Original subtitles

So, this chick and I are going at it behind the Central Park Zoo.

The bonobo chimps start giving us a standing "O."

And just when I'm about to give her the same thing-- what up--

I-I-- [ Sighs ]

I can't. I just-- I can't.

Guys, I know you count the minutes...

until you can escape from your humdrum lives by hearing how awesome mine is.

And I love doing that for you.

But I just can't tonight.

- What's wrong? - I don't wanna talk about it.

Okay. Hey, you guys see Deadliest Catch last night?

- Did I ever! - [ Exclaiming ]

All right! I'll tell you.

My mother is selling the house I grew up in.

All of my childhood memories gone-- [ Snaps Fingers ] just like that.

That sucks. I've been there, buddy.

What are you talking about? Your mother still lives in the house you grew up in.

With her new hippie husband Clint.

The comfort of home is a little ruined when someone turns your old room...

into what I'm pretty sure is a tantric sex temple.

With all the bamboo, pot smoke and '60s music,

it's like my old G.I. Joes are frozen in some weird Vietnam flashback.

Anyway, I need you guys...

to come out to Staten Island on Saturday and help box everything up.

[ Laughs ]

You expect us to spend a whole day...

packing up your mom's house?

No, of course not. It's a two-day job.

Uh, pass. Same.

Unsubscribe.

[ Laughing ]

You guys are adorable.

You seriously believe that I, Barney Stinson, can't talk you into this?

- I got the queen to give me a fist bump. - No one believes that story.

You may be able to talk the brain surgeons you pick up into doing whatever you want,

but it's not gonna work on us.

[ Sighs ]

Mmm.

[ Knuckles Crack ]

[ Clears Throat ]

How did he do that?

** [ Upbeat Pop ]

** [ Man Vocalizing ]

** [ Ends ]

[ Ted Narrating ] So there we were, helping Barney pack up his childhood home.

Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing's way too big to fit in that box.

- Yeah, that's what your mom said. - How dare you!

No, she actually said that.

Oh, dear. I thought I told you that's just not gonna fit in there.

Oh.

Someone order something tall, dark and awesome?

Hey. Bro!

How you doin'?

Hey. Oh, my goodness.

- Mama. - Look at my two sons.

So big and strong and handsome.

Uh, Mom. Stop.

And how is my delicious little grandson?

Oh, did he get the clothes I sent him? Check it.

Huh? Oh! Ah!

How cute is that, right?

When was the last time you saw...

a diaper poking out of a Dolce & Gabbana suit?

Tuesday, at work.

Some of the senior partners are really getting up there.

So, Ted, yesterday at work,

I totally talked you up to that super-hot make-up girl Liz.

Oh, yeah? What'd you say?

Oh, you know, how funny you are.

Guilty. Handsome.

Who, me?

Incredible lover. [ Chuckles ]

Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I was all, like,

he knows a woman's body better than she knows her own.

Endless waves of pleasure...

just cresting and breaking for hours and hours, blah, blah, blah.

Orgasms so intense you just black out.

All that stuff.

Robin, how can I possibly live up to that review?

What? You know what you're doing down there.

Oh, Teddy Westside can bring it. We know this.

But that is not the point.

You broke the first rule of setting people up-- undersell.

It's like if someone's never seen The Karate Kid,

you don't say, "It's the greatest movie ever."

You say, "Uh, it's pretty good."

And then they see it, and it blows their freakin' mind.

'Cause Cobra Kai Sensei's all, like, "Sweep the leg!"

And Daniel-san's all, like, "Ahh-ahh-ahh."

[ Imitating Martial Arts Sound Effects ]

Maybe I did oversell you a bit.

[ James ] Thank you guys so much for helping us out with this stuff.

Oh, it gives us a rare insight into the makings of Barney Stinson.

Hmm. [ Lily ] Hey, look at this.

[ Imitating Baby Talk ] Who was a cute little basketball player...

before he became the biggest pervert in the world?

[ Chuckling ] I loved pee-wee basketball.

Well, until they kicked me off the team.

[ Barney ] I was so awesome,

the coach asked me to quit because it wasn't fair to the other kids.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

That sounds plausible.

Hey, it's true.

Tell 'em, James.

Oh, yeah. He had, like, a four-foot vertical leap.

He would hit it from the outside, hit it from the inside.

He sucked.

Coach cut him from the team, and Mom fed him that story so he'd feel better.

Oh, my God. Look at this.

My letter from the postmaster general.

I still can't believe he took the time to write this.

"Dear Barney"--

"I sincerely apologize about losing all the invitations...

you sent out to your eighth birthday party.

That's why none of your classmates showed up.

Not because you threw up when they turned the lights off at the planetarium.

Ah, no one even noticed that.

Also, Janey Masterson's mother is a whore,

and, with gin on her breath at 10:00 in the morning,

she's got some nerve kicking us out of the carpool.

Love, Postmaster General."

[ Laughing ]

Thank you!

- Does your mom make stuff like that up a lot? - Constantly.

I mean, she put more effort into some lies than others.

Mom, who's my dad? [ TV: Applause ]

All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who's mine?

I don't know. That guy.

Uh, you've all heard about--

Did she tell you that Bob Barker was your dad too?

No, no, no.

I heard Flip Wilson, Bill Cosby,

James Earl Jones, Meadowlark Lemon.

[ Laughing ] The list goes on.

I still can't get a straight answer about who my real dad is.

And Barney's no help. He still believes every lie that my mom told us growing up.

Not me. I caught on early.

Careful!

Michael Jackson sent me this glove for my 10th--

Damn.

Wow. Loretta really lied a lot to her kids.

Well, she's not alone.

Whenever Marshall was acting too hyper,

his mom would suddenly decide he was "sick"...

and give him cough medicine until he passed out.

I'm pretty sure that's what stunted my growth.

I hit 6'4" in the fifth grade, and then I just stopped.

And then there's the most popular parental lie in history-- Santa.

Yeah, but that's a good lie.

Like when we tell Ted he'll meet the right girl and settle down.

I always find that reassuring.

You wi meet her, buddy. Ya think so?

Yeah.

[ Lily ] Santa's still a lie, and I'm not lying to our kids.

Baby, it's Santa.

Don't you want our kids goin' to sleep on Christmas Eve with their hearts full of hope,

their heads full of crazy cough syrup nightmares,

knowing that downstairs Kris Kringle is stuffing their stockings full of joy...

and stuffing his belly full of milk and lutefisk that they left him?

Milk and lutefisk? Santa doesn't get cookies in Minnesota?

Yeah, that's just what Santa needs at 3:00 a.m...

when he's battling a snowstorm over the Rockies-- a sugar crash.

No, Santa needs protein.

I'm not lying to our kids.

Ah, valentines-- the second base of third grade.

I always got a valentine from every single girl in my class.

Funny how all these girls have the exact same handwriting...

as the postmaster general, Mom...

and home run king "Frank" Aaron.

Yeah, schoolgirls.

The more they ignore you, pretend to hate your guts,

lock you in the coatroom over winter break,

the more they secretly like you.

This isn't-- Who's Sam Gibbs?

No idea. Why? Oh.

Mom addressed this and never sent it.

What's in it?

I--

Hey, it's a picture of you and me when we were little kids.

On the back, Mom wrote "Your son."

Okay, everyone, lunch is ready.

Who wants sloppy joes?

Mom, who's Sam Gibbs?

[ Shrieking Gasp ]

That doesn't sound familiar.

Who wants sloppy joes?

There's a picture of me and Barney in an envelope addressed to him.

And you wrote "Your son" on the back.

Oh, no, that-- It says "Yourson."

For Yourson, North Dakota.

That's where we took the picture. Lovely town.

We went kayaking, and you two rescued the mayor's dog, which had wandered into the rapids.

Then Mayor Sam Gibbs asked for your pictures so the city could make statues of you both.

I guess I never sent it. That's embarrassing.

Now, how about those sloppy joes?

If this picture was taken in North Dakota, then why is our old swing set in the background?

I don't know!

I did my best as a single parent,

and it wasn't always easy.

And I'd recommend putting the coleslaw right on top of the sloppy joe.

Because it's delicious. That's why!

Can you believe her?

I know.

Forgetting to send the photo.

That poor sculptor had to work from memory.

Those statues probably look nothing like us.

Damn it, Mom!

So, Ted. Hmm?

You were worried that I oversold you to Liz. Well, I fixed it.

- How? - I sent her another e-mail.

"Dear Liz, I hope it didn't sound like I was trying to oversell Ted.

The truth is, he is a genuinely nice, down-to-earth guy,

and I think you two would really hit it off."

Thank you. Thank you. That's perfect. That totally takes the pressure off.

"Is he gonna rock your world in bed? No.

But he's clean, open to criticism and not into anything too weird.

He's not bad at all.

Not bad at all." See, now you went too far in the other direction.

"I'll be honest, the first few times aren't gonna be that great.

He's gonna say 'Are you finished?' more times than a waiter at a busy restaurant."

Stop!

Listen to me. There is no Yourson, North Dakota.

Mom-- And Sam Gibbs wasn't the mayor.

He might be one of our fathers.

He's not my dad. My dad's Bob Barker.

Barney, you've gotta stop livin' in these fairy tales that Mom told us.

Bob Barker is not your father.

Sam Gibbs might be.

But Bob Barker is absolutely, unequivocally not your father!

I suppose you have a problem with the Easter Bunny too. Not now.

This address isn't too far.

Are you comin' with me or not?

[ Barney ] So we're doing this?

We're really gonna go disturb the peaceful Long Island retirement...

of the former mayor of Yourson, North Dakota, on a Sunday afternoon.

Real classy, James. Real classy.

You're just too scared to face the truth.

You are living in a dream world.

Maybe we shouldn't have brought these sloppy joes.

Hey, what's done is done.

"Ted Mosby is solid as a rock."

- Mmm. - No. Dependable.

No. Rugged. No--

Why don't I just go to the Chevy Web site and copy down adjectives?

I just wanna hit that perfect middle ground.

How about we just go wildly to both extremes...

and just let them balance each other out?

"Ted Mosby is really handsome, but extremely violent,

and really rich, but lacks bladder control."

[ Beeps ]

- Oh, damn. - What?

- That last bump just made me hit "send." - No, no.

Don't worry. I'm sure that everyone will get it's a joke.

No, they won't. They're gonna think--

Wait. "Everyone"?

[ All Laughing ]

"Really rich"?

You ready for this? For what?

I don't know who lives here, but it's not my dad. [ Chuckles ]

Wait, wait.

Please stop.

Just give me a second. Okay?

- I thought you said that he wa-- - Stop. Come on.

I know Bob Barker's not really, you know-- I'm not crazy.

I just--

I needed that.

I know it may sound stupid, but I didn't always feel so great about myself growing up,

and so having a celebrity dad made me feel special.

But you're right, James.

It's time to let go of the fantasies.

It's time to grow up.

Come here. [ Sniffles ]

[ Exhales ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Can I help you?

Yeah, um--

You're Sam Gibbs? Yes.

I'm James Stinson.

And, uh, I think you may have known my mother, Loretta Stinson,

in the '70s.

Loretta. [ Chuckling ]

Yeah. Yeah, I-I-I-I knew Loretta.

My mother meant to send you this.

You're my son.

[ Laughing ]

God, this must be so hard for Barney.

Yeah, but you know what? He took a big step today.

Papa!

[ Laughing ]

Uh-oh.

[ Laughing ] Look at us!

It's like three of the same guy.

Oh, my God.

This explains why I was always so awesome at basketball.

Guys, I'm black.

Sorry. African-American.

No. I'm allowed to say either.

I gotta go get my camera!

That is my younger brother, Barney.

He just thought he'd meet his real dad today, and clearly he's not taking it so well.

Well, my head's kind of spinning too.

I mean, Loretta and I only saw each other for a couple of months.

You were two before I even knew you existed.

And at that point, your mother made it very clear she was gonna raise you on her own.

I felt I had to respect her wishes.

But I always wanted to meet you.

Wait, Barney and James are two years apart.

If Sam only knew Loretta for a few months, he couldn't possibly be Barney's father.

He's also quite the detective.

Don't worry. We'll, uh-- We'll snap Barney out of this when he gets back.

Or, uh, we could just let him have this one.

Are you kidding? Guys, Barney's losing his childhood home.

He finally admitted Bob Barker's not his dad.

And then he watched James meet his real father.

It's just a lot to go through in one afternoon.

Can't we just let the guy be black for a day?

Here, Ted! Capture the moment!

I think you'd need Salvador Dali...

to capture this particular moment, but I'll give it a whirl.

Man, I thought I was a light-skinned Caucasian,

but in truth I'm a really light-skinned African-American.

Man, try to hail a cab in Manhattan.

Am I right?

Nope. No one's stoppin' for this.

These guys don't understand what I'm talkin' about.

[ Ted Narrating ] During that afternoon,

Sam and James began to discover how much they had in common.

** [ Piano ] * When the night has come

Mmm.

* Oh, and the land is dark

Come on, you know this. Come on.

* And the moon * The moon

* Is the only

[ Together ] * Light we'll see

* Light we'll see Light we'll see *

* Oh, I won't * No, I won't

* Be afraid Hey! Ho!

* Oh, I won't shed a tear *

* No, I won't shed no tear *

* Not as long

[ Together ] * As you stand

* Stand by me * Stand by me

There you go. Come on.

* Whenever you're in trouble

* Won't ya stand

* Stand by me ** [ Scatting ]

* Stand * Won't you stand by

* Won't you stand by Hey!

* Just stand *

Weird day. Weird day.

[ Cell Phone Chirping ]

Hey, look at that. Liz still wants to meet you.

That's great! Mm-hmm.

I guess.

Wait a minute.

You said Liz was a total 10.

Why would she wanna meet the incontinent freak show you described?

- Um-- - You oversold her.

Maybe a little. You said she was a 10.

I did not specify on what scale.

You said she looked like a movie star.

She does. It's Robert De Niro.

But like super buff, like in Cape Fear.

Dad, look how fast I can run.

He's actually a really sweet guy,

and he's great with my son.

I have a grandson?

Uh--

His name is Eli. [ Beeps ]

He's beautiful.

Dad, you're not looking.

[ Ted Narrating ] Eventually the strangest afternoon of our lives...

wound to a close,

and we headed back to Staten Island...

where Barney and his mom had a long-overdue heart-to-heart.

Barney, I need to talk to you.

Uh, me first.

Mom, there's something that I need to ask you,

and I-- I want you to be honest with me.

[ Sighs ]

Why do white people like Carrot Top?

Listen.

I always wanted to be enough for you boys.

I think that's why it always hurt...

whenever you asked about your dads,

because I was always trying so hard to be both parents for you.

But I was being selfish.

You deserve the truth, so here it is.

Sam is not your father.

Are you sure?

Yes.

He's black, dear.

But if you want, I can tell you who your father really is.

[ Ted Narrating ] And at that moment, Barney suddenly saw his childhood...

more clearly than he ever had before.

I'm sorry, but your son can't be on the team. He's terrible.

What did Coach say, Ma?

He said you're simply too good to be on the team.

It's not fair to the other boys. But that's okay.

We can just play together in the backyard.

Why didn't anyone come?

Oh, you know what, dear?

Apparently there was a mix-up with the mail.

I just got this letter from the postmaster general.

"Dear Barney,

I sincerely apologize for losing all the invitations...

you sent out to your eighth birthday party."

Barney. It's okay, Mom. I don't need it.

But it's your father.

I already have a father.

And his name...

is Loretta.

[ Ted Narrating ] Kids, your Uncle Barney grew up without a dad,

and it always made him feel incomplete.

But as he hugged Loretta, surrounded by the boxed-up remnants of his happy childhood,

he realized he had one hell of a mom.

* If the sky

* We look upon * Mmm-mmm-mmm

[ Together ] * Should tumble and fall

[ Through Vocoder: Distorted, Reverberating ] * Or the mountains

* Should crumble

* To the sea To the sea **

[ Distorted, Reverberating ] Wait, Dad, James.

Where you goin'? That's the best part.

Can we go camping?