Original subtitles

I dare say, some of you should spend less Tim on chess and reim

I don't get you, Wyatt.

Why do you want to be the leader of this Chess Club geek fest?

It doesn't exactly help our image as fun guys.

It's important to me, okay?

More important than meeting chicks?

I have a visn.

Taking the Chess Club into the next century.

You heard my platform, "Update, computerize."

Seriously, as a friend who cares deeply about you I hope you lose.

Thanks for your support.

Let that grade-a wanker Langtree win this thing.

He's a lost cause anyway.

Lots of luck, Brad.

Oh, hey, Wallace.

What are you doing here?

The tiddlywinks club meets two doors down.

- I hate this guy. - So do I.

I'd give anything to beat that jerk.

He'll ruin the club if he wins.

If winning this thing is that important to you I give you my blessing.

Kick his butt.

Gary Wallace?

I don't recall seeing your name on the club roster.

That is correct, sir.

I'm only here as an observer.

That... and...

to cheer Wyatt on to a landslide victory.

Well... good for you.

The wier is Brad Langtree.

( Cheering )

Hey-hey-hey... looks like the people have spoken, huh?

Mr. Computerize.

This bites!

Four grueling days on the campaign trail and for what?

Your shoe's untied, Wy.

Things can't get any worse.

Your move... your move...

Time has run out.

You lose. Play again?

Man, you can't let this chess club thing get you down.

I'm not. It's just...

- I hate my life. - Relax, Wyatt.

I think you have a perfectly wonderful life.

It's Brad Langtree. I mean, no one likes him.

He's got a major attitude. Oh, I hate that guy.

Oh, you'd make a much better president than that jerk.

Is that true, Wyatt?

Well, not to sound conceited... but... but yeah!

I should be President. I'd make a great President.

All right then.

You're President.

Geez, all that just to make me President of the Chess Club.

- Chess Club? - Yeah.

- What did you think I meant? - I thought you meant what you said.

What did I say?

( Helicopter Approaching )

( "Hail to the Chief" Playing )

Uh, you su guys got the right house?

Ladies and gentlemen the President of the United States.

- Mr. President! - Just one more question?

( Reporters Shouting Questions )

Mr. President, should the rise in unemployment

be taken as a precursor to future economic instability?

Uh...

Will you be playing sax on Arsenio's anniversary special?

Uh... as Chess Club President, my motto is, "Update... computerize..."

I'm sorry, but the President will be answering questions

at a later date.

This is strictly a photo opportunity.

Is it true the President is using a non-F.D.A. approved

pimple medication?

- Mom! - I'm very upset.

I know you are. You have every right to be.

I've told the press not to trample my rose bushes.

Talk to them.

They might listen to you.

You're the President.

This has got to be a dream.

No dream. You are the President.

This is excellent.

Check it out.

What?

No, I don't think so.

Hold on.

Let me check. You don't want to schedule

- any missile strikes, do you? - What are you doing?

No!

I can't be President. I'm not even old enough to drive!

The constitution, article II, section 1...

"...neither shall any person be eligible to that coffee

who shall not have attained to the age of 35 ...dog years."

What? Let me see that!

This is great! With you as President and me as V.P.

running the country will be a blast.

I just wanted to be President of the Chess Club--

Not the whole country.

- But think of it, oh freaked one. - You can do anything.

Absolutely anything.

You can restructure the military.

You can order pizza any time you want.

You can promote peace throughout the world.

You can get babes like that...

Man, I wish I were you.

I can have Brad Langtree booted out of Chess Club!

The world trade tower situation was a wake-up call to all at the bureau.

I've been tracking a number of fringe groups and in fact

we had planted an agent at the hertz rent-a-car counter

who, if he had not been on a coffee break...

So, are we going to be able to take care of Brad?

- See that guy? - Director of the F.B.I.

he's got his top dogs hangling it.

Very discreet.

F.B.I.... great.

And who are all these other guys?

Clockwise, your secretaries of labor

commerce, treasury, the attorney general...

- ( Vacuum Starts ) - The important thing is

that we not be caught unawares again...

Mom! Do you mind?

We're trying to run the country here.

I'll be done in a jiffy.

Oh, and tell your friends that there are

oatmeal scotchies and vodka tonics in the kitchen.

As I was saying, the threat of terrorist attacks within

the country heretofore have been seemingly non-existent...

Uh, sorry. Excuse me one sec?

I was talking to Gary here about, you know, Brad Langtree...

That matter has been taken care of, Mr. President.

Oh, good.

Great.

Thanks.

Findings in South America indicate...

'Cause isn't think I'm being out of line here.

I'm a better chess player and he's strutting around

like Mr. Cool Man Joe...

Begging your pardon but the matter has been addressed.

Watch the 'tude.

This is the President you're speaking to.

The P-man.

The guy who signs your paycheck.

Well, actually that would be the secretary of the treasury.

Oh.

You get the picture.

Let me assure you, Mr. President

that my best men are on the job even as we speak.

Go, go, go, go

Fire one.

Fire two.

Fire three.

Fire one.

Fire two.

Three.

The Charmin's been squeezed.

I repeat-- the Charmin's been squeezed.

Let's roll.

Bradley Langtree?

Thanks for your support.

Good to see you.

God bless america.

I'm telling you, Wy, those cabinet geezers have got to go.

Yeah, they are a little on the stiff side.

Stiff? They're zombies!

We can't let the President get the heebies, can we?

I'll look into replacements, pronto.

I've been framed!

You'll not get away with this, you lying, cheating executive weenie.

Hey, hey, hey!

I will not be silenced!

I will not be... Hey!

It's good to be the king.

Wyatt, we have a busy schedule.

The nato ministers will meet you during study hall.

- There's no talking in study hall. - They'll pass notes.

I don't like this responsibility.

You're not getting this are you? You're the President.

Want a three-day school week? You got it!

You want to pull the fire alarm? Do it!

Man, I wish I were you.

I just wanted to run the Chess Club, you know?

Wyatt, let me make this easy for you.

I'll take care of domestic and global concerns.

You just enjoy the power of your sition.

Throw out the first pitch. Take jogs with the press.

Invite Sharon Stone to tour the lincoln bedroom.

You know, Wy, Sharon Stone's not a bad idea.

- Oh, she's cute. - Basic Instinct?

Was she the one with the thing?

The dress...?

I failed quayle in '88.

That's not gonna happen again.

Wy, you okay?

I know we talked about re-staffing the cabinet but why these guys?

- I mean, besides the obvious why. - Are you kidding?

They're visionaries. They think on a global scale.

Welcome, ladies.

This is President Wyatt and I'm V.P. Gary.

Any questions, suggestions or back-rub requests refer to moi.

I suppose we better get down to business.

It's a job after all, right?

So, first up, does the secretary of state--

Miss Delaware-- have a platform on the situation in Bosnia?

Thank you.

I feel that it's vital for everyone everywhere

to strive to live in peace and harmony.

We are, after all, the world, right?

Do you think that was too, you know, drastic?

Drastic? These gals aren't afraid to tackle issues.

That's what got them where they are.

No! I mean putting Brad Langtree in permanent detention.

Are you kidding? That guy's a major dweeb.

Let's hear from our secretary of griculture, Miss Minnesota.

Mr. President? Mr. Vice President?

We have a situation.

Excuse us.

What is it this time?

It seems the President's brother was making a scene on live TV.

He tried to give Larry King a dutch rib.

Ouch!

From now on, I suggest round-the-clock damage control.

I'm the President brother!

I deserve some first family yardage!

OK, what will it take to shut you up?

A limo.

A bulletproof limo with a turbocharged V-8.

- Can we do that? - We can do that.

It's yours.

So, can I get back to the country already?

Hot chow!

I got my own bulletproof limo!

One click, jeeves.

Sire, slam a door before I sign off on this baby.

Sir.

( Whistling )

Personally, I feel big stick diplomacy is a relic of the past.

As F.B.I. driector I can't ignore past success under that policy.

I have to disagree with you and your earring clash.

Well, at least I didn't drop my baton.

Hey, can we all just get along?

Look... we brought you gifts.

Diamond broach thingies.

My buddolas in opec assured me they're worth a bundle,

and I have one for each and every one of you.

Opec? Gary, you can't keep cashing in favors.

These diamonds? A maserati?

You're not even old enough to drive.

If congress likes the rolexes I will be soon.

Wyatt? Gary? We have a problem.

True, I was upset at being replaced by Miss Puertoic

but that in no way influenced my decision to come forward.

For the record the F.B.I. framed Farber High freshman

Brad Langtree and the man who issued that

illegal directive is President Wyatt Donnelly.

( Reporters Asking Questions )

Glad I'm not you.

Dubbed "Wyattgate," this T.P. incident threatens to bring

the Donnelly Administration to its knees.

Enromentalists over the flagrant waste of paper products

estimated at over 40 rolls of double-ply.

Waiting in the wings--

Vice President Gary Wallace. Can America survive?

Whoa! Hey! Cheap shot.

I can't believe the press.

They're like a pack of hungry dogs.

Look at this: "President caught inlove nest with 15-year old.

- She's two months older than me! - Easy, Wy, easy.

All I wanted was to be President of the Chess Club.

Now the american public hates my guts.

And Mom will kill me when she sees how

the tobacco lobbyists trashed the rec room.

This isn't about defeat. It's about damage control.

All we have to do is pull you out of this popularity pit and we'll be fine.

I know! Wyatt can initiate and across-the-broad tax cut.

Or judge a dog show! People love people who love animals.

No. We'll launch a winnable war.

Kick a little international butt and your popularity's history.

A winnable way? On who?

- How about Puerto Rico? - Bitch.

This isn't the way out, Gary. The TV reports were all true.

- I'm guilty. - This is politics, remember?

Cabinet members Gary-- This meeting is adjourned.

The President will be late for american history.

Forget history! We have a situation here.

So the President will be late for class.

What are they going to do to the President?

Normally, being late for class means mandatory detention.

But seeing as you are commander in chief I'm willing to let things slide.

No. I don't want any special treatment.

I'm just a citizen.

God bless america.

That's why that man is President.

Welcome to Compu-Chess. Shall we play.

And you thought you could run the Chess Club?

You can't even run the United States.

Yeah? But I'm still a better chess player than you'll ever be.

- Prove it. - You're on.

CHETT: Indestructible.

We'll see if you're indestructible.

Check and mate, Donnelly.

Wow. You really are a better chess player than me.

No duh.

But you're still a wanker.

And Chess Club President.

Still... you may have something with this computer idea.

It's true. I had Brad Langtree framed.

And for no better reason that I was, you know jealous, I guess.

So what I'm trying to say is I'm guilty wa charged

and I'm really sorry. So I'm resigning as your President.

My last act is to pardon Chess Club President, Brad Langtree.

Thank you. God bless america.

Cut it.

GARY: No! It isn't over. I'm telling you--

A midnight strike on Canada and this is yesterday's news.

That was really nice, very presidential.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks.

But all I wanted was to be President of the Chess Club.

Wyatt, life is short. Get over it.

Hey, if Wyatt's out of the picture that makes me President!

President Gary here.

Prepare the presidential yacht.

And tell Miss Hawaii to bring my cocoa butter.

Hurry!

Aw, man.

What a rip.

Yesterday, we were the most powerful men in the country.

Today, we can't even buy beer.

So much for Wyatt Donnelly 43rd President of the United States.

It would have been kind of cool to read

about myself someday in history class.

Well, there are other ways to be remembered.

Captioned by Grantman Brown