Original subtitles

- Doctor. - Right here, Peter.

I've been waiting. It's going to be okay.

What kind of okay? Will I see well enough to draw?

We should know in a few days.

Oh, that kind of okay.

Operating on the eye is not as simple as slicing an apple.

Mm-hm, there's a cartoon in there somewhere.

Why don't you let me tell your wife where you are?

You sure you can hear me clearly?

Perfectly.

Then go to hell.

I'm gonna give you a shot to put you under for a while.

Now turn over.

Sometimes I wonder how I got into this mess.

Once upon a time, I was alone and friendless

and wifeless and childless and dogless.

A terrible state in which I could do exactly as I wished.

I never had to pick anything up for days, sometimes weeks.

And in addition to this almost perfect existence,

which made me the envy of all my married friends,

there was no one to tell me it was time for me to get up

and put the coffee on because I loved her.

It's time to get up, put the coffee on because you love me.

Well, maybe in your home, but not in mine.

I was free.

When I got up in the morning,

I could wear whatever color shirt appealed to me.

If there was one left.

Fortunately, being foresighted... Good morning, dear.

...I always managed to keep a few spares.

Uh... Oh, occasionally I would succumb to animal hungers.

Sometimes with fairly large animals.

But there were never any complications.

No tears, no goodbyes, just ships that pass in the night.

Until one day, six months ago, my life was a model of organization.

Every moment perfectly planned.

Uh, "Attend cocktail party launching new book, June 16, Plaza Hotel."

June 16 was two days ago.

Oh, that's last year's calendar, it's today.

Ha, ha, you see how simple this system was.

"See my doctor, June 6...

See eye doctor June 16, 10 a.m."

It's 30 minutes ago, rehearsal. I was down to line six.

"E-D-F-C-Z-P." Edfczp.

Seven. "F-E-L-O-P-Z-D." Felopzd.

Edfczp. Felopzd.

Oh, heh, they've gotta get up early in the morning.

- Now read the next line. - E-D-F-C-Z-P.

Now read the next line.

F... What was it? F-E-L-O-P...

How do you spell "felopzd" with a Z or an S?

Neither, I changed the chart since your last visit.

- That's unethical. - Perhaps it is.

The vision in the eye that you injured as a child is practically nil.

I know that.

Now, I want you to lean forward

and rest your chin on this.

That's good. Now focus your eye on the red dot.

On the red... Huh.

There are evidences of sympathetic ophthalmia

in your good eye.

In all probability if the injured eye had been removed

after your childhood accident, the left eye would not now be in danger.

Why wasn't this done?

There was a kind of feeling against pirates in Columbus, Ohio, at the time.

- You're a humorist, I hear. - There's been a rumor to that effect.

I have a feeling you're not taking my diagnosis seriously.

Oh, people have been telling me what to do about my eyes for years.

I've been told to rub my spine with a billiard ball

and swallow scrapings from church bells

and become emotionally involved with an Apache princess.

None of that'll work, huh?

Yeah, and that'll be $30, I suppose?

No, much more. I'm going to put a drop into your eye.

Oh, goodie.

So you did.

Now extend your left arm and focus your eye on the tip of your index finger.

I'm going to put the tonometer on your eye.

There are indications of secondary glaucoma in your good eye.

I see.

I wish you had come to see me sooner.

Ahh, I wanted to try the Apache princess first.

Step over here.

Mm-hm.

There's a strong possibility

that eventually there'll have to be an operation.

I don't mean to pry, but will an operation work?

There's no way to predict.

And without an operation?

Your sense of the theatrical is positively nauseating.

I just wanted to make certain that you got the point.

I did.

Now, just wait out here until the drops wear off.

Uh-huh.

- What do you think you're doing? - I don't know. What did I have?

Well, something in the area of my breast area.

- Oh. - Can't you see a thing?

Can you?

Not very much, really. Are you dilated? That's what I am.

I am dilated.

I'm trying to figure out if that's an indecent proposition.

What good would it do? Couldn't even find the couch.

Do you have a match?

Hold it.

Here it is.

Thank you.

It's clearly out.

Right, ah, thank you.

- Smog. - What?

I'm allergic to smog. What's wrong with your eyes?

Social disease.

- I was trying to be sympathetic. - Don't.

Why are all men mean, nasty and all-knowing?

I can't speak for all men.

As for myself, I hate women who offer unsolicited sympathy.

Dogs who lick your hand only after dinner and children in general.

There are enough real problems in this world for you to hate.

Like the war, the bomb, Congress, garbage, ecology, the Establishment.

I also hate people who use words like "Establishment" and "ecology."

- Oh, hell, one of those. - And also "one of those."

You're so dammed smart. Do you have one sensible solution?

Yes. Oh, yes, I agree with the lemmings.

- Lemming? - Lemmings, little creatures like mice.

I once wrote a story about a scientist who had a conversation with one.

Uh-oh, a writer.

"You seem a reasonable creature," he said to the lemming.

"The one thing I don't understand is why all you lemmings

rush down to the sea and drown yourselves."

"That's curious," said the lemming,

"The one thing I don't understand is why you human beings don't."

I also cannot abide females who overdo everything.

Including hilarity.

Mrs. Kozlenko?

Mm-hm.

- I have your prescription. - Thank you, heh.

- Who was that terrible man? - Oh, that's Peter Wilson.

Oh, Peter Wilson.

He draws those awful looking cartoons of women, children and dogs.

- Hates the whole world. - So he told me.

I have a feeling he's gonna start loving it now.

Oh.

I believe he's going blind.

We are now at a literary tea, a slave market

frequented by my agent, Howard Mann.

This is where writers are prodded, examined, bought and sold.

You can find everything at a literary tea except tea or literacy.

I don't go to the Mayo Clinic anymore, they all have cold hands.

She's from the Book of the Month Club. Conservative organization.

Everything he knows about sex is his mother's fault.

Author of Kiss Me, Kill Me, Buy Me, Love Me, I think that's the title.

Or possibly it's, uh, Buy Me, Take Me, Cut Me, Burn Me.

I don't know, but at any rate, you get the idea, it's a romantic novel, heh.

There's nothing wrong with paranoia if you don't take it seriously.

Time's come for me to take my leave.

Nothing Henry Miller has to say is of the slightest interest to me.

- Peter? Peter? - Oh, yeah, hi, Howard.

- Goodbye. - I've been looking for you.

I want you to meet some people.

I don't go to these parties so that my authors can go home.

All these people are here to buy books, enchant them.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure

to introduce to you the most paranoid sense of humor in the world today,

- Peter Wilson. - Nice to have met you.

Uh, his new book, The War Between Men and Women,

designed to destroy the American family with a smile,

is the most detestably anti-child,

anti-dog, anti-female publication in history.

- Stock up for next Mother's Day. - Nice to have met you.

Uh, Peter, Mr. Bernheimer of Doubleday.

Mrs. Schenker of the Literary Society.

And this is Harold Marcus,

the author of Stab Me, Stir Me, Stun Me, Want Me.

I knew it was something like that. Heh, nice to have met you.

Why don't you tell us a little bit about how you work, Peter?

Uh, how you get your inspiration and where that hidden well is

and all that stuff.

I never drew a man I didn't like.

Now, what in the world does that mean?

Very little. Nice to have met you.

Frankly, I don't understand your cartoons at all.

Uh, for example, this one.

"That's my first wife up there and this is the present Mrs. Harris."

- Mm-hm. - It doesn't make any sense at all.

What's that woman doing up there on the bookcase?

It didn't start out as a bookcase, it started out as a staircase.

But I just don't draw staircases very well.

Well, you don't draw bookcases very well, either.

You've noticed that too?

Is that woman up there alive or dead?

I asked my doctor about that, he said if she were dead

she couldn't support herself on all fours.

My taxidermist said you can't stuff a woman, so I guess she must be alive.

Oh.

Nice to have met you.

I knew she was here the minute I heard her laugh.

Only I couldn't tell which one she was. I've never really seen her.

Pete, you old bastard, how in the hell are you, huh?

- Fine, fine. Thank you. - Great.

Oh, damn.

- Pig. - Hmm.

...An anthology...

Burrows, of course, is not...

- Uh, you'll excuse me? - Sure.

One minute.

- Mr. Wilson? - Oh, that voice sounds familiar.

Would you be the chest area that I grabbed this morning?

Yes.

- Uh, can you see through those? - Well, that depends.

- Are you alone? - Yes.

- Are you drunk? - I hope so, heh.

Uh, I work for Doubleday.

Are you in any condition to talk about your new book?

- The best possible condition. - I think it's an interesting book.

- Mm-hm. - Um,

but, uh, I'm curious why do you draw your women like that?

- Oh, I draw them the way I see them. - But not all women look like that.

You know, sexless, shapeless, overbearing.

Yes, I bet you look like that.

- Heh, only to a fifth-rate artist. - Third rate.

You're also getting very obvious.

Oh, about what?

I recognize the mating dance when I see it.

Come on, Mr. Wilson,

you know the venom in your drawings is only a pose.

A pose? I hate women even when I'm on vacation.

Well, then why is this, uh, man on your cover bringing the woman a flower?

It's fiction.

Forgive me for taking your time, Mr. Wilson, all I can say is

no man with a normal sex drive could draw a woman like that.

Sore loser.

- Well, did you sell her? - Scratch Doubleday.

- What? - Howard, tell me,

this is very important.

- Do you find me attractive? - No.

And I don't find you attractive either, do I?

- Of course not. - Well, I knew she was wrong.

Son of a bitch!

Mr. Wilson, wait!

Mr. Wilson!

You could get killed. Let me help you.

- I was doing just fine. - Do you want me to help you home?

The last thing I need is a Seeing Eye woman.

- Oh, God. - Oh, I tried to walk between the poles.

- You're bleeding. - Ah.

Listen, my apartment's just down the block. Let me take you there.

- Sight of blood always excites them. - Come on.

- You all right? - It still works, heh.

- You're wearing perfume, aren't you? - Mm-hm, I always wear perfume.

Mother. I'm so glad you're home. It's David. He's sick.

- What wrong? - In the bathroom. He ate some pills.

Oh, my God.

Come on, David.

- What did he swallow? - Some of your pills.

- Aspirin? - Estrogen.

Jesus Christ.

Put your finger down your throat, David.

- Well, what is estrogen for? - Birth control.

- I don't want to... - Jesus Christ.

- I'm gonna throw up. - Oh, please, David, come on.

- All right, come on, David. - I'll call the doctor.

I changed my mind.

Oh, David, you had better throw up or you'll never have any children.

- You got any aspirin in this house? - No, he ate those last week.

- Come on, David. - David, please.

- David, you'll feel much better. - David. David.

Are you sure there's no danger, doctor?

I mean, he won't lose his virility or anything? Six.

- I don't think that's very funny. - He won't do it. He's too stubborn.

I'll be right there.

Yes, I realize you're trying to put me at ease. Thank you, doctor.

Mom, what do we do with him? He wouldn't.

Doctor says he'll be all right. Put him on my bed.

- How many pills did he eat? - I don't know. He finished the box.

- How many did you leave? - It's been so long, I've forgotten.

Oh, Mr. Wilson, my daughters, Linda, Caroline.

- How do you do? - How long has it been?

Linda, would you go to the refrigerator and get some ginger ale, please?

- Caroline, get his pajamas. - But...

Out.

How long has it been?

Will you please wait in the other room?

Sorry.

You're gonna live.

What the...? I didn't know it was occupied.

Is this all right?

I'm sorry.

That's my father. He's in Africa photographing a war.

He's wonderful and we miss him very much.

Even if mother did divorce him.

Well, I'm not gonna take sides. I'm just passing through.

It's been nice talking to you. Bye.

Goodbye.

He's asleep already. He thrives on the strangest diet.

- Is Mr. Wilson all right? - He's not bad.

I mean, I've practically ignored him, poor man.

Broke his glasses, probably his nose. I may have to see him home.

- Let go of that! - Stop, stop!

- Stop it! Stop that! - Let go!

- Evelyn, come here. - Stop it, that dog is pregnant!

It couldn't have been love, she must have been raped.

It's been a pleasure. Good night.

- Do you feel well enough to go home? - No.

But I'm in no condition to stay here. Goodbye. Thank you very, very much.

- For what? - The inspiration

for a half a dozen cartoons.

Good dog.

Good dog, indeed.

One thing I did not need in my life was a woman

with one snarling hound and three snarling children.

It was unlikely she'd choose between us, so I put them all out of my mind.

Until she sent me a flower.

- Are you Mrs. Kozlenko? - Yes.

Well, some nut wanted us to deliver this to you.

Well, maybe I sent one to her, it really isn't important.

The result: Dinner at my place.

Somehow I knew she'd come alone.

- Where are the children? - I killed them.

All three kids?

Wasn't easy, but I did it, darling.

For you, for you. It's all for you.

Dom Perignon '61?

My sweet... Ow!

Oh, sorry, thorns.

What about the dog?

I didn't have to do a thing, she choked on her doggie ration.

Did you ever have one of those days when everything seemed to go right?

- Ever? - Feeling one of those days right now.

I'm so warm.

And you are such an exquisite beast.

Oh, my God.

It can't be 8:00 already.

Coming.

Coming. Come in.

- Am I too early? - No, no, not at all. Come right on in.

The place always looks like this.

- It was for tonight, wasn't it? - Yes, yes, certainly, yeah.

- Where are you taking me? - Oh, I'm sorry.

Come on down here and, uh, make yourself comfortable.

I got a little wine for us, if I can find it.

Ah.

What's the matter with you, uh, aren't you happy to see me?

Well, that all depends. Do you have a dagger with you, heh?

No, should I?

I bet she isn't gonna take her clothes off either.

Uh, it's the telephone. Hang on, I got it, I got it.

I'm sorry, who?

Your mother?

- Is that for me? - Are there any other mothers in there?

Hello? What? Caroline? I can't hear you.

- You gave my number to your kids? - In case of an emergency.

What did you think was gonna happen?

- Exactly what happened. - Oh.

Uh, yes, dear. I'm all right.

- What time, 4 a.m.? - Oh, my God.

Well, we just got to talking and time just flew.

I know she doesn't buy me.

Doesn't sound convincing to me, either.

Yes, I'm all right.

Now go back to sleep and I'll be right home. Goodbye.

Where are the rest of my things?

To the best of my recollection, under the piano,

- Oh, God. - on the chair behind the couch.

I'll never explain this to the children.

Well, do you have to explain everything to the children?

Your taste runs to the prehistoric.

My mother was visiting.

I do her laundry.

I want you to know I've never done anything like this before.

I want you to know I have.

- Can I tell you something honestly? - What?

I enjoyed it.

Before I got sick to my stomach on the 98-cent wine,

I enjoyed it very much.

I'll be honest with you too, so did I.

But please remember, I'm a mother and we can't continue this way.

So unless you honestly think we can be serious about each other,

the kindest thing you could do is to show me to the door forever.

Oh, wait, heh. I just...

Well, wouldn't you?

You're getting in over your head. These pictures are pure pornography.

Don't be ridiculous, I don't draw well enough for pornography.

Yeah, you're beginning to.

I used to laugh at your drawings, now I get excited.

Your women shouldn't have blood and they certainly shouldn't have breasts.

- Why not? - Go back to your own territory.

You know, pure unadulterated acid.

And women who look like old luggage, that's what sells.

Some women don't look like old luggage.

They're round and they're pretty.

Yeah, well, then you photograph them naked, you don't bother drawing.

I am worried about you. All the poison's gone from your soul.

I have not been able to sell one of your drawings in a month.

I wanted to speak to you about that.

And what happened to the new book, huh? It should be ready by now.

I haven't been able to keep my mind on it.

Well, remember, it's all right for you to starve, it's good for the creative juices.

But I cannot sell on an empty stomach.

You gonna leave me alone? Where you going?

Out to a dirty movie. You've turned me on.

Hey, what is this?

What do you think you're doing? What...?

Now, listen, you can't make a personal issue out of this.

That's very unprofessional.

Battle Album. Who is Stephen Kozlenko?

My ex-husband.

Oh.

Photographed your marriage, did he, huh? All of it?

His pictures at least attack worthwhile targets, not dogs, women and children.

It's amazing what you can do with an Instamatic.

Why remove my book for this?

Your book is going where it belongs, on the bargain shelf.

- This one deserves a boost. - Why?

Because Steven is one of our great photographic essayists.

And besides, he's late on his alimony. Now, what can I do for you?

Uh... I've been thinking about us, seriously.

I've missed you.

Push my book, I'll take you to the opera.

What are you spraying in your mouth? Kissable?

Ha, ha. Hi there, sunshine. Is your mother ready for the opera?

Because I'm afraid that we're running a little late.

- What...? And what's going...? - Oh, Peter. Oh, this is awful.

I'm afraid we won't be able to make the opera.

- Evelyn decided to have puppies. - Three of them.

Boom, boom, boom.

I wish I could do that.

Should of thought of that before you ate those pills, heh.

- Am I wearing my curlers? - I hope so. I hate to think that's you.

God.

- Mom? - Yes, dear?

You don't have to go out.

That's true. That's true. Why don't we spend a quiet evening here?

- How? - That's true too.

Yeah, heh.

- Is this doll for me? - Yes.

Marvelous. I haven't had a doll for years.

Oh, sweetie, that's not nice. Say thank you to Mr...

- Oh, that's... - What is your last name?

- Wilson. - Right.

I mean, I knew it was something like that. That's, uh...

Well, I better get cleaned up before I louse things up completely.

She's having another one, boom, boom, boom.

- Who was the father? - We don't know his last name either.

Listen, uh, are you sure it's all right for her to be out?

Thirty minutes ago, she had quadruplets.

Oh, you know modern medicine.

Get the mothers back on their feet before they get used to luxury.

- Well, I, uh... - Excuse me.

Uh, are you, uh, seeing better or worse since your visit to Dr. Harris?

Look, uh, stop worrying.

I'm perfectly able to fend for myself under any...

I'm lying, I've been fending very badly ever since the other night.

Me too.

I didn't wanna go to the opera, I hate it.

- Oh, I hate it too. All that yelling and... - I'm gonna propose.

My darling, my God, I...

I'm gonna propose that we sleep together on a regular basis.

We want each other, we need each other, and we're old enough

to know exactly what we're doing and... So we could meet at my place

when the spirit moves us without making stupid excuses.

Just two honest human beings, honestly enjoying each other.

No strings, no false promises.

- That's a proposal? - Just think it over.

I've thought it over.

Terry, wait, wait. Terry, wait, wait.

I don't... Look, I don't know how to do these things.

- Other guys do it all the time. - Not with me.

Look, please.

- I'm lonesome without you. - Oh.

But then I think about having a woman and children

and dogs around me all the time and, uh, lonesome seems attractive.

Now you've got me laughing, but I made up my mind to cry.

You are so terrible that I'm actually feeling sorry for you.

My God, we're in the middle of the street.

Let's get out of here.

Evelyn, Evelyn. Peter, she's having another puppy.

Oh, boy. Oh, God. Are you all right?

Evelyn, let's go.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I'm sorry, officer. She's in labor.

Well, don't leave her lying here in the middle of traffic.

Pull her over to the gutter.

And take that damn dog with you too.

All right, move it along!

Peter, keep the puppy warm.

Get him off the pavement. Hide him in your clothes.

Wait a minute, I lost my glasses.

Never mind your glasses, just...

Hold on to the baby.

Shh, the children are asleep.

I'm sorry to say, your pants are torn.

Yeah, well, it was a difficult delivery.

Give him to me.

Oh.

There you go.

Oh.

You can't go home like this. You're a mess.

Oh.

Why don't you take a shower and get cleaned up? This way.

- And I'll sew up your pants. - You want me to take off my pants?

Peter, there's nothing more pathetic than a near-sighted sex maniac.

Except a middle-aged one.

Whistle so I'll know where you are.

- There you are. - Heh.

This was an absolutely ridiculous situation.

Most of life, I've found, consists of ridiculous situations.

The most ridiculous thing about it is that I'm in love with you.

Aw.

Will you give me a light? Please. Thank you.

I suppose it's foolish to be medieval about it,

but how am I gonna explain to the children

that their mother is having an affair?

- What, what, what? - My God!

Are you all right? I couldn't see. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Are you all right?

- No, just scared. - Mom, are you...?

- Mr. Williams. - Wilson, for God's sake.

What happened, Mommy?

Well, David, an amusing thing happened.

Uh, well, first of all, uh, ah, Evelyn had another puppy.

- Yep. - Then, uh, Mr. Wilson's clothes

- were so torn that... - You dropped your towel.

Oh.

It was decided that I would be the one to explain things to the children.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid. I don't wanna go down the slide.

Nothing to it.

- Then why don't you do it? - Because I got troubles of my own.

Bon voyage. Goodbye.

Uh, Caroline. Oh, excuse me. Wait a minute. Caroline.

- I don't think I'm doing anything... - Caroline. Excuse me, um...

Um, there's something I'd like to talk to you about, huh?

- Right now? Can't it wait? - Yeah, sure it can wait. Excuse me.

Come on over here where we can talk.

- How old are you now? - Twelve.

Twelve? Gee, that's practically grown-up.

I was reading about a little 12-year-old South American girl

- had a baby of her own. - She should have been more careful.

Well, I guess we can skip the birds and the bees.

Caroline says that you're sleeping with our mother.

You don't beat around the bush, do you?

Are you?

Well, uh, you might, uh...

...almost say... Well, no, you damn well better say it.

Do you love her?

Yes.

You gonna marry her?

Well, I haven't made any promises to her.

I can't make any to you, either.

- Can we tell our friends? - Tell your friends?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- Tell your friends what? - About you and mother.

They always ask.

They're not starting to write things on the sidewalk, are they?

No.

Some of them say you're too old for anything, anyway.

Sorry if I embarrassed you.

I think it's time we took the children home.

Good idea.

Um, Caroline, there's something I'd like to discuss with you like two adults.

Look, Mr. Wilson, what you and mother do is your own business.

You don't have to try and play father too.

- It's not necessary. - Well, what the...?

Mommy, Mommy, look, I bought me a balloon.

- Terrific. - Yeah, and look at it, it's pretty.

- Oh, wonderful. Hi, girls. - Hi.

- What did you tell them? - No, they told me.

Look, against my instincts, against all my better judgment,

I'm gonna say something I may regret for the rest of my life.

- I love you, Mrs. Kozlenko. - Shh.

What you mean, shh! Why not? Everybody might as well hear it.

They know it all ready, anyway. I love you, Mrs. Kozlenko.

- I want you to marry me. - Oh, Peter, you don't have to say that.

I'm not just saying it, I mean it.

I'm trying to prove to these underage cynics

that they're wrong about me and you're not.

In case you're interested, even at our age, we still can.

Mr. Wilson? Mr. Wilson?

- Mr. Wilson? - Hmm, yeah. Who is it?

Mrs. Hayworth, your day nurse.

Your wife is on the phone.

- Tell her I'm not in. - That isn't very considerate.

She sounded very worried.

Peter. Peter.

Peter.

Oh, the hell with it.

Steven.

Steven.

I suppose you've forgotten who Steven Kozlenko is.

That's him and his Instamatic.

We, me and Terry, had decided we would marry

and spend the summer at the beach cottage

she had rested from Steven in the divorce settlement.

The wedding was held in the garden. Not exactly of Eden.

Oops.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God

and in the face of this company

to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

- Here we go. - That's right. Thank you.

If any man can show just cause

why they may not lawfully be joined together,

let him now speak or else hereafter and forever hold his peace.

I require and charge you both that if either of you know any impediment

why ye may not lawfully be joined together...

- Daddy, Daddy. - Daddy, Daddy.

...now confess it or else hereafter and forever hold your peace.

- Peter Edward Wilson, - Huh?

do you take this woman to thy lawful wedded wife?

To love, honor and keep her in sickness and in health

- as long as ye both shall live? - I do.

Theresa Alice Kozlenko,

do you take this man to thy lawful wedded husband

to love and keep him in sickness and in health and forsaking all others,

keep thee only unto him so long as you both shall live?

She does.

- Well, do you? - Do I what?

Oh, yes, of course. I do. I do. I do.

Place the ring upon her finger and repeat after me.

- With this ring, I thee wed. - With this ring, I thee wed.

Those whom God hath joined together, let no man put asunder.

I pronounce that you are now man and wife.

It's raining, ha, ha.

David, get inside, you're getting soaked.

I don't wanna go in. I like it. I like it.

- Congratulations. - Oh, thanks.

- Do you mind if I kiss the bride? - Well, I...

Well, Steven, it was nice...

- Unh! You... - It's raining.

- You two haven't met, have you? - No, we haven't.

This is Steven Kozlenko, my husband. I mean, was Steven Kozlenko.

He still is Steven Kozlenko but he was my husband.

- You're my husband now. - Hold that thought.

- Yes. - Heh.

Why don't we go inside? It's raining.

- Oh, yeah, come on, kid, let's go. - Good idea!

Go, heh.

Here's your...

But I was... I was just gonna do that.

After the honeymoon, it only took me four or five days

to persuade Steven to get out of our lives

and go back to New York.

I was pleased to see how happily the children were looking forward

- to my career as their father. - Daddy!

Oh, oh, hey, hey!

And in the days that followed, married life settled down

to being everything I always imagined it would be.

- Darling. Darling. - Yeah. Yeah?

I really hate to ask you, but will you go downstairs and put on the coffee?

- Why? - Because you love me.

See?

I'm gonna put some on for you too.

- David, what are you doing there? - I'm scared.

- Of what? - Of everything.

Welcome to the club.

- What is it? - May I brush my teeth?

- I have to get to work. - Of course, darling, it's all yours.

- Watch out for the clothesline. - I'll try.

Excuse me.

I thought you kids had your own bathroom.

The water pipe is broken.

Has anybody seen my stockings, they were right here on the sink.

Yeah, I put them on the, uh...

They weren't done soaking yet. You could ruin them.

Well, I have to brush my teeth, honey.

What did you need the sink for? Couldn't you put them in a glass?

The terrible thing about children is they mean it.

David, I thought I sent you back to bed.

Everybody's in the bathroom. I'm afraid to be alone.

Oh.

Listen, David, if you never remember anything else

I ever told you, remember this: Loneliness is a gift from heaven.

- David, Peter, please hurry up. - We're coming. We're coming.

Somebody can have my breakfast, I never eat breakfast.

- I just have black coffee. - We always eat a big breakfast.

- Doesn't everybody? - Yeah, well, that's fine.

I mean, that's perfectly fine.

You should eat what you've always been eating.

I just have black coffee so I'll just keep on having just black coffee.

- You said that. - Thank you.

Is my father gonna be allowed to come to my birthday party?

Well, of course he is, dear, isn't he?

Yeah, I didn't come into this family to separate you from anyone.

I mean, I just think we should all be comfortable.

Do exactly as we please.

That's Bernie.

Doesn't he have a last name?

- We haven't gotten to that. - Hmm.

We're still on a first-name basis. I'll be back for lunch.

So will Bernie, I'll bet.

Caroline, you know I don't like that boy.

Mom, you don't even know him.

And anyway, Mr. Wilson said we could do exactly as we pleased.

That's right. You did say that, didn't you?

I wish you'd talk to her about him.

- Well, isn't that Steven's job? - No, dear, not anymore.

- David, eat your breakfast. - It doesn't exactly please me.

- Why not? - Eggs have pollution.

I heard it on TV and I think they said something about waffles too.

Polluted waffles?

Well, you eat your breakfast or you don't get anything to eat all day.

- Could I just...? - I'm scared to eat it. Do I have to?

Come on, sport, if we're gonna go, let's go together.

All right.

Daddy!

Linda's birthday was a cause for celebration

until Steven came back slithering across the sand.

It was a typical family scene,

sticky with charm and sentiment and just a hint of sexual perversion.

You and me, babe

Friends to the end

- Just you and me - You and me

Close as two monkeys Sitting in a bamboo tree

Bamboo tree

You and me, babe The perfect blending

You and me

You and me

- In a tree - In a tree

- In a tree, you and me, in a tree - In a tree, you and me, in a tree

You and me, babe

- I'll get you a beer. - Coke.

I'm teaching you to grow up, remember?

Close as two monkeys

Sitting in a bamboo tree

Your mother asked me to talk to you about him.

Go ahead.

- Think it'll do any good? - No.

That's what I figured. If your mother asks,

at least you can say that we talked.

You and me, babe Right from the start

It's you and me

In a car, in a bar Or far away

Sweeter than honey From a pair of honey bees

You and me within reach On a beach or a star away

You and me, babe Well, cross my heart

Just you and me

What a pair, you're still there When you are away

You and me

You and me

- I don't wanna go in the water. - Hi.

- Aren't you going in the water? - No.

Well, why not?

It's all polluted. I don't wanna die.

You're not gonna die as long as you can swim.

It's killing the fish and they can swim a lot better than I can.

Just what are you gonna do with your life, huh?

Are you gonna never go in the water, never eat anything again?

Maybe. I might have to hold my breath too.

- You and me - You and me

- Whoo. - Oh.

Mother says you're going away again. Are you?

Well, baby, that's my job. Going away is what I do.

I know.

But I always come back, don't I?

Sure.

I guess you could die from lots of things.

Well, boredom is the worst and having fun is the best.

Not dying at all is even better.

Not if you're gonna spend the rest of your life being scared.

I'm not scared, I'm just careful.

Come on.

Follow me.

- Thattaboy. Nice going. - Put me up on there.

- Huh? - Put me up on there.

No.

- What's the matter? You scared? - No, just careful.

- Please? - Heh, all right.

See once you get used to something new then you're no longer...

David! Hang on!

David, come on.

Okay! I'm coming!

- Darling, love me, love me, love me. - No, please, not here.

I don't even like sand in my spinach.

What the hell are you doing?

I've been giving you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

What did you think I was doing?

Well, what happened?

You were drowning in 2 feet of water when I pulled you out.

- Hey, can't you swim? - Now that I think of it, no.

You two better get in the house and get warm. I'll make some tea.

And thank you, thank you very much.

We better go get cleaned up. We're polluted.

Darling, darling.

- What? What are you...? - Shh, shh.

There's something walking around outside.

You better go downstairs and check.

- What? - Go on. Now. Come on.

- Have you got a gun? - What? Uh, don't be ridiculous.

You probably won't need it anyway.

What do you mean, "probably"?

There were a lot of strange characters on the beach after the party.

David, what are you doing here again?

- I heard a noise. - Huh, shh.

It's all right to sleep in front of your father's door when you hear noises.

Why don't you sleep in front of Steven's door? He's your father.

Then why isn't he sleeping with my mother?

- Give him time. Go on. - Okay.

Drop that gun and don't make a move.

Anything you say, just don't kiss me again.

Peter, what the hell are you doing down here?

I heard you walking around down here.

I wasn't walking around till I heard you walking around.

That's it.

- Watch out. - Shh, shh.

- I got him! I got him! - No, I got him!

- I got him! I got him! - I got him!

What's happening? What's happening?

No, you got me, for God's sake.

Let go of me!

Boys, get up.

Caroline! What are you doing coming home at this hour?

My God, it's Caroline.

If I knew I was gonna cause so much trouble,

I would have stayed out all night. Who locked the window?

Where were you, Caroline?

You missed all the excitement. There was a burglar in here.

David, go, go to sleep. Linda, you too.

- Why can't I listen? It's my birthday. - Not anymore.

- It's almost 4 a.m. - I didn't realize it was so late.

- Where were you? - With Bernie, naturally.

- She was with Bernie? - Naturally.

You know what I've told you about that boy.

Mother, you're not really gonna lecture me on morality, are you?

What does that mean?

Well, you know how it is, you get talking and time just flies.

You got home at 5 a.m.

Told you she wouldn't believe it.

- What's she talking about? - None of your business.

Caroline, go up to bed.

Sure. Caroline, go to bed. That'll solve everything.

- I've had enough of this. - Mother, I'm not blaming you.

You had a right to do what you wanted to do.

- But so have I, haven't I? - We'll talk about it in the morning.

- You and I and your father. - Which one?

You know, it's not all her fault.

She asked me if she could go for a drive with him and I said sure.

I should have expected something like that out of you.

Peter, will you go upstairs and talk to her about this right now?

Not until I can explain what we were doing at 5 a.m.

- Hey, what were you doing? - I don't have to explain it to you.

Oh, I'm not criticizing. After all, Terry and I did the same thing

before we were married, didn't we, Terry?

My God, is nothing sacred to you men?

It was sacred to me, wasn't it sacred to you?

Very sacred.

Steven, I think it would be an excellent idea for you

- to leave this house immediately. - Wait. We were just getting along.

At last we have something in common.

- Yeah. - I'm ashamed of you!

You have no regard for women!

You're setting a terrible example to Caroline.

And you're talking about me as if I were a motel room

the two of you shared for the night!

- Unfortunate choice of a simile. - Yeah, heh.

If you're such a goddamn good writer,

how come Doubleday can't give your book away?

- That's beneath you. - You don't know me!

- You don't know how low I can stoop! - Terry!

What? Shut up, both of you! Shut up!

Male chauvinist pigs!

Come to bed, one of you! Right now!

What did we ever see in her?

I don't know about you, I'm gonna have another drink.

That's the first intelligent remark I've heard in the last 15 minutes.

Has she always had a temper like that?

- Of course she has. - Jesus.

Do you think I like photographing wars?

By the way, I never, uh, mentioned your book before

because I admired it too much.

It's just too damn good to talk about, heh.

Well, I'm not too proud of it.

Good pictures are always of the dead and the wounded.

You know, I like the war in your book better.

You said what we all think about women

- and never have the guts to tell them. - God bless you, sir, heh.

- Here's to telling them. - Yeah.

- Over and over. - And over, and over, and over, heh.

Do you know what women do in Africa?

What?

They wear a bone in their nose and they listen to their men!

And if they don't listen, they have to wear another bone in their nose.

Heh, that's only for two bones in their... Every woman, two.

And then they crawl off, see, to their little thatched huts

and have their damn babies and they crawl right back

and pick cocoa nuts for their husbands.

Excellent. Excellent. Proper division of marital duties.

Do you know what women are doing in this country, huh?

They're plotting to take over the world.

They're sneakily outliving men so that they can inherit everything.

- It's a war, I tell you. - You are absolutely right.

It's all so clear to me now.

Hey.

- What is that you are doing? - Shh, shh.

I'm drawing women as they really are.

- Is that a woman? - Well, what does it look like?

It looks like a horse.

Right. We'll make that a horse

and then we'll draw a woman riding him, it.

- Good luck. - Uh...

Uh, there's a horse. And a disgusting woman riding him.

You know, your horses look as disgusting as your women.

Thank you, heh.

Did you see that? Huh?

- See what? - One of those women moved.

Grab the muskets!

Here they come!

Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes.

- Oh, my goodness. - Duck, huh.

They're everywhere. They're all over the place!

No, you don't.

They're dropping leaflets!

Leaflets, hell, they're bills from Bergdorf's.

My God, have they no mercy? Do something. Do something!

We'll fight them from the beaches, fight them from the shores,

and fight them from the... Ah! My rear!

- Do me a favor! - Yeah?

- Cover me, will you? - I got you.

- I got you, mate, I got you. - Reinforcements.

- What are you doing? - Drawing somebody on our side.

Ah! Your turn. Now it's your turn.

Blend, blend, blend.

You're liquefied! I hope that's blood, blood.

- Well, I got mine. Do something. - I'm drawing as fast as I can.

Uh, well, draw somebody that knows what they're doing in a battle.

For instance?

Try Moshe Dayan.

Good thinking.

They're weakening. Attack.

- Shalom. - Shalom.

Watch out!

Got one. Got two.

Dirty rotten spies. Keep up the good work!

Listen, my children,

and you shall hear the Midnight Ride of Paul Revere.

Peter.

- Peter! - Huh? What?

Aren't you coming up to bed?

Oh, no, you don't. That's how you got me the first time.

What?

Ahem, hello.

Hello.

Just a minute.

It's for you. It's long distance.

- I wonder who it could be. - Not you, it's for your father.

Which one?

Don't start that again. It's for your father.

Wake up! Long distance!

- Yeah, yeah. What? - Cost money.

- Yeah, yeah. Where? Where? - Look up. It costs money.

I got it, I got it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hello, yeah.

Yeah, this is Kozlenko or what's left of him.

All right, what? You'll have to speak louder, I got a bad connection.

I got a bad connection inside my head.

I just... I can't see a thing. Has anybody seen my glasses?

You're wearing them.

Find me a pencil and take this down, will you?

Yeah, my secretary's standing by here.

Yeah, when? This afternoon?

- Oh, my... - Yeah, my passport's okay.

But I, uh, do need a visa for the little guy

that is hammering away at my temples, heh.

Peter, for chrissake, you got a pencil?

I gotta catch a plane someplace, somewhere. Yeah. Yeah, ahem.

Yeah, all right, yeah. All right, go slow, will you?

My assistant, uh, doesn't take shorthand.

Yeah, yeah, Kennedy Airport, Air China, flight 409.

You got that?

I think so.

Sure, sure, I'm ready to leave.

As a matter of fact, I was going to anyway.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

I hope you men are proud of what you did last night.

We don't deserve all the credit. Moshe Dayan turned the tide.

- Who? - Yeah.

Twelve-thirty in the afternoon, you got that?

I think so.

Okay, give me that pad, will you?

Jesus.

You're in worse shape than I am.

Don't worry, I'm gonna take the train into the city with you.

I've got it committed to memory.

Where are you going?

Uh, I have to speak to Howard Mann about the new book.

He's been screaming at me.

You better get cleaned up, unless you're thinking of taking a freight train.

- Yeah, all right. - Yeah, cleaned up. Yeah.

Ugh, here, the stairs are this way.

I'm new here.

Good mornings, Daddy.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Mother, there's dead women all over the walls.

Why would men draw things like that?

It's the only way they can win.

Two tomato juices with the raw egg and here's your Tabasco sauce.

- Thank you. - Will there be anything else, sir?

A short prayer. Excuse me.

- Here's a little salvation for you. - Thank you.

You know, it's not easy leaving them like that.

I can still see their faces.

David, Linda, looking up at me.

Caroline growing up, mature, firm.

Woman. And Terry.

Heh, you know, there's always a little something

between a man and a woman who bore his children.

I know you understand that.

I know you don't begrudge me a few memories

to keep me company in the darkness and heat and loneliness of the jungle.

You're full of crap, Steven.

- I beg your pardon? - You're out and you're glad you're out.

What do you mean?

You've got a daughter who doesn't listen to anybody,

another one who stammers and a son who can only sleep in front of doors.

You've loused up a whole family.

Say, how would you like a belt in the nose?

- I wouldn't. - Heh, damn right.

A father is supposed to stay at home.

He doesn't just breeze through scattering presents

and singing songs like a goddamn wood nymph.

- I think you mean satyr. - That's right.

A wood nymph has breasts. At least the ones I've seen.

And ivy growing out of their hair.

Well, you think I don't know why you came back?

Because when you found out that Terry was marrying somebody else,

it turned you on.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, it did, actually.

Penn Station. Pennsylvania Station.

You're just not cut out for this kind of life, Steven.

Go back and forth to an office every day.

You'd lose your mind before your transfers ran out.

I suppose you don't feel that way sometimes?

- Sometimes. - You should be the first to understand.

- Uh, Steven. - What?

Yeah. Uh, these glasses make my headache worse

and I can't see without them. Would you help me out?

I'm not seeing too well myself today. Uh, hang on.

Maybe we can make it together.

- Steve? - Yeah.

I think you ought to give your kids a break.

Stop playing on them like they were violins, let them get over you.

- Terry too? - She's over you.

- Are you sure? - Positive.

I believe you. I believe you and I respect your opinion.

- But are you sure? - Absolutely.

Christ, I'll be upset for weeks over this, I guarantee you.

Damn women.

Hot pants, miniskirts, no brassieres, why can't they leave us alone?

There's a cab, uh, you think you can make it all right?

- Yeah. Where you going? - I gotta tell her what I think of her

and my plane leaves at 12:30, heh.

There's... Uh, you're sure you can make it all right now, huh?

I'm fine. Just don't kiss me goodbye.

750 Madison.

When did you first feel the pain?

This morning. Maybe last night.

Everything about last night is understandably vague.

The condition is acute. There's gonna have to be an operation.

- Do you appreciate frankness? - Yes.

What I don't appreciate is people who say, "Do you appreciate frankness?"

- There's less than a fifty-fifty chance. - Of what?

That you'll ever see anything.

Well, at least I won't have to watch television.

- Want me to call your wife? - Uh, no.

You're not going home, you know.

I want you in the hospital tonight and we'll operate in the morning.

Well, in that case, maybe I better call.

Would you dial an operator for me?

Peter? Do you know what you're gonna say?

Mm-hm. Let's have lunch.

I don't know what you're trying to explain to me.

- Let go of my arm. - I can't let go. That's what.

- Why? - I might fall down.

We haven't even had our first martini.

It's my eyes. The doctor says I have to have an operation on my eyes.

- Your eyes? - That's why I want you to talk to Terry

- at lunch, huh? - Operation?

I may go blind. Easy, Howard. Are you okay?

I almost fainted.

If I had known you were gonna take it that hard, I wouldn't have told you.

Suppose it was a mistake, huh? See another doctor.

I've seen another doctor and there's no mistake.

It's always the good guys.

Howard, stop it. You gotta go in there and speak to her.

- Yeah, I'm sorry. - You all right?

Yeah. I'm all right now.

Now, remember, I don't want her to know anything about this.

You've got so much courage, I'm goddamn awed.

- That's very well put. - Thanks.

Now, you're to tell her that you gotta lock me up

- Watch it. - for a week

in order to finish the book.

There's to be no phone calls and no visitors.

- Careful. - Okay.

And she's not to try to contact me. You got it?

- Uh-huh. Got it. - Howard, if you betray me on this,

I'm gonna beat you to death with my white cane

and feed your remains to my dog.

I'm ready.

Well, uh, Terry, the problem is... Actually, that lazy husband of yours

- owes me a book. - Howard, heh.

- And you're crying about it? - Well, you know Howard,

he gets upset whenever money is involved.

- Let's cheer up, Howard. - Yeah.

Let's all have a drink. Waiter. Waiter?

- Yes, sir. - Three double martinis.

- I'll have the same. - Forget his.

Pull yourself together, huh, Howard.

And don't worry about the book, I'll get it finished.

Now, uh, love, Howard, uh...

He wants to lock me up at his place on the Cape until the book is done.

- Isn't that right, Howard? - That's right. The book.

He promised me that book a month ago

and I'm gonna lock him up and throw away the key,

so you won't be seeing him for a week.

- Right? - Right.

That's right, Howard.

So don't worry about him because that's where's he's gonna be.

Locked up in my cabin in Cape Cod.

Don't phone him. He'll phone you when it's all over.

Nothing's gonna happen to him

because all he's gonna be doing is finishing the goddamn book.

Well, it'll be pretty tough on me,

but if that's the way you want it, Howard.

You're lying, lying, lying. Both of you are lying.

Lying, me?

You'd never make such a big deal about going away to work for a week, Peter.

Me? What...? Of course, I would.

God, what a suspicious animal the female is.

You'd assume we were with two broads.

- Are you? - Maybe.

- Is he? - No, no, there are no women. No.

- He's going to Cape Cod. - Yeah.

- God, I can't stand it any longer. - Howard.

I'm gonna tell her.

Howard, you son of a bitch, you promised me.

I don't care. Your courage makes me sick.

- Howard, please! - She's got a right to know.

- Your husband's going blind. - Howard, please.

Now look what you've done, you've shattered her.

- Howard, blow your nose. - Thank you.

May I have another drink, Peter?

Be careful. Those things are dynamite on an empty stomach.

- Shut up, Howard. - I'm fine.

Look, love, please try to understand there was no point in telling you

- before it was all over with. - I know about your eyes, Peter.

- What does that mean? - I've always known

from the beginning. Dr. Harris told me the first day.

- You mean you married me knowing? - Jesus, what guts. What devotion.

- Shut up, Howard. - Shut up, Howard.

You mean that you married me pitying me?

- I never pitied you. - You hypocrite.

For God's sakes, be sensible.

You went to bed with me feeling sorry for me.

I went to bed with you because I enjoyed going to bed with you.

And because I thought you'd make a wonderful father for my children.

Caroline, Linda and they... Don't tell me they know.

- Of course they know. - My God.

How could they help but know the way you fumble around,

how could they help?

Goddamn it, being pitied by a 6-year-old.

- A baby. - Shut up and sit down.

This is a moment you should share alone...

- Shut up! - You sent Steven away

because you felt it was your duty to be near your poor blind husband.

- Let me out. - Sit down and shut up.

- Steven went away. He always goes. - He'll be back. He promised.

He also left a little innuendo that you and he and maybe a little...

For God's sakes. Stop that now. I don't give a damn about Steven.

- You're lying. - Peter.

You're like all the rest of the women. You're basically a liar, you're dishonest,

and you're patronizing and you can't wait to get a charity case to adopt!

I don't understand what happened to you brave, wonderful people.

Let's get the hell out of here, shall we? Before that broad comes back

and starts pitying me because she ruined my suit.

Peter. Peter, wait a second. Wait a second. I'll call her. I'll explain.

You do, Howard, and I'll kill you.

Howard?

Peter. Peter.

Peter. Peter.

Howard. Howard.

Hold still, Peter, it's time.

For what?

I'm gonna remove the bandage.

- Just like that? No trumpets? - That may come later.

Easy now. Don't move your head.

Just relax.

So far so good, keep going.

That's it.

Twelve hundred bucks for this?

I'm afraid so.

- What's it like? - Well, not so deep as a well,

nor so wide as a barn, but it will serve.

Can you distinguish anything?

Yeah, bright light.

Some color.

Few shadows. One of them, I guess, is you over there.

- It's me. - Chrissake, is she here?

- Peter, don't... - I told you.

- Peter, don't get excited. - Excited? I've been violated.

I'll leave you two alone.

- Where are you going? - I have other patients.

Well, God help them.

- Why did you come? - I was worried about you.

- Perfectly natural. - Heh, perfectly.

Women always worry about helpless men.

And small puppies and donkeys too old to pull carts.

Don't you think you can pull a cart anymore?

Certainly I can over a cliff or in front of a truck.

What's the matter with you?

Don't you realize you'd be better off with somebody else now?

Like Steven, for example?

He's got a lot more substance than you ever gave him credit for.

The two of you had something. You know, both of you and the kids.

We'd never match that.

- You'd send me back to Steven? - I wouldn't stand in your way.

- I want you to know that. Mm-hm. - Well, that's very unselfish of you.

- Noble and fine and good. - What does all of that mean?

And after I leave, you get nailed to an eye chart, burned in your pajamas.

And we build a new religion around you.

- That's not very nice. - You have a wife and three children.

You're using this to get out of it, that's not very nice either.

I am being practical and objective.

I cannot go back to him.

As you said or I think you said, you've had three kids together, it's no big deal.

Steven is dead.

What?

I tried to tell you but you would not answer my calls.

How did it happen?

Well, uh, he was in this, uh...

He was in this house

and, uh, he was covering a story

on the, uh, women...

The women's role in the war...

And a hand grenade was thrown through the window.

Blown up in a whorehouse.

When I heard, all I could think about

was how glad I was that it wasn't you.

I'm sorry, I'm terribly sorry. How are the kids taking it?

Uh, ahem.

Caroline is being very adult about it.

David doesn't understand,

and, uh, Linda is taking it very, very badly.

Anything I can do?

May I tell Linda you wanna see her?

Of course, if you think it would do any good.

I know it would.

- I'll bring her tomorrow. - No, no, not yet. Not here.

- When are you coming home? - I don't know.

- A week, a month, a year? - I don't know.

Then I'll wait to hear from you.

And just remember, she won't be a little girl very long.

- Mr. Wilson? - Heh.

What on earth are you doing?

Just shut up and get me a 7-foot sketch pad.

- What? - Go, go, go.

Doctor. Doctor. Doctor.

- Well, aren't you coming up with me? - No, it's between the two of you.

I'll pick you up by noon. Okay?

- Do I have to? - No, but I think you should.

Oh, it's open, come in.

It's Linda.

Oh, uh...

- Hi, Linda, heh, how are you? - My mother made me come.

What do you want?

That's right, I forget. You're the one that never beats around the bush.

Okay, to talk about your father.

Why? I didn't like him very much if you wanna know.

Oh.

And he didn't like me either. He was always going away.

But he won't do it again because he's dead. And I'm glad.

What did you say?

I said he's dead and I'm glad.

You sound like a woodpecker banging against a tree. You know:

Stop that!

You're just like him! You laugh too. All men are like that.

I don't care. I don't care.

- Close that door, Linda. - I'm going.

If you go out of here now, you'll stammer until your teeth fall out.

I won't...

Who can understand that?

Stop that.

Do you think someone is gonna feel sorry for you, is that it?

Rat-a-tat-tat-tat the rest of your life like a stupid woodpecker?

Don't say that. Stop it, please. Stop it.

I won't feel sorry for you. You might as well start feeling sorry for yourself

because nobody ever stops stammering

until they wanted to stop stammering.

Shut up, will you? Will you shut up?

Sorry. I really am.

I didn't mean to hit you, honest, I didn't.

Oh, yes, you did.

Oh.

I don't know if it was worth it, but it worked.

- What worked? - You stopped stammering.

Really?

Up to a point.

Are you sure you're all right?

Oh, heh, fine. I may never be the same.

I'm just fine.

- Do you see a 7-foot easel over there? - Sure, right there.

Uh-huh.

- What's on it? - A book.

- A book? - Yeah.

It's a book that I promised Howard Mann a long time ago

but I never did get around to finishing it

until I got this idea about your father.

- The Last Flower? - Yeah.

That's about my father?

Well, more about the way he thought, why he always went away.

- Why? - Well, he knew something was wrong

and he tried to fix it with his camera.

In the end, you might say he gave his life for an idea. Sort of.

- What do you mean, "sort of"? - The details don't...

It's the thought that counts. It... Can you read what's in the middle there?

- "For Linda." For me? - Yeah.

"In the wistful hope that her world will be better than mine."

- I'm not sure I know what it means. - Well, you will.

Help me down with this.

- Is that a picture of soldiers? - Yes.

- It's not very good. - I know.

Just read what it says, please.

"World War XII, as everybody knows,

brought about the collapse of civilization."

Yeah, thanks.

"Towns, cities and villages disappeared from the Earth."

- You mean everything was gone? - Well, not exactly everything.

There was one of these.

Is that supposed to be a bird?

If Michelangelo had you looking over his shoulder,

he never would have finished that ceiling.

As I was saying, "Towns, cities and villages disappeared from the Earth.

All the groves and forests were destroyed.

And all the gardens. And all the works of art.

Gee.

Men, women and children became lower than the lower animals.

Emboldened by the pitiful condition of the former lords of the Earth,

rabbits descended upon them."

Look out!

It's okay now.

The books, paintings, music disappeared from the Earth.

Human beings sat around, just doing nothing.

Years and years went by.

Even the few generals that were left

had forgotten what the last war decided.

Boys and girls grew up to stare at each other blankly.

Love had passed from the Earth.

- Well, what about sex? - It was on its way out.

But one day, a young girl who had never seen a flower in her life

chanced to come upon the last one in the world.

Well, she told the other human beings that the last flower was dying

and the only one that would pay any attention to her

was a young man that she met wandering about.

Do they have any clothes on? I can't tell.

If you can't tell, what difference does it make?

Anyway, the young man and the girl nurtured the flower

and it began to live again.

One day, a bee visited the flower and a humming bird.

Before long there were two flowers, and then four.

Then a great many.

And the young girl began to take an interest in how she looked.

- All of a sudden she's developed. - It'll be your turn soon.

The young man discovered that touching the girl was pleasurable.

Oh, uh...

Love was reborn into the world.

The children grew up strong and healthy and learned to run and laugh.

The dogs came out of their exile.

The dogs are just like the rabbits. Rabbits don't look much like rabbits.

- I do the best I can. - I know.

The young man discovered, by putting one stone upon the other,

how to build a shelter.

Pretty soon everybody was building shelters.

Towns, villages, cities sprang up.

Song came back in the world.

And troubadours and jugglers.

Boy, he's pretty good.

Butter fingers.

And painters and poets and sculptors and wheelwrights.

- And soldiers. - Uh-oh.

And lieutenants, captains, generals, major generals.

And liberators.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Now, some people went one place to live and some another.

Before long, those who went to live in the valleys

wished they'd gone to live in the hills.

Those that had gone to live in the hills

wished they'd gone to the valleys.

What about those who went to live on Long Island?

They got what they deserved.

The liberators, under the guidance of God, set fire to the discontent.

So presently, the world was at war again.

Only this time the destruction was so complete,

nothing at all was left in the world.

- Nothing? - Except one man.

And one woman.

And one flower.

I like it.

And I think I understand.

Well, that's about all anybody could ask about anything.

Of course, these drawings aren't very good.

- Worse than usual? - No, they've never been very good.

Well, at least that's encouraging, heh.

When are you coming home? David misses you.

I don't know. Maybe when you stop doing that

and I can learn how to light somebody's cigarette

without setting their head on fire.

That's mother. I have to go.

- Goodbye, Linda. Thanks for coming. - Bye.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

If pickled peppers,

where's the peck of pickled peppers that Peter Piper picked?

I don't have anything left to give up for Lent.

Nothing Norman Mailer has to say is of the slightest interest to me.

Howard, I've learned not to mind being stared at.

A little old lady helped me across the street, I didn't even hit her.

It seems like a very large party for such a very small book.

Well, here he is at last, ladies and gentlemen, Peter Wilson.

Peter, why don't you tell us a little bit about how you work?

- Uh, where that hidden well is. - Well, I...

How you get your inspiration and all that stuff.

I once knew a little girl who stammered, but she stopped.

- Now, what does that mean? - Well, I don't know, but it helped me.

Do you think your failing eyesight will be a terrible handicap to you in the future?

On the contrary, it's a godsend. I can barely see you at all.

You asked Terry to come here? Now I am gonna kill you.

I did not ask her, I swear.

I talked to her, but did not ask her in so many words.

- How do you know? - I heard her laughing.

What's the matter with you, you deaf?

What's the matter with you, you stupid? Why haven't you called her?

Because I've got to prove something first.

- What? - That I don't need her for anything.

Otherwise she'll hold it over my head for the rest of my life.

I'll wait till the book is a success and then call her.

Well, if she had any sense at all, she'd leave you.

You won't be the only idiot on the bestseller list, you know.

There you are, Mr. Wilson, you don't know how thrilled I am.

Would you mind autographing your book for me, please?

Someday it might be worth something.

There's always that slender chance, heh.

Would you write, "To Helen McInness, of Pittsburgh, PA"?

Would you, please?

- Would you do me a favor? - Of course.

Would you point me to the nearest blank wall?

- What? - Find a wall and point me towards it.

Well, there's one right over there. You can't miss it.

- Where? - Right over there.

Thanks, Helen.

Hello.

- What took you so long? - I'm as stubborn as you are.

- How's my drawing? - Terrible.

- Being obvious again. - About what?

I recognize the mating dance when I see one.

Come on.

- You know what I like about you? - What?

You have absolutely no shame.

- You know what I like about you? - What?

The operation didn't change you a bit. You're still a mean, old son of a bitch.