All language subtitles for How I Met Your Mother (2005) - S07E22 - Good Crazy (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 Silence)-eng

[ Ted Narrating ]
In May of 2012,

Marshall and Lily
hosted a baby shower
in the apartment.

All their friends were there.

So, of course, I made sure
to show up exactly--

[ Knocking ]
three hours late.

Oh, no.

Am I late?
Little bit.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I would have gotten here
earlier. It's just, um--

- You didn't want to see Robin.
- I didn't want to see Robin.

I know, it's childish.
She's not here, is she?

Actually--

Oh, no.
Am I early?

Little bit.

Whoa. She got you
the red stroller?

Looks like I just blew
her out of the water.

Anyway, she left
before the party started.

Ah.

I'm really sorry.

I just think it's best
if Robin and I don't see
each other for a while.

Ted, it's fine.
I'm a child of divorce.

You guys keep fighting
all you want, as long as
the expensive gifts keep coming.

Uh, so how was the shower?

It was good.

Although there was one
weird moment with Barney's
new stripper girlfriend.

Fifty laps a day?

Oh, my goodness, young lady,
that is a lot.

Oh, is it?

Is it a lot,
Grandma Lois?

Yes, my girlfriend gets naked...
** [ "Battle Hymn
of the Republic" ]

and sits on guys' laps
for money.

And, yes,
sometimes it's as many
as 50 laps in one day.

And maybe society
considers what she does
to be "disgusting."

Or "slutty."

Or verging on
"prostitution."

Or "actual prostitution."

But you know what?
I accept her.

And if you
can't do the same,

well, then shame on you.

Shame... on... you.

** [ Ends ]
We were, um,
talking about swimming--

how I sometimes swim
50 laps a day.

Well, it's great cardio.
Lois, can I top off
your champagne?

** [ Upbeat Pop ]

** [ Man Vocalizing ]

** [ Ends ]

You know, it's funny.

You tell the average guy
you're dating a stripper,

he thinks it's awesome.

Heck, you tell your mom,
she high-fives you so fast...

she doesn't even
take off her oven mitts.

But if they had any idea
how difficult it is--

the jealousy, the insecurity--

those high fives would be
high fives of condolence.

Barney, condolence high fives
are not a thing.

They're a thing.

I'm afraid
we're gonna have
to let you go.

Up top.

Ah, listen to me
and my boring couples' problems.

How are you?

- How's the single life?
- I wouldn't know.

After this whole Robin thing,
for the time being,
I'm layin' low.

Laying low, as in sleeping
with a really short chick?

- Hmm.
- You guys doin' 39?

I mean
I'm not seeing anyone.

I'm just trying to get
Robin out of my head.

You need a palate cleanser.

Barney, please,

don't try to set me up with
Quinn's stripper friends.

- I wouldn't dream of it.
- Why not?

How many hints
do I have to drop?

No, I'm thinking of something
much more traditional--

- online dating.
- Yeah. No, thanks.

Come on, Ted, it's 2012.

What do you expect-- to meet
some cute travel agent...

when you're readin'
a newspaper at a bookstore?

None of those things
exist anymore.

Barney, I will never, ever,
ever try online dating.

[ Ted Narrating ]
That night,
I tried online dating.

And, kids, the first girl
I found was amazing--

beautiful, smart, funny,

huge fan
of pre-war architecture.

Favorite poet-- Neruda.
Favorite movie-- Ghostbusters.

And she didn't hate Cleveland.

She's perfect.

So I sent her an e-mail
inviting her to... mini golf.

[ Typing ]

[ Rings ]

[ Beeps ]
Hello.

[ Barney ] Mini golf?
Who takes a first date
to mini golf?

I'm comin' over!

Oh, Ted, Ted, Ted,
Teddy, Ted, Ted.
Who buzzed you in?

Did you really think you
could start dating online
and I wouldn't find out?

But-- Wha-- Th-This girl,
she-she was--

Me. She was me, Ted.

The photo was just
of some girl I knew
you'd never seen before--

a very famous sports anchor
on ESPN.

Barney, I don't need you to
help me find a girl online.

Exactly, because
I've already done it.

Three girls, in fact.

I scoured the dating sites using
my own personal logarithms,

factoring in a broad spectrum
of variables,

filtering out undesirable
high-risk negatives,

guaranteeing
a success rate of 83--

You picked the girls
that showed the most boob.

My methods get results.

Go out
with these three girls...

and your palate is going to
be so cleansed, you will see
your reflection in it.

And when you do,

you can fix the hair, because--
Have you seen yourself?

No. But you know
what I have seen?

Your stripper girlfriend's
cans. Wow.

Wow.
Wow, wow.

That was going way
too far, wasn't it?

I'm sorry.
My condolences.

Come on.

Man, Marshall's
really stressing out
about this baby.

He's reading every book,
watching breast-feeding
documentaries.

I woke up the other day,
he had swaddled me.

Sure, it was the best night's
sleep I have had in months,
but still--

You know what
his latest thing is?

[ Klaxon Blaring ]

What the hell is that?
[ Continues ]

[ Muffled Grunting ]

[ Stops ]
Marshall, what is that?

I rigged this alarm
to go off every three hours.

I'm training myself for
the sporadic sleep patterns
of early parenthood.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a practice baby
to soothe.

You got to talk to him.
Yeah, I'll talk to him
tonight.

Maybe tomorrow morning.
One last swaddle?

It's just so cozy.
It's like sleeping
in a warm burrito.

[ Ted Narrating ]
Meanwhile, Barney
was about to have...

a stripper's boyfriend's
worst nightmare.

Karma? Oh, my gosh.

I didn't recognize you without
your legs behind your head.

Darryl. I didn't
recognize you without
your creepy trench coat.

How are you?
Great.
You working tomorrow?

You know it.
Great. I'll be there
with bells on.

And by "bells," I mean
super-thin sweatpants.

[ Both Laughing ]
Gross.

He's actually a nice guy.

He's so busy as deputy mayor,
but I always get a card
on my birthday.

Quinn, I love the fact
that you're a stripper,

but I hate the fact
that you're a stripper.

Barney, I like my job,

and I do not need
to be rescued.

So don't be that guy.

You're right.
You're right.
I got it.

Forget I said anything.

I'll see you tonight, Karma?
You got it, Dirty Larry.

You have to
quit your job!

[ Ted Narrating ] That night,
I went out with the first girl
Barney picked for me.

There was just one problem.

Your name is Robin?

Yeah. With a "Y."
[ Chuckles ]

Oh, "Yobin."

No, Robyn.

I go by "Scotch and Gun Lover"
in my online profile...

'cause those are
my two favorite things.

Well, next to Canada,
my home and native land.

Oh. Canada.

[ Ted Narrating ]
And just like that,

Robyn became Robin.

How's it goin', Ted?

Oh, good. Hey, look,
Mommy's back from the bar.

[ Door Closes ]
Now I can finally
take a shower.

[ Sighs ]
[ Kiss ]

This diaper smells.
I don't want to know.

Okay, Marshall, sit down.
We need to talk.

[ Sighs ]
Look, I know
you mean well,

but we have five weeks
till the due date.

Can't we use this time
to just relax?

We'll figure out
how all this stuff works
after the baby comes.

After the baby comes?

Yeah, we'll learn
on the job.

Learn on the jo-- Huh.

Wow. You know, Lily, maybe
the crisis here isn't that
I'm not ready to be a dad.

Maybe it's that you're
not ready to be a mom.

Excuse me?
Yeah, you--

[ Ted Narrating ]
With that, an argument began,

the details of which are still
hotly debated to this day.

For instance, Uncle Marshall
swears he never said--

I'm the only one making
sacrifices for this baby.

What?
And he claims he never
actually uttered the words--

It's like you don't even know
that you're pregnant.

While Lily insists
this part was exaggerated.

Babies are easy.
You just watch 'em be cute
and feed 'em spaghetti.

But everyone agrees this
is how the argument ended.

Marshall, what I need now
is some peace, some quiet...

and-- now that
it's out there--
some spaghetti.

Now please
help me off the couch
so I can storm out.

Huh!

[ Ted Narrating ]
The next day, I filled
Barney in on my date.

Oh, Yobin.

No, Robyn.

And for the rest of the night,
every time I looked at her,
I just saw Robin's face.

Well, I should hope so.

No, our Robin.
Robin with an "I."

Uh, our Robin has
two eyes, my friend.

But that's good.
You're forgetting
what she looks like.

I'm sorry.
That must have been tough.

If anyone knows what
that feels like, it's me.

My condolences.

Okay, moving on.

Next girl,
perfect palate cleanser.
Nothing like Robin.

How nothing?

I gaze out into the world...

and all I see is an icy place
where dreams die.

Ooh, lasagna.

How's it goin', Ted?

What? No!
What-- Wha-- Why?

Remember? I made lasagna
that one time.

That's all it takes?
It wasn't even lasagna.

You took your botched kugel
and poured tomato sauce on it.

I didn't say
it was good lasagna.

By the way, what are you
doing with this girl?

With tattoos
all up and down her arms
and everywhere else.

Hello. Good gravy.

Does that dragon's tail go
all the way down to her--

Oh, yes, it does.

Well, what do you
want me to do, Robin?

I have to get over you somehow,
and if this is what it takes--

Are you okay?

Yeah. Why?

You kind of spaced out
there. Weirdo.

"So in summation,
I'm very, very sorry.

I guess I just wanted you
all to myself,

and then I thought
of all the creepy guys
groping at your--

Okay, I'm getting mad again,
so I'm going to stop
writing now.

Please enjoy these chocolates.
May contain peanuts."

Kiss and make up?

[ Chuckles ]

Have sex up against
the window and make up?

[ Laughs ]
Well, you do have
a great view.

Well, funny you
should mention that.
It's your view.

Come again for Big Fudge?

Congratulations.
You're hired.

You are Goliath National Bank's
newest executive strategy
coordinator.

What is an executive
strategy coordinator?

It's three
corporate-sounding words
which, when added together,

equal a fake job
for which you get
a real paycheck...

in the amount of exactly
what you'd make stripping.

Plus dental. You're "welcs."

Now about that
up-against-the-window sex--

Dude, I don't want
to work for a bank.
Why not?

Because I have standards.
You people are whores.

The things you're willing
to do just for some money,
it's shameful.

You work in a strip club.

Yeah, and I like it,
and I'm good at it.

Barney, if I took this job,
you would own me.

I would be willingly
stepping into a cage,

which is something
I don't do.

Except on Thursdays,
when it's cage night
at the Lusty Leopard,

but that's a cardboard cage,
and I can get out of it
any time I want.

You can?

Wow. Thanks for
ruining cage night.

Come on, Quinn.
No.

I wouldn't--
No. Don't.

I think I have
some thinking to do.

I--
[ Sighs ]

Mr. Stinson, does this mean
I get to keep my job?

[ Sighs ]
Yeah, Herm, you can stay.

Hey, baby, listen,
I'm-I'm sorry I flipped out.

No, that's okay.

To be fair, maybe I'm at fault
for loving our child too much,

although that is the definition
of parenting, so--

All right, good makeup.
Hey, listen, I went online...

and I found this
baby boot camp thing...

that they're doing at a hotel
in Paramus this weekend.

Baby boot camp?
That sounds great.

Yeah, it's a two-day event.
We're going.

And there's lots of seminars
and classes.
You've already made the sale.

Anyway, I signed us up.
Not even listening anymore.

Mentally packing and trying
to figure out the best way
to get to Paramus...

without hitting any tolls.
This is gonna be great!

And that was the last time
I'll ever go out with a guy
with a mustache.

[ Both Laugh ]

[ Thinking ]
This is good.
This is nice.

Not thinking about
you-know-who.

Just having a good time...

and thanking God
I didn't grow that mustache.

And you,
you're so polite.

My ex-fiancé, Wayne,
he had no manners.

[ Thinking ]
Wayne had no manners.
Wayne Manners.

Wayne Manor,
home of Bruce Wayne,

better known as Batman,

mentor to Dick Grayson,
his orphaned ward,

who at night would don
the colorful vestments
of the Boy Wonder, a.k.a.--

Robin!

Holy long walk for
a short drink of water, Ted.

Stop this. I need you
out of my life for real.

You don't mean that.
Yes, I do.

No, you don't.
Look how much
is changing right now.

Marshall and Lily
are having a baby.

Barney's shacking up
with a girl.

With your whole world
turning upside down,

isn't a friendship
like this one...

something you
want to hold onto
as tightly as possible?

Every time I look at you,
it hurts.

And that's the story of
my only lesbian experience.

I'm sorry for going
into so much detail.

I'll never tell
that story again.

Anyway, how's your meal?

Holly, listen, I should
probably tell you, um,

I'm kind of getting
over someone right now.

I am so glad you said that.

I guess I'm still
getting over Wayne.
It's been really hard.

Can I interest you
in some sorbet?

You two look like you could
both use a palate cleanser.

Ohh.
[ Exhales ]

How's your palate, Ted?

Pretty cleansed.

[ Both Chuckle ]

Oh. You know, at this seminar,
there's gonna be the one guy
who's like Mr. Parenting Expert.

Keeps interrupting the speakers
with his own "important facts."

And you're gonna be
sittin' right next to him,
so get ready for that.

Baby, you've been a little
sleep deprived lately.

Why don't you let me drive?

You know what?
That's not such a bad idea.

I mean, the last thing we want
is for me to get behind
the wheel and just--

[ Snoring ]

[ Chuckles, Sniffs ]

Mmm.
[ Sniffs ]

Oh, baby, you smell good.

When we get to that hotel,
I'm gonna wear your
pregnant belly like a hat.

You'll have
to buy me a couple
of cocktails first.

Bar-Barney?
Where are we.

Atlantic City, baby!

Well, in 14 miles.

What the hell is going on?

And where is Lily?

And what did you do
to the practice baby?

And is there any left?

Lily was worried about you.
She thought you needed
to unwind, so--

I mean, the last thing
we want is for me to get
behind the wheel and just--

[ Snoring ]

[ Barney Narrating ]
She made reservations for
two deluxe rooms, massages...

and dinner at The Palm,
and, in return,
I made her cookies.

So there's no baby boot camp
at the Paramus Waldorf?

Is there even
a Paramus Waldorf?

Bro.

I am so mad at Lily right now.

She knew you would be.
That's why she packed this.

Oh. My "mad at Lily" shirt.

I had this made for me and my
high school girlfriend, Steph.

In reality,
"Marshall and Steph forever"...

turned out to be
"Marshall and Steph
for two days...

until Steph's boyfriend got
out of juvie a week early."

Drives Lily crazy
when I wear it.

I hope she's miserable
without me.

Hey, Ted.
How's tricks?
Tricks are pretty good, Lou.

Had some girl trouble earlier
in the week, but, uh,

I got a feelin', from here on
out, things are gonna be A-o--
You son of a bitch!

Hello.

[ All Cheer ]
Yeah!

Lily's right.

I've been acting crazy.
Nah, it's okay, bro.

I mean, yeah, you've
been a little crazy.

But it comes from love.

It's the same kind of crazy
that makes a man offer
his stripper girlfriend...

over half a million dollars
of government bailout money...

not to rub up
on other guys' junk.

It's good crazy.

[ All Groaning ]

I hope Lily's okay.
Okay.

You know, that's it, bro.
We're both turnin' off
our phones for one hour.

Motion denied.

Okay, you leave me
no choice.

Proposal: You give me one hour
of phone-free bro time,

during which we--
and by we, I mean you--

get magnificently,
mythologically drunk.

I'm talkin' needing subtitles
when you speak drunk.

If you can give me that,

I will wear this.

The-The ducky tie?
I thought you
threw that thing away.

I did.

It came back.

All right, Barney.
You got yourself a deal.

[ Laughs ]

Um, excuse me, miss.

Um, when you get a chance,
could you bring over a hundred
shots of tequila, please?

I'll have the same.

- Why are you still here?
- Why do you think
I'm still here?

I guess because
I'm in love with you.

Why else would I be seeing
your face everywhere I look?

Because you feel bad.

Of course I feel bad.

I told you I love you, which
is apparently the worst thing
you can say to someone.

That's not why you feel bad.

You feel bad because
after you said it,
you let me go away.

I know our relationship isn't
exactly what you want it to be.

And I know
I may not love you
the way you love me,

but I do love you.

Isn't that worth
hanging onto?

[ Sighs ]

I miss you.

So go get me back.

Ohh! Ahh!

Robin.
Ted.

It's good to really see you.
I mean, it's really good
to see you.

Look, I think we need to talk.

Uh, me, too, but now's
not a good time.
Why not?

I am proud of you, bro.

You turned off your phone
for one hour,
and you got so drunk--

[ Mumbling ]

Exactly.

Hey, Zed.

Yes, Marshall?

[ Mumbling ]

Well, I don't see why not.

[ Beeps ]

Whoa! I've got
17 new voice mails.

Barney, it's Lily.
You guys need to get back
to New York right away.

I'm in labor.

Whoo!
All hail Beercules!
[ Laughing ]

Yeah!
[ Laughs ]

All right, Barney.
You got yourself a deal.

[ Laughs ]

Hey. You've reached Marshall.
Please leave a message.
[ Beeps ]

Hey, baby, it's me.

I think I'm in labor.

[ Laughs ]
We should do this
every weekend.

[ Beeps ]
Okay, this is real.

It's not a false alarm.
This is real. I'm in labor.

I kind of need you
to call me back now.

How does somebody so little
have such strong fingers?

[ Beeps ]
Where are you?
Call me!

He is the manager
of the Paramus Waldorf.

You come to Paramus,
we will hook you up!

[ Beeps ]
If you're trying
to get back at me,

you have chosen a wildly
inappropriate way of doing so!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.