All language subtitles for How I Met Your Mother (2005) - S07E04 - The Stinson Missile Crisis (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 Silence)-eng
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1
00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:04,872
I can't believe
I'm talking to a therapist.
2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:10,010
Well, usually,
I'm not the touchy-feely,
"talk about your emotions" type.
3
00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:12,380
But with this,
4
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:16,784
I just had to be
a big enough person
to admit that I need help.
5
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:20,321
Huh. I guess this is
what growing up feels like.
6
00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:23,124
This is court-mandated
therapy.
7
00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:25,193
You assaulted a woman.
8
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:26,927
Oh--
[ Chuckling ]
9
00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:28,496
That silly thing.
10
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,799
I guess we can
talk about that.
11
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,501
It all began
a few months ago.
12
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:37,037
There's this guy-- Barney.
We used to date.
13
00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:40,474
I set him up with this girl
I work with-- Nora.
14
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:44,778
Barney was working hard to prove
he was real boyfriend material.
15
00:00:44,845 --> 00:00:49,517
So all week,
I had to sit there
watching him...
16
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,219
send flowers,
17
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:53,254
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
18
00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:57,258
chocolates,
19
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,230
balloons.
20
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,067
Then one day--
21
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,171
Hey.
22
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:13,574
Oh, I heard Barney
didn't send anything today.
23
00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:16,177
Patrice said maybe
he met somebody else.
24
00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:18,779
She's such a bitch,
right?
25
00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:23,284
* When a man loves a woman *
26
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:27,755
* Can't keep his mind
on nothin' else *
27
00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:29,757
He's so dreamy.
28
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:32,560
Nobody asked you,
Patrice!
29
00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:36,297
I'm sorry. You must
already think that
I am a horrible person.
30
00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:38,766
Robin, many of my patients
are disturbed felons.
31
00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:41,769
Last week,
one of them mailed me
a bag of his feces.
32
00:01:41,835 --> 00:01:43,871
On the plus side,
he remembered my birthday.
33
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,539
- [ Chuckles ]
- You're doing fine.
34
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:50,211
Well, finally, I-I just
couldn't take it anymore.
I snapped.
35
00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:52,513
* When a man
When a man *
36
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:58,486
* When this man
loves a woman **
37
00:01:58,552 --> 00:01:59,487
[ Gasps ]
38
00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:03,457
[ All ]
Aw!
39
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:08,529
- And that's when
the assault occurred?
- Not exactly.
40
00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:11,265
[ Sobbing ]
41
00:02:12,032 --> 00:02:14,502
** [ Upbeat Pop ]
42
00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:17,805
** [ Man Vocalizing ]
43
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,845
** [ Ends ]
44
00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:28,749
So you're drunk, under a desk,
binge-eating stolen chocolates.
45
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:31,252
Boy, I am not coming across
great here, am I?
46
00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:33,787
This is not about how
you're coming across.
47
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,523
- But no.
- [ Sighs ]
48
00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:37,325
Okay. Well, for this story
to make sense,
49
00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:39,393
I have to tell you about
my friends Marshall and Lily.
50
00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:41,595
That wine looks good.
51
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,932
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
52
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:46,567
Pregnant women
can't drink alcohol.
53
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:48,336
No, my doctor says it's okay...
54
00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:50,204
to have a sip of wine
every now and then.
55
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:52,806
- Really?
- Dr. Sonya's great.
56
00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:55,543
Whenever you ask her if you can
have something, she's, like--
57
00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:58,379
[ Russian Accent ]
Just a little bit.
58
00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:00,914
Wait. Dr. Sonya doesn't let you
have sushi, does she?
59
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,050
Just a little bit.
60
00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:05,553
You're allowed
to have Cheetos?
61
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,288
Cheetos?
62
00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:10,591
Ah, just a little bit.
63
00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:13,561
You mind if I double-check
some of this stuff
just in case?
64
00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:17,365
I mean, it's the least
I could do as part of Team Baby.
65
00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:19,132
"Team Baby"?
Whoa, what's next?
66
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,402
Like cheesy
matching T-shirts?
67
00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:24,272
No.
68
00:03:26,474 --> 00:03:29,510
Robin, I've had serial killers
lead me to shallow graves...
69
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:31,078
faster than
you're telling this story.
70
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:32,880
Okay.
[ Sighs ]
71
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:35,483
Look, it was getting impossible
for me to be around Nora.
72
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:39,152
So when an opportunity to get
rid of her presented itself--
73
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:42,623
It's Sandy time!
Huddle up, gang.
74
00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:44,792
Two things. One, somebody
stole...
75
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:47,027
a very expensive bottle of wine
from my office.
76
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,762
[ Clears Throat ]
77
00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:54,335
Two, I need a producer to cover
the G8 summit in France.
78
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,404
Oh, Nora will do it!
79
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:58,105
I mean, I know
I have seniority, but--
80
00:03:58,171 --> 00:04:00,040
I was gonna ask Nora anyway.
81
00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:03,511
Thanks for the support, Robin.
This is huge for me!
82
00:04:05,012 --> 00:04:07,448
Well-- [ Clearing Throat ]
A-Are you sure
about this, Sandy?
83
00:04:07,515 --> 00:04:09,149
I do have seniority.
84
00:04:09,216 --> 00:04:12,853
Oh, I'm sure.
Nora's amazing.
85
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,856
I want to have sex with her.
86
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:20,060
To deal with
that rejection from Barney,
not to mention your boss,
87
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:22,330
must really hurt.
88
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:24,264
Why don't we dig
into those emotions?
89
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,937
So Marshall and Lily
were at Dr. Sonya's office.
90
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:34,975
It's fascinating
how profoundly little...
91
00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:36,944
I know about vaginas.
92
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:39,012
[ Knocking On Door ]
[ Dr. Sonya ]
Come in.
93
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,715
Ted, what are you
doing here?
94
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:45,386
I checked up on all the stuff
this "doctor" says is okay.
95
00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:46,954
And she's wrong.
96
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:51,124
So, for the health of this baby,
I'm stepping in.
97
00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:53,394
Sounds like this Ted guy
could benefit from some therapy.
98
00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:55,329
Oh, he definitely could.
99
00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:58,499
This is unacceptable.
I'm sorry. We're gonna
have to find a new doctor.
100
00:04:58,566 --> 00:05:01,034
- Guys, for the health
of our baby--
- Our?
101
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:04,104
we have to get serious
about what Lily
is putting in her body.
102
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:07,475
Speaking of which,
when we deliver,
we won't be using any drugs.
103
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:08,909
[ Demonic Voice ]
Get out!
104
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,778
Why are you kicking me out?
105
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:13,847
Because you're always intruding
on our intimate moments.
106
00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:16,584
This is like college
all over again.
107
00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:20,954
[ Sighs ]
Man, you guys
sure are messy.
108
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:24,725
There's clothes everywhere.
There's even a sock
on the door.
109
00:05:24,792 --> 00:05:29,296
A sock on the door
is a universal code for
"We need some space."
110
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:31,599
We needed it back then,
and we need it now.
111
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,501
Come on. We're a trio.
112
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:35,102
We've always been a trio.
113
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,304
We're right up there
with Batman and Robin
and Alfred.
114
00:05:37,371 --> 00:05:39,573
Out.
115
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,742
Romeo and Juliet
and the Apothecary.
Now.
116
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:44,344
Salt and pepper
and cumin.
117
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:46,980
What's that little guy
up there do?
118
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:48,949
Oh, you poor girl.
119
00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:53,186
- Robin.
- It all ties together, I swear.
120
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:55,523
So, Nora was about
to leave for France.
121
00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:57,958
You know, not too long ago,
I would have been worried...
122
00:05:58,025 --> 00:06:01,862
that, if I left you alone,
you'd be up to no good
with some blonde bimbo.
123
00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:03,664
Oh, I've changed.
124
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:07,801
I know. Which is why when I get
back, it's gonna be the start
of a new chapter for us.
125
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,471
A chapter of you, me and--
hopefully not that tie.
126
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:13,106
[ Chuckles ]
Ah, you got me.
Have a nice trip.
127
00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:17,911
Dr. Stinson.
I saw your ad,
128
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,280
and I'm here for my free
breast reduction
consultation.
129
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:22,382
Huh.
What do you think?
130
00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:24,418
Are they too big?
131
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,761
I can't believe you're still
running plays on dumb blondes.
132
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,696
I thought you were
serious about Nora.
133
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:37,364
No, I've been good,
I swear.
134
00:06:37,431 --> 00:06:39,900
I just forgot about
my B.D.S.'s.
135
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:41,535
B.D.S.'s?
136
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:44,104
Bimbo Delivery Systems.
137
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:47,775
You see, over the years,
I've launched a variety
of elaborate systems...
138
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:50,143
that are always working
to get me laid.
139
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:51,879
Like my pop-up ads.
140
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:56,049
Oh, hi.
I'm Dr. Barney Stinson.
141
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:58,986
Are your really large breasts
making everyday tasks difficult?
142
00:06:59,052 --> 00:07:00,488
[ Gasps ]
[ Vase Shatters ]
143
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:03,256
There's just gotta be
a better way.
144
00:07:03,323 --> 00:07:04,858
There is.
145
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:08,829
I, Dr. Barney Stinson,
for a limited time only,
146
00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:11,765
can give you a free
breast reduction consultation.
147
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:12,733
Call me.
148
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,668
If your knockers are just
too damn big,
149
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:17,838
I can handle them-- it.
150
00:07:17,905 --> 00:07:19,907
Women actually
fell for that?
151
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,809
Yeah. That business
really took off.
152
00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:23,511
It played in
all kinds of markets.
153
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:31,852
Okay, Survivors,
today's reward challenge...
154
00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:33,987
is brought to you by
Dr. Barney Stinson's...
155
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:36,757
free breast reduction
consultations.
156
00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:42,129
That scam was so successful,
it spawned a related enterprise.
157
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:44,832
If you've been fooled
by a well-endowed man...
158
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:49,002
who claimed to be a doctor
offering free breast
reduction consultations,
159
00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:53,273
come see me, Arnie Linson,
Attorney at Law,
160
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:55,743
and join my class action suit.
161
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,411
If your giant breasts
have been wronged,
162
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:02,182
I can handle them-- it.
163
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:04,585
I got 'em comin' and goin'.
164
00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:07,688
Uh-huh!
[ Murmurs ]
165
00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:10,057
I can't believe you'd go to
so much trouble to get laid.
166
00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:12,225
Yeah. I mean, sometimes
I don't even have to shower.
167
00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:14,361
Mama loves it musky.
Mmm.
168
00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:17,631
I gotta shut down all these
systems before Nora gets back.
169
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,933
How am I gonna do all that
in three days?
170
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,268
I'll help you.
171
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:24,371
Maybe you should write
on your little chart there,
172
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:27,875
"Patient selflessly tried
to help a friend in need."
173
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:30,811
First of all,
this is a crossword puzzle.
174
00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:34,648
Secondly, you were clearly
planning on using those
three days to steal Barney back.
175
00:08:34,715 --> 00:08:36,617
Wha-- I am his friend.
176
00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:38,351
How dare you!
177
00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:42,389
God, you think you're so smart
just because you went
to Harvard...
178
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:45,192
and then... Princeton
and then--
179
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:46,760
Wow, Harvard again.
180
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:50,497
Okay. Yes, fine.
I was-- I was trying
to steal him back.
181
00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:53,266
This is good.
You're finally opening up
and talking about yourself,
182
00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:55,168
not just what
Marshall and Lily
were up to.
183
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,204
Oh, yeah.
So Marshall and Lily
were folding laundry.
184
00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:59,072
That one's my fault.
185
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:02,409
You know--
186
00:09:02,475 --> 00:09:04,311
Never mind.
187
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,946
[ Sniffles ]
188
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:07,881
It's just--
189
00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:09,282
Forget it.
190
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,819
Marshall,
you're a grown-ass man.
191
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,654
If you want
to say something,
just say it.
192
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:17,257
I feel bad for Ted. And if
my mom were here, she would've
asked me what was wrong.
193
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:19,660
Wait. You feel bad for Ted?
194
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:21,895
It's tough feeling
like the third wheel.
195
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:24,832
Okay, first of all,
I'm sure Ted's fine.
196
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:28,836
[ Crying ]
Who eats salt and pepper
without cumin?
197
00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:34,107
Second, Ted is way off base
coming after Dr. Sonya.
198
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,043
We love her, right?
199
00:09:39,546 --> 00:09:42,983
Don't tell me
you're doubting Dr. Sonya?
200
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:44,918
- [ Imitates Russian Accent ]
Just a little bit.
- [ Gasps ]
201
00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:47,320
What's that thing?
202
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:49,757
Well, for some women,
it was the ashes of my parents.
203
00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:52,292
For others,
it was the trophy
from Wimbledon.
204
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:56,463
And, believe it or not,
for one busty dullard,
it was both.
205
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:58,866
Game, enormous set, match.
206
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,268
** [ Cell Phone: Ringtone ]
207
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:03,603
Hello?
208
00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:05,138
Oh, yeah.
Thanks for calling me back.
209
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:08,008
Uh, Barney,
it's Mitch from
the Port Authority.
210
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,848
Port Authority Mitch.
211
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:17,818
You'd always call me whenever
a wide-eyed farm girl...
212
00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:20,821
would get off the bus
with big dreams of Broadway...
213
00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:22,690
and no idea what
a "casting director"...
214
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:26,526
could legally ask her
to do, hold or lick
during an audition.
215
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:28,729
I'm sorry, old friend.
216
00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:31,231
Your services
are no longer needed.
217
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:35,769
[ Crying ]
Oh, God, I can't believe
I'm doing this over the phone.
218
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,839
My love to Marge
and the kids.
219
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:42,142
Oh, I know.
I know.
220
00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:45,178
I didn't realize
this would be so hard.
I know. I know.
221
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:47,314
But, hey, you know what?
We're almost through
our checklist, okay?
222
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,516
Okay.
[ Sighs ]
Okay. Which reminds me,
223
00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:53,954
why am I calling a hair salon
and saying Jack Fantastic
is quitting?
224
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:57,657
Sweetheart,
it's like Maya Angelou
keeps telling Oprah...
225
00:10:57,725 --> 00:10:59,226
and I keep telling you--
226
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:03,163
When you know better,
you do better.
227
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:05,866
Wow. You are so wise.
228
00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:09,002
I wish you were straight
so I could date you.
229
00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:12,172
Well,
230
00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:13,907
as a matter of fact,
231
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:17,444
I have an extremely
attractive...
232
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:20,881
straight twin brother!
233
00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:23,283
[ All Screaming ]
234
00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:26,419
Oh, hi.
235
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,288
I cropped that Halloween photo.
236
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:32,192
It's just salt and pepper now,
so it looks ridiculous.
237
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:34,494
- Ted, I want you back
on Team Baby.
- What?
238
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:39,232
I knew you'd come around.
Guys, I didn't really
crop the photo.
239
00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:41,234
Plus, good news.
240
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:43,436
I signed us up
for a birthing class.
241
00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:47,507
Well, that's insane.
It's way too early for that.
Right, Marshall?
242
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:49,276
Okay, listen.
243
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:52,780
I am the father of this child,
and I vote that we go
to the birthing class.
244
00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:54,882
Absolutely not.
245
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:58,518
Okay, Lily,
I hate to play this card.
246
00:11:58,585 --> 00:12:01,388
But if you don't
come to this class,
247
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:02,890
I'm withholding sex.
248
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:05,692
- I don't think she's coming.
- Yeah.
249
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:08,361
I was a little suspicious
when she had us
take separate cabs.
250
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:12,632
Lily, don't do it.
251
00:12:12,699 --> 00:12:14,501
Just a little bit.
252
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,837
Think about our baby.
253
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:20,707
You gotta be kidding me, Robin.
Get to the assault.
254
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,509
Ugh. Okay, fine.
255
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,312
So, Barney and I were finishing
packing his apartment.
256
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:29,016
Okay. One last item
on the checklist.
257
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,118
"Disconnect
the Cold Call 5000."
258
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,020
- [ Chuckles ]
- What the hell is that?
259
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,687
I was able to secure
the customer database...
260
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,557
from a company
that sells body glitter
and high-end pasties.
261
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:41,661
The Cold Call 5000 will
dial every female client...
262
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:46,133
between the ages of 22 and 23
and leave the following message.
263
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:48,035
[ Beeps ]
[ Barney ]
Hi. I know this is crazy,
264
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,871
but I saw you on the subway,
and I knew we were meant to be.
265
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:53,006
If you believe in destiny,
266
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:55,775
come to MacLaren's tonight
and find me, Barney Stinson,
267
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:59,779
because I have this feeling
that I'm supposed to be
on you-- with you.
268
00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:01,481
Why not rerecord it?
269
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:04,151
I did like a hundred takes.
It kept happening.
270
00:13:06,686 --> 00:13:08,421
I can't believe
Lily's not coming.
271
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:09,990
You know what?
Screw it.
272
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:12,692
Who says that two bros
can't rock a birthing class?
273
00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:15,428
- Rock it.
- [ Scoffs ]
274
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:19,933
Today, we'll be exploring
the sensual massage.
275
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:23,036
Let's start by gently cupping
our partner's hands--
276
00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:28,308
No, it's palms.
277
00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:31,411
And just breathe
each other in.
278
00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:36,884
[ Inhaling ]
279
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:39,752
Thanks, Robin.
280
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,455
You're the only person I know
who would help me do all that.
281
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,291
- Hmm.
- You're a real bro.
282
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:48,862
Am I though?
'Cause I'm really
more of a woman.
283
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,763
To my femininity.
284
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:53,033
Nah, you're more
of a bro.
285
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:55,903
You're a dude.
You're a man.
286
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:02,275
Hey, you are flying solo
one more night.
287
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:05,045
How about I put on
a smokin'-hot dress,
288
00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:08,381
you slap a vest over
that crime scene of a tie,
289
00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:09,950
and we paint the town?
290
00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:11,952
When was the last time
we got rip-roaring drunk...
291
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:14,854
in clothing
that highlights our genders?
292
00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:19,159
So your plan was
to be out on the town,
dressed provocatively,
293
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:21,261
drinking with
another woman's man.
294
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:24,197
Robin, this is
our first session,
295
00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:27,434
and I know that this is just
one clinical opinion, but...
296
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,302
you a dog.
297
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,803
Yeah.
298
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,605
There was
just one problem.
299
00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:34,975
Surprise.
I got back early.
300
00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:37,777
[ Gasps ]
Hey-Hey.
301
00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:39,646
[ Both Murmuring ]
302
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,314
Mmm!
303
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,616
Let me guess.
You got drunk
under your desk again?
304
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:46,286
No, Mr. Harvard.
305
00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:48,355
I handled things
a little differently.
306
00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:50,457
[ Sobbing ]
307
00:14:56,729 --> 00:15:00,133
So, I suppose now
you want me to talk
about how it felt...
308
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,835
watching Barney and Nora
walk off together, right?
309
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:05,205
I'd rather just skip ahead
to the assault.
310
00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:07,007
My next patient
thinks he's God.
311
00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:10,377
On the off chance
that he's right, I really
don't want to keep him waiting.
312
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:13,146
Well, right after they left,
something crazy happened.
313
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,448
Excuse me.
314
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:19,486
Do you know where
I can find Barney Stinson?
315
00:15:19,552 --> 00:15:23,023
He saw me on the subway
and left me a message
to meet him here.
316
00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:27,294
Why not rerecord it?
I did like a hundred takes.
It kept happening.
317
00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:31,231
[ Sighs ]
318
00:15:32,199 --> 00:15:34,534
[ Dialing ]
[ Line Ringing ]
319
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:37,237
[ Barney ]
Hi. I know this is crazy,
but I saw you on the subway--
320
00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:39,906
He asked me
if I believe in destiny,
321
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:41,941
and I do.
322
00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:44,044
We are so meant to be.
323
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:46,079
Where can I find him?
324
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:49,016
So I was faced
with a moral dilemma.
325
00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:51,218
Unleash this nutbag on them...
326
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:54,988
or be a bigger person
and help my friend.
327
00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:57,357
Barney's at Café L'Amour,
75th and Amsterdam.
328
00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:59,792
- Awesome.
- [ Chuckles ]
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
329
00:15:59,859 --> 00:16:01,761
Okay, this isn't right.
330
00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:05,298
[ Sighs ]
Let's pop that top button,
show off the gals.
331
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:07,567
Ooh, good luck.
Go get 'em.
Uh-huh.
332
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:12,572
Let your love
come through your fingers.
333
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,407
[ Moaning ]
334
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:17,677
Dude, the rule is no moaning
and keep your eyes open
at all times.
335
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,812
Stop being weird.
336
00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:21,881
Hey, when do I get
to be the woman?
337
00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:25,452
Now remember,
the most important
thing in pregnancy...
338
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:28,188
is to keep mom
calm and happy.
339
00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:31,258
She knows best what she needs.
Trust her.
340
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:36,563
Now, papas,
I want you to take
mom's hands in yours,
341
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:39,499
look deep into her eyes...
342
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:41,568
and repeat after me,
343
00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:43,636
"I believe in you."
344
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:45,738
I believe in you.
345
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:48,341
"I honor your body's wisdom."
346
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,812
I honor your body's wisdom.
347
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,981
"Your womb is a temple."
348
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:58,218
- Your womb is a--
- Okay, I get it.
349
00:16:58,285 --> 00:17:00,887
I feel terrible
we didn't listen
to what Lily wanted.
350
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,355
I know. So do I.
351
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:04,924
The truth is,
I thought I'd be
married by now...
352
00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:07,794
and going through
all this stuff
alongside you guys.
353
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,797
But even if I meet
the girl of my dreams
right this second,
354
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:15,034
I'm still one night
and nine months away from
having a family of my own.
355
00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:18,505
And that's assuming
the mother of my children
is just a huge slut.
356
00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:21,074
Don't lose hope, Ted.
357
00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:23,076
That slut is out there.
358
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:25,278
Thanks, buddy.
359
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,814
- We owe Lily an apology.
- Yeah.
360
00:17:30,317 --> 00:17:35,688
Dads, this is the time
that I'll answer every question
you've ever had about vaginas.
361
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:37,524
Damn it!
362
00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:43,896
Hey.
363
00:17:43,963 --> 00:17:46,366
I'm so sorry, Lily.
364
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:48,801
You have
"just a little bit."
365
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,407
Mmm.
366
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:57,144
Look, I realize now
that it's my job...
367
00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:58,978
for the next seven months
to keep you happy.
368
00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:00,547
And that's why...
369
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:05,385
I'm no longer
withholding sex.
370
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:07,187
My hero.
371
00:18:07,254 --> 00:18:10,823
But I wanna make sure
that you feel comfortable
with Dr. Sonya too.
372
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:14,327
I do. And you know what?
The fact that she's
so calm and laid back,
373
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:15,928
maybe that's not
a bad thing.
374
00:18:15,995 --> 00:18:18,465
Maybe that's exactly
what we're gonna want
in that delivery room.
375
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:20,367
Lily.
If you don't push,
376
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,969
I will shove this baby
up your throat...
377
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,704
and pull it
out of your mouth!
378
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:27,140
[ Screams ]
379
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:29,176
Where the hell is Marshall?
380
00:18:29,242 --> 00:18:32,412
[ Ted Narrating ]
That's a crazy story, kids.
I'll get to that.
381
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:35,415
Hey, Ted's
out in the hall.
382
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:37,484
He wants
to apologize too.
383
00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:47,194
Hey, what happened
to your sock?
384
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,861
Long story.
385
00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:54,234
Bottom line,
I realized that sometimes love
means taking a step back.
386
00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:56,803
Well--
[ Chuckles ]
not always.
387
00:18:56,869 --> 00:19:01,208
I mean, sometimes
it's better to interfere
and sabotage stuff, right?
388
00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:03,510
Well, I think if you
care about somebody,
389
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:05,178
you should want them
to be happy.
390
00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:07,447
Even if you wind up
being left out.
391
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:09,416
Wow.
392
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,751
The lesson you learned
with Lily and Marshall...
393
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:14,287
is directly applicable
to my situation...
394
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:19,058
and is therefore a valid part
of how I'll eventually
tell this story.
395
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:21,127
Really? That's how
that went down?
396
00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:24,864
Point is, it all
tied together, right?
397
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,599
Not really at all.
398
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,868
Can we just
get to the assault?
399
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:30,470
To us.
400
00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:33,240
[ Muffled ]
Barney! Barney!
401
00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:35,908
Mmm, scallops look good.
402
00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:38,578
Oh, they are.
But the last time
I was here, they ran out.
403
00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:43,783
So, uh, knock...
on... wood.
Right?
404
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,686
Well, I have my eye
on the red velvet cake
for dessert.
405
00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:49,256
Oh, that sounds lovely.
Splitsies?
406
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:51,958
No. I want it all
to myself.
407
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,461
Really?
Arm wrestle for it?
408
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,195
No.
409
00:19:56,263 --> 00:19:58,565
Fine.
I love this place.
410
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:02,335
Oh, thank you, babe.
You're welcome, babe.
411
00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:05,171
Barney doesn't know
a thing about any of this.
412
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:09,175
But that's why I got
court-mandated therapy.
413
00:20:09,242 --> 00:20:11,678
[ Chuckles ]
You must think I'm nuts.
414
00:20:11,744 --> 00:20:14,814
I think you're
a really good friend.
415
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:17,984
- Really?
- Really.
416
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:21,488
As far as I'm concerned,
there was no criminal intent
to this assault.
417
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,456
Well, thanks, Doc.
418
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,826
Wow, look at us.
419
00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:30,029
We got this wrapped up
in one session.
Go us, right?
420
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:32,632
Now let's discuss
how you keyed
the judge's car.
421
00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:35,568
Okay. Um, here's
how it happened.
422
00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:37,837
Uh, Marshall and Lily were
supposed to go to the zoo.
423
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:40,840
And-- Okay, it all
ties together,
I swear. Now--
30632
