Original subtitles

[ Ted Narrating ] Kids, in the spring of 2011, Zoey and I broke up.

But the good news-- Goliath National Bank was finally ready...

to demolish the Arcadian and build the new headquarters I had designed for them.

Ho!

The only problem was I kept butting heads... [ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

with my project supervisor on one very important issue.

I want to press the button to blow up the Arcadian!

I want to press it! I want to press it!

I want to press it! Guys, I dated you both,

and neither of you is good at pressing...

or even finding "the button."

After some awkward pawing around, that building's gonna fake an implosion,

say, "Baby, that was great," and go to sleep.

She means you. She means you.

I want to press it. I want to press it.

I am gonna press the button! [ Shouting, Indistinct ]

It's just a button, okay?

Can we just talk about something else, please? [ Sighs ]

Well, I ran into Zoey yesterday.

Ooh. Ooh.

That's the first time since the breakup. How's she doing?

I'm still unemployed, so I had to get a couple roommates.

Saving money. [ Chuckles ]

Making new friends. No downside.

They're all 22 and sell drugs.

Which means they're not taking them, so that's a win.

Well, I can tell you're really busy, so I should-- I'll let you go.

Hey.

You want to get coffee sometime?

You know "coffee" is code for "I want to get back together," right?

Well, at first I wasn't sure, but then she said something that got me thinking.

I want to get back together.

- [ Both Groan ] - Don't worry.

We're not. I just-- I feel bad Zoey's having such a hard time.

You know what might make you feel better, buddy?

I'm not letting you press the button. I want to press the button!

You're not pressing the button! It's my button! I'm gonna press--

[ Ted Narrating ] Sadly, that's all you need to know about my summer.

Now around this time, Uncle Marshall was still having a tough time finding a job.

He's out printing up a whole new batch of résumés...

because he misspelled the phrase "detail oriented."

Mm. And when he gets back home,

he is gonna find his favorite soup there waiting for him.

Aw. That's sweet, Lil, but didn't you guys get food poisoning here one time?

Three times. But they're really nice about it.

Their policy is "get sick, get a free gallon of soup."

[ Sneezes, Clears Throat ]

And so Lily dropped off Marshall's surprise soup and headed back to work...

to introduce the new class pet.

This is Mr. Buttons II.

Now, after what happened to Mr. Buttons I,

we have to be very gentle with--

[ Vomits ]

[ Groaning ]

Marshall!

[ All ] Ew!

[ Panting ]

- [ Tires Screech ] - [ Horn Honks ]

Sorry.

[ Vomits ]

[ Groans, Panting ]

Don't eat the soup!

Oh. Thank God. [ Panting ]

This was about to be my third bowl.

Why shouldn't I eat the soup?

[ Retches, Vomits ]

[ Groans ]

Why shouldn't I eat the soup?

** [ Upbeat Pop ]

** [ Man Vocalizing ]

** [ Ends ]

Hey, Mr. Architect! Big day for you tomorrow, huh?

Yeah. Getting to stand next to me while I press the button.

That is gonna be legen-- wait for it--

dary adjacent.

Legendary adjacent!

You okay?

Yeah. No.

I-- This morning I was talking to the foreman.

Hey, hotshot.

You know, Rod, um, I'm loving that nickname.

And I can tell it's totally affectionate.

But, uh, I prefer Ted.

Yeah, but you're such a hotshot,

I figured I'd just call you "hotshot."

Pick one. And make sure you like it.

There's gonna be 50,000 of these in your big hotshot building, hotshot.

50,000 lightbulbs.

I mean, what if this one's too bright?

What if this one flickers...

and gives everyone a weird headache?

Do you know how many people it takes...

to change 50,000 lightbulbs?

Are these people Irish, Polish, blondes?

What are we dealing with here?

There's so many decisions to be made.

What if I make all the wrong ones...

and my building just sucks?

Not possible.

Your building is new.

And I have one rule--

new is always better.

You can't keep saying you have one rule if they're always different rules.

Ah! But "new is always better"...

is my oldest rule,

which makes it the best.

- Marsh. - Hey, buddy.

- Hey. - Everything okay?

Lily got food poisoning from some soup.

[ Groans ]

And then I ate the soup...

exactly three hours later,

which means I can see...

exactly three hours into my future.

And it doesn't... look... good.

[ Marshall ] I tried to be supportive.

Oh, baby, can you just hold me, please?

Of course, baby.

[ Groans Softly ]

But it doesn't help that when Lily gets going...

she sounds like a velociraptor from Jurassic Park.

[ Loud Roaring, Vomiting ]

But then I realized a man can do a lot of living in three hours.

So I'm out experiencing this beautiful, crazy dance called life.

Ah. My last meal.

MacLaren's famous jalapeño poppers.

My doctor says I need to eat healthier, so I figure the round-trip flight...

these babies are about to take will land them permanently on the no-fry list.

Good-bye, my friend.

It's been a hell of a ride.

I have to-- [ Whimpers ]

Hey, babe.

The gang says, "Feel better."

Mm, thanks. Wait.

You didn't tell them I had food poisoning, did you?

Um, I--

Marshall, when it's stomach stuff, you just say "under the weather,"

or people start picturing you doing unspeakable things.

I know! I just said that you have the sniffles.

No one is picturing anything but little red-nosed you...

under a blanky with some hot tea.

I wonder what end it's coming out of Lily right now.

[ Laughing ] I bet it's her tushie.

I bet it's both. [ Laughs ]

[ Imitates Explosions ]

[ Imitates Retching ]

[ Laughs ] Hey, speaking of explosions, enough already, Ted!

That button's mine!

Yeah, fine, okay.

I got you this job, so I-- Say what?

Whatever. It's yours. I got to run.

You--

[ Cell Phone Rings ]

Hello?

Yes, it is.

It's Bloom, Greenberg & Associates. They want me to come interview.

[ Loud Roar, Vomiting ]

Yes, I know it's risky to go,

but this is the best environmental law firm in New York.

It's my dream job.

[ Roaring, Bellowing ]

That's a great idea, babe. I'll ask them.

Hey, is it at all possible-- Could I come in on Monday?

Okay, I'll see you at 5:00. Thank you.

[ Roaring, Bellowing ]

I love and believe in you too, baby.

Why would Ted just give up the button like that?

He-- [ Cell Phone Chimes ]

And he forgot his phone. [ Scoffs ]

- "See you in an hour." - Who's that from?

Zoey. They're meeting for coffee.

Ted's getting back together with her.

Why would Ted get back together with Zoey? He's doing great.

Well, after a breakup, we all think we're doing great.

But sometimes the tiniest trigger can unravel you...

and send you crawling right back.

No. I refuse to believe that Ted...

is getting back together with Zoey because of lightbulbs.

Uh, Ted's gone back for less.

[ Air Hissing ]

Hi. Natalie, you want to get coffee sometime?

[ Bell Dings ]

Bro?

Ted, I only have one rule.

[ Sobbing ] But I can't reach the worst part.

Hi, Karen. Want to get coffee sometime?

[ Bell Dings ]

[ Man On TV ] Coming up next--

our two local pandas, Ming Ming and Bao Bao, are expecting a baby.

- Robin, you want to get coffee sometime? - [ Blows Raspberry ]

Get it together, bro.

According to my calculations, at 6:00 p.m....

my body is gonna pay out like the most disgusting slot machine in the world.

That gives me two hours to go do the interview and still get back in time.

Oh, but, baby, what if you hit the jackpot early?

Oh, don't worry. I'll be prepared.

** [ Drumming: March ]

[ Exhales ]

[ Sloshing ]

[ Both Laugh ]

Well, I'm talking your ear off. Sorry.

Is there anything I can do for you, sweetie?

Can I borrow...

an adult diaper?

We gotta stop Ted. Where are they meeting?

Okay, Zoey wrote, "Meet me at 6:00 where it all began,

where you gave me the orchid at the intersection."

Well, that's good. All we have to do is think back...

to the time Ted told us about his first date with Zoey.

Amazing first date with Zoey. We met at the intersection--

[ Trombone Squawking ]

Aw! That's sweet. Totally.

- You weren't listening either? - I was in a coma.

I mean, who pays attention to that sappy romantic crap?

- [ Scoffs ] Lily! - Lily!

Yeah, I wasn't listening either.

Ted really can go on about a bitch.

Great. He could be anywhere, and we're flat out of clues. I--

Hey, wait! Ted left a message.

I couldn't hear it 'cause I was in the bathroom... blowing my nose.

I have the sniffles.

[ Beeps ]

[ Ted ] Hey, Lily. Hope you're feeling better. [ Man Chattering ]

Marshall told us you're exploding from both ends like a busted fire hydrant.

- [ Stifled Laugh ] - Damn it, Marshall.

Anyway, listen. I was gonna get back together with Zoey today,

but then I came to my senses on the way out here, so--

False alarm. [ Laughs ]

Oh, crap. I just stepped in some gum.

I'm getting back together with Zoey! [ Machine Beeps ]

[ Sighs ] Okay, we're never gonna find him.

Hey, wait, wait, wait! That was a subway announcement in the background.

I speak conductor.

- [ Beeps ] - Hey, Lily.

- Hope you're feeling better. Marshall told us-- - [ Man Chattering ]

Got it. Ted's at--

Lil--

[ Loud Roaring ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Lily ] Ah-choo!

Ted's at Smith and 9th Street.

Then that's the intersection. That's in Brooklyn.

How are we ever gonna get there in time? Way ahead of you.

Hello!

Marshall! Jake Bloom. Great to meet you.

Hello. Hi. Hey. Oh, I'm sorry about the stench.

We're suing a factory that's been dumping raw sewage into a local marshland.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah. Ten minutes ago,

I was knee-deep in liquefied human feces.

And that was just on the F train. [ Laughs ]

[ Forced Laugh ]

I can't believe Ted's getting back together with Zoey.

I know. They were a total train wreck. Unmitigated disaster.

Worst couple ever.

Yeah. [ Laughs ]

Almost as bad as us.

[ Laughs ]

We were a mess. [ Laughs ]

Do you remember how awful I looked by the end?

My hair was falling out. My skin was gray. My back was hunched.

What about me?

I got so fat, at the end of the date you'd unhook my bra.

[ Laughs ] You were the only boyfriend I ever motorboated.

[ Both Laugh ]

Thank God we're not sentimental saps who panic and get back together.

Seriously.

Why would people do that?

I guess I get it.

What do you mean?

Well, no matter how bad things got,

Ted really did love Zoey for a minute there, didn't he?

Yeah. He did.

And... she loved him too.

Didn't she?

Yeah, she did.

[ Tires Screech ]

[ Clears Throat ]

Smith and 9th Street.

[ Mouth Full ] So, let me show you...

some of the gut-wrenching environmental atrocities...

that we are working to stop, okay?

Mmm. [ Smacks Lips ]

- Here. Pop quiz. - [ Clicks On ]

What is that?

[ Winces ] That's a seal.

Bingo. Yes.

A bloated seal corpse rotting in industrial waste.

Mm-hmm.

Now, wait till you see what we found...

when we cut him open.

[ Clicks ]

Okay, where the hell are they? Maybe this isn't the intersection.

Well, maybe it is and we're too late.

Man, I wish we'd gotten to Brooklyn sooner.

[ Man ] I know, right?

Ever since the Trader Joe's opened up, Brooklyn is so-- whatever.

Wait. Where'd you get that?

Across the street. At The Intersection.

So, um,

you guys wanna buy some weed or--

She's alone. There's still time. But where the hell is Ted?

Wait a minute. On their first date, he brought her an orchid.

How much do you wanna bet he's gonna do it again?

- Brilliant. - Right?

But wait. He had a huge head start on us.

There's no way he's still in there,

unless he spent half an hour picking out the perfect orchid.

Thanks, Julia.

You know what?

Let me see the pink lady's slipper again.

Now, you know what that is?

A pile of rotting seagull carcasses...

covered in toxic sludge.

Being eaten by rats. Mm-hmm.

Exactly.

Now this next slide-- Oh. [ Chuckles ]

I'm sorry. That's my wife's water birth.

I don't know how that got in there.

[ Sighs ]

Anyway, that's all my questions.

[ Thinking ] Oh, my God. I made it.

Now just shake his hand, clench your very soul and run like hell.

Mm. Now, I like to set aside 20 minutes...

at the end of every interview for your questions.

So don't hold back. Whatever you got inside there, you just let 'er rip.

I can't do this anymore. I'm just gonna tell him the truth.

When it's stomach stuff, you just say "under the weather,"

or people start picturing you doing unspeakable things.

I have food poisoning...

and I'm about to start volcanoing toxic sludge out of both ends.

Nailed it.

Thanks, Julia!

[ Sighs ]

No. On second thought--

No! [ Shouts ]

[ Grunting ] Come on! What the hell?

You can't get back together with Zoey...

just because you're freaking out over a lightbulb.

I'm not freaking out over a lightbulb.

I'm freaking out over 50,000 lightbulbs!

I can't do this.

I only got this job because you gave it to me, Barney.

I didn't earn it.

Look, Ted, the future is scary.

But you can't just run back to the past because it's familiar.

Yes, it's tempting.

But...

it's a mistake.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] You're right.

Um, excuse me.

Can you give this to the blonde sitting alone in there...

and tell her Ted's really sorry?

Also--

Indirect sunlight. Don't overwater.

Half a cup a week is more than enough.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

No. Um--

Hi.

[ Ted Narrating ] And, kids--

That's how I met your mother.

Psych. It was just some chick.

Hey, baby. How'd it go?

Lily, this year-- [ Briefcase Clatters ]

this nasty, school-yard bully of a year-- will not stop punching me in the face.

How did we kick off 2011?

My dad died.

And now after five months of unemployment, I just blew my dream job.

Good news is, in a few seconds, I'm gonna start heaving my guts out...

because that's what life is for me now--

just losing what's inside until I'm just empty.

Baby, come here.

I just wanna shut my eyes for a few seconds before it starts.

[ Sighs ]

[ Ted Narrating ] And Marshall slept.

All night.

Okay, hotshot.

Mr. Stinson.

Who's going to do the honors?

He is.

Are you sure?

Yeah. You earned it.

All clear.

[ Exhales ]

Hey.

New is always better, right?

Always.

Ten,

nine, eight--

Lily. It's a miracle. I didn't get sick.

I-- I didn't get sick.

I know, baby.

I'm pregnant.

** [ Alternative Rock ] [ Exhales ]

[ Man ] * Let it roll across the floor *

* Through the hole and out the door *

* To the fountain of perpetual *

You know, I'm proud of you for giving Ted the button.

It meant a lot. It's just a button.

[ Mock Crying ] Can we talk about something else, please?

[ Laughs ]

** [ Continues ]

I don't-- But you need to.

Nora. Hi.

How have you been?

Fine.

Hey, look. I don't know why you would possibly say yes to this,

but would you want to grab a cup of coffee with me sometime?

Twenty minutes. I was such a jerk to you.

You can spend the entire time calling me every dirty name in the book.

I speak four languages. I'm gonna need more than 20 minutes.

I'll call you.

You look beautiful, by the way.

And here I thought it was too late for sundresses.

It's never too late, Barney.

Challenge accepted.

** [ Continues ]

Best man, you're being summoned.

Geez. What now?

* Let it roll *

I heard the groom needed me.

* Let it roll *

What do you think of this tie?

* Let it roll **