Original subtitles

(theme song playing)

(static crackles)

CINDY (over radio): Louie, Louie, Louie, where are you, Louie?

Why don't you help me, Louie?

Why don't you answer me, Louie?

Where are you, Louie?

Yeah, Bates, this is Louie.

How's it goin', kiddo?

I had an accident. I hit some ice

and I spun off the road.

I can't get the cab started.

The window's broken, and I'm freezing.

I'm on an unmarked country road.

I got off at the Rocks Hill exit of the Garden State Parkway.

I don't know where I am.

Louie...

All right, okay, Bates, Bates, calm down here.

Now, how do you expect me to help you if you're hysterical?

I'm sorry. You're right, Louie.

Okay, okay, Louie.

I'm calm.

All right, that's better.

Now, let's think.

She's doomed.

Louie, I know where this woman is.

Is right near the farm where Simka and I

buy our goat knuckles.

So? So, I want to go and bring her back.

No, no, no, Latka, I can't let you go.

It's too dangerous.

Let him go, Louie. Let him go.

Louie, please, I'm so...

(static crackles)

Bates! Bates!

Ah, her radio just quit.

Latka, you can't go out there. It's too dangerous.

No, no, listen, where I come from,

we live every day with danger.

We laugh at danger.

Ha, ha, ha.

You call... you call this danger-- a little snow?

Ha, come on. Where are the wolves?

Where are the wild boars?

Where are the avalanches?

Where are my mittens?

(wind howling) (Latka moaning)

(moaning continues)

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Are you Cindy Bates?

Yes!

Of the Sunshine Cab Company?

Yes! Yes!

Never hurts to check, you know.

(chuckles) All right.

Oh, oh, oh... What are you doing? I'm freezing.

Let's just go get in your tow truck and get out of here. (moaning)

Oh, that would be terrific if we could,

but, you see, it's buried in a snowbank three miles back.

(resumes moaning)

Well, maybe you could do something with this cab?

I-I'll take a look.

(engine sputters)

(grunts)

Oh, I think I know what the problem is.

What?

Winter.

(grunts)

Oh, come on, turn that frown upside down.

I'm freezing.

You want my coat?

All right. Here.

(moaning)

Oh, I hope it is the right size for you.

Oh, oh, here.

Oh, here you go.

(continues moaning)

Oh!

(spitting)

(continues moaning)

Y-You want my scarf?

Here.

(resumes moaning)

What?

All right.

Here you go.

Oh!

(moaning)

Oh!

Thank you. You're welcome.

It's no good. Why?

We're still going to freeze to death

with the wind coming through that broken window.

No problem.

(moaning)

(continues moaning)

(continues moaning)

That should do it.

I feel terrible that you're going to freeze to death to save me.

I am?

We could share your coat.

Okay, thank you.

That's very nice of you.

Oh, yeah.

(moaning)

Latka? What?

Am I paranoid, or are we going to freeze to death?

What does "paranoid" mean?

Is it just my imagination?

Is it just a strange thought?

Oh, no, no, no, you're not paranoid.

Don't worry, we're going to freeze to death.

We are?

Yes, we are. It is unavoidable.

But, but you know what is the terrible thing?

I am going to be brave in the face of death

and my wife won't ever know.

She'll think I died the sniveling coward that I lived.

Don't, don't give up yet, Latka.

We have to do something, and fast.

I'm beginning to get numb.

Oh, but... but what can we do?

(wind howling, Latka moaning)

(mutters) We can have sex.

I'm sorry. I cannot hear too well.

I stood too close to the cannon at my father's funeral.

No, no, no.

You... no, you were hearing right.

The heat from our bodies will help us to survive.

Yeah, but I can't. I'm a married man.

This is too perfect.

I actually get to die from rejection.

Oh, no, no, no, is not personal.

Is nothing personal. I am a married man.

It's a very simple choice, Latka.

Either you have sex with me or you freeze to death.

Sex, death...

Sex, death, hmm...

Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?

Now, that's wonderful.

Yes. Thank you for calling.

The state police found them, and they're all right.

(applause and cheering)

Thank you.

I feel complete.

I feel wanted.

I've joined the family.

What are you talking about, Jim?

"Dear Jim Ignatowski, we are pleased to welcome you

"as a member of our family of satisfied MasterCard holders.

(Elaine chuckles)

Your card will arrive shortly."

Family. Yeah.

A family.

I've joined the family.

Me. Jim Ignatowski.

ALEX: Nah...

No, no, Jim, you see, in this case

"family" is being used in a sort of, uh...

Well, it's a figure of speech.

I mean, uh, it's a kind of a cute advertising way of...

Don't badmouth my family, Alex.

(mouthing)

Hey! Our hero!

(excited greetings)

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Please, Elaine, I have no more to give.

Can I please talk to you alone?

I have a troubled soul.

What is it? What is it? What is it?

Hey, this is private!

What is it, Latka? What's, what's, what's, what's wrong?

I, I have been... You're considered a hero here.

Don't you know that?

I am not a hero.

I am a stinkbug.

I have been unfaithful to Simka.

What? Come here.

What-what are you talking about?

It-it, it happened when Cindy and I

were waiting to be rescued. Yeah.

This will destroy Simka.

I-I don't know what should I do?

Well, uh...

You're not going to tell her, are you?

I have to.

She knows me so well, she will know.

Believe me. No, no, no, no, Latka,

you can't hurt her just so

you should feel a little less guilty.

I mean, the bigger thing here is to... is to spare Simka.

I mean, it was a one and one time only thing, right?

I mean, it's not going to happen again, is it?

Eh... Is it?

No, no. Good, good.

Yeah, that's right.

Th-The only decent thing to do is to deceive her.

Whew! What a relief.

Wait a minute.

How am I going to explain the scratches on my back?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, that's right.

They were on her back.

I am lucky that you are coming over to my house

for dinner tonight.

Huh? Oh, wow.

I almost forgot about that.

Uh, hey, but under the circumstances...

Under the circumstances if I'm going to deceive her,

everything has to look normal.

She's expecting you, you come.

Come on.

(door unlocking)

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Latka!

I'm so happy. I...

You did it with another woman!

Simka, darling...

Don't "darling" me.

Who is she?

Who was the lowlife that would let you

have your way with her?

Well, listen, I'll just run along now.

I've got to... So soon?

You just got here.

Yes, you see, in our country

we have manners.

The most important thing is the guest.

Forget that our lives are falling apart.

The damn guest must come first.

Here, damn guest.

Now, you have no problems.

Eat hearty!

And you!

I want names!

Who is she?!

I don't know what you're talking about.

SIMKA: Oh...

Really?

Yes. Latka...

What?

Look me in the eye.

If you can look me in the eye and tell me

that you did not have fleshy union with another woman,

I will believe you.

I did not have fleshy union with another woman.

Ha!

Okay, I did. I am sorry.

Please forgive me.

Oh, my God! Simka, it was nothing, really, it was...

But you don't understand the reason why I did...

Simka, but... Oh, my God!

But listen, you must understand.

I'll just grab a burger on my way home.

You don't have to worry about me.

Please, you are making the guest uncomfortable.

No, no, no,

hey, hey, hey...

Oh, oh, excuse me.

The damn guest is uncomfortable?

Oh, are you uncomfortable?

No, not really.

Then sit down!

Now, you see? The damn guest is happy.

Okay, Latka...

maybe there is something that I don't understand.

Why did you do it?

This better be darn good.

I did it for you.

Go on.

Or are those the last words you will ever say?

I... I thought I was never going to see you again.

It was below freezing,

and it was the only way we could keep warm.

We might have died.

That's true. That's true.

In-In the garage he's considered a hero.

Oh.

But really, i-it's the only reason.

It was just to save our lives.

Simka, it-it was you I was kissing.

It was you I was caressing.

It was you I was...

Eh...

Take my word for it, it was you.

Okay.

(sighs) What I am going to do now

is I am going to pack a bag so that you can go and spend

the rest of your life someplace else.

Oh, no. Uh...

But Simk... No.

Packing a bag for Latka!

Simka, no... Simka, please.

Is not necessary.

Hey, hey, come on, Simka.

(yelling in native language)

Come on, Simka, think it over, Simka.

(muttering in native language) You guys can talk about it...

Let's talk about it.

Come on, it can't be that serious. (dishes breaking)

Well, listen, I've overstayed my welcome here. (screams)

I'll be seeing you guys.

Good night. Please. Let me go. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Listen, if you leave, she might stop hiding her anger.

(shrieks)

No, no, Latka, let him go.

It was just lovely having you.

Next time, bring some of your damn friends.

Okay, good night, you guys. I, uh...

Listen, uh, you know,

I-I feel kind of funny because, well, I can see

you're having some minor difficulties

that might affect your future, but, uh, I just want you to know

that I-I think you're both great.

And Simka, I know you love Latka.

If you just talk to him calmly,

there'll be nothing to wor...

Simka, do you really want me to go?

I don't know what I want.

Latka, we must go to the priest.

You must confess your sin

and whatever he advises, we must obey.

I'm sorry I hurt you.

Yeah, well, let's not talk anymore.

(knocking at door)

(speaking native language)

Ah, Latka, Simka.

(speaking native language)

(speaking native language)

(speaking native language)

(speaking native language)

(knock at door)

(speaks native language)

(speaks native language) Hello, Latka, Simka.

Please forgive the intrusion.

This will only take a moment.

(whispers indistinctly)

I happened to run into some ladies who missed the bus,

and, uh, they expressed a desire

to visit the church and see Reverend Gorky.

Ibida.

Good.

Come in, ladies.

Make yourselves at home.

Excellent.

(speaking native language)

He wants to know if you would like to see an unburdening.

It's our religion's equivalent of a confession.

Sure.

Mascha? Eh...

I, I don't know if this is such a hot idea.

What I have to confess is of a deepest, most personal nature.

(whispers)

(speaking native language)

"Providence has brought them.

"There is no accidents.

You shall stay."

All right.

(speaking native language)

(laughing)

He says he hopes Reverend Gorky

won't be shocked by anything he has to say.

(speaking native language)

Reverend Gorky says Latka cannot shock him.

(speaking native language)

He has already heard a man who raised his voice to his mother.

(Gorky speaking native language)

Another who gave false coin to gain admission to the subway.

(speaking native language)

So how bad can it be?

(speaking native language)

He said, "I am troubled and seek your wisdom."

(speaking native language)

"I had meaningless sex with a woman from the garage."

(speaking native language)

"I have been unfaithful to my wife and a disgrace

to my family."

(wailing in native language)

"I only want for things to be the way they were

"between Simka and me and, for Simka to forgive me

and to save our marriage."

Ibida, Gorky!

Ibida! Ibida! Ibida!

"Please help us, Reverend Gorky.

Please, please, please."

And now I believe the Reverend Gorky

will impart his sage and profound wisdom

and counsel the sinner.

(deep voice): Latka.

(imitating Gorky): "Latka."

(speaking native language)

This is most fascinating.

He says since Latka sinned with someone he worked with,

Simka must sin with someone she works with.

(speaking native language)

But Simka doesn't work.

(speaking native language)

So Simka must sin with someone Latka works with.

(speaking native language)

And now we must leave them alone.

You see what we must do now,

just because you did not want to die?

You mean, you are going to go through with this?

Latka--

we are religious people.

We are orthodox.

Our church has told us what we must do,

and we must obey if we are to remain married.

You mean to tell me

you are going to sleep with one of my friends?

Baby, you're the greatest.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)