All language subtitles for American Housewife - 01x10 - The Playdate.PROPER.KILLERS.HI.C

♪

Greg, you're cooking.

Don't do something nice for me

that will take me an hour to clean up.

No, I'm researching
a historical dish to drop off

with my application for the
Westport Historical Guild.

Colonial onion pie?

It's an homage to Westport's past

as a leading onion producer in America.

I think it'll help my application
stand out from the crowd.

Crowd? What crowd?

It's eight guys talking about
preserving dirt roads.

I'm aware the stakes are high.

You don't need to make me any
more nervous than I already am.

Okay.

My apologies for being late.

But you have to dress
for the life you want,

not the life you have.

Where did you get the money to buy

that ridiculously expensive shirt?

I dipped into my save jar.

And who are you dressing up for, Oliver?

Your girlfriend?

Her I have to answer.

You I owe nothing.

I'm finished. Can I go play?

Sweetie, you didn't wash
your hands four times.

Is something wrong?

Nope. I just don't feel like it today.

She just doesn't feel like it today.

Yeah, but she could wash them once.

Her hands are covered in egg.

Ah, Dr. Ellie's really helping
Anna-Kat with her OCD.

She might be on her way
to becoming a typical kid.

[Footsteps]

Well, two steps forward,
four steps back.

But still, it's a victory.
We should celebrate.

Let's go out tonight
for dinner and drinks.

That sounds so tiring.

Agreed. I regretted it
the moment I said it.

Yeah.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪

What are you doing?
We have to pay for those.

Greg, you're always taking
the high road.

We're paying for them
by buying all this other stuff.

- It's part of the deal.
- It's stealing.

- Or sampling.
- Or stealing.

Look, we could go 'round
and 'round about this for hours.

Let's just agree that it's
sampling and call it a day.

Oh, onions.

Recipe calls for two bushels.

Mm.

Mama, Dad, Penny just invited me

to her house for a playdate.

Can I go?

Well, Penny, depends on where you live.

Is your house a castle?

Mama, don't be weird.

Penny's in the grade above me.

She's right over there.

Oh. Sure.

First, she skips
her hand-washing routine.

Now she's telling me I'm weird.

This is typical kid stuff.

Except for the hygiene part,
this is wildly encouraging.

Right?!

Katie.

Sampling.

She didn't even wash her hands
after she used the bathroom.

We couldn't be happier.

Low bar in the Otto household.

And she made a playdate
with a second-grader.

A human second-grader?

- Mm-hmm.
- Who's the other mom?

Chloe Brown Mueller.

You're going on a playdate
at Chloe Brown Mueller's house?

- Yeah.
- Wait a minute. Hold up.

Chloe Brown Mueller?

Why do you guys insist
on saying her full name?

Because...

Both: She's Chloe Brown Mueller.

When you meet her, you'll understand.

She's a local celebrity.

She has thousands
of Instagram followers,

and all of her posts are about
what a perfect mommy she is.

How do you not know and despise
Chloe Brown Mueller already?

I'm not big into social media,

and I actively avoid people
with three names.

Plus, I've never seen her at drop-off.

That's because her housekeeper
brings Penny to school.

That is terrible mothering.

My housekeeper brings my kids to school.

Yeah, but I'm friends with you.

In a town full of gossips,
she's the worst.

She texted everyone about my divorce

before I even knew about it...

and implied that it was my fault.

It was your fault.
You cheated multiple times.

That's on her.

All of her friends
are just so attractive.

So she's a little gossipy.

I can handle that.

She's also super judgmental.

She mommy-shamed me once
by Instagraming my dirty car.

Ugh!

I've been waiting
for the perfect opportunity

to mommy-shame her back,
but the best that I found

was that she doesn't recycle
her yogurt containers.

The way to deal with Chloe Brown Mueller

is to shut up, get in, get out.

Mm-hmm. Hang on, back up.

You went through her garbage?

Mm-hmm, I made a huge mess so
she would think it was raccoons.

I even tore some stuff with my teeth.

[Laughs]

Uh-huh. Uh-huh, totally.

Hang on one sec.

And I'm back.

I totally agree, but the thing is...

Hang on one sec.

I'm sorry. There's like zero
privacy in this house.

Hang on one sec.

Who the hell are you talking to?

Who I talk to is none of your business.

You really do have
a girlfriend, don't you?

Taylor, I swear on my robust IRA

that I do not have a girlfriend.

Fine, don't tell me the truth.

I'll find out by myself.

You're not going to find anything.

You couldn't even find
your way home yesterday.

I left school from the soccer field.

I was all confused.

Important family announcement.

Stay the hell away from the minivan.

I just got it washed.

I thought you said the only way
you'd wash that car

is if you drove us all into a lake.

That is true.

But Anna-Kat has a playdate at the house

of Westport's most judgy mom.

I'm not risking her social life
by having a dusty whip.

Nice slang, Mom.

Yeah, girl.

And you ruined it.

These pies... They look like pies.

- I did it!
- Great job, Greg.

And you didn't even hurt yourself.

Actually, I sustained some burns
that aren't visible,

but it'll all be worth it.

Can I get you to taste one
and tell me what you think?

I'd be happy to.

[Exhales sharply]

Ugh!

That... is the worst thing
I have ever smelled.

[Gasps] I'm turtling up.

- Ohh.
- It's perfect.

- I was going for historical accuracy.
- Ugh!

Colonial onion pie
is supposed to be awful.

Ugh!

- Come on, Anna-Kat.
- Oh, God.

It's time for you playdate.

- Ohh! Greg,
- Oh!

you've given our house permanent B.O.

Put it outside and Febreze
the hell out of this place

while I'm gone.

- Ugh.
- I...

Remember to say "please,"
"excuse me," and "thank you."

And don't use any of the words
Mama screams

while she's driving.

Mama, come here.

I got this.

[Sighs]

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, Anna-Kat.

Roberta.

I'm so glad you and Penny

finally get to play ponies together.

- [Giggles]
- Come on, I'll show you to her room.

Katie. Chloe Brown Mueller.

So nice to meet you.

- [Camera shutter clicks]
- Did you...

Did we just take a picture together?

Your daughter is adorable.

So much better than the last
girl Penny brought over.

I gave that playdate
one and a half stars.

- [Chuckles]
- Snooze.

Katie: I'm just going to smile and nod

because I can't tell if she's kidding.

Hey, would you like to come in
for a glass of Sancerre?

Chloe, I'd love to learn what that is.

But I got some errands to run.

I'll be back in two to pick up Anna-Kat.

Hey, how is your friend Angela doing?

I hear she's dating again.

- [Laughs]
- Is that true?

[Laughing]

All right, I'm just gonna say it true.

Oh, hey. How'd the playdate go?

It went awesome.

Aw, that's great, sweetie.

[Giggles]

Yay!

[Both chuckle]

Okay, how'd it really go?
Awkward? A disaster?

An awkward disaster?

The playdate went so well

with Chloe Brown Mueller
that she even posted about it.

She gave it four stars.

"Life is an adventure."

What does that mean in this context?

Something dumb, Greg. But I don't care.

My baby has a cool older friend.

[Chuckles]

Weird question, but does
our daughter always walk around

with a candlestick in her jacket?

What the hell is that?

Oh, no. [Gasps]

Oh, God. Look on the mantel.

It's from her playdate.

She stole it?

- This is bad.
- This is very bad.

Our daughter's a thief.
How did this happen?

How did this happen?

This is not my fault.

I steal pretzels.

It's more of a Robin Hood thing.

I take from the rich
and give to the poor.

We're the poor.

Yes, you're a complex antihero.

Ugh, of all people,
why did she have to steal

from Chloe Brown Mueller?

Why do you say all three names?

I used to be you. Yeah.

Do you think Anna-Kat stealing
is related to her OCD?

No, I think it's just regular
bad-kid behavior.

We could look at it
as another step forward.

So we should be proud?

Well, not openly.

But when we look in each other's eyes,

let's know it's there.

Sweetie, Mama and Daddy

have something important to ask you,

and you have to be honest.

Okay.

Whose candlestick is this?

It's mine.

Are you sure?

- Yep.
- Are you really sure?

Yep.

Well, okay, then.

That usually works.
I don't know how to proceed.

Anna-Kat, we know that you're lying.

You stole this
from Penny's house, didn't you?

- Yep.
- Why did you do that?

'Cause I wanted it.

And are you sorry?

Sure.

Did you hear her voice?

It was so calm and icy.

And those eyes... I don't think
she blinked the entire time.

- We have to do something.
- I agree.

I believe the simplest solution

is obviously an
"Ocean's Eleven"-style con.

We sneak the candlestick back
into the house...

no harm, no foul.

Katie, you always plan these
"Ocean's Eleven"-style cons,

and they always end up
more like "Ocean's Twelve."

- Well, then what do you suggest?
- I say we take the high road.

We go to Chloe's house
and tell the truth.

If Chloe Brown Mueller
finds out Anna-Kat's a thief,

she will tell all the other moms,

and then Anna-Kat will never
have another playdate again.

Teaching Anna-Kat morals
is way more important.

She needs to apologize in person.

She'll be embarrassed
and never do it again.

And Anna-Kat will not only
be the weird kid,

she'll be the weird kid that steals.

She doesn't even come
from a good family, Greg.

She's got nothing going for her.

You see this?
This is me putting my foot down.

- [Thud, crack]
- Ha!

Was that my knee?

Fine.

You're right.

Wait, did I just win a fight?

Greg, don't be so surprised.

You've won almost three fights
in our marriage now.

Yep, 3:00 works.

I'll meet you there.

♪

Mystery solved.

Oliver!

¿Cómo estás?

Muy bien. ¿Y tú?

What the hell is this?

[Conversing in Spanish]

Do we have to tell the truth?

- Yeah, do we?
- Guys, we're telling the truth.

Ugh.

It's the right thing to do.

[Doorbell rings]

[Gasps] Katie!

What a pleasant surprise.

Hi, Anna-Kat.

Oh. Chloe Brown Mueller.

Hi, Chloe... Brown Mueller.

- I had to say all three.
- Right.

Sorry to pop by like this,
but my husband and I

came here to talk to you about
something a little awkward.

Can we come in?

Of course. Come on in.
Make yourself at home.

I'm live on Facebook,
and I need to wrap up.

Hey, guys, I'm back.

Now, in my opinion, what's
the biggest joy of motherhood?

Everything.

[Chuckles]

Hey, look at that.

Someone else in Westport
baked a colonial onion pie.

Hello. Hey. It's the pie guy.

- Greg.
- Greg, that's right.

Folks down at the Historical Guild

call you "Pie Guy," so now
that's stuck in my head.

- Pie Guy. That's a cool nickname.
- Yeah.

Oh, Katie, Anna-Kat,
this is Stan Lawton.

He's the recording secretary of
the Westport Historical Guild.

Pleasure. And you must be
Penny's new friend.

That's actually why we're here.

You see, Anna-Kat and Penny
had a playdate.

And on the playdate...

She just had the best time ever.

- [Cellphone rings]
- Oh, excuse me one second.

I'm so sorry. I have to take this.

A business owner wants to modify a sign

- down in the historic district.
- Ha.

You listen to me, you son of a bitch.

What are you doing?

- Mission abort.
- Why?

Stan is in charge of membership
of the Historical Guild.

If we tell the truth,
I'm never getting in.

What about apologizing?

You'll learn your lesson later.

Now, go find Penny and play.

You had this awesome idea earlier...

something about "Ocean's Eleven."

I can't do that.
I don't have any of the stuff.

No crickets, no dry ice,
no firecrackers.

I'm gonna put it back now.

Footsteps, footsteps!
Sorry to have you wait,

but if I don't get 100 likes
a day, I can't sleep.

So, you wanted to talk to me about

something a little awkward?

It's awfully embarrassing.

I completely forgot
to write a thank-you note

for Anna-Kat's playdate this morning.

We are so sorry.

I did notice, but I didn't want
to say anything.

Apology accepted.

Chloe Brown Mueller,

you are a forgiving woman.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Shall we sit?

Even he says all three names.

I know.

[Sighs]

We got to get them out of the room.

I don't mean to impose,

but do you have anything to drink?

Of course. Where are my manners?

And, Stan, I remember you saying
that you had actual cannonballs

used against the British at Compo Beach.

- I'd love to see those.
- Refreshments and cannonballs

coming right up.

Roberta, we're thirsty!

Here's the cannonball.

Okay.

Cool.

They're more round than I thought.

Yes, yes, very round.

I said the exact same thing
first time I saw them.

- Remember that, honey?
- It was our wedding night.

We were making love. [Chuckles]

What do we do now?

You know what goes great with iced tea?

Greg's colonial onion pie.

We should all have a slice.

You know what? Why not?

- Okay.
- Let's keep Westport's history

as a leading onion producer alive, huh?

Oh, you got the reference.

Okay, here we are.

Ta-da!

Ohh, that smell is...

Historically accurate.

- Thank you.
- Say, I have a fun idea.

What if instead of eating
this gross pie, we went outside?

That's a fantastic idea.

[Clears throat]

Ohh!

- Oh, that stinks.
- Whoo!

[Door closes]

♪

Dry ice would have made this
so much sexier.

[Gagging]

Even though the pie literally made Stan

throw up in the birdbath,
I think he really appreciated

- what I was going for.
- You see? The low road works.

You're just one step closer
to joining the Historical Guild,

and Anna-Kat's reputation is safe.

We still have to deal with you,
young lady.

But for now, cheers. To the low road.

It worked, and no one got hurt.

Actually, somebody did get hurt.

Chloe Brown Mueller fired
her housekeeper for stealing.

- Greg and Katie: What?
- Chloe knew the candlestick

was missing and suspected Roberta.

She told her if she returned it,
there'd be no consequences.

But Chloe lied.

And when you two
put the candlestick back,

Chloe took it as proof
that Roberta stole

and fired her.

Pass the salt.

How do you know all this?

It's my business to know things.

Plus, the real headline here is
you got an innocent woman fired.

Let's focus on that.

I retract my cheers.
The low road stinks.

Just like a colonial onion pie.

Hello! Salt, please.

This meatloaf is bland.

We can't let an innocent woman
lose her job because of our lie.

Can we?

We have to come clean
and tell the truth.

Even though it means Chloe
will tell everyone

Anna-Kat's a criminal

and Stan won't let you
into the Historical Guild?

Yeah, sometimes taking
the high road isn't enjoyable.

It's never enjoyable.

That's why I don't take it.

- There is another way.
- [Dramatic music plays]

I have certain information that can help

everyone walk away a winner.

Who are you?

And where are you getting
your information?

- I know where.
- [Dramatic music plays]

Why is everyone dramatically entering.

Mom, Dad,

Oliver's dating an old Mexican lady.

I told you I'd find out the truth.

- Yeah, that's not it.
- Taylor.

Will somebody please put
the pieces together for me

like you guys do at movie night?

I'll tell you everything if you promise

not to punish me for anything I say.

Here's my counter.

If you want to continue to live
under this roof

or actually on the planet,
you will talk now.

Okay. Here's my counter to your counter.

I'll tell you everything.

It all started a few months ago
when you bought me

a defective shirt from the outlet mall.

There was nothing wrong with that shirt.

I'm telling a story here.

I was going to throw it away

until I met Viv's housekeeper, Luz.

Throwing away a good shirt?

See, the bat is askew.

I can re-stitch this in two
minutes, make it good as new.

And ever since then, Luz and I
have been business partners.

We buy defective shirts
at the outlet mall,

fix them, and sell them
to kids in Norwalk for a profit.

Easy money.

Luz.

All the housekeepers in town
are friends.

They hear everything
that goes in the houses

they work in, including Chloe's.

That's how I knew Roberta got fired.

Luz gives me all the dirt.

That's his evil smile, Greg.

This is gonna be good.

♪

Your housekeeper didn't steal
the candlestick.

Anna-Kat did.

And we are so sorry that we let
the lie go on for this long.

[Sighs] Thank you.

And mother to mother, I promise you

that Anna-Kat stealing
will stay our little secret.

I appreciate that.

But we both know the second
that we leave here,

you're going to pick up that phone

and start texting all of Westport

that my daughter's a thief.

[Scoffs] Katie, it's called
freedom of the press.

Let's make a deal.

You keep your mouth shut about Anna-Kat

and rehire your housekeeper,
and I won't tell anyone

about your dirty secrets.

What secrets? My life is an open book.

Does the name Natalie Ryan ring a bell?

- [Gasps]
- Oh, yeah.

I know that you were not the one
who decorated this perfect home.

You hired an interior designer.

You bitch.

Your mommy blog is ghost-written

- by a general studies major at UConn.
- Stop it.

And your legal name
isn't Chloe Brown Mueller.

It's Wanda Wiggly.

- Wigglé.
- For God sakes,

look what you're doing to her.

All right, fine. Fine, you win, okay?

I promise I won't gossip about Anna-Kat

if you'll keep those lies to yourself.

Oh. Yeah.

And Greg wants to join
the stupid Historical Guild.

- [Chuckles]
- Katie: Is that all right with you,

Stan Lawton from Norwalk, Connecticut?

At least now I can stop suppressing
my thick Norwalk accent.

[Clears throat] There, that's better.

- Ugh.
- Greg, you are officially invited

to join the Historical Guild.

Yahoo-hoo-hoo!

It was the pie that put me over the top.

Oh, and Anna-Kat and Penny
still get to play together,

or else I am going to tell everyone...

I'm out of secrets.

[Both sigh]

Just think it'd be nice
to get the kids together.

If you stick to it,
the low road works. Just does.

Don't touch me. It's all right, darling.

[Screams]

[Clears throat]

Someone stole my ponies.

Actually, sweetie, Mommy
and Daddy stole your ponies.

Why would you do that?!

We wanted to show you how it
feels when someone

takes something away from you
that's important.

- How do you feel?
- It feels awful.

It sure does.

I'm never stealing again.

Now I want to return everything.

Everything?

♪

Pretend we never saw this
and throw everything

- into the garbage.
- Yeah.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com