Original subtitles

(theme song playing)

Hello, Arlene.

Hello, Jose.

Hello, Dwayne.

Hello, Billy.

Hello, Ruby.

A man is nothing without friends.

Boy, are you in a good mood

today. Yes.

You know that nagging

multiple personalities problem I had?

TONY: Yeah. Yeah.

It is gone. I am cured.

You sure, Latka?

Yes.

I knew you would be skeptical,

so I brought my therapist so she could meet you.

Yeah? (chuckles)

Please... therapist.

It's probably a witch doctor.

ALEX: This guy goes to a therapist like...

Look what you gave me-- three twos.

ELAINE: Yikes!

This is Elaine.

Hello.

Hello. I'm Dr. Joyce Brothers.

And this is Tony.

Hi, Tony.

And this is Alex.

Well, hello there.

Nice to meet you, Alex.

It is! It is!

It's Dr. Joyce Brothers!

I got to thank you.

You helped me get through puberty.

Dr. Brothers, sit down, please.

I'd love to, thank you.

Join us.

Latka loves you all so much.

He wanted me to meet you.

How did you come to treat Latka?

Well, I was on a phone-in talk show, and Latka called.

Since I'd never treated his particular

dissociative personality disorder before,

I offered to see him regularly.

Huh. DR. BROTHERS: I am

very confident that Latka has the situation under control.

All right, Latka. Way to go, Doc! Fantastic!

Way to go! Oh, we're so grateful to you, Dr. Brothers.

Well, thank you.

Come on. I will show you where I work.

I'd love to see it.

TONY: This is great. Sit down.

(growling)

DR. BROTHERS: I'd best be going.

Latka, you have my telephone number.

Use it whenever you want to speak to me.

Nice meeting all of you.

ELAINE: Nice to see you. Yeah.

LATKA: Bye-bye.

ALEX: Dr. Brothers.

Dr. Joyce Brothers?

That's right.

Whoo!

(clears throat)

I have a question to ask you.

What is it?

Are you visiting the garage,

or am I on The Merv Griffin show?

We're in the garage.

That's too bad.

'Cause I have a story

that Merv would've loved.

Oh, Latka, it's so good

to have you back with us full time.

Yeah. Latka.

Come on, sit down.

TONY: Latka!

You know, eh, Dr. Brothers told me it's okay now.

I can lead a normal life,

and, uh, I can go to the job, and I can make new friends.

As a matter of fact,

I am going to ask Simka to marry me.

Yeah! Yeah! That's wonderful.

I love her. She...

ELAINE: Ooh, now, wait a minute.

How come you don't look happier?

Because I am not American,

where the wedding is nothing but a celebration

for two people to being together.

Simka and I are orthodox.

By tradition, demands

that we go through from the proposal

to the last moment of the ceremony--

we have to go through a series of tests.

And if we fail even

one test, we never to be married.

TONY: You're kidding. So, why do you guys

put up with this? LATKA: Well, because

in my country, there is a belief, and rightly so,

that the only thing that separates us

from the animals are mindless superstition

and pointless rituals.

Well, I don't care what you say, Latka.

I think it's great you're getting married.

Yeah. Me, too. Me, too. Yeah! Great. It's great.

ELAINE: Fantastic.

Good. Then you can be my Gewirtzal.

Your Gewirtzal? Yes.

I'd be proud to be your Gewirtzal.

What is that? Like a best man?

No, it is the one who has to propose for me.

Oh.

Usually it's an old hag or a leper or the village idiot.

But you'll do in a pinch.

Latka, I just hope I remember everything.

I mean, I had to learn a lot of, uh,

ancient ritual in just one week.

Hmm. Don't worry.

You'll be fine.

Once Simka knows that you are proposing,

she will know what to do, and she will help you.

Yeah, I hope so. (knocking)

Hey, wait a minute.

She's early, isn't she?

That's early, isn't it?

Yes.

Uh, listen, Latka, uh... I, uh...

Good luck, uh, to both of us.

Hello, Latka.

I'm ready for our date.

Hello, Simka.

I have a special surprise for you.

Oh, boy. What is it?

I will show it to you now.

Oh, goody.

(clears throat)

That's it?

You're just going to grepse at me?

(banging, bells jingling)

Uh... iska bedesko, iska bedasko.

(sighs)

(speaking native language)

(yelling)

Bushky, bushky.

Da.

Oh.

Oh.

Yiskuk. Yiskuk.

Yis... kuk!

Uh... Uh, Simka, I, uh...

I-I really don't know your language,

so, uh, I'm gonna have to do the rest in English.

Is that all right?

Oh, that's okay.

You do it in any language you want.

I'm just glad you're not a leper.

There is our fine young prince.

You have to sing it.

Sing it? I can't sing it.

You have to. You have to do it beautiful,

or else she won't accept.

I can't sing. You have to.

I can't! Sing it.

ALEX: Oy...

(whimpering)

¶ There is a fine young prince ¶

¶ He has mounted Cossacks... ¶

I am going to die a bachelor.

Oh, Simka, Simka, listen to me.

Latka is the... is...

He's the hardest-working, most sincere,

most loving man I've ever met.

Have you ever noticed how his face lights up

just when you walk in a room?

If-If you marry Latka,

your lives will be very happy, because you love each other,

and you're both sweet, wonderful people.

And he'll be devoted to you for the rest of your life.

Simka,

I've never met two people

more suited to each other than you and Latka.

What do you say?

What do you say?

You... You have grabbed the nose of the Gewirtzal

and made me the happiest man alive.

And you?

Of course.

(knocking at door)

Oh. Continue to wait.

SIMKA: Okay.

Mama, you will give us your blessing tonight,

won't you?

Latka, you know better.

It all depends on how she reacts

when I tell her the murzik.

You are still waiting?

SIMKA: You betcha.

Ah.

Latka, go now.

You know, no man has ever been allowed

to hear what I'm about to tell her.

Hmm.

Simka Dahblitz?

Greta Gravas?

So, you want to marry my Latka?

Yes, Mrs. Gravas.

Oh, I love him!

Love. (laughs)

Mrs. Gravas,

I want so much to marry Latka,

and I want

so much to hear the wisdom of my culture.

Please, tell me the murzik.

Listen carefully to me, my child.

I will tell you the murzik.

Men are nothing but lazy lumps of drunken flesh.

They crowd you in bed, get you all worked up,

and then before you can say, "Is that all there is?"

that's all there is.

They pass out smokes

when you are still whimpering from pain of delivery.

Your flaxen hair will become like dead grass,

and your once firm breasts

will fall to the floor.

Thank you.

I will store that away.

Do you still want to marry my son Latka?

Almost more than ever.

Very well.

But before I can give you my blessing

to marry my beloved son,

you must first kiss your mother-in-law

on the cheek.

Okay.

(grunts)

(sighs)

You cannot walk on my son's furniture.

(sighs)

You won't bend?

Mothers-in-law are forbidden

by tradition to bend.

(groans)

(traditional music plays)

This place certainly looks more cheerful.

I hardly recognize it.

Yeah, well I do.

Be it ever so humble, there's no place like hell.

A sense of humor can cushion you

from the harsh realities of life.

It can also make you seem like a real bummer.

Don't take me seriously.

I'm flirting with you.

Oh.

Of course, I'm happily married,

but an innocent flirtation can be harmless and pleasant,

and can reinforce our sexual identities.

She's fun when she lets her hair down, isn't she?

Hey, I can't believe it.

After all the problems,

Latka and Simka are finally gonna get married.

What a great day this must be for them, huh?

ALEX: Yeah. Geez.

(women crying) Salud.

Oh, my gosh.

Excuse me, can I ask you a question? Certainly.

Well, why are those women so unhappy?

Oh, they are lamenting the bride's future

as slave to her husband

and the groom's burden of family responsibility

which will eventually crush him.

You must be Latka's American friends. Mm-hmm.

Yes. I am Mascha from Latka's country.

Hey, Masch, how are ya?

Nice to meet ya.

What about your accent?

Oh, I live in London

where I work as a weatherman for the BBC.

I'll be translating the ceremony.

Do you have any questions?

Uh, I can't think of any.

What about "What is the most unusual thing

about our ceremony?"

Well, that's a good one.

The most unusual thing is

that it is rather a test than a ceremony.

Um, if the bride and groom fail

to answer any of the key questions,

they can never be married.

ALEX: Hmm. Well, thanks for asking.

(man shouting)

Aha, the priest is ready.

Would everybody please be seated?

Let the wedding of Latka and Simka begin.

The Honorable H.L. Gorki presiding.

(accordion plays traditional tune)

And now the bride.

¶

Oh, she looks so beautiful in her costume.

You're not gonna cry.

I don't think I can help it, Alex.

MASCHA: To truly understand the feelings

and emotions of their mate,

the bride and groom must marry

in each other's clothes.

And now the groom.

¶

You don't know how long I have waited

to see you in your father's wedding dress.

The priest...

will now place a crown of rue

on the bride's head.

If she can walk amongst us

without it falling,

she will be proven a virgin,

and the ceremony may continue.

My beloved family and friends...

this was just a horrible accident.

You must believe

that never have I,

this innocent, untried girl,

ever been with a man.

Never have I felt a man's warm,

moist lips pressing

against my waiting mouth.

Nor have I felt the hot flesh

of a lover...

turning at night,

his muscular arm resting against my stomach,

my breath coming quick,

senses heightened,

the air humid...

Simka!

Simka!

Oh.

I'm finished.

(priest speaking native language)

(sneezing)

The priest has given his blessing...

...and has signaled

for the ritual of questions to begin.

Abee.

Question number one.

(speaking native language)

Who is it who is not your brother...

(speaking native language)

...yet he is your father's son?

(speaking native language)

(speaking native language)

It is me.

Ibbida. That is right!

(cheering and applause)

(priest speaking native language)

MASCHA: Number two.

(speaking native language)

MASCHA: What is the greatest gift

one person can give to another?

(speaking native language)

She said $5,100.

(all sighing)

(speaking native language)

Ibbida.

MASCHA: That is right.

(cheering and applause)

(speaking native language)

You now have two right.

(speaking native language)

Get this next one right...

(priest speaking native language)

...and I can pronounce you man and wife.

(speaking native language)

And the joyful dance of the plumitz will begin.

Latka!

Latka!

Latka!

(speaking native language)

There is a beautiful baby.

(priest speaking native language)

MASCHA: And there is Simka.

(speaking native language)

(speaking native language)

(speaking native language)

A wild boar is charging.

(speaking native language)

You can save only one.

(speaking native language)

Who do you save?

(whispering)

The kid.

(overlapping chatter) LOUIE: Yourself!

(clamoring)

Latka?

(clamoring stops)

Uh...

(speaking native language)

...Simka.

(speaking native language)

(priest speaking native language)

That was the wrong answer.

You have failed the test.

There will be no wedding.

Grechnipa. Good-bye.

(all moaning)

Wait! I will not allow this!

What do some ancient questions have to do

with two people who love each other?

Latka's my life.

If you will not marry us,

then we will marry someplace else.

We must be together.

(whispering)

(speaking native language)

That is exactly what the priest wanted to hear.

(priest speaking native language)

MASCHA: That was the final test.

(speaking native language)

One of them had to stand up

and demand to be married.

Latka, Simka...

(speaking native language)

May the stars shine upon you.

(priest speaking native language)

And grant you many children.

(priest speaking native language)

You are now husband and wife.

(all cheering)

PRIEST: Plumitz!

Plumitz, plumitz, plumitz!

(sprightly accordion tune plays)

(rhythmic clapping)

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)