Original subtitles

APHRODITE: (READING) "And my husband spends too much time in the tavern

"and not enough in our bedroom.

"PIease help.

"AIso, he snores.

(CHUCKLES) "Signed, SIeepless in Cyprus."

Ugh!

Another Iame request. Can't these people get a Iife?

(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION)

(MOANING) Oh, that's good, totally good.

Make me forget this stuff.

Aphrodite. Mmm-mmm.

I don't see the point of rubbing oil on your skin.

Oh, it'sjust this new process I've hit on.

It gives me this killer bronze glow.

Here are more petitions from your shrines.

(SIGHS IN DISGUST)

(SIGHS)

(READING) "Dear Goddess,

(CHUCKLES) "Single Athenian female

"seeks single Spartan male for fun and games.

"PIease send recent sketch..."

Yada, yada, yada. I am just overthis goddess-of-Iove gig.

Gag me.

You've had enough?

Absolutely! I am, Iike, extremelyversatile.

No more hiding mytalents.

They're gonna be out there for the world to see.

An hour of passion might soothe you.

Boring! You bore me.

These bore me, Iove bores me.

I quit!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Something troubles you, Noble Hephaestus?

Onlythat which I can never have.

But you must press on, Great God of Fire.

(GRUNTS)

(ROARING)

(METAL SQUEAKING)

None ofthe other gods has your skill and artistry.

(METAL CREAKING)

(GROWLS)

No!

(ROARING STOPS)

Iagos, how do I conquer my obsession for her?

Oh.

With work, Master.

And onlyyou can make the armor forthe other gods.

There's a great emptiness inside me.

That's because you seek the unattainable.

Set your sights more realistically.

Perhaps on the beautiful Leandra.

My fathertold me you once proposed to her.

Yes.

And even she, a mortal, rejected me.

Hmm. Maybe she's changed her mind.

After all, it's been 50 years.

So much time has gone by.

I must remedythat.

This shield you're crafting for Perseus,

is it as powerful as it is beautiful?

It will be when it's finished.

Iagos, I'II Iift the curse on the village ofCyllabos today.

But I won't force myselfon Leandra.

Ah!

Nor should you have to.

Let me talkto the girl,

uh, find out how she really feels.

Ifyou can convince herto come to me Iovingly and freely,

I'II give you anything I have.

Oh! Not necessary. I Iive only to serve you.

(SINGING)

MAN: I want you! I Iove you!

WOMAN: Your Iove isn't strong enough!

Mine? Ha!

(MAN GROANS)

It must've been a bad year.

(WHISTLING)

(MAN SINGING) Oh, shut up!

(GROANS)

Krisala, why did you do that?

Maybe she's no Ionger fond ofyour instrument.

WOMAN: I'm tired of you and your rags! MAN: Dear!

WOMAN: Get out of myway!

(GROANS)

(WOMAN GRUNTS)

Mykonos! My friend.

It's good to see you, Iolaus!

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Uh, what's going on?

I have no idea.

The women are all behaving strangely.

Where's Hercules?

He's in Corinth. His brother Iphicles' wife is having a baby,

so it's familytime for Herc, R and R for me. (CHUCKLES)

So have you seen, uh, Evanthea?

She's, uh, overthere, but be careful.

Careful?

Aweekwith Evanthea is Iike awalk in the clouds.

Ifshe's acting Iike all the others,

you may find yourself in athunderstorm.

Evanthea.

Iolaus.

Hi!

(GROANING)

(GROANS)

NARRATOR: This is thestory ofa time long ago,

a time ofmyth andlegend,

when the ancientgods werepettyandcruel

and theyplagued mankind with suffering.

Onlyone man dared to challenge theirpower.

Hercules.

Hercules possessedastrength the worldhadneverseen,

astrength surpassed only bythepowerofhis heart.

Hejourneyed the earth, battling the minions of his wickedstepmother, Hera,

the all-powerful queen ofthe gods.

But wherever there was evil,

whereveran innocent wouldsuffer,

there would be Hercules.

(SCREECHING)

(GROWLING)

(ROARING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Whoa.

Evanthea, you know, (PEOPLE YELLING)

I walked all the way from Kyriakis

to spend some qualitytime with you.

I neverwant to see you again.

(GROANS)

Ever.

(GRUNTS)

Get it?

(PEOPLE ARGUING)

I get it!

(GROANING)

(PEOPLE ARGUING CONTINUES)

Is it something in the water?

Zeus only knows.

(MAN GRUNTING)

WOMAN: Get out and stay out!

You all right? You pathetic imitation ofa man!

(PEOPLE GASPING)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON INSTRUMENT)

(APHRODITE LAUGHING)

(APHRODITE LAUGHING)

I recognize that Iaughter.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

Aphrodite. Aphrodite?

MAN: Right there. There's something there.

Come on! I knowyou're here somewhere!

(LAUGHING)

(MAN GASPS)

(SIGHS)

Look at these mortals.

Losers. Isn't this awesome?

(SIGHS)

That Evantheathrows a mean right, huh?

What do you think, me, goddess of music?

Aphrodite? (PEOPLE GASPING)

Are you responsible for all this?

Totally! I maxed out on the Iove gig.

I'm shifting my career gear.

Time to find a new energy field, alter my aura.

Music? Not.

Wait. Does this mean that there's no more Iove in the world?

Whoa! Are you observant, orwhat? (LAUGHS)

Put it this way, guys still want it,

but women couldn't care Iess.

WOMAN: Come back here, you weasel!

Gonna roll you into a pancake!

(LAUGHS)

So how come it onlyworks on women?

Duh!

If men felt the same way, where would the fun be?

This rocks!

Aphrodite, people depend on you!

Don't you realize the enormous implications ofwhat you've done?

This is gonna have sad consequences. Tragic repercussions!

Besides, I got aweek off!

Tell someone who cares, sweet pea.

(PEOPLE GASPING)

WOMAN: Shejust disappeared.

I hate that.

In a moment, we'II go down to the village below

and politely invite Leandra to come with us.

Or drag her kicking and screaming.

What village?

That village.

(MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(IOLAUS GRUNTS)

(ARROW WHIZZING)

(GASPS)

Bummer, I missed.

You almost killed me!

Chill, curly, not you. The tree.

Okay, so I need a Iittle practice to become the goddess ofthe hunt.

Aphrodite, you can't be Artemis.

People depend on you for...

Ah!

That was, Iike, my curve.

Sweet cheeks, call me irresponsible.

You're irresponsible.

Cool.

Aphrodite, you've been meddling with the forces of nature.

There's gonna be no more Iove in the world for generations to come.

There won't even be any generations to come!

Super bummer, but not my problem.

No. Wait. You're doing it all wrong.

First time I've ever had any complaint about mytechnique.

I meant your archery.

Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

Now squeeze

and release.

That rocks. I've got a personal trainer! Right on!

Men and women ofCyllabos,

I come to you from Hephaestus.

Give over Leandra.

You've already suffered his curse once. Don't defy him again.

You're not his messenger.

An older man came this morning.

That was my father, you dumb fool.

He's dead, 15 years now.

Impossible! What is he talking about?

Is it? MAN: That can't be true!

Look at yourvineyards, all withered and dry.

Your fields, barren and empty. MAN: He's right.

WOMAN: What's happening? If I tell Hephaestus

you refused him a second time,

at sunset, yourvillage disappears forever.

MAN: No! No! No, wait.

Leandrawent to the stream, Iooking for her son.

Ah.

Hunting sucks.

(SHUSHING)

I mean,

what does Artemis see in this?

Hours and hours of Iooking for some huge, ugly, hairy pig.

Boar. Shh.

I'm hot! I'm sticky...

Ugh! And what's this I just stepped in?

Overthere.

(BOAR SNORTING)

That's a boar. Okay. Go for it.

(SIGHS)

LEANDRA: (SCREAMS) Get your hands off me!

PIease! I can't Ieave without finding my son.

Marrying Hephaestus is more important than finding your brat.

Wait! He's onlythree!

Leave her alone.

Don't interfere with things you know nothing about.

You stupidly riskyour Iife.

So call me stupid.

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

(HENCHMEN GROWLING)

(YELLING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

Hey, you're next, pal!

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

Thankyou. Thankyou so much.

It was nothing. Just don't hit me, all right?

Whywould I hit you when you just saved me from being kidnapped?

You mean, you don't feeI

Iike beating me senseless or...

No.

Come, we'd better get backto my home.

There are bandits out here.

Orthe she-demon might turn you into stone.

Well, you've no fear on that score.

Hercules helped me defeat the she-demon a couple ofyears ago.

Who's Hercules?

You mean you've never heard of Hercules?

Friend of Iolaus?

No. PIease, Iet's go quickly.

Perhaps by now my son has returned to the village.

What village?

Oh, Mighty Hephaestus.

What's this?

Where is Leandra?

Forgive me, Lord. I have failed you.

(SIGHS)

Get up, Iagos. I understand.

She has no wish to be mywife.

Oh, she's willing, but the villagers...

They mocked you, theyjeered at your name.

They called you "The Great God Hideous."

It's my destiny to be alone.

No! She wants to marryyou.

But as we were returning, a dozen ofthe villagers fell upon us.

So they're keeping her from me?

Screams of protest still ring in my ears. Oh, please, Master,

give me the means to bring Leandra here, where she wants to be.

Take this armor that I'm making forAres.

Do as he bids.

(MACHINE CLATTERING)

IOLAUS: Cyllabos?

Not only have I never seen this village,

I've never even heard of it.

You're not from these parts, then?

No, just the opposite. My dad grew up around here.

Well, he must've heard of it.

Cyllabos has been here for centuries.

Leandra?

(CHUCKLES) That was weird.

And what's with all these old-fashioned clothes, anyway?

What do you mean, "old-fashioned"?

No, they're... They're nice.

Iolaus, I can't thankyou enough.

The Ieast I can do is offeryou supper.

After I Iocate my son and give him a piece of my mind.

He's the one!

Stranger, you brought Leandra back?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was me.

She was being attacked by a bunch ofguys,

so I kind of...

I'd have nailed 'em all if Hercules had been with me.

Who's Hercules?

(LAUGHING) "Who's Hercules?"

Wait a minute. You mean you've never heard of him either?

Where have you people been?

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

(STAMMERING) You know, I'd Iove to stay and chat,

but I've got a dinner date, so...

(METAL CLANKING)

Because ofyour foolish actions,

we'II be cursed by Hephaestus again!

MAN: Stone him! WOMAN: Yes! Stone him!

MAN: Stone him!

MAN: Kill him! Ow!

You people really know howto roll out the welcome wagon. Ow!

(PEOPLE YELLING)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

(GRUNTS)

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

(PANTING)

Friendly Iittle town you've got here.

It used to be.

Hey, tell me,

what is all this about a curse and Hephaestus?

My advice, forget about it and Ieave.

I intend to.

Thanks!

Great. Ask a simple question... (AIRWHOOSHING)

APHRODITE: Hephaestus?

(LAUGHS) I haven't seen the Hephter since we were teenagers.

The class voted him "worst dresser."

Aphrodite?

Mmm.

It's an image thing.

Like, right now I just scream "intelligence," right?

Yeah. Yeah. Whatever.

So nowyou're covering Athena's territory, huh?

Nah, I tried. This stuffgets old real fast.

They should, Iike, put pictures in those things or something!

Hey, well, here's an idea.

Be the goddess of Iove. (SIGHS)

No heavy reading.

Aphrodite, there's something strange going on here in Cyllabos

and no one will tell me what it is.

Cyllabos? Cyllabos, ofcourse!

Apollo told me all about it!

Hephie zapped 'em with a curse.

And?

Who remembers details? At the time, Apollo and I

were rolling around in the back of his chariot.

(GIGGLES)

(SIGHS IN DISGUST) Judging bytheir clothes,

I'd say Hephie zapped them with a fashion curse.

Thanks, Aphrodite, that's cleared things up.

Uh, there's anotherthing.

Men and women here, they seem to be getting along fine.

Why is that?

Do I Iook Iike the oracle at Delphi?

Boy, I wish Hercules was here.

Hercules, ofcourse! My brother's gig.

I could do that easily.

Action, adventure...

But, first, the right outfit. That's key.

What have I done?

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

You've angered Hephaestus.

So Iaugh, eat, drinkwine,

because this is your Iast day on Earth.

And then you disappear forever, as ifyou never existed!

MAN: Oh, please!

Ifwe find her, will Hephaestus give us another chance?

He gives you until sunset.

Find your child yet? No.

And that frightens me more than anything Hephaestus might do.

Leandra?

What's going on?

Iolaus, I warn you, don't get involved.

I almost got stoned backthere.

I am involved.

Hephaestus has chosen me to be his wife.

Aren't you already married?

My husband was killed two years ago in the PunicWars.

PunicWars?

My grandfather fought in those,

but that was over 50 years ago.

You must be mistaken.

Here she is!

One moment.

(GROANING)

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

Iolaus! Find my son!

Leandra!

(GROANING)

(GRUNTS)

(COUGHS)

Forthe safety ofall, we're keeping you here until sunset.

What about Leandra?

Never mind her, we're saving you from Hephaestus as well.

Well, forget about me. What about her Iittle boy?

There's no sign anywhere of young Skouros.

Skouros?

That was my father's name.

He was probably playing down bythe brook,

when the village disappeared the first time.

Wait a minute. You mean the village disappeared?

For 50 years. And now Hephaestus threatens us again.

This time forever.

Lucky Iittle Skouros, probably escaped the curse.

When my father was three years old,

they found him playing bythe brook.

He'd been abandoned.

Well, if it was him, at Ieast he had a full Iife.

We may never have one.

Then that means Leandra is my...

(PUNCHING) (GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

Pretty Herculean, huh?

Uh...

Frankly, Herc never Looked so...

(CLEARS THROAT) And he doesn't carryweapons either.

But I Iove accessories. And this matches.

(SIGHS)

A Iittle help here?

Now, smile and playthe happy bride-to-be,

oryourvillage disappears forever, along with your son.

Leandra.

(PANTING)

Welcome.

Thankyou.

I told you how eager she was to see you.

You come freely?

Yes.

She's not repulsed by me.

Well done, Iagos.

CIaim your reward.

Oh, all right. Only ifyou insist. I...

Perhaps this shield you're making for Perseus.

When it's finished, it's yours.

Iagos will showyou to your room.

This way, my Iady.

When we get in there... Uh-huh.

...be alert, keep moving.

And Hercules and I, we always cover each other's backs, okay?

Do you rag Hercules all time, too?

Look, there's the entrance!

Ooh! I can't wait to mix it up!

Aphrodite? Uh-huh.

Before we go in, um, I think I should teach you a few moves,

just to see ifyou're ready.

Okay!

Right. (CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, try and hit me.

(GROANING)

(LAUGHING)

You're ready.

Next. Listen, um,

don't you think it would be a Iot easier

ifyou just make Hephaestus

fall in Iove with somebody else?

Eat sand!

Goddesses!

Check out that statue.

Cool.

(METAL CREAKING)

(GROWLING)

Aphrodite, time to mix it up.

Um...

I'm not really a cat person.

Later.

Not a cat person?

(ROARING)

(GRUNTS)

Thanks for covering my back, Aphrodite.

(GROWLING CONTINUES)

(GASPS)

Good teeth!

(ROARING)

(WHIMPERING)

(PANTING)

Which fork?

(ROARING)

(WHIMPERING)

Wrong fork.

(ROARING)

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty!

(GROWLING)

Come on! Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!

(IMITATES ROARING)

(IMITATES BARKING)

(ROARING)

(LAUGHING)

(METTALIC THUD)

Later.

(METALLIC CLANGING)

Nice detail work.

Aphrodite.

Boy, is it hot in here!

But I guess ifyou can't stand the heat,

stay out ofthe forge.

I haven't seen you for centuries.

You're even more beautiful than I remembered.

Thanks, Heph.

You, uh, haven't changed either.

(GIGGLES)

Oh.

Now, Iet's cut the small talk.

Give up the grandmother babe or else suffer mywrath.

Never! She wants to staywith me.

Listen up. There's no goddess of Iove anymore,

so you don't want to go one on one with me.

Don't I?

(SHOUTING)

(GROANS)

Oh!

You made me break a boot strap.

There should be, Iike, hazard payto thisjob or something.

Listen, Heph, don't make me repeat myself.

Give her up, or else.

Or else what?

(PANTING)

Bitchin'.

This goes very nicely with my gauntlets,

but you think this thing can hold me?

PIease.

(APHRODITE SHRIEKS)

Zeus himself couldn't get out ofthat chair.

Well, it's ideal for entertaining.

But I'm not into bondage, okay? Release me!

Ofcourse. Once I wed Leandra.

So you're kinky, who knew?

This isn't exactly drip dry.

Can I borrow that cloth overthere?

No. Not that one.

(GASPS)

Wow.

It's beautiful.

It's so me!

Even an ugly god can dream.

(SOBBING)

(GROANING)

Iolaus!

Yeah.

He wasn't much ofa guard. Come on.

I can't Ieave with you.

The fate of too many others depends on me.

My son...

Leandra, I wish I didn't have to tell you this.

But Hephaestus has already punished Cyllabos once.

What you think happened only this morning,

happened over 50 years ago.

That can't be.

Your boy escaped the curse,

because he was playing bythe river.

I don't believe you.

Believe this. Your son, Skouros,

he was...

He's my father.

That's impossible.

Here.

My father had this hanging around his neck when they found him.

He was three years old.

That's my husband's.

My son wears it to play soldiers.

Little Skouros, all grown up?

Yeah.

PIease, take me to him right away.

No, no, we haven't got time forthat. We have to get going.

Let's get out of here.

Hephie, I always knew that you made weapons,

but when did you become such atalented artist?

Don't flatter me.

I knowwhat people think of me.

Theythink you're brilliant!

I mean, this throne is, Iike, amazing.

How does it work exactly?

You know, you're kind ofcute from this angle.

You'II say anything to gain your freedom.

I'II release you afterthe vows.

But you don't really Iove Leandra, do you?

A dozen villagers came in through the tunneI

and took Leandra.

(LAUGHING) A dozen? Like, major Iiar here.

Trust me, there's only one.

Why should I deceive you, Master?

I've served you faithfully all these years!

Let me guess. Because you have no Iife?

Because you hate yourjob?

Because you have a real big yen

for a Iot of really cool weapons in here?

This guy reeks of bad karma, can't you feel it?

Don't Iet her Iooks twist you around.

Are you Iying to me, Aphrodite?

There isn't anything I've said to you that I didn't mean.

Is that so?

She thinks you're ugly, Hephaestus.

Why don't you ask her?

Leandra Ioves you.

Ifonlythere were some way to get her back.

Take them.

Go!

(BOTH PANTING)

It's all right.

We can rest here for awhile.

No! I want to see my son.

Where does he Iive? Is it far?

(SOBBING) Will he even remember me?

Leandra,

your son,

my father

is dead.

No.

I'm sorry.

I should never have Iet him out of my sight.

Some things are meant to be.

It happened in battle.

He became a great warrior.

A general.

Like his father before him.

Sons take after their fathers.

I'm sure you're a reflection of him.

In away.

You would've been very proud of him.

Ifonly I could be with him just once more.

That can be arranged.

Oh!

Go, go, go! I'II come foryou!

(GROANS)

(GROANING)

(GASPS)

Kill him!

Iolaus! Help me!

(YELLS)

(GASPING)

Ah!

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

Should've got a bigger stick!

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

Getting that old sinking feeling, huh?

(GASPS)

(YELLS)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Okay, you metal heads.

(SCREAMING)

Incoming!

Nowthat rocked.

Leandra!

Big mistake giving that to the creepy cretin with the awful aura.

Iagos is my friend.

(SCOFFS) A guy who calls you uglyto your face?

Yeah, that's a real bud. Besides, it's not true.

You can stop Iying.

Hera, my own mother, threw me out ofOIympus,

because she couldn't stand the sight of me.

Horse-faced Hera?

There are no mirrors in her home.

And for one good reason.

Besides, beauty's notjust what you Iook Iike,

it's also what you are inside.

Whoa.

That's, Iike, profound.

Ofall the OIympian gods, only I am ugly.

IfZeus had been my father,

maybe my Iife would be different.

But you have no ideawhat it's Iike to bejudged on your appearance alone.

Oh, yes, I do.

We have that in common.

It's done.

This was intended foryou.

You're free to Ieave.

Actually,

I'm not in any hurry.

Goodbye, Aphrodite.

That's a first.

IOLAUS: Leandra!

No! (LEANDRA SCREAMS)

(WHIMPERING)

Leandra! Hold on!

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

Okay.

You have to help.

(GRUNTS)

That's it.

(PANTING)

(BOTH PANTING)

You all right?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Thanks.

We're family, right?

So we are.

In one day, I Iose a son and gain a grandson.

To think, ifSkouros hadn't wandered off Iike that,

you wouldn't be alive.

Well, I guess sometimes

things really do work out the way they're supposed to.

What courage you have.

I'm so proud ofyou.

Thanks.

You thinkyou can make it backto Cyllabos on your own?

Yes. Are you going after Iagos?

Somebody has to.

PIease be careful.

Yeah.

Not happy with the decor?

Hey, I think this place smokes.

You're still here?

Yeah, I cleared my afternoon schedule.

Tell me one thing. Why Leandra?

A pale imitation,

but she reminded me ofyou.

When Iagos returns with her,

I'II send her backto the village.

Cyllabos is free.

That's what you wanted to hear from me, isn't it?

No.

What I want is the answer to my question.

Do you Iove me?

For centuries.

(PANTING)

Okay, this can be easy

or it can be hard. You choose.

I already have.

(LAUGHING)

IAGOS: No, no, no. Not there. Over here.

(SCREAMS)

IAGOS: Very good,

but how Iong will your Iuck hold out?

(IAGOS LAUGHING)

A room full ofweapons fit forthe gods and you choose a broom!

Yeah, well, I don't want to kill you, Iagos.

IAGOS: Then you're unlucky and foolish.

Not even worth my energy.

I'm Ieaving.

(CLANKING)

IAGOS: I Lied.

(IAGOS LAUGHING)

Which side ofthe sword am I on?

You're trying to remember if I'm right-handed or Ieft-handed.

(IAGOS LAUGHS)

(SCREAMS)

(IAGOS GRUNTS)

That'd be Ieft-handed.

Kill him now!

Here we go again.

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

What awaste.

(DEEP SIGH)

You trapped my panther,

bested my shield

and defeated my armored warriors.

Guess I was on a roll.

Where's Aphrodite?

You brought herto me,

and forthat I'II be forever grateful.

APHRODITE: Me, too. (GIGGLES)

Sorry I didn't coveryour back

with those moves you showed me.

I was busy showing Hephie here some moves of my own.

Dite, please.

"Dite"?

With the god offire, it onlytakes one Iittle spark

to start an awesome flame.

So things are back to normal between men and women, right?

Totally.

I've decided to Ieave the action business up to my big brother, Hercules.

That's a relief.

Well, I'm gonna go and say goodbye to my grandmother.

Remember, ifyou or Hercules ever need anyweapons...

Hercules doesn't do weapons.

Oh, sweet cheeks, I already got a petition from some babe in Parthia.

Evanthea. (CHUCKLES)

She wants to see me again.

Go and make somebody happy.

Yeah.

Or don't you and Hercules do that either?

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING)