Original subtitles

FRANKIE: Last time on The Middle:

We're gonna take a little family vacation.

- What? - No!

The last time I went camping with you was literally the worst night of my life.

You went camping on your honeymoon?

Is that why she never talks about it?

Was it a beautiful day on your bad honeymoon?

Bad? No one said it was bad.

FRANKIE: I guess after 19 years, Mike doesn't remember just how bad it really was.

[TWIGS SNAPPING]

- What's that? - Hey!

I know you.

Do I know you?

Mike. Mike Heck.

It's me, Nicky Kohlbrenner.

Class of '83.

Manager of the basketball team.

Hey.

Wow, Nicky.

Hey, pal. Heh, heh.

Well, here, I'm gonna put you down now.

Been forever. I mean, what are the odds?

And who is this lovely lady?

MIKE: This is Frankie, my wife.

You're married. Good for you.

Good for you.

What ever happened to that smoking-hot chick you dated senior year?

What was her name? Darcy? Stacy?

- Tracy. - Right.

Man, you were really in love with her.

I thought for sure you two were gonna get married. He was just 9393 over her.

Remember the time you snuck her on the team bus?

Oh, man. Get a room.

Yeah, well, Nicky, turns out this is the gal for me.

So how long you two been hitched?

- Oh, about four hours. - Heh, heh, heh.

Is this your honeymoon? Am I crashing your honeymoon?

Well, sort of, kind of.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Oh, jeez, where are my manners?

I got some wine right here for a toast.

What are the odds? Go ahead.

Oh, no, that's okay.

I'm not really a wine sipper.

- Take it. It's my gift to you. - Oh, that's--

Mmm. Wow.

It's nice.

- Well, it's great to see you. - Yeah. Yeah.

You too.

[NICKY GROANS]

Oh, boy. Oh, no.

Boy, that feels good.

Could I trouble you for the day?

Uh, Saturday.

Wow, I've been walking for two days.

I guess it's time to admit I'm lost.

By the way, you look really familiar. Have we met before?

Oh, no. I'm pretty sure I would have remembered you. Heh, heh.

Well, kudos for landing the power forward...

...:: the Orson Thundering Hens municipal champs.

And you were the manager, you said?

NICKY: That's all right, Mikey. I don't expect you to remember me.

I just took care of the equipment.

Not like I ever played.

Well, there was one time coach told me to suit up.

- Oh, yeah? - Four minutes on the clock.

You take the charge from the big power forward and barn.

You hit the floor. Not getting up.

And then Coach Benson turned and he pointed to me.

And then I got up off the bench, finally.

And then I heard the crowd starting to cheer and, wow, you got up, Mikey.

Who'd have guessed you'd stand up from an injury like that?

Not me, but you did.

So back down on the bench I went. My dad was in the stands.

He died that year, but it's not like I didn't go on to success.

I mean, I didn't go on to success, but it's okay.

My lack of success means I don't meet a lot of women, but I like the solitude.

Or you grow to like it anyway.

Funny thing is you didn't even play that well. You just limped around.

You didn't score one point that whole last quarter.

Oh, well...

Why don't you stay for dinner?

BRICK: So, what happened?

He turn out to be one of those escaped convicts with a hack for a hand?

I wish.

Frankie.

[SUE SCREAMS]

SUE: I'm telling Mom. Mom!

- What the hell's going on? - Axl chip-clipped my eye.

Axl.

It really hurts. But I left it on so you could see what he did to me.

It's her fault. I was aiming for her mouth, but she moved.

Axl, what were you thinking?

You could really have hurt your sister, and new the chips are gonna get stale.

She won't shut up about high school. She's driving me nuts!

I mean, you have to agree, she's a huge dork.

What's on your feet?

Heh. They're my dope new kicks. Check them out.

Just tell me you took the cereal out first.

No, I'm a moron who tied full cereal boxes to his feet.

Axl, no more hurting your sister and, Sue, no more talking about high school.

We came here to have fun and that's what we're gonna do.

So you're gonna let us go to the Winnebago and watch TV?

No, we're playing a board game that I brought.

Ugh! Even in the woods, we're the poorest people.

Mom, I don't remember there being a spinner in Monopoly.

Way to go, Mom. There's no dice.

And no properties.

Only some Sorry cards.

FRANKIE: That's okay. We can make this work.

Look, look, look, we each get some money to start.

Uh, except for Mike, who gets two Scrabble tiles, each worth $100.

Hm.

- I get the thimble. - I get the battleship.

Hey, the only thing left in here is a dirty sock.

Okay, so Brick's the dirty sock and your dad and I...

...will just keep track with our fingers.

- See? This is gonna work out great. SUE: I'm first.

Community chest.

There's no cards.

Okay, well, pop this bubble and if you get a two or a six, you get another turn.

Oh, five. Too bad.

Brick, you're up.

Brick.

[BUZZES]

Oh, me? I thought you said "Rick."

Three, four, five...

- This chunk of the board's missing. FRANKIE: That's okay.

You can either buy a hungry hippo to swim across the gap...

...or trade in Professor Plum for a bonus spin.

How much for the hippo?

Frankie, this game makes no sense.

I'm trying to make a special vacation here, Mike. Just spin.

Oh, my God. I thought of a really important question about high school...

-...that needs to be answered. - See? She won't shut up.

Hence the chip clip.

"Reading Railroad."

Uh... We don't have that one.

Well, you can have Peppermint Forest or Queen Frostine...

-...or you can pick one of these activity cards. - Ah.

"Do a charade." No.

Oh, come on. That would be fun.

We'll never know.

Please, Axl, it's really important.

We're not talking about that.

We're trying to create special family memories, okay?

Axl, spin.

[SIGHS]

Come on, bankrupt, so I don't have to play this lame game anymore.

[AXL BABBLING]

Ooh. Landed on Water Works. Gonna king myself for that.

You could only king yourself if you connect four.

Axl, please, you have to tell me.

Do we say the Pledge of Allegiance before or after the announcements?

- Sue! - What? I'm not asking as a student.

I am asking as an American.

Oh, my God.

Seriously, Morn, you cannot send her to my school.

Since Axl's mean to his sister, he loses a turn.

Oh, so she's a complete freak show...

...and when I call her on it, I'm the mean one?

Stop yelling. People come to the woods for quiet.

Brick, it's your turn.

Brick.

MIKE: Brick?

BRICK: Huh?

I don't know the rules of the game.

Nobody knows the rules of the game.

Just spin or pop or whatever and move your sock.

Brick.

He's reading a bank.

Just because Sue is being a freak show, don't have to take your anger out on me.

I am not a freak show.

I'm just asking questions that any freshman would want to know.

I don't think I got an answer on that Pledge of Allegiance thing.

Brick, what did I say to you out by the lake?

Well, first you said, "Pretty great, huh? For the love of God, you're reading.

I thought we left the bank at the campsite."

- Then I said-- - I don't need the minutes.

- What was the point I was making? - You don't know, how am I supposed to?

Barn! I sunk your Yahtzee.

Brick, what did I tell you about not burying your head in a bank?

I looked at the lake.

Not just about looking at the lake one time, Brick.

The lake is a symbol.

It's about participating in life, being part of the family, noticing what's around.

There are amazing stars up there, if you ever looked at them.

I thought you got that.

Oh.

Apparently not.

All right, you know what? Fine. You wanna read? Go to your tent.

Okay.

Yeah, great punishment, Mike.

You're sending him to a more comfortable place to do what he's doing.

Sue, it's your turn. I'll read the card for you. Ahem.

"Do not pass Go. Go to Loser Gardens where you already own the properties."

SUE: Hmm.

Oh. "The player to your left is a smelly-footed stupid head."

"Player to your right has no witty comebacks."

"The player to your left has an ugly face."

"The player to your right should know what an ugly face is...

...because she looks atone every day in the mirror." Oh!

I'd like to solve the murder. Sue got killed in the woods with the ax.

- Oh! Take this, you-- - Stop it, you two.

You're ruining Battle-Boggle-opoly.

[SCREAMS]

That's it. Sue, Axl, go to your tent.

- But she's the one who-- FRANKIE: Stop it. I don't wanna hear it.

You've been a jerk to your sister this whole vacation and you are her brother.

- You're supposed to help her. - Why?

Why do I always have to help her?

Why do I always have to be the one to save the day?

What? When did you ever save the day?

Seriously, name one day you saved.

No, not even a day.

Name a morning you saved.

You know, she's scared, Axl.

She's scared?

I'm scared.

Ever think about that? Everyone's worried about Sue. What about me?

I spent years building my reputation at school...

...and now she's coming into my world, and Sue-ing it up.

It's not fair. No one cares about what I might be going through.

Nobody even thinks about me.

[AXL GROANS]

[AXL YELLS]

See? This is why I didn't wanna go camping.

It does not bring people closer together. It brings them apart.

Will you stop blaming everything on camping? You had one bad time.

It was really bad.

Okay, yes, and it's all my fault.

It was, Mike. It was.

So then the hall's coming right at you...

...but there's not enough time to raise your hands...

...50 you bump the ball off your head into the air, whoosh.

Right into the bucket to beat the buzzer. What are the odds?

I forgot all about that. That was a great game.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah. Oh.

We make a good team. You hit the shot. I wiped your sweat up off the floor.

Hey, I never slipped once.

Oh, and then I remember you told Tracy that you were too woozy to drive home...

...because you hit the ball on your head, you had to go home with her. Huh? You dog.

- Heh, heh. - Okay. Mrs. Dog, right here.

Uh-oh.

You're upset.

Mike, I made your new wife upset.

I'm not upset.

Here. Let me make you an "I'm sorry" s'more.

The secret is to shimmy. Don't yank.

Taste the difference that the shimmy makes.

- Try it. - No, I--

It's good.

Heh. Mmm.

Yeah.

That's tasty. But I'm still kind of full from all the cake.

From our wedding.

Earlier today.

Oh. Hey, I get it. Message received.

You don't gotta tell me twice.

If there's one thing you can say about Nicky, he knows when he's not wanted.

He knows it a lot.

Okay. There was an order I packed it so it all fit.

Hey, pal, why don't you let me help you here? Look at that.

- That'll go there. FRANKIE: All set.

- Look at that. It all fits. - Oh. Beautiful.

- Okay. Bring it up. Put it on his back. - Here we go.

There's no chance you're ever looking up Tracy?

- You mind if I take a crack at that? - Hey, knock yourself out.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Well, bye now.

Right when I was about to leave.

What are the odds?

Why don't you stay until the rain stops?

I guess I had to get lost to find a true friend.

NICKY: Oh, these scented candles are nice.

- Seriously, Mike? - What?

What am I supposed to do? You think I'm happy about this?

I don't know. Maybe you are.

We've only been married one day. I don't know you that well.

Maybe you're the kind of guy who hangs out with his buddies, ignores his wife.

You may have shown me a side of you I don't know if I like.

I thought you were sweet and caring...

...but I guess you're the girl that sends a last guy out into the rain.

Maybe you showed me a side of you I don't know if I like.

NICKY: Are these chocolates for everybody?

Great. Neither of us likes each other, now we're having our first fight.

It isn't bad enough that we're camping on our honeymoon...

...and now we're fighting.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

You were excited about camping.

I said, "Oh, wow."

That's not excited. That's lying.

You don't know me at all.

The guy did say, "For better or worse."

Well, I didn't know you'd be leading with worse.

MIKE: Okay. I screwed up.

I took you camping on our honeymoon, which is apparently the worst idea ever.

It rained, a guy from high school showed up and we had a fight.

But it was 19 years ago, Frankie.

Nineteen years.

We got three kids. It worked out.

Why won't you let this go?

Because I can't.

Okay, fine, then sulk.

Sulk just like you did then.

- I didn't sulk. - Yes, you did.

You sulked all night and you couldn't let it go.

I tried to make up with you.

- What? - That's right.

In the tent. I tried to make up with you.

FRANKIE: Mike?

Mike, the rain stopped.

He's gone.

Aw.

I'm sorry, Mike.

[MOANING]

[FRANKIE KISSING]

[NICKY MOANS AND FRANKIE GASPS]

[BOTH SCREAM]

I'm kidding. I knew it was you.

You're not Mike.

Oh, you and everybody else.

It's like I'm talking to my father all over again.

- Get out, get out, get out. - Okay. We're in a tent here.

- It's just us. - Get out.

In an alternate universe, you and I could've been very happy together.

Get out.

[GASPS THEN GROANS]

- What? - That's right, Mike.

I almost consummated our marriage with Nicky Kohlbrenner.

- What? - I thought it was you.

How could you think it was me?

Why would I think it wasn't? There was one man in the tent.

I assumed it was my new husband, seeing as it was our honeymoon and all.

I went for a walk.

Who goes for a walk on their honeymoon?

What are you yelling at me for? You kissed the guy.

You know how many people I kissed since we got married? You.

- I think I deserve a freebie. - Fine. Be my guest.

- Anyone in mind? - I got a few in mind.

- Maybe some that you might not expect. - You got nothing.

No, but you know what it is?

Nineteen years later and we're having the same argument, you know why?

Because you don't know how to go with the flow.

Until you learn how to go with the flow, you'll never get camping.

I was trying to create some memories.

Well, you got them.

[MOSQUITO BUZZING]

FRANKIE: So everyone went to bed mad.

In the race for suckiest night of my life...

...tonight was officially neck and neck with my honeymoon.

Mom, guess what.

I've matured.

Yeah, you're going to high school. We get it.

No, I mean, I was just in the bathroom and I found out I've matured.

Wait.

- You mean--? - Yes. Can you believe it?

I've been lying about having it for a year and a half and it finally happened.

Oh. Wow!

- I know. - Okay, okay, okay.

- Do you need an? - No.

I've been carrying them around in my purse for years. Isn't it exciting?

Yeah, well, it's not always gonna be as fun as it seems tonight, but--

Funny thing is when I thought about telling Carly...

...it hit me that we might not be in the same homeroom anymore...

...which would make me worry.

Then I realized all that stuff that scared me about high school was sort of gene.

- Oh, Sue. - Yeah.

Just don't tell Dad or Axl.

Of course. It'll be just between us girls.

I mean, us women.

[RUSTLING AND HEAVY BREATHING]

Shh. We're gonna wake Dad.

[FOOTSTEPS AND TWIGS SNAPPING]

Doesn't sound like Dad.

[ANIMAL SNORTING AND GRUNTING]

FRANKIE: Then I remembered ignoring something Brick read to us in the car.

"Bears are most active around dawn and dusk.

They're often attracted to improperly packed fond...

...but some studies suggest they may also be drawn to menstruating women."

- Wake up! Wake up! - Frankie, what's going on?

Sue's got her period, there's a bear outside.

- Mom. AXL: Oh, what's with the screaming?

There's a bear and Sue got her period.

- What? - Run. Run. Everybody get to the car.

Bear. Bear. My daughter got her period. Everybody run.

Run away.

MIKE: Really, Sue? New? SUE: I couldn't help it.

It's a girl with her period. There have been studies. Make way.

Mom, you said you weren't gonna tell.

AX I: Ow. Ow. Ow.

[ALL PANTING]

Wait.

Where's Brick? Brick.

He said something about looking at stars.

Oh, God. He's out there by himself and it's my fault.

Why did I tell him not to read?

Oh, no. He's so little. He's gonna be like an appetizer.

I gotta go find him.

I'm right here.

Oh, Brick, you scared us. We thought you were out there looking at stars.

I was.

You don't get it, do you? I thought I explained--

Mike, not the time.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Oh, damn it. The battery's dead.

Sorry, I was using the light to read.

[BEAR ROARING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

- I think it wants Sue. - What?

Give her to the bear and let him marry her. It's not like she's gonna do better.

- Aah! - We're all gonna die.

All right, everyone quiet.

I'll handle this.

- Hey. -"Hey"?

That won't even get the museums off our hem Pawn.

- Oh, God. Aah! - Aah! Oh, shut up.

Okay, everyone just hold on.

[CRASHING AND ALL SCREAMING]

I read bears don't like loud noises.

We should all shout or sing.

[SINGING] Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall Ninety-nine bottles of beer

ALL: Take one down, pass it around Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall

Ninety-eight homes of beer on the wall

FRANKIE: Around 56 bottles of beer on the wall, the bear went away.

Turns out nobody likes that song.

Yep, there's a lot of different things you can bring back from a summer vacation:

A magnet, a T-shirt, a picture with all your heads through a funny cut-out.

But once in a while, you bring home something a lot more meaningful.

Like I said, Mrs. Heck, camping.

I get it now.

I wonder how long it'll last.

SUE: Oh, Axl, one more question.

Are the water fountains twist or push? Because--

Hey.

[SIGHS]

I'll drive her.

Hey!

[English - us - SDH]