Original subtitles

Oh, I just made one. I didn't know that you already... Oh, yeah, we're good.

It's a big milestone, actually, because just little guys slept through the

night. No!

Good boy!

Well, five hours, but... Oh, it's amazing what a little extra sleep can

feel so awake.

I also came up with, like, five business ideas.

One... It's for a fitness app that has a storytelling component, and one's a

fitness app that links with your aura, and then one's a fitness app that, um...

Okay, yeah, you know what? I think they're all bad, but I feel really good.

Oh, come on. You can burp for Mama. Come on. I don't know why he's not... Let me

try. Yeah, um, okay.

I will try it.

I will try it.

Oh, yes, we're gonna get this.

We're gonna get these burps out.

Oh, pal.

You got it.

Gino always saves his best books for me.

Thank you.

So where were you?

Oh, I went for a walk.

Oh, no, but in the middle of the night. You weren't in bed.

Yeah. I slept outside.

I was really drunk, so I just, like, basically passed out in the gutter.

Oh, my God.

That's a lie. I had sex with a man.

Please don't tell anyone.

I need that house. Buy me that house.

Morning. Hey, morning. Hey, I'm making breakfast.

Just don't do that thing where you make one plate of eggs and small 35 pots and

pans get dirty in the process.

But then we can have foam washing dishes together. I could snap the towel at

your butt.

OK,

we get it. You had sex.

It's gross.

Roll up.

Are you going to hang out with Mark today?

I don't know. I texted him and he wrote back, can't family thing.

You think we weirded him out?

Yeah, he's probably had enough of us. I would leave it. I would just leave it.

Oh, no, we're out of eggs. I'll get more today.

Oh, don't bother. We're leaving tomorrow.

No, we leave Monday.

Yeah, Sunday.

What's happening? Are you crying?

I don't know. I just get sad all of a sudden.

Oh, my God. Well, here. Don't touch me. Don't come out.

I'm uncomfortable.

What's going on?

Nothing, no. I just, you know, I think I'm just sad that vacation's coming to

end. You know, I don't want to go back to work and normal life and... Our

You know what I mean. We're just having a lot of fun and... You're your old self

here.

So it's not home, it's going home with me.

No, that is not what... I...

Hey, this sentence is not making me feel better the slower you say it, so I'm

going to go for a run. I'll keep working on being less of a bummer.

Jack.

How?

He didn't even cook anything.

Chic.

What, Anne of Green Gable?

Chic because Anne of Green Gable. Hey, guys.

How's it going? Hey.

Is Jack home?

He's out for a run. Oh, okay. I took his vape by accident.

Maybe you could give it back to him.

And also, there's something in here for Ann. Oh, she's home. Want me to get her?

No, no. I'm late for a family thing. So, see you later.

Bye.

Wait.

Wait.

Okay, now.

How did you know about that? I did not know.

Oh, good Lord.

She doesn't have to be home.

Oh, hey.

Brenda just emailed.

Checking in because another family wants me to be their surrogate, but I love

meeting you guys. She wants to know if we're still considering her.

Had a look, haven't we?

I think so. I liked her.

Should we tell her that we're in?

Let's talk about it when we get home.

We should never make a big decision on holiday. That's how I come back from

Bermuda with the crystal statue of Cinderella.

Come on. Okay.

Do you not want to do it?

I just want to keep talking about it. If we keep talking about it, we'll never

do it.

I know it's scary.

I'm nervous about it, too.

But at some point, we just have to take them. I don't want to do it.

I'm sorry.

I've just been thinking about how much four kids are, how tired new parents

I worry we are too old.

We are not too old. You saw me at my high school reunion. I look like a

celebrity at a charity event for bald, fat men.

Listen.

I know we could do it.

All I'm asking is, should we do it?

Yes.

Well, at this moment, I think no.

We keep talking about it when they're home.

Let's figure it out. We always do.

See you later.

or let me ride in front of you. No.

Hey.

Oh, shit. Okay.

Park my bike.

I hate this bit.

I'm not picking up your bike.

Wow.

Okay.

655 Ocean Lane.

I mean, the wallpaper is Midwest funeral home. The storks can go fuck

themselves, but the house... If we were smart, we would buy it and turn it into

a bed and breakfast.

Oh, I'm in. I will retire early and run it, and then when our husbands die...

Claude, botch, facelift, jack, perforate, erectum from too many

colonoscopies. Yeah, we'll...

Claude's pissing me off.

Oh, is it because of his bonnet?

The surrogate asked if we were still interested.

But now all of a sudden, Claude thinks that we're too old. Oof. I mean, I get

it. No, bitch. You're supposed to say you're not too old. And how dare he?

I'm sorry. You are very young.

You told me who Sizzle was.

Do I know for sure, for sure, if we should do it?

No. But I do know we can't keep talking about it.

We're either never going to do it, or we're going to become two Tony Randalls

who feed our baby applesauce that we also eat.

Okay, if you're really having trouble making a decision, my therapist has a

called The Three Magic Questions. I'll kill you in your sleep. It really helped

me decide whether I should do Invisalign for a third time. I decided possibly at

a later date. There's nothing to decide. At this point, we just need to push

through. Yes, you could push through or you could seriously consider Claude's

concerns. Is this right for both of you? Hi, Brenda.

We are definitely still interested.

What are you doing?

I'm pushing through.

Man, there is nothing like a long run and a dip in the ocean to make him feel

totally at peace.

Oh, dick, I swam with my wallet.

Hey, I think I'm going to take the baby in for his first swim.

Oh, honey, he hasn't even had his shots yet. You're going to take him in a fish

toilet?

I'm not going to dunk him. I'm just going to dip his little toes in. Well,

yogurt comes.

Listen.

More than mom.

Whatever you think.

Hold on. Let me stay out, too.

No.

That's probably a bad idea.

Wait, there's Mark.

Mark!

Mark! Just stop, Jack, please. God, this is because of the swinger thing.

Mark! Come on, Jack. Mark!

Mark! It could be for many reasons. After that, stop screaming, Mark.

I've got to explain myself.

Jack,

come back.

Why? Is that the guy that you...

Hey, buddy, listen. No, Jack, no.

Oh, my God, you did have a family thing.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry, sorry. Congrats.

Well, catch us after. We're right over there.

Sorry again.

So... Are you going to tell me why you were crying this morning?

Oh, I don't know.

Our house has just been kind of a bummer recently.

Because of the Chevron backsplash?

Do not use your powers against me.

When I ask Jack if he's feeling better, he says yes, but something's off.

At night, he barely talks to me. He just zones out on the couch watching

SportsCenter.

Like when he's high or all the time?

Well, Jack doesn't get high.

Okay, not a big deal, but maybe a big deal for you.

Remember back in college when I took you to a Cypress Hill concert, and you

asked me, do you think anyone here is on drugs?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

What's on that thumb drive?

Oh, sweetheart.

Hey, Jeff.

Hey, man. I hope I didn't ruin the wedding. Oh, no.

Nobody even cared.

Except for the photographer. He said you're in every picture.

Hi, guys. Hey, man.

Hey,

we're all going to the boardwalk for our last night. You in?

Oh, uh, yeah, maybe.

Yes, you should come.

If you'll send me a break.

Okay, great. Yeah, I just got to go to my niece's.

Wedding reception, but I can dip out early. It's not even my goddaughter.

the other one.

Awesome. Okay, awesome.

Cool.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

Cool. No, that's cool. That is cool. You are cool.

Hey.

Hey. Mark Brett dropped this off for you.

Okay, okay. I cannot emphasize enough how not a big deal this is.

Then why are you hiding it?

Because we don't have to tell each other everything, all right? I know you still

Google your high school boyfriend, but you don't tell me that.

Yeah, because he cheated on me, and I like that he's ugly now.

Look, at the end of the school year, I had a bunch of confiscated vapes from

kids. So you started using them?

How often are you doing this?

Not often, just like at night.

Every night?

So when I'm suffering through SportsCenter with you, you're high?

I'm not high, all right? It's like a glass of wine. I could do the...

Saturday crossword. Not Pizza Man, you'll die!

I guess I'll find out for myself.

Hey, honey, you know, if you want to go on the boardwalk tonight, I'm happy to

stay home with Gino. Nope, that is okay.

I'm gonna bring him.

Oh, are you sure?

It gets pretty dirtbaggy after dark.

The other night I saw a woman with a three stooges, tube top, headbutt, her

boyfriend and her boob popped out.

Well, I think we can manage just fine.

I'm the mom, right?

Yeah, no, I'm just saying I'm happy to stay home.

I know you're happy to stay home because then you would not have to see the man

that you had sex with.

Okay, you got me. I'll go.

Wait, you guys, should we stop and get beers?

But they have live music, your greatest hate.

Honestly, it's a vibe.

Uh, Catherine, are you late?

Danny, I did a drug.

I'm deciding I'm going to buy beers for everybody.

Beer, beer, beer, beer.

Jeannie?

I'll pump and dump.

Oh, that's fun.

Honestly, I get why you do this. If I took this every night, I wouldn't feel

miserable all the time.

You'd feel miserable all the time? Hey, Gus!

Mark Brandt!

Hey,

man.

Hey, Gus.

Hiya. Hi, Mark.

Hey, Gus, do you think anybody is going to judge me for drinking with a baby?

On the Jersey Shore boardwalk?

So, I'm...

Sorry I snuck out this morning.

Is that what happened?

I just assume I rolled over and the arrow bed launched you out the window.

I just, I didn't want it to be awkward, and I think maybe that I got in my head

a little bit. Hey, look, no pressure from over here. I mean, you're leaving

tomorrow, right? This is the last night we're ever going to see each other.

Yeah.

So we don't have to worry about impressing each other.

I wonder where this is going.

Uh, it's going nowhere, baby. We can do everything wrong if we want. Watch this.

I love you, Ann.

Okay.

Well, let me try.

That baby over there is my late husband.

What?

See, nothing matters. Yeah, trashy sort of thing.

A typical fork.

Bitch gets high once and thinks she works at NASA.

What is this email from Brenda?

Why is she accepting our offer?

Okay, listen.

Are you fucking serious?

I'm wearing my father's face as a mask.

What?

Well, I weigh like 10 pounds more than you.

More than 10 pounds?

So what I say doesn't matter, right?

You're just going to do whatever you want to do.

No, come on, uncazzo, listen to me.

This is how it always is with us.

You call the shots and I go along with it because I have to make you happy.

Like, uh, Patrizia, our wedding song, the Halloween decorations. I told you

could put the Dracula out. You just couldn't turn it on.

Fuck the Dracula.

This is a baby we're talking about. It's not something I can just go along with.

I said, Danny, I said I don't want to do it, and I meant it.

So why did you say you wanted to do it months ago?

Because I would have loved to have a baby with you.

Okay. I would have loved to be fathers together.

But I'm sorry.

We're older now.

I just think the window is closed.

But that's just fucking great.

So, okay.

What's your big plans for us now?

Are we just going to redo our kitchen over and over again?

I don't want to get to the end of my life, look back at this conversation and

think we fucked up.

Aren't you afraid we're going to regret this?

We might regret it. We might.

But I don't regret it right now.

I'm sorry, Danny.

Feels like this night is done.

You know what? I'm going to get going, too.

Guys, I'm going to head out.

Okay, man. We'll check out that podcast you told me about.

I'm going to check out that dry rub that you recommended for steak.

No, it works on pork chops, too.

Well,

Mark, it's been a great summer.

Yeah, it has. I'm sad to see it come to an end.

Well, it has to, because this fall you're going to be playing ball at

I'm going to be...

A ballet school.

Yes, where you will incorporate hip -hop into the dance routines.

I sure will.

Okay. Oh, this has been really fun.

Thank you, Mark.

Um, just give me your number.

No, what?

No, I thought we were never going to see each other again. Okay, yeah. No,

you're breaking the rules. You're right. You're totally right.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I... Anyway.

It was really nice to meet you. Yeah. And don't forget, you're winning.

Okay,

bye, everybody.

Ciao.

Bye.

Okay, guys, this baby is done.

How was your night out with Mark?

It was good.

Yeah, and I know you guys were hoping that it would be something more, but I'm

glad it didn't go any further.

Your bra's in that bagel bag. Oh, Danny, why didn't I take his number? He was so

nice.

Why did I say no? I'm such a stupid idiot.

No, honey, you're not.

Oh, God.

Jacked up decisions.

Maybe it's because we're old.

The stakes are too high.

Every decision feels like I'm trying to stick the landing on my entire fucking

life.

Well, at least it's almost done.

I wish I could have told you sooner.

Oh, you didn't know?

No, but there were moments, you know, even months ago when I thought, do we

really want this?

There was one of them when I suggested we do the baby's room in white suede.

Yeah.

What you want does matter.

And if you believe it's something we shouldn't do, then maybe we shouldn't.

Are you sure?

No.

Are you sure?

I think.

How can you ever be sure?

Well, there is a book I know of.

Random House Audio presents The Three Magic Questions by Dr. Suzanne Solner as

read by the author.

Prologue. When I was 27... Oh my God, that's her voice? My life was at a

crossroads. One path in front of me.

Upon checkout, please strip all beds and start laundry, but only sheets, not

towels, unless it's Sunday, in which case, please wash both using detergent

under the sink, not the one labeled for guests. I live in hell.

How you doing?

Well, I can no longer feel my heartbeat in my eyes, so better.

I'm sorry.

Here, look.

Summer's over.

We're done with this.

Okay.

But, you know, in the future, if you're struggling, you don't have to secretly

get high. Like, when I ask you if you're okay, tell me the truth.

Yeah, totally.

I mean, okay, except I feel like you don't ask if I'm okay.

You ask if I'm better, which is a little bit different.

Okay, well, I am too hungover to take the emotional SATs right now. What do I

do? You don't like it when I'm struggling, right? I can feel you

You're getting annoyed that I'm, like, not done with whatever this is yet,

right? And that's why I've been getting high every night. Okay, so this is my

fault now?

I just want my husband to be happy and our house to not... feel like an Edgar

Allan Poe immersive experience. Oh, okay. And that's all me. Because you're

fucking rainbow bright, right?

I mean, you said it last night. You're miserable all the time.

Yeah, because when you're down, I'm down.

Oh, bullshit.

If you think that I'm your only problem... I'm sorry, what does that

are my problems?

Well, I don't know. Because you never tell me what's wrong with you. You only

told me what's wrong with me.

Because I'm fine.

Oh, yeah. You're perfect.

Oh, and here's your sniffing sandal. Thank you.

Okay.

Look, maybe it's nobody's fault, right?

Maybe we're just in a bad pattern.

I feel like everything I try just makes you feel worse.

So maybe we need to...

Stop trying. Just, like, freeball it.

Like, instead of you trying so hard to make me happy and me trying to pretend

that I am, like, we're each responsible for our own happiness.

So we're still married, but we stopped trying to fix each other.

Yeah. Doesn't that sound nice?

Yeah.

Can we workshop the name?

I'll tell you what.

I will call it free -balling. You call it whatever the fuck you want to. Right?

See? We've already begun.

Which brings me back to my point.

You already have the answer.

The questions just serve to illuminate them.

Oh, my God, it's Suzanne.

It's all there within you.

So without further ado, we begin by saying the decision that's troubling you

aloud. Should we have a baby?

And now, as I ask the magic question, don't think.

Just say the answer that you already know.

Is this right for me?

No.

Is this right for the world?

Stupid question. Is this right for us?

No.

Congratulations, dear reader.

You have now answered...

It's

okay.

Really.

Maybe you don't get to do everything.

That's just the way it goes.

Like, we didn't get to have a baby, but we also didn't get to be

models in Milan.

I wasn't modeling in Milan. You know what I mean.

But what we have gotten to do is really wonderful.

I love our lives together.

I do, too.

Okay, I'm all packed up.

I'm just going to give Gino his bottle.

Oh, no, honey, I wouldn't. He'll fall asleep. I would just wait until we get

the car, that way he'll sleep on the way.

Gino, he's on the way.

Actually, I'm going to take him for a walk.

Do you want to go in the ocean?

Do you want to go in the ocean, Gino?

Oh,

that's right.

Oh, Mama's got you.

Mama's got you.

And Mom.

Big League Productions.