Original subtitles

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[Carly Rae Jepsen] ♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy The evening TV ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a heart, there's a heart A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look Everywhere you go ♪

♪ There's a face, there's a face Somebody who needs you ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ Everywhere you look, yeah ♪

♪ When you're lost out there ♪

♪ And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Aw, look who woke up from her nap.

Ah.

Until I started doing laundry,

I never knew how relaxing sitting on a warm pile of clothes could be.

Oh, my gosh. That is so much smarter than sitting on a warm pie.

Well, you're not actually sitting on a pie, are you?

No.

It still has ten more minutes in the oven.

Hey, Steph. Trying to hatch some sweatpants?

Oh, Deej. Do we have to have the talk about where sweatpants come from?

So, Deej, are you seeing Steve? What do you have planned for him today?

You make it sound like I'm in charge of him.

Maybe that's 'cause the last three dates were hot yoga,

scrapbooking, and a two-day seminar on closet reorganization.

And now everything in his closet sparks joy.

For your information, Steve is choosing where we're going on our date today.

[Kimmy and Steph] Ohh.

You sure you're up for that? You don't really like surprises.

Steve and I have been together forever. There's not much he can do to surprise me.

-Hey, Deej. -Oh!

You startled me.

Startled, which is not the same as being surprised.

Oh, man. Did I miss hot laundry?

Oh.

Sorry, but thanks for the recommendation.

-Hoodies on top. They hold the heat. -Yep.

-Hi. -Hey.

I am excited for-- I-I don't know what I'm excited for, but I'm excited.

I'm excited, too, and I'm not even going.

We are going to...

Kindergarten?

The store to return those?

Cooking class.

Oh, stop piling on, Steve. Really, where are we going?

No, no. For real. cooking class.

Surprise.

Fun. Cooking.

I haven't done that since breakfast two hours ago.

[video game playing]

Ooh, I see you're playing a racing game. Would you like some competition?

Sorry, Fernando. It's a little harder than it looks.

You're forgetting I am a recently retired famous race-car driver.

I did forget that, and I'm still forgetting it now.

[doorbell rings]

It's always open.

Hello?

It's a stranger. I knew this open-door policy would backfire.

-Shoo. -Relax. It's just the Postmates guy.

Yep, just delivering food to people too lazy to get it themselves.

That's me. You mind bringing it over? My legs are asleep.

Absolutely. The less you move, the more I make.

Whoa. Get out of here.

That's what D.J. always says.

How did you know I don't live here?

Are you Fernando Hernandez Guerrero Fernandez Guerrero?

Depends. Are you going to tell me you're my son?

You were my favorite Formula One race-car driver.

You've caused more spectator injuries than any racer in history.

You're too kind.

Wait. You really were a famous race-car driver?

I thought you just carried a helmet through rooms

like the astronauts in I Dream of Jeannie.

-Do you mind if I take a selfie with you? -Anything for a Fer-fan-do.

Three, two...

-Whoa. -♪ Ooh-ooh, dream weaver ♪

♪ I believe You can get me through the night ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, dream weaver ♪

♪ I believe we can reach the morning-- ♪

Are you okay?

No. I'm Ramona.

-I'm Ethan. -No. I'm Ramona.

Wait. Is-Is that a Greenpeace button?

Were you at the rally?

Yeah! I was the guy with the "Save the Whales" sign.

There were about, like, 400 guys with that sign.

I was the one who wasn't vaping.

I like buttons, too.

I know he's on my couch, but we are not related.

I am related.

I'm her pa-pa.

Whoa. You're Fernando's daughter?

You're racing royalty.

Enough chitting and chatting. I am not running a Fernando Fan Club.

Actually, I am, but it's online only, okay?

This meet-cute is over.

Be gone, delivery boy.

-But, Dad! -Dad?

Suddenly I'm not papa anymore. I am Dad?

Be gone more, delivery boy!

It was nice meeting you, Ethan.

Nice meeting you, Ramona Hernandez Guerrero Fernandez Guerrero.

I can't believe you!

-I can't believe you cannot believe. -[groans]

Gaah.

I can't believe I missed something dramatic.

Aah.

Whoa. This burrito comes with chips.

♪ Ooh-ooh, dream weaver ♪

♪ I believe You can get me through the night ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh, dream... ♪

I need to get through this laundry. You're at the bottom of your closet.

I am Sir Maximilian of the Lower Pacific Heights.

Dragon-slaying Knight of the Round Table.

Is that your mom's letter opener?

Not anymore.

Come on, let's hit it. The Renaissance Faire starts in an hour.

The Renaissance Faire?

Of course. Right.

Yeah. You don't need to tell me. I-I totally know.

Uh, I just need to throw on my capelet here.

[chuckles] Okay.

I am Stephanie,

Lady of the Laundry and Princess of Tide.

You forgot about the Faire, didn't you?

Okay, you got me.

I might have a tiny little case of baby brain.

But just 'cause I'm a new mom doesn't mean I'm not still fun Aunt Steph.

All right, here. I'm gonna throw on my corset,

I'm gonna pack up Dani, and we will get out of here. Okay?

-Yeah. Come here, baby. -[Dani crying]

Ooh.

I think your damsel's in distress.

Yeah. If I'm not back in five minutes, summon ye olde hazmat unit.

♪ Ooh, la la la La la la la ♪

Welcome to Advanced French Cooking for Couples.

Today, we start by breaking down a whole chicken.

Oh, chicken, you think you're all that? Well, you're not so hot.

Bam. Chicken got broken down.

Oh, look.

The Feinsteins have brought their own cleavers.

They are ready to cook.

The sharpest blade for the sharpest students.

And what did you bring, Blondie?

Matching shoes?

I think we brought Crocs to a knife fight.

Don't worry about those guys, Deej. This is gonna be great.

I don't know. Advanced French cooking?

Usually you start with the basics.

I mean, I cook every day, but you, you don't--

[Can-can music plays]

Whoa. How did I not know this about you?

The only cooking I've ever seen you do is... eat.

Well, after my divorce, I needed a hobby and dinner,

so voilà, French cooking school.

[in French] This is a perfect chicken.

[in French] It took me twenty seconds. Jacques Pépin can do it in eighteen.

[both chuckle]

[chuckles]

Attention.

This...

is a perfect chicken.

Bravo, Monsieur Hale.

Yeah, and me. We're teammates.

Yeah, I drove us here.

[sniffs]

Aw, honey.

Does it smell like your delivery-boy fella?

It does.

Breakfast burrito and environmentally friendly deodorant.

Thanks to Dad, it's all I have left of my Postmates soulmate.

Some say love is fickle and fleeting,

but from my experience as a woman, true love is like a Frisbee--

it always comes back.

What are you talking about? Frisbees don't come back.

They do if you throw it to a dog.

He catches it and then brings it back. Did I not explain that? No.

Trust me, true love is like a dog with a Frisbee.

If Ethan loves you, he'll come back panting.

[doorbell rings]

It's always open.

[panting]

Wow. That was a really steep hill.

Someone order an emergency lasagna?

My daughter ordered it

because she is fun, unpredictable, and likes Italians.

You look Italian. Are you Italian?

No, but I get that a lot.

-Really? -No.

Mom, what are you doing?

Oh, you're right. I did order too much.

Hunky non-Italian delivery guy, you'll have to eat with her.

I'm sorry. I'm so embarrassed by my mom.

It's okay.

She's cute. Runs in the family.

No. I'm Ramona.

Sorry, I'm taken.

You know, I'm not Italian, but I do like Italian movies.

Me too.

They're playing Cinema Paradiso tonight at the Rialto.

-Um, is there any chance that you might-- -[cell phone chimes]

Oh, no. High-priority delivery.

Gotta take this. Great seeing you again.

-Nice meeting you. -No. I'm Ramona.

[door closes]

I didn't even get his number.

Remember, Frisbee. He'll be back.

Unless he gets stuck on the roof.

What was that dreamy Fernando super-fan-do doing back here?

Well, Mom ordered him for me.

And you can't stop me from seeing him.

Hah. Actually, I just did.

I am the high-priority customer, Miss Leave-a My Daughter Alone-a.

And that delivery will take him to a mailbox in Alcatraz prison.

I hope he enjoys delivering guac to the Rock.

Mom, why is Dad acting so crazy?

I mean, I've dated boys before.

Boys, yes. Young men, no.

And the older you get, the more protective he's becoming.

-What? So I'm never gonna date again? -No.

The older you get, the more I am going to scheme with you.

Okay, Lord Max,

she is changed, she's burped, and we're ready to go-eth.

If we hurry, we can be there in time to pull the sword from the stone.

You just have to drive on the sidewalk.

We can do whatever we want.

I've got one of those "baby on board" stickers on the car.

Great. We won't miss a thing.

All right, you ready? Here we go.

Okay. Well, we may miss a little.

-[door closes] -I just gotta get this puke off my corset.

Finally something I learned in college is gonna come in handy.

[pan sizzling]

Can he sauté, or can he saut-hey?

Holla.

Are we making challah? I thought that was next week.

[hands clapping]

Ecoutez.

[laughs] Which one of you is Ed Coutez? 'Cause...

you're in trouble.

No, Deej. "Ecoutez" means "listen."

Oh. Then I should probably ecoutez, then.

For our final course, we are going to have a little fun.

-A competition. -Oh. You know how I love competitions.

What is-What is the competition?

Oh, it doesn't matter. The Feinsteins are going down.

You're to make a multi-tiered Napoleon.

The winner will receive the ultimate prize--

a certificate for another class with me.

Irv and I have got this in the bag.

We haven't paid for a class since Cheese-a-palooza, 2014.

That's when we found out I was lactose-intolerant.

Yeah, and that wasn't a fun way to find that out.

Honey, how do you say "you're going down" in French?

Oh, um... hey, Feinsteins.

[Speaking French] I'm sure you're both super nice people,

but I'm talking like this to impress my girlfriend.

I'm really sorry. Good luck!

Oh, I love it when you insult people in a foreign language.

Sorry.

What is happening here? You have an updo.

What are you up to?

[doorbell rings]

It's the hunky delivery boy.

Little lady, where do you think you're going?

-Hyah! -Oh!

Kimberlina, why?

Why? Why?

-Hey, Ethan. -Hey, Ramona. What's happening?

-Not much. You wanna go for a walk? -Sure.

No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

♪ La la, la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

Uh, oh, I need a whisk.

Your whisk is my command.

Hello there.

Are you looking for this?

No, I'm looking for this.

-Oh, I-I grabbed the wrong-- -I don't care.

My husband and I have logged 120 class hours,

and that is not counting the weekend trip in Luxembourg,

where we took an intensive workshop

on knife skills.

[imitates knife chopping]

Well, Steve and I have never been to Luxembourg...

but we have been to Epcot.

And you don't see 40 countries in an hour without picking something up.

In Japan... the hand is used as a knife.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, oh. Deej, I need the thingamajig that does the whosy-whatsy

to the stuff you keep in the cabinet next to the fridge.

-What? The blue one? -No, the red one.

Oh, one flour sieve coming up.

What is this gibberish?

This gibberish is the reason that you're gonna lose.

'Cause Steve and I have been dating for 25 years.

Not each other, not the whole time,

and certainly not in a row, but... but we have a history,

and that's what matters.

So what I'm saying is... you're going down, Phyllis.

My name is Gloria.

Well, you look like a Phyllis to me.

That is it. We have to make the biggest, best Napoleon ever.

Bigger than Napoleon himself.

Look, honey, I don't know what went on over there with you and Mrs. Feinstein,

but I like it.

♪ La la la, la la, la la ♪

I'm sorry I clubbed you. That Swiffer packs more of a punch than you think.

It's okay, Kimberlina.

My knee is sore, but it's never been so free of dust.

I know it's hard for you to see Ramona dating,

but... Ethan seems like a good kid,

and he's definitely a step up from Popco and that Japanese boy-band boy.

-What Japanese boy-band boy? -Oh.

Never mind.

Look, you may not like Ethan, but... Ramona does.

And I'll let you in on a little secret.

At first, my parents didn't like a certain Latin lover of mine.

Who is this man?

I will hunt him down and refuse to make eye contact.

Oh, you're talking about me.

How dare they?

The point is, I fell in love with you because you're handsome...

and you have the voice of an angel...

and you can solve a Rubik's Cube with your toes.

And my parents' disapproval only made you more attractive.

Then they fell into the trap I didn't know I had set.

Strong, independent women don't wanna be told what to do.

We taught Ramona to make good choices.

Now we have to trust her to make them.

Or, and hear me out...

we wear costumes and follow her everywhere she goes.

No. Yes.

No. Maybe.

No, that's the old us.

Why must we be such good parents?

Oh, hey, um, Ethan and I are going to the movies. Is that okay?

-Of course. -And we will not follow you with costumes.

Thanks. Good to know.

Aw. Our little girl is going out on a date with a boy...

with a car.

Which means she won't need me to get where she's going,

and we won't have those deep conversations while stuck in traffic

when she has no choice but to talk to me.

Why must we be such good parents?

-Why? -Aah.

[chiming]

What are you still doing here?

I missed the sword-in-the-stone ceremony...

thanks to Aunt Steph.

You know, Max, you might want to give her a break.

But she doesn't care about me anymore.

Listen, Mom did the same thing to me when you were a baby.

She was supposed to take me to Willow Gardner's birthday party,

but you had a cold and she couldn't.

I was a real jerk to Mom.

I wouldn't even eat her apology pancakes.

How is this supposed to make me feel better?

Well, the point is, Mom was doing the best she could,

and so is Aunt Steph.

Max, I just need five more minutes for Dani's jester onesie to dry,

and then we are gonna party like it's 1599.

Aunt Steph, we don't have to go to the RenFaire.

Wait. What? But you have your cape pressed.

It's okay. It's a pretty neutral cape. I can wear it a lot of places.

Max.

I'm really, really sorry that I disappointed you.

I didn't mean to.

And I promise, I don't know how or when... but I'm gonna make this up to you.

You're not the one who should be apologizing. I am.

It's hard being a new mom, and I'm sorry I made your job even harder.

Come here, buddy.

Wow, Max. That was really mature of you.

What made you realize that?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

♪ La la la la la ♪

Finish up, class! Your Napoleons must be finished in 30 second!

[Steve] C'est magnifique.

[gasps] Darn those Feinsteins.

They layered up, too.

I know what ours needs--a berry.

A statement berry.

Honestly, Deej. I think it looks pretty good the way it is.

Pretty good is second place. That's loser talk.

Pull your head out of your Crocs.

Cinq,

quatre,

trois,

doux, et fin.

[splat]

Zut alors.

Looks like your Napoleon met its Waterloo.

Yeah, that's where he lost.

Yeah, they know that, Irv. They're losers, not idiots.

Ah, coupons for closers.

Steve, I am so sorry.

-Why are you laughing? We lost. -Just realized how cute you get

whenever you get all competitive over silly stuff.

Honestly, I've been trying not to laugh ever since you said, "Statement berry."

Well, I've been trying not to laugh

ever since you said, "Shoe twin powers activate."

-Oh, it's good. -Mmm.

Ahem.

You are dismissed...

unless you are staying for my next class...

[Texas drawl] Texas Barbecue for Beginners.

[medieval music playing]

Is this my imagination, or do I hear the mellifluous sound of the hurdy-gurdy?

From the backyard.

Zounds.

Do my eyes lie?

Sir Maximillian of the Backyard, you're just in time.

We are awaiting a worthy knight to pull the sword from the stone.

You mean this sword?

[all] No!

Relax. Don't get your tunics in a twist.

Sir Max, 'tis thou-est turn.

[cheers]

Okay, everybody. Let the festivities begin.

You really did this all for me?

Of course I did, Max.

I love you. And I know it's gonna be a little different now with the baby.

We might not always be able to go and do the fun stuff we used to,

but that doesn't mean we can't bring the fun to us.

You're the fairest maiden in all the land.

Aw. Why, thank you, fine sir.

[chuckles]

Hey, who wants a lump of Napoleon?

Ooh, I'd love two lumps. It's my cheat day.

[Kimmy] Eek.

Based on the looks of that dessert, cooking class was a bust.

It was actually a blast. Yeah, I saw a whole new side of Steve.

After 25 years, we know each other pretty well,

but... there are still plenty of surprises.

Today, he was this French-speaking rock star

tearing apart a chicken in Crocs.

Oh. It was pretty hot.

Sounds like D.J. has a crush on a chicken ripper.

I think I do.

My baby. You came back.

How long was I gone?

[Jepsen] ♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[theme music playing]

♪ La la la la la la ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh ♪