Original subtitles

(theme song playing)

So, what are you gonna do about your problem, Reiger?

What?

What are you talking about, my problem?

Latka's girlfriend is coming back.

Who else is gonna tell her

that he's become the Three Faces of Weird?

You know, Louie, Louie, even for you,

there's gotta be a more sensitive and caring way

to refer to someone who suffers

from multiple personality.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I was talking about the gentleman

who suffers from...

(babbling)

ALEX: Latka...

how many times have you shaved today?

Eh, twice on my face and once on my back.

I want to look good for Simka.

(clears throat)

Have you, uh, a girlfriend, Latka?

Oh, yeah, she's a girl from Latka's country.

And when she first came to America,

she and Latka were dating each other for a while.

Yeah, then I let her slip away.

Boy, what a fool I was.

I'm sorry that she left before I told her I love her.

Latka, are you gonna tell her you love her now?

I will not make

the same mistake again. Good.

She is the girl for me in the whole world.

Good, good.

Yeah, excuse me, Elaine.

I'm sorry, but she's better than American women.

I don't even like American women.

I have a good reason, too.

What's that?

They don't give me the time of day.

Oh.

Latka, you know, you ought to get rid

of all that tissue paper on your face.

You know, what you need to use is a styptic pencil instead.

Styptic pencil?

Styptic pencil.

Where will I find one?

Here, use mine.

No, no, no, Jim, Jim, Jim!

He needs a styptic pencil, not--

By golly, that's a styptic pencil.

I will try it.

Why are you carrying a styptic pencil in your ear?

Well, in light of what just happened,

a better question is, "Why aren't you?"

Hey!

Hey! Oh!

Is-Is Latka here?

Oh, yeah, and he's dying to see you. Mm-hmm!

Yeah, yeah, he'll be right out.

Oh, it is good to hear you say that.

I miss him.

I've not had too much luck with men lately. Oh?

Elaine, you know what it feels like

to be used, taken advantage of

and then thrown away like an old shoe?

Does she.

Simka.

Latka.

Simka.

Well, are you going to just stand there?

Oh.

(speaking native language)

Oh, oh, Latka, Latka,

we can speak English now.

I feel very comfortable in that tongue, you bet, Joe!

You are looking very well.

Oh, I cannot complain.

You are looking well also.

Are you available for getting together?

Yes, you may call me for social engagements.

Whew! This is just like in Body Heat.

SIMKA: Latka,

Latka, let's have lunch.

Okay, but let me just grab a quick shave.

Okay.

Oh, is same sweet man.

Yeah, well, listen, I, uh, I'll be going along.

So long.

(bell dings)

Calling Dr. Reiger.

(ringing bell) Oh, Dr. Reiger?

Uh, Simka, Simka, can I talk to you for a second?

Over here, please? Yes, excuse me.

Uh, Simka, uh...

I think there's something you have to know about Latka.

Oh, no... No, no, no,

there's nothing to be alarmed about.

Believe me, nothing. Sit down, please.

Look, Latka has what doctors call,

uh, multiple personality.

You see, sometimes, uh,

and he's not even aware he's doing it,

he totally becomes another person.

I mean, his walk, his talk becomes totally different.

You understand?

Yes, he's kookiputz.

(man sings "Love Me Tender" in Latka's language)

(knocking on door)

Just a minute.

(volume decreases)

Hello, Simka.

Hello, Latka.

Come in.

Take it for you.

You are looking even more gorgeous than normal for you.

Well... you are not looking so awful yourself.

I hope you are hungry.

I made something special.

Oh, I am! What is it?

Smell.

(sniffing)

Warthog!

I think it's ready now.

Oh, lovely.

And the salad.

Mmm...

So, what would you like?

Eh, would you like something from the hoof

or something close to the tusk?

Both!

That's what I love about you, you eat like a swine.

Oh, you!

I hope you like it.

Oh...

You know, it's hard to find

self-basting warthog in America.

It is perfect, Latka.

Everything is perfect.

The flowers,

the candles, the music.

Brethnees?

Well, maybe just a quick one.

You know, Latka,

I have had many lonely nights

since I last saw you.

Well, you know, it hasn't been all brethnees and warthog

for Mama Gravas's little boy either.

That's why I was so glad

that you wrote me when you discovered that Omaha

was not all the songs say it is.

Here is mud in your blifnik.

Simka, Simka,

I want to tell you something.

Oh?

(clearing throat)

This is the best evening I've had in a long time.

I've dreamed about this evening, and you.

And I just want to tell you that...

What is it you want to say?

Well...

I want to say that...

I...

(sniffing)

(as Vic Ferrari): What died in here?

Oh, my gosh!

Where am I?

The Ramada Inn of Rumania?

(chuckling)

Latka?

Latka?

Oh, boy, here we go again.

No, honey, Vic-- Vic Ferrari.

And you?

Oh...

Alex told me something about this

and darned if he wasn't right.

I think, uh...

Maybe I better go.

Well, uh, that's your decision, but one thing.

Leave and I'll die.

Well, I mean, how can I... stay?

I hardly even know you.

Oh, well, but I know you.

I think I do.

You're smart, independent

and, uh...

You were a daddy's girl.

Am I right?

Well...

How would you know these things?

I mean, Latka doesn't know these things.

It's in your eyes when you look at a man.

(sighing): Oh, brother.

What else?

(chuckles) Playful.

A little bold and, uh,

you have my name tattooed on your right thigh.

Oh, I don't!

Hey, okay, the evening's young.

You are very funny this way, Latka.

I mean, Vic.

Would you chop me down if I took a chance?

No, I will not chop you.

Okay, then here goes.

I am completely taken by you

and I want to love you.

Well, in my country, there is only one thing

a girl can say to that,

which is one of the reasons I left.

I don't even know your name.

Simka Dahblitz.

Hello, Simka.

Hello, Vic.

(singing in native language)

LATKA: Ah!

Babycakes!

Simka?

Oh... Latkacakes?

What's going on here?

Why are you still here?

What are you so happy about?

You don't remember?

No.

Well...

Oh, we had a wonderful time.

Oh, you were very funny,

and very charming,

and you said your name was Vic.

Vic!

Ooh, that guy, Vic.

I am not Vic.

I don't even like Vic.

Listen, sit down, please.

Tell me everything.

What did you do with Vic last night?

Are you sure you want to know?

Yes.

Uh, of course, not if you think it will destroy me.

Well, I don't know what to say.

Well, for instance, you can say,

that you were up all night with him,

and you discussed, uh, whether the Today show

is better with Bryant Gumbel.

I cannot say that.

I knew it.

You made love with Vic!

Well, I did, but...

You made love with another man

right under my nose!

Well, there was no other way.

And besides, that was you.

Did I whimper?

Was I... clumsy?

No, you were wonderful!

Then it wasn't me.

Latka, please.

You have shamed me,

degraded yourself,

disgraced your family,

cheapened your people,

and blemished your planet.

That was not nice!

I'm going!

Good. Go. Good-bye.

I am going.

Good.

Latka!

I hate you and I never want to see you again,

and thanks for a wonderful night!

Latka.

Latka.

Latka, you've been under that cab all day.

Now come on.

Something's happened, huh?

Tell me about it.

Well, Simka says she found another man.

Oh... Latka.

Oh...

I can't tell you how many times

I've had something like that happen.

Talk to me.

Okay.

She says the other man was Vic.

Talk to Alex.

Latka, Latka, let's have--

let's get a cup of coffee. No.

Come on, come on, let's get a cup of coffee.

I don't want to. Come on, Latka,

let's get a cup of coffee.

No.

Latka...

...I can't believe that a girl like Simka would, uh--

could possibly prefer Vic to you.

Oh yeah?

Well, look what I found in the pockets

of his fancy sports coat.

Airline tickets to Bermuda?

Yeah,

he's taking her away.

Oh, Latka, just 'cause he has tickets

doesn't mean she's going.

Oh, yeah?

Look what I found in the pockets

of his velour smoking jacket.

"The trip sounds okay to me.

"I will be at your place tonight promptly at 7:00-ish.

Signed Simka."

See?

Vic has more fun in his pockets

than I have in my whole life.

Okay, Latka, look, maybe Simka prefers Vic,

but I know there are a lot of women

who are going to prefer your sweet little innocent qualities.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Where are they? I don't know.

I've asked all of them.

Look, women don't like timid, weak men

half as much as they should.

Well, Latka,

is that what you're gonna do?

Huh?

You're gonna just sit there and mope?

No, I'm going to whine and snivel.

Okay, fine, terrific.

You lost her.

Give up.

Why don't you stop thinking of yourself for a moment?

Why don't you start thinking of Simka?

You gonna let her go out with a guy like Vic?

Ah.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Latka, you're responsible.

You got them together!

They met through you.

Wait a minute.

You are right.

I am responsible.

Yes, I-I have to save her from that two-bit bossa nova.

All right!

Oh, I am going to go.

And-And if he won't listen to good manners,

I'm going to have to get rough.

I would hate to be in his shoes.

(knocking on door)

Hello, Simka.

Hello, Latka.

You were expecting someone else?

Maybe someone smooth?

May I enter your house

and sit down on something?

Yes, that would be pleasant.

There is something very important

I want to tell you.

Okay, first of all,

I am sorry that I got mad at you the other day.

That's okay, Latka.

I accept your sorriness.

Thank you.

Second of all,

you cannot see Vic anymore.

He is a terrible, awful person.

At least he is happy with me.

He has a lot more to be happy about.

There is one other thing I want you to know.

Ever since you have come back,

I don't know what I'm doing.

I cannot sleep, I cannot eat,

and my work is suffering.

Men have gone to almost certain injury

in the cabs.

So, please,

don't-don't go to Bermuda with Vic,

because...

Because what, Latka?

Well, because--

oh, I-I don't know how to say it.

Uh, uh,

well, you know...

...I...

(as Vic): Simka, baby!

Oh no, not Vic.

I want to hear what Latka wants to tell me.

I'm listening, Latka.

Simka, it's so good to see you.

You know, this is crazy.

I just realized how much I missed you.

Now I know what it feels like to really care.

Oh, well. Hey, come on,

we're missing valuable sack time.

Come on. Oh!

I think all you want is physical pleasure.

Oh, come on now,

why would I want something like that?

(chuckles)

Latka,

if you are in there...

come back to me.

Please.

Yes, yes!

No, no.

Come with me to Bermuda, and good news,

we're gonna fly...

business class.

I don't want to go to Bermuda anymore, Vic.

I want Latka.

Uh, there must be an acoustic problem in here.

Uh, I could have sworn I heard you make kissing-off noises

to Captain Joy!

Ya.

Well, if that means I want you to go away

so that Latka will come back,

then you're hitting nail with your head, buddy boy!

You know, I don't think you realize what you're saying.

Let me just explain something to you.

If I walk out that door,

I'm never coming back.

(sighs)

Bye, Vic.

Okay.

Okay.

No tears, no bum feelings,

no blame,

no fault insurance.

I'm just glad

that I got to spend a part of my life

in part of your life.

You blew it, baby.

(clicks tongue)

Pow.

(as Latka): That's right. Get out of here.

And if you ever come near my woman again,

I will call you a name!

Simka, there is something I want to tell you,

right here and now,

and no, I'm not going to beating on the bush.

I...

I love you!

Good deal!

Me, too!

Vic?

No, it is me.

Wow, Latka!

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)