Original subtitles

Previously...

This is the house of a Silver Washington distributor.

Hmm.

- Splashercize is a hit. - Mm-hmm.

Y'all just stay put.

It's a recruiting tool.

You can tell him I'm improving the Garbeau System.

I need to speak to Obie Garbeau ASA-fucking-P.

'Cause if you were a Washington, you would be invited

to his retreat next week at Paradise Cay.

How do I become a Washington?

I know what you're up to.

What you're doing is dangerous.

You tapped a whole new market.

And I'm going to Paradise Cay.

We went Washington.

And we're gonna get a one-on-one with Obie.

And we're gonna get what we want.

Oftentimes at night,

I dream about America.

I dream about a land so rich in opportunity

that it geysers up from the ground like oil,

bursting to touch the heavens.

I dream of a simpler time...

... when Injuns roamed,

and Buffalo Bill and Annie Oakley were out there

keeping the West good and wild.

And thanks to the Garbeau System, when I wake up in whatever home

of mine I've laid my head down in, it's like I'm still dreaming.

Maybe you dream of luxury.

Caviar for breakfast, Kobe beef for lunch.

Speeding down the highway in that Italian car with that Italian gal.

Owning your life so your life doesn't own you.

I'm so glad you're taking a vacation.

Paradise Cay is not a vacation.

I'm only going so I can get my Splashercize class back.

Well, it sounds tropical.

Oh...

A weekend away won't mean anything.

Destinee's gonna grow up knowing

her mama's a hard-working lady.

- You think? - I know.

Mama's got to go. I love you.

Mmm-mmm-mmm, give me sugar.

I love you.

- All right. Thank y'all. Bye. - Ah.

- Go get 'em, girl. - Of course.

- Okay. - You say, "Bye-bye, Mama"?

Say "Bye-bye, Mama.

Bye-bye."

My grandpa used to say to me,

"Obie, you got a penny, you save that penny

for a rainy day, and by gosh, it'll be worth a nickel."

And that's why I love rainy days...

'cause one day, a big storm might come.

And if you don't have those nickels saved up,

you're gonna get washed away.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

Who gets it done?

FAM, Washington.

Who gets it done?

FAM, Washington.

Who gets it done?

FAM, Washington.

Who gets it done?

FAM, Washington.

Who gets it done?

FAM, Washington.

Who gets it done?

FAM, Washington.

Who gets it done?

- FAM, Washington. - FAM, Washington.

- Hi. - When we get in there

and find Obie, you just let me do the talking, okay?

Oh, no. No can do.

You don't just walk up to Obie Garbeau II, Krystal.

You have to be invited.

What do you notice about all these Washingtons?

They're all white.

Couples. They're all couples.

- FAM values, family values. Yes. - Family values.

You know we're sharing a room, right?

Oh, here we are. Paradise Cay.

Look at this.

- How you doing? - Hi.

- Come on in. - Who gets it done?

FAM, Washington.

Who gets it done? FAM, Washington.

Who gets it done?

FAM, Washington.

Who gets it done? FAM, Washington.

Who gets it done?

FAM, Washington.

Welcome to Paradise Cay.

You all worked hard to get here,

and the work has just begun.

You all might recognize me from the brochures.

I'm Harmony.

It's my pleasure to be your emcee

during your stay here in Paradise.

Now, if every couple

could send their man to check in,

the women can have a drink.

- How are you, dear? - Good to see you.

I'm guessing there's no booze in this?

Your hair looks real nice.

Where do you think Obie's at?

I don't know.

Probably off somewhere closing a multimillion-dollar deal.

I said I really like your hair like that.

I heard you the first time.

I'll go get us our room.

Welcome, yeah.

Roger.

I want to talk to Obie.

Everybody does.

- Thank you. - Next.

Hi. Um, keys for Cody Bonar

- and, um... - Absolutely.

Krystal Stubbs. She's my, uh...

She's my lady.

- She's my-my partner. - Mm.

- Right. - My lady partner.

Can you believe that?

Mm-hmm.

_

- What is this? - Hey!

That's, uh, for Obie.

Well, that's one way to get his attention.

Can I have it back?

There's no need to be shy, Krystal.

Carol made a gift for Obie, too.

Well, I just wanted to thank Obie

for the extraordinary wealth that FAM has given us.

It says, "Be a peli-can, not a peli-can't."

She stitched it herself.

Isn't she a stitch?

Aw...

Well, Krystal, darling, I hope you don't have your heart set

on meeting with Obie.

You know, he only meets with one couple.

How does he decide who to meet?

Well, it's sort of like a competition.

Okay, so when's the competition start?

Honey, it already has.

I got our keys.

Got these cool name tags.

You ready? You want to check out our room?

I heard the sheets have a very high thread count.

Wow.

Oh, they're beautiful.

I think they're creepy.

Hmm.

Quality spread.

So, are we sleeping head to toe or...

Will you zip it?

- I'm calling Destinee. - Zipped.

Why aren't they answering?

You know, I love how your nails are like cute little claws.

Cody! Can you just... be less you?

I need a minute.

Sorry.

I'll go change.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

We need to strategize what we're gonna say to Obie.

You don't lay these kinds of things on a man

like Obie Garbeau.

Honey, something is wrong.

We should be making six figures,

not taking out a second mortgage.

You quit your practice.

If you go negative on FAM, what are you gonna do next, hmm?

Mow lawns?

What's that?

My new dress... for the banquet.

Like it?

I won't cut the tags.

I love you, you know.

I know it.

Mm.

Hey.

Let's crush these losers.

You don't have to apologize all the time, you know.

Yeah, I know.

I get on your nerves.

Yeah, you drive me crazy, but who cares?

I care.

What?

Come out here.

I said I care.

Put your pants on.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Why do you care, Cody?

Because when... when we...

When you let me...

Cody.

That was special to me.

We should get going.

Yeah, yeah. Can't be late.

Let me see you in this.

Now zip me up.

Hailing from Orlando adjacent,

it's Carroll and Carol Wilkes.

What?

I like this outfit on you.

Also from very near Orlando,

put your hands together for...

Yeah, but are they married?

Okay, sorry, folks.

Uh, now, let's pound those palms

for Cody Bonar and, uh, Krystal Stubbs.

Is everyone else here married?

Yes. Everyone but, uh, but Nigel.

Hi. Hi, Nigel.

So, are we losing?

I feel like I'm winning.

And now,

the man who made this all possible...

the creator and progenitor of the incomparable

Garbeau System,

it's Obie Garbeau II.

And, as always, by his side,

the first lady of making dreams come true,

his beautiful wife, Louise.

Okay, settle down.

You know, folks,

I've always felt that we could learn a great deal

from our brethren in the animal kingdom.

But none more so than the noble pelican.

Now, why do I revere this beautiful bird?

The pelican is an animal both wily and fierce.

She's graceful

as she soars through the sky searching for food,

yet ruthless...

when she dive-bombs for her prey.

She observes.

She plans.

Attacks!

Learn from the pelican.

- Yeah! - Yeah! Yes!

Tapes of this presentation

will be available for five dollars.

- Thank you. - Yeah!

Oh...

Oh, here comes the grub.

- FAM-burger Helper. - Come on.

- Great. - I do, I love this stuff.

You put a little pepper on it, I could eat this all day.

Oh, and you do.

- And I do. - So, now, Carol,

I am just sitting here, loving your dress.

Oh, this old thing?

I'm just kidding. It's brand-new.

- FAM has been so good to us. - Us, too.

Fact, we just bought ourselves a second boat.

Ski boat.

Oh. How darling.

Oh, and your earrings are darling, too.

- Enjoy. - Oh, I got them at this divine

little boutique in Boca...

- We love Boca. - Toilet paper must be

selling really well to, uh...

get yourself a new boat, huh?

I'm not eating any of this crap.

Are you selling the one-ply?

- Mm-hmm. - One-ply.

- So do we. - Right?

Personally, I'm glad FAM doesn't make two-ply.

I think one-ply is just fine, thank you,

I mean, unless there's something wrong with your...

I need some air.

- Oh. - Oh.

Um, as I was saying, i-if I want two-ply,

you know what I do? I just fold my one-ply. Ha!

- That's math. - Smart, that's it.

Hey.

Hey!

Hey! Hey, I know you.

What are you doing here?

Just trying my best to help out.

I thought you told me Obie Garbeau was a killer.

Yeah.

A killer businessman.

No.

You hate Obie.

You made that pretty clear.

Please just...

don't talk to me.

Not now,

not ever again.

Jesus.

Oh-oh, shit.

Gomes residence.

Bets. Sorry to call so late.

How's Neenee?

Oh, she's good. She ate like a champion,

then she pooped like a champion.

Now she's fast asleep.

That's my girl.

I tried y'all earlier.

We went to the park.

Harold wanted to show Destinee the ducklings.

Bets, I know I'm crazy,

but can I hear her breathe?

Oh, honey, that isn't crazy at all.

Hold on just a sec, okay?

Okay, here she is.

Bets?

I'm here.

Thank you.

Make us proud.

Hi! Where did you go?

You left me alone

- at a couples' banquet, Krystal. - No, Cody...

- Yes! - No, the weirdest thing hap...

- Cody, please. - I got stuck

talking to Nigel, Krystal.

I mean, how... how are we supposed to win

if you're not even playing?

What's "winning"? What's "playing"?

- Shh. - I-I'm here to talk to Obie,

not take this crap from you.

Oh, you think I want to give you crud?

I don't want to give you crud.

I just, I just... You know what I want?

I just, I just want to make you happy.

What do I have to do, Krystal, to make you happy?

Tell me, please.

Well, you can start by taking your head out of your ass

and shoving it in the toilet where it belongs.

Yes, ma'am.

- Anything you want. - Cody?

Cody!

Anything else?

Flush it.

- Will I die? - Oh, God, I hope so.

What now?

Take your pants off.

You're not a virgin, are you?

No.

I'm-I'm very good at sex.

I want you to fuck me so good

that I forget where I am and what I'm doing here.

Don't you dare kiss me, toilet boy.

Wake up.

Get to the ballroom, now.

Shit.

Crap.

Hi, I'm Todd Burger, this is my wife Trina.

In my old life, I was just a clerk in a sporting goods store.

I hated my J-O-B, and I hated my boss,

who was a royal S-O-B.

One day, at my brother's son's funeral,

a friend of his started explaining the Garbeau System,

and it was like a...

like a religious revelation.

I was addicted to caffeine.

I was addicted to marijuana,

smoked it two or three times a week.

I ate pills for breakfast,

and Wild Turkey for lunch.

The whiskey, not the lunch meat.

I ate cat food, dog food, bird food,

uh, some human food, but not a lot.

At my lowest, I put a gun in my mouth.

But, friends, I'm proud to say that now

I put Obie's words in my mouth,

and my downline does whatever I say!

Yes.

I have to laugh when I think about how low I was.

But recently I did something to make sure I never get that low again.

I bought a hang glider.

Yowzah!

Now I have a steam room and a sauna.

Sometimes I want to sweat, and I can't even decide how.

All right, honey.

Are you ready to bring it?

- Yeah. - Come on.

- Hello. - Hi.

Hi. Hello, everybody.

- I'm Carroll. - And I'm Carol.

And I have always been obsessed with smiles, so,

in my 20s, I started my own dental practice

- and met this pretty little lady... - Oh.

when she walked in with those pearly whites.

Or at-at least now they're pearly whites.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I-I, I-I fixed her up.

We-we fell in love,

and-and I married her as quick as I could.

Yeah, I was, uh...

I-I was doing pretty good, actually.

I, uh, I was happy.

- I... - Well, not as happy as we are now.

Thanks to FAM, we are now living in our dream house.

- Yeah. - I'm talking eight bathrooms,

six bedrooms, a game room.

I mean, I swear, he's gonna leave me for Ms. Pac-Man one day.

That's right.

Hey, you want to know the best part?

Are you ready, honey?

FAM gives us strength!

Yes.

Holy crap, Cody. I know what to do.

- No. I can't lift you like that. - No, no, no.

Really?

- You serious? - Mm-hmm.

Hello, FAM family.

I'm Cody.

Cody Bonar.

I'm a proud Washington.

Mr. Garbeau, this is such an honor.

I can barely stand it.

You're the father I wish I had.

And you're the man I want to be.

But best of all,

you gave me the love of a good woman.

Which is why I want you to see this.

- Oh. - Cody!

Krystal Stubbs...

you've...

you've made me happier...

than I've ever been.

Oh, my goodness, can you believe this?

I love you.

And I'm in love with you.

Will you marry me?

Yes! Yes.

Yes, yes. Yes.

I like the strong man.

Baby, we did it.

- Oh, man! - Oh...

Okay.

Can you believe how strong Carroll is? That's...

I can't right now.

With you and FAM.

I just want to fucking scream.

Well, you sure aren't acting like a Washington.

We just lost.

How am I supposed to act?

Well, you can't look desperate, because Obie hates that.

I am desperate.

I'm a single mom and I was finally making things work.

And that man took it away from me.

You're not single.

Let me clarify something for you.

That... was a big old bag of bullcrap.

But we-we just...

And I know you like bossing me,

and I... a-and I like being bossed...

Yeah, but I don't like you.

Sure you do.

Sort of.

Don't you?

She's not coming back, is she?

Hello?

Hi.

Set that for 220 or it'll burn the roof of your mouth.

And who are you?

Krystal Stubbs.

The alligator widow.

I bet you don't know who Judi Sheppard Missett is, either.

It's 1969,

a-and Judi's teaching a dance class in Chicago.

But...

she's perturbed by the low dropout...

But...

she's perturbed by the high dropout rate,

so she decides to start each class with a little jazz.

Sounds kind of cheesy, right?

Well, today...

- Hmm. - Uh...

Jazzercise is a multimillion-dollar industry

with over 6,000 franchises...

Do you, uh, need to attend to your Hot Pockets?

I work at Rebel Rapids,

not five minutes from Disney World,

where I head up the Splashercize program.

Now, until you shut me down,

I had the entire Orlando downline in there,

and the whole water park stocked to the gills with FAM products.

FAM protein shakes, FAM vitamins, FAM workout videos.

I'm talking about the perfect little FAM outlet

right next door to the Happiest Place

on God's goddamn green Earth.

Now, this book is a plan to franchise Splashercize

to pools around the country, all using the Garbeau name.

Now, any idiot can see that FAM would make more money this way.

And, Mr. Obie Garbeau II, I know you're no idiot.

The best part is, you don't even need to lift a pinky.

All you got to do is nod your head yes.

Time's up, alligator widow.

Look at me talking your ear off, well...

You're probably low blood sugar. I'll just...

leave that.

Got a tip on sales.

Don't be so desperate.

Ah.

Louise.

Louise.

You know... I hate...

fruit!

Oh, my Lord.

Oh, my Lord, oh, my Lord.

Oh, my Lord. Oh, oh, Obie!

Obie, oh, my God, oh.

Oh, my God, are you all right?

Why'd you buy so much fruit?

Um, I was doing what the doctor told me to.

That man wants to see me in my grave.

Oh, now, Peanut.

Honey, you need to rest.

What?

Where are you going?

I will rest when I am dead.

These are the affirmations of Obie Garbeau II.

For private use only.

I am a friend of God.

I am the true and rightful leader of FAM.

I am...

a vehicle of divine know-how.

My parents were fools who deserve

the worms that burrow through their skulls.

I am not cursed with unsightly feet.

Hey.

Louise loves me and me alone.

Females find me appealing to the eye

and to the touch,

but do not require orgasms to prove it.

I am not excessively ticklish.

Elevators are not coffins to heaven.

My heart is robust...

and healthful.

I am the rightful leader of FAM.

You're okay.

It's my heart.

You're okay.

Mr. Garbeau, you've had a mild cardiac event.

Your heartbeat remains arrhythmic,

but no need to worry, we'll fly you down

to a specialist in Miami and have a pacemaker inside you by sundown.

No, uh, no pacemaker.

- Now, Obie... - It's a routine procedure,

and I can assure you the doctor's...

You don't think I know my own body?

Arrhythmia tends to exacerbate anxiety.

Don't you ever talk like I'm not here.

My body knows what to do!

You get him on that chopper.

Garbage bags.

Get me garbage bags!

Mr. Garbeau.

Obie.

That's enough.

Your heart.

It's time for me to meet with the winning Washington couple.

Hey, don't say a bad word.

Yeah, I know what to say, woman.

We just want to tell you that this is the thrill of a lifetime.

Yes, it is.

You've got five minutes.

Uh, Mr. Garbeau, uh,

w-w-we went Washington about a-a year or so ago...

And it's been a blessing ever since.

Right. So blessed.

But I, I just...

I can't understand why our bonus checks aren't bigger.

You know, we should be making six figures,

and I'll be straight with you, I'm lucky to clear 30 grand a year.

I-I'm working 60-hour weeks.

I'm barely getting any sleep.

I-I had savings, now I've got debt,

and my son Carl, we had big plans for him for... school.

I follow this system like scripture.

The tapes, the-the-the-the retreats with the...

- W-We do it all, whole hog. - Yeah, we do.

I know I have to be doing something wrong,

but for the life of me, I can't f...

It's very simple.

Money is like hot air. It's always rising.

Ah...

I sold you that house because I believe in you.

But you need to be honest with yourselves.

You are Silver Washingtons living a Gold Washington lifestyle.

Right, I-I-I said that.

I said that if we were Gold, we wouldn't have these problems...

I mean, challenges.

- No, it makes sense. - Right.

But I'm working as hard as I know how.

Are you?

- What you doing down there? - Huh?

Going Gold.

Can we help?

Uh, here.

- Oh. - Thank you. Oh.

Oh. Oh, my...

Oh, gross.

- Carol? - Hi, Krystal.

Obie gave us a special assignment.

You want to join in?

Why?

The Gold Washingtons are coming next week,

and, I mean, who knows? Maybe we'll be here with them.

You haven't seen Cody, have you?

- Nope. - Probably engagement jitters.

Same thing happened to me.

Are you sure you don't want to scrub in?

Nope.

It's a fast track to success.

Clean.

Well, I thought it was wonderfully done,

and I have to tell you, I love these glasses on you.

And I thought your presentation was better than anyone's.

Mr. Garbeau.

What?

If you got something to say, say it.

The helicopter is gassed and ready.

You were my favorite.

Did you know that?

But somewhere along the way, you began to waver.

I just want you alive and healthy.

You still think that the soul is inside the body, don't you?

Well, you've got it exactly backwards.

It's the body

that's inside one big soul.

Mr. Garbeau, I...

I caught the noble pelican.

You caught that?

Yes.

And then you killed it?

We had a heck of a brawl.

I think I chipped my incisor.

Mr. Garbeau, you...

you once said,

"If you want to achieve greatness...

you're gonna have to make some sacrifices."

So...

Now, this is what true faith looks like.

True faith.

Sir...

What is your name again, son?

Cody.

Cody Bonar.

Cody Bonar.

I've been waiting for someone like you.

Obie, I don't think that...

Cancel the damn chopper.

My friends, this is a world of many masters.

Cody?

Many systems.

Countless people conniving to steal your money

and break your spirit.

Makes a man dizzy sometimes.

Oh.

You keep that dress.

- But, honey... - Oh, you heard Obie.

We're so close.

We just have to work harder.

But if you follow my system,

the Garbeau System,

you serve no one but yourself.

You do know how to shoot, yeah?

Seems pretty intuitive.

Krystal! Excuse me. Hey.

Where have you been?

Where to begin? I, uh, I met with Mr. Garbeau,

and we talked man-to-man,

and he asked me to be on his elite security force.

- Gave me a gun and everything. - Jesus Christ, Cody.

- Is that thing loaded? - Yeah. I think so.

I mean, I don't think the bullets are gold, though,

but it's still, still pretty cool, huh?

- Wow. - Yeah.

What can I say? You must've really impressed him.

Yeah, I guess I did.

Did you ever get to show him that Splashercize book?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah?

Yeah, if he's smart, he'll read it.

Don't worry. Mr. Garbeau and I work closely now.

I'll talk to him.

Oftentimes people will ask me, "Obie,

you're a rich man, a handsome man,

the pinnacle of earthly success.

What is it you sell exactly?"

And I look 'em straight in the peepers

and I tell 'em, "Brother,

I sell people back their souls."

Like the preacher man says, "We all got to serve somebody."

So I want you to ask yourselves,

"Who am I serving?"

"And what did he do with my soul?"

Who gets it done?

FAM Washington.

Who gets it done? FAM Washington.

Stop tape.

I told you, my heart is just fine.

Without that pacemaker, you could die any moment.

I can live with that.

Nice tits.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com