,

Lila? Like, no playdates?

I'm literally 15.

What about a bubble? You in some kind of a bubble, like a school bubble?

Dad, you're the only one that went anywhere.

No, I didn't. Yeah, you went to the clinic that Nurse Teresa works at, and

you stood in line for an hour with a bunch of people who thought they had

Let's taste this.

Mom, that's so salty.

Nick!

Make sure the turkey gets to 165. Okay, that's my brain. Okay, sorry, sorry,

sorry. Throw away the potatoes.

They're still yams. And Lila knows how to do the Brussels sprouts. Yes, ma 'am.

Who are you texting?

I was setting a 15 -minute timer.

Are you nuts?

Well, we're all going down.

Patricia.

Oh, Patricia.

Where the fuck did I go?

Are you Patty?

Are you Patty?

Good girl.

Patricia. Pa.

Good girl.

Oh, her paws are a little yeasty. Yeah, we should throw out all that food that

guy gave us.

Look at her eyes.

Oh, they're so beautiful.

Let

me

get in there.

You are home. You are home.

Besito.

Besito.

Turn on the TV news.

Listen to the radio.

Everyone is concerned about COVID and Thanksgiving, right? Two facts to keep

mind. COVID right now... Hey, what are you doing?

Stay away.

I'm infected.

I am too.

Huh?

Wait, we're COVID buddies.

God, everybody's sick.

It must be asymptomatic.

Okay, your worst nightmare came true. Now what? I have news for you, buddy.

cannot control the universe with your butthole. Get out.

Get out.

Come on.

Everybody's mad at me.

What?

Everybody's mad at me. I can't hear what you're saying.

Everybody's mad at me. Yes, I can. I can hear.

Come on.

Here, here. Take it. Take it. Take it.

Look, nobody's mad at you. It's not your fault. No, it's your fault.

Hold on a second.

How am I in trouble?

You made us come here. All right? You told me everything was going to be fine,

and it's not fine. Okay.

You can be mad if you want. I'm not mad.

Yes, you are. And whenever you pretend not to be, it comes out sideways.

So there you go. Hit my hand as hard as you can.

What? No, I'll hurt you. Oh, fuck you. You'll hurt me. I'm not hitting you, all

right? Oh, that's right. You can't hit me because you're America's nicest boy.

Stop touching me. I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you at all.

Good, good. Let it out. Remember, I got the back stuff. Selfish prick.

You had to have your party, huh?

You always just do whatever the fuck you want. You don't care who gets hurt. No.

No. I'm not that guy. Oh, you are legendarily that guy.

Because I think you won the talent show.

Because even the children understand that you're a little fucking baby. Fuck

you. I'm trying.

Well, not hard enough.

I wish I was like you.

You're such a good man.

Take care of your...

Good job.

You can always dump this stuff on me.

Okay.

You crying?

No.

I'm helping you.

I win.

You didn't find her?

No, Claude.

I sure didn't.

I walked all over.

and didn't see a single lost dog.

Saw a lot of dogs with owners, but no lost dogs.

What a mystery.

Hopefully she finds a family who loves her as much as we did.

Well, but we'll never know because we certainly never talked about it or chose

them.

I guess all we'll ever know is uncertainty and heartbreak.

Heartbreak is a strong word.

It's like Nick said, a dog is not a child.

Well, thank God we don't have one of those.

I guess this proves that we're not cut out for it.

But, Danny, that's a whole different conversation. Come on.

Listen.

What? Can COVID give you diarrhea?

It can.

There's so much food and everything tastes like metal.

I can't wait to blast this everybody in an hour.

Thank you, Jack, for the best, worst Thanksgiving of my life.

I am sorry that I made everyone come here.

And I am sorry that Jack made everyone sick.

But I need you guys.

Like a donkey.

Did you know that you can't just have one donkey?

You have to have two donkeys.

Or else they go insane.

This is true.

This is true.

Bless you, honey.

I thought you brought a whole pie and I never even put it out.

That was glass. Why did you just throw that out?

That's a fresh pie. We can have it tomorrow.

We don't... Are you okay?

The person who kept texting me was a woman.

I did not sleep with her.

I did kiss her.

Stupid, meaningless flirtation.

And it's completely over, and it'll never happen again.

Yeah, but it probably will happen again, though, right, Nick?

No, Annie, it won't.

Okay.

What about the woman at the golf tournament a couple years ago, the

You remember the one with the nails?

I knew it.

I fucked up. I'm sorry.

I love you.

Please don't leave me.

God, you're a douchebag.

You don't think I'm going to leave you.

Because you think I don't know how to live without you.

And that is why this is so fucking mean.

No. Do not come near me.

Fuck this.

Good night, everybody!

Good night!

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