All language subtitles for The Conners s02e09_English

♪♪

It's early assembly day,
and we all forgot.

We're gonna be late.

I have to be on time!
I'm the first one to sing!

Ah, crap.
They haven't had breakfast yet.

You know what? I remember
a trick I learned from the
bartender at the casino.

Line up four glasses
so they're touching.

Got it.
Get her cereal, get her milk.

Damn it, DJ!
Spoons, man!

[ Silverware rattles ]

No. No!
Darlene! Darlene!

I think we all know Mary's gonna
throw that up during her song.

I feel terrible.

Today's Dad's birthday,

and I can't afford
to get him anything decent.

It's not about
spending money.

He just wants to know
that you kids remember.

Make him something.

I did write him a poem.

"An old silent dad.

An ice-cold beer
pops open.

Gulp!

Silence again."

It's a haiku.

You know...this...

could be worse
than not remembering.

[ Sighs ]

Hey.
How was the meeting?

Did you bring up that we need
a new coffee maker?

They just fired me.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, what kind
of coffee maker you ask for?

Oh, my God.

You're serious.

What happened?

Oh, after a bunch of...
B.S. about overhead,

it boils down to them
wanting someone cheaper.

But you created
this whole thing.

[ Scoffs ]

What a bunch
of soulless corporate jerks.

I don't want to work
for people like that.

Do I still work
for people like that?

Don't worry.
You're safe.

And I get why you'd want
to stay. You got kids.

Yeah. Thanks.

Actually, they said they were
gonna make you an offer

to run the place.

Run the place?

Now they want me
to replace the man

that gave me this opportunity
in the first place?

What, they think they can just
wave money in front of me

and I'll sell my soul?

Just for kicks, did they say
how much they were gonna wave?

[ Clears throat ]

Pull yourself together.
I'm gonna be fine.

Well, I-I'm so sorry.

I can't imagine what
you must be feeling right now.

Pretty much what you're
gonna feel in a minute.

Uh, they told me that they were
sure you would take the job

for half
of what I was making.

Half?!

That's so insulting.

I mean, I didn't think I was
gonna break the glass ceiling,

but I'd like to be able
to stand on a chair,

reach up, and touch it.

Well, if it helps...

[ Grunts ]

...you can tell them
that I think you're worth more.

Ah. That's really sweet,
but they hate you.

Smart thing to do now
is to trash you

and use your body
like a trampoline

to bounce up
the corporate ladder.

You've changed
since you've been in charge.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of
a live studio audience.

Hey, everybody.

Uh, looks like
some local vandals

got into your sign
out there.

The Lunch Box is now
"The Munch Box."

Dwight, can you give me a hand
changing the letters back?

I'll do it,
but it won't be the last time.

Wolfgang Puck has been
changing that back to a "P"

for years.

I have a little surprise
for you.

Who told you
it was my birthday?

It's your birthday?

Happy birthday.

Luckily,
I brought you a present.

Is it a car?

[ Chuckles ]

So, uh, what's the family
gonna do for your birthday?

Nothing, I hope.

My idea of a perfect birthday
is sing the song,

give me the beaded
car seat cover, then go away.

Ohh.

Underneath
that cold exterior,

just more rocks.

[ Door opens ]

Hey,
Louise brought sammiches.

Yeah. And the bread
is gluten-free.

I thought that might help
Dan's joint pain.

Pass. Based on all the
gluten-free things I've tried,

gluten is where
they keep the taste.

That's really sweet of you,
Louise,

but I don't think
that Dan has a gluten problem.

Roseanne cooked him everything
he wanted, and he was fine.

Roseanne was
a hell of a cook.

You ever come here
when this was Roseanne's place?

No, but I hear
it was very popular.

Back then, I was pretty much
always on the road with my band.

Yeah, Roseanne never went
on the road with a band.

She stayed home
and raised a family

with the love of her life --
this guy right here.

Married 45 years.

A marriage
built on gluten.

Jackie...

could you go make sure

that Dwight is wearing
his safety goggles?

If he hurts himself, I got to
dump him on a union job.

I get it.
You want to be alone.

Well, you're not alone.

You're with everybody
she's ever been with.

Why don't you stand up for me
when she does this stuff?

Look, Jackie's going through
a really tough time right now.

She's fragile.

How fragile is she?

At Thanksgiving,

I watched her bitchslap
the bejeezus out of Darlene.

I know it's impossible,

but if you could
just ignore her...

She gonna be at your
tree-decorating thing tonight?

'Cause if she is,
I'm not coming.

Come on, Louise.

Mnh-mnh.

Dan, my bathroom time
is my time.

You either talk to Jackie
or put a lock on the door.

Darlene Conner?

Yep.
Can I help you?

Carrie Langham, CEO of
American Consumer Magazines.

Oh, wow.
I was gonna come to you.

I didn't expect the big boss
to come to me.

I couldn't wait.

I'm so excited to have a female
publisher at Lock 'Em Up.

Oh, I'm so glad
to hear that.

Yeah, I get off so much
on empowering women,

I have no use
for my husband anymore.

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah.
It's like an appendix.

No one knows what they do,
and you can live without them.

[ Both laugh ]

While we're laughing,

I heard something
ridiculous.

I was told
that I'd be getting 50%

of what the previous publisher,
a man, was getting.

I like that.

Women have to fight to be
treated equally in this world.

It's the only way
we get what we want.

Right?

But you're not getting
what you want today.

Oh, yeah.
Uh, tomorrow's fine.

I figured
there'd be paperwork.

No, that number you heard
is as high as I'll go.

Uh, excuse me?

Uh, you said that empowering
women gets you off?

I want to get you off.

Look, we're moving you up
from copy editor to publisher.

I thought you'd appreciate
a promotion like that.

Well, if I get promoted
one more time,

I'll be volunteering here.

Look, you're either gonna pay me
what's fair or I'm walking.

I got five people in line
for your job.

You're fired.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I was just doing
that whole fighting thing

'cause you said
you liked it.

People grow, people change,
and I don't like it anymore.

Women are so complicated,
aren't we?

♪♪

Remember, run the cord
to the neighbor's house

and plug it in the side,
hide it in the snow.

Hey.

Check it out, Darlene.
Good ol' Smokey the Penguin.

Ohh.

"Santa says
a carton makes a great gift."

Great.

Crap.
Mary got caught.

She's just a kid!
She didn't know!

Hey, Smokey.

So...I lost my job today.

Can't support my kids.

Clearly, I'm freaking out.

I mean, I'm talking
to a plastic penguin.

Hey, Darlene.
Hey.

Hey, Becky.
Mary:
Oh, hey, Aunt Becky.

Hey, guys!

Does everyone have
their Santa suits ready

for our pictures
with the mall Santa?

I still don't understand
why we dress up like Santa

to go see Santa.

Think about it.

They see Santa
sitting on Santa's lap

asking for presents
from Santa.

[ Imitates explosion ]

Since you finally have
a good job,

can we get good stuff
instead of something

from the "As Seen on TV" aisle
at the drugstore?

Oh, Mark.

Christmas is
not about gifts.

It's about
what's in your heart.

They're screwing us again,
Mary!

More decorations?

Yeah! Nobody was even guarding
the tree in the town square.

I got
all kind of stuff.

Look, I need
to talk to you.

Tomorrow is
"Santa on Santa Action Night."

I know!
I'm so excited!

I got a new whoopee cushion
sewn into my Santa pants

for when I sit on his lap.

I'm gonna blame it on Santa.
It'll kill the kids!

Here's the deal -- since you
can't get along with Louise...

...you have Christmas Eve
and she has Santa on Santa.

What?!

Santa on Santa
is important to me.

It means nothing to her.

I put my Santa picture
on my Match profile!

Look,
Louise is my friend.

I want to be able
to see her

without you attacking her
all the time.

So, I'm being replaced.

It's like
this nativity scene,

when you replaced the baby Jesus
with a Polly Pocket!

Come on, Jackie!

A Polly Pocket!

Okay, now
that everybody's here --

Dad...

I feel really bad
because I couldn't be a part

of whatever
everybody was planning

for your birthday
this year.

You know,
because of the baby and all.

But I put
a lot of thought

into this really cute picture
of Beverly Rose

that I taped
on a beer koozie.

Ohh!

Happy birthday.

You deserve
a lot more than this.

Thank you, sweetheart.

I'm a little surprised you don't
know me better than this.

As if I'd ever
let a beer get warm.

Okay, who's next?
Come on.

Yell "Surprise" so we can
get this over with and eat.

Surprise!
We forgot your birthday.

We're so sorry, Dad.

Mom always gave us
a heads-up the day before.

It's fine.

No, I promise
we will make it up to you.

It's not a big deal.

I'm gonna run out
to the garage

and grab a beer
for my new beer koozie.

I have to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.

Oh, no, you don't.

You're not gonna
run off and make a card
like you remembered.

You're gonna sit here and feel
guilty, like the rest of us.

♪♪

So, you were
a bad daughter

and you were only a publisher
for two hours?

Well, personally, I'm glad
we're not dating anymore

'cause you're kind of
a dumpster fire.

Well, since we're not
working together

and we're not going out,

I guess I got no reason
to come back to Chicago

and you got no reason
to come back to Lanford.

Oh, wow.

Yeah,
I guess you're right.

Hm.

Well, I gotta say...

I really enjoyed
working with you.

Aww. And I really enjoyed
working with you.

Mm.

[ Glasses clink ]

You're annoying, but...

incredibly smart.

Oh. Well, you're smart
but incredibly annoying.

Eyy!

[ Laughs ]

And you were
my first sex on a desk.

Oh, and you were
my best sex on a desk.

Hey!

Well, you know what?
I tell you what.

I'm gonna say --

I'm gonna say best sex
on any office furniture.

Ooh, wow!

Ahh.

[ Sniffs, sighs ]

It is gonna be weird
not to see you every day.

I mean,
I tell you everything.

Who else is gonna listen
to all that stuff?

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Kind of looked forward
to listening to that stuff.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

Mm, mm. Hold on.

Um...

We're both drunk and sad
and just looking for comfort.

Going back to your place

or just going to the bathroom
here in the bar to have sex

is a terrible idea.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, how about
I just meet you on the floor

after I fall off
this stool?

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah, one more.

No, no, no.

♪♪

Uh, I need
to talk to you.

I only talk to people
who buy something.

I'll have two olives.

Dan thinks
that you and I can't be

in the same place
at the same time

because you're always
attacking me.

What?

Are you out of your mind?

See, this is
what we've got to work past!

We have got to get along

because I'm getting cut out
of family events.

So, normally, I would
come in here and charm you,

but Santa on Santa
is tomorrow,

so say I'm your friend,
and I'll go back and tell Dan.

No!

Do not make this
my issue.

You're the one who's always
had problems with me.

You're not that special.

I have problems
with a lot of people.

On the house.

Look...

I'm not trying
to take your sister's place.

Nobody could take
my sister's place.

I know that.

But that doesn't change the fact
that Dan is a great guy.

In case you didn't know,
they're hard to find.

Oh, you think
I don't know that?

I've been single
for a long time.

I've had my share
of losers and nightmares.

I dated a guy
who lived in a tree house.

You know what's worse
than a walk of shame?

Climbing down
a homemade ladder of shame

while the neighbor kids
throw water balloons at you.

How about a guy
who took out his glass eye

and put it
on the nightstand

and turned it
to face us?

It's like he wanted
to watch himself having sex.

Oh.

I would've married
that guy.

Look, I don't know
what you think is going on

with your brother-in-law
and I,

but he asked me
to take it slow,

and we are.

We haven't held hands,
we haven't kissed.

Nothing.

Really?
Yeah.

And he's worth the wait.

What is it
that you think I'm after?

His, uh...
his third mortgage?

His, uh...

his truck with that muffler
tied on with a hanger?

His chickens?

Well, individually,
it doesn't sound like much,

but when you
put it together...

Look, I-I know
you're just looking out for Dan.

[ Sighs ]

But don't you want him
to have someone

to spend
the rest of his life with?

Well, I don't want him
to be alone.

Alright, well, I promise,
if things move along,

I'll ask you for his hand.

I'll settle for you
giving Dan a call

and telling him you're cool
if I come to Santa on Santa.

Yeah.
I'm okay with that.

Mm.

You know,
when you come down to it,

Dan could do
worse than you.

There's a lot of weirdos
out there.

Yep.

You ever had a man
ask you to diaper him?

As a sex thing
or an old man thing?

[ Clears throat ]
'Cause yeah.

Oh, you hittin'
and quittin'?

[ Grunts ]

Well, I got what I need.

[ Laughs ]

Look, I got to get home
before my kids get up.

[ Grunts ]

This is really awkward.

I don't want to assume
that last night meant something.

Um, we were both drunk
and depressed.

Although, that's pretty much
the only sex I have.

First of all,
I prefer "making love."

Gross!

[ Chuckles ]

And second, my vote is,
we keep it going!

Stay in bed!

We order food
and keep making the love

until we're both
600 pounds

and can't roll
on top of each other anymore.

Wait.

Are you saying
that we're back together?

Yes.

I mean,
I have no future,

but I'd like
to share that with you.

Then hell yes!

[ Laughs ]

[ French accent ]
And now, I will make-a
ze sweet love to you.

[ Both laugh ]

Hey.

Hey!
What are you doing up?

Couldn't steep.

What you watching?

A leg hair removal system.

Only four left.
You gotta hurry.

Well, I am tired of snagging
perfectly good pantyhose

on my stubble.

You sure you're not up
because you're upset

about everybody
forgetting your birthday?

Nah.

I know this family's
dealing with a lot. I'm fine.

No, you're not.

Quit being
so damn stoic.

Remember when I told you
as a kid

to stop sharing your problems
with everybody?

Yeah.

That's one of the reasons
I'm an alcoholic.

Look, I'm the kid
that actually cares about you.

You can tell me.

Fine.

It kinda bugs me.

This is the first time

any of you kids ever forgot
about my birthday,

and it got me thinking,
"What happens when I'm gone?"

So...

Well, after you're gone,

we'll probably stop
celebrating your birthday,

because, you know,
nobody to blow out the candles.

[ Beverly fusses ]

It's not the birthday.
It's about being forgotten.

I'm not a kind of guy

that's gonna get his name
on a building

or even a sandwich
at the deli.

All I got is my family,

and if they don't
remember me...

I disappear.

You're not gonna disappear.

Oh, yeah?

What's she gonna remember
about me?

You've got plenty of years
for her to get to know you.

No one's
gonna forget you.

Dan, is it?

Everything we are
is because of you.

How about I take the job of
reminding everybody every year?

Fine.
Do what you want to.

[ Chuckles ]

I don't care.

I'm fine.

♪♪

Ho, ho, ho.

Yep. We're back.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

This is
our first triple Santa.

I get it now.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Remember last year,
when I threw up all over you?

We're sober now.
Yes, we are!

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

So, the elves --

are they free to go,
or are they slaves?

[ Camera shutter clicks ]
[ Whoopee cushion blows ]

Oh, Santa!

[ Laughter ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

I actually asked
to be a part of this.

I'm so sorry.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Bounce me.
I dare ya.

I have a gift for you,
Dan Conner.

Your family's very sorry
they forgot your birthday,

so they wanted me
to give you this.

All: Happy birthday!

Wow!

An actual
game-worn Bears jersey!

Who's Overbaugh?

Uh, Jeff Overbaugh.

He was the long snapper
for a week in 2017.

There was only one other bidder,
and he dropped out at 10 bucks.

I think
it was Overbaugh.

I love it!

♪♪

[ Jackie humming
"Deck the Halls" ]

♪♪

[ Humming continues ]

♪♪

[ Humming continues ]

♪♪

[ Humming stops ]