Original subtitles

I can't believe I'm talking to a therapist.

Well, usually, I'm not the touchy-feely, "talk about your emotions" type.

But with this,

I just had to be a big enough person to admit that I need help.

Huh. I guess this is what growing up feels like.

This is court-mandated therapy.

You assaulted a woman.

Oh-- [ Chuckling ]

That silly thing.

I guess we can talk about that.

It all began a few months ago.

There's this guy-- Barney. We used to date.

I set him up with this girl I work with-- Nora.

Barney was working hard to prove he was real boyfriend material.

So all week, I had to sit there watching him...

send flowers,

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

chocolates,

balloons.

Then one day--

Hey.

Oh, I heard Barney didn't send anything today.

Patrice said maybe he met somebody else.

She's such a bitch, right?

* When a man loves a woman *

* Can't keep his mind on nothin' else *

He's so dreamy.

Nobody asked you, Patrice!

I'm sorry. You must already think that I am a horrible person.

Robin, many of my patients are disturbed felons.

Last week, one of them mailed me a bag of his feces.

On the plus side, he remembered my birthday.

- [ Chuckles ] - You're doing fine.

Well, finally, I-I just couldn't take it anymore. I snapped.

* When a man When a man *

* When this man loves a woman **

[ Gasps ]

[ All ] Aw!

- And that's when the assault occurred? - Not exactly.

[ Sobbing ]

** [ Upbeat Pop ]

** [ Man Vocalizing ]

** [ Ends ]

So you're drunk, under a desk, binge-eating stolen chocolates.

Boy, I am not coming across great here, am I?

This is not about how you're coming across.

- But no. - [ Sighs ]

Okay. Well, for this story to make sense,

I have to tell you about my friends Marshall and Lily.

That wine looks good.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Pregnant women can't drink alcohol.

No, my doctor says it's okay...

to have a sip of wine every now and then.

- Really? - Dr. Sonya's great.

Whenever you ask her if you can have something, she's, like--

[ Russian Accent ] Just a little bit.

Wait. Dr. Sonya doesn't let you have sushi, does she?

Just a little bit.

You're allowed to have Cheetos?

Cheetos?

Ah, just a little bit.

You mind if I double-check some of this stuff just in case?

I mean, it's the least I could do as part of Team Baby.

"Team Baby"? Whoa, what's next?

Like cheesy matching T-shirts?

No.

Robin, I've had serial killers lead me to shallow graves...

faster than you're telling this story.

Okay. [ Sighs ]

Look, it was getting impossible for me to be around Nora.

So when an opportunity to get rid of her presented itself--

It's Sandy time! Huddle up, gang.

Two things. One, somebody stole...

a very expensive bottle of wine from my office.

[ Clears Throat ]

Two, I need a producer to cover the G8 summit in France.

Oh, Nora will do it!

I mean, I know I have seniority, but--

I was gonna ask Nora anyway.

Thanks for the support, Robin. This is huge for me!

Well-- [ Clearing Throat ] A-Are you sure about this, Sandy?

I do have seniority.

Oh, I'm sure. Nora's amazing.

I want to have sex with her.

To deal with that rejection from Barney, not to mention your boss,

must really hurt.

Why don't we dig into those emotions?

So Marshall and Lily were at Dr. Sonya's office.

It's fascinating how profoundly little...

I know about vaginas.

[ Knocking On Door ] [ Dr. Sonya ] Come in.

Ted, what are you doing here?

I checked up on all the stuff this "doctor" says is okay.

And she's wrong.

So, for the health of this baby, I'm stepping in.

Sounds like this Ted guy could benefit from some therapy.

Oh, he definitely could.

This is unacceptable. I'm sorry. We're gonna have to find a new doctor.

- Guys, for the health of our baby-- - Our?

we have to get serious about what Lily is putting in her body.

Speaking of which, when we deliver, we won't be using any drugs.

[ Demonic Voice ] Get out!

Why are you kicking me out?

Because you're always intruding on our intimate moments.

This is like college all over again.

[ Sighs ] Man, you guys sure are messy.

There's clothes everywhere. There's even a sock on the door.

A sock on the door is a universal code for "We need some space."

We needed it back then, and we need it now.

Come on. We're a trio.

We've always been a trio.

We're right up there with Batman and Robin and Alfred.

Out.

Romeo and Juliet and the Apothecary. Now.

Salt and pepper and cumin.

What's that little guy up there do?

Oh, you poor girl.

- Robin. - It all ties together, I swear.

So, Nora was about to leave for France.

You know, not too long ago, I would have been worried...

that, if I left you alone, you'd be up to no good with some blonde bimbo.

Oh, I've changed.

I know. Which is why when I get back, it's gonna be the start of a new chapter for us.

A chapter of you, me and-- hopefully not that tie.

[ Chuckles ] Ah, you got me. Have a nice trip.

Dr. Stinson. I saw your ad,

and I'm here for my free breast reduction consultation.

Huh. What do you think?

Are they too big?

I can't believe you're still running plays on dumb blondes.

I thought you were serious about Nora.

No, I've been good, I swear.

I just forgot about my B.D.S.'s.

B.D.S.'s?

Bimbo Delivery Systems.

You see, over the years, I've launched a variety of elaborate systems...

that are always working to get me laid.

Like my pop-up ads.

Oh, hi. I'm Dr. Barney Stinson.

Are your really large breasts making everyday tasks difficult?

[ Gasps ] [ Vase Shatters ]

There's just gotta be a better way.

There is.

I, Dr. Barney Stinson, for a limited time only,

can give you a free breast reduction consultation.

Call me.

If your knockers are just too damn big,

I can handle them-- it.

Women actually fell for that?

Yeah. That business really took off.

It played in all kinds of markets.

Okay, Survivors, today's reward challenge...

is brought to you by Dr. Barney Stinson's...

free breast reduction consultations.

That scam was so successful, it spawned a related enterprise.

If you've been fooled by a well-endowed man...

who claimed to be a doctor offering free breast reduction consultations,

come see me, Arnie Linson, Attorney at Law,

and join my class action suit.

If your giant breasts have been wronged,

I can handle them-- it.

I got 'em comin' and goin'.

Uh-huh! [ Murmurs ]

I can't believe you'd go to so much trouble to get laid.

Yeah. I mean, sometimes I don't even have to shower.

Mama loves it musky. Mmm.

I gotta shut down all these systems before Nora gets back.

How am I gonna do all that in three days?

I'll help you.

Maybe you should write on your little chart there,

"Patient selflessly tried to help a friend in need."

First of all, this is a crossword puzzle.

Secondly, you were clearly planning on using those three days to steal Barney back.

Wha-- I am his friend.

How dare you!

God, you think you're so smart just because you went to Harvard...

and then... Princeton and then--

Wow, Harvard again.

Okay. Yes, fine. I was-- I was trying to steal him back.

This is good. You're finally opening up and talking about yourself,

not just what Marshall and Lily were up to.

Oh, yeah. So Marshall and Lily were folding laundry.

That one's my fault.

You know--

Never mind.

[ Sniffles ]

It's just--

Forget it.

Marshall, you're a grown-ass man.

If you want to say something, just say it.

I feel bad for Ted. And if my mom were here, she would've asked me what was wrong.

Wait. You feel bad for Ted?

It's tough feeling like the third wheel.

Okay, first of all, I'm sure Ted's fine.

[ Crying ] Who eats salt and pepper without cumin?

Second, Ted is way off base coming after Dr. Sonya.

We love her, right?

Don't tell me you're doubting Dr. Sonya?

- [ Imitates Russian Accent ] Just a little bit. - [ Gasps ]

What's that thing?

Well, for some women, it was the ashes of my parents.

For others, it was the trophy from Wimbledon.

And, believe it or not, for one busty dullard, it was both.

Game, enormous set, match.

** [ Cell Phone: Ringtone ]

Hello?

Oh, yeah. Thanks for calling me back.

Uh, Barney, it's Mitch from the Port Authority.

Port Authority Mitch.

You'd always call me whenever a wide-eyed farm girl...

would get off the bus with big dreams of Broadway...

and no idea what a "casting director"...

could legally ask her to do, hold or lick during an audition.

I'm sorry, old friend.

Your services are no longer needed.

[ Crying ] Oh, God, I can't believe I'm doing this over the phone.

My love to Marge and the kids.

Oh, I know. I know.

I didn't realize this would be so hard. I know. I know.

But, hey, you know what? We're almost through our checklist, okay?

Okay. [ Sighs ] Okay. Which reminds me,

why am I calling a hair salon and saying Jack Fantastic is quitting?

Sweetheart, it's like Maya Angelou keeps telling Oprah...

and I keep telling you--

When you know better, you do better.

Wow. You are so wise.

I wish you were straight so I could date you.

Well,

as a matter of fact,

I have an extremely attractive...

straight twin brother!

[ All Screaming ]

Oh, hi.

I cropped that Halloween photo.

It's just salt and pepper now, so it looks ridiculous.

- Ted, I want you back on Team Baby. - What?

I knew you'd come around. Guys, I didn't really crop the photo.

Plus, good news.

I signed us up for a birthing class.

Well, that's insane. It's way too early for that. Right, Marshall?

Okay, listen.

I am the father of this child, and I vote that we go to the birthing class.

Absolutely not.

Okay, Lily, I hate to play this card.

But if you don't come to this class,

I'm withholding sex.

- I don't think she's coming. - Yeah.

I was a little suspicious when she had us take separate cabs.

Lily, don't do it.

Just a little bit.

Think about our baby.

You gotta be kidding me, Robin. Get to the assault.

Ugh. Okay, fine.

So, Barney and I were finishing packing his apartment.

Okay. One last item on the checklist.

"Disconnect the Cold Call 5000."

- [ Chuckles ] - What the hell is that?

I was able to secure the customer database...

from a company that sells body glitter and high-end pasties.

The Cold Call 5000 will dial every female client...

between the ages of 22 and 23 and leave the following message.

[ Beeps ] [ Barney ] Hi. I know this is crazy,

but I saw you on the subway, and I knew we were meant to be.

If you believe in destiny,

come to MacLaren's tonight and find me, Barney Stinson,

because I have this feeling that I'm supposed to be on you-- with you.

Why not rerecord it?

I did like a hundred takes. It kept happening.

I can't believe Lily's not coming.

You know what? Screw it.

Who says that two bros can't rock a birthing class?

- Rock it. - [ Scoffs ]

Today, we'll be exploring the sensual massage.

Let's start by gently cupping our partner's hands--

No, it's palms.

And just breathe each other in.

[ Inhaling ]

Thanks, Robin.

You're the only person I know who would help me do all that.

- Hmm. - You're a real bro.

Am I though? 'Cause I'm really more of a woman.

To my femininity.

Nah, you're more of a bro.

You're a dude. You're a man.

Hey, you are flying solo one more night.

How about I put on a smokin'-hot dress,

you slap a vest over that crime scene of a tie,

and we paint the town?

When was the last time we got rip-roaring drunk...

in clothing that highlights our genders?

So your plan was to be out on the town, dressed provocatively,

drinking with another woman's man.

Robin, this is our first session,

and I know that this is just one clinical opinion, but...

you a dog.

Yeah.

There was just one problem.

Surprise. I got back early.

[ Gasps ] Hey-Hey.

[ Both Murmuring ]

Mmm!

Let me guess. You got drunk under your desk again?

No, Mr. Harvard.

I handled things a little differently.

[ Sobbing ]

So, I suppose now you want me to talk about how it felt...

watching Barney and Nora walk off together, right?

I'd rather just skip ahead to the assault.

My next patient thinks he's God.

On the off chance that he's right, I really don't want to keep him waiting.

Well, right after they left, something crazy happened.

Excuse me.

Do you know where I can find Barney Stinson?

He saw me on the subway and left me a message to meet him here.

Why not rerecord it? I did like a hundred takes. It kept happening.

[ Sighs ]

[ Dialing ] [ Line Ringing ]

[ Barney ] Hi. I know this is crazy, but I saw you on the subway--

He asked me if I believe in destiny,

and I do.

We are so meant to be.

Where can I find him?

So I was faced with a moral dilemma.

Unleash this nutbag on them...

or be a bigger person and help my friend.

Barney's at Café L'Amour, 75th and Amsterdam.

- Awesome. - [ Chuckles ] No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, this isn't right.

[ Sighs ] Let's pop that top button, show off the gals.

Ooh, good luck. Go get 'em. Uh-huh.

Let your love come through your fingers.

[ Moaning ]

Dude, the rule is no moaning and keep your eyes open at all times.

Stop being weird.

Hey, when do I get to be the woman?

Now remember, the most important thing in pregnancy...

is to keep mom calm and happy.

She knows best what she needs. Trust her.

Now, papas, I want you to take mom's hands in yours,

look deep into her eyes...

and repeat after me,

"I believe in you."

I believe in you.

"I honor your body's wisdom."

I honor your body's wisdom.

"Your womb is a temple."

- Your womb is a-- - Okay, I get it.

I feel terrible we didn't listen to what Lily wanted.

I know. So do I.

The truth is, I thought I'd be married by now...

and going through all this stuff alongside you guys.

But even if I meet the girl of my dreams right this second,

I'm still one night and nine months away from having a family of my own.

And that's assuming the mother of my children is just a huge slut.

Don't lose hope, Ted.

That slut is out there.

Thanks, buddy.

- We owe Lily an apology. - Yeah.

Dads, this is the time that I'll answer every question you've ever had about vaginas.

Damn it!

Hey.

I'm so sorry, Lily.

You have "just a little bit."

Mmm.

Look, I realize now that it's my job...

for the next seven months to keep you happy.

And that's why...

I'm no longer withholding sex.

My hero.

But I wanna make sure that you feel comfortable with Dr. Sonya too.

I do. And you know what? The fact that she's so calm and laid back,

maybe that's not a bad thing.

Maybe that's exactly what we're gonna want in that delivery room.

Lily. If you don't push,

I will shove this baby up your throat...

and pull it out of your mouth!

[ Screams ]

Where the hell is Marshall?

[ Ted Narrating ] That's a crazy story, kids. I'll get to that.

Hey, Ted's out in the hall.

He wants to apologize too.

Hey, what happened to your sock?

Long story.

Bottom line, I realized that sometimes love means taking a step back.

Well-- [ Chuckles ] not always.

I mean, sometimes it's better to interfere and sabotage stuff, right?

Well, I think if you care about somebody,

you should want them to be happy.

Even if you wind up being left out.

Wow.

The lesson you learned with Lily and Marshall...

is directly applicable to my situation...

and is therefore a valid part of how I'll eventually tell this story.

Really? That's how that went down?

Point is, it all tied together, right?

Not really at all.

Can we just get to the assault?

To us.

[ Muffled ] Barney! Barney!

Mmm, scallops look good.

Oh, they are. But the last time I was here, they ran out.

So, uh, knock... on... wood. Right?

Well, I have my eye on the red velvet cake for dessert.

Oh, that sounds lovely. Splitsies?

No. I want it all to myself.

Really? Arm wrestle for it?

No.

Fine. I love this place.

Oh, thank you, babe. You're welcome, babe.

Barney doesn't know a thing about any of this.

But that's why I got court-mandated therapy.

[ Chuckles ] You must think I'm nuts.

I think you're a really good friend.

- Really? - Really.

As far as I'm concerned, there was no criminal intent to this assault.

Well, thanks, Doc.

Wow, look at us.

We got this wrapped up in one session. Go us, right?

Now let's discuss how you keyed the judge's car.

Okay. Um, here's how it happened.

Uh, Marshall and Lily were supposed to go to the zoo.

And-- Okay, it all ties together, I swear. Now--