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1
00:00:01,567 --> 00:00:04,502
(theme song playing)
2
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(sighs)
3
00:01:20,813 --> 00:01:27,084
Now I know what drove
Scott Fitzgerald to drink.
4
00:01:27,152 --> 00:01:28,520
What's that?
5
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:33,057
A little piece of paper
that says
6
00:01:33,125 --> 00:01:37,729
"You drained your soul into
the typewriter for naught."
7
00:01:37,797 --> 00:01:40,030
Let me see.
Let me see.
8
00:01:40,098 --> 00:01:42,433
It's from the Kenderson
Literary Agency.
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00:01:42,501 --> 00:01:45,337
"Dear Mr. Ignatowski,
although your submission
10
00:01:45,404 --> 00:01:47,239
"was one of the most
interesting we've read,
11
00:01:47,306 --> 00:01:51,142
"unfortunately, it does not
suit our needs at this time.
12
00:01:51,209 --> 00:01:55,079
Therefore, we are returning
your M*A S*H script herewith."
13
00:01:55,147 --> 00:01:57,415
Oh! Ho-ho!
14
00:01:57,483 --> 00:01:59,050
You wrote
a script for M*A S*H?
15
00:01:59,117 --> 00:02:02,586
I gave birth to a script
for M*A S*H--
16
00:02:02,654 --> 00:02:06,224
a great script.
17
00:02:06,291 --> 00:02:08,860
Well, Jim, what was it about?
18
00:02:08,928 --> 00:02:11,062
A simple story.
19
00:02:11,130 --> 00:02:13,898
I'm surprised they
haven't done it.
20
00:02:13,966 --> 00:02:18,570
Hawkeye has to perform
surgery on Colonel Potter,
21
00:02:18,637 --> 00:02:23,374
all the while being disrupted by
shelling from the North Koreans
22
00:02:23,442 --> 00:02:26,411
and a Zaxalonian starship.
23
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:29,347
Oh, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
24
00:02:29,415 --> 00:02:31,949
Are you talking about aliens
from another planet?
25
00:02:32,017 --> 00:02:34,552
Yeah, the Zaxalonians.
26
00:02:36,555 --> 00:02:39,624
Their bodies
are the size of a grape.
27
00:02:42,862 --> 00:02:44,895
And here is where
the switch comes in.
28
00:02:47,065 --> 00:02:49,400
The queen of the Zaxalonians,
29
00:02:49,468 --> 00:02:53,004
disguised as an earring,
30
00:02:53,072 --> 00:02:54,806
falls in love with Klinger.
31
00:02:57,009 --> 00:02:58,676
Huh?
32
00:02:58,744 --> 00:03:00,211
Um...
(clears throat)
33
00:03:00,278 --> 00:03:01,812
Well, how does it end?
34
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:05,150
Comedy... tragedy...
35
00:03:05,218 --> 00:03:08,119
and a statement against war.
36
00:03:09,788 --> 00:03:12,657
And a pie fight.
37
00:03:12,725 --> 00:03:13,925
LOUIE:
Hey, Reiger.
38
00:03:13,993 --> 00:03:15,126
Yeah.
39
00:03:15,194 --> 00:03:16,794
Uh, Jeff told me
to tell you
40
00:03:16,862 --> 00:03:19,631
that he was picking up
some shipment of yours
41
00:03:19,698 --> 00:03:20,965
at the airport.
42
00:03:21,033 --> 00:03:23,401
Oh, thanks, Lou. Hey!
43
00:03:23,469 --> 00:03:25,637
I've got a surprise
for you guys.
44
00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:28,973
So guess who's going to be
licking my face in 15 minutes.
45
00:03:29,041 --> 00:03:31,543
Not me.
46
00:03:31,611 --> 00:03:32,911
Buddy.
You got it!
47
00:03:32,979 --> 00:03:34,379
All right, Buddy! Hey!
Buddy!
48
00:03:34,446 --> 00:03:36,514
Oh, Alex! How come you didn't
tell us Buddy was coming?
49
00:03:36,582 --> 00:03:38,349
I would have gotten him
a bone or something.
50
00:03:38,417 --> 00:03:39,784
I wanted to surprise you.
51
00:03:39,852 --> 00:03:42,087
JIM:
Uh...name of Buddy,
52
00:03:42,154 --> 00:03:46,291
licks faces, likes bones.
53
00:03:46,359 --> 00:03:47,558
Buddy Hackett?
54
00:03:47,626 --> 00:03:49,960
No, no, no, not Buddy Hackett.
55
00:03:50,028 --> 00:03:52,430
No, no, no, no.
Buddy's my dog.
56
00:03:52,498 --> 00:03:53,998
I raised him from a puppy.
57
00:03:54,065 --> 00:03:56,667
The last few years, I let
my sister take care of him.
58
00:03:56,735 --> 00:03:58,903
She's got this, uh,
backyard and kids, you know,
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00:03:58,971 --> 00:04:00,371
for the dog to play with.
60
00:04:00,439 --> 00:04:01,572
But, well, he's gotten old,
61
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:02,907
so I'm going
to take him back
62
00:04:02,974 --> 00:04:04,342
and he's going to come and live
with me in my apartment.
63
00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:05,610
You're going
to love him, too, Jim.
64
00:04:05,677 --> 00:04:06,877
Yeah.
This dog's really smart.
65
00:04:06,945 --> 00:04:10,014
This dog is the smartest dog
in the entire world.
66
00:04:10,082 --> 00:04:11,349
(both chuckling)
67
00:04:11,416 --> 00:04:13,818
Now wait, wait, wait, Alex--
Alex, I mean, the dog is smart,
68
00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:15,854
but I don't think he's the
smartest dog in the whole world.
69
00:04:15,921 --> 00:04:17,222
Oh, yes he is.
70
00:04:17,289 --> 00:04:19,657
This dog is probably the
smartest dog that ever lived.
71
00:04:19,725 --> 00:04:21,792
Now, wait a minute, Alex.
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00:04:21,860 --> 00:04:24,896
I've known a lot of
smart dogs in my time,
73
00:04:24,964 --> 00:04:27,999
so when you say you've got the
smartest dog that ever lived,
74
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:30,468
I have to, I have to,
I have to call you on it.
75
00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:31,736
Ah...
76
00:04:31,803 --> 00:04:33,471
What does this dog do?
77
00:04:33,538 --> 00:04:36,274
You point your finger at him
like a gun, you go bang,
78
00:04:36,342 --> 00:04:38,443
he rolls over and plays dead.
79
00:04:39,945 --> 00:04:42,914
You must have stole
him from a circus!
80
00:04:42,981 --> 00:04:44,983
Ooh, I sure hope
I don't get an assignment
81
00:04:45,050 --> 00:04:46,884
before Buddy gets here.
82
00:04:46,952 --> 00:04:51,222
Buddy? You mean that shipment
you're expecting is Buddy?
83
00:04:51,290 --> 00:04:52,457
Yeah.
Your dog?
84
00:04:52,524 --> 00:04:53,591
Yeah.
The man-eater?
85
00:04:53,659 --> 00:04:54,726
What?
86
00:04:54,793 --> 00:04:56,494
I thought that wretched cur
87
00:04:56,562 --> 00:04:58,229
had been dead for years.
88
00:04:58,297 --> 00:04:59,697
Damn it!
89
00:04:59,765 --> 00:05:01,332
I slept better thinking
90
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,701
that that mongrel
was roasting in doggie hell.
91
00:05:03,769 --> 00:05:04,902
He's vicious!
92
00:05:04,970 --> 00:05:05,937
He's not vicious.
Oh, yeah?
93
00:05:06,005 --> 00:05:07,572
The last time
he was here, he bit me.
94
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,207
You bit him first.
95
00:05:09,275 --> 00:05:10,875
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
96
00:05:10,943 --> 00:05:13,144
I guarantee he's not going
to bite you again, all right?
97
00:05:13,212 --> 00:05:14,745
Oh, I don't know, Alex.
98
00:05:14,813 --> 00:05:17,248
Uh, they say that once a dog
has tasted slime...
99
00:05:17,316 --> 00:05:18,783
(laughing)
100
00:05:18,851 --> 00:05:21,719
You won't be, won't be making
funny remarks, Nardo,
101
00:05:21,787 --> 00:05:25,523
when that dog's got his fangs
in your vocal cords.
102
00:05:25,590 --> 00:05:31,329
Reiger, that dog had better
be in a cage and muzzled
103
00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:33,097
because he is a
hound of hell.
104
00:05:33,165 --> 00:05:34,498
He's a devil dog.
105
00:05:34,566 --> 00:05:35,667
Oh, come on.
106
00:05:35,735 --> 00:05:38,636
(Buddy whimpers)
107
00:05:38,704 --> 00:05:40,538
Hey, Alex, here's your dog.
108
00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:42,139
There's my Buddy.
109
00:05:43,942 --> 00:05:45,910
Oh, Buddy.
There's my Buddy.
110
00:05:45,977 --> 00:05:47,378
Hey.
There's my Buddy.
111
00:05:47,446 --> 00:05:48,479
(smooching)
112
00:05:48,547 --> 00:05:50,214
It is better
to be back with me, hmm?
113
00:05:54,186 --> 00:05:55,586
(door unlocking)
114
00:06:10,402 --> 00:06:12,570
Hey, Bud.
115
00:06:12,638 --> 00:06:13,905
Buddy, Buddy, Buddy,
Buddy, Buddy, Buddy.
116
00:06:16,041 --> 00:06:17,174
Buddy, Buddy, Buddy,
Buddy, Buddy.
117
00:06:17,242 --> 00:06:18,443
(whimpers)
(laughing)
118
00:06:18,510 --> 00:06:19,577
How's my Buddy, huh?
119
00:06:19,645 --> 00:06:21,245
Come on, Buddy, come on.
120
00:06:21,313 --> 00:06:22,680
Come on, Buddy.
Come on, come on.
121
00:06:22,747 --> 00:06:24,682
Come on, come on.
Get yourself up.
122
00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:26,183
There you go.
123
00:06:26,251 --> 00:06:27,652
How's my Buddy, huh?
124
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:28,919
You glad to see me?
125
00:06:28,987 --> 00:06:30,588
Sure you are.
126
00:06:30,655 --> 00:06:35,160
Have you been up to mischief
today or were you a good dog?
127
00:06:35,227 --> 00:06:37,561
(baby talk):
Were you a good dog today?
128
00:06:37,629 --> 00:06:39,096
(smooching)
129
00:06:39,164 --> 00:06:40,231
Huh?
130
00:06:40,299 --> 00:06:43,734
Aren't you going to answer me?
131
00:06:43,802 --> 00:06:45,670
Aren't you going
to answer me, Buddy?
132
00:06:45,737 --> 00:06:48,906
Buddy, come on.
I know you can talk.
133
00:06:48,974 --> 00:06:50,741
Say, "Reiger."
134
00:06:50,809 --> 00:06:52,643
Reiger.
135
00:06:52,711 --> 00:06:54,679
(growling):
Reiger.
136
00:06:56,147 --> 00:06:57,382
Come on, the "rrr"
and the "grr" are easy.
137
00:06:57,449 --> 00:06:58,549
All you gotta do
is put an 'E' in it.
138
00:06:58,617 --> 00:07:00,785
(growling):
Reiger.
139
00:07:00,853 --> 00:07:03,354
You like it when I'm an idiot
to you, don't you?
140
00:07:03,421 --> 00:07:04,656
I love it.
141
00:07:04,723 --> 00:07:06,858
Huh? Oh.
142
00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:08,359
Oh, hi, hi, Simka.
Hi...
143
00:07:08,427 --> 00:07:11,195
(growls):
Reiger.
144
00:07:11,263 --> 00:07:12,864
I didn't even realize
you were there.
145
00:07:12,931 --> 00:07:14,665
Don't worry about
nothin', Alex.
146
00:07:14,733 --> 00:07:17,201
I not going to tell
nobody about this.
147
00:07:17,269 --> 00:07:18,936
If anybody finds
out about this,
148
00:07:19,004 --> 00:07:22,473
it'll be because Buddy
can't keep his mouth shut.
149
00:07:22,541 --> 00:07:24,375
So, uh, what brings you here?
150
00:07:24,442 --> 00:07:27,345
Well, Alex, in my
country, it's a tradition
151
00:07:27,413 --> 00:07:31,682
that when a friend gets a new
beast, it must be blessed.
152
00:07:31,750 --> 00:07:34,886
Do I mind if I
bless your beast?
153
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,521
Well, no, I guess the,
uh, beast is agreeable.
154
00:07:37,589 --> 00:07:38,690
(chuckles)
Sure.
155
00:07:38,757 --> 00:07:39,791
Good.
Sure.
156
00:07:43,929 --> 00:07:47,532
Okay, stay there.
157
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,133
All right.
158
00:07:49,201 --> 00:07:51,503
Keps!
159
00:07:51,570 --> 00:07:53,737
That's it?
160
00:07:53,805 --> 00:07:57,875
If you wanted a bigger blessing,
you should've got a elephant.
161
00:07:59,845 --> 00:08:00,945
(clears throat)
162
00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:02,680
Now, let's see this trick.
163
00:08:02,748 --> 00:08:03,914
What trick?
164
00:08:03,982 --> 00:08:06,950
You know, the trick
that Elaine told me about.
165
00:08:07,018 --> 00:08:09,654
You know, Alex, the greatest
trick that a dog ever did,
166
00:08:09,722 --> 00:08:12,257
the one where you, you point
your finger like a gun
167
00:08:12,324 --> 00:08:14,058
and you shoot
Buddy the Wonder Dog
168
00:08:14,125 --> 00:08:16,293
and he staggers, as though
mortally wounded,
169
00:08:16,361 --> 00:08:17,462
and then he spins around
170
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:19,830
as if he's dying a slow,
agonizing death
171
00:08:19,898 --> 00:08:23,534
until he shudders, collapses,
breathes his last breath,
172
00:08:23,602 --> 00:08:24,869
falls over on his back,
173
00:08:24,937 --> 00:08:28,972
kicks all four legs
up into the air and dies.
174
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,342
Oh, that trick.
175
00:08:31,410 --> 00:08:34,212
No, uh, I-I think
it's been exaggerated.
176
00:08:34,279 --> 00:08:36,880
I mean, basically, what I do is
I point my finger at him
177
00:08:36,948 --> 00:08:38,515
and he just lies down
on the floor.
178
00:08:38,583 --> 00:08:40,684
All right, I'm flexible.
179
00:08:40,752 --> 00:08:43,421
Well, well, you see, I, I've
been trying to get him to do it
180
00:08:43,489 --> 00:08:45,189
all day, but somehow
I think he's forgotten it.
181
00:08:45,257 --> 00:08:47,425
But, you know, he's an old dog.
He's 19 years old.
182
00:08:47,492 --> 00:08:50,194
You know how old
that is in dog years?
183
00:08:50,262 --> 00:08:52,062
Yeah, that's about 600.
184
00:08:52,130 --> 00:08:53,664
It's 133.
185
00:08:53,732 --> 00:08:55,299
I said "about."
186
00:08:55,367 --> 00:08:56,467
(laughs)
187
00:08:56,535 --> 00:08:57,935
What about this trick, Alex?
188
00:08:58,003 --> 00:08:59,036
Huh?
189
00:08:59,104 --> 00:09:00,537
Are you trying to
change the subject?
190
00:09:00,605 --> 00:09:03,741
Okay, the trick.
191
00:09:03,809 --> 00:09:05,309
Yeah!
Okay.
192
00:09:05,377 --> 00:09:07,178
Come here, Buddy.
Come here.
193
00:09:07,245 --> 00:09:09,213
There,
just stay right there.
194
00:09:09,281 --> 00:09:10,448
Sit, sit, sit, sit.
195
00:09:10,515 --> 00:09:12,015
There's a good dog.
196
00:09:12,083 --> 00:09:13,684
Buddy, watch up now.
197
00:09:13,751 --> 00:09:16,087
(both chuckling)
198
00:09:16,154 --> 00:09:18,088
(hums "William Tell Overture")
199
00:09:21,226 --> 00:09:23,928
Return with us now to the
thrilling days of yesteryear.
200
00:09:23,996 --> 00:09:26,264
Look out, Buddy! There's one
on the roof behind you.
201
00:09:26,331 --> 00:09:27,264
Look out!
You can't see him!
202
00:09:27,332 --> 00:09:28,265
Oh! It's too late.
203
00:09:28,333 --> 00:09:30,268
Bang!
204
00:09:33,806 --> 00:09:37,408
Oh...
(sobs)
205
00:09:37,476 --> 00:09:38,542
What's wrong?
206
00:09:38,610 --> 00:09:41,478
Oh, Alex.
207
00:09:43,048 --> 00:09:46,283
You got such
a stupid beast!
208
00:09:50,922 --> 00:09:52,689
ALEX:
So what's the matterwith Buddy, Doc?
209
00:09:52,757 --> 00:09:56,027
Uh, Alex,
210
00:09:56,095 --> 00:10:00,497
a dog is like
an automobile.
211
00:10:00,565 --> 00:10:02,766
No matter how well
you take care of it,
212
00:10:02,834 --> 00:10:05,002
eventually, the parts
will wear out.
213
00:10:05,070 --> 00:10:06,637
It breaks down.
214
00:10:06,705 --> 00:10:08,873
Now, in a newer car,
it's usually just a,
215
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:11,942
just a fan belt
or a battery.
216
00:10:12,010 --> 00:10:15,245
But in an older car, it's more
likely to be something major,
217
00:10:15,313 --> 00:10:17,715
like the transmission.
218
00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:19,550
So what's wrong
with the dog, Doc?
219
00:10:19,618 --> 00:10:24,989
Is it a transmission
or do his paws need rotating?
220
00:10:25,057 --> 00:10:26,490
(laughing)
221
00:10:26,558 --> 00:10:28,492
Yes, that was a bad analogy.
222
00:10:31,696 --> 00:10:35,366
I think I should say
that a dog is, is like a wine.
223
00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:38,335
Yes, a French Burgundy,
224
00:10:38,403 --> 00:10:39,403
that has its
peak years...
225
00:10:39,471 --> 00:10:40,504
Doctor...
226
00:10:40,572 --> 00:10:41,906
...and then,
later on...
227
00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:44,142
Doctor, would you just tell
me when a dog is like a dog?
228
00:10:44,209 --> 00:10:49,680
In cold, stark terms, your dog
has advanced diabetes.
229
00:10:49,748 --> 00:10:52,115
His kidneys
are beginning to fail.
230
00:10:52,183 --> 00:10:57,155
He has some disorders of the
intestinal tract and bladder.
231
00:10:57,222 --> 00:11:00,257
I'm afraid
he hasn't much time left.
232
00:11:00,325 --> 00:11:02,293
How much time does he have?
233
00:11:02,361 --> 00:11:04,762
Well, I can't be sure.
234
00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:07,197
Could be two weeks.
Could be a month.
235
00:11:07,265 --> 00:11:08,666
(whimpers)
236
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:11,535
And as difficult as it is
for me to say this,
237
00:11:11,603 --> 00:11:15,072
the logical thing to do is
to put him to sleep now.
238
00:11:22,180 --> 00:11:23,847
Is he in pain?
239
00:11:23,915 --> 00:11:25,082
No.
240
00:11:25,150 --> 00:11:26,350
Then you're not going
to put him to sleep.
241
00:11:26,418 --> 00:11:29,586
I'm going to make his
life worth living.
242
00:11:31,957 --> 00:11:33,991
As long as there's
a breath left in this dog,
243
00:11:34,059 --> 00:11:35,860
you're not going
to put this dog to sleep.
244
00:11:35,927 --> 00:11:37,094
He's going to be
the happiest dog
245
00:11:37,162 --> 00:11:38,362
that ever walked the streets
of New York City,
246
00:11:38,429 --> 00:11:39,764
I'll tell you that.
247
00:11:39,831 --> 00:11:41,231
And I don't want to hear any
more about putting him to sleep.
248
00:11:41,299 --> 00:11:42,332
I don't want to
hear you mention
249
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:43,501
putting him to sleep.
You understand?
250
00:11:43,569 --> 00:11:45,035
Now, Mr. Reiger,
you're obviously upset.
251
00:11:45,103 --> 00:11:46,203
I am not upset,
252
00:11:46,271 --> 00:11:47,705
so don't call me upset!
253
00:11:47,773 --> 00:11:48,906
(growling)
254
00:11:48,974 --> 00:11:50,441
I'm in perfect control
of my faculties.
255
00:11:50,509 --> 00:11:52,209
I know exactly
what I'm doing.
256
00:11:54,579 --> 00:11:56,714
I know, I know!
I did it to amuse the dog.
257
00:11:56,782 --> 00:11:58,516
He happens to like humor.
258
00:11:58,583 --> 00:12:01,251
You love it, Buddy?
Come on, Buddy.
259
00:12:01,319 --> 00:12:03,387
You like funny stuff,
don't you?
260
00:12:08,393 --> 00:12:09,626
You want another doggie candy?
Want another doggie candy?
261
00:12:09,694 --> 00:12:11,094
(Buddy barks)
262
00:12:11,162 --> 00:12:12,764
Okay, but first you have to lie
dead; you have to lay dead.
263
00:12:12,831 --> 00:12:17,301
Come on, bang,
bang, bang.
264
00:12:17,368 --> 00:12:20,071
Oh, well, what the
hell? Have one.
265
00:12:21,406 --> 00:12:23,474
You like being alive,
don't you, Buddy, huh?
266
00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:25,343
Don't you? Yeah.
267
00:12:25,410 --> 00:12:27,978
No more till after
dinner; that's it.
268
00:12:29,481 --> 00:12:32,549
Stay there.
269
00:12:32,617 --> 00:12:34,718
No more of this cold dog food
straight out of the can
270
00:12:34,786 --> 00:12:37,254
for you, my friend.
Uh-uh!
271
00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:41,325
I'm warming it up for doggie.
272
00:12:41,393 --> 00:12:43,661
And a little cheese.
273
00:12:43,728 --> 00:12:45,262
A little wine.
274
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,001
Mmm, mmm!
275
00:12:51,069 --> 00:12:55,072
Oh, it's so good.
276
00:12:55,140 --> 00:12:56,774
You want to taste it?
277
00:12:56,841 --> 00:12:59,443
Here, taste this.
278
00:13:00,645 --> 00:13:02,947
What do you think? Hmm?
279
00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:05,149
A bit more oregano?
Just what I was thinking.
280
00:13:05,217 --> 00:13:07,250
(knocking at door)
281
00:13:08,886 --> 00:13:11,221
Oh, look who's here.
It's Shawn.
282
00:13:11,289 --> 00:13:12,689
Hi, Alex.
Hi, Shawn.
283
00:13:12,757 --> 00:13:14,792
Shawn, I don't think you
ever met my dog Buddy.
284
00:13:14,859 --> 00:13:17,628
Buddy, this is Shawn.
285
00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:19,997
She's going to be
around a lot more.
286
00:13:20,064 --> 00:13:22,199
I hope, I hope, I hope,
I hope, I hope.
287
00:13:22,267 --> 00:13:23,500
How about a kiss?
288
00:13:23,568 --> 00:13:25,035
Sure, he likes people.
289
00:13:25,103 --> 00:13:27,504
Hey!
Nah.
290
00:13:27,572 --> 00:13:29,506
Hey, come on.
Let me take your coat.
291
00:13:29,574 --> 00:13:31,408
And, uh, I'll put a record on.
292
00:13:31,476 --> 00:13:33,410
Ah!
293
00:13:35,814 --> 00:13:37,882
Ooh, this smells delicious.
294
00:13:37,949 --> 00:13:39,316
I didn't know you cooked.
295
00:13:41,820 --> 00:13:44,255
That stuff on the stove is,
uh, dog food.
296
00:13:44,322 --> 00:13:48,492
Don't be modest.
This is excellent.
297
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:50,961
No, really, it's dog food.
It's for my dog.
298
00:13:51,029 --> 00:13:53,130
It's my... Oh, no.
299
00:13:53,198 --> 00:13:57,134
It-it-it's...
That's for my dog.
300
00:13:57,202 --> 00:13:59,803
Oh, come on, Alex,
there's wine in here and...
301
00:13:59,871 --> 00:14:00,904
No, no, really.
302
00:14:00,972 --> 00:14:02,139
It's been heated
and seasoned.
303
00:14:02,207 --> 00:14:04,074
No, really, it... This
is the main ingredient.
304
00:14:04,142 --> 00:14:06,077
Dog food.
305
00:14:07,512 --> 00:14:09,981
Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on,
you liked it a minute ago.
306
00:14:10,048 --> 00:14:12,583
And, besides, there's
nothing disgusting in here.
307
00:14:12,650 --> 00:14:14,218
Just read it.
Look, here.
308
00:14:14,285 --> 00:14:17,954
Fish by-products,
artificial caramel coloring
309
00:14:18,022 --> 00:14:19,823
and pork organs.
310
00:14:19,891 --> 00:14:23,294
Oh, my...
311
00:14:23,361 --> 00:14:24,461
God.
312
00:14:24,529 --> 00:14:28,565
Nobody should eat
that stuff. Eh...
313
00:14:28,633 --> 00:14:30,635
No more of that stuff
for you, my doggie.
314
00:14:30,702 --> 00:14:32,469
No sirree, Bob!
315
00:14:32,537 --> 00:14:36,707
From now on, it's prime rib
and Chateaubriand and...
316
00:14:36,775 --> 00:14:38,375
Alex!
Huh?
317
00:14:38,443 --> 00:14:40,110
Oh, I'm sorry. Uh...
318
00:14:40,178 --> 00:14:41,412
(chuckles)
319
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,714
You see, my-my dog
is a very old dog.
320
00:14:43,781 --> 00:14:46,116
He's, uh... He hasn't
got much time left.
321
00:14:46,184 --> 00:14:48,152
He's probably got about
two weeks to a month
322
00:14:48,219 --> 00:14:51,221
and I just want
to make him happy.
323
00:14:51,289 --> 00:14:52,790
That's why your apartment
looks like
324
00:14:52,857 --> 00:14:54,858
a testing lab
for Hartz Mountain.
325
00:14:54,926 --> 00:14:56,327
Oh, hey, come on.
326
00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:57,995
Just because I'm trying
to make him happy
327
00:14:58,063 --> 00:14:59,496
doesn't mean I can't
make you happy.
328
00:14:59,564 --> 00:15:01,231
(chuckles)
Come on, sit down.
329
00:15:01,299 --> 00:15:04,401
Sit down.
330
00:15:04,469 --> 00:15:05,603
(growls)
331
00:15:05,670 --> 00:15:07,204
Oh, you look great.
You look great.
332
00:15:07,272 --> 00:15:08,472
Mmm...
333
00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:11,208
(whimpers)
334
00:15:11,276 --> 00:15:13,310
(smooches)
335
00:15:13,377 --> 00:15:15,212
(laughs)
336
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,949
Hey, I bet you there's a great
old movie on the tube tonight.
337
00:15:19,016 --> 00:15:20,951
Why can't we just
go out to a movie?
338
00:15:21,019 --> 00:15:23,387
Oh, no, no, no, I can't.
I can't leave him alone.
339
00:15:23,454 --> 00:15:25,055
He's got a weak bladder.
340
00:15:29,194 --> 00:15:32,529
You know, uh, Alex, we'd only
be gone a couple of hours.
341
00:15:32,597 --> 00:15:34,832
He couldn't possibly
do that much.
342
00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:36,934
Oh, yes, he could.
343
00:15:37,002 --> 00:15:39,670
Sometimes, when I come home,
there's a rainbow in here.
344
00:15:42,607 --> 00:15:45,141
Okay, okay, we
can watch TV.
345
00:15:45,209 --> 00:15:46,610
Oh, goody, goody, goody.
Did you hear that?
346
00:15:46,677 --> 00:15:47,711
We're going
to watch TV tonight, dog.
347
00:15:47,779 --> 00:15:49,279
(smooching, laughing)
348
00:15:49,347 --> 00:15:52,382
Ah, is there any particular
show that Buddy likes?
349
00:15:52,450 --> 00:15:54,484
Uh, yeah, actually he likes
the Letterman show,
350
00:15:54,552 --> 00:15:57,888
but he complains
about too many commercials.
351
00:15:57,955 --> 00:16:01,325
(Buddy whimpers)
352
00:16:01,393 --> 00:16:03,927
You know, Alex,
353
00:16:03,995 --> 00:16:07,764
I'm sorry I was a little
upset earlier, but, uh,
354
00:16:07,832 --> 00:16:10,501
I got to tell you,
eating dog food
355
00:16:10,569 --> 00:16:14,505
isn't exactly a great way
to start an evening.
356
00:16:14,573 --> 00:16:16,073
Hey, these are great!
357
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:19,143
Huh? Oh, no, uh...
358
00:16:19,210 --> 00:16:21,245
Yeah, that's-that's
what I've been told.
359
00:16:24,215 --> 00:16:25,416
You haven't tasted them?
360
00:16:25,483 --> 00:16:26,783
No, I-I...
Come on, try one.
361
00:16:26,851 --> 00:16:27,918
No, I-I...
362
00:16:27,985 --> 00:16:30,187
Come on. For me?
363
00:16:30,254 --> 00:16:32,055
(chuckling anxiously)
364
00:16:32,123 --> 00:16:34,859
No, I-I don't
really like them.
365
00:16:34,926 --> 00:16:36,026
I...
Come on, Alex.
366
00:16:36,094 --> 00:16:37,761
Ah, nah... Oh.
367
00:16:37,829 --> 00:16:39,830
(chuckling)
368
00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:41,832
Have another.
Whoo.
369
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:45,068
No, no...
370
00:16:45,136 --> 00:16:46,337
(Buddy whimpers)
371
00:16:46,405 --> 00:16:48,605
I'm sorry. You can't
have any of these, Buddy.
372
00:16:48,673 --> 00:16:51,408
These are people food.
373
00:16:51,476 --> 00:16:53,744
Oh, hi, how's Buddy?
374
00:16:53,812 --> 00:16:55,779
Well, look for yourself.
He's a new dog.
375
00:16:55,846 --> 00:16:58,348
See how frisky he is?
Frisk, frisk, frisk, frisk.
376
00:16:58,416 --> 00:16:59,850
(chuckles)
377
00:16:59,918 --> 00:17:00,851
What's that dog doing here
again, Reiger?
378
00:17:00,919 --> 00:17:02,052
Uh, look, Louie, uh...
379
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:04,288
When I'm driving around
in the cab all day,
380
00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:06,123
well, that's eight hours
that I'm not with him,
381
00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:08,459
so, uh, I want to take him
in the cab with me, okay?
382
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:09,660
Forget it.
383
00:17:09,727 --> 00:17:12,529
Look, I got a suggestion.
You wanna hear it?
384
00:17:12,597 --> 00:17:13,731
Yeah.
385
00:17:13,799 --> 00:17:15,032
Why don't you take him in
for a shot
386
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,733
of "go to sleep, my doggie"?
387
00:17:16,801 --> 00:17:18,569
Oh, no.
Louie, no.
388
00:17:18,636 --> 00:17:20,804
ELAINE:
Louie...
389
00:17:20,872 --> 00:17:22,973
Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
390
00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:24,708
What about Marino?
Remember him?
391
00:17:24,776 --> 00:17:26,577
You let him take his dog
in the cab.
392
00:17:26,644 --> 00:17:28,612
That was different.
393
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:30,347
It was a Seeing Eye dog.
394
00:17:30,415 --> 00:17:32,249
Marino was blind?!
395
00:17:32,317 --> 00:17:33,784
Legally blind.
396
00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:35,552
He could still sort of see.
397
00:17:35,620 --> 00:17:37,588
The dog barked at red lights.
398
00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:38,922
It was during the strike.
399
00:17:38,990 --> 00:17:41,024
I tried it out for a week.
It didn't work.
400
00:17:44,095 --> 00:17:46,797
Well, if you can't
bend the rules a little,
401
00:17:46,865 --> 00:17:49,066
I'll just have
to take a leave of absence.
402
00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:50,367
Come on, Alex.
No, Alex.
403
00:17:50,435 --> 00:17:51,435
What're you going to do,
start missing paychecks
404
00:17:51,503 --> 00:17:52,503
for the dog now?
405
00:17:52,570 --> 00:17:54,404
I don't care!
I made a promise to Buddy
406
00:17:54,472 --> 00:17:55,839
and I'm going to keep it.
407
00:17:55,907 --> 00:18:00,010
Alex, look, it's perfectly
all right that, you know,
408
00:18:00,078 --> 00:18:02,179
you want him to live out his
natural life and everything,
409
00:18:02,247 --> 00:18:04,215
I mean, and it's wonderful
that you want him to be happy,
410
00:18:04,282 --> 00:18:07,084
but don't you think you're
getting a little excessive?
411
00:18:07,152 --> 00:18:08,552
You're saying I should
put this dog to sleep?
412
00:18:08,619 --> 00:18:10,554
No!
No, we love Buddy.
413
00:18:10,622 --> 00:18:11,555
Why not?
414
00:18:12,924 --> 00:18:15,926
Look, the dog is senile, Reiger.
415
00:18:15,993 --> 00:18:17,428
I mean, look at him.
416
00:18:17,496 --> 00:18:19,329
His brain has turned to Alpo.
417
00:18:21,132 --> 00:18:22,566
LOUIE:
Reiger,
418
00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:25,435
look, maybe you don't want to
face the truth about Buddy,
419
00:18:25,503 --> 00:18:28,305
but look, look, that dog
doesn't even know where he is.
420
00:18:28,373 --> 00:18:29,573
How do you know that?
421
00:18:29,641 --> 00:18:32,309
How does anyone know that?
422
00:18:32,376 --> 00:18:36,179
How can anyone say when to...
when you put a dog to sleep?
423
00:18:36,247 --> 00:18:38,916
How can anyone say
if the dog is alert or not?
424
00:18:38,983 --> 00:18:42,185
There's no way to find out
what's in that head right now.
425
00:18:42,253 --> 00:18:43,687
Except one.
Except one!
426
00:18:43,754 --> 00:18:45,388
What? What?
427
00:18:45,456 --> 00:18:49,292
Have Buddy do that trick.
428
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:53,330
Very interesting idea.
429
00:18:53,397 --> 00:18:56,100
Let's see him do the trick.
430
00:19:01,706 --> 00:19:03,908
Okay, he'll do the trick.
431
00:19:03,975 --> 00:19:05,609
Alex, you know he couldn't...
No. Come on.
432
00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:07,077
No, he'll do the trick.
433
00:19:09,814 --> 00:19:11,081
If he doesn't do it,
434
00:19:11,149 --> 00:19:13,149
I'll walk out of here
right now with the dog.
435
00:19:13,217 --> 00:19:15,619
But if he does it, he
goes with me in my cab.
436
00:19:15,687 --> 00:19:17,421
And what's more,
I'll let him drive.
437
00:19:21,158 --> 00:19:23,994
I know you can do it.
438
00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:27,064
(whimpers)
439
00:19:27,131 --> 00:19:31,268
(hums "William Tell Overture")
440
00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:33,703
Return with us now to the
thrilling days of yesteryear.
441
00:19:33,771 --> 00:19:38,175
That's five aces
you got there, partner.
442
00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:40,944
You know what we do to cheats
in Dodge City, don't you?
443
00:19:41,011 --> 00:19:42,112
(whimpers)
444
00:19:42,180 --> 00:19:43,279
Up.
445
00:19:43,347 --> 00:19:45,415
You... Bang!
446
00:19:51,256 --> 00:19:53,323
All right! Yes!
Yay, Buddy!
447
00:19:53,391 --> 00:19:55,492
ELAINE: That's the best...
TONY: All right, Alex.
448
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,528
He did it.
449
00:20:00,498 --> 00:20:01,632
Dog did it.
450
00:20:01,699 --> 00:20:03,867
(whimpers)
451
00:20:07,137 --> 00:20:10,240
That is the best
dog trick ever.
452
00:20:10,308 --> 00:20:14,178
I've never seen
anything so convincing.
453
00:20:20,150 --> 00:20:21,619
Uh-oh.
454
00:20:30,428 --> 00:20:31,695
Buddy? Buddy!
455
00:20:34,098 --> 00:20:38,701
Buddy? Buddy.
456
00:20:38,769 --> 00:20:40,571
Good dog.
(whimpers)
457
00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:42,873
Oh! Oh, Buddy!
458
00:20:44,475 --> 00:20:47,411
(laughing)
459
00:20:47,478 --> 00:20:49,079
You did it!
You did it!
460
00:20:49,147 --> 00:20:51,515
(smooches, laughs)
461
00:20:51,582 --> 00:20:53,783
I'll be taking
cab 134, Lou.
462
00:20:53,851 --> 00:20:56,987
See you guys after
the shift for a beer.
463
00:20:57,055 --> 00:20:58,889
Come on, Buddy,
we'll split the tips.
464
00:21:07,899 --> 00:21:09,099
What are you doing
back here?
465
00:21:09,166 --> 00:21:11,034
You still got four hours
left on your shift.
466
00:21:11,102 --> 00:21:13,136
Yeah, well,
I'm quitting early.
467
00:21:13,204 --> 00:21:15,305
You're quitting early?!
468
00:21:15,373 --> 00:21:18,141
You know, Reiger,
ever since I let you
469
00:21:18,209 --> 00:21:19,843
take that mutt in the cab,
470
00:21:19,910 --> 00:21:22,412
you been breaking rules
right and left.
471
00:21:23,981 --> 00:21:26,049
Where is the old fleabag?
472
00:21:26,117 --> 00:21:28,051
He died.
473
00:21:31,689 --> 00:21:34,024
He died?
474
00:21:34,092 --> 00:21:37,561
You mean he
died in the cab?
475
00:21:37,629 --> 00:21:39,997
No, Louie,
he died at the vet's.
476
00:21:40,065 --> 00:21:42,866
He was asleep
in the cab and, uh...
477
00:21:42,934 --> 00:21:45,935
I stopped off to get myself
a cup of coffee
478
00:21:46,003 --> 00:21:48,739
and, uh, him a donut...
479
00:21:48,807 --> 00:21:52,309
And when he woke up,
he didn't look too good,
480
00:21:52,377 --> 00:21:54,745
so I rushed him over
to the vet's.
481
00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:56,980
And he died?
482
00:21:57,048 --> 00:21:58,782
Yeah.
483
00:21:58,849 --> 00:22:00,350
Oh. God.
484
00:22:00,418 --> 00:22:02,318
Oh...
485
00:22:02,386 --> 00:22:03,587
I don't know
what to say.
486
00:22:03,655 --> 00:22:04,855
I don't know
what to do.
487
00:22:04,922 --> 00:22:07,224
I'm so awkward in
these situations.
488
00:22:09,060 --> 00:22:13,263
Um, uh, Reiger's
got to be alone!
489
00:22:13,331 --> 00:22:15,199
Every-Everybody,
out of here.
490
00:22:15,266 --> 00:22:17,367
Come on, come on, let's
show a little sensitivity.
491
00:22:17,435 --> 00:22:18,702
Get your butts
out of here!
492
00:22:18,770 --> 00:22:19,970
Come on. Come on.
493
00:22:20,038 --> 00:22:21,872
Come on, come on.
Go on, go on, go on.
494
00:22:25,343 --> 00:22:26,776
Let me buy you a
cup of coffee.
495
00:22:26,844 --> 00:22:28,611
I have a cup of coffee.
496
00:22:28,679 --> 00:22:29,780
Well, let me give you
the quarter back.
497
00:22:29,847 --> 00:22:31,548
I don't want your quarter.
498
00:22:31,616 --> 00:22:33,450
Let-Let me buy you
another cup of coffee.
499
00:22:33,518 --> 00:22:34,617
Louie, please.
500
00:22:34,685 --> 00:22:35,985
I'm a big boy.
501
00:22:36,053 --> 00:22:37,821
It wasn't like he
was a human being.
502
00:22:37,888 --> 00:22:41,291
He was a dog; just a dog.
And the dog died.
503
00:22:41,358 --> 00:22:43,292
Yeah.
504
00:22:44,863 --> 00:22:46,063
All right.
505
00:22:46,130 --> 00:22:51,167
I'll go call them and
get them back in here.
506
00:23:19,931 --> 00:23:21,865
(sniffles, cries)
507
00:23:38,182 --> 00:23:41,818
(theme song playing)
508
00:24:02,707 --> 00:24:04,140
WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!
509
00:24:04,208 --> 00:24:05,242
(man grumbling)
35183
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