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[ Ted Narrating ]
In May of 2012,
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00:00:03,271 --> 00:00:06,040
Marshall and Lily
hosted a baby shower
in the apartment.
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00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:07,641
All their friends were there.
4
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:10,178
So, of course, I made sure
to show up exactly--
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00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:12,280
[ Knocking ]
three hours late.
6
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:13,681
Oh, no.
7
00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:15,716
Am I late?
Little bit.
8
00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:18,852
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I would have gotten here
earlier. It's just, um--
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00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:21,089
- You didn't want to see Robin.
- I didn't want to see Robin.
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00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:24,792
I know, it's childish.
She's not here, is she?
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00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:26,160
Actually--
12
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:31,432
Oh, no.
Am I early?
13
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:32,800
Little bit.
14
00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:37,438
Whoa. She got you
the red stroller?
15
00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:41,709
Looks like I just blew
her out of the water.
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00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:44,378
Anyway, she left
before the party started.
17
00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:45,479
Ah.
18
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:46,947
I'm really sorry.
19
00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:49,650
I just think it's best
if Robin and I don't see
each other for a while.
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00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:52,686
Ted, it's fine.
I'm a child of divorce.
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00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:56,657
You guys keep fighting
all you want, as long as
the expensive gifts keep coming.
22
00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:58,592
Uh, so how was the shower?
23
00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:00,128
It was good.
24
00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:03,764
Although there was one
weird moment with Barney's
new stripper girlfriend.
25
00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:05,433
Fifty laps a day?
26
00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:08,569
Oh, my goodness, young lady,
that is a lot.
27
00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:10,204
Oh, is it?
28
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:13,141
Is it a lot,
Grandma Lois?
29
00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:16,210
Yes, my girlfriend gets naked...
** [ "Battle Hymn
of the Republic" ]
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00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:17,845
and sits on guys' laps
for money.
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00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:21,382
And, yes,
sometimes it's as many
as 50 laps in one day.
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00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:26,654
And maybe society
considers what she does
to be "disgusting."
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00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,322
Or "slutty."
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00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:31,425
Or verging on
"prostitution."
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00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:34,262
Or "actual prostitution."
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00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:36,364
But you know what?
I accept her.
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00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:39,867
And if you
can't do the same,
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00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,735
well, then shame on you.
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00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:47,875
Shame... on... you.
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00:01:49,743 --> 00:01:53,481
** [ Ends ]
We were, um,
talking about swimming--
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00:01:53,547 --> 00:01:56,784
how I sometimes swim
50 laps a day.
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00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:02,323
Well, it's great cardio.
Lois, can I top off
your champagne?
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00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:05,859
** [ Upbeat Pop ]
44
00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,397
** [ Man Vocalizing ]
45
00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:16,237
** [ Ends ]
46
00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:17,638
You know, it's funny.
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00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:19,973
You tell the average guy
you're dating a stripper,
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00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,409
he thinks it's awesome.
49
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:24,111
Heck, you tell your mom,
she high-fives you so fast...
50
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:26,280
she doesn't even
take off her oven mitts.
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00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:29,450
But if they had any idea
how difficult it is--
52
00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:32,686
the jealousy, the insecurity--
53
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:37,491
those high fives would be
high fives of condolence.
54
00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:41,262
Barney, condolence high fives
are not a thing.
55
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:42,763
They're a thing.
56
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,932
I'm afraid
we're gonna have
to let you go.
57
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:47,701
Up top.
58
00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:52,506
Ah, listen to me
and my boring couples' problems.
59
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:53,774
How are you?
60
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:56,244
- How's the single life?
- I wouldn't know.
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00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:59,580
After this whole Robin thing,
for the time being,
I'm layin' low.
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00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:02,883
Laying low, as in sleeping
with a really short chick?
63
00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,985
- Hmm.
- You guys doin' 39?
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00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:07,154
I mean
I'm not seeing anyone.
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00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:09,390
I'm just trying to get
Robin out of my head.
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00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:11,625
You need a palate cleanser.
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00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:12,760
Barney, please,
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00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:15,028
don't try to set me up with
Quinn's stripper friends.
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00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:16,464
- I wouldn't dream of it.
- Why not?
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00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,299
How many hints
do I have to drop?
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00:03:18,366 --> 00:03:21,635
No, I'm thinking of something
much more traditional--
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00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,071
- online dating.
- Yeah. No, thanks.
73
00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:26,407
Come on, Ted, it's 2012.
74
00:03:26,474 --> 00:03:28,942
What do you expect-- to meet
some cute travel agent...
75
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:31,612
when you're readin'
a newspaper at a bookstore?
76
00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:33,714
None of those things
exist anymore.
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00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:39,587
Barney, I will never, ever,
ever try online dating.
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00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:41,489
[ Ted Narrating ]
That night,
I tried online dating.
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00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,525
And, kids, the first girl
I found was amazing--
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00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:46,994
beautiful, smart, funny,
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00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,629
huge fan
of pre-war architecture.
82
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:51,899
Favorite poet-- Neruda.
Favorite movie-- Ghostbusters.
83
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,701
And she didn't hate Cleveland.
84
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,936
She's perfect.
85
00:03:56,003 --> 00:04:00,674
So I sent her an e-mail
inviting her to... mini golf.
86
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,644
[ Typing ]
87
00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:05,178
[ Rings ]
88
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,780
[ Beeps ]
Hello.
89
00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:09,850
[ Barney ] Mini golf?
Who takes a first date
to mini golf?
90
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,485
I'm comin' over!
91
00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:15,423
Oh, Ted, Ted, Ted,
Teddy, Ted, Ted.
Who buzzed you in?
92
00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:18,258
Did you really think you
could start dating online
and I wouldn't find out?
93
00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:21,762
But-- Wha-- Th-This girl,
she-she was--
94
00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:23,664
Me. She was me, Ted.
95
00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:26,500
The photo was just
of some girl I knew
you'd never seen before--
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00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,902
a very famous sports anchor
on ESPN.
97
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:32,840
Barney, I don't need you to
help me find a girl online.
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00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:35,142
Exactly, because
I've already done it.
99
00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:36,844
Three girls, in fact.
100
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:40,814
I scoured the dating sites using
my own personal logarithms,
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00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:43,451
factoring in a broad spectrum
of variables,
102
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,786
filtering out undesirable
high-risk negatives,
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00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:48,756
guaranteeing
a success rate of 83--
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00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,558
You picked the girls
that showed the most boob.
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00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,060
My methods get results.
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00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,429
Go out
with these three girls...
107
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:58,866
and your palate is going to
be so cleansed, you will see
your reflection in it.
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00:04:58,932 --> 00:05:00,534
And when you do,
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00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:03,371
you can fix the hair, because--
Have you seen yourself?
110
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,606
No. But you know
what I have seen?
111
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:08,476
Your stripper girlfriend's
cans. Wow.
112
00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:09,910
Wow.
Wow, wow.
113
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:12,179
That was going way
too far, wasn't it?
114
00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,748
I'm sorry.
My condolences.
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00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:17,351
Come on.
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00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:23,023
Man, Marshall's
really stressing out
about this baby.
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00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:27,395
He's reading every book,
watching breast-feeding
documentaries.
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00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:30,831
I woke up the other day,
he had swaddled me.
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00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:34,301
Sure, it was the best night's
sleep I have had in months,
but still--
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00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:36,904
You know what
his latest thing is?
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00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:39,707
[ Klaxon Blaring ]
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00:05:39,773 --> 00:05:43,777
What the hell is that?
[ Continues ]
123
00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:46,647
[ Muffled Grunting ]
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00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:49,450
[ Stops ]
Marshall, what is that?
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00:05:49,517 --> 00:05:52,920
I rigged this alarm
to go off every three hours.
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00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:56,657
I'm training myself for
the sporadic sleep patterns
of early parenthood.
127
00:05:56,724 --> 00:06:00,828
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have a practice baby
to soothe.
128
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:07,468
You got to talk to him.
Yeah, I'll talk to him
tonight.
129
00:06:07,535 --> 00:06:10,203
Maybe tomorrow morning.
One last swaddle?
130
00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:14,274
It's just so cozy.
It's like sleeping
in a warm burrito.
131
00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:16,243
[ Ted Narrating ]
Meanwhile, Barney
was about to have...
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00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,311
a stripper's boyfriend's
worst nightmare.
133
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,080
Karma? Oh, my gosh.
134
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,249
I didn't recognize you without
your legs behind your head.
135
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:25,886
Darryl. I didn't
recognize you without
your creepy trench coat.
136
00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:28,021
How are you?
Great.
You working tomorrow?
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00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:30,658
You know it.
Great. I'll be there
with bells on.
138
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,293
And by "bells," I mean
super-thin sweatpants.
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00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,996
[ Both Laughing ]
Gross.
140
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:38,131
He's actually a nice guy.
141
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:41,969
He's so busy as deputy mayor,
but I always get a card
on my birthday.
142
00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:44,938
Quinn, I love the fact
that you're a stripper,
143
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:47,207
but I hate the fact
that you're a stripper.
144
00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:50,444
Barney, I like my job,
145
00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:52,446
and I do not need
to be rescued.
146
00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:55,415
So don't be that guy.
147
00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:57,350
You're right.
You're right.
I got it.
148
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:58,886
Forget I said anything.
149
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,656
I'll see you tonight, Karma?
You got it, Dirty Larry.
150
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:05,425
You have to
quit your job!
151
00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:08,662
[ Ted Narrating ] That night,
I went out with the first girl
Barney picked for me.
152
00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:10,297
There was just one problem.
153
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:12,232
Your name is Robin?
154
00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:14,201
Yeah. With a "Y."
[ Chuckles ]
155
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,870
Oh, "Yobin."
156
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,672
No, Robyn.
157
00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:21,742
I go by "Scotch and Gun Lover"
in my online profile...
158
00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:23,711
'cause those are
my two favorite things.
159
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:26,714
Well, next to Canada,
my home and native land.
160
00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:29,650
Oh. Canada.
161
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:31,418
[ Ted Narrating ]
And just like that,
162
00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:34,221
Robyn became Robin.
163
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,156
How's it goin', Ted?
164
00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:44,832
Oh, good. Hey, look,
Mommy's back from the bar.
165
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,700
[ Door Closes ]
Now I can finally
take a shower.
166
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:49,402
[ Sighs ]
[ Kiss ]
167
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,205
This diaper smells.
I don't want to know.
168
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:57,545
Okay, Marshall, sit down.
We need to talk.
169
00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:00,748
[ Sighs ]
Look, I know
you mean well,
170
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,517
but we have five weeks
till the due date.
171
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,219
Can't we use this time
to just relax?
172
00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:10,090
We'll figure out
how all this stuff works
after the baby comes.
173
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,792
After the baby comes?
174
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,493
Yeah, we'll learn
on the job.
175
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,763
Learn on the jo-- Huh.
176
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:21,034
Wow. You know, Lily, maybe
the crisis here isn't that
I'm not ready to be a dad.
177
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,270
Maybe it's that you're
not ready to be a mom.
178
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,838
Excuse me?
Yeah, you--
179
00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:26,106
[ Ted Narrating ]
With that, an argument began,
180
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,776
the details of which are still
hotly debated to this day.
181
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:31,178
For instance, Uncle Marshall
swears he never said--
182
00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:34,214
I'm the only one making
sacrifices for this baby.
183
00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:36,349
What?
And he claims he never
actually uttered the words--
184
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:38,485
It's like you don't even know
that you're pregnant.
185
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:40,621
While Lily insists
this part was exaggerated.
186
00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:44,825
Babies are easy.
You just watch 'em be cute
and feed 'em spaghetti.
187
00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:47,795
But everyone agrees this
is how the argument ended.
188
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:50,598
Marshall, what I need now
is some peace, some quiet...
189
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,332
and-- now that
it's out there--
some spaghetti.
190
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:55,102
Now please
help me off the couch
so I can storm out.
191
00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:58,906
Huh!
192
00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:04,912
[ Ted Narrating ]
The next day, I filled
Barney in on my date.
193
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:07,414
Oh, Yobin.
194
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,683
No, Robyn.
195
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:13,821
And for the rest of the night,
every time I looked at her,
I just saw Robin's face.
196
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,522
Well, I should hope so.
197
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:17,825
No, our Robin.
Robin with an "I."
198
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:20,193
Uh, our Robin has
two eyes, my friend.
199
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,962
But that's good.
You're forgetting
what she looks like.
200
00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:25,532
I'm sorry.
That must have been tough.
201
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:28,368
If anyone knows what
that feels like, it's me.
202
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:30,337
My condolences.
203
00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:35,242
Okay, moving on.
204
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:39,512
Next girl,
perfect palate cleanser.
Nothing like Robin.
205
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:40,781
How nothing?
206
00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:42,650
I gaze out into the world...
207
00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:46,820
and all I see is an icy place
where dreams die.
208
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:50,891
Ooh, lasagna.
209
00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:53,393
How's it goin', Ted?
210
00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,462
What? No!
What-- Wha-- Why?
211
00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:57,564
Remember? I made lasagna
that one time.
212
00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,967
That's all it takes?
It wasn't even lasagna.
213
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:02,903
You took your botched kugel
and poured tomato sauce on it.
214
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:05,673
I didn't say
it was good lasagna.
215
00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:08,108
By the way, what are you
doing with this girl?
216
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:12,112
With tattoos
all up and down her arms
and everywhere else.
217
00:10:12,179 --> 00:10:15,048
Hello. Good gravy.
218
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,050
Does that dragon's tail go
all the way down to her--
219
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,753
Oh, yes, it does.
220
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,621
Well, what do you
want me to do, Robin?
221
00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:25,225
I have to get over you somehow,
and if this is what it takes--
222
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,960
Are you okay?
223
00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:30,097
Yeah. Why?
224
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:34,234
You kind of spaced out
there. Weirdo.
225
00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:38,706
"So in summation,
I'm very, very sorry.
226
00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:41,108
I guess I just wanted you
all to myself,
227
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:43,476
and then I thought
of all the creepy guys
groping at your--
228
00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:46,179
Okay, I'm getting mad again,
so I'm going to stop
writing now.
229
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:49,750
Please enjoy these chocolates.
May contain peanuts."
230
00:10:49,817 --> 00:10:52,052
Kiss and make up?
231
00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:53,954
[ Chuckles ]
232
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,923
Have sex up against
the window and make up?
233
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:59,326
[ Laughs ]
Well, you do have
a great view.
234
00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:02,429
Well, funny you
should mention that.
It's your view.
235
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,698
Come again for Big Fudge?
236
00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:06,499
Congratulations.
You're hired.
237
00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:11,638
You are Goliath National Bank's
newest executive strategy
coordinator.
238
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:14,341
What is an executive
strategy coordinator?
239
00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:17,344
It's three
corporate-sounding words
which, when added together,
240
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:21,148
equal a fake job
for which you get
a real paycheck...
241
00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:23,550
in the amount of exactly
what you'd make stripping.
242
00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:25,919
Plus dental. You're "welcs."
243
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:27,921
Now about that
up-against-the-window sex--
244
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:30,390
Dude, I don't want
to work for a bank.
Why not?
245
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:34,161
Because I have standards.
You people are whores.
246
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:37,597
The things you're willing
to do just for some money,
it's shameful.
247
00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:39,900
You work in a strip club.
248
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:43,336
Yeah, and I like it,
and I'm good at it.
249
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:47,207
Barney, if I took this job,
you would own me.
250
00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:49,576
I would be willingly
stepping into a cage,
251
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,278
which is something
I don't do.
252
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,480
Except on Thursdays,
when it's cage night
at the Lusty Leopard,
253
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:56,716
but that's a cardboard cage,
and I can get out of it
any time I want.
254
00:11:56,784 --> 00:11:58,218
You can?
255
00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,754
Wow. Thanks for
ruining cage night.
256
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,322
Come on, Quinn.
No.
257
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:03,857
I wouldn't--
No. Don't.
258
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,994
I think I have
some thinking to do.
259
00:12:08,628 --> 00:12:10,430
I--
[ Sighs ]
260
00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:13,033
Mr. Stinson, does this mean
I get to keep my job?
261
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:15,869
[ Sighs ]
Yeah, Herm, you can stay.
262
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:19,873
Hey, baby, listen,
I'm-I'm sorry I flipped out.
263
00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:21,474
No, that's okay.
264
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:25,212
To be fair, maybe I'm at fault
for loving our child too much,
265
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:27,580
although that is the definition
of parenting, so--
266
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:30,650
All right, good makeup.
Hey, listen, I went online...
267
00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:32,519
and I found this
baby boot camp thing...
268
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,122
that they're doing at a hotel
in Paramus this weekend.
269
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,825
Baby boot camp?
That sounds great.
270
00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:40,193
Yeah, it's a two-day event.
We're going.
271
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:43,163
And there's lots of seminars
and classes.
You've already made the sale.
272
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:45,665
Anyway, I signed us up.
Not even listening anymore.
273
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:48,401
Mentally packing and trying
to figure out the best way
to get to Paramus...
274
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:51,104
without hitting any tolls.
This is gonna be great!
275
00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:56,676
And that was the last time
I'll ever go out with a guy
with a mustache.
276
00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,045
[ Both Laugh ]
277
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,113
[ Thinking ]
This is good.
This is nice.
278
00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:01,815
Not thinking about
you-know-who.
279
00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:03,750
Just having a good time...
280
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:06,153
and thanking God
I didn't grow that mustache.
281
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:09,322
And you,
you're so polite.
282
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:13,226
My ex-fiancé, Wayne,
he had no manners.
283
00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:16,796
[ Thinking ]
Wayne had no manners.
Wayne Manners.
284
00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:19,867
Wayne Manor,
home of Bruce Wayne,
285
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,801
better known as Batman,
286
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:24,337
mentor to Dick Grayson,
his orphaned ward,
287
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:29,076
who at night would don
the colorful vestments
of the Boy Wonder, a.k.a.--
288
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,210
Robin!
289
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:33,446
Holy long walk for
a short drink of water, Ted.
290
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:36,616
Stop this. I need you
out of my life for real.
291
00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:38,118
You don't mean that.
Yes, I do.
292
00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:40,888
No, you don't.
Look how much
is changing right now.
293
00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:43,256
Marshall and Lily
are having a baby.
294
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:44,925
Barney's shacking up
with a girl.
295
00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:47,360
With your whole world
turning upside down,
296
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,096
isn't a friendship
like this one...
297
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:52,199
something you
want to hold onto
as tightly as possible?
298
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:57,437
Every time I look at you,
it hurts.
299
00:13:57,504 --> 00:14:01,141
And that's the story of
my only lesbian experience.
300
00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:04,111
I'm sorry for going
into so much detail.
301
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,479
I'll never tell
that story again.
302
00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:08,148
Anyway, how's your meal?
303
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:12,019
Holly, listen, I should
probably tell you, um,
304
00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:14,021
I'm kind of getting
over someone right now.
305
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:16,756
I am so glad you said that.
306
00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:21,661
I guess I'm still
getting over Wayne.
It's been really hard.
307
00:14:21,728 --> 00:14:23,696
Can I interest you
in some sorbet?
308
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:26,066
You two look like you could
both use a palate cleanser.
309
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:32,405
Ohh.
[ Exhales ]
310
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:34,607
How's your palate, Ted?
311
00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:36,009
Pretty cleansed.
312
00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:38,711
[ Both Chuckle ]
313
00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:44,351
Oh. You know, at this seminar,
there's gonna be the one guy
who's like Mr. Parenting Expert.
314
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:47,854
Keeps interrupting the speakers
with his own "important facts."
315
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:52,192
And you're gonna be
sittin' right next to him,
so get ready for that.
316
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:55,128
Baby, you've been a little
sleep deprived lately.
317
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:56,863
Why don't you let me drive?
318
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:59,866
You know what?
That's not such a bad idea.
319
00:14:59,933 --> 00:15:05,872
I mean, the last thing we want
is for me to get behind
the wheel and just--
320
00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:08,275
[ Snoring ]
321
00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:12,679
[ Chuckles, Sniffs ]
322
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,547
Mmm.
[ Sniffs ]
323
00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:18,118
Oh, baby, you smell good.
324
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:23,156
When we get to that hotel,
I'm gonna wear your
pregnant belly like a hat.
325
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,125
You'll have
to buy me a couple
of cocktails first.
326
00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:28,528
Bar-Barney?
Where are we.
327
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:31,564
Atlantic City, baby!
328
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,466
Well, in 14 miles.
329
00:15:38,871 --> 00:15:40,840
What the hell is going on?
330
00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:42,375
And where is Lily?
331
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,644
And what did you do
to the practice baby?
332
00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:47,047
And is there any left?
333
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:52,052
Lily was worried about you.
She thought you needed
to unwind, so--
334
00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:57,924
I mean, the last thing
we want is for me to get
behind the wheel and just--
335
00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,959
[ Snoring ]
336
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,631
[ Barney Narrating ]
She made reservations for
two deluxe rooms, massages...
337
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:08,268
and dinner at The Palm,
and, in return,
I made her cookies.
338
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:14,174
So there's no baby boot camp
at the Paramus Waldorf?
339
00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:17,544
Is there even
a Paramus Waldorf?
340
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:18,978
Bro.
341
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:21,514
I am so mad at Lily right now.
342
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:25,118
She knew you would be.
That's why she packed this.
343
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:29,689
Oh. My "mad at Lily" shirt.
344
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:34,527
I had this made for me and my
high school girlfriend, Steph.
345
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:36,729
In reality,
"Marshall and Steph forever"...
346
00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:39,599
turned out to be
"Marshall and Steph
for two days...
347
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,602
until Steph's boyfriend got
out of juvie a week early."
348
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,638
Drives Lily crazy
when I wear it.
349
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:49,342
I hope she's miserable
without me.
350
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,150
Hey, Ted.
How's tricks?
Tricks are pretty good, Lou.
351
00:16:57,217 --> 00:17:00,187
Had some girl trouble earlier
in the week, but, uh,
352
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:04,757
I got a feelin', from here on
out, things are gonna be A-o--
You son of a bitch!
353
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:06,493
Hello.
354
00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:09,396
[ All Cheer ]
Yeah!
355
00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:10,497
Lily's right.
356
00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:13,100
I've been acting crazy.
Nah, it's okay, bro.
357
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,635
I mean, yeah, you've
been a little crazy.
358
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,170
But it comes from love.
359
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:21,408
It's the same kind of crazy
that makes a man offer
his stripper girlfriend...
360
00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:23,810
over half a million dollars
of government bailout money...
361
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,678
not to rub up
on other guys' junk.
362
00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:26,913
It's good crazy.
363
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:29,516
[ All Groaning ]
364
00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:33,853
I hope Lily's okay.
Okay.
365
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,889
You know, that's it, bro.
We're both turnin' off
our phones for one hour.
366
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:38,024
Motion denied.
367
00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:40,760
Okay, you leave me
no choice.
368
00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:44,731
Proposal: You give me one hour
of phone-free bro time,
369
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:47,667
during which we--
and by we, I mean you--
370
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,570
get magnificently,
mythologically drunk.
371
00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:54,174
I'm talkin' needing subtitles
when you speak drunk.
372
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:56,609
If you can give me that,
373
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:58,978
I will wear this.
374
00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:02,415
The-The ducky tie?
I thought you
threw that thing away.
375
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:04,451
I did.
376
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:05,718
It came back.
377
00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:09,389
All right, Barney.
You got yourself a deal.
378
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:11,424
[ Laughs ]
379
00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:15,295
Um, excuse me, miss.
380
00:18:15,362 --> 00:18:20,733
Um, when you get a chance,
could you bring over a hundred
shots of tequila, please?
381
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,169
I'll have the same.
382
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:29,642
- Why are you still here?
- Why do you think
I'm still here?
383
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:33,280
I guess because
I'm in love with you.
384
00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:35,848
Why else would I be seeing
your face everywhere I look?
385
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:37,384
Because you feel bad.
386
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:40,086
Of course I feel bad.
387
00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:44,991
I told you I love you, which
is apparently the worst thing
you can say to someone.
388
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:46,926
That's not why you feel bad.
389
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:51,731
You feel bad because
after you said it,
you let me go away.
390
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:55,268
I know our relationship isn't
exactly what you want it to be.
391
00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:58,638
And I know
I may not love you
the way you love me,
392
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:01,641
but I do love you.
393
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,811
Isn't that worth
hanging onto?
394
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,716
[ Sighs ]
395
00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:12,719
I miss you.
396
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:14,887
So go get me back.
397
00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:22,262
Ohh! Ahh!
398
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:24,764
Robin.
Ted.
399
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:27,367
It's good to really see you.
I mean, it's really good
to see you.
400
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:28,868
Look, I think we need to talk.
401
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:32,071
Uh, me, too, but now's
not a good time.
Why not?
402
00:19:32,138 --> 00:19:34,106
I am proud of you, bro.
403
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,944
You turned off your phone
for one hour,
and you got so drunk--
404
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,812
[ Mumbling ]
405
00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:44,584
Exactly.
406
00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,553
Hey, Zed.
407
00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:47,820
Yes, Marshall?
408
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:50,357
[ Mumbling ]
409
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:51,991
Well, I don't see why not.
410
00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:54,193
[ Beeps ]
411
00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:58,030
Whoa! I've got
17 new voice mails.
412
00:19:58,097 --> 00:20:01,301
Barney, it's Lily.
You guys need to get back
to New York right away.
413
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:02,802
I'm in labor.
414
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:07,740
Whoo!
All hail Beercules!
[ Laughing ]
415
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:10,843
Yeah!
[ Laughs ]
416
00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:21,020
All right, Barney.
You got yourself a deal.
417
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:22,221
[ Laughs ]
418
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:29,462
Hey. You've reached Marshall.
Please leave a message.
[ Beeps ]
419
00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:31,264
Hey, baby, it's me.
420
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:32,832
I think I'm in labor.
421
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:36,669
[ Laughs ]
We should do this
every weekend.
422
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,805
[ Beeps ]
Okay, this is real.
423
00:20:38,871 --> 00:20:41,274
It's not a false alarm.
This is real. I'm in labor.
424
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:43,676
I kind of need you
to call me back now.
425
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:48,114
How does somebody so little
have such strong fingers?
426
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:50,650
[ Beeps ]
Where are you?
Call me!
427
00:20:50,717 --> 00:20:53,620
He is the manager
of the Paramus Waldorf.
428
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:57,524
You come to Paramus,
we will hook you up!
429
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,426
[ Beeps ]
If you're trying
to get back at me,
430
00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:03,663
you have chosen a wildly
inappropriate way of doing so!
431
00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:05,264
Oh, yeah.
432
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:07,534
Oh, yeah.
31884
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