Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,269 --> 00:00:04,605
So, this chick and I
are going at it behind
the Central Park Zoo.
2
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:07,808
The bonobo chimps
start giving us
a standing "O."
3
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:11,112
And just when
I'm about to give her
the same thing-- what up--
4
00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:12,680
I-I--
[ Sighs ]
5
00:00:14,282 --> 00:00:16,917
I can't.
I just-- I can't.
6
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:19,120
Guys, I know you count
the minutes...
7
00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:22,956
until you can escape
from your humdrum lives
by hearing how awesome mine is.
8
00:00:22,990 --> 00:00:24,592
And I love
doing that for you.
9
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:27,628
But I just can't tonight.
10
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:30,731
- What's wrong?
- I don't wanna talk about it.
11
00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:33,101
Okay. Hey, you guys
see Deadliest Catch
last night?
12
00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:35,136
- Did I ever!
- [ Exclaiming ]
13
00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:36,604
All right!
I'll tell you.
14
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:40,674
My mother is selling
the house I grew up in.
15
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:44,112
All of my childhood memories
gone-- [ Snaps Fingers ]
just like that.
16
00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,714
That sucks.
I've been there, buddy.
17
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:49,850
What are you talking about?
Your mother still lives
in the house you grew up in.
18
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:52,120
With her new
hippie husband Clint.
19
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:55,156
The comfort of home
is a little ruined when
someone turns your old room...
20
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:58,259
into what I'm pretty sure
is a tantric sex temple.
21
00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:00,828
With all the bamboo,
pot smoke and '60s music,
22
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:04,198
it's like my old G.I. Joes
are frozen in some
weird Vietnam flashback.
23
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,000
Anyway, I need you guys...
24
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:10,404
to come out
to Staten Island on Saturday
and help box everything up.
25
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:11,539
[ Laughs ]
26
00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:14,108
You expect us
to spend a whole day...
27
00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:15,643
packing up
your mom's house?
28
00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:18,646
No, of course not.
It's a two-day job.
29
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,714
Uh, pass.
Same.
30
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,683
Unsubscribe.
31
00:01:22,716 --> 00:01:24,818
[ Laughing ]
32
00:01:24,852 --> 00:01:26,820
You guys are adorable.
33
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:30,124
You seriously believe
that I, Barney Stinson,
can't talk you into this?
34
00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:33,794
- I got the queen
to give me a fist bump.
- No one believes that story.
35
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:38,132
You may be able to talk
the brain surgeons you pick up
into doing whatever you want,
36
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:40,168
but it's not gonna
work on us.
37
00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:42,536
[ Sighs ]
38
00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:44,037
Mmm.
39
00:01:44,071 --> 00:01:46,274
[ Knuckles Crack ]
40
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:47,975
[ Clears Throat ]
41
00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:49,777
How did he do that?
42
00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:53,481
** [ Upbeat Pop ]
43
00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:56,850
** [ Man Vocalizing ]
44
00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:03,924
** [ Ends ]
45
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:07,261
[ Ted Narrating ] So there
we were, helping Barney
pack up his childhood home.
46
00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:10,398
Whoa, Ted, that thing
you're packing's way too big
to fit in that box.
47
00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:13,367
- Yeah, that's what
your mom said.
- How dare you!
48
00:02:13,401 --> 00:02:15,536
No, she actually said that.
49
00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:18,839
Oh, dear. I thought
I told you that's just
not gonna fit in there.
50
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,208
Oh.
51
00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:22,276
Someone order something
tall, dark and awesome?
52
00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:24,712
Hey.
Bro!
53
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:26,113
How you doin'?
54
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,981
Hey.
Oh, my goodness.
55
00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:30,318
- Mama.
- Look at my two sons.
56
00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:32,220
So big and strong
and handsome.
57
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:34,488
Uh, Mom.
Stop.
58
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:36,624
And how is
my delicious
little grandson?
59
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,193
Oh, did he get the clothes
I sent him?
Check it.
60
00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:41,395
Huh? Oh!
Ah!
61
00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:43,397
How cute is that,
right?
62
00:02:43,431 --> 00:02:45,266
When was the last time
you saw...
63
00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:47,335
a diaper poking out of
a Dolce & Gabbana suit?
64
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,570
Tuesday, at work.
65
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,539
Some of the senior partners
are really getting up there.
66
00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:55,776
So, Ted, yesterday at work,
67
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:58,312
I totally talked you up to that
super-hot make-up girl Liz.
68
00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:00,147
Oh, yeah?
What'd you say?
69
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,982
Oh, you know,
how funny you are.
70
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,217
Guilty.
Handsome.
71
00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:04,652
Who, me?
72
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,019
Incredible lover.
[ Chuckles ]
73
00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:08,021
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
74
00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:09,423
I was all, like,
75
00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:12,159
he knows a woman's body better
than she knows her own.
76
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,027
Endless waves of pleasure...
77
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:17,598
just cresting and breaking
for hours and hours,
blah, blah, blah.
78
00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:21,068
Orgasms so intense
you just black out.
79
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:22,603
All that stuff.
80
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:26,307
Robin, how can I possibly
live up to that review?
81
00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:27,941
What? You know what
you're doing down there.
82
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:30,978
Oh, Teddy Westside can
bring it. We know this.
83
00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:33,514
But that is not the point.
84
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,817
You broke the first rule of
setting people up-- undersell.
85
00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:39,287
It's like if someone's
never seen The Karate Kid,
86
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,221
you don't say,
"It's the greatest movie ever."
87
00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:42,790
You say,
"Uh, it's pretty good."
88
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:45,092
And then they see it, and
it blows their freakin' mind.
89
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:48,161
'Cause Cobra Kai Sensei's
all, like, "Sweep the leg!"
90
00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:51,799
And Daniel-san's all, like,
"Ahh-ahh-ahh."
91
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:54,302
[ Imitating Martial Arts
Sound Effects ]
92
00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:01,742
Maybe I did
oversell you a bit.
93
00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:04,945
[ James ] Thank you guys
so much for helping us out
with this stuff.
94
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:08,482
Oh, it gives us a rare
insight into the makings
of Barney Stinson.
95
00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:10,751
Hmm.
[ Lily ]
Hey, look at this.
96
00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:13,454
[ Imitating Baby Talk ]
Who was a cute little
basketball player...
97
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:16,524
before he became
the biggest pervert
in the world?
98
00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:19,293
[ Chuckling ]
I loved pee-wee basketball.
99
00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:22,029
Well, until they
kicked me off the team.
100
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,831
[ Barney ]
I was so awesome,
101
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:27,535
the coach asked me to quit
because it wasn't fair
to the other kids.
102
00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:31,605
[ Crowd Cheering ]
103
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:33,907
That sounds plausible.
104
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,343
Hey, it's true.
105
00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:36,877
Tell 'em, James.
106
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:39,313
Oh, yeah.
He had, like,
a four-foot vertical leap.
107
00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:42,082
He would hit it
from the outside,
hit it from the inside.
108
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,951
He sucked.
109
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:47,220
Coach cut him from the team,
and Mom fed him that story
so he'd feel better.
110
00:04:47,254 --> 00:04:48,756
Oh, my God.
Look at this.
111
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,825
My letter from
the postmaster general.
112
00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:54,728
I still can't believe
he took the time
to write this.
113
00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,296
"Dear Barney"--
114
00:04:56,330 --> 00:05:00,401
"I sincerely apologize
about losing all
the invitations...
115
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:03,504
you sent out to your
eighth birthday party.
116
00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:07,074
That's why none of your
classmates showed up.
117
00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:11,479
Not because you threw up
when they turned the lights off
at the planetarium.
118
00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:14,582
Ah, no one
even noticed that.
119
00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:19,520
Also, Janey Masterson's mother
is a whore,
120
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,523
and, with gin on her breath
at 10:00 in the morning,
121
00:05:22,556 --> 00:05:26,427
she's got some nerve
kicking us out of the carpool.
122
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:29,697
Love, Postmaster General."
123
00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:33,000
[ Laughing ]
124
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,635
Thank you!
125
00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:38,939
- Does your mom make stuff
like that up a lot?
- Constantly.
126
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:42,275
I mean, she put more effort
into some lies than others.
127
00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:44,311
Mom, who's my dad?
[ TV: Applause ]
128
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:48,582
All the other kids at school
know who their dad is.
Who's mine?
129
00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:51,619
I don't know.
That guy.
130
00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:53,787
Uh, you've all
heard about--
131
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,725
Did she tell you
that Bob Barker
was your dad too?
132
00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:58,859
No, no, no.
133
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:01,829
I heard Flip Wilson,
Bill Cosby,
134
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,765
James Earl Jones,
Meadowlark Lemon.
135
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,900
[ Laughing ]
The list goes on.
136
00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:10,203
I still can't
get a straight answer
about who my real dad is.
137
00:06:10,237 --> 00:06:14,475
And Barney's no help.
He still believes every lie
that my mom told us growing up.
138
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,744
Not me.
I caught on early.
139
00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:18,011
Careful!
140
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:20,414
Michael Jackson
sent me this glove
for my 10th--
141
00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:22,683
Damn.
142
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:28,689
Wow. Loretta really
lied a lot to her kids.
143
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,624
Well, she's not alone.
144
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:32,526
Whenever Marshall
was acting too hyper,
145
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,595
his mom would suddenly
decide he was "sick"...
146
00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:37,030
and give him cough medicine
until he passed out.
147
00:06:38,632 --> 00:06:40,634
I'm pretty sure that's
what stunted my growth.
148
00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:43,070
I hit 6'4" in the fifth grade,
and then I just stopped.
149
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:48,609
And then there's the most
popular parental lie
in history-- Santa.
150
00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:50,310
Yeah, but
that's a good lie.
151
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:53,280
Like when we tell Ted
he'll meet the right girl
and settle down.
152
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:54,782
I always find that
reassuring.
153
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,416
You wi meet her,
buddy.
Ya think so?
154
00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:57,885
Yeah.
155
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:02,623
[ Lily ]
Santa's still a lie,
and I'm not lying to our kids.
156
00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:04,658
Baby, it's Santa.
157
00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:09,162
Don't you want our kids
goin' to sleep on Christmas Eve
with their hearts full of hope,
158
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,799
their heads full of
crazy cough syrup nightmares,
159
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:15,969
knowing that downstairs
Kris Kringle is stuffing
their stockings full of joy...
160
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:19,439
and stuffing his belly
full of milk and lutefisk
that they left him?
161
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:22,943
Milk and lutefisk?
Santa doesn't get cookies
in Minnesota?
162
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,445
Yeah, that's just what Santa
needs at 3:00 a.m...
163
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:29,082
when he's battling
a snowstorm over the Rockies--
a sugar crash.
164
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:30,751
No, Santa needs protein.
165
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,953
I'm not lying to our kids.
166
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:36,490
Ah, valentines--
the second base
of third grade.
167
00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:40,293
I always got a valentine
from every single girl
in my class.
168
00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:43,897
Funny how all these girls have
the exact same handwriting...
169
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:46,834
as the postmaster general,
Mom...
170
00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:50,971
and home run king
"Frank" Aaron.
171
00:07:51,572 --> 00:07:53,774
Yeah, schoolgirls.
172
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,109
The more they ignore you,
pretend to hate your guts,
173
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,278
lock you in the coatroom
over winter break,
174
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,147
the more they secretly
like you.
175
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:04,785
This isn't--
Who's Sam Gibbs?
176
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,486
No idea.
Why?
Oh.
177
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,956
Mom addressed this
and never sent it.
178
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,524
What's in it?
179
00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:12,993
I--
180
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:18,966
Hey, it's a picture
of you and me
when we were little kids.
181
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:24,504
On the back,
Mom wrote "Your son."
182
00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:31,579
Okay, everyone,
lunch is ready.
183
00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:33,246
Who wants sloppy joes?
184
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,549
Mom, who's Sam Gibbs?
185
00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:36,917
[ Shrieking Gasp ]
186
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,351
That doesn't
sound familiar.
187
00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:40,253
Who wants sloppy joes?
188
00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:42,656
There's a picture of me
and Barney in an envelope
addressed to him.
189
00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:44,625
And you wrote "Your son"
on the back.
190
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:48,261
Oh, no, that--
It says "Yourson."
191
00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:49,863
For Yourson,
North Dakota.
192
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:52,065
That's where
we took the picture.
Lovely town.
193
00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:56,937
We went kayaking, and you two
rescued the mayor's dog, which
had wandered into the rapids.
194
00:08:56,970 --> 00:09:01,809
Then Mayor Sam Gibbs asked
for your pictures so the city
could make statues of you both.
195
00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:04,344
I guess I never sent it.
That's embarrassing.
196
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:07,681
Now, how about
those sloppy joes?
197
00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:12,019
If this picture was taken in
North Dakota, then why is our
old swing set in the background?
198
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,954
I don't know!
199
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,824
I did my best
as a single parent,
200
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:18,491
and it wasn't
always easy.
201
00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:20,961
And I'd recommend putting
the coleslaw right on top
of the sloppy joe.
202
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,863
Because it's delicious.
That's why!
203
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,500
Can you believe her?
204
00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,603
I know.
205
00:09:29,637 --> 00:09:31,639
Forgetting
to send the photo.
206
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:33,641
That poor sculptor
had to work from memory.
207
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,542
Those statues probably
look nothing like us.
208
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:38,345
Damn it, Mom!
209
00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:39,913
So, Ted.
Hmm?
210
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:43,416
You were worried that
I oversold you to Liz.
Well, I fixed it.
211
00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:45,452
- How?
- I sent her another e-mail.
212
00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:49,556
"Dear Liz, I hope it didn't
sound like I was trying
to oversell Ted.
213
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:52,860
The truth is,
he is a genuinely nice,
down-to-earth guy,
214
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:55,195
and I think you two
would really hit it off."
215
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:58,031
Thank you. Thank you.
That's perfect. That totally
takes the pressure off.
216
00:09:58,065 --> 00:10:00,333
"Is he gonna rock your world
in bed? No.
217
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:05,438
But he's clean,
open to criticism
and not into anything too weird.
218
00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:07,374
He's not bad at all.
219
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:10,610
Not bad at all."
See, now you went too far
in the other direction.
220
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:13,546
"I'll be honest,
the first few times
aren't gonna be that great.
221
00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:17,117
He's gonna say 'Are you
finished?' more times than
a waiter at a busy restaurant."
222
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,451
Stop!
223
00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:21,021
Listen to me.
There is no Yourson,
North Dakota.
224
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:23,724
Mom--
And Sam Gibbs
wasn't the mayor.
225
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,726
He might be
one of our fathers.
226
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,861
He's not my dad.
My dad's Bob Barker.
227
00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:32,032
Barney, you've gotta stop
livin' in these fairy tales
that Mom told us.
228
00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:34,534
Bob Barker
is not your father.
229
00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:36,469
Sam Gibbs might be.
230
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:41,074
But Bob Barker
is absolutely, unequivocally
not your father!
231
00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:47,214
I suppose you have a problem
with the Easter Bunny too.
Not now.
232
00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:49,616
This address isn't too far.
233
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,351
Are you comin' with me
or not?
234
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,654
[ Barney ]
So we're doing this?
235
00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:57,758
We're really gonna go
disturb the peaceful
Long Island retirement...
236
00:10:57,791 --> 00:11:01,929
of the former mayor
of Yourson, North Dakota,
on a Sunday afternoon.
237
00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:03,964
Real classy, James.
Real classy.
238
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,833
You're just too scared
to face the truth.
239
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:08,035
You are living
in a dream world.
240
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:14,908
Maybe we shouldn't have
brought these sloppy joes.
241
00:11:14,942 --> 00:11:16,944
Hey, what's done
is done.
242
00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:21,048
"Ted Mosby
is solid as a rock."
243
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:23,616
- Mmm.
- No. Dependable.
244
00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:27,454
No. Rugged. No--
245
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:30,724
Why don't I just go
to the Chevy Web site
and copy down adjectives?
246
00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:32,960
I just wanna hit
that perfect middle ground.
247
00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:35,796
How about we just go
wildly to both extremes...
248
00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:38,198
and just let them
balance each other out?
249
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:41,334
"Ted Mosby
is really handsome,
but extremely violent,
250
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:45,072
and really rich,
but lacks bladder control."
251
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:46,940
[ Beeps ]
252
00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:48,876
- Oh, damn.
- What?
253
00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:51,311
- That last bump
just made me hit "send."
- No, no.
254
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:54,047
Don't worry.
I'm sure that everyone
will get it's a joke.
255
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,783
No, they won't.
They're gonna think--
256
00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:57,484
Wait. "Everyone"?
257
00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:59,753
[ All Laughing ]
258
00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:01,989
"Really rich"?
259
00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:08,595
You ready for this?
For what?
260
00:12:08,628 --> 00:12:11,899
I don't know who lives here,
but it's not my dad.
[ Chuckles ]
261
00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:17,270
Wait, wait.
262
00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:19,907
Please stop.
263
00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:21,308
Just give me a second.
Okay?
264
00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:24,211
- I thought you said
that he wa--
- Stop. Come on.
265
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:29,082
I know Bob Barker's
not really, you know--
I'm not crazy.
266
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,517
I just--
267
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,053
I needed that.
268
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:38,058
I know it may sound stupid,
but I didn't always feel so
great about myself growing up,
269
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,928
and so having a celebrity dad
made me feel special.
270
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,296
But you're right, James.
271
00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:46,900
It's time to let go
of the fantasies.
272
00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:49,502
It's time to grow up.
273
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,539
Come here.
[ Sniffles ]
274
00:12:58,445 --> 00:12:59,980
[ Exhales ]
275
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:02,082
[ Doorbell Rings ]
276
00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,890
Can I help you?
277
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:12,960
Yeah, um--
278
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,928
You're Sam Gibbs?
Yes.
279
00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:18,598
I'm James Stinson.
280
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:22,936
And, uh, I think
you may have known
my mother, Loretta Stinson,
281
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,905
in the '70s.
282
00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:27,707
Loretta.
[ Chuckling ]
283
00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:31,945
Yeah.
Yeah, I-I-I-I knew Loretta.
284
00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:35,548
My mother meant
to send you this.
285
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,060
You're my son.
286
00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,400
[ Laughing ]
287
00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:01,508
God, this must be
so hard for Barney.
288
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,877
Yeah, but you know what?
He took a big step today.
289
00:14:03,911 --> 00:14:05,979
Papa!
290
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,716
[ Laughing ]
291
00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:11,018
Uh-oh.
292
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:19,092
[ Laughing ]
Look at us!
293
00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:22,095
It's like three
of the same guy.
294
00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:24,464
Oh, my God.
295
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:27,367
This explains why
I was always so awesome
at basketball.
296
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,102
Guys, I'm black.
297
00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:32,139
Sorry.
African-American.
298
00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:34,707
No. I'm allowed
to say either.
299
00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,443
I gotta go
get my camera!
300
00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:39,279
That is my younger brother,
Barney.
301
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:44,251
He just thought he'd meet
his real dad today, and clearly
he's not taking it so well.
302
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,353
Well, my head's
kind of spinning too.
303
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:49,889
I mean, Loretta and I
only saw each other
for a couple of months.
304
00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:52,225
You were two before
I even knew you existed.
305
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:57,897
And at that point, your mother
made it very clear she was
gonna raise you on her own.
306
00:14:57,931 --> 00:15:00,000
I felt I had
to respect her wishes.
307
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,435
But I always
wanted to meet you.
308
00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:05,705
Wait, Barney and James
are two years apart.
309
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:10,377
If Sam only knew Loretta
for a few months, he couldn't
possibly be Barney's father.
310
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:14,381
He's also
quite the detective.
311
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:20,920
Don't worry. We'll, uh--
We'll snap Barney out of this
when he gets back.
312
00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:23,957
Or, uh, we could
just let him
have this one.
313
00:15:23,991 --> 00:15:27,294
Are you kidding?
Guys, Barney's losing
his childhood home.
314
00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,562
He finally
admitted Bob Barker's
not his dad.
315
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:32,399
And then he watched James
meet his real father.
316
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,435
It's just
a lot to go through
in one afternoon.
317
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:38,738
Can't we just
let the guy be black
for a day?
318
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,607
Here, Ted!
Capture the moment!
319
00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:43,443
I think you'd need
Salvador Dali...
320
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:46,079
to capture
this particular moment,
but I'll give it a whirl.
321
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:50,450
Man, I thought I was
a light-skinned Caucasian,
322
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:54,454
but in truth
I'm a really light-skinned
African-American.
323
00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:57,557
Man, try to hail a cab
in Manhattan.
324
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,226
Am I right?
325
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:02,129
Nope. No one's
stoppin' for this.
326
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,965
These guys don't understand
what I'm talkin' about.
327
00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:07,467
[ Ted Narrating ]
During that afternoon,
328
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:11,538
Sam and James
began to discover
how much they had in common.
329
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:15,842
** [ Piano ]
* When the night has come
330
00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:17,177
Mmm.
331
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,478
* Oh, and the land is dark
332
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,247
Come on, you know this.
Come on.
333
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,881
* And the moon
* The moon
334
00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:23,983
* Is the only
335
00:16:24,017 --> 00:16:25,252
[ Together ]
* Light we'll see
336
00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:28,221
* Light we'll see
Light we'll see *
337
00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:30,157
* Oh, I won't
* No, I won't
338
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,259
* Be afraid
Hey! Ho!
339
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:34,527
* Oh, I won't
shed a tear *
340
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,029
* No, I won't
shed no tear *
341
00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:37,964
* Not as long
342
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,033
[ Together ]
* As you stand
343
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:42,069
* Stand by me
* Stand by me
344
00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:43,036
There you go.
Come on.
345
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:44,771
* Whenever you're in trouble
346
00:16:44,804 --> 00:16:46,173
* Won't ya stand
347
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:49,442
* Stand by me
** [ Scatting ]
348
00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:51,211
* Stand
* Won't you stand by
349
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:53,046
* Won't you stand by
Hey!
350
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:54,714
* Just stand *
351
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,184
Weird day.
Weird day.
352
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:59,552
[ Cell Phone Chirping ]
353
00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:02,822
Hey, look at that.
Liz still wants to meet you.
354
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:05,325
That's great!
Mm-hmm.
355
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:06,859
I guess.
356
00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:08,495
Wait a minute.
357
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,997
You said Liz
was a total 10.
358
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:14,267
Why would she wanna meet
the incontinent freak show
you described?
359
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:18,305
- Um--
- You oversold her.
360
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:20,507
Maybe a little.
You said she was a 10.
361
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,942
I did not specify
on what scale.
362
00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:24,511
You said she looked
like a movie star.
363
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,679
She does.
It's Robert De Niro.
364
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:29,216
But like super buff,
like in Cape Fear.
365
00:17:30,350 --> 00:17:33,052
Dad, look how fast
I can run.
366
00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:35,822
He's actually
a really sweet guy,
367
00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:37,790
and he's great
with my son.
368
00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:39,292
I have a grandson?
369
00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:40,560
Uh--
370
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:43,830
His name is Eli.
[ Beeps ]
371
00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:49,602
He's beautiful.
372
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:52,205
Dad, you're not looking.
373
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:56,109
[ Ted Narrating ]
Eventually the strangest
afternoon of our lives...
374
00:17:56,143 --> 00:17:57,677
wound to a close,
375
00:17:57,710 --> 00:17:59,746
and we headed back
to Staten Island...
376
00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:02,249
where Barney and his mom
had a long-overdue
heart-to-heart.
377
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,951
Barney,
I need to talk to you.
378
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:06,686
Uh, me first.
379
00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:09,322
Mom, there's something
that I need to ask you,
380
00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:11,691
and I-- I want you
to be honest with me.
381
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:15,395
[ Sighs ]
382
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:18,498
Why do white people
like Carrot Top?
383
00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:25,572
Listen.
384
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:30,143
I always wanted to be
enough for you boys.
385
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,146
I think
that's why it always hurt...
386
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:35,648
whenever you asked
about your dads,
387
00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:39,986
because I was always
trying so hard to be
both parents for you.
388
00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:41,554
But I was being selfish.
389
00:18:44,023 --> 00:18:48,161
You deserve the truth,
so here it is.
390
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,630
Sam is not your father.
391
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:53,966
Are you sure?
392
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,768
Yes.
393
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,304
He's black, dear.
394
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:03,776
But if you want, I can tell you
who your father really is.
395
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:09,582
[ Ted Narrating ]
And at that moment, Barney
suddenly saw his childhood...
396
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:12,219
more clearly
than he ever had before.
397
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:18,225
I'm sorry, but your son
can't be on the team.
He's terrible.
398
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,330
What did Coach say, Ma?
399
00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:26,599
He said you're simply too good
to be on the team.
400
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:29,369
It's not fair
to the other boys.
But that's okay.
401
00:19:29,402 --> 00:19:31,671
We can just play together
in the backyard.
402
00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:35,074
Why didn't anyone come?
403
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,176
Oh, you know what, dear?
404
00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:40,580
Apparently
there was a mix-up
with the mail.
405
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:43,750
I just got this letter
from the postmaster general.
406
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,052
"Dear Barney,
407
00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:49,856
I sincerely apologize for losing
all the invitations...
408
00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:52,892
you sent out to your
eighth birthday party."
409
00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:11,177
Barney.
It's okay, Mom.
I don't need it.
410
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,845
But it's your father.
411
00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:16,416
I already have a father.
412
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,319
And his name...
413
00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:20,820
is Loretta.
414
00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:27,327
[ Ted Narrating ]
Kids, your Uncle Barney
grew up without a dad,
415
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,662
and it always
made him feel incomplete.
416
00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:34,434
But as he hugged Loretta,
surrounded by the boxed-up
remnants of his happy childhood,
417
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:37,904
he realized he had
one hell of a mom.
418
00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:44,444
* If the sky
419
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:47,847
* We look upon
* Mmm-mmm-mmm
420
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,383
[ Together ]
* Should tumble and fall
421
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:52,952
[ Through Vocoder:
Distorted, Reverberating ]
* Or the mountains
422
00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:55,455
* Should crumble
423
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:58,325
* To the sea
To the sea **
424
00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:01,394
[ Distorted, Reverberating ]
Wait, Dad, James.
425
00:21:01,428 --> 00:21:03,830
Where you goin'?
That's the best part.
426
00:21:05,365 --> 00:21:07,400
Can we go camping?
30979
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
