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[ Static ]
[ Country music plays ]
My dreams are all dead and
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00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:16,124
buried
sometimes I wish the sun would
just explode
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00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:26,057
when God comes and calls me to
his kingdom
I'll burn all you sons of
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00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:29,700
bitches on the stove
Rusty: My turn.
Early: Hell no.
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00:00:29,697 --> 00:00:33,527
Rusty: Man, let me drive that
thing!
Early: Do not touch the trim!
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00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:39,304
Rusty: A-town, baby!
Atlanta! Whoa!
Hey, man, can we take that CNN
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00:00:39,306 --> 00:00:44,276
tour, see them Jews and their
liberal media spin machine while
they make up them lies?
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00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:49,618
Early: Maybe next time, son.
We in hotlanta today for one
reason and one reason only --
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00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:53,947
the pride parade, baby!
Granny: The celebration of
the life and music of
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00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:59,894
country Western legend
Charley pride!
Early: Yeah! Whoo!
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00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:02,664
Hell, they throwing out free
candy.
Granny: Yay! Candy!
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00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:06,073
Rusty: Throw me some candy.
This gum is chewy.
Granny: [ Slurring ] Some
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00:01:06,067 --> 00:01:14,967
kind of lubrication on here.
This is numbing my tongue.
Early: [ Gasps ]
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00:01:14,975 --> 00:01:18,775
No.
[ Blowing ]
Early: No.
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00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:23,819
Mm!
Early: No!
No!
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00:01:23,818 --> 00:01:26,818
No!
This is not how Charley pride
wants his life's work
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00:01:26,821 --> 00:01:30,261
celebrated!
Granny: Oh, Early, you've
been hit by their flowers!
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00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:33,757
That means you're the next to
be gay-married.
Early: Oh, no!
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00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:36,931
Rusty: Congratulations,
daddy.
I didn't know you's gay.
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00:01:36,931 --> 00:01:40,301
Early: Well, me neither, but
I don't want to be.
I won't do it.
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00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:43,671
It ain't right.
I ain't going to hell for marry
no damn man.
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00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:53,381
But a gay time was not had by
all, as one protester had some
pointedly uncivil things to say
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00:01:53,380 --> 00:01:58,380
about the gay marriage movement.
Early: I mean, what's next?
Somebody just gonna haul off and
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00:01:58,385 --> 00:02:03,155
marry a damn paint can.
Granny: Marriage is our word!
Let them make their own word up,
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00:02:03,157 --> 00:02:08,157
like "clegebus" or "flarm"!
Early: That's right, flarm!
Granny: Clegebus!
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00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:11,332
Early: Amen.
Granny: You can't force me to
marry a woman!
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00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:14,872
Early: Yeah, what's next?
They gonna make me marry me a
paint can?
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00:02:14,869 --> 00:02:19,139
Granny: I might be in to
scissoring with her, if that's
all she wants, 'cause it's fun,
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00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:23,380
and there ain't no pressures as
long as everyone's on the same
page goin' into the thing.
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00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:27,077
Early: And I would enjoy
watching that.
But I ain't just gonna sit down
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00:02:27,081 --> 00:02:30,821
and allow a man to marry a man.
[ Stammers ]
I ain't gay-marrying no damn
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00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:34,988
body up in connecticgut.
I live here, damn it!
Reporting from
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00:02:34,989 --> 00:02:42,059
gay pride Atlanta, I'm
Doug Richards.
Early: [ Grunting ]
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00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:48,732
[ Breathing heavily ]
I ain't moving to Connecticut!
I lived here!
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00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:52,736
Rusty: Well, it ain't like
it's mandatory, daddy.
Early: This country was built
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00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:56,110
on freedom -- freedom to not let
them do what we do not want them
to do!
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00:02:56,110 --> 00:03:00,180
Granny: I mean, what's next?
Early: Yeah, what's next?
Like I'm gonna marry a damn
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00:03:00,181 --> 00:03:02,381
paint can.
Is that it?
Granny: Are you?
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00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:07,193
I mean, you're talking a big
game up there on the TV.
Early: Granny, I ain't gonna
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00:03:07,188 --> 00:03:11,018
marry no damn paint can.
That's ridiculous.
I am a confirmed bachelor.
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00:03:11,025 --> 00:03:15,755
Hell, I ain't gonna be held down
by no sumbitchin' paint can.
Granny: Ah, there he goes,
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00:03:15,763 --> 00:03:19,533
backing down again, yeah?
Early: What?
You saying I ain't mature enough
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00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:23,103
to settle down with a paint can,
huh?
Granny: You ain't never
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00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:27,073
followed through on nothing your
whole life.
Early: Oh, I'll marry me a
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00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:31,314
damn paint can if that's what it
takes to shut your ass up!
Granny: Oh, no, no.
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00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:36,222
Don't do it 'cause of me.
I'll just go on tellin' me
friends that you're a-a late
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00:03:36,217 --> 00:03:40,217
bloomer.
Early: Rusty, fetch the damn
preacher man!
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00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:43,221
I'm marrying a damn paint can
today!
You hear me?!
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00:03:43,224 --> 00:03:47,564
Does that satisfy you, bitch?!
[ Door slams ]
Now who wins?!
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00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:50,231
Ugh.
Do you really have to deface the
chapel wall?
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00:03:50,231 --> 00:03:53,771
Rusty: Which one you want to
marry, daddy?
Early: Uh, that one there
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00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,437
will do.
Put a dress on it.
Couldn't y'all have used the
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00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:59,937
swatches?
Sheriff: Early, I don't think
you can legally marry a paint
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00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:03,310
can in this state.
Early: I got the right to
marry anybody I want to, to
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00:04:03,310 --> 00:04:08,410
prove that nobody is supposed to
be marrying anybody they want.
Sheriff: Aw, you get all
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00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:12,775
constitutional with me.
I-I can't keep up.
You got my blessing.
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00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:15,986
Go ahead.
Early: All right, then,
reverend.
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00:04:15,990 --> 00:04:20,930
Let's get it on!
We're gathered here today to
unite in holy matrimony this
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00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:26,128
squid and this gallon of, uh --
Early: Extra-acrylic
high-gloss latex paint and
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00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:29,273
primer in one with a semigloss
finish.
I do!
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00:04:29,270 --> 00:04:37,280
And with that, the "what's
next, you gonna marry a paint
can?" Guy drove off with his new
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00:04:37,278 --> 00:04:40,278
wife and all her bridesmaids
tied to the bumper.
[ Tires screeching ]
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00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:44,821
Reporting from dougal county,
I'm Doug Richards.
Early: [ Laughs ]
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00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:49,518
I got their damn thongs in a
twist now, baby!
Granny: Yeah, I guess.
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00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:53,063
But what's next?
Early: I'll show you what the
hell's next!
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00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:57,060
Early: What's next,
gay-marriage lovers?
Y'all gonna make it legal for me
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00:04:57,064 --> 00:05:00,074
to marry this here vacuum
cleaner?
'Cause I'll do it.
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00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:03,967
Didn't I just marry you to a
paint can?
Early: I'm marrying me an
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00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:07,411
object a week until them
gay-marriage people shut the
hell up.
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00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:12,838
Dan Halen: My fundamentalist
fast-food chain,
chicken on the cross, is
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00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:18,146
prepared to throw its full
financial support behind you and
your many inane weddings.
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00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:21,492
Early: I appreciate you,
'cause, I mean, what the hell's
next, you know?
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00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:25,188
What if somebody just hauls off
and marries a damn --
Dan Halen: A paint can.
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00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:28,392
Yes, yes.
I saw that you did that, yes.
Early: And this here is my
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00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:32,495
new wife, space robot.
Bo-Bo-be-bop-bop-Bo-Bo-Bo-Bo.
What's that, honey?
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00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:37,339
Oh! She says, "hey, no gays
are marrying no damn body here."
Dan Halen: Listen to me, you
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00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:40,868
fool!
If you want this thing to have
legs, I need you to marry
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00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:45,084
something more insane, something
that will get on TV!
Early: Oh, I hear you.
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00:05:45,079 --> 00:05:51,279
So you want me to marry this
here hot dog.
Dan Halen: You're going to
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00:05:51,285 --> 00:05:56,555
marry a wild black bear of
appalachia!
Picture it, a massive straight
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00:05:56,557 --> 00:06:02,887
pride parade through downtown
dougal county, where you'll
exchange vows with a beast of
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00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:08,366
the forest!
Sure, we'll lose some customers,
but we'll double our sales with
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00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:14,909
the rotund Jesus freaks, who
will all unite in a brainless
effort to support us, leaving us
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00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:23,548
with a net gain of slightly
more!
Granny: You damn gay folks!
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00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:28,120
You've stole all our straight
colors!
Well, that's fine.
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00:06:28,122 --> 00:06:35,092
All I need is black and white --
exactly how I view the world!
It's Adam and Eve, not
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00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:41,065
m-madam and Steve!
Actually, madam and Steve
would be just fine.
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00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:46,098
Granny: Yeah, madam and Steve
is totally hetero.
Well, what about Rodney and
89
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:48,936
Steve?
Where you getting Rodney
from?
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00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:53,012
I put my hand down Rodney's
pants.
He got all weird about it.
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00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:56,753
Granny: Rodney's gay,
everyone.
Sheriff: Rodney's gay?
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00:06:56,750 --> 00:07:03,190
Wait. Who's Rodney?
Some dude.
It's pretty hairy up here for a
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00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:09,090
bang bus.
[ Bear growling ]
Early: Is this here, my
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00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:12,596
future, uh, bear wife?
Dan Halen: No.
This is the bear's father.
95
00:07:12,599 --> 00:07:17,339
You must request his daughter's
paw in marriage, because we're
promoting traditional family
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00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:20,637
values here.
Lower the bear shield!
Early: What now?
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00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:25,211
[ Bear roars ]
Dan Halen: Now ask the ursine
beast for its cub's hand!
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00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:29,612
[ Bear roars ]
Early: [ Clears throat ]
Sir, I reckon your daughter's a
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00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:33,186
very special lady.
[ Screams ]
[ Bear roars ]
100
00:07:33,187 --> 00:07:36,047
Dan Halen: You have his
blessing!
Rusty: Hey, daddy, you all
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00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:39,356
right?!
Early: Satan?
Rusty: No, daddy, it's just
102
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:43,059
Rusty.
Early: I think I got me some
cold feet about this here
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00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:46,333
marriage.
Rusty: Look, daddy.
It's perfectly natural to -- to
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00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:49,473
have some jitters about marrying
a wild bear.
[ Bear roars ]
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00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:56,140
But it's way too late to run.
Hell, even if he did, bears can
run up to 40 Miles an hour.
106
00:07:56,143 --> 00:08:00,653
[ Bear roars ]
Early: All right, then.
Hell, let's do it.
107
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:11,217
[ Wagner's "bridal chorus"
plays ]
[ Bear growls ]
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00:08:11,225 --> 00:08:14,525
Early: I-I told him a prime
rib carving station and
chocolate fountain!
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00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:18,658
Rusty: It's all there, daddy.
They just had to hang it from
the trees, you know, on account
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00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:23,535
of your bride.
[ Bear roars ]
You look so handsome, daddy.
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00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:28,837
Now ball up facedown on the
ground and protect the back of
your head.
112
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:36,382
Do you, Early cuyler, take
this appalachian black bear to
be your wedded wife to prove
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00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:40,723
your point?
Early: You know, I'm starting
to think that, uh, them gay
114
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:45,521
folks oughta be able to marry
about anything they want.
Dan Halen: Emotionally commit
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00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:49,686
to the bear!
Bind yourself in matrimony...To
the bear!
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00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:53,526
Early: I do.
Dan Halen: You're goddamn
right you d-- he does, everyone.
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00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:59,304
He does.
You may now kiss the bear.
[ Bear growls ]
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00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:03,806
Early: Nah, I'm good, hals.
Dan Halen: Put the ring on
her and kiss her deep for the
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00:09:03,810 --> 00:09:08,150
camera!
[ Bear roars ]
Early: Aw, hell.
120
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:20,558
Tonight, I'm gonna give it
a chance
Early: Hmm.
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00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:24,501
That, uh -- that there was
pretty good.
But your damn face smells like
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00:09:24,498 --> 00:09:28,728
you been rooting around in a
damn dumpster.
You gonna have to wash a hell of
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00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:32,735
a lot better than you washing if
you gonna stay married to me!
[ Bear roars ]
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00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:36,839
Early: No, no, no, no!
[ Screaming ]
Rusty: Ball up, daddy!
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00:09:36,843 --> 00:09:41,753
[ Bears roaring ]
[ Screams ]
[ Groans ]
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00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:54,828
Dan Halen: And now presenting
Mr. and Mrs. Early cuyler.
[ Bear roars ]
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00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:58,158
Early: [ Screams ]
Get it off me!
Dan Halen: This is God's
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00:09:58,165 --> 00:10:02,495
punishment for marriages that
are not between a man and woman!
Early: Oh, just turn it off,
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00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:06,172
please.
Rusty: Don't talk now, daddy.
You'll mess up them skin grafts.
130
00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:12,843
Sheriff: We all had to give
some butt skin, Early, so that
they could rebuild your face.
131
00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:18,646
Early: Yeah, that looks good.
Thank y'all.
I-I had a feeling in my gut that
132
00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:24,492
it -- it just wasn't gonna work
out betweenst her and me.
I just hope she finds happiness
133
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:30,231
somewhere out there in the
forest, far away from my ass.
Sheriff: Well, you can tell
134
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:33,500
her yourself.
She's right outside.
[ Door banging ]
135
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:37,200
Early: No, don't let her in
here, no.
Sheriff: Y'all are married,
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00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:40,374
so she's got visitation rights
now.
[ Bear roars ]
137
00:10:40,374 --> 00:10:44,814
Early: Hey, you're here.
I-I-I feel that we rushed into
this.
138
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:47,411
[ Screams ]
Rusty: Whoa, now, that bear's
got her a ding-a-ling!
139
00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:54,924
Early's digging on a dude!
Early: [ Screams ]
Sheriff: Well, Early, I-I
140
00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:59,421
guess you're getting God's
punishment for trying to marry a
gay man bear.
141
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:02,656
Gay bear marriage ain't legal
in this state.
Early: Somebody please!
142
00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:06,363
Sheriff: Oh, well, that means
this bear ain't got visitation
rights at all, then.
143
00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:09,326
Early: [ Screams ]
[ Monitor beeping ]
Sheriff: So, Denny, go on
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00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:11,766
over and tell that bear he can't
visit no more.
[ Bear roars ]
145
00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:14,442
How 'bout you tell him?
Early: Damn, get him off, get
him off!
146
00:11:14,441 --> 00:11:18,511
[ Bear roars ]
Sheriff: Let's let the nurse
do it.
15798
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