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[ Static ]
[ Country music plays ]
Rusty: My turn.
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00:00:28,863 --> 00:00:31,133
Early: Hell no.
Rusty: Man, let me drive that
thing!
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00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:33,532
Early: Do not touch the trim!
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00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:43,484
I'm embarrassed, sheriff --
ashamed.
How could I toss this bottle out
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00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:48,507
of my truck when there's still
good party liquor inside?
[ Gulping ]
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00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:52,176
Ahhh.
Like I ain't never drunk and
drive and throwed out garbage
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00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:54,786
before.
Sheriff: Well, this ain't all
your mess, Early.
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00:00:54,789 --> 00:00:59,689
I mean, if everyone would just
take a little pride in
mother earth, you wouldn't have
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00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:03,263
to be out here -- that and if
you hadn't have waved your junk
at that school bus.
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00:01:03,264 --> 00:01:07,004
Early: Like them young'erns
ain't never seen a grown man's
penis.
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00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:10,171
What's this?
I thought I smashed that with a
cinder block.
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00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:14,971
Sheriff: Well, this is a new
one -- dougal county's first
solar-powered speed-limit sign!
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00:01:14,975 --> 00:01:18,905
Early: Using magic to power
things now?!
This is not Christian!
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00:01:18,913 --> 00:01:21,983
Hell no!
Sheriff: Well, the
gas-powered signs were just
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00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:25,722
expensive as hell, Early.
Plus you had to come out here
and put gas in them.
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00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:29,819
Early: And what happens when
we use up all the sunbeams, huh?
That sun ain't renewable,
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00:01:29,824 --> 00:01:32,224
neither.
You don't know what powers that
big ball of light!
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00:01:32,226 --> 00:01:38,156
Least I know where my gas comes
from -- Boyd's gas station!
That's right.
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00:01:38,165 --> 00:01:41,065
Sheriff: Early, that sign's
new.
Don't you touch it.
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00:01:41,068 --> 00:01:43,998
Early: Come on now.
This is the way I effect
positive change!
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00:01:44,004 --> 00:01:47,874
Sheriff: Look, you've got the
right to make a peaceful
protest, but, please, Early, we
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00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:52,135
just put it in.
Please don't. Please.
Early: [ Grunts ]
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00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:55,746
Sheriff: Please, Early.
[ Gun cocks ]
Please don't.
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00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:59,989
Early: I'm too angry to be
picking up garbage as ordered by
the court!
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00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:04,187
Solar power is sumbitchin'
witchery!
Get a tan with that, you
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00:02:04,191 --> 00:02:10,831
sun-hugger!
The sun is fine if you want to
throw food and see things during
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00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:14,571
the daytime hours!
But run a traffic sign with
it?
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00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:19,298
Hell naw!
I tell you what I use --
good old-fashioned Saudi Arabian
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00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:23,136
oil from our b.F.F.S in the damn
desert!
Hell yeah!
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00:02:23,144 --> 00:02:28,854
It ain't never gonna run out!
In my lifetime, anyhow.
Now let them witness my black
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00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:33,349
fumes all the way to
Washington, D.C.!
Let's roll some coal, baby!
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00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:40,134
[ Engine turns over ]
Whoo!
[ Engine revs, sputters ]
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All right. I'm out of gas.
I'll be back in about 20 minutes
if y'all hang tight for more of
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00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:49,937
my coal-rolling protest!
Now can somebody give me a ride
to the gas station?
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00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:53,707
Rusty: Daddy, if, um --
if you carpoolin', don't that
undercut the message?
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00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:58,607
Early: I ain't even begun to
make my message clear yet!
But, yeah, it would, so...
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00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:03,222
God damn it! I'll walk!
Rusty: Sheriff, ain't there
some way you can stop this?
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00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:06,317
Sheriff: Well, I can't arrest
him for revving under the
influence.
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00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:10,160
You know, it's in park.
Rusty: What about that plan
we talked about?
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00:03:10,157 --> 00:03:15,157
Sheriff: I guess we're never
gonna have a better chance,
Rusty.
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00:03:15,162 --> 00:03:20,902
Early: What the...?
No! My truck!
My boat!
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00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:24,741
My second completely unnecessary
truck!
[ Crying ]
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00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:28,238
Who do I shoot for this?!
Sheriff: Calm down, Early.
It's okay.
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00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:32,412
The dealership came out and
picked up your truck-boat-truck.
These 2002s had that faulty
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00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:35,953
ignition switch.
Rusty: Yeah.
We went ahead and rented you a
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00:03:35,950 --> 00:03:39,650
replacement rig while they
fix it.
Sheriff: That's right.
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This here's the hazuzaki e-corn!
Rusty: Did we really need
that second car and kayak?
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00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:48,031
Sheriff: Baby steps, Rusty.
Early: Hazuzaki, huh?
Sounds like a damn rice-burning
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00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:50,758
Sushi-runner to me.
Rusty: Well, daddy, I mean,
that's the thing.
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00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:54,234
It really don't burn nothing --
sheriff: Shhh! Rusty!
[ Clears throat ]
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00:03:54,235 --> 00:03:57,935
This hazuzaki's built American
strong!
Early: Where the gas hole at?
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00:03:57,938 --> 00:04:00,368
In here?
Sheriff: No, no, no, no!
No. Here. Let me.
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00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:04,044
[ Chuckles ]
Let me fill it for you, Early.
You go on and check out that
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00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:08,714
faux leather interior, and I'll
be -- I'll be putting the gas
in.
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00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:12,946
Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug...
Rusty: Sheriff, you know you
really ain't got to pour it out
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00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:15,393
since you already making that
noise.
Sheriff: Can you just make
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00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:18,019
sure he don't see that
electric plug?
Rusty: Why's it got a
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00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:21,155
lightning-bolt picture on the
gas meter?!
Sheriff: Oh, don't look at
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00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:24,201
that!
Hey, check out the cupholder.
Rusty done filled it up with dip
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00:04:24,198 --> 00:04:27,898
spit, just like the old truck!
Rusty: Yeah, and I put them
chains around your license plate
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00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:30,201
and transferred over your
mudflaps.
Sheriff: Hell, we even
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00:04:30,204 --> 00:04:35,444
reinforced the bumper so it can
haul your truck nuts around.
Rusty: I like that they drag.
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00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:38,412
I'll give you that.
Sheriff: And look --
your favorite bumper sticker!
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00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:43,382
Who is John galt, anyhow?
Rusty: I know who he is.
I just ask other people if they
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00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:47,024
know who he is -- see if they
smart, too, just like me.
Sheriff: Go on.
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00:04:47,021 --> 00:04:50,921
Crank her up, Early.
Just press that big ergonomic
button with the leaf on it
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00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:53,834
there.
[ Click! ]
Rusty: Whoa, now.
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00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:57,497
How come she ain't a-revvin' up?
Sheriff: Rusty, plug this
into aux and play the track
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00:04:57,498 --> 00:05:02,168
"loud engine noise," but be
careful.
I've got some hot tracks on
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00:05:02,169 --> 00:05:04,369
there.
Rusty: I got the hammer down
here!
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00:05:04,371 --> 00:05:08,741
Them tires back there ought to
be a-spinnin' like hell!
[ Engine turns over, revs ]
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00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:12,912
There she goes!
Purring like a hellcat!
Welp, we'll see you in the
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00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:17,183
funny pages, sheriff!
We gonna lay some rubber, baby!
Sheriff: [ Chuckles ]
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00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:20,224
Slow down now, Early!
Not too fast! [ Chuckles ]
Rusty: Whoo!
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00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:23,260
[ Engine rumbling ]
Just listen to that 450 big
block!
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00:05:23,257 --> 00:05:26,457
Ha! I'm gonna jump that ravine
up there!
Rusty: No, daddy!
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00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:30,300
Don't jump the ravine!
Let's just take the bridge!
Early: Hell, let's take the
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00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:32,257
sky!
Whoo!
Rusty: Don't do it, daddy!
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00:05:32,266 --> 00:05:35,396
Early: Hell yeah! Whoo!
Rusty: No, daddy, no!
Early: Ha ha!
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00:05:35,402 --> 00:05:39,842
Cannot be stopped, baby!
Rusty: Daddy!!
Early: Whoo!
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00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:43,280
[ Creak! Creak! Creak! ]
Rusty: Thank God I went with
the tungsten nuts.
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00:05:43,277 --> 00:05:46,877
I buy them light-ass
carbon-fiber nuts and we'd be
deader than hell right now.
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00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:51,120
[ Rumbling stops ]
come on, everybody!
[ Dance music plays ]
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00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:55,518
Early: Is there something you
want to tell me, boy?
Electric?!
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00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:59,262
No, no, no!
Rusty: Yeah, see?
See, the e-corn just plugs in a
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00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:02,129
wall, like your hair dryer and
your curling iron and your leg
shaver.
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00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:05,399
Early: Shh! Don't tell nobody
about my grooming routine!
Rusty: Daddy, with that
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00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:08,469
e-corn, you ain't never got to
buy gas ever again.
Early: Well, just where in
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00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:12,099
the hell do you think you're
gonna plug it in, huh?
Unh-unh.
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00:06:12,106 --> 00:06:16,906
Not the hot rockin' Santa claus
in the bubble globe!
Granny: Here we go!
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00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:20,980
The war on Christmas continues!
Early: That's a dedicated
outlet right there.
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00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:24,021
Rusty: Come on, daddy.
There's a copperhead's been
living in that thing for like
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00:06:24,017 --> 00:06:26,487
five years.
Early: And you're gonna put
him out on the street at
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00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:29,317
christmastime?
Aww, don't be a scrooge.
They Christmas snakes.
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00:06:29,323 --> 00:06:32,463
Granny: Where's your holiday
spirit?!
Rusty: Now, look -- y'all
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00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:35,559
don't unplug this, the e-corn
needs 12 hours for a complete
charge.
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00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:39,502
Early: So, what in the hell
am I supposed to do while that
thing is plugging in?
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00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:43,840
You expect me to just run around
the damn house making engine
noises with my mouth for the
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00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:46,907
next 12 hours?!
Is that it?!
Rusty: Well, since you ain't
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00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:51,037
got nothing to rev, maybe you
and I could...Bond a little or
something -- you know,
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00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:57,584
father-son stuff.
Early: [ Imitating engine
revving ]
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00:06:57,584 --> 00:07:04,894
Beep, beep, beep!
Get out of my way, sumbitch!
[ Imitates engine revving ]
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00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:07,292
Rusty: Daddy, you mind
cutting off your invisible
truck?
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00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:11,004
Early: [ Imitates tires
screeching ]
This is a invisible a.T.V. Now,
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00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:14,128
dumbass.
I got a hell of a trade-in!
Rusty: Sit down and come take
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00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:16,444
a look at this.
The couple has but a single
goal.
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00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:20,867
Early: Is this "road house"?
Where's Swayze, and why ain't he
a-punchin' none of them penguins
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00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:23,074
out?
Rusty: 'Cause this ain't
"road house."
109
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:27,076
Early: Somebody done drunk
most of his six-pack of turtles.
Ooh, hell!
110
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:30,920
Swayze's gonna be pissed off.
Rusty: Daddy, they're saying
that we're destroying our
111
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:35,548
planet, burning gas like we do.
We keep it up, all these
critters ain't even gonna exist
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00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:38,986
no more.
Early: Wait.
Are you saying that you a
113
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:42,132
homosexual?
Rusty: No, daddy.
I-I'm saying ain't nobody
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00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:47,399
looking toward the future.
It's all about right now.
Early: Half-listening to you
115
00:07:47,401 --> 00:07:52,041
makes me realize how fragile
life is, Rusty.
[ Voice breaking ] I miss my
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00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:54,239
trucks.
I'ma go see if they fixed
my trucks!
117
00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:59,081
Rusty: Daddy, wait!
Don't go down there!
Early: My tru-u-u-u-u-cks!
118
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:02,079
Rusty: He's headed to the
dealership, sheriff!
I couldn't stop him!
119
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:07,322
Rusty: [ Breathing heavily ]
[ Electricity buzzing ]
Son of a...Gun!
120
00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:10,221
That's a pretty little rig right
there!
Whoo! Damn!
121
00:08:10,224 --> 00:08:15,034
Hey, friend.
What would it take to put you in
this truck and boat and other
122
00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:18,658
truck today?
I would sell you just one of
them, but the previous owner
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00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:22,025
welded the tow hitches together,
so...
Early: [ Chuckles ]
124
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:25,365
Smart man.
You only got to buy one tag.
Now tell me about the interior.
125
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:30,312
Well, it has a faulty
ignition switch, and the
cassette deck comes with this
126
00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:34,650
free coat hanger to pry out
David Allen coe's greatest hits.
Early: Yeah.
127
00:08:34,648 --> 00:08:37,218
Mine had that, too.
That must come standard with the
model.
128
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:40,587
Does the back truck got a bead
seat caked with brunswick-stew
barf?
129
00:08:40,587 --> 00:08:45,217
Well, we pressure-washed it,
but -- but we could...Reinstall
that for you.
130
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:49,425
Early: No, no. That's okay.
I never liked that trim package.
You wasting breath here, chief.
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00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:52,959
I got me a rig just like this
getting fixed in your
dealership.
132
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:57,996
Well, we don't -- we don't
have a rig like this in service.
I mean, this is the only one we
133
00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:02,005
have.
Early: Wait.
What the...?
134
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:07,549
What the...?
What the...?
I knew it!
135
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:11,018
This truck-boat-truck is mine!
[ Gun cocks ]
Sheriff: Stop!
136
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:14,188
Early: You'd best have
yourself a damn good
explanation!
137
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:19,217
And somebody better tell me who
the hell John glat is, too!
Nobody knows, and, damn it, I'm
138
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:23,226
tired of trying to pretend!
Sheriff: Don't do nothing
crazy, now!
139
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:28,700
Hold on! We're almost there!
Hang on. I'm getting there.
Rusty: Aw, hell with this.
140
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:32,342
I'm getting out.
Listen, daddy, that
truck-boat-truck was really bad
141
00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:36,169
for the environment, okay?
Early: So?
Sheriff: And if you weren't
142
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:40,646
filling this behemoth up three
times a day, y'all might be just
above the poverty line.
143
00:09:40,647 --> 00:09:44,117
Early: So?
Rusty: And with the tax
breaks the way they are, hell,
144
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:47,687
we basically got a three-year
lease on these e-corns for free.
Early: So?
145
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:51,558
Sheriff: Plus, we weren't
lying.
It still does have that faulty
146
00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:55,488
ignition switch.
Rusty: Yeah, daddy.
This thing's a rolling death
147
00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:58,495
trap.
Early: Son, this rolling
death trap is all that matters
148
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:03,298
to me.
I mean, y'all -- y'all cool,
too, but how am I gonna rev a
149
00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:07,273
loved one, huh?
Sheriff, you gonna let me ride
piggyback on your shoulders
150
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:11,514
blasting Hank Jr.'s greatest
hits out of your butthole?
Sheriff: I don't think I
151
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:15,451
could do that.
Early: Rusty, can you barf
black smoke out your mouth and
152
00:10:15,449 --> 00:10:19,749
nose holes while I press on your
balls with my foot?
Rusty: I guess not, daddy.
153
00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:24,593
Early: Then you step aside
and let me do the one and only
thing that makes this life worth
154
00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:27,261
living!
Sheriff: Uh, wait.
You still got that faulty
155
00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:31,130
ignition switch.
Early: It's an American-made
faulty ignition switch.
156
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,031
United we stand!
16901
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