Original subtitles

Previously, on Now, Apocalypse:

- Ahh! - Sorry, dude.

You know, when I first met Jethro...

- Teach me, baby! - Can you slow down a litle bit, please?

Barnabas, you should send me one of your scripts.

For real?

Get on your knees!

If you want to give the "open relationship" thing a... try?

Something... strange seems to be going on here.

This sort of feels like:

- Fate! - Fate.

Carly, don’t you ever get bizarre premonitions?

Breathe! Breathe!

Ahh!

Hey.

Hey.

Oh, hold on a second.

Whoo. Sorry, okay.

Ha! What’s up?

Huh?

You alright? You seem kind of out of it.

I’m fine.

Uh, I just took a spill on my bike.

- But I’m fine though. - You sure?

You, you look like you just saw the Boogeyman.

I’m good.

What-so uh, where, where’s Severine?

Uh, she...

went home.

Everything uh, good with you guys?

Well...

Oh, I love you.

Thank you.

Are you going to finish too?

Uh?

If so, can you please hurry.

I need to go so I can get back to work.

What, you’re not staying over?

I can’t tonight.

But I’ll make it up to you, I promise.

So would you like to ejaculate in my vagina?

I found that's normally faster

than when I pleasure you orally.

I mean, I get it.

She’s doing like really important

top secret government work and shit.

Yeah, but still.

- I know... - Sorry dude.

Everything else okay?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Uh, you know what, I'm, I’m gonna uh, to crash.

Cause I've had a really long night.

Oh, cool.

Uh, Uly?

Nothing. Uh, sweet dreams.

Kay, night.

Whoa.

Oh.

Holy fucking...

Welcome, you found me at last.

My name is Mitchell Kent.

And I’m speaking to you now

as a modern day Paul Revere to warn you

about an alien conspiracy so vast, so pervasive,

it boggles the mind.

And if you raise your voice

to alert others to this plight

you will be ridiculed and scorned.

That’s because they need to silence you.

But I’m telling you.

Right here and now.

Do not let them.

Carly, I’m telling you.

This shit is totally real.

Because you read it on the internet?

Would you just take a look at this?

- What is this? - Just watch it.

As incredible as it may sound

reptilian aliens have been infiltrating media,

the government, every level of our society

- for generations. - Dude, really?

Some jackhole on YouTube is your idea

of empirical evidence.

This is Mitchell Kent.

He’s one of the leading experts

of extraterrestrial lifeforms in the country.

His channel has over two million views.

I’ve seen sneezing cat videos with two billion views.

Okay, here. Look, check this out.

Just read it.

Obama is a reptile.

And Putin, and Hitler, Queen Elizabeth,

Bill Gates, and Beyoncé.

They shape shift...

via mind control projection.

I feel like you’re not taking me seriously.

Your feeling is correct.

I’m sorry, I'm, I’m confused.

You-you saw this whole thing happen and then you didn’t?

Well, it’s a little foggy, but it’s exactly

like this weird nightmare that I’ve been having.

Help me.

But then, I must have passed out or something

because the next thing that I remember.

Ow.

Wait. You woke up

in the same spot where you crashed your bike?

Yeah.

How did you get there?

Did the alien finish like, raping the guy

and then pick you up and carry you like a bride

over the threshold?

- I don’t know. - Okay, Uly.

You know that I heart you like a homely sister.

But how fucking high were you?

- A little bit high? - Exactly.

So please, can we just move on?

Give me all the dirt on sexy angst boy... Gabriel.

Yeah, uh, we kinda really hit it off.

Wait, wait, what if someone sees us?

Isn’t this kind of dangerous?

That’s what makes it fun right?

Right there in the gross alley?

That's hot.

But then when we came,

well it got like sort of crazy.

Isn’t it like the definition of coming.

No, no, we’re talking like bizarre, shroomy, crazy.

Like something cosmic was starting to take over our...

Okay, hey, hey. I’m gonna stop you right there.

You have the tendency to meet these guys...

No, it was... it wasn’t like that.

I’m just saying, don’t make too big a deal

out of everything too soon.

Don’t worry, I got it.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Because I-you know, I’m gonna hear about this job.

Maybe today or, or tomorrow.

Uh, it’s fine, I’m uh, I'm... I'm cash rich this week.

I’ve been gambling online for money.

I'm sorry, sorry what?

I can’t believe you read my script already.

I don’t fuck around.

In business or in life.

So I’m going to be brutally honest with you, Ford.

Alright.

I didn’t like it.

I loved it.

Wait what?

- I loved it. - Really?

I was just messing with you.

Look it’s sexy, it’s action-packed,

it has all the makings of a four quadrant hit.

Dude, do you really think so?

I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.

I told ya, I don’t fuck around.

Oh, my gosh.

I, I-don’t even, I don't even know what to say.

I hope you’re ready for it.

You have a very bright future ahead of you.

So Barnabas wants to produce it and everything.

- Produce what? - My script.

Meet Your Maker.

- Did you ever finish it? - Not yet.

I’ve been very busy and the format confuses me.

But that’s good news about Barnabas, right?

Are you kidding? It is totally like a dream come true.

Well then, let’s get together at my place later to celebrate.

That would be awesome.

But what time, cause Barnabas invited me

to the red carpet premiere of the new Chris Hemsworth movie

and it starts at 7:30.

I’m working tonight so later is better for me anyway.

- I’ll text you. - Sweet.

I cannot wait to see you.

Me as well, but I have to go into a meeting now.

Okay bye babe, I love you.

I have the most terrifying super lucid dreams too.

And I wake up feeling like the world is about to end

and it’s up to me to warn everyone.

Hello.

Yeah, yeah, this is Ulysses.

Push. Push.

I can see the head coming out.

Oh, my God.

I love you so much.

Thank you Kai and Magenta, that was absolutely beautiful.

Okay, that’s it for today.

Uh, scene for next week is on the table.

As usual memorize your lines and be off book by next week’s class

or face my wrath.

You know, you should maybe consider

masking your disdain for your classmates a little.

What?

I don’t think it would kill you

to fake a smile every once in a while.

It is an acting class.

Uh, I'm sorry I didn’t realize I was being so-obvious.

Well, to be fair, that birthing routine was excruciating.

Especially Kai.

The overall lack of ability in that room

can be mind-boggling.

Present company excluded, of course.

- Thanks. - I’m serious.

You have a natural, raw talent.

Well, thank you.

Uh, anyway, I should probably get going.

- See you around. - Bye.

This is so good.

I can’t believe it’s all free.

Well, enjoy.

Yeah thanks, I’m so hungry.

And thanks for the movie, too.

It was amazing.

I found it rather tired.

It was just so been there, done that.

And I’m sorry, but Jessica Chastain needs to fire her agent.

Huh, I guess.

Barnabas.

Otto.

- How are you? - Bored shitless.

Of course. Of course.

And who have we here?

Well, this is the exciting

and brilliant new writer, Ford Houston.

Ford, this is Otto West.

Whoa.

Otto...

West?

Mr. West, I am such a huge fan.

The Violin Player is in my top five best movies ever.

Only top five?

Well no, it’s number three.

I’m playing with you.

And please,

- call me Otto. - Okay.

I’m sorry, I do not mean to geek out on you,

but I cannot believe I’m actually shaking your hand.

Oh, the pleasure’s all mine.

You know, Ford has written the most incredible script.

Oh, I’d love to read it.

Holy shit.

Whoops.

Uh, uh, I gotta take this.

Sorry, uh...

My girlfriend just got home from work

and I gotta go meet up with her.

- Is that okay? - Of course.

Cool. Um, just so great to meet you Mr. West.

Ah, I mean Otto.

Same here.

Oh and um, don’t forget to send me your script.

Barnabas here has my contact info.

For sure. Thank you.

And thank you Barnabas for just ah, everything.

You are most welcome Ford.

- Go have some fun. - Okay.

See ya.

Call me paranoid but that Barnabas dude

seems ultra sketch.

And when it comes to these kinds of situations

Ford is basically a gullible baby.

Oh, it’s cute when you helicopter mom.

I didn’t know what to say to him.

Like I love Ford like a blow job on a Sunday afternoon,

but his script was terrible.

Is this the one that’s like a post apocalyptic Lethal Weapon?

With the cyborg vampires, yes.

I seriously don’t think I got through more than

- like two pages. - Yikes.

Sorry, but

the sight of you in a uniform is disturbing

yet strangely erotic at the same time.

Basically I just sit around here doing nothing.

It’s pretty much my ideal gig.

So what should I do about Gabriel?

There’s nothing to do.

- He’s ghosting you. - Don’t say that.

Well then let’s be optimistic.

Maybe he’s dead or in a coma.

Thank you for being so supportive.

No prob.

Hey um, I gotta go douche though.

Jethro’s coming by later for some more mediocre sex.

Fun.

As a stick in the eye.

It’s open.

Whoa.

You look like a sex robot.

I am a sex robot.

Do you think about fucking other women?

Uh...

No.

Why do you think about other guys?

Of course.

Everyone does. It’s perfectly normal and healthy.

I, I sometimes think about it.

But it’s not planned or anything.

It’s more like a surprise cameo.

I understand that lying has evolutionary value.

Studies indicate the larger the neocortex

of a species, meaning the more intelligent it is,

the more likely it is to be deceptive.

Uh-huh.

If we’re going to be together

I want you to know that you don’t need

to protect me from the truth.

Ditto.

I’ll put these in water.

You like that baby, yeah you like that.

Yeah, oh yeah.

Bro, are you looking at your phone?

- Nah, bro. - Bro, I saw you.

So-sorry, I just thought it might be my agent.

- Is it? - Nah, it’s my mum.

Oh, my God.

Ford, what are you doing?

I see you met Daphne.

Hey, sorry to freak you out.

I just came from an Antifa protest

and I didn’t have time to change.

Come Ford, sit.

So...

I invited Daphne over

because I wanted the two of you to meet.

How do you guys know each other?

We met about a year or so ago.

- At an orgy. - Daphne is polyamorous.

I have three boyfriends.

Wow.

That sounds...

time consuming.

My iCal is crazy right now.

Daphne why don’t you make yourself more comfortable.

Yeah, sorry I’m covered in bomb dust.

She’s beautiful, don’t you think?

Now what is it?

Well, I know you’re a feminist

or whatever, but I think it’s kinda weird

that you’re using a vibrator while we’re fucking.

Why are you afraid of robots taking your job?

No, I just really want to connect with you right now.

Your dick is inside of me.

I’m pretty sure we can’t get much more connected than that.

I’m not talking about genitalia.

I’m talking about spiritually.

Fine.

If this is such an affront to your male ego,

I won’t use it.

I need a new condom.

Are there no more in here?

Might be a box in the closet, check the top shelf.

Mother fu... what the fuck?

Oh shit.

My God, a dildo just hit me in the eye.

What if I get conjunctivitis

and I get called in for an audition.

What the fuck, dude?

What is all this shit?

Go on.

Touch her.

I want you to.

Okay.

Damn, you’re like the reason the female gaze was invented.

Tonight I just want to watch you.

Go ahead.

Use my body any way you want.

Who do you use this stuff with?

No one.

Sometimes, I like dressing up in dominatrix

type of stuff and pretending.

So you bought all this stuff

and you’ve never used it with anyone?

Yes.

It’s kinda like, remember during the Cold War

how the U.S. stockpiled like a bunch of nuclear weapons

just in case they might need them one day.

Okay just so I’m clear,

you’re saying that these ball gags

- are like your nukes? - Exactly.

Why didn’t you ever tell me about any of this before?

I don’t know, I just...

I was embarrassed, I guess.

I thought you’d get all judgy on me.

Plus,

I didn’t think you would be into it.

Being that you’re so a dominant alpha male and all.

That’s true.

I am very manly.

But look, if it means so much to you

I might be down to, you know, at least give it a try.

Wait, you...

want me to spank you?

Is that okay?

Yeah bro, I’m not a pussy.

You’ve been a bad boy.

Haven’t you Jethro?

Oh I don’t know, have I?

Hm-mm.

You’ve been a bad...

bad boy.

Oh, are you gonna punish me?

Oh.

You’ve been a bad, bad, boy, Jethro.

You never

look at your phone while you’re fucking me again.

- Okay, okay. - Did you hear me?

I said never,

ever again.

Say it, say "I will never look at my phone again."

Okay, okay.

Okay, I promise I will never look at my phone

while we’re fucking again.

Fuck.

I’m sorry, just uh, give me a second.

Relax, just think of Daphne as your sex toy.

Uh, this might sound kinda weird

but would you mind,

I promise I don’t mean it or anything.

Would you mind if I said I love you.

Of course, this is a safe space.

Okay.

Oh, I love you.

Oh, fuck I love you.

I’m sorry was that too much?

Are you okay?

Sorry.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

It's okay.

It’s okay baby, you can cry.

I love you.

Oh I love you.

Hello?

Somebody there?

Oh my God.

Okay, got to run.

I’m meeting up with my boyfriends

and we’re setting Bank of America on fire.

Good night Daphne.

I’ll see ya.

- Uh, thanks. - Uh huh, bye.

So you really liked that.

Watching me doing it with Daphne.

Yes, it turned me on...

seeing someone else enjoy your body.

I gotta say I felt weird at first,

but I kinda got into watching you watch me.

I loved seeing you come.

Really?

I feel like I must look so stupid.

No.

Some people possess structural beauty.

Some emotional beauty, but you have both.

Your face is like a masterfully crafted cello

playing an exquisite symphony.

Wow, Sev.

Your words are like poems.