All language subtitles for Squidbillies.S09E03_English

[ Static ]
[ Country music plays ]
my dreams are all dead and

buried
wish the sun
would just explode

when God calls me
to his kingdom
I'll take all you sons of

bitches when I go
all you sons of bitches when I
go

Rusty: My turn.
Early: Hell no.
Rusty: Man, let me drive that

thing!
Early: Do not touch the trim!

Okay. So now I'm gonna need
you to drop your pants and...
Dan Halen: Pants?

What do you think I am?
Some sort of hobo?
[ Laughing ]

Pants!
The very idea.
So, how's it hangin'?

Well, you know, pretty good.
Uh, been traveling a lot for my
son's, uh, soccer --

Dan Halen: No!
How is it hanging?
Below!

Actually, uh, I do feel
something hard here on the
dermal region.

Dan Halen: You mean the skin?
You're not impressing anyone
here.

How many times a week do you
attach glow sticks to your
balls?

Dan Halen: I haven't raved
like that in years.
Hmm.

Is there any other way you might
have exposed your crotch-saddle
to intense, prolonged radiation?

[ Motor whirring ]
Dan Halen: Ol' taint Nick
says "taint the season to be

getting a holiday bonus!"
Get it?
Because I'm sending out pictures

of my taint!
Oh, man.
Dan Halen: Boom!

You got "tainted", Glenn!
[ Laughing ]
Cancer.

Yep.
Terminal, inoperable taint
cancer.

Dan Halen: Why wasn't this
caught earlier?
What do I pay all these nurses

for?
Oh, those are strippers...
In nurses' outfits.

Because, uh, you didn't like the
nurses' lips.
Dan Halen: They weren't pouty

enough!
[ Wind blowing ]
So many conflicting emotions

coursing through me right now.
Fury...
Anger...

Fury mixed with anger --
franger.
And then, suddenly, out of

nowhere, I'll get flashes of
hatred and rage!
Early: Damn, Dan.

Any fool knows to protect their
taint!
That's your damn weakest spot,

hoss!
Just do like I do -- walk low to
the ground.

Early, don't --
Early: Them splinters and
pebbles'll tough up that saddle

skin.
Uh, we'll just put a throw
rug on it.

Dan Halen: No. Who cares?
It's just one more room full of
pointless crap.

You son of a cock of a whore
of a chair!
Early: Yeah! Yeah!

Let me throw one!
Come on! Let me have it!
Yeah!

[ Woman screaming ]
Now let's get this here piano!
No, wait!

Look, there's got to be a more
constructive way to channel
these emotions.

[ Piano crashing ]
You could use all your wealth to
maybe find a cure.

Dan Halen: You really think I
could eradicate taint cancer in
our lifetime?

Well...
Not your lifetime.
Dan Halen: Where are you

going with that?
Early: I ain't got nothing.
Yeah, you do.

Early: Nuh-unh.
I ain't got a damn thing.
Dan Halen: Yes, you do!

Early: Aw, come on, now!
You said this was all pointless
crap.

But I guess, if it gives you
some kind of fleeting joy,
then -- [ Grunts ] -- Here's

your damn measly rhino head
back.
Take it!

Dan Halen: No, you're right.
You're right.
[ Crashing ]

From now on, I'm giving back to
the community.
[ Children shouting, talking ]

Hello, kids, I'm Dan Halen, Dean
of the screamin' teen tween
screen scene.

We all know it's fun to lay on
our backs, twerking our taints
spread eagle toward the sun, but

I'm a living example that such
choices will come back to haunt
you.

[ Crowd gasps ]
Dan Halen: [ Chuckles ]
Hey, look, gang!

It's my old friend Tommy taint!
[ Feedback ]
Sheriff: Uh, Mr. Halen, I-I

don't feel like this is --
Dan Halen: Get your styrofoam
ass and balls out here!

Sheriff: Uh, h-hey, kids.
I'm Tommy taint.
I'm the space between your, uh,

jingaling and your hoo-hoo.
[ Footsteps departing ]
Now, hold up.

Now don't run off.
Sure, private parts may be a
little scary.

But you know what's even worse?
Cancer.
[ Air hissing ]

Uh-oh.
It's Cody cancer.
Oh, no.

It's Cody cancer.
Dan Halen: Get out there and
show them what I have to deal

with.

Early: What I do?
Sheriff: Don't worry, y'all.
Sunscreen's like a magic force

field against cancer.
Early: Aah! My damn eyes!
Sheriff: He can't hurt me at

all.
Early: You son of a bitch!
You about to die!

Sheriff: This is not the
message we're trying to convey
here!

Early: That's the big "c"
right there!
Sheriff: Ow!

Kids, always remember -- cancer
is mean, so screen your tween!
Early: That's right.

Protect your taint...
Sheriff: Ow!
Early: ...Before you can't!

Dan Halen: Hey, look!
It's the Dan Halen screamin'
teen tween screen machine!

Let's all head outside to have a
stranger scrutinize the fold
between our nethers -- for free!

Sheriff: That's right.
Put the dye pack between your
butt cheeks, just like this.

I'm sorry.
We can't have second-graders
doing this.

Dan Halen: But everyone gets
a free taint cancer awareness
magnet.

Come on, kids.
Dan Halen: It's fun for them!
In a show of appreciation for

all your charity towards fixing
that disease that you are the
only person that has, I'm here

to present you with --
Dan Halen: Thanks you for the
cardboard nothing to nothing.

[Bleep] This.
I'm done with giving back to the
community.

They need to be giving back to
me!
[ Engine turns over ]

I'm the one dying here!
Sheriff: [ Sighs ]
Why is this taking so long?

Is it because I got a big taint?
[ Laughing ]
Dan Halen: I don't want to

die.
Well, the lord never sends
you more than you can handle,

until, of course, the one day
when he does.
Heh.

Dan Halen: All this money,
and I can't buy the one thing I
want -- to live forever and

never die.
Oh, but you can live forever,
friend -- in God's house.

Now rise into a life with
jeeesus!
Dan Halen: Do you have a dry

baptism process?
I have a highly water-soluble
collection of fragile post-war

Hitler memorabilia?
Uh, well, you know what they
say -- you can't take it with

you.
Dan Halen: Why the hell not?
It's my stuff. I want it!

The ancient pharaohs of Egypt
wanted their "stuff," too.
Oh, they built great pyramids

full of treasures.
Thousands died in their
vainglorious folly, and --

Mr. Halen?
Dan Halen: Faster!
Osiris demands it!

I'm taking it with me!
Every last bit!
Granny: [ Grunting ]

Dan Halen: Slave, that's not
a bean bag!
It's one of only three white

tigers in the known world!
It goes back up there with the
other two!

[ Forklift beeping, horn honks ]
Early: Where's this forklift
go?

Dan Halen: Uh, that goes over
with the other loading
equipment.

Granny: Wait! Wait a minute!
I could use that!
Sheriff: Go on, now, granny.

Hyah. Hyah.
Dan Halen: No!
You must whip the confusion out

of her!
Granny: Ow! Ow! Son of a --
sheriff: Mr. Halen, uh, not

to be a buzzkill but all this
whipping and chaining, it just
don't feel right.

Dan Halen: Fine.
Deny a dying man the
historically accurate burial his

recently adopted religion asks
for.
Sheriff: Shoot. I'm sorry.

I-I-I'm just so insensitive.
Hyah! Hyah!
Granny: Aah! Aah!

Sheriff: Come on, granny.
Scream for Mr. Halen.
His final wish is to see you

suffer.
Granny: If you're gonna whip
me, at least aim for my ass.

Ooh!
Oh, there you go!
Yeah!

Sheriff: Hyah!
Granny: Yeah, you found the
sweet spo-- aah! Ahh!

[ Laughs ]
Oh!
[ Rumbling, workers screaming ]

Dan Halen: Calm down,
everyone!
Calm down.

The pyramid is sealed now.
Those of you looking for the
exits, you can sit down and

relax, because there aren't any.
[ Workers gasp ]
sheriff: Ah, well, fire

marshal might have something to
say about that, y'all.
Dan Halen: Oh, no, no, no.

There's not enough oxygen in
here to support a fire.
Granny: But don't we need

that stuff to breathe and stuff?
Dan Halen: Yes, you would
need "that stuff" to breathe, if

our aim was to live.
But, you see, you and I will
take a journey across the river

on a boat, with the sun God, ra.
And we're going to meet a woman
with a dog face.

And they're going to weigh our
hearts!
Early: Whoo-hoo!

We going to gatlinburg, baby!
Granny: Yay! Dollywood!
Early: That's right! Whoo!

Dan Halen: You all have
Dan Halen gift bags for the
afterlife.

Inside them, you should find
jars of food, tweezers to pick
your brains out through your

nose, and a bag of sand to
insert into your throat and
nasal cavities.

Then just, you know, chill out.

Granny: So, we are going to
gatlinburg, right?
Early: Yeah.

As I understand it, yes.
Sheriff: [ Gagging ]
Look! [ Chuckles ]

Hey, y'all, I got the whole
thing.

[ Cellphone ringing ]
[ Beeps ]
Dan Halen: Hello?

Seriously?
G-give me five.
Oh, praise osiris!

I mean, [Bleep] Osiris.
Let me see.
Oh, she's a beaut.

It's a little weathered --
it's seen better days -- but,
hey, beggars can't be choosers.

Dan Halen: Where'd you find
it?
Oh, she won't know.

She's fine.
Dan Halen: Ha ha!
The card will read "taint keep

a good man down."
Gather everybody so they can all
see.

Oh...
Right.
[ Flies buzzing ]

Early: Gatlinburg is funner
than hell!
That's right!

Granny: I love gatlinburg!
Early: Gatlinburg's fun.
Will someone please tell them

it's not gatlinburg?
Sheriff: Uh, this ain't even
earth no more, Early.

We're on the river styx.
Granny: So, this ain't the
tea cup ride in gatlinburg?

Early: Are we in gatlinburg,
or we, uh, gettin' near
gatlinburg?

Sheriff: Oh, hell.
We're taking on water.
Granny: Well, don't drink it

unless you want the runs.
And don't shake his hand, 'cause
that's the one they wipe their

ass with.
Who's "they"?
Granny: Oh, y-you know...

Not to be racist, but --
yeah, that's exactly what
racists say when they're about

to be racist.
Granny: Well, I...
I just need to feel superior,

you know?