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1
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# To Ganymede and Titan,
Yes, sir, I've been around... #
2
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Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?
3
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No? Stop that and push the trolley.
4
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Yes, sir, Rimmer!
5
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Right. Corridor 159.
6
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Lister, shut up!
7
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- I'm only humming!
- Well, don't.
8
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Lister, don't hum and don't make any stupid sounds with your cheeks.
9
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Lister, one more sound, anything, and you're on report, my laddo.
10
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What job number's this?
11
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Right! That's it!
12
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"Lister, D., Third Technician.
13
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"Offence: obstructing a superior technician
14
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"by humming, clicking and being quiet. "
15
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When the Captain sees this, you're dead.
16
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Rimmer, I'm bored!
17
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Bored?! This is essential routine maintenance.
18
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It's absolutely vital for the well-being of this crew, this mission and this ship.
19
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"Dispenser 172: chicken soup nozzle clogged. "
20
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Pass me a 14B, Lister.
21
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Lister, is this a 14B?
22
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Does it look even remotely like a 14B?
23
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This is a 14B, Lister.
24
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This is a 14F. Are you blind?
25
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- Who cares?
- I care, Lister!
26
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It's my career Lister.
27
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I'm the one who gets it in the neck if an officer comes along,
28
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orders chicken soup,
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and gets blackcurrant cordial with blancmange, two creams and a sugar.
30
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Chicken soup.
31
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Yep. That's working.
32
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It's stupid, all this maintenance business.
33
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The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots
34
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is they've got a better union than us.
35
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Lister, that is absolute nonsense.
36
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Right. What's next?
37
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"Botanical gardens: faulty porous circuit.
38
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"In corridor 147: sticking door. "
39
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It's true, you know, though, Rimmer.
40
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You rank below all four of those service robots.
41
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Even the one that's gone absolutely mad.
42
00:03:35,573 --> 00:03:38,550
Well Lister, not for long, matey. Up, up, up! That's where I'm going!
43
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Not till you pass your engineer's exam.
44
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And you won't do that because you'll just go in there and flunk again.
45
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:47,360
Lister, last time I only failed by the "narrowest" of narrow margins.
46
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You what?
47
00:03:48,453 --> 00:03:51,040
You walked in there, wrote, "I am a fish"
48
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400 times, did a funny little dance, and fainted.
49
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- That's a total lie!
- No, it's not! Petersen told me.
50
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"No, it's not! Petersen told me. "
51
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Lister if you must know, what I did was, I wrote a discourse on porous circuits
52
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which was simply too "radical", too "unconventional",
53
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too "mould-breaking" for the examiners to accept.
54
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Yeah. You said you were a fish.
55
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Is that a cigarette you're smoking Lister?
56
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:14,946
No, it's a chicken.
57
00:04:15,173 --> 00:04:16,840
Right! You're on report.
58
00:04:16,946 --> 00:04:19,693
Two times in as many minutes, Lister! I don't know...
59
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:21,720
- Rimmer, Lister.
- Yes, sir.
60
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Yo, Todhunter, get down!
61
00:04:24,946 --> 00:04:28,053
Indeed. Now uh, Rimmer, I'm just going through Mclntyre's artifacts,
62
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and I see that you've filed 247 complaints...
63
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against Lister.
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- Yes, sir!
- That's 123 counts of insulting a superior technician,
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39 counts of dereliction of duty,
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84 counts of insubordination,
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and one count of mutiny.
68
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Yes, sir!
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Mutiny, Lister?
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I stood on his toe.
71
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Maliciously, with intent to wound.
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It was an accident! Maliciously, with intent to wound.
73
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It was an accident!
74
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Lister, I put it to you, how is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident?
75
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You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire foot,
76
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thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty.
77
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,314
But the 'vital duty' was he was going to snap my guitar in half!
78
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Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot.
79
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- Alright, that's enough.
- Had there been a crisis situation Lister
80
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I would've had to perform my duties hopping,
81
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clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly, therefore, mutiny.
82
00:05:14,533 --> 00:05:15,013
Finished?
83
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:18,560
However, I'm not vindictive man, so I don't intend to apply for the death penalty.
84
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There are 169 people on board this ship.
85
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You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?
86
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You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.
87
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I try to respect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy,
88
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'cause he's such a smeghead!
89
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Did you hear that, sir?
90
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Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?
91
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Oh, Rimmer!
92
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You ARE a smeghead.
93
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You heard that Lister! With respect, sir, your career's over,
94
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Todhunter you're finished, you big lig!
95
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We're all gathered here today to pay our last respects to George Mclntyre.
96
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George was an excellent officer and as good a friend as anyone could ever hope to have.
97
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And he'll be missed more deeply and more completely than he could ever know.
98
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I now commend his ashes to the stars he loved so much.
99
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Bye, George, we'll miss you.
100
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This is a piece of music he specially requested. Start the tape, please Holly.
101
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# See you later, alligator... #
102
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# In a while, crocodile... #
103
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There goes Mclntyre.
104
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#.. so long! Goodbye! #
Bye George.
105
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That was George!
106
00:06:37,013 --> 00:06:39,226
Really? I thought it was Mary Queen of Scots!
107
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Off!
108
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Hey, I was watching that!
109
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Well, tough.
110
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You touch that guitar Lister, I'll remove the E string and garrotte you with it.
111
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Can I do anything? Is it OK if I breathe? Can I breathe?
112
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Lister, I have an exam tomorrow which I intend to pass.
113
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I know yeah, by cheating.
114
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This is not cheating!
115
00:07:01,746 --> 00:07:03,053
It is merely an aid to memory.
116
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Helps me marshal the facts already in my command.
117
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What? Copying the entire textbooks onto your body?
118
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Why don't you hand your body in and let them mark that!
119
00:07:12,746 --> 00:07:15,790
Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer?
120
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Someone who wasn't Academy educated?
121
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Someone who didn't have the right nobby background,
122
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someone who didn't have the right parents?
123
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You didn't have the right parents?
124
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Whose parents did you have?
125
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MY parents. The wrong parents.
126
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I'm just saying, you know, if you can't pass fair and square, why bother?
127
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Well, you would, Lister, 'cause you've got no ambition, no drive.
128
00:07:35,220 --> 00:07:37,595
You're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on this ship.
129
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I'm not the lowest rank on this ship.
130
00:07:39,826 --> 00:07:41,630
What about the laboratory mice?
131
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Tell the mice to do something and they've got to jump to it.
132
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"Yes, Mr Lister, sir! Eee, eee, eee. "
133
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Lister, you are a nothing.
134
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I'm not a 'nothing.' I've got me plan.
135
00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:55,949
What's that? The plan to be the slobbiest entity in the entire universe?
136
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No.
137
00:07:57,386 --> 00:07:58,750
Me Five Year Plan.
138
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,680
You see, I'm going to do two more trips.
139
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and I've been saving up all me pay...
140
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Since when?
141
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Since always.
142
00:08:04,493 --> 00:08:08,506
That's why I never buy any soap, or deodorant, or socks, or anything like that, you know?
143
00:08:08,506 --> 00:08:10,870
Anyway, I'm going to buy myself a little farm on Fiji
144
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,546
and I'm going to get a sheep and a cow
145
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and breed horses.
146
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With a sheep and a cow?
147
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,690
No, with horses and horses.
148
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On Fiji?
149
00:08:21,693 --> 00:08:23,620
Yeah! The prices there are unbelievable.
150
00:08:23,653 --> 00:08:28,080
Yes, because they had a volcanic eruption and now most of Fiji is three feet below sea level!
151
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It's only three feet. They can wade.
152
00:08:31,480 --> 00:08:34,472
That's why the animals are gonna have to be quite tall.
153
00:08:34,813 --> 00:08:38,950
Nice plan, Lister! Excellent plan! Brilliant plan, Lister!
154
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What about the sheep?
155
00:08:40,706 --> 00:08:42,413
What are you going to do, buy them water wings?
156
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Fit them with stilts?
157
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Better still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton!
158
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Baa, spoosh, baa, spoosh.
159
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You can get a drainage grant these days.
160
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Why bother Lister, you could be the first man to produce wet-look knitwear!
161
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This is why I never, ever, said anything to you, 'cause I knew you'd say something like this.
162
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Lister, you've got the brain of a cheese sandwich.
163
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"Mornin', Farmer Lister!
164
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:13,118
"I'm just popping down to the shops in my submarine. Can I buy you anything?"
165
00:09:14,506 --> 00:09:18,413
The "Welcome Back George Mclntyre" reception is about to begin in the refectory
166
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George says he'd like to invite everybody,
167
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especially those who weren't able to attend his funeral.
168
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:44,986
Have you seen Rimmer's arm?
169
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No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!
170
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Petersen, have you got a coin?
171
00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:56,293
I've just been shown this great new intelligence test.
172
00:09:56,306 --> 00:09:59,310
What you gotta do is force the coin onto your forehead.
173
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And the more times you can bang yourself on the head without it falling off, the more intelligent you are.
174
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:05,466
You're gonna go for it?
175
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He's going for it!
176
00:10:08,090 --> 00:10:09,946
Are you ready? Can you feel it?
177
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Yeah!
178
00:10:10,346 --> 00:10:10,946
Can you feel it? Go!
179
00:10:10,940 --> 00:10:11,293
Yeah!
180
00:10:11,293 --> 00:10:11,960
Can you feel it?
181
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Yep!
182
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Go!
183
00:10:13,370 --> 00:10:15,426
Go on Petersen! Go on! Come on!
184
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Brrr... brrr... brrr.
185
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- Brrr... brrr... brrr...
- Sh! Sh!
186
00:10:24,413 --> 00:10:27,430
Folks, today is a day for both sadness and joy.
187
00:10:27,853 --> 00:10:31,270
Sadness for the passing away of George, and joy,
188
00:10:31,613 --> 00:10:34,533
because George is back... albeit as a hologram.
189
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No some of you may not have traveled with a hologram before, so I ask you to treat him as a normal man
190
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because he is in every respect like George.
191
00:10:42,333 --> 00:10:46,430
He has George's personality, and George's knowledge and experience.
192
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Of course he can't lift anything or touch anything,
193
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so I ask you to cooperate with his requests.
194
00:10:51,773 --> 00:10:55,013
And please take care not to walk through him,
195
00:10:55,010 --> 00:10:56,973
not even when you're in a hurry. Thank you.
196
00:10:57,013 --> 00:11:00,186
Whoa! Whoa! Speech! Speech!
197
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:09,933
I want to thank everybody for giving me such a marvelous funeral.
198
00:11:10,733 --> 00:11:12,000
I've just seen the vid.
199
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:16,133
And I want to thank the Captain for his beautiful eulogy.
200
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:17,160
Beautiful.
201
00:11:17,973 --> 00:11:20,140
But I still don't understand why he didn't use the one I wrote?!
202
00:11:23,613 --> 00:11:27,230
This must seem pretty spooky for everyone,
203
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:31,710
but I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead,
204
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:35,680
more as someone who's no longer a threat to your marriages.
205
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,506
I think Joe knows what I'm talking about.
206
00:11:43,306 --> 00:11:47,790
As you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram.
207
00:11:48,026 --> 00:11:51,950
So, my advice to anyone more vital to the mission than me is:
208
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,760
if you die, I'll kill you.
209
00:11:59,373 --> 00:12:01,826
Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake.
210
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Flight Coordinator George Mclntyre.
211
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:12,352
George!
212
00:12:20,933 --> 00:12:22,840
OK. Just one thing before the disco.
213
00:12:23,133 --> 00:12:26,520
Holly has sensed a non-human life form aboard.
214
00:12:26,533 --> 00:12:27,546
Sir, it's Rimmer!
215
00:12:28,306 --> 00:12:30,493
We don't know what it is, Lister.
216
00:12:30,893 --> 00:12:32,146
So just be careful, OK?
217
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:33,760
I'm turning you in, Rimmer.
218
00:12:34,893 --> 00:12:36,653
Ooooh!
219
00:12:38,053 --> 00:12:40,466
Right. They're bound to ask the right thigh,
220
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:42,066
which is 10%.
221
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:46,030
They, they must ask the left thigh, which is 20%.
222
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,253
They've got to ask one of the forearms.
223
00:12:49,293 --> 00:12:52,230
Which means I've passed already! Anything on the left shin's a bonus!
224
00:12:54,410 --> 00:12:55,000
Right.
225
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:58,000
Cutie: current under tension is...
226
00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,670
What's this? Current under tension is equal?
227
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,630
Current under tension is expandable?
228
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,180
Current under tension is expensive?
229
00:13:06,853 --> 00:13:08,146
What does this mean?
230
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:10,146
What does any of this mean?
231
00:13:10,140 --> 00:13:13,133
I've covered my body in complete and utter
232
00:13:13,133 --> 00:13:16,653
and total absolute nonsense gibberish!
233
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Aaaargh! Just relax, relax, relax, relax...
234
00:13:22,506 --> 00:13:25,386
Er, plus 20% of the ship's course minus
235
00:13:25,386 --> 00:13:28,780
the Pythagoras theorem multiplied by two over the x axis
236
00:13:28,780 --> 00:13:30,733
minus one equals the total velocity of Red Dwarf,
237
00:13:30,730 --> 00:13:32,586
which means I know everything about astro-engineering.
238
00:13:32,580 --> 00:13:34,133
Morning, Lister, for probably the last time.
239
00:13:36,426 --> 00:13:37,880
Got it all down, have you, Rimmer?
240
00:13:38,266 --> 00:13:40,000
Couple of blanks, but I think I'm there.
241
00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:42,746
So you can't remember anything?
242
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:44,813
Think what you will, Lister.
243
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,306
Rimmer, F- I-S-H, that's how you spell "Fish".
244
00:13:48,450 --> 00:13:49,693
Then you just keel over.
245
00:13:49,690 --> 00:13:51,920
I'm sure it'll all come flooding back to you.
246
00:13:52,533 --> 00:13:53,626
Dry up, Lister.
247
00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:58,520
Will entrants for the engineer's examination,
248
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:00,746
now make their way to the teaching room.
249
00:14:01,293 --> 00:14:02,800
Well, Rimmer, honestly, good luck.
250
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:08,666
It's all right, Lister. I'm in complete and total control.
251
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:17,960
Lock.
252
00:14:18,613 --> 00:14:19,466
Lock!
253
00:14:31,666 --> 00:14:35,440
Frankenstein! Ah, come on, Frankenstein!
254
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,710
Oh, you're getting really big now, you know?
255
00:14:45,186 --> 00:14:48,550
I hope it's not twins. You've already got all me milk ration.
256
00:14:48,550 --> 00:14:52,306
Nevermind. When the baby cat comes, maybe we'll give him water and pretend it's milk.
257
00:14:52,333 --> 00:14:53,920
It's only a baby cat, it won't know, eh?
258
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:54,720
eh?
259
00:14:54,866 --> 00:14:57,390
Do you want to see my picture of Fiji, Frankie?
260
00:14:57,666 --> 00:14:59,560
You'll love it there. Look.
261
00:15:05,306 --> 00:15:07,310
OK. You've got three hours.
262
00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:10,470
No modems, no speaking slide-rules.
263
00:15:11,173 --> 00:15:12,426
Turn over and start. Good luck.
264
00:16:39,973 --> 00:16:41,160
Where's the Captain's office?
265
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,880
It's over there where it says, "Captain's Office."
266
00:16:43,906 --> 00:16:47,573
- Where it's always said "Captain's Office."
- So that's the Captain's office!
267
00:16:47,906 --> 00:16:48,853
So how are you, then?
268
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:49,520
Fine.
269
00:16:49,586 --> 00:16:51,280
Do you know what he wants to see me for?
270
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,920
Yes, I think you've been promoted to Admiral!
271
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:55,066
Oh, yeah?
272
00:16:55,060 --> 00:16:55,840
Yeah.
273
00:16:55,866 --> 00:16:58,506
For your diligence and general devotion to duty.
274
00:16:58,946 --> 00:16:59,720
Oh, yeah.
275
00:17:00,013 --> 00:17:00,933
Lister!
276
00:17:06,066 --> 00:17:07,453
You asked to see me, Captain?
277
00:17:08,613 --> 00:17:09,426
Where's the cat?
278
00:17:10,546 --> 00:17:10,960
What?
279
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:12,733
What cat?
280
00:17:13,146 --> 00:17:16,013
Lister, not only are you so stupid
281
00:17:16,013 --> 00:17:18,200
you bring aboard an unquarantined animal
282
00:17:18,213 --> 00:17:20,990
and jeopardize every man and woman on this ship...
283
00:17:21,026 --> 00:17:25,013
not only that, but you take a photo of yourself with the cat
284
00:17:25,010 --> 00:17:27,660
and send it to be processed in the ship's lab.
285
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:31,838
Now, I'm gonna ask you again, do you have a cat?
286
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:32,573
No.
287
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:34,853
Have you got a cat?
288
00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:36,580
Yes, that one.
289
00:17:36,693 --> 00:17:38,066
Where did you get it, Titan?
290
00:17:38,106 --> 00:17:38,653
Yes.
291
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,710
Don't you realize that that thing could be carrying "anything"?
292
00:17:41,733 --> 00:17:44,790
Don't you remember what happened on the Oregon with the rabbits?
293
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,910
Lister, a loose animal aboard this ship could get anywhere.
294
00:17:47,946 --> 00:17:50,870
It could get into the air ducts, it could get into Holly.
295
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:53,910
You know, a little nibble here and a little nibble there, Lister,
296
00:17:53,910 --> 00:17:56,560
before you know it, we're flying backwards.
297
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,230
Now, I want that cat, and I want it NOW.
298
00:17:59,266 --> 00:18:02,386
Sir, just suppose I did have a cat.
299
00:18:02,386 --> 00:18:03,400
Just suppose.
300
00:18:04,266 --> 00:18:05,800
What would you do with Frankenstein?
301
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:09,660
I'd send it down to the medical center, and I'd have it cut up and tests run on it.
302
00:18:10,010 --> 00:18:12,080
Would you put it back together when you're finished?
303
00:18:12,973 --> 00:18:15,066
Lister, the cat would be dead.
304
00:18:15,586 --> 00:18:17,733
So, with respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?
305
00:18:17,786 --> 00:18:19,880
Lister, give me that cat!
306
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:21,786
See, it's not as easy as that.
307
00:18:22,146 --> 00:18:24,146
Me and the cat, we're gonna have a baby cat,
308
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,870
and, and we're gonna buy a farm on Fiji,
309
00:18:26,870 --> 00:18:29,213
we're gonna have a sheep and a cow and three horses.
310
00:18:29,226 --> 00:18:34,030
It's me plan, and no one can get in the way of it, not even you, and I do respect you.
311
00:18:34,173 --> 00:18:35,173
Sir!
312
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:40,053
Lister, do you want to go into stasis for the rest of the trip and forfeit 18 months' wages?
313
00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:40,640
No
314
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,200
You wanna hand over that cat?
315
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,133
No.
316
00:18:43,546 --> 00:18:44,640
Choose.
317
00:18:46,890 --> 00:18:48,760
Look Dave, no one wants to go through with this.
318
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,240
It's OK, I can handle it.
319
00:18:52,186 --> 00:18:53,493
Rimmer, are you all right?
320
00:18:53,973 --> 00:18:55,213
I can't really remember.
321
00:18:55,210 --> 00:18:56,760
I think I did white well.
322
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:01,093
Is this going to hurt?
323
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:02,840
Haven't you ever traveled interstellar?
324
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:03,400
No
325
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:04,640
Oh, you don't feel a thing.
326
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,438
The stasis room creates a static field of time.
327
00:19:07,453 --> 00:19:11,653
See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate the stasis field.
328
00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:14,560
So, although you exist, you no longer exist in time, and
329
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,160
for you time itself does not exist.
330
00:19:16,386 --> 00:19:19,733
You see, although you are still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time,
331
00:19:19,730 --> 00:19:22,386
you are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero.
332
00:19:22,546 --> 00:19:24,430
Oh, simple as that, eh?
333
00:19:25,053 --> 00:19:26,226
OK, I'm ready.
334
00:19:26,220 --> 00:19:27,426
See you in 18 months.
335
00:19:29,533 --> 00:19:31,080
Holly, activate the stasis field.
336
00:19:31,173 --> 00:19:32,146
OK, Frank.
337
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:57,030
Good morning, Dave. It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis.
338
00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:58,200
I've only just gone in.
339
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,773
Please proceed to the Drive Room for debriefing,
340
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:07,960
Where is everybody, Hol?
341
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:09,426
They're dead, Dave.
342
00:20:10,413 --> 00:20:11,400
Who is?
343
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:12,653
Everybody, Dave.
344
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:15,186
What, Captain Hollister?
345
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:16,906
Everybody's dead, Dave.
346
00:20:17,666 --> 00:20:19,173
What, Todhunter?
347
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:21,066
Everybody's dead, Dave.
348
00:20:22,213 --> 00:20:23,333
What, Selby?
349
00:20:23,373 --> 00:20:24,386
They're all dead,
350
00:20:24,380 --> 00:20:26,173
Everybody's dead, Dave.
351
00:20:27,346 --> 00:20:28,866
Petersen isn't, is he?
352
00:20:28,986 --> 00:20:30,860
Everybody is dead, Dave,
353
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:32,600
Not Chen?
354
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:36,773
Gordon Bennet! Yes, Chen. Everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave.
355
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:37,893
Rimmer?
356
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:42,230
He's dead, Dave. Everybody is dead. Everybody is dead, Dave!
357
00:20:43,133 --> 00:20:43,840
Wait.
358
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,346
Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
359
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,626
I should have never let him out in the first place.
360
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:51,760
How?
361
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:54,400
The drive plate was badly repaired,
362
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:55,120
it blew,
363
00:20:55,210 --> 00:20:58,600
and the entire crew was subjected to a lethal dose of cadmium 2
364
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:00,160
before I could seal the area,
365
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:01,653
Well this is terrible!
366
00:21:02,173 --> 00:21:04,866
And why is it so dirty 'round here, Hol? What is this stuff?
367
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,453
That is Catering Officer Olaf Petersen,
368
00:21:09,733 --> 00:21:11,186
I've been eating half the crew!
369
00:21:12,533 --> 00:21:13,386
And who's that?
370
00:21:13,653 --> 00:21:15,080
That's Captain Hollister.
371
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:16,173
And that's Todhunter.
372
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:18,170
No, that's Second Technician Rimmer.
373
00:21:18,613 --> 00:21:19,520
Oh, yeah?
374
00:21:20,013 --> 00:21:21,933
I didn't recognise him without his report book.
375
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,826
What was Rimmer doing in the Drive Room?
376
00:21:24,820 --> 00:21:28,173
He was explaining to the captain why he hadn't sealed the drive plate properly,
377
00:21:28,786 --> 00:21:29,986
So wait on.
378
00:21:30,453 --> 00:21:32,453
How long was I in stasis?
379
00:21:32,626 --> 00:21:36,270
Well, I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe background level,
380
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:37,760
How long?
381
00:21:38,106 --> 00:21:39,160
Three million years.
382
00:21:39,333 --> 00:21:41,106
Three million years!
383
00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:43,880
I've still got that library book.
384
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:48,910
What about Krissie? What about Krissie Kochanski?
385
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:50,280
She's dead, Dave.
386
00:21:50,506 --> 00:21:51,506
Aw, hey!
387
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:56,669
I don't suppose it's any consolation, but if she were still alive, the age difference would be insurmountable.
388
00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,533
She was part of me plan.
389
00:22:00,026 --> 00:22:03,230
I never got 'round to telling her, but she was gonna come with me to Fiji.
390
00:22:03,266 --> 00:22:06,070
She was gonna wear a white dress and ride the horses.
391
00:22:06,253 --> 00:22:08,640
I was going to take care of everything else. It was me plan.
392
00:22:09,213 --> 00:22:10,053
I planned it!
393
00:22:10,253 --> 00:22:12,800
Well, she won't be much use to you on Fiji now...
394
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,792
not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with,
395
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:20,200
Holly!
396
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:24,413
Sorry, I'm sorry about that, I've been on me own for three million years,
397
00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:26,266
and I'm just used to saying what I think.
398
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,093
I think I've gone a bit peculiar, to tell you the truth.
399
00:22:29,626 --> 00:22:32,030
So everyone's dead? I'm on me own? It's just me?
400
00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:33,680
Well, technically speaking, yeah.
401
00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:35,560
What 'cha you mean, "technically speaking"?
402
00:22:38,533 --> 00:22:39,240
Hello, Lister.
403
00:22:39,986 --> 00:22:41,386
Long time no see.
404
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:42,893
Rimmer, you're a hologram?!?
405
00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:44,546
Yes. That's because I'm dead.
406
00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:46,493
Dead as a can of Spam.
407
00:22:47,066 --> 00:22:48,360
And it's all thanks to you.
408
00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:49,653
Me? What did I do?
409
00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:51,920
If you hadn't kept that stupid cat, Lister
410
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:56,270
and hadn't been sent to stasis, I would have had some help when I was mending the drive plate and I wouldn't be dead.
411
00:22:57,120 --> 00:22:58,080
What's it feel like?
412
00:22:58,440 --> 00:22:58,986
Death?
413
00:22:59,613 --> 00:23:01,746
It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.
414
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:03,533
No,
415
00:23:03,533 --> 00:23:05,530
I mean being a hologram.
416
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:07,893
Do you mind?
417
00:23:08,266 --> 00:23:09,773
Being a hologram is fine, Lister.
418
00:23:09,770 --> 00:23:11,093
I still have the same drives,
419
00:23:11,090 --> 00:23:13,266
the same feelings, the same emotions,
420
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,533
but I can't touch anything.
421
00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:18,872
Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek,
422
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:20,893
cradle a laughing child,
423
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:23,480
or interfere with a woman sexually.
424
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,160
Rimmer, you never used to do any of those things anyway!
425
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:28,760
But I would have done one day, murderer!
426
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,186
Hey, hey, I didn't do anything!
427
00:23:30,180 --> 00:23:33,306
It was YOU who didn't fix the drive plates properly.
428
00:23:33,346 --> 00:23:34,680
Is this me here?
429
00:23:35,093 --> 00:23:35,706
Yeah.
430
00:23:35,700 --> 00:23:36,440
Me?
431
00:23:36,893 --> 00:23:38,510
Come on Rimmer, look on the bright side.
432
00:23:38,933 --> 00:23:39,840
The bright side?
433
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:41,106
What bright side?
434
00:23:41,626 --> 00:23:43,920
I'm dead. I'm composed entirely of light,
435
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:47,426
and I'm alone in space with a man who'd lose a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana!
436
00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:48,800
Where's the bright side?
437
00:23:49,493 --> 00:23:50,533
What's an iguana?
438
00:23:51,106 --> 00:23:53,506
And look, look, you're not dead, are ya?
439
00:23:53,693 --> 00:23:54,893
I'm mean you're dead,
440
00:23:54,890 --> 00:23:57,600
but you're not "dead" dead, because you're still here aren't ya!
441
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,346
Lister, I'm not really here!
442
00:23:59,453 --> 00:24:01,440
I'm not really me! Don't you see?
443
00:24:01,493 --> 00:24:03,750
I'm a computer simulation of me.
444
00:24:03,906 --> 00:24:06,866
That's me, there, that pile of albino mouse droppings.
445
00:24:07,093 --> 00:24:08,253
Come on.
446
00:24:08,250 --> 00:24:09,893
Lots of people have died.
447
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,733
Lots have died and gone on and done really, really well.
448
00:24:13,546 --> 00:24:15,190
You're a hologram. So what?
449
00:24:15,293 --> 00:24:16,733
I suppose you're right, Lister.
450
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:19,013
I've got to pull myself together.
451
00:24:19,226 --> 00:24:20,266
But you've got to help me.
452
00:24:20,266 --> 00:24:22,260
You've got to be my hands and my touch.
453
00:24:22,706 --> 00:24:25,426
I know what you like to touch. No way, Rimmer. Forget it.
454
00:24:26,666 --> 00:24:28,786
Are you smoking Lister? In the Drive Room?
455
00:24:28,853 --> 00:24:31,986
Yeah. I stopped for quite a while, but I'm back on them now.
456
00:24:32,653 --> 00:24:34,346
You're on report, squire.
457
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:39,800
I can't write it down.
458
00:24:40,266 --> 00:24:41,120
I'll remember it.
459
00:24:42,860 --> 00:24:45,560
Rimmer, look, I know it's wrong of me to speak ill of the dead and all that
460
00:24:45,570 --> 00:24:46,866
but you're still a smeghead.
461
00:24:46,986 --> 00:24:47,800
I beg your pardon?
462
00:24:47,813 --> 00:24:49,906
I said, you're still a smeghead.
463
00:24:50,106 --> 00:24:52,213
Do you have any conception of the penalty
464
00:24:52,210 --> 00:24:55,392
for describing a deceased superior technician as a smeghead?
465
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:08,813
Lister, will you listen to me.
466
00:25:08,810 --> 00:25:10,106
Just listen to me.
467
00:25:10,106 --> 00:25:12,100
Just, just shut up. Shut up.
468
00:25:19,853 --> 00:25:22,750
Aaahhh! Aow! Eeee!
469
00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:25,573
How am I looking?
470
00:25:28,986 --> 00:25:30,133
Looking nice.
471
00:25:30,733 --> 00:25:31,826
No, wait a minute.
472
00:25:31,973 --> 00:25:33,773
I'm looking better than nice.
473
00:25:33,770 --> 00:25:35,186
I'm looking dangerous.
474
00:25:36,226 --> 00:25:38,226
Dangerous!
475
00:25:39,093 --> 00:25:40,220
Hey, what's that?
476
00:25:41,786 --> 00:25:43,146
Oh, it's my shadow.
477
00:25:43,493 --> 00:25:45,480
Hey, even my shadow's looking nice.
478
00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,280
I'm looking nice. My shadow's looking nice.
479
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:49,373
What a team!
480
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,306
We are unbelievable!
481
00:25:51,300 --> 00:25:52,933
OK, team, this way.
482
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:55,440
No, this way.
483
00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:01,053
This way!
484
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:03,830
Lister, just hold your horses, listen to me...
485
00:26:08,853 --> 00:26:09,720
Uh, oh!
486
00:26:10,786 --> 00:26:12,360
Better make myself look big!
487
00:26:17,266 --> 00:26:19,830
Fearsome. I was fearsome!
488
00:26:19,933 --> 00:26:23,510
# me and my shadow, ooohhh! #
489
00:26:23,533 --> 00:26:25,870
Come on, boy! # Walking down the... #
490
00:26:31,133 --> 00:26:32,670
Holly, what was that?
491
00:26:33,093 --> 00:26:36,240
During the radioactive crisis, Dave, your cat and her kittens
492
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:37,826
were safely sealed in the hold,
493
00:26:37,933 --> 00:26:40,110
and they've been breeding there for three million years,
494
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,466
and have evolved into the life form you just saw in the corridor
495
00:26:43,866 --> 00:26:44,986
I don't get it.
496
00:26:45,053 --> 00:26:47,306
Well, you know man evolved from apes?
497
00:26:47,300 --> 00:26:48,213
Yeah, I know that.
498
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,653
He evolved from cats, his ancestors were cats,
499
00:26:51,650 --> 00:26:54,478
He's descended from cats, he is a cat.
500
00:26:54,493 --> 00:26:57,560
Aaahhh, ooohhh, yeah...
501
00:26:59,080 --> 00:26:59,866
Hello...
502
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:02,013
Cat?
503
00:27:02,626 --> 00:27:04,733
Whoa! Crease!
504
00:27:07,573 --> 00:27:08,613
Stand back, Lister.
505
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:18,600
Here you go, Cat.
506
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:20,213
Ah, crispies!
507
00:27:20,226 --> 00:27:21,533
Holly says you like these.
508
00:27:23,173 --> 00:27:25,180
Hey! You monkeys eat off the floor?
509
00:27:25,933 --> 00:27:28,550
Ain't you got no style or sophistication?
510
00:27:28,573 --> 00:27:30,746
I'm sorry, Cat. I'm sorry.
511
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:33,066
You people are unbelievable.
512
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:38,733
Where are all your other catty friends, Cat?
513
00:27:39,173 --> 00:27:40,893
Good crispies, man!
514
00:27:40,893 --> 00:27:42,400
But where are all the other little kitties?
515
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:44,226
Are they gone? Are they dead? Have they left, yeah?
516
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:45,346
Who cares?
517
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:46,880
I want it off the ship!
518
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:47,840
No!
519
00:27:48,293 --> 00:27:50,226
He's coming home with us, aren't you, Cat?
520
00:27:50,573 --> 00:27:52,580
Home? And where exactly is home supposed to be?
521
00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:53,373
Earth.
522
00:27:53,453 --> 00:27:55,493
Earth? What makes you think there'll be any Earth Lister?
523
00:27:55,490 --> 00:27:58,360
And even if there is, look what it's done to a household pet in three million years.
524
00:27:58,426 --> 00:28:00,710
Can you imagine what humankind has evolved into?
525
00:28:01,213 --> 00:28:04,666
To them, you'll be the equivalent of the slime that first crawled out the oceans.
526
00:28:04,853 --> 00:28:06,373
I could smarten meself up a bit.
527
00:28:06,370 --> 00:28:07,653
Nah, you're a dinosaur.
528
00:28:07,650 --> 00:28:09,053
You're extinct. You've got nothing.
529
00:28:09,050 --> 00:28:11,293
Hey, hey! I've still got me plan.
530
00:28:11,586 --> 00:28:15,270
And I've still got a cat. Okay, it's not Frankenstein, but it's still a cat.
531
00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:16,706
Did you say Frankenstein?
532
00:28:16,700 --> 00:28:20,026
Yeah, she was your great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother or something.
533
00:28:20,146 --> 00:28:22,093
The Holy Mother? The Virgin Birth?
534
00:28:22,853 --> 00:28:24,613
No one believes that stuff.
535
00:28:24,853 --> 00:28:26,520
The Virgin Birth?!
536
00:28:27,253 --> 00:28:29,640
No, it was a big black tom on Titan.
537
00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:31,080
Frankenstein, yeah!
538
00:28:31,213 --> 00:28:33,573
I remember that stuff from kitty school.
539
00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:37,270
The Holy Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid,
540
00:28:37,666 --> 00:28:39,160
who was frozen in time,
541
00:28:39,373 --> 00:28:41,733
and gaveth of his life that we might live.
542
00:28:42,293 --> 00:28:46,213
No! No, it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister!
543
00:28:46,253 --> 00:28:48,626
It's Lister the... stupid?!
544
00:28:49,893 --> 00:28:52,600
Who shall returneth to lead us to Fuchal,
545
00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:53,960
the Promised Land.
546
00:28:54,613 --> 00:28:56,626
No, it's not Fuchal, it's Fiji!
547
00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:57,546
And I will!
548
00:28:57,973 --> 00:28:59,080
I'll lead you there.
549
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:00,626
That's where we're going.
550
00:29:00,620 --> 00:29:03,373
Holly, plot a course for Fiji.
551
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:04,933
Look out, Earth.
552
00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:07,226
The slime's coming home!
553
00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:15,493
# It's cold outside,
There's no kind of atmosphere
554
00:29:15,573 --> 00:29:18,970
# I'm all alone, more or less
555
00:29:18,973 --> 00:29:22,150
# Let me fly far away from here
556
00:29:22,240 --> 00:29:25,000
# Fun, fun, fun
557
00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:28,790
# In the sun, sun, sun
558
00:29:28,813 --> 00:29:32,240
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
559
00:29:32,240 --> 00:29:35,146
# Drinking fresh mango juice
560
00:29:35,493 --> 00:29:38,880
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
561
00:29:38,893 --> 00:29:41,560
# Fun, fun, fun
562
00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:41,613
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
563
00:29:41,613 --> 00:29:45,253
# In the sun, sun, sun
564
00:29:45,493 --> 00:29:48,253
# Fun, fun, fun
565
00:29:48,266 --> 00:29:52,346
# In the sun, sun, sun #
43120
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