Original subtitles

But you promised to teach me how to drive this weekend.

Son, it's the company. I don't know if I own it or it owns me.

I feel like I work seven days a week. Talk to your brother.

- He'll glad to show you the ropes. - Get of the way, stump lick.

Bye, honey.

We'll be back for dinner on sunday.

Look after your little brother.

You have nothing to worry about. The perimeter is secure.

I'm responsible. I'm in control.

Bye.

( Horn Honking )

I'm out of here.

- Where you going? - Paint ball regionals, headcheese.

- You're leaving me alone? - Yes, I am.

Look... I know this is a big step--

home alone, unsupervised Dad's liquor cabinet calling out your name--

"Wyatt, Wyatt." Just remember what the wise man once said:

"Don't choke on your own vomit." ( Laughing )

Later, sis.

Cool.

WYATT: No parents, no Chett... an entire hassle-free weekend.

This is a rare opportunity. We can do whatever we want.

We can stay up all night, order in take-out play poker for M&Ms.

What are you, seven? Wyatt, you have an empty house

and we are hot, red-blooded, all-american dudes.

We must suckle from the bosom of good times.

- We must party. - No party.

Yes party.

Party at Wyatt's house. Spread the word.

We can't have party. My folks will kill me.

Party at Wyatt's house. Your parents won't find out.

- We've got Lisa. - No one will come.

- Lisa. - Things will get broken.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. I promise, the second it's over

we'll morph Lisa into a wet-vac and make the place sparkle.

All right, but just our friends. Nothing huge.

Some geeks sophomore's parents and going out of town

and he's having a party at his house tonight.

There are going to be hookers.

Yeah.

Somebody's looks very handsome.

Plans tonight, Gary?

Uh... nah. Nothing special.

Just going over to Wyatt's house-- maybe hang.

You always put on my cologne to hang?

- Oops. - You're going to a party, aren't you?

Uh... okay. Yes. Yes, I am.

Well, you know the rules. You want to go out,

- you ask permission. - But it's saturday night.

This isn't a permission night, right?

Dad... may I please go out tonight?

- Nope. - Why?

- Every night's a permission night. - It's a major party

- and I'm one of the hosts. - Oh, it's a major party.

You'll read about it in the paper tomorrow.

- Mom... - I'm sorry, hon.

You heard your father. If you like, you can join us for cribbage.

We're playing for M&Ms.

Did you see it?

My parents were born old they were never my age.

- And I'll take care of them. - Really? All right.

Thanks, Lis. You're the best.

- You won't hurl them into the sun? - Give me some credit.

You haven't answered my question.

( Music Playing )

GIRL: Great party! Yeah! Yes, this party rocks!

It's a killer!

- Where I might find a party? - I think this is your lucky night.

Thanks for dealing with my parents.

- What did you do with them anyway? - I brought them.

You're in big trouble, mister.

- It's crank! - Somebody beer me!

You wondered if your parents were ever your age.

Well, now they are.

( Groaning )

- My parents are teenagers? - 15 years old, to be exact.

Shotgun!

Wow!

You turned my parents into teenage party animals?

Yep. Emotionally, mentally, sexually

your parents are now 15 years old.

Hey, look, I'm a guppy.

This is embarrassing.

You should have just hurled them into the sun.

- Is that your dad? - Maybe.

He is so cool. I wish my dad could quote aerosmith.

LISA: Nothing to be embarrassed about.

Your dad's the hit of the party.

- Check him out. - Feed me, somebody or I'll puke.

Al, come on, be cool. cover up.

- It isn't that kind of party. - Wrong.

We have a responsibility to make every party that kind of party.

I'm hungry!

- Hi. Are you Wyatt? - Uh, yeah.

This is your party, right?

Yes. Yes, it is. It is my party... all mine.

I am your host and you are my very special guest.

- What's your name? - Caitlin.

- Caitlin, what can I do for you? - Nothing.

Just your parents are looking for you.

Mom... Dad...

you're, uh... you're supposed to be... really far away.

I want everybody out of here now and then we're going to have to talk.

Wayne, Marcia... so glad you could make it.

- Oh, no. - I love the butthole surfers.

- Anybody got a smoke? - You don't smoke.

It makes me look older.

All right!

- GARY: Are they...? - Yep. 15 years old.

- Wayne, come dance with me. - This music is so Kenny G.

Oh, I think it's kind of fun.

Yeah, you would.

Uh, I'm going to bum a cig.

Like I said, my personal philosophy-- party big, party often.

I've always felt that way too.

- Seven? - Six.

What good is life if you can't have an occasional

blow-out to break the high school grind?

Nothing. Boring.

- Eight? - Seven.

And when you see a chance to party you got to go for it.

- Live life on the edge. - All right!

Hi, boys. Having fun?

BOTH: 11!

I want to take a time-out. You want to take a time-out?

Sure. I'll take a time-out...

When I'm dead.

They say we can choose our classes

but then they decide what classes we choose from.

It's not freedom, man, it's fascism.

maybe you could transfer out of gym.

You're not listening, man!

Smoke?

What are you doing?

You can't smoke in here.

Hey, take it easy. This is a party.

Check the 'tude at the door.

Uh... Listen, Wayne.

Why don't you pay a little attention to Marcia?

I think she wants to dance.

Oh, Marcia. Of course she wants to dance.

That's how she'd solve the world's problems.

Everybody dance.

Oh. Hi. Enjoying the party?

- It's sucks. - Ah, come on, it's awesome.

( Sniffing ) Do I reek?

Or is that the quiche?

Um, it's you.

You worked up really kind of a big sweat there.

- Oh, can I? May I? - Marcia, are you scamming on me?

Um... maybe.

- Would you like to dance? - That's not a very good idea.

- Why not? - Lots of reason-- It's late,

I'm not a good dancer you're Wyatt's mom.

I want to see you shake your tight little butt.

Oh, Wayne, is that you? I was having so much fun

- I forgot you were here. - Hey, Wayne.

How's it go...?

I see through your stupid little trick, Marica--

- your stupid little games. - This isn't a game.

And if you can't pay attention to me I'll just find some other guy who can.

Go on. I'm not stopping you.

Please... stop her.

Man was never meant to be monogamous anyhow.

What's going on?

- Wayne and I are breaking up. - Breaking up?

Yeah. We're dust. We're history--

- A footnote in... - Oh, shut up.

All you ever do is talk. I need someone

who knows how to party-- someone like... Gary.

- I can explain. - Hey, hey.

Looks like you're going to get some tonight.

Wa! Wa! Wa!

Help me with this. Did my parents'

26-years marriage just dissolve because of your tight butt?

Don't underestimate the power of this butt.

When it speaks, chicks listen.

Like I said, there's something I wanted to ask you

and I've thought a bunch about it and, well...

- These words don't come easy. - Yes, Al?

Will you have sex with me?

Al, how many times do I have to tell you that I'm not ready for sex?

Well, it's okay. I'm ready enough for both of us.

You're such an idiot. ( Sobbing )

So, what's your answer?

( Knock at Door )

Emily, may I come in?

- He's a pig. - He's a guy.

What am I supposed to do?

Al just wants to have sex, but I'm not ready to

and I don't want to lose him to some slutty senior.

Trust me. I don't think you're going to lose him.

- He's such a tasty stud. - Emily, the two of you have a very

special chemistry that no one else would ever want a part of.

- You really think so? - I know so.

No one wants to take Al away. Trust me.

( Making Raspberry Noises )

Hey. Playing hendrix?

- No, just arm fartin' the blues. - You are one talented man, Al.

- So-- - Where's Emily?

Ah, she blew me off.

- What happened? - I don't know what her deal is.

All night long, this chick's coming on to me big time making moves.

I ask her to have sex, and she freaks.

- She bailed on you? - Yeah.

Looks like I'm back on the market again, huh?

Hey, know any slutty seniors you can set me up with?

What are you, nuts? You can't break up with Emily.

She is grade "A" babe-age. She's crazy about you

and you're not exactly swimming in chicks.

Yeah, she is a babe.

Al, she's over there.

- Oh. She's a babe too. - Go talk to her.

Patch things up. If not for you then do it for me.

- I sort of have a stake in this. - Okay, but you owe me one.

BOTH: Whoo... Doggie!

There you are.

Give me a slice of that beefcake you lanky love bucket.

Whoa!

- Wyatt, hey, it's a pizza guy. - You're just in time, man.

We pretty much cleaned out this hole?

Oh, really? Well, I think I have something here that you can snack on.

- The pizza guy's insane! - Suck paint, you maggot

- Chett? - First one who moves eats dutch boy.

Party's over, skankwad.

Let's tour your room so I can choose the things

you're going to give me for not narking to Dad.

I don't think Dad really cares.

Dad, you're home.

I swear I just stepped out for two minutes.

I had nothing to do with this.

WAYNE: Too bad, man. You missed a killer party. Later.

- Where you going? - I don't know.

Thought I'd Hitchhike to Cabo and then after that,

down to South America and then after that... who knows?

Whoa, wait a minute. I... you're leaving?

You can't leave.

Who's going to buy the food and pay for my car insurance?

WYATT: You don't know what you're doing.

You're not thinking straight. He's leaving.

- You got to stop him. - What for? It's over between us.

- Huh? - Besides, I've got

all the man I want right here.

GARY: What can I say? She digs me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You are not Hitchhiking anywhere.

You're going to end up face down somewhere in a ditch.

- I... I forbid it. - Yeah. Right.

Who need you, Wayne? I'm going after him.

You touch my mom and you're dead.

Come on, let's find an empty room.

Whoa! Hold on.

Dad's... Hitchhiking to Cabo... and you're dating Gary.

What kind of psycho nerve gas have you been sucking back?

Oh. I got it. This is one of those screwy,

mid-life, hormone... chick things, isn't it?

No. It's a butt thing.

( Stifled Whimper )

What the hell is happening here?

My family is falling apart in front of my face.

I'm so confused.

The pizza guy's confused. Get his gun!

RADIO D.J.: It's 6:15! What a morning!

Whoo! Yes! Faster, man, faster.

Have you ever thought about what you're doing to do in Mexico?

Get off my back. You sound just like my dad.

Okay, fine. You want to go to Mexico?

Go ahead. Walk.

Cool.

That would have worked on me.

You can't go to Mexico. You have too many responsibilities.

Who are you talking to? We're fifteen.

We don't have responsibilities. Tag along with me, man.

It will be awesome. You got the convertible.

Hey, we can be sipping margaritas by sunset.

Hey, he who hesitates is lunch, man.

What the hell? Let's go!

( Laughing )

( Engine Starting )

This is cool. Damn straight.

Cigarette?

- Yeah. - Light?

No, thanks.

Got to release the emergency brake, man.

Oh, right!

Whoo! Yes!

- ( Laughing ) - This is awesome.

I'm really psyched we're taking this trip together you know,

getting to know each other better... Wayne.

Man, you're going to be so sick of me

by the time we get to the Border.

Arriba!

Arriba!

- Whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo! - ( Yelling )

( Both Yelling )

What the hell are you doing? Stop the car.

- What do you mean? - Stop the car!

Stop... the... car.

What is going on here? Where am I?

Dad?

Have you been smoking in my car?

Uh, I had a couple of friends over and I really haven't

- gotten around to cleaning up. - Bo monsieur Donnelly.

House, she is all clean. Au revoir.

We don't have a maid.

WYATT: Maybe Mom hired a maid.

Lord knows she's got her hands full.

Hey, Mr. Donnelly. Nice to you get that in Mexico?

( Gasping )

( Screaming )

Captioned by Grantman Brown