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1
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♪♪
2
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Whazzup!
3
00:00:19,095 --> 00:00:20,553
Guess who?
4
00:00:20,553 --> 00:00:22,261
No, it's so good
to hear your voice.
5
00:00:22,261 --> 00:00:23,804
I miss you so much.
6
00:00:23,804 --> 00:00:25,387
You're the worst.
7
00:00:25,387 --> 00:00:28,136
You are honestly
the worst person I know.
8
00:00:28,136 --> 00:00:29,887
Except for her wife to be,
I know.
9
00:00:29,887 --> 00:00:31,553
She is the worst.
But you're the be--
10
00:00:35,637 --> 00:00:38,345
I'm going to kill myself
in 180 days
11
00:00:38,345 --> 00:00:40,804
if things don't get better.
12
00:00:40,804 --> 00:00:44,053
I think it will hurt
some people,
13
00:00:44,053 --> 00:00:46,970
but in a way I'm doing them
a huge service.
14
00:00:46,970 --> 00:00:49,512
I'm giving them a gift.
15
00:00:49,512 --> 00:00:52,136
I mean, I'm 45.
16
00:00:52,136 --> 00:00:54,261
I'm fat.
17
00:00:54,261 --> 00:00:57,011
I'm this queer dyke
who has done shit in her life.
18
00:00:57,011 --> 00:01:00,136
And that is my identity?
19
00:01:00,136 --> 00:01:02,261
It's like, I'm trying
to be a feminist
20
00:01:02,261 --> 00:01:04,970
and I have this, like, princess,
like, prince fantasy.
21
00:01:04,970 --> 00:01:08,762
Like, not necessarily
a man prince,
22
00:01:08,762 --> 00:01:13,095
but I'm a struggling
damsel in fucking distress.
23
00:01:14,679 --> 00:01:16,095
This bitch at work
24
00:01:16,095 --> 00:01:19,053
knows I've been fluctuating
weight-wise,
25
00:01:19,053 --> 00:01:20,512
so she's like,
26
00:01:20,512 --> 00:01:25,178
"Oh, I went to Costco
and got you almonds."
27
00:01:26,845 --> 00:01:28,387
Fucking bitch.
28
00:01:28,387 --> 00:01:31,387
So I laid out 180 almonds,
29
00:01:31,387 --> 00:01:35,095
and every day I'm going to just
go throw one away.
30
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,303
And then at the end
if I have one last almond,
31
00:01:37,303 --> 00:01:41,053
if there's one almond left
and I don't feel any better,
32
00:01:41,053 --> 00:01:42,845
I'm done, I'm out,
33
00:01:42,845 --> 00:01:44,345
because I'm sick of it.
34
00:01:44,345 --> 00:01:45,720
I'm sick of struggling.
35
00:01:48,470 --> 00:01:50,178
And in my note,
I'm going to tell that woman
36
00:01:50,178 --> 00:01:54,470
the almonds were what
pushed me over the edge.
37
00:01:54,470 --> 00:01:59,303
I'm surrounded by people
who are, like, full selves.
38
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And I'm, like...
39
00:02:02,220 --> 00:02:05,845
this building
that's been delayed.
40
00:02:05,845 --> 00:02:07,136
I'm that building.
41
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Shitty.
42
00:02:10,178 --> 00:02:13,470
Thing with, like,
unfinished beams
43
00:02:13,470 --> 00:02:17,220
that is, like, hard on
the buildings around it,
44
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:18,762
like, and the people.
45
00:02:18,762 --> 00:02:21,261
That eyesore, you know?
Like, it's...
46
00:02:21,261 --> 00:02:23,512
And all of this--
that has to change.
47
00:02:23,512 --> 00:02:25,345
I need to become a building.
48
00:02:27,887 --> 00:02:29,303
You know what I mean?
49
00:02:40,679 --> 00:02:43,512
Dr. Frank--?
Dr. Franklin?
50
00:02:49,553 --> 00:02:51,136
[gasps]
51
00:02:55,970 --> 00:02:58,970
Are you fucking
kidding me?
52
00:02:59,887 --> 00:03:01,512
[Abby screams]
53
00:03:01,512 --> 00:03:03,553
[Abby]
Fuck this!
54
00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:07,261
What did you do?
55
00:03:07,261 --> 00:03:10,220
Well, I mean,
I checked her pulse.
56
00:03:11,553 --> 00:03:13,845
I don't really know
how to do that.
57
00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:16,220
Like, back in seventh grade
when we learned how to do that,
58
00:03:16,220 --> 00:03:19,679
they told us that we had to say
the number out loud.
59
00:03:19,679 --> 00:03:22,053
But I always lied,
because I had a higher pulse
60
00:03:22,053 --> 00:03:24,303
than all the other kids,
because I was fat.
61
00:03:24,303 --> 00:03:26,387
But there was this super-fat kid
named Kurt,
62
00:03:26,387 --> 00:03:28,011
and he would always
tell the truth,
63
00:03:28,011 --> 00:03:29,512
and the whole class
would laugh at him.
64
00:03:29,512 --> 00:03:31,387
And he thought that he was in
on the joke,
65
00:03:31,387 --> 00:03:33,637
but they were laughing at him,
not with him, you know?
66
00:03:33,637 --> 00:03:35,053
-And it was just--
-More coffee?
67
00:03:35,053 --> 00:03:36,845
Oh, actually,
we're all set.
68
00:03:36,845 --> 00:03:38,720
Just the check. I have to get
to soccer practice.
69
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:39,887
[Chris]
Oh, you play soccer?
70
00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:43,345
No. My kids do.
71
00:03:43,345 --> 00:03:45,136
Yeah, I figured.
72
00:03:45,136 --> 00:03:47,720
Aly, it was a joke.
73
00:03:49,261 --> 00:03:51,303
I'll be right back
with the check.
74
00:03:51,303 --> 00:03:52,428
Thank you.
75
00:03:54,261 --> 00:03:56,011
She is so gorgeous.
76
00:03:56,011 --> 00:03:57,345
I mean...
77
00:03:57,345 --> 00:03:59,220
-Really?
-Yeah.
78
00:03:59,220 --> 00:04:01,261
Go ask her out.
79
00:04:01,261 --> 00:04:04,929
I killed my therapist today, Al.
I'm not going to ask her out.
80
00:04:04,929 --> 00:04:06,178
Besides, I'm fat today,
you know?
81
00:04:06,178 --> 00:04:07,679
Today?
82
00:04:07,679 --> 00:04:09,261
You know when you say
stuff like that...
83
00:04:09,261 --> 00:04:11,178
I didn't mean it like that.
84
00:04:11,178 --> 00:04:12,887
I just meant, why is today
different than any other?
85
00:04:12,887 --> 00:04:15,428
I just feel it, you know?
86
00:04:15,428 --> 00:04:16,679
And also,
87
00:04:16,679 --> 00:04:19,136
you did not kill
your therapist.
88
00:04:19,136 --> 00:04:21,845
No, I did.
I-I killed her.
89
00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:26,970
I just told her that I had given
myself 180 days to get happier,
90
00:04:26,970 --> 00:04:28,303
or else I was going to end it.
91
00:04:28,303 --> 00:04:29,637
And then she dies.
92
00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:31,095
What?
93
00:04:31,095 --> 00:04:32,637
What-what?
94
00:04:32,637 --> 00:04:34,679
You're suicidal?
95
00:04:34,679 --> 00:04:36,428
-I told you that.
-No, you didn't.
96
00:04:36,428 --> 00:04:38,553
-Yeah, you know, I did.
-I'm pretty sure you didn't.
97
00:04:38,553 --> 00:04:41,303
-Um, I'm pretty sure I did.
-Jesus, Abby.
98
00:04:41,303 --> 00:04:42,762
I don't know why
you get mad at me when I--
99
00:04:42,762 --> 00:04:44,512
Because, okay...
100
00:04:44,512 --> 00:04:46,303
-What--What are we going to do?
-Okay, you know what?
101
00:04:46,303 --> 00:04:48,136
Actually, this is a problem
you can't fix,
102
00:04:48,136 --> 00:04:50,136
so just don't even try, okay?
103
00:04:50,136 --> 00:04:52,011
-Well, you have to tell someone.
-Well, I did.
104
00:04:52,011 --> 00:04:53,220
Well, she was dead.
105
00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:55,637
I was talking about you.
106
00:04:55,637 --> 00:04:58,011
Anyways, I--you know, I've
started to make some changes.
107
00:04:58,011 --> 00:04:59,470
How?
108
00:04:59,470 --> 00:05:01,679
For starters, I'm going
to need a new therapist.
109
00:05:01,679 --> 00:05:03,303
-[mutters]
-Here's your check.
110
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,929
-Oh, thank you.
-You're gonna want to hurry
111
00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:06,595
so you can get
to soccer practice.
112
00:05:06,595 --> 00:05:07,637
Right.
113
00:05:07,637 --> 00:05:09,011
[laughs]
114
00:05:09,011 --> 00:05:11,053
Aly. Yes,
that was a good one.
115
00:05:11,053 --> 00:05:14,345
-Have a nice day.
-Thank you.
116
00:05:14,345 --> 00:05:17,303
Okay, I'm fat, and she's hitting
on my skinny straight sister.
117
00:05:17,303 --> 00:05:19,011
Oh, my God.
That is so not true.
118
00:05:19,011 --> 00:05:20,762
Get your stuff.
I got to go.
119
00:05:20,762 --> 00:05:22,512
Hey, guys, you know my sister,
Aly?
120
00:05:22,512 --> 00:05:23,970
Married, two kids?
121
00:05:23,970 --> 00:05:25,095
Fucking dyke magnet.
122
00:05:25,095 --> 00:05:27,428
It, like, happens
all the time.
123
00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,053
-It's ridiculous.
-You know what?
124
00:05:29,053 --> 00:05:30,845
Will you stop
feeling sorry for yourself.
125
00:05:30,845 --> 00:05:33,679
You know what? You just said
to start talking about it, okay?
126
00:05:33,679 --> 00:05:34,762
And that's what
I'm trying to do.
127
00:05:34,762 --> 00:05:35,804
Almonds--
128
00:05:35,804 --> 00:05:37,595
Lighten up with the almonds,
okay?
129
00:05:37,595 --> 00:05:39,220
We don't have time for that.
You're going to be fine.
130
00:05:39,220 --> 00:05:40,553
-Fine?
-Yes!
131
00:05:40,553 --> 00:05:43,178
That is so easy for you to say,
Aly.
132
00:05:43,178 --> 00:05:45,553
You have everything
all worked out, and inside,
133
00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:47,804
the hottest fucking baby dyke
on the face of the planet
134
00:05:47,804 --> 00:05:49,637
-is throwing herself at you.
-Oh, my God.
135
00:05:49,637 --> 00:05:51,095
You know what?
You're delusional.
136
00:05:51,095 --> 00:05:52,720
I am not delusional, okay?
137
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,845
I am pathetic. That's...
138
00:05:56,970 --> 00:05:58,553
Okay.
139
00:06:00,387 --> 00:06:01,512
Hey...
140
00:06:02,970 --> 00:06:04,720
[sighs]
141
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,553
-Hi.
-Hi.
142
00:06:14,553 --> 00:06:16,428
Were you hitting on me or were
you hitting on my sister?
143
00:06:16,428 --> 00:06:17,720
I wasn't hitting on anybody.
144
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:20,220
Oh. Good.
Thank you.
145
00:06:20,220 --> 00:06:21,929
But you know what?
146
00:06:21,929 --> 00:06:23,887
If you were going to hit
on someone, who would it be?
147
00:06:23,887 --> 00:06:25,303
-Not you.
-Right, because I'm straight.
148
00:06:25,303 --> 00:06:27,053
And you seem kind of mean.
149
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,261
[Alison]
What? Really?
150
00:06:29,261 --> 00:06:31,178
I'm just in a hurry.
151
00:06:31,178 --> 00:06:32,887
Okay.
152
00:06:32,887 --> 00:06:34,595
Oh, my God,
I'm mean when I'm in a hurry.
153
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:36,303
Great. You know what? I don't
even care what you think.
154
00:06:36,303 --> 00:06:39,428
But, here,
this is my sister's number.
155
00:06:39,428 --> 00:06:41,595
She thinks you're gorgeous.
Also, she killed someone today.
156
00:06:41,595 --> 00:06:43,720
-What?
-Well, not really. It's a joke.
157
00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:45,929
-That's a joke?
-Kind of.
158
00:06:45,929 --> 00:06:49,095
Ask her about it.
Her name's Abby.
159
00:06:49,095 --> 00:06:51,095
-Okay.
-Okay?
160
00:06:51,095 --> 00:06:52,595
Okay.
161
00:06:58,929 --> 00:07:00,595
Do you think that I'm mean?
162
00:07:00,595 --> 00:07:02,720
-Sometimes, yeah.
-Oh, my God. You know what?
163
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,553
I don't even care, okay?
I just--don't--
164
00:07:04,553 --> 00:07:06,970
please, don't kill yourself.
165
00:07:06,970 --> 00:07:09,970
Okay, see, that's mean.
166
00:07:09,970 --> 00:07:11,303
[laughter]
167
00:07:11,303 --> 00:07:12,804
[woman]
Okay, four words.
168
00:07:12,804 --> 00:07:14,387
Four words.
Fourth word...
169
00:07:14,387 --> 00:07:15,679
Sounds like...
170
00:07:15,679 --> 00:07:18,178
[overlapped chatter]
171
00:07:18,178 --> 00:07:19,762
Seven Years in Tibet!
172
00:07:19,762 --> 00:07:22,679
[all shouting]
173
00:07:22,679 --> 00:07:26,095
You totally cheated!
174
00:07:26,095 --> 00:07:28,011
You cheated!
You cheated!
175
00:07:28,011 --> 00:07:29,470
"Tit, butt."
176
00:07:29,470 --> 00:07:32,178
Then she died.
And I just got to say...
177
00:07:32,178 --> 00:07:34,553
Stop. Wait, what?
178
00:07:34,553 --> 00:07:38,095
I'm just saying that
my therapist died in session,
179
00:07:38,095 --> 00:07:39,553
-and then--
-[laughs]
180
00:07:41,095 --> 00:07:43,136
I just had a major breakthrough.
181
00:07:43,136 --> 00:07:44,387
Well, then that's good,
at least.
182
00:07:44,387 --> 00:07:46,512
-Thank you.
-Yeah, yeah.
183
00:07:46,512 --> 00:07:51,345
Was your breakthrough realizing
that your problems were so big
184
00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:53,553
that your therapist
preferred death
185
00:07:53,553 --> 00:07:55,679
over listening to your problems
for one more minute?
186
00:07:55,679 --> 00:07:57,970
Okay, you know what?
Fuck you, Chandler.
187
00:07:57,970 --> 00:07:59,887
-You know what?
-[oven dings]
188
00:07:59,887 --> 00:08:02,178
That's my brie!
189
00:08:02,178 --> 00:08:04,053
It's our turn.
It's our turn. Abby, go.
190
00:08:04,053 --> 00:08:05,303
You're up. You're up.
You're up.
191
00:08:05,303 --> 00:08:06,553
Let's go.
192
00:08:06,553 --> 00:08:08,470
[overlapped chatter]
193
00:08:08,470 --> 00:08:10,178
[Campbell]
No cheating. No cheating.
194
00:08:10,178 --> 00:08:12,845
I don't cheat, bitch.
Your team does.
195
00:08:12,845 --> 00:08:14,178
Okay...
196
00:08:14,178 --> 00:08:16,804
[indistinct chattering]
197
00:08:16,804 --> 00:08:18,679
Oh! Oh! I killed my therapist!
198
00:08:18,679 --> 00:08:20,345
Fuck you.
199
00:08:20,345 --> 00:08:22,637
Oh, come on, man.
Fuck you, dude.
200
00:08:22,637 --> 00:08:23,845
[cell phone rings]
201
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:28,053
Don't answer it.
I don't recognize the number.
202
00:08:28,053 --> 00:08:29,720
That's okay.
203
00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:31,762
-[ringing]
-That was so mean, even for you.
204
00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:33,512
[Campbell]
Oh, please.
205
00:08:33,512 --> 00:08:34,929
-Are you fucking kidding me?
-I'm sorry.
206
00:08:34,929 --> 00:08:36,553
You idiot.
207
00:08:36,553 --> 00:08:39,303
-Come on. Jesus Christ.
-Georgia.
208
00:08:39,303 --> 00:08:41,178
Hello?
209
00:08:41,178 --> 00:08:43,553
Hey, is this Abby?
210
00:08:43,553 --> 00:08:45,887
Yeah, this is Abby.
211
00:08:45,887 --> 00:08:47,553
Hi, this is Chris.
212
00:08:47,553 --> 00:08:49,220
The waiter from Daisies.
213
00:08:49,220 --> 00:08:51,595
Wait, the wait...
214
00:08:51,595 --> 00:08:53,804
[Chris]
Daisies. Uh, the restaurant.
215
00:08:53,804 --> 00:08:56,345
You and your sister, the
soccer player, came in today.
216
00:08:56,345 --> 00:08:58,679
Oh, right.
217
00:08:58,679 --> 00:09:01,428
Uh, she gave me your number.
218
00:09:01,428 --> 00:09:04,887
Alison is such
a fucking bitch.
219
00:09:04,887 --> 00:09:06,720
[laughter]
220
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,387
She's just finding that out now?
221
00:09:08,387 --> 00:09:10,303
[Alison] Hey, are you--
are you still there?
222
00:09:10,303 --> 00:09:11,387
Yeah.
223
00:09:11,387 --> 00:09:12,428
[Alison stammers]
224
00:09:12,428 --> 00:09:14,762
Okay, this is so embarrassing.
225
00:09:14,762 --> 00:09:17,512
I, uh-- I didn't know
that she gave you my number.
226
00:09:17,512 --> 00:09:18,929
Wait a minute.
Did we mess up the tip?
227
00:09:18,929 --> 00:09:20,095
Did we fuck you over
on the tip?
228
00:09:20,095 --> 00:09:21,679
Oh, God, no.
229
00:09:21,679 --> 00:09:23,762
No, actually, you are a very
generous tipper.
230
00:09:23,762 --> 00:09:26,970
I mean, I worked in the service
industry, so, you know...
231
00:09:26,970 --> 00:09:28,345
I-I don't know.
232
00:09:28,345 --> 00:09:30,595
I thought you were funny
and kind of interesting,
233
00:09:30,595 --> 00:09:32,595
and your sister told me
you killed someone,
234
00:09:32,595 --> 00:09:34,470
and I guess that piqued
my curiosity.
235
00:09:34,470 --> 00:09:37,136
Okay, you know I didn't really
kill her, right?
236
00:09:37,136 --> 00:09:38,428
Oh, I figured.
237
00:09:38,428 --> 00:09:40,053
[chuckles]
Okay.
238
00:09:43,303 --> 00:09:44,595
Wait, are you still there?
239
00:09:47,095 --> 00:09:48,762
Can I buy you a drink
sometime?
240
00:09:48,762 --> 00:09:49,929
Really?
241
00:09:52,762 --> 00:09:54,970
Yeah, actually,
I'd love it.
242
00:09:54,970 --> 00:09:57,553
I haven't been out for a drink
with an attractive woman
243
00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:59,637
in a really long time, so...
244
00:10:01,387 --> 00:10:05,011
Actually, I'm a trans man.
245
00:10:05,011 --> 00:10:09,387
Well, I haven't been out with
an attractive trans man in ever.
246
00:10:09,387 --> 00:10:11,095
So...
247
00:10:11,095 --> 00:10:14,303
Okay, I'm so sorry to be rude,
but I actually
248
00:10:14,303 --> 00:10:16,679
-really have to go.
-Yeah, no. No problem.
249
00:10:16,679 --> 00:10:19,136
Okay, okay. Okay, bye.
All right, bye.
250
00:10:21,970 --> 00:10:24,804
♪ Abby's got a date ♪
251
00:10:24,804 --> 00:10:27,595
-Campbell...
-♪ Abby's got a date ♪
252
00:10:27,595 --> 00:10:29,470
-That's great.
-[Abby] Thank you. Thanks.
253
00:10:29,470 --> 00:10:30,804
When are you going
to see her?
254
00:10:30,804 --> 00:10:33,512
Actually, well, she's a guy.
255
00:10:33,512 --> 00:10:34,804
He's a guy.
256
00:10:34,804 --> 00:10:36,845
-[woman] What?
-He's trans.
257
00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:39,345
-He's a man.
-Who's a man?
258
00:10:39,345 --> 00:10:41,261
Abby's new girlfriend.
259
00:10:41,261 --> 00:10:42,637
Right?
260
00:10:42,637 --> 00:10:43,679
Yeah.
261
00:10:51,887 --> 00:10:54,261
I hope this is going
to be okay.
262
00:10:54,261 --> 00:10:56,512
You mean the restaurant?
263
00:10:56,512 --> 00:10:58,428
Yeah. I mean, like,
when you go out,
264
00:10:58,428 --> 00:11:01,387
do you always, you know,
feel like you're at work?
265
00:11:01,387 --> 00:11:02,804
No, no, no.
This is great.
266
00:11:02,804 --> 00:11:04,595
This is pretty different
from my restaurant, so...
267
00:11:04,595 --> 00:11:05,929
It is, yeah.
268
00:11:05,929 --> 00:11:07,345
I actually come here a bunch
and...
269
00:11:07,345 --> 00:11:09,095
Oh, cool.
270
00:11:09,095 --> 00:11:10,470
So...
271
00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:13,428
where are you from?
272
00:11:13,428 --> 00:11:15,512
Move around a lot,
273
00:11:15,512 --> 00:11:18,720
but I moved here
from San Francisco, actually.
274
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,720
-San Francisco.
-Yeah. It's really pretty.
275
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,345
I went there one time when
I was in high school.
276
00:11:22,345 --> 00:11:24,303
It was, like, for a trip.
277
00:11:24,303 --> 00:11:25,512
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
278
00:11:27,053 --> 00:11:28,929
Okay.
279
00:11:28,929 --> 00:11:30,553
What?
280
00:11:30,553 --> 00:11:32,887
I think that's Julia Sweeney.
281
00:11:32,887 --> 00:11:35,136
-[Chris] Who?
-[Abby] Don't look.
282
00:11:35,136 --> 00:11:37,804
But I really think
that's Julia Sweeney.
283
00:11:39,428 --> 00:11:41,095
Who is Julia Sweeney?
284
00:11:41,095 --> 00:11:44,261
Uh, Julia Sweeney
from Saturday Night Live.
285
00:11:44,261 --> 00:11:45,845
She played Pat.
286
00:11:45,845 --> 00:11:47,553
[groans]
287
00:11:47,553 --> 00:11:50,470
I don't know
what you're saying.
288
00:11:50,470 --> 00:11:53,887
She's over there. Like,
she's so smug, drinking wine.
289
00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:56,387
Probably thinking of her next
thing that she's going to write
290
00:11:56,387 --> 00:11:57,970
for This American Life.
291
00:11:57,970 --> 00:11:59,929
I don't know what
you're talking about.
292
00:11:59,929 --> 00:12:01,804
Yeah. You watch
Saturday Night Live, though.
293
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,095
You've seen--
you watch it, right?
294
00:12:03,095 --> 00:12:05,095
I mean, yeah, but sometimes.
295
00:12:05,095 --> 00:12:06,220
Well, she played...
296
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,428
How old are you?
297
00:12:09,428 --> 00:12:11,095
-22.
-You're 22?
298
00:12:11,095 --> 00:12:12,762
Yeah.
299
00:12:12,762 --> 00:12:14,095
[laughs]
300
00:12:14,095 --> 00:12:16,136
-How old are you?
-45.
301
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,136
Huh.
302
00:12:18,136 --> 00:12:19,261
Huh? That's...
303
00:12:19,261 --> 00:12:21,512
[laughs]
304
00:12:21,512 --> 00:12:23,637
Okay, I gotta say one thing.
305
00:12:23,637 --> 00:12:27,261
Um, that woman over there
ruined my life.
306
00:12:27,261 --> 00:12:29,011
Let's start with cocktails,
I think.
307
00:12:29,011 --> 00:12:32,428
I think we should
start with cocktails.
308
00:12:32,428 --> 00:12:34,553
You should go talk to her.
309
00:12:34,553 --> 00:12:36,720
I'm not going to go
talk to her.
310
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,762
Yeah, you should go tell her
that she ruined your life.
311
00:12:38,762 --> 00:12:41,011
-Get it over with and be done.
-How do you see that going?
312
00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:43,887
Like, "Hi, Miss Sweeney.
My name is Abby.
313
00:12:43,887 --> 00:12:45,970
Uh, your character Pat
that you played,
314
00:12:45,970 --> 00:12:49,011
who nobody could tell was a man
or a woman, ruined my life.
315
00:12:49,011 --> 00:12:50,303
Have a good night."
316
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:51,970
-Wait. What?
-Yeah.
317
00:12:51,970 --> 00:12:53,887
That was the only joke
of the whole premise,
318
00:12:53,887 --> 00:12:56,136
was, is that a man
or a woman?
319
00:12:56,136 --> 00:12:57,637
-Fuck that.
-Yeah.
320
00:12:57,637 --> 00:12:59,178
And for, like, years after,
321
00:12:59,178 --> 00:13:02,512
people would always say
that I looked like Pat.
322
00:13:02,512 --> 00:13:04,136
Did you?
323
00:13:04,136 --> 00:13:06,387
To be fair, maybe.
324
00:13:06,387 --> 00:13:08,929
I mean, I wore a lot
of overalls and, you know...
325
00:13:08,929 --> 00:13:10,553
What do you think
she's doing here?
326
00:13:10,553 --> 00:13:13,303
She actually lives
up in the North Shore.
327
00:13:13,303 --> 00:13:14,804
-Oof.
-I know.
328
00:13:14,804 --> 00:13:17,261
I think I'm going to go
talk to her.
329
00:13:17,261 --> 00:13:19,637
I think that's a really
bad idea.
330
00:13:19,637 --> 00:13:21,887
I want to tell you,
I really hate conflict.
331
00:13:21,887 --> 00:13:24,637
I got to tell you,
I really love conflict.
332
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,553
[laughs]
Oh, Jesus.
333
00:13:26,553 --> 00:13:28,136
You should please
let me do this for you.
334
00:13:29,637 --> 00:13:32,345
-Yes. Yes. Okay.
-Thank you.
335
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,929
I'll be right back.
336
00:13:36,845 --> 00:13:38,011
[cell phone chimes]
337
00:13:48,345 --> 00:13:49,845
[inaudible]
338
00:14:02,011 --> 00:14:03,512
[Julia]
Abby?
339
00:14:03,512 --> 00:14:06,178
Hi, Abby. I'm Julia.
340
00:14:13,095 --> 00:14:14,345
Oh.
341
00:14:14,345 --> 00:14:15,387
Um...
342
00:14:16,595 --> 00:14:18,679
♪ punk rock music plays ♪
343
00:14:22,553 --> 00:14:25,845
[boys]
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
344
00:14:27,887 --> 00:14:29,720
Are you sure that's
the right address?
345
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,887
Yeah. Her roommates
are throwing the party.
346
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,303
You're going
to go in there?
347
00:14:36,303 --> 00:14:39,512
[Abby]
I know. She's so cute.
348
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:41,553
-All right, you're coming with?
-No. No way.
349
00:14:41,553 --> 00:14:43,470
I told you I'd walk you
to the party, that's it.
350
00:14:44,804 --> 00:14:46,053
[scoffs]
351
00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:47,220
Come...
352
00:14:54,136 --> 00:14:55,804
Hey! Are you sure you're at
the right party?
353
00:14:55,804 --> 00:14:58,303
I think so.
I'm looking for Alexis.
354
00:14:58,303 --> 00:14:59,637
Oh.
355
00:14:59,637 --> 00:15:01,929
Duh, okay. I get it.
356
00:15:01,929 --> 00:15:03,720
[giggling]
357
00:15:06,345 --> 00:15:07,387
Like...
358
00:15:11,637 --> 00:15:13,303
[chuckling]
359
00:15:13,303 --> 00:15:14,595
Pat's here.
360
00:15:20,428 --> 00:15:21,845
What did you just say?
361
00:15:21,845 --> 00:15:23,261
Nothing.
362
00:15:23,261 --> 00:15:24,637
Okay, that's not exactly true,
okay?
363
00:15:24,637 --> 00:15:26,095
Just tell me what you said.
364
00:15:26,095 --> 00:15:28,011
Chill out, dude,
I didn't say anything.
365
00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,970
-"Dude"?
-Yeah.
366
00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:32,011
Okay, let me help you out
for one second, okay?
367
00:15:32,011 --> 00:15:34,303
You called me Pat.
I walked in, you saw me,
368
00:15:34,303 --> 00:15:36,553
you turned to that jackass
and you said, "Hey, Pat's here."
369
00:15:36,553 --> 00:15:38,053
-Right?
-What's going on?
370
00:15:38,053 --> 00:15:39,720
Oh, hey. Nothing.
Hey.
371
00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,845
Hey. Abby, this is Charlotte,
my roommate.
372
00:15:41,845 --> 00:15:43,970
Hi. I've heard so much
about you.
373
00:15:43,970 --> 00:15:46,679
-You too. Thank you.
-What's going on, Chad?
374
00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:48,470
Nothing.
375
00:15:48,470 --> 00:15:49,929
Really, what's going on?
376
00:15:49,929 --> 00:15:51,470
It's really no big deal, okay?
377
00:15:51,470 --> 00:15:52,970
It doesn't sound
like nothing.
378
00:15:54,512 --> 00:15:55,970
He called me Pat.
379
00:15:55,970 --> 00:15:57,637
I really just--
I just want to forget it.
380
00:15:57,637 --> 00:15:59,011
-I didn't do anything.
-Seriously?
381
00:15:59,011 --> 00:16:00,804
-No, I didn't.
-Are you serious?
382
00:16:00,804 --> 00:16:02,345
Let's go put your bag
in my room.
383
00:16:02,345 --> 00:16:03,720
Yeah.
384
00:16:05,220 --> 00:16:06,303
Ugh!
385
00:16:07,428 --> 00:16:08,762
This is why.
386
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,095
This is why!
387
00:16:12,095 --> 00:16:13,970
Okay, I really--
388
00:16:13,970 --> 00:16:15,887
I really didn't mean
to cause a scene.
389
00:16:15,887 --> 00:16:17,261
It's--
What scene?
390
00:16:17,261 --> 00:16:18,512
-Okay.
-Thank you for coming.
391
00:16:18,512 --> 00:16:20,428
Thanks for inviting me.
392
00:16:20,428 --> 00:16:22,261
Your roommate seems
really, really nice.
393
00:16:22,261 --> 00:16:24,053
-She's the best.
-[Charlotte] Fuck you, Chad.
394
00:16:24,053 --> 00:16:26,929
You always get drunk
and you ruin everything fun.
395
00:16:26,929 --> 00:16:28,345
[Alexis]
Give me your bag.
396
00:16:28,345 --> 00:16:30,303
Okay.
397
00:16:30,303 --> 00:16:31,679
Thank you.
398
00:16:31,679 --> 00:16:33,178
[Chad]
Charlotte, you're being crazy!
399
00:16:33,178 --> 00:16:34,512
Oh, my God.
400
00:16:34,512 --> 00:16:36,011
[Charlotte]
Oh, excuse me!
401
00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:37,345
-Are these your parents?
-[argument continues]
402
00:16:37,345 --> 00:16:39,261
Yes, that's my parents.
403
00:16:39,261 --> 00:16:40,845
And then that's
my little brother,
404
00:16:40,845 --> 00:16:42,845
and my cousin,
who also lives with us,
405
00:16:42,845 --> 00:16:45,053
-because their...
-[Charlotte] Bye!
406
00:16:45,053 --> 00:16:46,387
-I just feel-- I--
-Her parents died.
407
00:16:46,387 --> 00:16:49,095
-[Charlotte] Get out!
-Whose parents died?
408
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:51,345
-[Chad] Fuck you, Charlotte!
-My cousin.
409
00:16:51,345 --> 00:16:52,804
Fuck you, Pat!
410
00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,095
I'm sorry.
411
00:16:54,095 --> 00:16:56,303
I am having a really hard time
concentrating.
412
00:16:56,303 --> 00:16:57,887
That's okay.
413
00:16:57,887 --> 00:16:59,553
[Charlotte]
Get the fuck out of my house!
414
00:16:59,553 --> 00:17:02,220
I shouldn't have come tonight.
415
00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:07,428
I feel like I started
something really big.
416
00:17:07,428 --> 00:17:08,970
Maybe you did.
417
00:17:08,970 --> 00:17:10,345
I did?
418
00:17:10,345 --> 00:17:12,387
[laughs]
419
00:17:12,387 --> 00:17:14,387
Maybe you did.
420
00:17:14,387 --> 00:17:16,637
[laughing]
421
00:17:21,053 --> 00:17:23,220
[screams]
422
00:17:24,553 --> 00:17:25,929
It's fine.
423
00:17:25,929 --> 00:17:27,220
It's not fine.
424
00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:28,553
This is my nightmare.
425
00:17:28,553 --> 00:17:30,553
No. No.
You're going to be okay.
426
00:17:30,553 --> 00:17:32,637
I'm an auxiliary EMT.
427
00:17:41,178 --> 00:17:43,553
Do you think maybe you should
have some water?
428
00:17:43,553 --> 00:17:45,595
-No. I have Miller Lite.
-Oh.
429
00:17:45,595 --> 00:17:47,261
It's mostly water.
430
00:17:47,261 --> 00:17:49,011
[laughs]
Yeah.
431
00:17:49,011 --> 00:17:52,428
Well, again, I'm so sorry.
432
00:17:52,428 --> 00:17:55,011
You know, you don't have
to be sorry. We're good.
433
00:17:55,011 --> 00:17:57,470
-No, I do feel terrible.
-I just--
434
00:17:57,470 --> 00:18:00,929
it's so weird to meet you
in real life and be with you.
435
00:18:02,512 --> 00:18:04,762
Your character, like, Pat,
436
00:18:04,762 --> 00:18:06,512
was just part of my life
for so long
437
00:18:06,512 --> 00:18:08,762
in a pretty bad way,
so it's just--
438
00:18:08,762 --> 00:18:10,929
-Oh, God.
-Look...
439
00:18:10,929 --> 00:18:12,845
-People suck, right?
-Yeah.
440
00:18:12,845 --> 00:18:15,220
They do. I'm so sorry.
441
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:17,053
-I'm fine with it.
-I'm not fine with it.
442
00:18:17,053 --> 00:18:18,637
I feel terrible.
443
00:18:18,637 --> 00:18:19,804
-I didn't mean it to be mean.
-I know.
444
00:18:19,804 --> 00:18:21,762
I think I was really naive.
445
00:18:21,762 --> 00:18:24,720
I think it was--
but now I'm like, ugh.
446
00:18:26,261 --> 00:18:27,720
Don't you mean...
447
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:30,053
[groans]
448
00:18:30,053 --> 00:18:32,011
I think you mean...
[groans]
449
00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:33,720
[laughs]
Oh, man!
450
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:35,845
Oh, no.
451
00:18:35,845 --> 00:18:37,637
-[whimpers]
-Oh, no.
452
00:18:37,637 --> 00:18:39,011
It's more...
453
00:18:39,011 --> 00:18:41,095
[coughs and hacks]
454
00:18:42,428 --> 00:18:44,053
[laughs]
Oh, God, that's so bad.
455
00:18:44,053 --> 00:18:45,428
That's horrible.
456
00:18:45,428 --> 00:18:47,637
[groaning]
457
00:18:47,637 --> 00:18:48,929
Oh, God.
458
00:18:48,929 --> 00:18:50,553
That's what it is.
459
00:18:50,553 --> 00:18:51,804
[laughs]
460
00:18:51,804 --> 00:18:53,387
[Julia]
So I gave you my number.
461
00:18:53,387 --> 00:18:55,637
I would really love
to make you dinner.
462
00:18:55,637 --> 00:18:58,011
I really, really--I mean it.
463
00:18:58,011 --> 00:19:00,512
I can't even believe it.
I will definitely...
464
00:19:00,512 --> 00:19:02,387
maybe we, I don't know.
465
00:19:02,387 --> 00:19:04,929
Well, I just want to say that
good luck to you.
466
00:19:04,929 --> 00:19:07,845
I have a very, very good feeling
about the two of you.
467
00:19:07,845 --> 00:19:09,220
-Oh, okay--
-I don't want to jinx it.
468
00:19:09,220 --> 00:19:11,053
-Okay.
-But I do.
469
00:19:11,053 --> 00:19:13,095
I have a very,
very good feeling about it.
470
00:19:13,095 --> 00:19:14,929
Don't jinx it, Sweeney.
471
00:19:14,929 --> 00:19:16,762
Well, I--yeah.
That's--
472
00:19:16,762 --> 00:19:19,053
it was good to meet you,
though.
473
00:19:19,053 --> 00:19:20,679
So can I offer you a ride?
474
00:19:20,679 --> 00:19:22,178
-Oh.
-No.
475
00:19:22,178 --> 00:19:24,011
I think we're going
to walk.
476
00:19:24,011 --> 00:19:26,136
-Oh, okay.
-We're going to walk.
477
00:19:26,136 --> 00:19:28,220
Well, that's good, because
I actually don't have a car.
478
00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:30,595
-[laughs] Oh!
-But my Lyft is here.
479
00:19:30,595 --> 00:19:32,679
-Okay, all right.
-[Abby] Okay, it was so nice.
480
00:19:32,679 --> 00:19:34,637
-Bye-bye.
-Bye!
481
00:19:34,637 --> 00:19:36,178
[mouthing]
482
00:19:36,178 --> 00:19:37,512
She was so nice.
483
00:19:37,512 --> 00:19:38,720
[chuckles]
I know.
484
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,136
I feel a little guilty
485
00:19:40,136 --> 00:19:42,387
that I despised her
for 25 years.
486
00:19:42,387 --> 00:19:44,345
That is longer
than I have been alive.
487
00:19:44,345 --> 00:19:45,762
All right.
488
00:19:45,762 --> 00:19:47,345
-[snickers]
-That's just rude.
489
00:19:47,345 --> 00:19:50,345
Thanks for walking me home.
It's really far.
490
00:19:50,345 --> 00:19:51,845
I appreciate it.
491
00:19:51,845 --> 00:19:54,345
No, it is my honor
to take you home.
492
00:19:54,345 --> 00:19:56,053
Well, thank you, sir.
493
00:19:56,053 --> 00:19:57,887
[both laugh]
494
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,220
[laughs]
Oh.
495
00:20:01,220 --> 00:20:03,136
This is actually me, so...
496
00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:04,512
I had a really great time
tonight.
497
00:20:04,512 --> 00:20:07,261
I had so much fun.
Thanks.
498
00:20:07,261 --> 00:20:09,720
Could I come up
to use the bathroom?
499
00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:14,553
Yeah.
500
00:20:14,553 --> 00:20:16,261
I'm going to need
five minutes.
501
00:20:16,261 --> 00:20:17,970
-You don't have--
-I'm gonna buzz you up.
502
00:20:17,970 --> 00:20:19,345
-I'll buzz you up.
-Oh, okay.
503
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:21,804
[door closes]
504
00:20:27,804 --> 00:20:28,720
[quietly] Fuck!
505
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:31,220
Oh, mother...
506
00:20:42,970 --> 00:20:44,512
Julia fucking Sweeney.
507
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:47,804
[door buzzes]
508
00:20:47,804 --> 00:20:49,178
-Hi.
-Hi.
509
00:20:49,178 --> 00:20:50,595
Hi.
510
00:20:52,261 --> 00:20:54,220
So the bathroom is right there
on your left.
511
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:55,929
You know, I...
512
00:20:55,929 --> 00:20:58,595
I actually don't need
to use the bathroom anymore.
513
00:20:58,595 --> 00:21:00,095
Oh, okay.
514
00:21:01,345 --> 00:21:03,095
Let me get you water
or a beer.
515
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:05,762
I have tequila.
I prefer vodka.
516
00:21:07,303 --> 00:21:10,804
That couch, actually,
was my dead mother's.
517
00:21:10,804 --> 00:21:12,637
And then there's
a picture up there
518
00:21:12,637 --> 00:21:14,470
that I think you'll really like.
519
00:21:14,470 --> 00:21:17,220
It was when I went to Washington
before hell started.
520
00:21:17,220 --> 00:21:19,553
And then over here
I had water...
521
00:21:19,553 --> 00:21:21,720
I've lived here
for a long time.
522
00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:24,887
And I wonder--I'm sure I've met
a lot of people in the Mafia.
523
00:21:24,887 --> 00:21:26,428
You're not supposed
to say that out loud,
524
00:21:26,428 --> 00:21:27,804
but I just did.
525
00:21:27,804 --> 00:21:29,428
Don't tell anybody.
526
00:21:42,970 --> 00:21:44,470
You taste like almonds.
527
00:21:44,470 --> 00:21:45,512
Yeah.
528
00:21:47,178 --> 00:21:48,929
Did you just eat
one of those almonds?
529
00:21:51,387 --> 00:21:53,679
-Yeah. Is that a problem?
-No, um...
530
00:21:54,970 --> 00:21:56,261
It's only that every almond
531
00:21:56,261 --> 00:21:58,136
is a day of my life,
so...
532
00:21:59,637 --> 00:22:01,470
you just ate
a day of my life.
533
00:22:03,387 --> 00:22:05,679
You're gonna have
to explain that to me.
534
00:22:06,804 --> 00:22:08,595
[sighs]
535
00:22:08,595 --> 00:22:10,720
I really--
I don't think I can.
536
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,136
So...
537
00:22:20,178 --> 00:22:21,345
Try me.
538
00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:27,970
Okay.
539
00:22:29,053 --> 00:22:31,387
There is a bitch
at work,
540
00:22:31,387 --> 00:22:33,595
and she knows I struggle
with my weight.
541
00:22:33,595 --> 00:22:36,261
And she went to Costco
and came to work
542
00:22:36,261 --> 00:22:38,011
with this big fucking jug
of almonds.
543
00:22:38,011 --> 00:22:39,887
And there was no subtext,
right?
544
00:22:39,887 --> 00:22:42,387
So I was like, "You know what?
I'm going to give myself..."
545
00:22:42,387 --> 00:22:46,970
["Song for Zula"
by Phosphorescent plays]
37390
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