Original subtitles

Talk about a Death Wish..

You got to be nuts to do that.

Need pads.

No wrist guards--

Nothing.

You are one serious weenie.

- I am not. - They're having fun.

They're risking their lives. Let's get out of here.

Anyone for a little fun in the sun?

I was think Mexico.

I can't.

Killer bees in Mexico.

All right, no Mexico.

- How about Jamaica? - Poisonous jellyfish.

Wussie. Wussie. Wussie.

Gary, talk him into it.

Only if you guarantee a jamaican beach bunny will have sex with me.

My powers aren't inifinite, Gary.

What's eating you, anyway?

Edwin Mueller got some.

Edwin? The kid who smells beef jerky?

That's what that smell is.

GARY: Sitting with that stupid grin just 'cause he did

the horizontal frog dance.

No way.

He sunk the cue ball.

He downloaded his hard drive.

Edwin Mueller beat us to the chewy center?

- Yup. - How humiliating.

It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.

I'm 15 and I still haven't done it.

It's not so bad. The average age for a

male's first sexual encounter is 19 and a alf.

I looked it up. I was curious.

I don't want to be average. I want to excel.

I want sex, and I want it now.

Aw, what's the use?

The way things are going now

I'm never going to bury the bone.

What a couple of lumps.

We could party, but no.

You never want to do anything fun.

You're worried it will kill you and you're too worried

about your virginity to do anything fun.

You know, you could solve my problem.

Hold out your hands.

BOTH: Ow!

I keep forgetting they come out hot.

- What do we need watches for? - They're not just watches--

They're magic. Wyatt, yours shows you how long you have to live.

- What does it say? - 90 years.

So next time I suggest something fun--

like going to Mexico-- chill out about the killer bees.

What does this one do?

It tells when you'll lose your virginity.

- What does it say? - Three days.

Three days! Three days?

See? You've been worrying for nothing.

Three days. Did you hear that?

I'm finally going to Free Willy!

Air conditioner gust.

Alter trajectory.

Eight degrees.

Insufficient spittle on suction cup.

Proceeding to lick.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Oliver North Civic Arena

for the 14th Annual Monster Truck Turbo Slaughter Jam--

featuring over 60 bone-crushing tons of

super-charged monster four-by-fours

and 20,000 gallons of mud, mud, mud...

HOTCHA: Tonight, Bob Rolsky's ultra eliminator squares off

against Lenny Lamonte's mud-sucking raptor tractor

armed with 3,000 fire-breathing pounds

of nitrous methane plowing power.

Nitrous... methane.

Come on, baby.

The Gary love shuttle leaves in "T" minus 48 hours and counting.

Heavens awaits, my sex goddess.

Just show me your pretty face and we can rocket to Nastyville.

Hi. I'm Gary. What do you think?

( Laughing )

Her loss.

- Hey, Wy. - Hey.

- Why are you so bummed? - Thanks to this watch

I now know down to the second when I'll croak.

When you're wearing the Grim Reaper on your wrist.

Nice band, though.

Oh, miss, a word please?

- Get lost. - No problem.

I know my lady love is out there somewhere.

I know what you're thinking--

"I'd sure like to have sex with him within 42 hours."

So where the hell is she?

I've asked out every girl in the school.

WYATT: Maybe lady love transferred.

47 "No's." 16 of them laughed at me.

- Four of them spit in my face. - Whatever happened to manners?

Laugh, laugh.

Spit, laugh. Spit, spit.

Slap. That's everyone.

What about the lunch ladies?

Came up dry.

And this one, Gary.

- That's a girl? - Yeah.

- "Louise Willet." - You know, sex is a big step.

Maybe I'm not ready.

Yeah. I better wait. Here. You can have your watch back.

Mine too. I don't mean to hurt your feelings or anything

but wearing a constant reminder of the day you die

just isn't a whole lot of fun.

Wyatt, you just don't get it, do you?

- Get what? - I'll show you.

( Groaning )

( Screaming )

( Whimpering )

What are you doing? Get me down!

- Look at your watch. - Okay, okay.

I love the watch. I'm sorry I said to take it back.

Beam me out of here!

You're not looking.

Uh...

90 years. Terrific.

I'm going to live forever.

Exactly. The watch says you won't die today.

You have 90 more years.

So get up and walk to me 'cause that's the only way

you're getting off that plank.

Come on, you can do it. Life's no fun if you don't take risks.

Come on. Come on.

- Yes. Yes! - I did it! I did it!

I've got nothing to worry about. I'm going to live for 90 years!

Yes.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

Whoo! Ha-ha!

I am invincible! I'm a risk-taker!

Oh, what a lucky guy I am.

Gary, hi.

- You know me? - Yeah.

I sit right behind you in homeroom but

we've never actually talked...

- Right. - Listen...

Uh... Lousie.

Lousie.

Lousie!

I have to ask you a question.

Do you have any plans tomorrow night around...

5:00?

Oh, darn it.

I have to go to New Mexico for a funeral.

- My grandmother died. - Yes!

I mean... I'm so sorry for you.

But you'll love New Mexico and so will your grandmother.

I'll be back on tuesday.

CHETT: # I don't know but I've been told #

# This loaf of bread seems mighty old

# Baloney, mustard, slice of cheese #

# A Chett-wich always aims to please... #

- ( Phone Ringing ) - ( Whistling )

- ( Humming ) - ( Phone Ringing )

Listen. I need to get my mitts on 25-gallon tank

of pressurized nitrous methane.

What's that?

Licensed demolitions contractor?

County-approved to handle flammable materials?

Yes! Yes, I am.

My... license number?

1120900220.

220.

That's right.

I'll be there in the morning to pick it up.

Thank you.

( Chuckling ) Suckers.

Lisa, that was amazing! I want to go hang gliding.

No! I want to go speedboat racing.

Right now. Whoa. Slow down, tiger.

GARY: Wyatt!

- I am so happy! - Why are you so happy?

I'm not afraid! Did you have sex with Louise?

No. She's going away but I finally know who it will be.

- Who? - Melissa Sinclair.

- Melissa Sinclair? - She missed the yearbook photo session.

- She missed it? - She missed the photo session!

( Both Howling )

I'm so excited!

I told you the watches were a good idea.

They're a great idea. I am so pumped.

- I got to do something crazy. - Good luck.

No luck required.

( Bell Ringing )

Melissa Sinclair?

- Yeah. - Gary... Gary Wallace.

Remember it, 'cause tomorrow afternoon you'll be

screaming it repeatedly in the throes of passion.

- Oh, really? - Guaranteed. You a virgin?

- What? - It's okay if you are.

- I am. - I really don't need to know this.

I'm not a virgin by choice.

It's just that every girl I've met thought I was a freaky dweeb.

So let's knock it out at my place.

Don't wear anything too complicated.

And the body oil's on me.

Get it?

( Groans )

It's settled then. No oils.

Damn.

WYATT: Whoo whoo-hoo!

- Yeah, Wyatt! - Whoo-hoo!

Did you see that, Lisa? I didn't hurl!

That's my Wyatt. How about a little alligator wrestling?

Whoo-hoo!

Hey.

What are you doing here? It's almost 5:00.

Shouldn't you be having sex now?

- I wish. - What about the sure thing?

Let's just say it didn't work out.

Huh? You're destined to be with somebody else.

There is nobody else. I cruised the malls all morning.

- Nothing. - But the watch...

Screw the watch. It says I got ten minutes.

And my best hope is in New Mexico burying her grandmother.

It must be broken.

Whoops.

I almost put on your watch.

No way. I'm wearing mine.

No. I got yours right here, see? Lisa inscribed it.

"To Gary, with love, Lisa."

"To Wyatt, with love, Lisa." How did you get my watch.

- Uh-oh. - What?

You must have accidentally put on each other's watches.

So I won't have sex in ten minutes?

- Uh-oh. - "Uh-oh"?

What does that mean, "Uh-oh"?

I'm going to be a virgin for 90 years?

Then if this is my watch does that mean...

Say something!

You're going to be dead in ten minutes.

( Screeching ): Uh-oh.

90 years... I'm not going to get any for 90 long years.

Why me, God? Why me?

Do you mind? I'm the one dying here.

At least you don't have to wait until 105 to do the deed.

I'll never do the deed. According to my watch,

I'll be dead in... seven minutes!

- I got to stop this watch! - Wyatt, that was a gift.

Besides, breaking the watch won't help.

I don't mean to complain but I'm six minutes from dying,

- and you haven't done Jack! - I think I've figured a way out.

- Come on. What is it? - You're not powerless.

You still control your own destiny.

The way I see it, all you'd have to do is...

( Static Sound )

- What? Do what? - Lisa!

GARY: What happended to the lights?

Oh, no! The computer!

It crashed!

- There's no power! - What about batteries?

- I don't have any. - Go to manuel override.

It's a computer, not a submarine!

Four minutes.

Follow me.

Gary, why are we hiding in the shower?

It's the safest place in the house.

Who ever got killed in the shower?

I'm scared.

Think happy thoughts or something.

Happy thoughts?

Yeah. Like the first time we met.

- Remember? - No.

Your eighth birthday party. Your mom set up the slip-n-slide.

We had ice cream cake then camped outside

and played flashlight tag.

Gary, we didn't meet till I was ten.

Oh. You missed a great party.

I wonder who that guy was.

- You don't have to stay, Gary. - No. I want to.

- You've been a good friend. - Shut up.

You're not going anywhere.

Maybe Lisa couldn't help you but I can.

Yeah? You think so?

( Cat Shrieking )

Who am I kidding? You're a dead man.

It's not supposed to happen for another.

- Three minutes. - It's going to take

three wholes minutes for you to die?

( Footsteps )

Well, now... rub-a-dub-dub.

Here's a picture guaranteed to make Dad glow with pride.

Say adios to your shower buddy.

I blew the fure box juicing up my diehard.

I'm going to need help getting my jeep running before dinner.

I'm rigging this baby with nitro.

Zero to 60 in three seconds.

Two minutes...

Just keep your brain planted in that seat.

Turn the ignition when I tell you.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

Damn. Push in the cigarette lighter

and don't get your greasy fingers on the dash.

Oh, my God. This how it happens.

I'm going to blow up!

Hey! Where do you think you're going?

- Chett, I'm about to die. - That's right, cudboy.

- Get in that jeep, or I'll kill you. - It's the jeep! It's going to blow!

That jeep's not going anywhere and neither are you.

You don't understand. Okay, look.

I'll level with you. I've got this watch--

This magic watch-- that tells me when I'm going to die.

It says I only have one minute to live.

How stupid do I look to you?

Don't answer that, Wallace.

He's telling the truth. I got a magic watch too.

Only mine says I won't get sex for 90 years.

Now that I believe. Get back in the jeep, now.

- You're running out of time. - ( Hissing )

All right, Chett. Let's go. You and me, over there.

- Why there? - Because the ground's a lot harder

there and it will hurt more when I knock you

- on your big, ugly butt. - Oh, the schoolgirl roars.

Come on. Let's get this over with.

Kick your butt here, kick your butt there.

Either way, it's a boot-butt banquet.

Say good-bye to daylight.

My jeep.

My beautiful jeep.

Wyatt-- you're still alive.

- What does the watch say? - It's changed.

It says 86 years. I'm going to live!

- You're going to live! - I'm going to live!

- You're going to live! - I'm going to live!

Okay, we have power.

She'll be back on-line in J.

( Whimpering )

Now, that is a man in pain.

Here she comes.

What happened? Wyatt, how much time do you have left?

It's okay, Lisa. My check-out time came and went.

- I made it. - How?

I stood up to Chett, and I saved my own life.

Oh, I'm so glad you're still alive.

What about me? I'm still a virgin.

Take a cue from Wyatt. The watch showed him

his fate and he refused to accept it.

He took action and changed his destiny.

- That's all you have to do. - Really?

Well, that and... don't miss this flight to New Mexico.

Weasy... Weasy... Weasy.

Captioned by Grantman Brown